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The difference between social media and a social life is the difference between eating a marshmallow Peep and dining on a tomahawk-cut rib eye: one is substantial and nutritious; the other is just a momentarily satisfying puff of sweetened air, offering no long-term benefits. I can enjoy the fluff, but I can't subsist on it.
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Jen Lancaster |
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milk, powdered heavy cream, and powdered butter." "Didn't know a lot of these products existed,"
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Jen Lancaster |
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With the mere click of a mouse, I can be put in my place but good via Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, Pinterest, or Google+, just to name a few. (But not MySpace, which has been a ghost town since 2008. I hope Tom's okay.)
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Jen Lancaster |
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Nothing gives me greater pleasure than to say yes, only to have my plans fall through at the last minute and I can take off my regular-people clothes and redon my paint-splattered yoga pants.
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Jen Lancaster |
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But how come no one says anything to my face? I do dozens of events per year and I've met thousands of readers, and every single person I've ever encountered has been lovely. Why is that, I wonder? Am I more charming in person, or is it that face-to-face blunt-force-trauma honesty requires a modicum of courage?
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Jen Lancaster |
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You don't have to be a writer, though, to know that making fun of yourself is a good way to deflect being made fun of. Like many people, I am hypercritical about myself so that I beat the haters to the punch. When I acknowledge my foibles first, no one else can use them against me. I've taken away everyone else's power to make me feel less about myself by doing it first.
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Jen Lancaster |
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Let me phrase it like this--do you want to live in the kitchen for the next four days, sweating your ass off while you make a meal it will take twenty minutes to eat? Do you want to attack a pile of dishes for three hours afterward? Do you want to spend a week eating old turkey and cranberry sauce because
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Jen Lancaster |
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Sometimes compromise tastes like caramel macchiato.
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Jen Lancaster |
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all it took to succeed was to stop listening to my internal critic and to just start doing.
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Jen Lancaster |
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Until he started watching The Walking Dead. Yeah, AMC. Thanks for that. He keeps telling me that I'd enjoy the show, but judging from all the screaming, shooting, and breaking glass I hear from my office every
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Jen Lancaster |
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We are middle-aged. This is what happens. All the same nonsense that comes with puberty occurs again during perimenopause--the hormone surges, the moodiness, and the hair appearing where there wasn't hair before. Except instead of filling in under the arms and on nether regions, these coarse follicles of hate are showing up on our freaking faces.
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Jen Lancaster |
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I've come to realize this isn't "real" and there's no substitute for actual interaction. The difference between social media and a social life is the difference between eating a marshmallow Peep and dining on a tomahawk-cut rib eye: one is substantial and nutritious; the other is just a momentarily satisfying puff of sweetened air, offering no long-term benefits. I can enjoy the fluff, but I can't subsist on it."
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Jen Lancaster |
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lives are meant to be our lives, and not a facade presented for the consumption of others; or, WE ARE NOT A MAGAZINE. I worry that younger women are striving so hard to present a compelling story via images that they're ignoring the substance that makes the story true. Ultimately, they're going to end up really bitter later in life (and not the good kind of bitter that sells books). My message to these women is this--if you want to avoid re..
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Jen Lancaster |
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Anyone who grew up in a household where carob passed for chocolate and apple pies were actually filled with zucchini will feel me here.
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Jen Lancaster |
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worry that younger women are striving so hard to present a compelling story via images that they're ignoring the substance that makes the story true. Ultimately, they're going to end up really bitter later in life (and not the good kind of bitter that sells books). My message to these women is this--if you want to avoid regrets later, give yourselves a break now and just be real. Enjoy the mess. Revel in the imperfection.
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Jen Lancaster |
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That which went wrong, and that which went right, would have been made easier if I were more focused on my goals.
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Jen Lancaster |
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I'm not one of those folks who have to face death to live life. I
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Jen Lancaster |
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You know what else I haven't seen? Home stores. I've not passed the equivalent of Restoration Hardware or Crate and Barrel or Pottery Barn, so I get the feeling that no one's killing themselves working double shifts so they can consume stuff to make their homes Pinterest-perfect. Maybe the Roman message is to not let your stuff own you.
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Jen Lancaster |
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wonder if Martha Stewart's guests are greeted at the door with her sweating, crying, and shouting, 'Here's a recipe; get to work or we're never eating Thanksgiving dinner!'" I"
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Jen Lancaster |
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like it. And, hey, why do I have so much sand in my crotch?" Okay,"
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Jen Lancaster |
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fund-raising calls; I have to depose a witness that day!" Sure, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, that's fine. But when we can't buy new beakers for the science lab and your daughter's lack of a STEM education leads her to a life as a Hooters waitress, don't cry to me about chicken wings. Unfortunately,"
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Jen Lancaster |
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the more one Bes, Gives, and Gets, the more it perpetuates itself into happiness.
