It took a while, but I remember the moment - or rather, the suddenly arriving argument - which made it less likely that I would kill myself. I realised that, insofar as she was alive at all, she was alive in my memory. Of course, she remained powerfully in other people's minds as well; but I was her principal rememberer. If she was anywhere, she was within me, internalised. This was normal. And it was equally normal - and irrefutable - that I could not kill myself because then I would also be killing her.