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Labeling yourself is not only self-defeating, it is irrational. Your self cannot be equated with any one thing you do. Your life is a complex and ever-changing flow of thoughts, emotions, and actions. To put it another way, you are more like a river than a statue. Stop trying to define yourself with negative labels--they
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David D. Burns |
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3be9795
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Achievements can bring you satisfaction but not happiness.
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David D. Burns |
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707f108
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Table 3-1. Definitions of Cognitive Distortions 1. ALL-OR-NOTHING THINKING: You see things in black-and-white categories. If your performance falls short of perfect, you see yourself as a total failure. 2. OVERGENERALIZATION: You see a single negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat. 3. MENTAL FILTER: You pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively so that your vision of all reality becomes darkened, like the dro..
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David D. Burns |
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468c147
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The price you pay for your addiction to praise will be an extreme vulnerability to the opinions of others. Like any addict, you will find you must continue to feed your habit with approval in order to avoid withdrawal pangs. The moment someone who is important to you expresses disapproval, you will crash painfully, just like the junkie who can no longer get his "stuff." Others will be able to use this vulnerability to manipulate you. You wi..
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David D. Burns |
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22aad80
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The secret of successful treatment is not to become a perfect, shining star or to learn to be in complete control of your feelings. These strategies are doomed to failure. In contrast, when you accept yourself as an imperfect but eminently lovable human being, and you stop fighting your emotions so strenuously, your fear will often lose its grip over you.
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David D. Burns |
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a9f2f2e
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You must first consider that a human life is an ongoing process that involves a constantly changing physical body as well as an enormous number of rapidly changing thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Your life therefore is an evolving experience, a continual flow. You are not a thing; that's why any label is constricting, highly inaccurate, and global.
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David D. Burns |
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985c941
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Much everyday anger results when we confuse our own personal wants with general moral codes.
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David D. Burns |
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b7499f9
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Let me explain why. "Perfection" is man's ultimate illusion. It simply doesn't exist in the universe. There is no perfection. It's really the world's greatest con game; it promises riches and delivers misery. The harder you strive for perfection, the worse your disappointment will become because it's only an abstraction, a concept that doesn't fit reality. Everything can be improved if you look at it closely and critically enough--every per..
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David D. Burns |
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a089b3a
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There was nothing dreadfully wrong with me, I was just upsetting myself with my irrational thinking. I just couldn't admit it until I knew for sure. Now, I feel like a whole man, and I had to call you up and let you know where I stood . . . It was hard for me to do this, and I'm sorry it took so long for me to get around to telling you.
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David D. Burns |
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3ff4885
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Oxygen is a need, but love is a want. I repeat: LOVE IS NOT AN ADULT HUMAN NEED!
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David D. Burns |
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abe154c
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Self-esteem can be defined as the state that exists when you are not arbitrarily haranguing and abusing yourself but choose to fight back against those automatic thoughts with meaningful rational responses.
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David D. Burns |
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f54f64c
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ALL-OR-NOTHING THINKING: You see things in black-and-white categories. If your performance falls short of perfect, you see yourself as a total failure.
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David D. Burns |
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57cbc77
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But these abnormal emotions feel just as valid and realistic as the genuine feelings created by undistorted thoughts, so you automatically attribute truth to them. This is why depression is such a powerful form of mental black magic.
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David D. Burns |
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f5fb36b
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For example, when a loved one dies, you validly think, "I lost him (or her), and I will miss the companionship and love we shared." The feelings such a thought creates are tender, realistic, and desirable. Your emotions will enhance your humanity and add depth to the meaning of life. In this way you gain from your loss."
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David D. Burns |
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97cfb16
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The attitude that depression is necessary strikes me as destructive, inhuman, and victimizing.
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David D. Burns |
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66c8e76
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When you confront the monster you
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David D. Burns |
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2d54246
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Remember that as the drug begins to work, you will feel less suicidal.
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David D. Burns |
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3c5b289
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Because of your twisted thinking, you see yourself in a trap from which there seems to be no escape. You jump to the conclusion that your problems are insoluble. Because your suffering feels unbearable and appears unending, you may erroneously conclude that suicide is your only way of escape.
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David D. Burns |
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71f6daf
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golden opportunity to learn to cope with criticism and anger effectively. This came as a complete surprise to me; I hadn't realized what good fortune I had. In addition to urging me to use cognitive techniques to reduce and eliminate my own sense of irritation. Dr. Beck proposed I try out an unusual strategy for interacting with Hank when he was in an angry mood. The essence of this method was: (1) Don't turn Hank off by defending yourself...
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David D. Burns |
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fe09a56
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It can work the other way as well. I have worked with many depressed patients who were still stuck after I had tried numerous psychotherapeutic interventions. When I prescribed an antidepressant medication, many of these patients started to turn the corner, and the psychotherapy began to work better. It seemed as if the medication really did help them change their negative thinking patterns as they recovered from the depression.
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David D. Burns |
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8f34391
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After all, we're all imperfect, and others have the right to tell us about it from time to time. But are you obliged to make yourself miserable and hate yourself every time someone flies off the handle or puts you down?
