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fb1d53f
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If you're looking for sympathy you'll find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.
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David Sedaris |
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e3cc4df
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Sometimes the sins you haven't committed are all you have left to hold onto.
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David Sedaris |
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e2d40db
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Like all of my friends, she's a lousy judge of character.
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humor
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David Sedaris |
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42cb130
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If I could believe in myself, why not give other improbabilities the benefit of the doubt?
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David Sedaris |
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27ee277
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I haven't the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out.
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David Sedaris |
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1274838
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We were not a hugging people. In terms of emotional comfort it was our belief that no amount of physical contact could match the healing powers of a well made cocktail.
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drinking
emotion
humor
alcohol
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David Sedaris |
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85a9cca
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As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts.
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humor
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David Sedaris |
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9918760
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If you aren't cute, you may as well be clever.
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David Sedaris |
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304a17d
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Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings
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tact
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David Sedaris |
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82d06cb
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When shit brings you down, just say 'fuck it', and eat yourself some motherfucking candy.
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the-rooster
expletives
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David Sedaris |
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a71391b
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He took a sip of my father's weak coffee and spit it back into the mug. "This shit's like making love in a canoe." "Excuse me?" "It's fucking near water."
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David Sedaris |
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27f16e1
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Certain motherfuckers think they can fuck with my shit, but you can't kill the Rooster. You might can fuck him up some times, but, bitch, nobody kills the motherfucking Rooster. You know what I'm saying?
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perseverance
rooster
self-preservation
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David Sedaris |
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ce02025
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Hugh and I have been together for so long that in order to arouse extraordinary passion, we need to engage in physical combat. Once, he hit me on the back of the head with a broken wineglass, and I fell to the floor pretending to be unconscious. That was romantic, or would have been had he rushed to my side rather than stepping over my body to fetch the dustpan.
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sex
relationships
romance
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David Sedaris |
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b164ba8
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Every day we're told that we live in the greatest country on earth. And it's always stated as an undeniable fact: Leos are born between July 23 and August 22, fitted queen-size sheets measure sixty by eighty inches, and America is the greatest country on earth. Having grown up with this in our ears, it's startling to realize that other countries have nationalistic slogans of their own, none of which are 'We're number two!
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nationalism
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David Sedaris |
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68490c0
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For the first twenty years of my life, I rocked myself to sleep. It was a harmless enough hobby, but eventually, I had to give it up. Throughout the next twenty-two years I lay still and discovered that after a few minutes I could drop off with no problem. Follow seven beers with a couple of scotches and a thimble of good marijuana, and it's funny how sleep just sort of comes on its own. Often I never even made it to the bed. I'd squat down..
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drinking
humor
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David Sedaris |
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c54b988
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I hate you' she said to me one afternoon. 'I really, really hate you.' Call me sensitive, but I couldn't help but take it personally.
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hate
sensitive
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David Sedaris |
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6f15b64
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After a few months in my parents' basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where I discovered both crystal methamphetamine and conceptual art. Either one of these things are dangerous, but in combination they have the potential to destroy entire civilizations.
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conceptual-art
crystal-meth
drugs
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David Sedaris |
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f71ed19
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When asked "What do we need to learn this for?" any high-school teacher can confidently answer that, regardless of the subject, the knowledge will come in handy once the student hits middle age and starts working crossword puzzles in order to stave off the terrible loneliness."
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David Sedaris |
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bd0c71a
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On my fifth trip to France I limited myself to the words and phrases that people actually use. From the dog owners I learned "Lie down," "Shut up," and "Who shit on this carpet?" The couple across the road taught me to ask questions correctly, and the grocer taught me to count. Things began to come together, and I went from speaking like an evil baby to speaking like a hillbilly. "Is thems the thoughts of cows?" I'd ask the butcher, pointin..
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David Sedaris |
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4755ed0
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Boys who spent their weekends making banana nut muffins did not, as a rule, excel in the art of hand-to-hand combat.
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machismo
masculinity
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David Sedaris |
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46f8b08
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It's just a penis, right? Probably no worse for you than smoking.
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David Sedaris |
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9849b96
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This left me alone to solve the coffee problem - a sort of catch-22, as in order to think straight I need caffeine, and in order to make that happen I need to think straight.
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David Sedaris |
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0d70783
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Most people would have found it grotesque, but when you're in love nothing is so abstract or horrible that it can't be thought of as cute.
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David Sedaris |
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b07d8e4
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At the end of a miserable day, instead of grieving my virtual nothing, I can always look at my loaded wastepaper basket and tell myself that if I failed, at least I took a few trees down with me.
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typewriters
technology
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David Sedaris |
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5047099
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High school taught me a valuable lesson about glasses: Don't wear them. Contacts have always seemed like too much work, so instead I just squint, figuring that if something is more than ten feet away, I'll just deal with it when I get there.
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David Sedaris |
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ecdce4d
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It's astonishing the amount of time that certain straight people devote to gay sex - trying to determine what goes where and how often. They can't imagine any system outside their own, and seem obsessed with the idea of roles, both in bed and out of it. Who calls whom a bitch? Who cries harder when the cat dies? Which one spends the most time in the bathroom? I guess they think that it's that cut-and-dried, though of course it's not. Hugh m..