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Jen Lancaster |
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Let's discuss. On the one hand, Ashley thought it was okay to feed children Hawaiian Punch and Fritos for a snack, because apparently she couldn't get her hands on any Mexican black tar heroin. And yet she volunteered for the job of Snack Mom, which is a distinct selling point. Of
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Jen Lancaster |
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The more we look at food as fuel and the more we take emotions out of eating, the more likely we are to moderate ourselves.
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Jen Lancaster |
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I want to reframe the midlife crisis, making it into the midlife opportunity.
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Jen Lancaster |
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I HAVE to stay here. I simply have to. To be honest, too much of my identity comes from possessing this space. As my job used to define me, living here's all I have left. This apartment makes it OK that I can't buy Prada's newest anymore. I can be content going on lousy interviews and begging for positions that pay half of what I used to earn as long as I know at the end of the day my glorious penthouse awaits. The minute I climb into my Ja..
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Jen Lancaster |
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yesterday in the airport I spent ten minutes expounding on the virtues of Bethenny Frankel from the New York season of the Real Housewives until I realized the person next to me had been talking about a book by Viktor Frankl.
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Jen Lancaster |
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Ultimately, my goal in life is to arrive at the finish line without having regrets. I don't want to reflect on my time on this earth and beat myself up for not having made an effort, for not pushing myself, for allowing small obstacles or personal pride to stand in my way. I don't want to be there on my deathbed wondering what was so damn hard about riding a bike in the first place.
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Jen Lancaster |
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you wonder if Amazon sells them because if they do then that's a sign from God, especially if there's a Buy with One Click button and somehow there's a cellular data connection even though you're driving past a field so it's definitely meant to be
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Jen Lancaster |
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instances of egg Kristallnacht when we use a turkey baster to force egg
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Jen Lancaster |
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I love zucchini. I love everything about zucchini. I love saying the word "zucchini." Zucchini, zucchini, zucchini! Even the individual syllables are charming! You can't not be happy around such a big, green, comical-sounding foodstuff. Zucchini's hilarious and delicious!"
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Jen Lancaster |
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I'm through stopping midconversation to post a funny quote because I feel like it's my job. I'm done creating "link-bait." I'm going to be in the moment rather than upload the moment, because the purpose of my life is not public consumption."
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Jen Lancaster |
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I don't want to measure my success in clicks. I don't want my value as a person determined by retweets. When I die, I guarantee I won't care how many Tumblr followers I've had. And why is anyone following me in the first place, as I've yet to determine where I'm going?
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Jen Lancaster |
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The book's an attractive nuisance," Lacey replied, absolutely discounting reason. "These kids are being systematically conditioned to crave pulverized nut spreads. Like brainwashing. Extra-crunchy brainwashing. The school is colluding with Big Peanut Butter, I just know it. I sense Jif's sticky fingerprints all over this story." Fortunately,"
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Jen Lancaster |
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She makes tsk-tsk sounds as she unpacks grocery sacks full of Pop-Tarts, mini chimichangas, and a frozen patty-based product called "Chykyn Wingzz," which I suspect contains neither chicken nor wings. "Kel,"
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Jen Lancaster |
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Did you get my e-mail? I'll take "What Are the Five Most Terrifying Words the Elderly Can Ever Utter?" for two hundred, Alex. Wait,"
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Jen Lancaster |
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That's so funny. Personally, I, too, have always found my swagger coach to be more skilled at providing treatment than an accredited medical professional." Nicole,"
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Jen Lancaster |
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Looking back, my abstinence was less a function of convictions and more because I was too much of a dork to be invited to parties. One doesn't stumble into many dens of iniquity on the way to a speech meet. Let's be real here. I'd have snorted rails off a hooker's ass if a preppy guy named Kip or Trip or Chip handed me the straw.
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Jen Lancaster |
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She's going to show up at the Mexican border once she finishes the marathon to her car," Fletch says. I nod. "Sounds like it, yes." "And she's confident the border guards will simply stand there with open arms, all, 'Oh, apocalypse in the USA? So sorry. Come on in, friendly Northern Neighbor! You're totally welcome to all our resources! Here, have a chimichanga, senorita! You must be tired after your long trek."
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Jen Lancaster |
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Love at first sight is only a thing regarding dogs or designer purses.
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Jen Lancaster |
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If someone could harness the power of my love for this dog, I swear I could singlehandedly end our nation's dependence on foreign oil.
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Jen Lancaster |
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donut can give you the kind of hug from inside that celery just can't muster.
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Jen Lancaster |
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Cake loves you unconditionally.
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Jen Lancaster |
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The only force more powerful than what's about to befoul the checkout line is my passionate abhorrence for the lyric "Yip yip yip yip yip yip yip yip / Mum mum mum mum mum mum / Get a job," so I manage to hold everything together"
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Jen Lancaster |