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Cannon, n. An instrument employed in the rectification of national boundaries.
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Capital, n. The seat of misgovernment.
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Congratulation, n. The civility of envy.
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Defenceless, adj. Unable to attack.
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Diplomacy, n. The patriotic art of lying for one's country.
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Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.
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Erudition, n. Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull.
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Flesh, n. The Second Person of the secular Trinity.
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Helpmate, n. A wife, or bitter half.
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In'ards, n. pl. The stomach, heart, soul, and other bowels.
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Labor, n. One of the processes by which A acquires property of B.
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Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.
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Liberty, n. One of imagination's most precious possessions.
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Monday, n. In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.
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Non-combatant, n. A dead Quaker.
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Once, adj. Enough.
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Opportunity, n. A favorable occasion for grasping a disappointment.
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Optimist, n. A proponent of the doctrine that black is white.
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Patience, n. A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.
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Philosophy, n. A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.
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Politeness, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy.
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Positive, adj. Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
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Prejudice, n. A vagrant opinion without visible means of support.
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Saint, n. A dead sinner, revised and edited.
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Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.
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Success, n. The one unpardonable sin against one's fellows.
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Twice, adv. Once too often.
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Un-American, adj. Wicked, intolerable, heathenish.
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White, adj. and n. Black.
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Year, n. A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
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Woman would be more charming if one could fall into her arms without falling into her hands.
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Self-denial is indulgence of a propensity to forego.
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To Dogmatism the Spirit of Inquiry is the same as the Spirit of Evil.
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If you would be accounted great by your contemporaries, be not too much greater than they.
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O proud philanthropist, your hope is vainTo get by giving what you lost by gain.
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If you want to read a perfect book there is only one way: write it.
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When lost in a forest go always down hill. When lost in a philosophy or doctrine go upward.
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The only distinction that democracies reward is a high degree of conformity.
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Slang is the speech of him who robs the literary garbage carts on their way to the dumps.
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He who thinks with difficulty believes with alacrity.
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Convictions are variable; to be always consistent is to be sometimes dishonest.
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The most intolerant advocate is he who is trying to convince himself.
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The poor man's price of admittance to the favor of the rich is his self-respect.
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All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
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