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9b709a6 New Rule: The White House doesn't have to release the dead Bin Laden photos, but don't pretend we can't take it. We've seen pictures of Britney Spears's vagina getting out of a car. Television has desensitizes us to violence, and porn has desensitized us to people getting shot in the eye. violence humor osama-bin-laden porn culture Bill Maher
dd1660d A diamond may be forever, but terrorism, promiscuously funded, will be too. Let's make the connection clearly by tracing the path of the diamond. Diamonds start out in the earth, and eventually that earth is part of a country, like Sierra Leone, Angola, or the Democratic Republic of Congo. In those countries, desperate battles for control have been going on for decades, and the armies that fight the battles finance their ambitions with di.. women humor war-on-terror Bill Maher
b05355d But females in even the most advanced Muslim countries are simply, by law, not the equal of men. feminism women Bill Maher
beba58c New Rule: Getting up close and personal with sharks doesn't make you a wildlife enthusiast--it makes you dinner. An Austrian tourist wanted to get "face-to-face" with sharks, so he went diving in waters baited with bloody fish parts. And he got ate. A friend was asked to describe the man. He needed only two words: "Good chum." sharks jokes Bill Maher
fb02438 New Rule: Stop putting psychedelic screensavers on computers. I sit down to check my e-mail, and the next thing I know it's three days later, I'm in the desert, I'm banging on a drum, I'm naked, and somebody's pierced my dick. humor technology Bill Maher
3930d89 New Rule: Stop leaving couches on the sidewalk. Besides being lazy and ugly, it's animal cruelty. You teach your dog not to pee on the couch, and then when you take him to the place he's supposed to pee, there's a couch. humor pets Bill Maher
203e6a6 New Rule: Designers of women's Halloween costumes must admit that they're not even trying. They just choose a random profession, like nurse or referee, and put the word "sexy" in front of it, thereby perpetuating the idea of Halloween as a day when normally shy women release their inner sluts and parade around like vixens, and I just completely forgot what I was complaining about." humor Bill Maher
143cbe7 New Rule: Let the Pope be Pope. An animal-rights group in Italy has asked Pope Benedict to give up his fur-trimmed cape and hat. To which the Pope replied, "Don't be hatin' on my cape, bitch." Sorry, but Popes are the original divas, they invented bling, they've been wearing outlandish outfits for a thousand years--almost as long as Elton John. The clothes, the jewels, the fancy palace...Those aren't just symbols of the Papacy, they are the.. religion humor Bill Maher
e138ca2 The real axis of evil in America is the genius of our marketing and the gullibility of our people. business consumption corporations marketing Bill Maher
0a58279 We convince ourselves that even our shameless waste, our unchecked consumption and our appalling ignorance of anyplace in the world except our own little corner must continue-- ! No, when you become smarter and less gluttonous, win. We win! politics consumption war-on-terror ignorance waste Bill Maher
72855a7 We were asked to do very little, and we responded. That's the bargain we tacitly make with our presidents: we won't ask too much of you, if you don't ask too much of us. unwilling war-on-terror patriotism Bill Maher
58b0efd New Rule: You can't put a windmill in your campaign ad if you voted against every single bill that might lead to someone building one. As long as you're sending a camera crew to a farm, why not just take a picture of actual bullshit? politics Bill Maher
95f362b We've been brainwashed into believing that it's a sin to discriminate. But discrimination doesn't mean racism; it means telling unlike things apart. racism Bill Maher
598b9ac New Rule: Instead of using their $10 billion atom-smashing Large Hadron Collider to re-create the Big Bang by melting atom parts in temperatures a million times hotter than the sun, scientists should do that. I'm just sayin' it sounds dangerous. I'm as interested as the next guy in determining the origin of matter, but first couldn't we solve some simple mystery, like why some-detector batteries always die at four a.m.? science humor large-hadron-collider Bill Maher
35f8d6f New Rule: Coal companies have to stop calling coal "energy." That's like a lumber company calling wood "fire." Or Budweiser calling beer "urine." Okay, that one kind of makes sense." Bill Maher
d5964c3 New Rule: You can't bum-rush the president for autographs after he just lectured you for an hour about how you have to grow up. Have some dignity, for Christ's sake. He's your coworker, not Hannah Montana. If you're this crazy about him now, what are you going to do if he turns the country around, ask him to sign your tit? Bill Maher
0c9e733 New Rule: If one of your news organization's headlines is about who got kicked off last night, you're no longer a news organization. Sort of like, if you were on last night, you're no longer a star. Bill Maher
135f202 Claiming "the budget can't allow it" reminds me of when you walk into a restaurant at a civilized hour like ten o'clock and they say "the kitchen is closed." For years I would hear this, and think, "damn, just a little too late, oh well, thank you, I guess it's Denny's again." And then one day it hit me: kitchens don't . Just as at home, at a certain point in the night, I stop the kitchen--but at three in the morning, if I want to, I s.. humor budget budget-cuts budgeting analogy economy possible impossible Bill Maher
