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bb40365
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If you're in the midst of a midlife crisis, you could buy a convertible, have an affair, or upgrade your cup size. But you'll probably be happiest if you save a dog's life.
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Jen Lancaster |
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0b37e51
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You know why I love HGTV? It's not just that I get a peek into other people's lives. It's that everyone's always thrilled with the end result, whether they're redecorating an unfortunate room, selling a house, or cleaning up another contractor's mess. I love for a happy ending, and HGTV is perpetually upbeat and optimistic. The shows are all about problem solving, not drama creating.
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hgtv
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Jen Lancaster |
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b657626
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What's funny is the act of cleaning out my desk takes an hour, yet I've been dreading it for so many damn years. How much time have I wasted in fretting about organizing this instead of actually organizing? I kind of don't want to know.
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Jen Lancaster |
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771486e
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In Atlas Shrugged, Ayn Rand stated that there's no such thing as real altruism. She espoused the principle of ethical egotism, meaning that a person's moral obligation is to promote their own welfare. Translation? I still have the musical sensibilities of a teenage girl and I kind of want to see a shitty pop concert in the guise of doing something nice for my pal's kid, so I need to find a way to make it happen.
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Jen Lancaster |
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d742511
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Forgive the cliche, but friends are truly the family you choose.
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Jen Lancaster |
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ca65be2
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But there's always a chance she's hiding a flask and a Nixon-esque Enemies List in her pinafore apron, which is exactly why we're such good friends.
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Jen Lancaster |
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1a3ce23
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Except for thinking up reasons I'm allowed to skip the gym, my schedule is almost totally empty. (Today's reason is because I have a cold. Yesterday's was the dogs seemed sad.
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Jen Lancaster |
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5d75e67
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I tried, it was hard, I quit, the end. Story of my life.
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Jen Lancaster |
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1c17542
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I feel like my takeaway from tonight is that it's okay to love shitty television, provided that you make an effort to appreciate other kinds of entertainment.
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Jen Lancaster |
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5103f04
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Ultimately, my goal in life is to arrive at the finish line without having regrets.
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Jen Lancaster |
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b8d18b1
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This quick foray onto the toilet has been no different an endeavor than any other time I've used the restroom in my adult life. Try then to imagine my surprise when instead of the waste going down the u-bend like the thousands of times previous, the bowl's contents go not gentle into that good night. Instead, they shoot directly up at me . . . at approximately 80 miles an hour.
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Jen Lancaster |
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140e913
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At my age, I feel like I'm halfway to the finish line and life's too short to do what I'm sure to hate.
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Jen Lancaster |
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1d0d322
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I don't care how happily married you are or how deeply enmeshed you are with your children and family and career -- every woman needs a couple of chicks who'll break out the sangria just because you need to vent.
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friendship
girl-life
life
relationships
women
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Jen Lancaster |
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0159510
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Fortunately, all it takes for us to be of one mind is some buttercream frosting.
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Jen Lancaster |
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c1e6dc1
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You know what? We need a recession in this country, because that would finally weed out all the subnormal, underdeveloped, stupefied, puerile people in this workforce.
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Jen Lancaster |
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f860b99
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If I may, I'd like to take a moment to praise Mark Zuckerberg's parents for not procreating sooner. Praise be to all that is holy that Facebook didn't exist when I was that age and the Internet then was but a Usenet group for Star Trek fans. I feel like the luckiest person in the world to have grown up when cameras used actual film because the only thing that stood between infamy and me was the clerk who developed photos at Walgreens. Thank..
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Jen Lancaster |
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6d91400
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Today, we're a beeper generation in a smartphone world.
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Jen Lancaster |
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4c2225a
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Reality television gave me an amazing feeling of moral and intellectual superiority without actually requiring any effort past moving the dogs to find the remote.
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Jen Lancaster |
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d1d6cd6
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I'm the person who says every single thing she thinks, sometimes to others' amusement, and almost always to my detriment.
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Jen Lancaster |
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6369913
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I bet if I spent less time with the television and more time pursuing activities that enhance my life and expand my knowledge, I won't freeze up in business or social situations.
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Jen Lancaster |
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0a3f545
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You know what? We need a recession in this country, because that would finaly weed out al the subnormal, underdeveloped, stupefied, puerile people in this workforce.
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employement
funny
jobless
joblessness
need
recession
stupid
stupidity
unemployed
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Jen Lancaster |
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733918b
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Sidebar: Mindy Kaling describes "best friend" as being a friendship tier and not a singular person. Mindy Kaling is wise beyond her years.)"
