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Romantic Love delivers us into the passionate arms of someone who will ultimately trigger the same frustrations we had with our parents, but for the best possible reason! Doing so brings our childhood wounds to the surface so they can be healed.
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Harville Hendrix |
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When we were babies, we didn't smile sweetly at our mothers to get them to take care of us. We didn't pinpoint our discomfort by putting it into words. We simply opened our mouths and screamed. And it didn't take us long to learn that, the louder we screamed, the quicker they came. The success of this tactic was turned into an "imprint," a part of our stored memory about how to get the world to respond to our needs: "When you are frustrated..
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Harville Hendrix |
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Do you want to be right, or do you want to be in relationship?" Because you can't always have both. You can't cuddle up and relax with "being right" after a long day."
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Harville Hendrix |
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FROM ECSTASY TO AGONY Romantic Love sticks around long enough to bind two people together. Then it rides off into the sunset. And seemingly overnight, your dream marriage can turn into your biggest nightmare.
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Harville Hendrix |
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Is this who I married?! Something is terribly wrong. Let us reassure you, nothing has gone wrong. Romantic Love is just the first stage of couplehood. It's supposed to fade. Romantic Love is the powerful force that draws you to someone who has the positive and negative qualities of your parents or caregiver (this includes anyone responsible for your care as a child, for example: a parent, older sibling, grandparent, or babysitters.).
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Harville Hendrix |
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Experiencing empathy, the freedom to explore, trust, and insight can reset your default reactions to a more curious, tolerant, and confident stance. Because our brains are plastic, consistently positive experiences do stimulate existing neurons to adapt and connect in different pathways. Nurturing relationships help us grow psychologically and neurally in ways that are not possible in nonnurturing relationships. As adults, our most importan..
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Harville Hendrix |
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All this may seem like a terrible tangle. But since partnership is designed to resurface feelings from childhood, it means that most of the upset that gets triggered in us during our relationship is from our past. Yes! About 90 percent of the frustrations your partner has with you are really about their issues from childhood. That means only 10 percent or so is about each of you right now. Doesn't that make you feel better?
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Harville Hendrix |
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In literature, as in love, we are astonished at what is chosen by others. --ANDRE MAUROIS
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Harville Hendrix |
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One minute you're involved in your life as you know it, when suddenly you see the one. Your eyes meet (perhaps across a crowded room). Heart palpitations start. And the fairy tale of romance begins. Flowers, batting eyelashes, shared meals, laughter. Sunset walks and little love gifts to each other. You spend hours looking forward to your next time together. Maybe you'll see a movie or simply hang out--talking about everything and nothing.
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Harville Hendrix |
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When rudely awakened from the dazzling dream of compatibility, people can get very grumpy. Desperate to end the pain and disappointment Romantic Love leaves behind, many couples get divorced. Others who decide not to do the mind-numbing work of dividing up the stuff may stay together. But they wind up living parallel lives, without any true connection. They assume this is as good as it gets. But secretly they think something must be terribl..
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Harville Hendrix |
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Whoa! The idea that your partner is really a composite of your parents can be a bit upsetting at first. Though we love our parents, most of us got over (consciously) wanting to marry them when we turned five or six. Then, when we hit our teenage years, all we wanted was our freedom. But the fact is, we're unconsciously drawn to that special someone with the best and worst character traits of all of our caregivers combined. We call this our ..
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Harville Hendrix |
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Helen and I like to think of two people in a conscious love relationship as companion stars. Each person is a unique individual ablaze with potential. One is just as important as the other, and each has a unique and equally valid view of the universe. Yet, together, they form a greater whole, kept connected by the pull of mutual love and respect. They mirror the interconnected universe. New
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Harville Hendrix |
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Dr. Hendrix, why do couples have such a hard time staying together?" I thought for a moment and then responded. "I don't have the foggiest notion. That is a great question and I think I'll spend the rest of my career trying to find out."
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Harville Hendrix |
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We have learned over the years of helping couples that just spending quality time talking about each other's pasts can be very helpful. We've seen how effective this can be in our couples' workshops. Years ago, we devoted half the workshop time to helping couples learn more about each other's pasts. Now, we spend a fraction of that time and get the same results. There is a concept informally called woundology, where couples spend too much t..
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Harville Hendrix |
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In the words of Wordsworth, we come into the world "trailing clouds of glory," but the fire is soon extinguished, and we lose sight of the fact that we are whole, spiritual beings. We live impoverished, repetitious, unrewarding lives and blame our partners for our unhappiness."
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Harville Hendrix |
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A man who attended a recent workshop said that "falling in love with my wife made me feel loved and accepted for who I was for the very first time. It was intoxicating."
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Harville Hendrix |
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Helen LaKelly Hunt, Ph.D. The world is not comprehensible, but it is embraceable: through the embracing of one of its beings. --MARTIN BUBER
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Harville Hendrix |
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From our view, these scars are very active in adult intimate relationships and show up constantly when a partner turns away or shows a still face when the other is trying to engage.
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Harville Hendrix |
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Helen's research in the field of epistemology, the science of "how we know what we know," helps explain why. There are two different types of knowing: "Separate Knowing" and "Connected Knowing." Here's an illustration of the differences between the two. You have a "separate" or intellectual knowing of an apple if you can recognize a picture of the fruit, understand that it contains the seeds of the plant, or talk about its health benefits. ..
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Harville Hendrix |
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When Harville awakened, he looked at the same scene with a loud and appreciative exclamation. I was tempted to explain to him that I had already seen the beautiful view and was now working on an important email. But I recalled the "Still Face" video and moved to the window to join Harville's enthusiasm for the rising sun and shining beach, rather than be a still face. If I had not joined him, his excitement would have had no echo. The power..
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Harville Hendrix |
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There are times in most relationships when one partner is mystified by the other's behavior: "You're crazy. You keep doing the same things over and over, and it's totally unproductive!" Or, "I am totally confused by you. You make no sense." "I'm surprised that you're going to accept that promotion. You are far too busy already." There are also times when you are triggered by something your partner does or by your partner's repetitive behavi..
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Harville Hendrix |
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the unconscious is trying to resurrect the past is not a matter of habit or blind compulsion but of a compelling need to heal old childhood wounds.
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Harville Hendrix |
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generally speaking, there are two simplified categories that parenting falls into: intrusive or neglectful caretaking. Parents were either overinvolved--telling us what to do, think, and feel--or they were underinvolved--physically or emotionally absent. These challenges are across the spectrum from subtle to severe. As a response, we become anxious and self-absorbed, losing our capacity for empathy. We become the walking wounded in a battl..
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Harville Hendrix |
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Ironically, for reasons we will explore in later chapters, fusers (who experienced neglectful caretaking) and isolators (who experienced intrusive parenting) tend to grow up and marry each other, thus beginning an infuriating game of push and pull that leaves neither partner satisfied.
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Harville Hendrix |