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4672baa This is an amazing thing about infants. They can sense that mother is needy, and can eventually detect her specific needs and begin providing them for her. Of course, this carries a major price--the denial, stifling and stunting of the infant's own True Self or Child Within. Charles L. Whitfield
7b66ac3 Guidance, also a part of helping the infant and child to develop and grow, may include advice, assistance, and any other form of help, verbal or non-verbal. It also includes modeling and teaching appropriate and healthy social Charles L. Whitfield
acd2907 Nearly all are associated with our relationship with ourself and with people around us. To reach our full potential, we apparently require most of these needs. Growing up in an environment without these needs, we grow up automatically without realizing that our needs have not been met and are not being met. We often feel confused and chronically unhappy. Charles L. Whitfield
8d91402 Infants deprived of touching fail to thrive and grow, even if they get proper food, nourishment and protection. Touching is most powerful by appropriate skin to skin contact. Experiments with rabbits fed atherosclerosis inducing diets show that those rabbits which are held and petted by the laboratory workers tend not to get atherosclerosis (hardening of the arteries). Those rabbits which are not held and petted tend to get atherosclerosis .. Charles L. Whitfield
dfdb869 Virginia Satir has suggested that we need from four to twelve hugs a day as part of our health maintenance. Charles L. Whitfield
da896bd The mother or other parent figure(s) must attend the infant and child so that at least its safety, security and touching are met. Charles L. Whitfield
d55bfa9 At this point we understand that if the mother or other parent figure cannot provide these first few needs, the child's physical, mental-emotional and spiritual growth would likely be stunted. Charles L. Whitfield
614c07e 1. Survival 2. Safety 3. Touching, skin contact 4. Attention 5. Mirroring and echoing 6. Guidance 7. Listening 8. Being real 9. Participating 10. Acceptance Others are aware of, take seriously and admire the Real You Freedom to be the Real You Tolerance of your feelings Validation Respect Belonging and love 11. Opportunity to grieve losses and to grow 12. Support 13. Loyalty and trust 14. Accomplishment Mastery, "Power," "Control" Creativit.. Charles L. Whitfield
14a0956 Many children from troubled families have difficulty relaxing and having fun. Ability to be spontaneous and to play is a need and a characteristic of our Child Within. Charles L. Whitfield
e5f444b However, the nurturing person must be able to nurture and the person in need must be able to let go, to surrender, in order to be nurtured. In my observations of patients, their families, and of other people, this reciprocity is unusual in human interaction. It is not the child's job to nurture their parent, and when this happens repeatedly, it is a subtle form of child abuse or neglect. Charles L. Whitfield
a076cf5 The final need is unconditional love. This is a difficult concept for many to understand. I discuss this need further in Chapter 15. Charles L. Whitfield
47564da In order to survive, the child who cannot develop a strong True Self compensates by developing an exaggerated false or co-dependent self. Charles L. Whitfield
aa217f3 Control is perhaps the most dominant issue in our lives. No matter what we think we have to control, whether someone else's behavior, our own behavior or something else, our false self tends to latch on to this notion and won't let go. The result is often emotional pain, confusion and frustration. Ultimately, we cannot control life, so the more that we try to control it, the more out of control we feel because we are focusing so much attent.. Charles L. Whitfield
4f87135 Marcus grew up in an alcoholic home. His father was an abusive alcoholic who beat Marcus with a leather belt. At age twelve, Marcus decided that he would never let anyone hurt him again and from that point declared, "If anyone gets in my face, I will kick their ass." Although he had many drinking buddies, Marcus continually had problems with male authority figures such as supervisors, teachers, policemen and male therapists. When asked he s.. Charles L. Whitfield
6ed30ac Furthermore, people like Marcus can over-estimate the degree of threat or mis-read visual cues such as facial expressions, resulting in an inability to modulate emotional pain. Imagine what will happen when he experiences a situation in early recovery that reminds him of the old trauma. For example, if his male supervisor at work gets angry with him, Marcus' brain has learned to go into a "fight or flight" pattern, which leads to another an.. Charles L. Whitfield
efffab0 In order to survive, the traumatized child's Real Self (True Self or Child Within) goes into hiding deep within the unconscious part of its psyche. What emerges is a false self or ego which tries to run the show of our life, but is unable to succeed because it is simply a defense mechanism against pain and not real. Its motives are based more on needing to be right and in control. Charles L. Whitfield