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David D. Burns |
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c3b55a5
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self-image
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David D. Burns |
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In addition, we still do not really know how the brain creates emotions. We do not know why some people are more prone to negative thinking and gloomy moods throughout their lives, whereas others seem to be eternal optimists who always have a positive outlook and a cheerful disposition.
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David D. Burns |
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31d22c6
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When you are depressed, you may have a tendency to confuse feeling with facts. Your feelings of hopelessness and total despair are just symptoms of depressive illness, not facts. If you think you are hopeless, you will naturally feel this way. Your feelings only trace the illogical pattern of your thinking. Only an expert, who has treated hundreds of depressed individuals, would be in a position to give a meaningful prognosis for recovery. ..
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David D. Burns |
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The perception of unfairness or injustice is the ultimate cause of most, if not all, anger...
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David D. Burns |
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If I try to flirt with her, I'll probably get shot down. That would show what a loser I am." This thought contains nearly all ten cognitive distortions, but it's a classic example of Self-Blame,"
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David D. Burns |
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9358495
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If the comments are wrong, there is really nothing for you to be upset about. On the other hand, if the criticism is accurate, there is still no reason for you to feel overwhelmed. You're not expected to be perfect.
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David D. Burns |
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4b77112
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Every time you feel depressed about something, try to identify a corresponding negative thought you had just prior to and during the depression. Because these thoughts have actually created your bad mood, by learning to restructure them, you can change your mood.
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David D. Burns |
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848e23a
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One of the most important tasks of any therapist is to help depressed patients find the courage and determination to resist and fight these hopeless feelings. This battle is often fierce and rarely easy, but nearly always rewarding in the long run.
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David D. Burns |
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abf6898
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If you can answer yes, then you are clearly motivated to change. You will probably succeed in gaining greater inner peace and self-esteem, and you will increase your effectiveness in life. This
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David D. Burns |
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853ce9f
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In one sense, depression can feel even worse than cancer, because most cancer patients feel hope as well as self-esteem.
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David D. Burns |
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9945f64
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Ask people for suggestions on how to improve, and if they're going to reject you for being imperfect, let them do it and get it over with.
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David D. Burns |
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a2ebe5b
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And most important, nobody could love or relate to you. It would be impossible to feel any love for someone who was flawless and knew it all. Doesn't that sound lonely, boring, and miserable? Are you so sure you still want perfection? Part V Defeating Hopelessness and Suicide
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David D. Burns |
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edbcc1b
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I suspect you will find that a great many of your negative feelings are in fact based on such thinking errors.
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David D. Burns |
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bb40faf
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So remember three crucial steps when you are upset: Zero in on those automatic negative thoughts and write them down. Don't let them buzz around in your head; snare them on paper! Read over the list of ten cognitive distortions. Learn precisely how you are twisting things and blowing them out of proportion. Substitute a more objective thought that puts the lie to the one which made you look down on yourself. As you do this, you'll begin to ..
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David D. Burns |
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d97fc23
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It did not eliminate the tumor, but it did restore her missing self-esteem, and that made all the difference in the way she felt.
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David D. Burns |
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798df12
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It would be nice if I could make my wife happy now because she seems upset. I can ask what she's upset about and see if there might be a way I could help." Or instead of "I shouldn't have eaten the ice cream," you can say, "It would have been better if I hadn't eaten the ice cream, but it's not the end of the world that I did."
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David D. Burns |
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6fb827c
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Should statements based on the premise you are all-powerful assume that, like God, you are omnipotent and have the ability to control yourself and other people so as to achieve each and every goal. You
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David D. Burns |
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c90b61a
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Some encouraging studies suggest that the answer may be yes. Dr. Isaac Marks, from the Institute of Psychiatry at the University of London, has shown that many individuals can overcome anxiety disorders using CBT techniques without face-to-face psychotherapy or medications. I'm hopeful that this book will prove just as effective for people with anxiety as Feeling Good has been for people struggling with depression. However, no
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David D. Burns |
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c53e38b
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People who are prone to anxiety are nearly always people-pleasers who fear conflict and negative feelings like anger. When you feel upset, you sweep
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David D. Burns |
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bb2f83e
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my anger directed toward someone who has knowingly, intentionally, and unnecessarily acted in a hurtful manner? 2. Is my anger useful? Does it help me achieve a desired goal or does it simply defeat me?
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David D. Burns |
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a275fcd
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Jeffrey discovered that the truth was the opposite of what he'd always believed. He'd always tried to keep his weaknesses and vulnerabilities hidden because he thought they were so shameful. But in spite of all his wealth, power, and success, Jeffrey had never really gotten close to people or discovered any inner peace or happiness. In contrast, his human, vulnerable
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David D. Burns |
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bd76f54
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Your orbit is certainly big and fancy in comparison with mine. But I don't understand how that makes you a better person than I am, or how it follows that I'm inferior to you.
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David D. Burns |
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b2cad86
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Many research studies, as well as my own clinical experience, have confirmed that severely depressed patients who appear very "biologically" depressed with lots of physical symptoms often respond rapidly to cognitive therapy alone without any drugs.5"
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David D. Burns |