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888e773 The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them. humour politics ridicule idiocy ideas Bill Maher
2dbced6 F]reedom isn't free. It shouldn't be a bragging point that "Oh, I don't get involved in politics," as if that makes you somehow cleaner. No, that makes you derelict of duty in a republic. Liars and panderers in government would have a much harder time of it if so many people didn't insist on their right to remain ignorant and blindly agreeable." -- responsibility freedom politics participation government Bill Maher
4e7f0f8 New Rule: Gay marriage won't lead to dog marriage. It is not a slippery slope to rampant inter-species coupling. When women got the right to vote, it didn't lead to hamsters voting. No court has extended the equal protection clause to salmon. And for the record, all marriages are "same sex" marriages. You get married, and every night, it's the same sex." humor same-sex-marriage Bill Maher
5191b74 Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake--you know, to send the right message to kids. gay-rights Bill Maher
f9be077 There's an old, frequently-used definition of insanity, which is "performing the same action over and over, expecting different results."... Now, I'm no doctor, but I am on TV. And in my professional opinion, George Bush is a paranoid schizophrenic. ... ...Other symptoms of paranoid schizophrenia are: Do you see things that aren't there? Such as a link between 9/11 and Iraq? Do you - do you feel things that you shouldn't be feeling, like a .. religion Bill Maher
ebd6080 I find that the world is changing much, much faster than I can even bitch about it. politics humor society Bill Maher
f5e69ff Saying someone is religious is heard in most of America as a compliment, a reassuring affirmation that someone will be moral, ethical, and after a few glasses of wine, a freak in the bedroom. religion humor Bill Maher
48e5195 Don't you miss the days when America was just MORALLY bankrupt? Bill Maher
bf76c20 New Rule: If you can force a woman to look at a sonogram--to see what will happen if she has an abortion--you also have to let her see a crying baby, a bratty five-year-old, and a surly teenager to see what will happen if she doesn't. And you have to tell her it costs $204,000 to raise it until it turns eighteen, in 2028, where it will be a slave to the Chinese, in a radioactive world with no animals, fish, or plants. freedom common-sense Bill Maher
cf38dd6 New Rule: Conspiracy theorists who are claiming that we didn't really kill Bin Laden must be reminded that they didn't think he did the crime in the first place. Come on, nutjobs, keep your bullshit straight: The towers were brought down in a controlled demolition by George W. Bush to distract attention from Hawaii, where CIA operatives were planting phony birth records so that a Kenyan named Barack Obama could someday rise to power and pre.. humor donald-trump conspiracy-theories osama-bin-laden Bill Maher
eb199b4 New Rule: Just because a country elects a smart president doesn't make it a smart country. A couple of weeks ago, I was asked on CNN if I thought Sarah Palin could get elected president, and I said I hope not, but I wouldn't put anything past this stupid country. Well, the station was flooded with emails, and the twits hit the fan. And you could tell that these people were mad, because they wrote entirely in CAPITAL LETTERS!!! Worst of al.. religion humor education intelligence healthcare-reform immature medicare war-in-iraq essays war-on-terror ignorance Bill Maher
6565215 New Rule: You're never going to pick up women at a coffee shop pretending to be working on your laptop. You don't look like you're sensitive, you look like you're homeless.The last guy to pick up a chick with an Apple was Adam. And when you sit across from another dateless loser with a laptop, it still doesn't look like you're working--it looks like you're playing Battleship. humor dating Bill Maher
af8b477 New Rule: If an Evangelical tries to use Halloween to pimp Jesus to kids, they get to egg his house. On Halloween, the president of the American Family Association urged his flock to hand out a Christian-based comic book instead of candy. Excuse me, Halloween isn't a time to push your beliefs. You don't see me handing out pot to kids...Okay, well not the little kids. religion humor marijuana halloween Bill Maher
b084b8d New Rule: If you married a manic-depressive, three of your children died, and while you were president civil war broke out and someone shot you in the head, your coin really shouldn't say, "In God We Trust." history religion bad-luck Bill Maher
30b3726 New Rule: America must stop bragging it's the greatest country on earth, and start acting like it. I know this is uncomfortable for the "faith over facts" crowd, but the greatness of a country can, to a large degree, be measured. Here are some numbers. Infant mortality rate: America ranks forty-eighth in the world. Overall health: seventy-second. Freedom of the press: forty-fourth. Literacy: fifty-fifth. Do you realize there are twelve-year.. politics george-w-bush patriotism Bill Maher
