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eb53768 My personal savior is common sense. And as far as God goes, I prefer to believe in one that would want me to use the excellent brain he gave us all. religion Bill Maher
ec51145 Stop saying drug use makes people lazy. Jimi Hendrix did a lot of drugs, even though he's been dead for forty years, he's making new records. Suck on , Partnership for a Drug-Free America! music humor jimi-hendrix laziness productivity Bill Maher
85b09dd Isn't it time we asked ourselves, are we willing to accept any behavior codified within religious or cultural practice? Is there no line to be drawn? If honor killings are okay, then why not virgin sacrifices or cannibalism or sex with children outside the church? We have perversely taken our notion of tolerance to such extremes that we've become tolerant of intolerance. religion intolerance tolerance religious-extremism Bill Maher
563439e New Rule: If we want to find a place to cut government waste, we must start with the DEA rubber duck. Yes, on the DEA's website you can buy a rubber ducky with a DEA badge and a cop's hat. Which I recommend doing, because they're a great place to hide your weed. politics humor drugs Bill Maher
4d7f0c1 New Rule: Oil companies must stop with the advertisements implying they're friends of the environment. "At Exxon Mobil, we care about a thriving wildlife." Please--the only thing an oil executive has in common with a seagull is they'd both steal french fries from a baby." humor oil-industry Bill Maher
d83b867 New Rule: The sad mime at every protest has to give it a rest. One sign you're a major annoyance: when you haven't said anything and I want to tell you to shut the fuck up. protest Bill Maher
68c6bd9 Forget bringing the troops home from Iraq. We need to get the troops home from World War II. Can anybody tell me why, in 2009, we still have more than sixty thousand troops in Germany and thirty thousand in Japan? At some point, these people are going to have to learn to rape themselves. Our soldiers have been in Germany so long they now wear shorts with black socks. You know that crazy soldier hiding in the cave on Iwo Jima who doesn't kno.. troops soldiers Bill Maher
f2dda27 New Rule: Since Glenn Beck is clearly onto us, liberals must launch our plan for socialist domination immediately. Listen closely, comrades, I've received word from General Soros and our partners in the UN--Operation Streisand is a go. Markos Moulitsas, you and your -controlled army of gay Mexican day laborers will join with Michael Moore's Prius tank division north of Branson, where you will seize the guns of everyone who doesn't blame Am.. politics glenn-beck left-wing Bill Maher
89d29bf New Rule: People on reality shows have to quit saying, "You either love me or you hate me." There's actually a third option: not giving a shit about you." -- Bill Maher
595dfa3 It's not that we don't care--it's just that that we'd prefer not to get involved. involvement unwillingness Bill Maher
b668997 Brave Americans in past wars didn't die for the actual flag--they died for the freedom it represents, including the freedom to burn it. freedom burning-flags patriotism Bill Maher
e639d83 It's a funny thing about Americans, we love to bitch about paying too much for the things we really need and are really a bargain, like gas and postage stamps, but we willingly shell out outrageous amounts for unnecessary crap like gourmet coffee and soap to make your crotch smell good. Two dollars a gallon to go ten miles is too much, but five to the parking valet to go ten feet is okay. gas-prices perspective Bill Maher
2146d9c New Rule: You don't need a paper shredder. I've seen your mail--it's not that interesting. What are you worried about, that the magazine from the auto club might fall into the wrong hands? I hate to break it to you 007, but the Victoria's Secret catalog isn't actually a secret. privacy Bill Maher
0bc2e3f Since nobody reacts to car alarms anymore, stop putting alarms in cars. Face it. At this point, car alarms are like Glenn Beck: annoying, pointless, and everyone's finally learned to ignore them. When I hear one, my first thought is: "Please, God, I hope someone is stealing that car so they'll drive it away from my window." Bill Maher
af1bc5b New Rule: Whenever you think the Tea Party can't get any dumber, they get dumber. Now they're in love with Donald Trump. Because nothing says "We're serious about fiscal responsibility" quite like a billionaire whose corporations have filed for bankruptcy three times." humor Bill Maher