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lgbt
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David Sedaris |
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b6960e2
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Hugh consoled me, saying, "Don't let it get to you. There are plenty of things you're good at." When asked for some examples, he listed vacuuming and naming stuffed animals. He says he can probably come up with a few more, but he'll need some time to think."
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iq
smart
talent
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David Sedaris |
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1e84f6d
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Every gathering has its moment. As an adult, I distract myself by trying to identify it, dreading the inevitable downswing that is sure to follow. The guests will repeat themselves one too many times, or you'll run out of dope or liquor and realize that it was all you ever had in common.
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friends
entertaining
socializing
drugs
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David Sedaris |
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bb8f90c
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I just looked at the pattern of my life, decided I didn't like it, and changed.
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insightful
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David Sedaris |
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c2922c7
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Like any normal fifth grader, I preferred my villains to be evil and stay that way, to act like Dracula rather than Frankenstein's monster, who ruined everything by handing that peasant girl a flower. He sort of made up for it by drowning her a few minutes later, but, still, you couldn't look at him the same way again.
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David Sedaris |
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b7c582a
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It's safe to assume that by 2085 guns will be sold in vending machines but you won't be able to smoke anywhere in America.
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humor
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David Sedaris |
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275c1b2
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I find it ridiculous to assign a gender to an inanimate object incapable of disrobing and making an occasional fool of itself. Why refer to lady crack pipe or good sir dishrag when these things could never live up to all that their sex implied?
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David Sedaris |
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6d8e727
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Kools and Newports were for black people and lower-class whites. Camels were for procrastinators, those who wrote bad poetry, and those who put off writing bad poetry. Merits were for sex addicts, Salems were for alcoholics, and Mores were for people who considered themselves to be outrageous but really weren't.
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stereotypes
smoking
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David Sedaris |
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7a6de6b
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The Korean man nodded, the way you do when you're a foreigner and understand that someone has finished a sentence.
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David Sedaris |
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99d987b
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Sometimes, when I find it hard to sleep, I'll think of when we first met, of the newness of each other's body, and my impatience to know everything about this person. Looking back, I should have taken it more slowly, measured him out over the course of fifty years rather than cramming him in so quickly. By the end of our first month together, he'd been so thoroughly interrogated that all I had left was breaking news--what little had happene..
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David Sedaris |
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6e71168
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The italian nanny was attempting to answer the teachers latest question when the moroccan student interupted, shouting "Excuse me, What is an easter?" it would seem that depsite having grown up in a muslim country, she would have heard it mentioned once or twice, but no. "I mean it," She said. " I have no idea what you people are talking about." The teacher called upon the rest of us to explain. The poles led the charge to the best of their..
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David Sedaris |
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0e51e00
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The rabbit of Easter. He bring of the chocolate.
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religion
holidays
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David Sedaris |
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d8aaaa0
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Amy adored both the new look and the new person it allowed her to be. Following the photo shoot, she wore her bruises to the dry cleaner and the grocery store. Most people nervously looked away, but on the rare occasions someone would ask what happened, my sister would smile as brightly as possible, saying, 'I'm in love. Can you believe it? I'm finally, totally in love, and I feel great.
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David Sedaris |
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0b09867
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States vote to take away my marriage rights, and even though I don't want to get married, it tends to hurt my feelings. I guess what bugs me is that it was put to a vote in the first place. If you don't want to marry a homosexual, then don't. But what gives you the right to weigh in on your neighbor's options? It's like voting whether or not redheads should be allowed to celebrate Christmas.
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humor
gay-lesbian
homosexual
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David Sedaris |
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cac3fd0
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In order to get the things I want, it helps me to pretend I'm a figure in a daytime drama, a schemer. Soap opera characters make emphatic pronouncements. They ball up their fists and state their goals out loud. 'I will destroy Buchanan Enterprises,' they say. 'Phoebe Wallingford will pay for what she's done to our family.' Walking home with the back half of the twelve-foot ladder, I turned to look in the direction of Hugh's loft. 'You will ..
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soap-operas
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David Sedaris |
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89e22d7
|
There's a short circuit between my brain and my tongue, thus "Leave me the fuck alone" comes out as "Well, maybe. Sure. I guess I can see your point." --
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David Sedaris |
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d4be2b6
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It is funny the things that run through your mind when you're sitting in your underpants in front of a pair of strangers.
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self-consciousness
|
David Sedaris |
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dc9026b
|
Oh, for Christ's sake,' I hear. 'Can we please just try to have a good time?' This is like ordering someone to find you attractive, and it doesn't work. I've tried it.
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humor
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David Sedaris |
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9123055
|
What's the trick to remembering that a sandwich is masculine? What qualities does it share with anyone in possession of a penis? I'll tell myself that a sandwich is masculine because if left alone for a week or two, it will eventually grow a beard.
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humor
language
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David Sedaris |