9e1c1c9 New Rule: Stop pretending your drugs are morally superior to my drugs because you get yours at a store. This week, they released the autopsy report on Anna Nicole Smith, and the cause of death was what I always thought it was: mad cow. No, it turns out she had nine different prescription drugs in her--which, in the medical field, is known as the "full Limbaugh." They opened her up, and a Walgreens jumped out. Antidepressants, anti-anxiety p.. prescription-drugs Bill Maher
397c8c5 New Rule: Not everything in America has to make a profit. If conservatives get to call universal health care "socialized medicine," I get to call private, for-profit health care "soulless vampire bastards making money off human pain." Now, I know what you're thinking: "But, Bill, the profit motive is what sustains capitalism." Yes, and our sex drive is what sustains the human species, but we don't try to fuck everything. It wasn't that long.. Bill Maher
8852a60 New Rule: Now that liberals have taken back the word "liberal," they also have to take back the word "elite." By now you've heard the constant right-wing attacks on the "elite media," and the "liberal elite." Who may or may not be part of the "Washington elite." A subset of the "East Coast elite." Which is overly influenced by the "Hollywood elite." So basically, unless you're a shit-kicker from Kansas, you're with the terrorists. If you pl.. politics humor education essay diploma-mills law-school monica-goodling pat-robertson liberal essays george-w-bush Bill Maher
4b73b4e New Rule: Food companies must face the facts: One container equals one serving. Look, we're Americans, and that means once we open the bag, there's no stopping us until we're licking stray bits of powdered cheese off the carpet. So stop trying to give us nutritional information based on a fraction of the package. It assumes a talent for two things that we're really not capable of: restraint and math. humor junk-food Bill Maher
e65f2b4 The big mistake of modern media has been this notion of balance for balance's sake. That the left is just as violent and cruel as the right, that unions are just powerful as corporations, that reverse racism is just as damaging as racism.... Bill Maher
10aa344 Not doing anything doing something and choosing to look away is a passive but no less mortal sin. suffering passive-aggressive ignorance sin Bill Maher
0b22d54 When opportunity knocks all some people can do is complain about the noise. Bill Maher
15fee80 I hate stupidity, but what I hate even more is when people actually brag about it. stupidity ignorance pride Bill Maher
f65615f They" hate us because they feel--and "they" are not wrong--that it is within our power to do so much more, and that we practice a kind of passive-aggressive violence on the Third World. We do this by, for example, demonizing tobacco as poison here while promoting cigarettes in Asia; inflating produce prices by paying farmers not to grow food as millions go hungry worldwide; skimping on quality and then imposing tariffs on foreign products m.. violence poverty suffering hate extremism irresponsible poverty-and-politics third-world passive-aggressive ignorance Bill Maher
56e073b New Rule: Stop lying to me about your pancake mix. The back of the box says 1 1/2 cups makes ten to twelve pancakes. Really? 'Cause I get four. Who's your cook, Jesus? Bill Maher
7d2858b They" hate us because they feel--and "they" are not wrong--that it is within our power to do so much more, and that we practice a kind of passive-aggressive violence on the Third World. We do this by, for example, demonizing tobacco as poison here while promoting cigarettes in Asia; inflating produce prices by paying farmers not to grow food as millions go hungry worldwide; skimping on quality and then imposing tariffs on foreign products m.. violence poverty suffering hate extremism irresponsible poverty-and-politics third-world passive-aggressive ignorance Bill Maher
69fd83a Women are also property in our bible; adultery is a property crime in the Old Testament, not a sex crime. marriage history women religion bible old-testament objectification personhood property objectification-of-women infidelity inequality Bill Maher
e1b9d2e New Rule: Death isn't always sad. This week, the Reverend Jerry Falwell died, and millions of Americans asked, "Why? Why, God? Why...didn't you take Pat Robertson with him?" I don't want to say Jerry was disliked by the gay community, but tonight in New York City, at exactly eight o'clock, Broadway theaters along the Great White Way turned their lights up for two minutes. I know you're not supposed to speak ill of the dead, but I think we c.. hate religion humor hate-speech jerry-falwell ignorance Bill Maher
9e48fb0 New Rule: Colin Firth has to admit that he's not a human being but a robot designed by women as the perfect man. He's handsome, charming, witty, he's got that accent and a gay best friend...the only way he could be any better is if he ejaculated Haagen-Dazs. humor Bill Maher
