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eb53c8c
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Our goal will be to have relationships with both men and women that do not operate at the expense of the self, and to have a self that does not operate at the expense of the other.
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Harriet Lerner |
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a72de62
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We may believe that anxiety and fear don't concern us because we avoid experiencing them. We may keep the scope of our lives narrow and familiar, opting for sameness and safety. We may not even know that we are scared of success, failure, rejection, criticism, conflict, competition, intimacy, or adventure, because we rarely test the limits of our competence and creativity. We avoid anxiety by avoiding risk and change. Our challenge: To be w..
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brave
fear
guilt
psychology
self-improvement
shame
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Harriet Lerner |
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98ae524
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Having and authentic voice means that: - We can openly share competence as well as problems and vulnerability. - We can warm things up and calm them down. - We can listen and ask questions that allow us to truly know the other person and to gather information about anything that may affect us. - We can say what we think and feel, state differences, and allow the other person to do the same. - We can define our values, convictions, principle..
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clarity
communication
convictions
differences
relationship
values
vulnerable
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Harriet Lerner Ph.D. |
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8cc67b2
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The challenge in all intimate relationships is to preserve both the "I" and the "we" without losing either when the going gets tough. If we're faced with a choice, we need to choose speech over silence, keep our behavior in line with our stated values and beliefs--and save ourselves first."
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Harriet Lerner |
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what fuels human unhappiness in both the personal and political realm can be boiled down to these three key emotions--anxiety, fear, and shame.
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Harriet Lerner |
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6342eac
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A marital therapist recently teased me, "Are you writing another book to help women speak up? I'm trying to help my clients be quiet." Then she said more seriously, "Why do people think they have to tell each other everything they feel?"
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Harriet Lerner |
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c9a0475
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Nothing, but nothing, will block the awareness of anger so effectively as guilt and self-doubt. Our society cultivates guilt feelings in women such that many of us still feel guilty if we are anything less than an emotional service station to others.
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Harriet Lerner |
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87a79cd
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venting anger does not solve the problem that anger signals.
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Harriet Lerner |
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5487e34
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Nereden baslarsaniz baslayin ve kendinize nasil bir yol secerseniz secin, asagida verilen bazi yap ve yapma kurallarini ofkelenmeye basladiginizda mutlaka hatirlayin: 1. Konu sizin icin onemliyse, mutlaka konusun. Karsimiza cikan tum adaletsizlikleri ve sikintilari sahsen ele almamiz tabii ki gerekmez. Bazi seyleri gozardi etmek, olgunluk belirtisidir. Ama bunun bedeli kendimizi ofkeli, sikintili ya da mutsuz hissetmeniz olacaksa, sessiz k..
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Harriet Lerner |
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fc33bf5
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Ofkemizle yaptigimiz sey istenen sonucu saglamiyorsa, en mantiklisi baska bir sey denemektir.
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Harriet Lerner |
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da93473
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NOT EVERYTHING IS FORGIVABLE Accepting an apology doesn't always mean reconciliation. The best apology in the world can't restore every connection. The words "I'm sorry" may be absurdly inadequate even if sincerely offered. Sometimes the foundation of trust on which a relationship was built cannot be repaired. We may never want to see the person who hurt us again. We can still accept the apology."
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Harriet Lerner |
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c0d2232
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Control is an illusion--a fact you will learn very fast if you become ill, or have things fall apart in some other way. When we understand vulnerability and suffering as an essential part of being human, our individual fate can be easier to manage.
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vulnerability
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Harriet Lerner |
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12751cf
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working on key emotional issues at their source, lays the groundwork for more solid intimate relationships in the present or future.
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Harriet Lerner |
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00191b5
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I've seen any number of devastated men in therapy who tell me their wives left them out of the blue. The women, however, claim to have voiced their anger and discontent for a long time. Both are right; he hasn't listened well enough; she hasn't shared her thoughts about leaving clearly enough or early enough in the process. Often one person doesn't make a serious issue of divorce until she's finally made up her mind to leave. Any changes he..
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Harriet Lerner |
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c188f7e
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I feel calmed and relieved when my husband knocks at my study door in the middle of a fight, puts his arms around me, and says, "I love you. This is stupid. Let's just drop it." Like two kids in the sandbox, we're suddenly light and playful again."
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Harriet Lerner |
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0201b1e
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experience of our self and the other person becomes fixed and small. My goal is to challenge us to engage in novel conversations that will create a larger, more empowering view of who we are and what is truly possible.
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Harriet Lerner |
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7f2dee6
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All of us are vulnerable to intense, non-productive angry reactions in our current relationships if we do not deal openly and directly with emotional issues from our first family--in particular, losses and cutoffs. If we do not observe and understand how our triangles operate, our anger can keep us stuck in the past, rather than serving as an incentive and guide to form more productive relationship patterns for the future.
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Harriet Lerner |
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a3f0655
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Nu esti o persoana mai putin iubitoare sau incompleta, daca iti raman anumite lucruri pe care nu le poti ierta si daca iti doresti ca pe anumite persoane sa nu le mai intalnesti vreodata-n viata. Poate ca devii un om mai puternic si mai curajos, daca ai ceva manie reziduala (fie ca provine dintr-o mare tradare, fie din numeroase neplaceri mici) si, in ciuda ei, reusesti sa-ti vezi de viata ta. Mai important ca orice, nu e treaba nimanui - ..
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Harriet Lerner |
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Many of the stories we take to be true or fixed about ourselves can change dramatically when we have conversations with people who make our world larger, not smaller. By doing our part to develop rather than diminish our voice, we can: - Create a more accurate and complex picture of ourselves and another person. - Speak with honor and personal integrity even when the other person behaves badly. - Strengthen our capacity for creativity, wis..
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creativity
integrity
intimacy
love
strength
voice
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Harriet Lerner Ph.D. |