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2f45de4
|
I like to believe that there is an extra warm corner of hell for these fuckers who traffic in emotional misery.
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Craig Ferguson |
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69db0cc
|
My mother was tickled and I think kind of proud when my father got hit on my an attractive middle-aged Asian lady who hadn't noticed he was with his family. He was certainly pleased about it.
|
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marriage
humor
|
Craig Ferguson |
|
556d9a4
|
Hey dawg, wassup?" he said, in the strange way that white talent agents from Los Angeles do in an attempt to sound like young black men from underprivileged backgrounds. A linguistic fashion as peculiar as the lisp that everybody in medieval Spain had to adopt after the king developed a speech impediment."
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Craig Ferguson |
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8596917
|
Jimmy put in a word and told them that if I made it, I wouldn't be able to live with myself without paying them back. That I'd sooner die than owe anyone money for helping me. Apparently Jimmy knew more about me at that point than I knew about myself.
|
|
self-awareness
friendship
rehab
|
Craig Ferguson |
|
ce2516b
|
It turns out that speeding irresponsibly in a large truck, placing personal wealth ahead of the welfare of others, is one of the greatest sins in the Universe....
|
|
reckless-driving
rules-of-the-universe
speeding
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Craig Ferguson |
|
95a6d14
|
I was ambitious and desperate to direct my first film, so I capitulated and blew it. Never again. Never fucking again.
|
|
directing
never-again
desperation
|
Craig Ferguson |
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8e20fea
|
Acid gave me a clinical, unblinking look at madness, and I discovered I wasn't brave enough to be insane.
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|
|
Craig Ferguson |
|
874b25b
|
Sophie thought about Frank's cock sometimes, how famous it was. Not as famous as his voice, sure, but famous in cock terms. Most cocks were seen by only a handful of people: Mom, Dad, creepy uncle, priest, bunkmates, and lovers. Frank's cock had been seen by thousands of showgirls. It was a well-known cock; more than well known, it was a star. Jesus, Frank's cock probably had anecdotes.
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Craig Ferguson |
|
290c9d3
|
I sometimes wonder if fear isn't just God's way of saying, 'Pay attention, this could be fun.
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Craig Ferguson |
|
f4e9ff3
|
Only tyrants and fools made martyrs. He was certainly no fool. And he was no tyrant either- how could he be, he had suffered a hideous stroke. He was a victim. The victim excuse, where evil is born.
|
|
|
Craig Ferguson |
|
1f1a434
|
It was San Francisco, after all; if you are a guy and you're worried about the girl you like hooking up with someone on her vacation, I suppose San Francisco is the safest bet, assuming she doesn't give her heart to a lesbian--and who among us hasn't done that?
|
|
|
Craig Ferguson |
|
1767824
|
I don't know why I was so afraid of failure; the most interesting people I know have failed more than they have succeeded. This may be because life is not as simple as it appears to a desperately ambitious young man, or it could be that all my friends are losers.
|
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|
Craig Ferguson |
|
116c3cf
|
between safety and adventure I choose adventure
|
|
|
Craig Ferguson |
|
5eb992c
|
Nothing says romance like hobos, martyrs and decapitations.
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|
|
Craig Ferguson |
|
f796097
|
I dont know how to add things to my own wikipedia page.
|
|
|
Craig Ferguson |
|
19addc8
|
Change is the law of God's mind and resistance to it is the source of all pain.
|
|
|
Craig Ferguson |
|
bda1a23
|
In a Scottish opera, it ain't over 'till the fat lady bitch-slaps you.
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|
Craig Ferguson |
|
06430bb
|
I'm a vulgar lounge entertainer, I don't need to wear a tie.
|
|
|
Craig Ferguson |
|
4848fe9
|
Whaa, I'm Brad Pitt. I'll crush you." [audience laughs] "With my hand!"
|
|
|
Craig Ferguson |
|
94a4e5c
|
He's quiet as well, especially if you stalk him."
|
|
|
Craig Ferguson |
|
6f7dc3e
|
You die alone in your house, and your cat will eat you.
|
|
|
Craig Ferguson |
|
7fb3ac3
|
Get well soon, Castro. [pause] Actually, no, don't; die, you bastard!
|
|
|
Craig Ferguson |
|
44dd60c
|
That's here on CBS, where the 'C' stands for 'Classy' and the 'BS' speaks for itself.
|
|
|
Craig Ferguson |
|
e1ca679
|
I enjoy bathing, as many Europeans don't.
|
|
|
Craig Ferguson |
|
be96831
|
Kids: If a bear is wearing a ranger hat, it's because he ate the ranger!
|
|
|
Craig Ferguson |
|
0bf5afc
|
Oh, this isn't a talk show; it's more just filling time, really, 'til the infomercials start.
|
|
|
Craig Ferguson |
|
aca07a9
|
Another innocent victim of my pointless rage.
|
|
|
Craig Ferguson |
|
33085c0
|
I can't live by your rules, man!
|
|
|
Craig Ferguson |
|
79fdae8
|
It's a great day for America, everybody.
|
|
|
Craig Ferguson |
|
56b29db
|
Remind you of anyone?
|
|
|
Craig Ferguson |
|
6365fc6
|
referring to himself] Where's the Scottish Conan guy?
|
|
|
Craig Ferguson |
|
9354432
|
Sounds like a party at Elton John's house.
|
|
|
Craig Ferguson |
|
b62cc3a
|
It's a JOKE!
|
|
|
Craig Ferguson |
|
cd403c8
|
in reference to a two-word comment from a guest] ...I used to dance under that name.
|
|
|
Craig Ferguson |
|
1344240
|
It's okay, I'm European [referring to a preceding sexually ambiguous comment].
|
|
|
Craig Ferguson |
|
8a788a7
|
or is it?
|
|
|
Craig Ferguson |
|
3151fc5
|
best night of my life.
|
|
|
Craig Ferguson |
|
92eb369
|
You know who doesn't like _____? Al-Qaeda!
|
|
|
Craig Ferguson |
|
e9789c4
|
referring to a suggestive comment aimed at the audience] You too, ladies.
|
|
|
Craig Ferguson |
|
c848569
|
with a fist-shake] Take that, ____.
|
|
|
Craig Ferguson |
|
45444a6
|
By the way, _____ was a name I used to dance under.
|
|
|
Craig Ferguson |
|
59b918f
|
Welcome back, my cheeky wee monkeys.
|
|
|
Craig Ferguson |
|
1237de8
|
Welcome back, my filthy pigeons.
|
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|
Craig Ferguson |
|
d26991a
|
Welcome back, my naughty monkeys. [whipcrack]
|
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|
Craig Ferguson |