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96ceca1
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Craig, where are you?" It's funny how people ask that as soon as they get you on the phone. I think it's a byproduct of cell phones: people--girls and moms especially--want to nail you down in physical space. The fact is that you could be anywhere on a cell phone and it shouldn't be important where you are. But it becomes the first thing people ask."
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Ned Vizzini |
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7f9371d
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I was never big on rage" "Why?" "It's so much more angry in my head than it could ever be outside." ."
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Ned Vizzini |
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5f68485
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I was still getting 93's, but what the hell, someone had to get them.
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Ned Vizzini |
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759c0f0
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And you shouldn't assume that everything is always about you.
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Ned Vizzini |
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e4a967e
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Math. Are you able to turn off your mind to the world and fill it with symbols that follow rules?
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Ned Vizzini |
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6003e16
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Nia, it wasn't about you." "Are you sure?" I look down, and the answer is right there in my chest and it's resounding. "Yes. I have bigger problems than you."
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Ned Vizzini |
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dacaf9e
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How could I ask for "horse" with a straight face? And, if I were doing heroin, then I'd be a depressed teenager on heroin. I didn't need to be that cliche."
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Ned Vizzini |
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2c7232f
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Something deep in my guts, below my heart, has made a shift to the left and settled in a more comfortable place. It's not the Shift, but it's a shift. I picture Nia with her gorgeous face and little body and black hair and pouty lips and Aaron's hands all over her but also with her pot smoking and the pimples on her forehead and making fun of people all the time and the way she's always so proud of how she's dressed. And I picture her fadin..
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Ned Vizzini |
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8da06ed
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I picked Ember. After I started working with Mortin.' 'Why?' 'Because embers turn into flames.
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Ned Vizzini |
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0a3953a
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found myself jealous of the people who wrote the books. They were dead and they were still taking up my time. Who did they think they were?
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Ned Vizzini |
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d8fe1d5
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The people are Anchors," I say. "People don't make good Anchors, though, Craig. They change. The people here are going to change. The patients are going to leave. You can't rely on them."
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Ned Vizzini |
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70f0baa
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Up next is Noelle. 'Hey, girl!' 'Don't you dare start calling me that. This is very nice of you to do.
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Ned Vizzini |
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072cbd8
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It started with blogs; now, through social media, anyone who is active on the internet creates a digital projection of themselves for public consumption. We are all stars, all heroes in our own online productions. What does this do for our authenticity? It destroys it.
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Ned Vizzini |
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e35cc59
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But, um, I kind of wondered if I could have your phone number, so I can call you when we're out of here.' She smiles and her cuts outline her face like a cat's whispers. 'Crafty.' 'I am a guy,' I say. 'And I hate boys,' she says. 'But a guy's different,' I say. 'Maybe a little,' she says.
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Ned Vizzini |
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31b7efe
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I'm asking for simplicity, for purity and ease of choice and no pressure. I'm asking for something that no politics is going to provide, something that probably you only get in preschool.
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Ned Vizzini |
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633217b
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It's just... a possibility, like it's a possibility that I could turn to dust in the next instant and be disseminated throughout the universe as an omniscient consciousness. It's not a very likely possibility.
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Ned Vizzini |
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fc91eca
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Giving my brain up. That's what's important.
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Ned Vizzini |
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d8161b8
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And what is that nightmare, Craig?" "Life" "Life is a nightmare" "Yes"
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Ned Vizzini |
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c28d1f7
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I work, Monica, and I think about work, and I freak out about work, and I think about how much I think about work, and I freak out about how much I think about how much I think about work, and I think about how freaked out I get about how much I think about how much I think about work. Does that count as a hobby?
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Ned Vizzini |
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f46621f
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I'm not afraid of dying; I'm afraid of living.
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Ned Vizzini |
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88b927b
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Because if you keep living like this you'll die.
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Ned Vizzini |
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8b5e1ae
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They take away your options and all you can do is live, and it's just like Humble said: I'm not afraid of dying; I'm afraid of living. I was afraid before, but I'm afraid even more now that I'm a public joke.
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Ned Vizzini |
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2cc12f9
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her cheeks a slight Asian red;
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Ned Vizzini |
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a70f508
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Well, there are lot of people who make a lot of money off the fifth- and sixth-life crises. All of a sudden they have a ton of consumers scared out of their minds and willing to buy facial cream, designer jeans, SAT test prep courses, condoms, cars, scooters, self-help books, watches, wallets, stocks, whatever...all the crap that the twenty-somethings used to buy, they now have the ten-somethings buying. They doubled their market!
