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Nathaniel Septimus Ernest Bertram Lysander Tybalt Zacharias Edmund Alexander Humphrey Percy Quentin Tristan Augustus Bartholomew Tarquin Imogen Sebastian Theodore Clarence Smythe.
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David Walliams |
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the last few miles of the Atlantic Ocean back to England with all of the jewellery hidden in her knickers. Granny
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David Walliams |
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This went on for a few minutes, but to save paper and therefore the trees and therefore the forests and therefore the environment and therefore the world I have tried to keep it short.
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David Walliams |
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Zoe also knew her stepmother did not love her. Or even like her very much. In truth, Zoe was pretty sure her stepmother hated her. Sheila treated her at worst as an irritant, at best as if she were invisible.
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David Walliams |
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tottered
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David Walliams |
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Technically speaking, that means there was a lot of wee and poo in it.)
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David Walliams |
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fact, if there was a fire in their house, and Mum could only save either a sparkly gold tap-shoe once worn by Flavio Flavioli (the shiny, tanned dancer and heartbreaker from Italy who appeared on every series of the hit TV show) or her only child, Ben thought she would probably go for the shoe.
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David Walliams |
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period
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David Walliams |
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Sikh.
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David Walliams |
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With a Spoon?!
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David Walliams |
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Zoe had to do something or she would be roadkill.
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David Walliams |
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Smelly cheese, blue cheese, runny cheese, MOULDY CHEESE, cheesy cheese.
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David Walliams |
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poo,
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David Walliams |
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Do NOT complain about the tea. We know it tastes like someone's bathwater that has been PEED in. That's because it is.
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David Walliams |
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Just to check she's not going out." "Going"
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David Walliams |
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tedious
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David Walliams |
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emporium,
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David Walliams |
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smiled in a week. "It's nice to see you smile, Dennis. Lisa told me what happened at school. I am very sorry." "Thanks, Raj." "I must say you had me fooled though! Very good you looked, Denise! Ha ha! But I mean, being expelled for putting on a dress. It's absurd! You haven't done anything wrong, Dennis. You mustn't"
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David Walliams |
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Now I am covered in knickers!" she complained loudly. "I can never show my face in polite society again!"
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David Walliams |
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school.
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David Walliams |
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Made-up word ALERT
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David Walliams |
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rejects
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David Walliams |
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Magazines like that are for girls! And woofters!" "SHUT UP!" said Dad. Dennis"
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David Walliams |
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But how had he died? Zoe knew that Gingernut was very young, even in hamster years. Could this be a hamster murder? she wondered. But what kind of person would want to murder a defenceless little hamster? Well, before this story is over, you will know. And you will also know that there are people capable of doing much, much worse. The most evil man in the world is lurking somewhere in this very book. Read on, if you dare...
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David Walliams |
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on
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David Walliams |
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At London Zoo, a girl leaped over the wall at the penguin enclosure. She thought that by tugging her pullover over her head, waddling and catching a fish in her mouth she could pass herself off as a penguin.
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David Walliams |
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One Christmas on a school outing to see the local pantomime two pupils stole the pantomime horse costume. They were only found out when several months later they attempted to enter the Grand National.
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David Walliams |
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GET OUT! GET OUT OF MY CLASSROOM YOU VILE LITTLE GIRL! AND TAKE THAT DISGUSTING CREATURE WITH YOU!" snarled the teacher."
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David Walliams |
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Oh it's just my breakfast, Lisa. A couple of bags of Maltesers, a Toblerone, a Bounty, Jelly Tots, some Skips, seven bags of Monster Munch, Raj was doing a special offer on those, a box of Creme Eggs, and a can of Diet Coke.
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David Walliams |
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What I still don't get though," ventured John. "Is why you did it?" "Did what?" "Put that dress on in the first place." "I don't know really," said Dennis, a puzzled look crossing his face. "I suppose it's because it was fun." "Fun?" said John. "Well you know when we were younger and we used to run around the garden pretending to be Daleks or Spiderman or whatever?"
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humour
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David Walliams |
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Pulling wings off daddy-longlegs, stapling cats' tails to the floor, hanging bunny rabbits on a clothes line by their ears, just a bit of fun.
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David Walliams |
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At first all she could see was a tiny shadowy shape in the corner by the door. She tiptoed out of bed to have a closer look. It was little and dirty and a tad smelly. The dusty floorboards creaked a little under her weight. The tiny thing turned around. It was a rat.
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David Walliams |
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Unfortunately for Ben and Granny, it turns out that ancient poo does still pong.) After
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David Walliams |
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hank you, Miss Midget, I mean Midge, for that beautiful tuba playing," lied Mr Grave. It had been truly awful. Like a hippopotamus farting."
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David Walliams |
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He opened the card. It was from Raj's shop and featured a big smiling cartoon bear inexplicably wearing sunglasses and Bermuda shorts. Dennis had chosen it from Raj's shop because it had "Happy Birthday to the Best Dad in the World" written on it."
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David Walliams |
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HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!
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David Walliams |
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But it had been a few moments since Joe had last eaten and he was hungry.
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David Walliams |
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lied
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David Walliams |
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Rabbit Droppings
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David Walliams |
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Imagine that. Vomiting until all that was left to sick up was your own blood!
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David Walliams |
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He was wearing a short, electric-blue dress and holding a silver clutch-bag. It was a party dress, really, not what anyone would wear on a Sunday morning to a newsagent's shop. Least of all a twelve-year-old boy.
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David Walliams |
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Rats are the most unloved living things on the planet.
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David Walliams |
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A trip to a Dr Who exhibition ended in chaos when a number of boys stole Cybermen, Sontaran and Dalek costumes and pretended that there was an alien invasion of Earth.
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David Walliams |
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Hello, Raj," said Zoe sheepishly. "I don't have any money again today I am afraid." "Not a penny?" "Nothing. Sorry."
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David Walliams |