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Link	Quote	Stars	Tags	Author
df1d25c	One of the main tasks of adolescence is to achieve an identity--not necessarily a knowledge of who we are, but a clarification of the range of what we might become, a set of self-references by which we can make sense of our responses, and justify our decisions and goals.		decisions goals identity life respponsibilities values	Terri Apter
768e777	Yet being in the spotlight is also dangerous because a child's success may be construed by a narcissistic mother as competition. In self-defense, a son or daughter may insist that any achievement is a fluke, and any award is undeserved or is really a tribute to their mother. They suppress their own healthy narcissism to please a mother . . they believe any success is a mistake and at any moment they will be "found out" and identified as a f..		mother narcissism pleasing pleasing-others worthy	Terri Apter
ba59e80	Trying to make sense of other people's responses to us is a basic human activity. Accepting a mother's [or anyone's] anger by concluding that i is justified is a way of making sense of a difficult relationship. But this acceptance comes at a great cost, for it means that we see their cruelty as our shame.		abusive-relationships anger anger-management emotional-abuse physical-abuse shame	Terri Apter
b285ea6	You may find that yes, your partner tends to shout easily, but the shouting contains no malice and passes quickly. Perhaps your partner's short fuse does not prevent them from being loving and supportive. In that case, you may have found a gem whom others have avoided because they cannot get past the bursts of temper. But if you find that time after time, a partner or close friend disappoints you by being just like a difficult parent, then ..		anger parent relationships shouting	Terri Apter
af94393	you may seek out a partner who psychologically resembles your mother and found that you have walked right back into a difficult relationship. Perhapse you chose to be close to someone who turns out to be as volatile as your mother and who inflicts discomfort all too familiar to you. Or perhaps gradually, over time, your partner or close friend becomes like your mother; that may be because you unconsciously behave in ways that encourage othe..		abuse-recovery abusive-relationships mother parents	Terri Apter
f01bca3	As Freud noted: "A thing which has not been understood inevitably reappears; like an unlaid ghost, it cannot rest until the mystery has been resolved and the spell broken." . . . in ambivalent attachment, a mother vacillates inexplicably from being loving and tender to angry and threatening.. Faced with this unpredictable inconsistency, a child tries to appease the mother, anxious to control and monitor her shifting moods."		abuse-recovery anger anger-management attachment mother	Terri Apter
27a5436	a single outburst does not produce a difficult relational environment. It is only when a parent [or anyone] repeatedly and regularly uses anger to close conversations, in the broadest sense of 'conversation,' that a dilemma is framed. When a parent [or partner] uses anger or the threat of anger to dominate the emotional atmosphere, then even potentially good conversations with them lose spontaneity, openness and honesty.		anger attack domination emotional-abuse parents relationships spouses	Terri Apter
114ff5e	Robert reflects: I go weak at the knees when she turns against me. I forget what it's like to feel courage. I try to remind myself that the worst of it will pass, that she won't be like that forever. She's mad now, but there will come a time when she's not mad. When I was growing up, I tried all sorts of things to get me through these times. I used to think "It won't be so bad if she doesn't hit me." And then I got to noticing that whether ..		anger anger-management physical-abuse	Terri Apter

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