148d383 It is also open to that vast and mysterious part of us that we call our unconscious. It pays attention to the messages that we receive daily from the unconscious, such as dreams, struggles and illness. Charles L. Whitfield
ad50de4 Some have estimated that we show our True Self to others on average for only about 15 minutes each day. For whatever reasons, we tend to keep that part of us private. When we "come from" or when we are our True Self, we feel alive. We may feel pain in the form of hurt, sadness, guilt or anger, but we nonetheless feel alive. Or we may feel joy, in the form of contentment, happiness, inspiration or even ecstasy. Overall, we tend to feel curre.. Charles L. Whitfield
7a51096 We don't have to do anything to be our True Self. It just is. If we simply let it be, it will express itself with no particular effort on our part. Indeed, any effort is usually in denying our awareness and expression of it. Charles L. Whitfield
c2a8b45 Paradoxically, we often feel like this false self is our natural state, the way we "should be." This could be our addiction or attachment to being that way. We become so accustomed to being our false self that our Real Self feels guilty, like something is wrong, that we shouldn't feel real and alive. To consider changing this problem is frightening." Charles L. Whitfield
2dd9348 By being real, it is free to grow. And while our false self forgets, our Real Self remembers our Oneness with others and with the Universe. Yet for most of us, our Real Self is also our private self. Who knows why we chose not to share? Perhaps it is a fear of being hurt or being rejected. Some have estimated that we show our True Self to others on average for only about 15 minutes each day. For whatever reasons, we tend to keep that part o.. Charles L. Whitfield
5619702 Indeed, any effort is usually in denying our awareness and expression of it. Charles L. Whitfield
e79acea false self, co-dependent self, unauthentic or public self. Charles L. Whitfield
c5e55ed Because it forgets our Oneness, it feels separate. It is our public self--who we think others and eventually even we think we should be. Most of the time, when we are in the role of our false self, we feel uncomfortable, numb, empty or in a contrived or contracted state. We do not feel real, complete, whole or sane. At one level or another, we sense that something is wrong, and that something is missing. Charles L. Whitfield
2b25468 This false or co-dependent self appears to be universal among humans. It has been described or referred to countless times in print and in our daily lives. It has been called such diverse names as a survival tool, psychopathology, the egocentric ego and the impaired or defensive self (Masterson 1985). It can be destructive to self, others and intimate relationships. However, it is a double-edged sword. It has some uses. But just how useful .. Charles L. Whitfield
4d316ac A person cannot betray another person's True Self for long without causing serious damage to the relationship. In order to grow, the Child Within should feel trusted and be able to trust others. Charles L. Whitfield
9a4d7b5 Some people who grew up in troubled or dysfunctional families found it difficult to complete a task or a project or to make decisions. This is because they did not practice doing so with the guidance and support of an important other. By contrast, others from dysfunctional families may be high achievers in some areas, such as education or work, but are repeatedly unable to achieve in other areas, such as intimate relationships. Charles L. Whitfield
fe01ee6 This lack of awareness of a major source of the family chaos results in extensive, destructive and unnecessary acceptance, as well as self blame and guilt among family members. Charles L. Whitfield
8eddfb5 All of the above blocks our growth and development in the mental, emotional and spiritual aspects of our being. But we have a desire to contact and know our True Self. We learn that "quick fixes" such as compulsive behaviors will allow us to glimpse our True Self and will let off some of the tension. However, if the compulsive behavior is destructive to us or to others, we may feel shame and a resulting lower self-esteem. At this point we m.. Charles L. Whitfield
7810875 It may be subtle in its manifestations, and therefore difficult to identify. The following is a case history of Karen, a 45-year old woman whose parents were co-dependent and through growing up with them she became co-dependent. "When I heard the characteristics of adult children of alcoholics described, I saw a lot of myself in them. So I looked and looked for an alcoholic in my family background and couldn't find one. I found I had to loo.. Charles L. Whitfield
cbbb474 What the child sees as reality is denied, and a new model, view or false belief system of reality is assumed as true by each family member. This fantasy often binds the family together in a further dysfunctional way. This denial and the new belief system stifle and retard the child's development and growth in the crucial mental, emotional, and spiritual areas of their life (Brown 1986). Charles L. Whitfield
