humour

Link	Quote	Tags	Author
aeaef27	I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.	humour writing work humor	Douglas Adams
c324a6c	When I was your age, television was called books.	humour fantasy	William Goldman
64515ca	"Headline?" he asked. "'Swing Set Needs Home,'" I said. "'Desperately Lonely Swing Set Needs Loving Home,'" he said. "'Lonely, Vaguely Pedophilic Swing Set Seeks the Butts of Children,'" I said."	humour humor pedophile pedophilia john-green tfios the-fault-in-our-stars internet	John Green
0ff945a	I've been fighting to be who I am all my life. What's the point of being who I am, if I can't have the person who was worth all the fighting for?	lover humour relationships romance funny spiritual love inspirational wife husband fighting sweet	Stephanie Lennox
cd7411d	So you're a Shadowhunter,' Nate said. 'De Quincey told me that you lot were monsters.' 'Was that before or after he tried to eat you?' Will inquired.	humour nathaniel-gray will-herondale wit	Cassandra Clare
9fd2e9c	"It would seem that you have no useful skill or talent whatsoever," he said. "Have you thought of going into teaching?"	humour humor teaching	Terry Pratchett
29a236a	"Just because you said dragon demons were extinct--" "I said mostly extinct." Alec jabbed a finger toward him. "Mostly extinct," he said, his voice trembling with rage, "is NOT EXTINCT ENOUGH." "I see," said Jace. "I'll just have them change the entry in the demonology textbook from 'almost extinct' to 'not extinct enough for Alec. He prefers his monsters really, really extinct.' Will that make you happy?"	humour city-of-ashes jace-wayland	Cassandra Clare
f03cd22	I'd rather be a rising ape than a falling angel.	humour inspirational	Terry Pratchett
6c987d8	"You're not very nice," I say, grinning. "You're one to talk." "Hey, I could be nice if I tried." "Hmm." He taps his chin. "Say something nice, then." "You're very good-looking." He smiles, his teeth a flash in this dark. "I like this 'nice' thing."	humour divergent tris-and-tobias four tris tobias divergent-series	veronica roth
b16d303	If complete and utter chaos was lightning, then he'd be the sort to stand on a hilltop in a thunderstorm wearing wet copper armour and shouting 'All gods are bastards!	humour stupidity religion	Terry Pratchett
c5f4996	FEAR stands for fuck everything and run.	humour stephen-king	Stephen King
64ce1b7	Ethan Wyeth: I hope you're thirsty.	humour funny stupid	Orson Scott Card
4552070	The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius.	humour oscar-wilde	Oscar Wilde
9b188b0	We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!	humour doubt life uncertainty	Douglas Adams
9662f09	While the Clave disapproves of trespassers, oddly they take an even darker view of beheading and skinning people. They're peculiar that way.	humour will-herondale sarcasm	Cassandra Clare
6a63f0d	On the whole human beings want to be good, but not too good, and not quite all the time.	humour philosophy human-nature	George Orwell
f03a744	Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the western spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-two million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea.	earth humour unfashionable watches primitive cosmology galaxy digital perspective	Douglas Adams
fb360cc	Darling, when things go wrong in life, you lift your chin, put on a ravishing smile, mix yourself a little cocktail...	humour inspirational lifestyle women-s-strength	Sophie Kinsella
e74f3f0	Failed relationships can be described as so much wasted make-up.	humour relationships women love	Marian Keyes
3fdc88d	"But the plans were on display..." "On display? I eventually had to go down to the cellar to find them." "That's the display department." "With a flashlight." "Ah, well, the lights had probably gone." "So had the stairs." "But look, you found the notice, didn't you?" "Yes," said Arthur, "yes I did. It was on display in the bottom of a locked filing cabinet stuck in a disused lavatory with a sign on the door saying 'Beware of the Leopard." --	humour demolition department bypass bureaucracy house	Douglas Adams
4ec8aab	"You stole a boat," she snapped. "What am I doing with you, you boat-stealing lunatic?"	humour	Cassandra Clare
7cc7945	A man who trusts everyone is a fool and a man who trusts no one is a fool. We are all fools if we live long enough.	humour	Robert Jordan
