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1db4e19
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even though [my psychiatrist] understood mor than anyone how much I felt I was losing--in energy, vivacity, and originality--by taking medication, he never was seduced into losing sight of the overall perspective of how costly, damaging, and life threatening my illness was. He was at ease with ambiguity, had a comfort with complexity, and was able to be decisive in the midst of chaos and uncertainty. He treated me with respect, a decisive p..
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Kay Redfield Jamison |
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4cfdb5b
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Reading, which had been at the heart of my intellectual and emotional existence, was suddenly beyond my grasp. I was used to reading three or four books a week; now it was impossible. I did not read a serious work of literature or nonfiction, cover to cover, for more than ten years. The frustration and pain of this were immeasurable.
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Kay Redfield Jamison |
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1a5f905
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mn lmz`j 'Hynan rw'y@ lmsh`r w lslwkyt lqwy@ w lm`qd@ ytm khtzlh fy `brt tshkhySy@ hmd@ w blyd@.
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Kay Redfield Jamison |
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1588ee6
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He was not, it was clear, going to gaze meaningfully into my eyes over long dinners and fine wines, nor discuss literature and music over late-night coffee and port... Yet not once in the years we have been together have I doubted Richard's love for me, nor mine for him. Love, like life, is much stranger and far more complicated than one is brought up to believe.
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Kay Redfield Jamison |
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011df35
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lower dose, which, like the building codes in California that are designed to prevent damage from earthquakes, allowed my mind and emotions to sway a bit.
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Kay Redfield Jamison |
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5e3b089
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We all build internal sea walls to keep at bay the sadness of life and the often overwhelming forces within our minds. In whatever way we do this--through love, work, family, faith, friends, denial, alcohol, drugs, or medication--we guild these walls, stone by stone, over a lifetime. One of the most difficult problems is to construct these barriers of such a height and strength that one has a true harbor, a sanctuary away from crippling tur..
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Kay Redfield Jamison |
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b0f10ea
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bd't 'stmt` blmwsyq~ w lrswmt mjddan , bd't 'DHk mjddan , bd't 'ktb lsh`r mjddan. lylin Twyl@un w SbHt mbkr@ mn l`wTf lry'`@ j`ltny '`yd l`tqd, 'w 'tdhkr 'hmy@ lHss b'n '`ysh l'Hb w 'n 'Hb l'`ysh .
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Kay Redfield Jamison |
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bf279bb
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lzmn s`dny `l~ lnsyn, w lknh bmrr@in rhyb@ 'khdh wqth mn 'jl dhlk .
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Kay Redfield Jamison |
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71cb3d3
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lqd stGrq l'mr sn@an kml@ fy njltr lj`ly 'drk 'nny knt fym mD~ 'mshy `l~ lm mktfy@an bmjrd mHwl@ lbq `l~ qyd lHy@ w tjnb l'lm bdlan mn lndmj lHqyqy fy lHy@.
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Kay Redfield Jamison |
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00f5fde
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fDwly w mzjy 'khdhny l~ 'mkn lm 'kn qdr@an `l~ wSwlh bmsh`ry .
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Kay Redfield Jamison |
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bf55326
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Mood disorders , in addition to exhibiting seasonal patterns, frequently show pronounced diurnal rhythms as well.
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Kay Redfield Jamison |
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026174d
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and increased energy)
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Kay Redfield Jamison |
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fac3d7f
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Her version of Lowell was not theirs, even when they were discussing the same symptoms; what to her was "mad" was to them another mark of Lowell's genius."
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Kay Redfield Jamison |
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759ff9e
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posthumous Piano Sonata in B-flat, D. 960. Its haunting,
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Kay Redfield Jamison |
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847105d
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be sure," wrote Hugo Wolf, "I appear at times merry and in good heart, talk, too, before others quite reasonably, and it looks as if I felt, too, God knows how well within my skin. Yet the soul maintains its deathly sleep and the heart bleeds from a thousand wounds."
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Kay Redfield Jamison |
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c28d75d
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ndm bd't 'sh`r bnfsy mjddan lm 'kn `l~ st`dd 'n 'khTr bkhsr@ lmzyd mn lwqt mthlm sbq. lHy@ lm t`d tstHq 'n 'khsrh .
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Kay Redfield Jamison |
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a82b37b
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lqd knt l'shy lGby@, w lmtfy'l@ by's, w lmtwD`@ lty lm yqlh, hy lty j`ltny `l~ qyd lHy@.
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Kay Redfield Jamison |
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104af7a
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But, as I well knew, an understanding at an abstract level does not necessarily translate into an understanding at a day-to-day level. I have become fundamentally and deeply skeptical that anyone who does not have this illness can truly understand it.
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Kay Redfield Jamison |
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562b5d3
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When I am high I couldn't worry about money if I tried. So I don't. The money will come from somewhere; I am entitled; God will provide. Credit cards are disastrous, personal checks worse. Unfortunately, for manics anyway, mania is a natural extension of the economy. What with credit cards and bank accounts there is little beyond reach....During one spree in London I spent several hundred pounds on books having titles or covers that somehow..
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Kay Redfield Jamison |
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da178ef
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What in the hell are you doing running around the parking lot at this hour?" he asked. A not unreasonable question."
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Kay Redfield Jamison |
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a8526fa
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freedom from the control imposed by medication loses its meaning when the only alternatives are death and insanity.