273c6c3 Guilt is the uncomfortable or painful feeling that results from doing something that violates or breaks a personal standard or value, or from hurting another person, or even from breaking an agreement or a law. Guilt thus concerns our behavior, feeling bad about what we have done, or about what we didn't do that we were supposed to have done. Charles L. Whitfield
43924c0 When guilt is detrimental to our serenity, our peace of mind, and our functioning--including our mental, emotional and spiritual growth--we call it "unhealthy" guilt. People from troubled or dysfunctional homes or environments often have a mixture of healthy and unhealthy guilt. Unhealthy guilt is usually not handled or worked through and lingers on, at times becoming psychologically and emotionally disabling. Our "responsibility" to family.. Charles L. Whitfield
2ddf001 As we do so, our Child Within begins to awaken and eventually to flourish, grow and create. Virginia Satir said, "We need to see ourselves as basic miracles and worthy of love." Charles L. Whitfield
7a5fcaf Shame is the uncomfortable or painful feeling that we experience when we realize that a part of us is defective, bad, incomplete, rotten, phony, inadequate or a failure. In contrast to guilt, where we feel bad from doing something wrong, we feel shame from being something wrong or bad. Thus guilt seems to be correctable or forgivable, whereas there seems to be no way out of shame. Our Child Within or True Self feels the shame and can expres.. Charles L. Whitfield
b27ee3f When we are not allowed to remember, to express our feelings and to grieve or mourn our losses or traumas, whether real or threatened, through the free expression of our Child Within, we become ill. Thus we can consider viewing a spectrum of unresolved grieving as beginning with mild symptoms or signs of grief, to co-dependence, to PTSD. Charles L. Whitfield
5621f9a spirituality is about the relationships that we have with our self, with others and with the universe." (pg. 127)." Charles L. Whitfield
d44eef1 To get to the point of recovery, we must survive. Survivors are by necessity co-dependent. We use many coping skills and "ego defenses" to do this. Children of alcoholics and from other troubled or dysfunctional families survive by dodging, hiding, negotiating, taking care of others, pretending, denying and learning and adapting to stay alive using any method that works. They learn other, often unhealthy, ego defense mechanisms, as describe.. Charles L. Whitfield
9151cdd Since 1986 we have learned several more important things. Most families across the world are dysfunctional in that they don't provide and support the healthy needs of their children. What results is an interruption in the otherwise normal and healthy neurological and psychological growth and development of the child from birth to adulthood. In order to survive, the traumatized child's Real Self (True Self or Child Within) goes into hiding d.. Charles L. Whitfield
aaed9a0 With the help of parents, other authority figures, and institutions (such as education, organized religion, politics, the media, and even some psychotherapy), most of us learn to stifle or deny our Child Within. When this vital part of each of us is not nurtured and allowed freedom of expression, a false or co-dependent self emerges. I further describe these two parts of each of us in Table 1. (See page 10). Charles L. Whitfield
0253ee9 Real Self, True Self, Child Within, Inner Child, Divine Child, and Higher Self. (I capitalize the first letters to show its importance for us in living and to help differentiate it from the false or lower self.) It has also been called our Deepest Self, our Inner Core (James, Savary 1977). These terms refer to the same core part in us. One description: who we are when we feel most authentic, genuine or spirited. Charles L. Whitfield
827e721 The emotional pain hurts so much that we defend against them by the various unhealthy ego defenses described in Chapter 8, thus shutting the feelings out, away from our awareness. Doing so allows us to survive, although at a price. We become progressively numb. Out of touch. False. When we are thus not our Real Self, we do not grow mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Not only do we feel stifled and un-alive, but we also often feel frust.. Charles L. Whitfield
7ebc51e 3) Exploring and Experiencing As we begin to know our True Self, we begin to explore and to experience our feelings at a deeper or "gut" level. Here we are able to tell others as feelings come up for us how we really feel. By doing so we can have much interpersonal interaction with people who are important to us and can experience our life more. We thereby grow mentally, emotionally and spiritually. When we reach this more efficient Third L.. Charles L. Whitfield
de096bc The primary focus of psychotherapy involves the integration of feelings (affect) and thinking (cognition), resulting in personal growth. Charles L. Whitfield
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