393954c	"THAT'S IT!" Terminus cried. "That's AGAINST THE RULES!" Polybotes frowned, obviously confused that he was being told off by a statue. "What are you?" he growled. "Shut up!" He pushed the statue over and turned back to Percy. "Now I'm MAD!" Terminus shrieked. "I'm strangling you. Feel that? Those are my hands around your neck, you big bully. Get over here! I'm going to head-butt you so hard--"	humour fiction-fantasy terminus polybotes the-son-of-neptune percy-jackson rick-riordan	Rick Riordan
0e13105	"Thorne scoffed. " is my middle name. Right after and ." "Do you even know what you're saying half the time?" asked Cinder."	humour lih-cinder	Marissa Meyer
d86ae0e	Humor is what happens when we're told the truth quicker and more directly than we're used to.	humour	George Saunders
53f0d5d	"What's so unpleasant about being drunk?" "Ask a glass of water!"	humour jokes	Douglas Adams
ff8b285	"Hello? This is Clary Fairchild." "Clary? It's me, Emma." "Oh, Emma, hi! I haven't heard from you in ages. My mom says thanks for the wedding flowers, by the way. She wanted to send a note but Luke whisked her away on a honeymoon to Tahiti." "Tahiti sounds nice." "It probably is -- Jace, what are you doing with that thing? There is no way it'll fit." "Is this a bad time?" "What? No! Jace is trying to drag a trebuchet into the training room. Alec, stop helping him." "What's a trebuchet?" "It's a huge catapult." "What are they going to use it for?" "I have no idea. Alec, you're enabling! You're an enabler!" "Maybe it is a bad time." "I doubt there'll be a better one. Is something wrong? Is there anything I can do?" "I think we have your cat." "What?" "Your cat. Big fuzzy Blue Persian? Always looks angry? Julian says it's your cat. He says he saw it at the New York Institute. Well, saw him. It's a boy cat." "Church? You have Church? But I thought -- well, we knew he was gone. We thought Brother Zachariah took him. Isabelle was annoyed, but they seemed to know each other. I've never seen Church actually likeanyone like that." "I don't know if he likes anyone here. He bit Julian twice. Oh, wait. Julian says he likes Ty. He's asleep on Ty's bed." "How did you wind up with him?" "Someone rang our front doorbell. Diana, she's our tutor, went down to see what it was. Church was in a cage on the front step with a note tied to it. It said For Emma. This is Church, a longtime friend of the Carstairs. Take care of this cat and he will take care of you. --J." "Brother Zachariah left you a cat." "But I don't even really know him. And he's not a Silent Brother any more." "You may not know him, but he clearly knows you." "What do you think the J stands for?" "His real name. Look, Emma, if he wants you to have Church, and you want Church, you should keep him." "Are you sure? The Lightwoods --" 'They're both standing here nodding. Well, Alec is partially trapped under a trebuchet, but he seems to be nodding." "Jules says we'd like to keep him. We used to have a cat named Oscar, but he died, and, well, Church seems to be good for Ty's nightmares." "Oh, honey. I think, really, he's Brother Zachariah's cat. And if he wants you to have him, then you should." "Why does Brother Zachariah want to protect me? It's like he knows me, but I don't know why he knows me." "I don't exactly know ... But I know Tessa. She's his -- well, girlfriend seems not the right word for it. They've known each other a long, long time. I have a feeling they're both watching over you." "That's good. I have a feeling we're going to need it." "Emma -- oh my God. The trebuchet just crashed through the floor. I have to go. Call me later." "But we can keep the cat?" "You can keep the cat."	humour clary-fairchild jace-herondale shadowhunters the-dark-artifices emma-carstairs	Cassandra Clare
9691d41	The universe contains any amount of horrible ways to be woken up, such as the noise of the mob breaking down the front door, the scream of fire engines, or the realization that today is the Monday which on Friday night was a comfortably long way off. A dog's wet nose is not strictly speaking the worst of the bunch, but it has its own peculiar dreadfulness which connoisseurs of the ghastly and dog owners everywhere have come to know and dread. It's like having a small piece of defrosting liver pressed lovingly against you.	humour	Terry Pratchett
888e773	The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.	humour politics ridicule idiocy ideas	Bill Maher
51e20f5	You will suffer, son of Hades!' What else is new? Nico thought.	suffering humour life nico-di-angelo	Rick Riordan
a15cef1	The eidolons started pounding on the door. 'Who is it?' Leo called. 'Valdez!' 'Valdez who?	humour knock leo-valdez	Rick Riordan