77b1d80 New Rule: Americans have to come up with a better cheese to represent the nation than American cheese. I'm not even sure American cheese is cheese. I think it's aged Jell-O. And it doesn't need to be individually wrapped in plastic, either. You're thinking of condoms. humor cheese food Bill Maher
467bdff We've been brainwashed into believing that it's a sin to discriminate. But discrimination doesn't mean racism; it means telling unlike things apart. Iowa grandpas and nine-year-old girls from Ohio are simply not looking to visit 'a painful chastisement upon the Western infidels. Bill Maher
6f97cef New Rule: America has every right ot bitch about gas prices suddenly shooting up. How could we have known? Oh, wait, there was that teensy, tiny thing about being warned constantly over the last forty years but still creating more urban sprawl, failing to build public transport, buying gas-guzzlers, and voting for oil company shills. So, New Rule: Shut the fuck up about gas prices. politics humor gas-guzzlers urban-sprawl gas gas-prices oil Bill Maher
2475477 New Rule: The Jacksons must trot out at least one family member who doesn't make us all ask, "What went on in that house?" jackson-family Bill Maher
673c34a New Rule: Stop hitting on women at the dog park. Yes, we're talking to you, divorced guy with a ponytail. That better be a Milk-Bone in your pocket, because we're not glad to see you. Women come to the park to exercise their dogs, not to socialize with hounds. They wouldn't pick you up if they had a plastic bag on their hand. Although if you're determined to meet a woman at the dog park, here's a tip: Get a dog. Bill Maher
45a82bb New Rule: Gun-control people have to stop pressuring Starbucks to ban guns. I want my gun nuts overcaffeinated, twitchy, and accident-prone. That way, the problem will take care of itself. Plus, if just one gun nut kills just one pseudo-intellectual writing a screenplay-slash-graphic-novel on his iPad, natural selection is doing its job. humor gun-control coffee guns Bill Maher
b6db25a New Rule: Churches have to stop ringing the damn bells. It was a good idea in the Middle Ages, but people have clocks now. It's not like you're doing us all a favor by keeping the hunchbacks off the street. Make up your mind, are you a house of worship or an ice cream truck? humor Bill Maher
30aacc0 New Rule: There's only one thing to say about the Christian Film and Television Commission giving me the Bigoted Bile Award and naming the number-one Most Unbearable Movie of 2008: Thank you! You hate me, you really hate me! hate religion humor religulous Bill Maher
e0ba810 New Rule: If you get to serve me a quarter-head of lettuce with dressing on it, which proves you have made a salad but chose not to, then I get to pay you with an ATM receipt, which proves I have the money but you're not getting any. Bill Maher
b3795d5 New Rule: A dog is the only animal that can get you laid. No offense, parrot guy, but it's not gonna happen. When women see you, they're not thinking, "I bet that guy is interesting," they're thinking, "That bird better not shit on my dress." -- Bill Maher
78aa26b New Rule: The Napa Valley is Disneyland for alcoholics. Be honest, you're not visiting wineries in four days because you're an oenophile, you're doing it because you're a drunk. It's the only place in America where you can pass out in a stranger's house and it's okay, because it's a B&B and you paid for it. humor napa-valley Bill Maher
5f1a341 New Rule: Instead of killing 99.9 percent of germs, Lysol has to just go ahead and kill them all. Why spare the remaining 0.1 percent? So they can return to their villages and tell the other germs, "Dude, do not mess with Lysol"?" humor Bill Maher
39bbd29 New Rule: Stop calling bagpipes a musical instrument. They're actually a Scottish Breathalyzer test. You blow into one end, and if the sound that comes out the other end doesn't make you want to kill yourself--you're not drunk enough. music humor Bill Maher
f99a191 And, corny as it may sound, I do cherish the bond between me and the audience, the minority that follows my stuff and always makes me glad it's us against the world. humor real-time-with-bill-maher cute Bill Maher
a10d419 New Rule: Bring back a little pubic hair. Not a lot, I'm not talking about reviving that 1973 look that said "I'm liberated" and "I'm smuggling a hedgehog."I just want a friendly, fuzzy calling card that's a middle ground between toddler smooth and "Dr. Livingston, I presume?" It's supposed to have hair on it. It's a pussy, not Dr. Evil's cat. Call me old school, but there's a name for a guy who needs it hair-free: He's called a pedophile.. Bill Maher