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Jen Lancaster |
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4654261
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Presently, Mary Mac--that's what we call her for short--has churned out more kids than I can count. It's like she's a hoarder, only for children. In terms of personal achievement, she's pretty much the patron saint of minivans and stretch marks. What is that meme I've seen about the prolific 19 Kids and Counting mother? Ah, yes, "It's a vagina, not a clown car." Add one persecution complex, stir, and, boom! Meet my older sister." --
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Jen Lancaster |
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4475a77
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Butterflies are a lot like rainbows: They're phenomenally beautiful in real life, yet no graphic representation can do them justice; ergo, it's best to forgo.
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Jen Lancaster |
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2f48f33
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With two pit bulls in the house, we have a responsibility to make sure they're always under control. I mean, we're well aware of how sweet and harmless they are, yet the fact that they even exist intimidates others, so we train for our neighbors' peace of mind. As an added bonus, the dogs love it!
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Jen Lancaster |
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0b3480c
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I used to have to hunt for hard-boiled eggs when I was a kid. What was the point of that? Was I supposed to be, 'Yay! I found them! Egg-salad sandwiches for everyone!' I was seven! I wanted chocolate, not bioavailable protein.
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Jen Lancaster |
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86c6631
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The thing about mass transportation is that it transports the masses.
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Jen Lancaster |
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f3dfbfc
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eBay is a fine place to unload your Prada bag when you're in a desperate situation and it's exactly what the doctor ordered when searching for a specific item, say an authentic 1965 edition of the game Mystery Date. eBay is a very, very bad place to go if you're a hypercompetitive asshole with a penchant for spite bidding.
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Jen Lancaster |
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33093f8
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I've always feared growing older because I thought I'd run out of interests, but what this project has taught me is that I've barely scratched the surface of what I could try next.
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Jen Lancaster |
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6ac7a78
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Couple this discovery with the realization that my things shouldn't own me and that life's meant to be lived, not displayed on Pinterest, and my sense is I've finally achieved something close to balance. I feel excellent about actually having
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Jen Lancaster |
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a8ad860
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NOTE
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Jen Lancaster |
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4a40908
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I've always wanted to take a swim wherever it is they snap those screensaver photos--Fiji? Bora Bora? The Maldives?--and sleep in a hotel room that's more of a hut built on a dock over the water. After reading The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency, I'm dying to see the sun set in Botswana. I want to visit Indian temples and volunteer at an elephant sanctuary.
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Jen Lancaster |
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f02d77e
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Or how about when a person publishes something along the lines of, "This has been the worst day EVAH," but then gets all closed-lipped about why it's been so bad. This is attention-seeking at its worst."
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Jen Lancaster |
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ef7732d
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My whole life I've harbored a resentment toward those who could ride no-handed. To this day, I can't even sit on an exercise bike without clinging to the handlebars with a serious G.I.-Joe- kung-fu grip. Every time I see someone on the road, all smug and well-balanced, using their cell phone and gesturing while they talk and ride, I secretly want to bash them with my car door. It's
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Jen Lancaster |
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903378b
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Dessert is my reward for having met my goals during the day. Really, dessert is an event rather than a specific item.
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Jen Lancaster |
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bdb45b6
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This way, when I do have something like special-occasion engagement cake, I can enjoy the whole damn thing without a twinge of remorse. I
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Jen Lancaster |
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a19d980
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Although they're doing manual labor, they're both wearing tailored slacks and dressy leather shoes, which
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Jen Lancaster |
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1a541a6
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What about my Girls Gone Mild life leads you to believe I'm a body shot shy of debauchery? Is it the pearls?
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Jen Lancaster |
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57ef70d
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and World Cuisine educations are on temporary hold since I'm on my way to
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Jen Lancaster |
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48eb0a6
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This should be easy because I've fallen out of love with Facebook. First, I want to be the kind of friend who hears about others' milestones in person. I hate learning about major life events buried in a timeline between photos of fresh pedicures and pictures of lunch. When someone close to me has a baby or goes through emergency surgery or suffers a loss, they deserve more than a "like." A click should never take the place of real interact..
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Jen Lancaster |
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89eb7af
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you know that peanut butter's now considered a hate crime? Because it totally is.]
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Jen Lancaster |
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5e126a4
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No one gives out Congratulations on Not Being a Douche-Canoe medals, because good behavior is part of the social contract.
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Jen Lancaster |
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dbd8f3f
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Can I tell you something about Seattle? Everyone there is a filthy liar. They're all, 'Don't move to Seattle--it's so rainy!' And yet every time I've been there, a tiny amount of rain falls before the whole sky explodes into rainbows and sunlight. Seattleites mean to hog up all the stunning vistas and good coffee and flowering bushes for themselves. Bet on it.
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Jen Lancaster |
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11b9029
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photo developers everywhere are likely the reason my entire generation didn't devolve into total chaos.
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Jen Lancaster |