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d6622fc
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A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
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Mitch Hedberg |
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eb67820
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I am not addicted to gambling although I am addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
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Mitch Hedberg |
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7371b87
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I bought a $7 pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
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Mitch Hedberg |
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70e1a62
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I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
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Mitch Hedberg |
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e32a796
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I dressed up for the CD.
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Mitch Hedberg |
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f583d2f
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I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
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Mitch Hedberg |
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99b453b
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I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
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Mitch Hedberg |
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d00de11
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This shirt is "dry-clean only"... Which means it's dirty.
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Mitch Hedberg |
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c433cf5
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I play sports... No I don't, what the fuck?
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Mitch Hedberg |
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8d6c31d
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I've always wanted a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist... Alright.
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Mitch Hedberg |
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132e1e5
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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.
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Mitch Hedberg |
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6bc78c6
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So I wish I could play little league now, I'd kick some fuckin' ass.
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Mitch Hedberg |
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f0e23dc
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You can't please all the people all the time. And yesterday, all those people were at my show.
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Mitch Hedberg |
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f4601c2
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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Mitch Hedberg |
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251ba4e
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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Mitch Hedberg |
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e645d6a
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I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.
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Mitch Hedberg |
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520cec8
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I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry", so it died.
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Mitch Hedberg |
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4b53cbc
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I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait."
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Mitch Hedberg |
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d41367f
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I'd like to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real fuckin' big!
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Mitch Hedberg |
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cbcb2a9
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To the people in the bathroom: How's it going in there?
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Mitch Hedberg |
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10f085d
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Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
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Mitch Hedberg |
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c01f156
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I like it when people laugh for no reason... like that lady over there.
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Mitch Hedberg |
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47781f2
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My girl works at Hooters, in the kitchen.
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Mitch Hedberg |
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63bfb57
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Somebody's got a hat they're not wearing... either that or that table's fucking hip.
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Mitch Hedberg |
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7c61d0a
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If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.
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Mitch Hedberg |
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e6d827f
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What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable.
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Mitch Hedberg |
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a400c12
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Audience Member: Hey Mitch, I got something to put in that pipe for ya!
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Mitch Hedberg |
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12fc31a
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I would imagine that the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is... fucking... clean.
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Mitch Hedberg |
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3b2fdd8
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If you have dentures, don't use artificial sweetener, cause you'll get a fake cavity.
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Mitch Hedberg |
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990b0ed
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Remember that show 'My Three Sons'? It'd be funny if it was called 'My One Dad'... wait, what?
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Mitch Hedberg |
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cab327d
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I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket.
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Mitch Hedberg |
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555a6f9
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I had one anchovy, that's why I didn't have two anchovies.
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Mitch Hedberg |
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7d328a5
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A fly was very close to being called a "land," cause that's what they do half the time.
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Mitch Hedberg |
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35b70d0
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Yeah, this comedy is all a part of my "Get Rich Slow" scheme... and it's working.
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Mitch Hedberg |
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f9cee5a
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I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down.
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Mitch Hedberg |
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bfcc693
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I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.
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Mitch Hedberg |