3c25d83	All worthy work is open to interpretations the author did not intend. Art isn't your pet -- it's your kid. It grows up and talks back to you.	humour inspirational interpretation art	Joss Whedon
6417850	For Children: You will need to know the difference between Friday and a fried egg. It's quite a simple difference, but an important one. Friday comes at the end of the week, whereas a fried egg comes out of a chicken. Like most things, of course, it isn't quite that simple. The fried egg isn't properly a fried egg until it's been put in a frying pan and fried. This is something you wouldn't do to a Friday, of course, though you might do it on a Friday. You can also fry eggs on a Thursday, if you like, or on a cooker. It's all rather complicated, but it makes a kind of sense if you think about it for a while.	humour fried-egg	Douglas Adams
af00a0b	My shining dishonesty will be the salvation of me.	lying humour salvation	Diana Wynne Jones
db8fc77	"My point is that I am going to figure this out, like I always do. First, we're going to find a way to get into Artemisia. We're going to find Cress and rescue Cinder and Wolf. We're going to overthrow Levana, and by the stars above, we are going to make Cinder a queen so she can pay us a lot of money from her royal coffers and we can all retire very rich and very alive, got it?" Winter started to clap. "Brilliant speech. Such gumption and bravado." "And yet strangely lacking in any sort of actual strategy," said Scarlet. "Oh, good, I'm glad you noticed that too," said Iko. "I was worried my processor might be glitching."	humour iko scarlet-benoit winter-hayle-blackburn	Marissa Meyer
2dfb210	The wish of death had been palpably hanging over this otherwise idyllic paradise for a good many years	young-adult humour romance inspirational thriller	John Richard Spencer
de94f8f	She was an idiot. An adorable, gorgeous, feisty, funny, sweet, sexy idiot.	humour romance funny	Sarah Mayberry
321c232	"Look!" said Foaly, pointing with some urgency into the vast steel-gray gloom, "Someone who cares!"	humour humor foaly	Eoin Colfer
495777f	"You're not allowed to call them dinosaurs any more," said Yo-less. "It's speciesist. You have to call them pre-petroleum persons."	humour euphemism political-correctness	Terry Pratchett
67c266b	"Now-what's our game plan?" Coach Hedge belched. He'd already had three espressos and a plate of doughnuts, along with two napkins and another flower from the vase on the table. He would've eaten the silverware, except Piper had slapped his hand. "Climb the mountain," Hedge said. "Kill everything except Piper's dad. Leave." "Thank you General Eisenhower," Jason grumbles." --	humour jason-grace	Rick Riordan
3ebb593	"Now-what's our game plan?" Coach Hedge belched. He'd already had three espressos and a plate of doughnuts, along with two napkins and another flower from the vase on the table. He would've eaten the silverware, except Piper had slapped his hand. "Climb the mountain," Hedge said. "Kill everything except Piper's dad. Leave." "Thank you General Eisenhower," Jason grumbles."	humour jason-grace	Rick Riordan
644f3ba	"Let us find the dam snack bar," Zoe said. "We should eat while we can." Grover cracked a smile. "The dam snack bar?" Zoe blinked. "Yes. What is funny?" "Nothing," Grover said, trying to keep a straight face. "I could use some dam french fries." Even Thalia smiled at that. "And I need to use the dam restroom." Maybe it was the fact that we were so tired and strung out emotionally, but I started cracking up, and Thalia and Grover joined in, while Zoe just looked at us. "I do not understand." "I want to use the dam water fountain," Grover said. "And..." Thalia tried to catch her breath. "I want to buy a dam T-shirt." I busted up, and I probably would've kept laughing all day, but then I heard a noise: "Moooo." The smile melted off my face. I wondered if the noise was just in my head, but Grover had stopped laughing too. He was looking around, confused. "Did I just hear a cow?" "A dam cow?" Thalia laughed."	humour thalia-grace zoe-nightshade percy-jackson	Rick Riordan
b78b5bb	You can't give her that!' she screamed. 'It's not safe!' IT'S A SWORD, said the Hogfather. THEY'RE NOT MEANT TO BE SAFE. 'She's a child!' shouted Crumley. IT'S EDUCATIONAL. 'What if she cuts herself?' THAT WILL BE AN IMPORTANT LESSON.	lessons humour death humor discworld hogfather important-lessons swords	Terry Pratchett