0264512 After September 11th, I never much liked the trend of everyone and his brother wearing the hats and jackets of the NYPD and FDNY. Only the people who do the job should get to wear the hat. Would you wear someone else's Medal of Honor? Yes, it's a tribute, and sincere tribute is always appropriate for these brave people. But wearing their symbols is also rubbing off a piece of heroism that isn't yours. heroes heroism america war-on-terror patriotism Bill Maher
fe47132 New Rule: From now on, duct tape must be called what it really is--murder tape. A search of the suspected Craigslist Killer's home yielded a firearm, restraints, and duct tape, or, as we call that here in Hollywood, Phil Spector's earthquake kit. Bill Maher
ea24053 We should stop worrying so much about the of gasoline and start considering its . You really want to be patriotic? Don't change your car by putting a flag on it, change the car. politics gas-prices war-on-terror patriotism Bill Maher
08842bc First of all understand that I get it. That there are millions and millions of women who are steely eyed realists. And millions and millions of men who are anything but. However. For lack of a better term I would say that the feminine values are the values of america : Sensitivity is more important than Truth. Feelings are more important than Facts. Commitment is more important than Individuality. Children are more important than People. Sa.. truth-telling marriage feminism truth marriage-humor married-men mens-rights the-red-pill culture masculinity femininity Bill Maher
a290de2 Faced with our addiction to oil, what does our leadership say? Get more of it! Strange when you consider their answer to dependence is to cut off the supply. politics gas-prices analogy dependence oil drugs Bill Maher
b0fd7fe America is bad at discriminating between danger likely to strike again, and red herrings, the freaking helpings of disaster that no man or plan can prevent. humor Bill Maher
4dd3a58 Of course, we in the West like to pat ourselves on the back and say we're more tolerant, and we are--but tolerance is not the same thing as acceptance. It just means, "We think you're crazy and going to hell, but we won't kill you for it--we'll you. But you don't know who the Man in the Sky is, and we do." religion humor religious-tolerance tolerance Bill Maher
604e1a3 New Rule: Democrats must get in touch with their inner asshole. I refer to the case of Van Jones, the man the Obama administration hired to find jobs for Americans in the new green industries. Seems like a smart thing to do in a recession, but Van Jones got fired because he got caught on tape saying Republicans are assholes. And they call it news! Now, I know I'm supposed to be all reinjected with yes-we-can-fever after the big health-care.. politics Bill Maher
82b00e4 New Rule: The person who sat in my seat on the flight before me and could not finish the magazine crossword puzzle has to be ashamed of themselves. I don't know who you are, but "Desperate _____wives"? Nothing? A three-letter word for "Writing utensil, you're holding it in your hand." Here's one more for you: Four letters, begins with a , something you shouldn't be allowed to do this November." Bill Maher
1eb51c8 New Rule: Don't name your kid after a ballpark. Cubs fans Paul and Teri Fields have named their newborn son Wrigley. Wrigley Fields. A child is supposed to be an independent individual, not a means of touting your own personal hobbies. At least that's what I've always taught my kids, Panama Red and Jacuzzi. names humor bad-decisions baseball chicago chicago-cubs naming sports-fans parenting parents children sports Bill Maher
9735e48 When the enemy gets to your citadel, your prided epicenter, everything's in play. pentagon war-on-terror Bill Maher
dbccec4 Bloodless revolutions are rare. Bill Maher
21502fd New Rule: If the guy who makes up the poll questions at CNN doesn't want to do it anymore more, he should just quit. This is an actual recent poll question: "Would you like to live on the moon?" And the shocking results: No, as it turns out, we would not like to live on the moon. This is the cable news equivalent of being in a dead-end relationship with an idiot. "What are you thinking?" "I dunno, honey, I guess I was just wondering how man.. Bill Maher
7fb8911 Of course, when you shut off your brain from rational analysis, book is dangerous. Taking literally ancient parables from thousands of years ago is much more dangerous than playing with a loaded gun. Ancient scrawls, written by different authors in different centuries with different agendas--yeah, let's get mad literal about . The literalness problem is compounded in religion by the circular logic of not being allowed to question anyth.. religion humor biblical-literalism literalism rationality logic Bill Maher
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