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Alone, adj. In bad company.
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Study Herod, madame, study Herod.
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Accord, n. Harmony.
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Accordion, n. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin.
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Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
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Advice, n. The smallest current coin.
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Apologize, v. To lay the foundation for a future offense.
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Backbite, v.t. To speak of a man as you find him when he can't find you.
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Birth, n. The first and direst of all disasters.
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Bore, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
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Bride, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
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Callous, adj. Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils afflicting another.
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Cannon, n. An instrument employed in the rectification of national boundaries.
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Capital, n. The seat of misgovernment.
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Congratulation, n. The civility of envy.
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Defenceless, adj. Unable to attack.
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Diplomacy, n. The patriotic art of lying for one's country.
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Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.
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Erudition, n. Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull.
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Flesh, n. The Second Person of the secular Trinity.
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Helpmate, n. A wife, or bitter half.
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In'ards, n. pl. The stomach, heart, soul, and other bowels.
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Labor, n. One of the processes by which A acquires property of B.
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Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.
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Liberty, n. One of imagination's most precious possessions.
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Monday, n. In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.
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Non-combatant, n. A dead Quaker.
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Once, adj. Enough.
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Opportunity, n. A favorable occasion for grasping a disappointment.
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Optimist, n. A proponent of the doctrine that black is white.
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Patience, n. A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.
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Philosophy, n. A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.
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Politeness, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy.
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Positive, adj. Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
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Prejudice, n. A vagrant opinion without visible means of support.
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Saint, n. A dead sinner, revised and edited.
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Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.
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Success, n. The one unpardonable sin against one's fellows.
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Twice, adv. Once too often.
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Un-American, adj. Wicked, intolerable, heathenish.
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White, adj. and n. Black.
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Year, n. A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
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Woman would be more charming if one could fall into her arms without falling into her hands.
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Self-denial is indulgence of a propensity to forego.
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