b2481ae New Rule: You don't have to put the cap back on the bottled water after every sip. It's water, not a genie. Bill Maher
a377f93 My bank must stop trying to sell me identity theft protection. You know why I expect you to protect my money? Because you're a . money credit-cards identity-theft Bill Maher
2d1d4fb New Rule: If you're one of the one-in-three married women who say your pet is a better listener than your husband, you talk too much. And I have some bad news for you: Your dog's not listening, either; he's waiting for food to fall out of your mouth. marriage humor listening pets Bill Maher
668f7a6 New Rule: Stop putting all those pillows on the bed. Attention, interior designers, hotel maids, and real housewives of New Jersey: It's a bed, not an obstacle course. I'm sorry, baby, I'd like to make sweet love to you all night long, but by the time I get all that crap off your bed, I'm . A bed needs only two pillows: one to put my head on, and one to cuddle with and pretend it's Robert Pattinson. humor pillows Bill Maher
36e771c But what is it that drives haters crazy with rage? Many times, it's being ignored. To a person with pride, being ignored is often worse than out-and-out hate; it's that much more of an insult, that you're not even worth noticing. hate politics ignorance insulting pride Bill Maher
f8ed8ac We're a complacent society, hard to get riled up in the first place, and then when we do, it's misdirected. politics complacency Bill Maher
97329ba New Rule: Someone has to make a mustard container that doesn't squirt out yellow water before it gets to the actual mustard. I get all excited for lunch, and then Grey Poupon pees on my sandwich. I suppose I could shake the bottle first, but fuck you, I'm an American consumer. Not only should your mustard be pre-blended to my specifications, it should also whiten my teeth. Bill Maher
8fa5997 New Rule: You don't have to teach both sides of a debate if one side is a load of crap. President Bush recently suggested that public schools should teach "intelligent design" alongside the theory of evolution, because after all, evolution is "just a theory." Then the president renewed his vow to "drive the terrorists straight over the edge of the earth." Here's what I don't get: President Bush is a brilliant scientist. He's the man who pro.. evolution politics religion science essay separation-of-church-and-state creationism george-w-bush intelligent-design Bill Maher
cc22bbd New Rule: Americans must realize what makes NFL football so great: socialism. That's right, the NFL takes money from the rich teams and gives it to the poorer one...just like President Obama wants to do with his secret army of ACORN volunteers. Green Bay, Wisconsin, has a population of one hundred thousand. Yet this sleepy little town on the banks of the Fuck-if-I-know River has just as much of a chance of making it to the Super Bowl as the.. politics humor sports Bill Maher
1d50138 New Rule: You can't force the ATM to do something it doesn't want to do. Excuse me, lady in front of me at the Citibank ATM, but you've been standing there punching buttons for ten minutes--what are you trying to do, write a novel on it? You hear those beeping noises? That's the ATM saying, "Stop it, you're hurting me." A chicken would have gotten forty bucks out of that thing by now just by pecking the buttons randomly." -- technology Bill Maher
2b2082b If I can't suck your milkshake through a straw, it's not a milkshake--it's a glass of ice cream. humor ice-cream milkshake milkshakes Bill Maher
f032995 New Rule: If you're going to have a rally where hundreds of thousands of people show up, you may as well go ahead and make it about something. With all due respect to my friends Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert, it seems that if you truly wanted to come down on the side of restoring sanity and reason, you'd side with the sane and the reasonable--and not try to pretend the insanity is equally distributed in both parties. Keith Olbermann is ri.. Bill Maher
0ba66e3 New Rule: Conservatives have to stop rolling their eyes every time they hear the word "France." Like just calling something French is the ultimate argument winner. As if to say, "What can you say about a country that was too stupid to get on board with our wonderfully conceived and brilliantly executed war in Iraq?" And yet an American politician could not survive if he uttered the simple, true statement: "France has a better health-care sy.. politics elections france Bill Maher
2c4b453 Americans today confuse freedom with not being asked to sacrifice. The fact that you can't have everything you want exactly when you want it has somehow become un-American. freedom politics sacifice selfless war-on-terror selfish patriotism Bill Maher
106382d New Rule: Someone must x-ray my stomach to see if the Peeps I ate on Easter are still in there, intact and completely undigested. And I'm not talking about this past Easter. I'm talking about the last time I celebrated Easter, in 1962. humor peeps easter Bill Maher
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