fe19ab2 We are oblivious to suffering. We are cheap with charity if it's not close to our home. suffering charity Bill Maher
b57ce93 For months in the fall of 2001, our highways looked like a county fair on wheels. "Look out, Al-Qaeda---patriot on board!" I once saw a guy with five flags tell a guy with four flags to go back to Afghanistan." humor war-on-terror patriotism Bill Maher
11683ec Too many in America lead with their emotions when it comes to the flag, becoming illogically protective.Hell, the British treat national symbol, the Royal Family, way worse, and they're ! american-flag national-symbol patriotism Bill Maher
c0e3b45 True patriotism is doing something for your country. Bill Maher
44f82cc We preach about capitalism and the beauty of unfettered market forces determining price--but not when it comes to gas. When it comes to gas, we need it cheap, and the president had better get it for us, or else, we don't care how. politics gas-prices free-market Bill Maher
8ea4068 New Rule: While you're telling me how your March Madness bracket is doing, you must also fill me in on your vacation and show me pictures of your kids. That way, I can not give a shit all at once. Bill Maher
79a23ab Sticking one's head in the sand is a deep human impulse. Like when you feel some kind of bump or growth on the back of your neck, and your heart jumps, because, Christ, that could be something bad, I should see a doctor right away. But then you don't, because it's too scary, and what if they do find something, and...and besides: ! ignorance Bill Maher
612b557 I don't respect thinking that is dangerous, prejudicial, childish, and could get me killed. ignorance Bill Maher
60a3c77 The point is, a leader does what he thinks is right, not what he thinks the popular thing is. leading popularity Bill Maher
ec88866 If you send more than one news van to cover , then you have to change your name from to ? news Bill Maher
aa82d67 Instead of using the expression "It is what it is," just shut up." -- Bill Maher
40e4337 First of all understand that I get it. That there are millions and millions of women who are steely eyed realists. And millions and millions of men who are anything but. However. For lack of a better term I would say that the feminine values are the values of america : Sensitivity is more important than Truth. Feeling are more important than Facts. Commitment is more important than Individuality. Children are more important than People. Saf.. truth-telling marriage feminism truth marriage-humor married-men mens-rights the-red-pill culture masculinity femininity Bill Maher
41ce2e2 Just like in the workplace, women who are good workers are the best workers. women Bill Maher
a831e66 In America, there's no idea so patently absurd that it can't catch on. Bill Maher
f217da5 New Rule: Conservatives have to stop complaining about Hollywood values. It's Oscar time again, which means two things: (1) I've got to get waxed, and (2) talk-radio hosts and conservative columnists will trot out their annual complaints about Hollywood: We're too liberal; we're out of touch with the Heartland; our facial muscles have been deadened with chicken botulism; and we make them feel fat. To these people, I say: Shut up and eat you.. politics humor Bill Maher
41b0770 Prop 87 out here in California is about lessening our dependence on oil by using alternative fuels, and Bill Clinton comes on at the end of the ad and says, "If Brazil can do it, America can, too!" Since when did America have to buck itself up by saying we could catch up to Brazil? We invented the airplane and the lightbulb, they invented the bikini wax, and now they're ahead?" Bill Maher
99871f7 say that evil happens when good men do nothing. And the Democrats prove it also happens when mediocre people do nothing. Bill Maher
8162c56 If somebody asks if you tweeted your penis and your answer is anything other than "No," you tweeted your penis." twitter Bill Maher
71d3825 New Rule: Stop talking about "the gas prices under Obama." As if he's the guy out there changing the numbers on the sign with that long pole. And while they're at the gas station, Republicans who still think human activity doesn't affect air quality should poke their heads in the men's room." humor gas gas-prices oil obama Bill Maher
d083f4a New Rule: Apple's next device must be a computer that you control with your tongue. Thanks for eliminating the keyboard and the mouse, but pointing and pushing at things already seems too complicated and tiring. We're Americans--and until you free our hands from the computer entirely, we can never attain our ultimate goal: Web surfing while eating and masturbating. humor laziness technology Bill Maher
a9bb942 New Rule: It's okay for the president to play ball in the house. It's easy to judge and say this scene detracts from the dignity of the White House--until you consider the end zone is between Clinton's semen stain and where Bush OD'd on a pretzel. politics Bill Maher
3529fca Work in the fields? Senator, I'm a house nigga. Bill Maher
429f4c7 Selling pot allowed me to get through college and make enough money to start off in comedy. Bill Maher
ee8502c The Bible looks like it started out as a game of Mad Libs. Bill Maher
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