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Kay Redfield Jamison |
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180b8ac
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Manic-depression distorts moods and thoughts, incites dreadful behaviors, destroys the basis of rational thought, and too often erodes the desire and will to live. It is an illness that is biological in its origins, yet one that feels psychological in the experience of it; an illness that is unique in conferring advantage and pleasure, yet one that brings in its wake almost unendurable suffering and, not infrequently, suicide.
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Kay Redfield Jamison |
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6019b70
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Ironically, it is usually the doctors who are the most competent and conscientious who feel the most sense of failure and pain.
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Kay Redfield Jamison |
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2390449
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On occasion, these periods of total despair would be made even worse by terrible agitation. My mind would race from subject to subject, but instead of being filled with the exuberant and cosmic thoughts that had been associated with earlier periods of rapid thinking, it would be drenched in awful sounds and images of decay and dying: dead bodies on the beach, charred remains of animals, toe-tagged corpses in morgues. During these agitated p..
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Kay Redfield Jamison |
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7bf335d
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lqd kuntu mlyy'@ b'lfi nwb@i bthj 'w y's klH .
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Kay Redfield Jamison |
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b41e103
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It is devastating to have the illness and aggravating to have to pay for medications, blood tests, and psychotherapy. They, at least, are partially deductible. But money spent while manic doesn't fit into the Internal Revenue Service concept of medical expense or business loss. So after mania, when most depressed, you're given excellent reason to be even more so.
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Kay Redfield Jamison |
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a547dd6
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It was like going on an archaeological dig through earlier ages of one's mind. There was a bill from a taxidermist in The Plains, Virginia, for example, for a stuffed fox that I for some reason had felt I desperately needed.
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Kay Redfield Jamison |
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7cee5f9
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Decreased sleep is both a symptom of mania and a cause, but I didn't know that at the time, and it probably would not have made any difference to me if I had.
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Kay Redfield Jamison |
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3f5af19
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ljm`@ blnsb@ l'kthr lns ldhyn `rfthm knt 'fDl snwt Hythm, lm ykn dhlk hw lHl m`y. ljm`@ fy m`Zmh blnsb@ ly knt kfHan fDy`an , w kwbys mtkrr@ mn l'mzj@ l`nyf@ w lmufz`@, ttnwb lmd@ 'sby` w 'Hynan 'shhr , m` mrHin Skhb w `kf@ mtWqd@, w Hms shdyd, w jwlt Twyl@ mn l`ml lshq w lkn lmmt`.
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Kay Redfield Jamison |
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3f76b6d
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For several weeks, I drank vodka in my orange juice before setting off for school in the mornings, and I thought obsessively about killing myself.
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Kay Redfield Jamison |
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8b23446
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But then as night inevitably goes after the day, my mood would crash, and my mind again would grind to a halt.
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Kay Redfield Jamison |
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6dfa0f5
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Eventually, the depression went away of its own accord, but only long enough for it to regroup and mobilize for the next attack.
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Kay Redfield Jamison |
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ca49b0d
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My mind was flying high that day, courtesy of whatever witches' brew of neurotransmitters God had programmed into my genes, and I filled page after page with what I am sure, thinking back on it, were very strange responses.
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Kay Redfield Jamison |
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eee6cfe
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It goes on and on, and finally there are only others' recollections of your behavior--your bizarre, frenetic, aimless behaviors--for mania has at least some grace in partially obliterating memories.
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Kay Redfield Jamison |
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6f5e362
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I did not wake up one day to find myself mad. Life should be so simple.
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Kay Redfield Jamison |
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3ee1f44
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Having heard so often, and so believably, John Donne's bell tolling softly that "Thou must die," one turns more sharply to life, with an immediacy and appreciation that would not otherwise exist."
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Kay Redfield Jamison |
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440620e
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n lmr ykhrj dy'man mn hdhh ltjry bHss yHyTh bSwr@in 'kbr `n mhy@ lmwt w lHy@.
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Kay Redfield Jamison |
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df8b79e
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lHub k`ml mw'zr, w lHub k`nSr mjdd, w lHb k'd@ llHmy@. b`d kl m bd 'nh mwt fy `qly 'w qlby , `d lHb ly`yd khlq l'ml w ystrd lHy@.
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Kay Redfield Jamison |
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616edf8
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He was low-key, I was intense; things that cut me to the quick he was able to sail by with scarcely a notice; he was slow to anger, I quick; the world registered gently upon him, sometimes not at all, whereas I was fast to feel both pleasure and pain.
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Kay Redfield Jamison |
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2f7618b
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Within psychiatric circles, if you kill yourself, you earn the right to be considered a "successful" suicide. This is a success one can live without."
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Kay Redfield Jamison |
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6ca3471
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There were, however, definite advantages to studying invertebrate zoology. For starters, unlike in psychology, you could eat your subjects. The lobsters--fresh from the sea and delicious--were especially popular.
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Kay Redfield Jamison |
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72c09d1
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Even in my blackest depressions, I never regretted having been born. It is true that I had wanted to die, but that is peculiarly different from regretting having been born.
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suicide
suicidal-thoughts
mental-illness
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Kay Redfield Jamison |
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df8fa81
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when I was told either to lower my sights or to rein in my enthusiasms
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Kay Redfield Jamison |
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81520f7
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Yet however genuinely dreadful these moods and memories have been, they have always been offset by the elation and vitality of others; and whenever a mild and gentlish wave of brilliant and bubbling manic enthusiasm comes over me, I am transported by its exuberance--as surely as one is transported by a pungent scent into a world of profound recollection--to earlier, more intense and passionate times.
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Kay Redfield Jamison |