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Ned Vizzini |
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2b70130
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Yes. Now, you might not want to become so friendly with your fellow patients on the floor." "Why not?" "That can distract people from the healing process." "How?" "This is a hospital. It's not a place to make friends. Friends are wonderful, but this place is about you and making you feel better." "But..." I fidget. "I respect Humble. I respect Bobby. I have more respect for them after a day and a half than I do for most people...in the worl..
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Ned Vizzini |
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e733410
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You don't want any of your Anchors being members of the opposite sex you're attracted to," Dr. Minerva says. "Relationships change even more than people. It's like two people changing. It's exponentially more volatile. Especially two teenagers."
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Ned Vizzini |
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c0b502a
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I thought you were interesting. Why did you do what it said?" "I..." I can't think up a fake answer quickly enough. "I'm a straight guy, you know. So if a girl talks to me or whatever, I'll do exactly what she says." Wait, now: make it a compliment. "Especially if it's a pretty girl." I smile."
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Ned Vizzini |
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409c02b
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The mother I'm completely over but the daughter I love to death. The mother I'd like to love to death." "Heh." "Don't do me any favors; only laugh if it's funny." "It is!"
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Ned Vizzini |
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cb5645f
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A guy from Bear Stearns had visited our class, thin and bald with a gold watch. He told us that if we were interested in getting into finance, we had better work hard and smart because a lot of machines were able to make investment decisions now, and in the future, computer programs would run everything.
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Ned Vizzini |
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fa1d3a1
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He asked the class how many of us were taking computer science, and everybody but me and this one girl who didn't speak English raised their hands.
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Ned Vizzini |
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87000d4
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Great, excellent," the guy had said. "You other people are out of a job! Heh heh. Learn comp sci."
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Ned Vizzini |
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2e2f9e7
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Once the music starts he goes right into the Jimmy-verse, banging against his washboard and letting it all hang out in a piercing falsetto that's surprisingly on key. The thing is, he doesn't sing "I Shot the Sheriff." He sings only one phrase: "How sweet it is!"
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Ned Vizzini |
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c86da22
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I know that you're not supposed to think about dancing--what is that stupid expression, Sing like no one's listening, dance like no one's watching?--whatever.
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Ned Vizzini |
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623e61c
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I knew too, but I didn't like to think about that. Maybe it was stupid and solipsistic, but I liked to think about me. I didn't want to be part of some trend. I wasn't doing this for a fashion statement.
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Ned Vizzini |
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d32f57e
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Ski. Sled. Play basketball. Jog. Run. Run. Run. Run home. Run home and enjoy.
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Ned Vizzini |
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f6fc49d
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You deserve them because you chose them.
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Ned Vizzini |
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1d9e953
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Neil says, and he shakes my hand in that way that people do in here to remind themselves that you're the patient and they're the doctor/ volunteer/employee. They like you, and they genuinely want you to do better, but when they shake your hand you feel that distance, that slight disconnect because they know that you're still broken somewhere, that you might snap at any moment.
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Ned Vizzini |
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fcb4d2d
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There's so much more for me to be doing. I should be a success and I'm not and other people--younger people-- are. Younger people than me are on TV and getting paid and winning scholarships and getting their lives in order. I'm still a nobody. When am I going to not be a nobody?
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Ned Vizzini |
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9075712
|
We look into each other's eyes as we shake hands. His are full of death and horror, but in them I see my face reflected, and inside my tiny eyes inside his, I think I see some hope.
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Ned Vizzini |
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0da6e7d
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I used to like the foods that come in abstract shapes: chicken nuggets, Fruit Roll-Ups, hot dogs.
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Ned Vizzini |
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d8fa332
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Now put down only what you actually had to do in the event." "What I had to do?" "Right. Because there are no such things as shoulds and woulds in the universe." "There aren't?" I'm starting to suspect Keith a bit. For someone in Anxiety Management, he's giving me an exercise that is fairly confusing and anxiety-provoking. "No," he says. "There are only things that could have turned out differently. You don't have any shoulds or woulds in y..
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Ned Vizzini |
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04348f5
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People are screwed up in this world. I'd rather be with someone screwed up and open about it than somebody perfect and...you know...ready to explode.
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Ned Vizzini |
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ec239cd
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This is another trick of shrinks. They never let you stop in midthought. If you open your mouth, they want to know exactly what you had the intention of saying. The party line is that some of the most profound truths about us are things that we stop saying in the middle, but I think they do it to make us feel important. One thing's for sure: no one else in life says to me, "Wait, Craig, what were you going to say?"
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Ned Vizzini |
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8a465a6
|
You have to be the prude or the slut, and if you pick one, other people hate you for it, and you can't trust anyone anymore, because they're all after the same thing, and you see that you can never go back to how it was before...
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Ned Vizzini |