ad65bae	Here's a basic difference between Morelli and me. My first thought was always of cake. His first thought was always of sex. Don't get me wrong. I like sex . . . a lot. But it's never going to replace cake.	humour	Janet Evanovich
a6bd708	"According to Festus, our flying table, Buford, made it back safely while we were in Charleston, so those eagles didn't get him. Unfortunately, he lost the laundry bag with your pants." "Dang it!" Frank Barked, which Leo figured was probably severe profanity for him. No doubt Frank would've cursed some more -busting out the golly gees and the gosh darns- but Percy interrupted by doubling over and groaning.	humour percy-jackson frank-zhang jason-grace leo-valdez	rick riordan the mark of athena
797615f	A man when he is making up to anybody can be cordial and gallant and full of little attentions and altogether charming. But when a man is really in love he can't help looking like a sheep.	lovers humour love sheep	Agatha Christie
8b2e49b	...I doubt very seriously whether anyone will hire me.' What do you mean, babe? You a fine boy with a good education.' Employers sense in me a denial of their values.' He rolled over onto his back. 'They fear me. I suspect that they can see that I am forced to function in a century I loathe. This was true even when I worked for the New Orleans Public Library.	humour work humor	John Kennedy Toole
7765298	"Who's Kreacher?" "The house-elf who lives here," said Ron. "Nutter. Never met one like him." "He is not a nutter," said Hermione. "His life's ambition is to have his head cut off and stuck up on a plaque like his mother", said Ron. "Is that normal, Hermione?"	humour kreacher ron-weasley	J.K. Rowling
e5a8d22	Why do only the awful things become fads? I thought. Eye-rolling and Barbie and bread pudding. Why never chocolate cheesecake or thinking for yourself?	humour independence bellwether fads	Connie Willis
fc0fdc2	A smell of burned hair and cotton wafted into the air as I spun toward my desk. There was a low whine from the desk and then smoke billowed out of my closed laptop. I gaped. My precious, perfectly brand new laptop I cherished like one would a small child. Son of a mother... Friend or not, it was so on	humour book-nerd laptop	Jennifer L. Armentrout
b0ff3ee	"Sure you can manage that broom, Potter?" said a cold, drawling voice. Draco Malfoy had arrived for a closer look, Crabbe and Goyle right behind him. "Yeah, reckon so," said Harry casually. "Got plenty of special features, hasn't it?" said Malfoy, eyes glittering maliciously. "Shame it doesn't come with a parachute - in case you get too near a Dementor." Crabbe and Goyle sniggered. "Pity you can't attach an extra arm to yours, Malfoy," said Harry. "Then it could catch the Snitch for you."	harry-potter humour snitch	J.K. Rowling
5314fc4	"You ride as a man, fight as a man, and you think as a man-" "I think as a human being," she retorted hotly. "Men don't think any differently from women- they just make more noise about being able to."	humour gender-stereotypes	Tamora Pierce
cea0da9	People who can change and change again are so much more reliable and happier than those who can't	humour happiness	Stephen Fry
0b6bfbb	I don't suppose you would consider peaceful surrender?	humour	Eoin Colfer
2e711a7	"They desecrate Riora's sacred temple! She will be enraged." "Oh, gods, look at the marble. We are all beyond doomed." "Somebody put a plant in front of it!"	humour	Kresley Cole
4e24d3d	"Is this what you do with your spare time?" he asked me, ignoring his sister. "What--are you deciding to talk to me now?" Smiling tightly, I grabbed a handful of mulch and dumped it. Rinse and repeat. "Yeah, it's kind of a hobby. What's yours? Kicking puppies?"	humour katy	Jennifer L. Armentrout
215dc3c	May the fleas of a thousand camels invade the crotch of the person that ruins your day. And may their arms be to short too scratch	revenge happy humour strife funny humor inspirational amusing malediction anger	Keisha Keenleyside
db93b65	The the glow become brighter: a holographic golden sickle with a few sheaves of wheat, rotating just above Meg McCaffrey. A boy in the crowd gasped. 'She's a communist!' A girl who'd been sitting at Cabin Four's table gave him a disgusted sneer. 'No, Damien, that's my mom's symbol.	humour	Rick Riordan
e43f8d0	Mother, who has an absolute belief that it is not the cards that one is dealt in life, it is how one plays them, is, by far, the highest card I was dealt.	humour love	Kay Redfield Jamison
05abd0b	"You're kidding," Shane said. "Do you think I want to visit Crazy McTeeth in his lair of insanity?" "No," Claire said, "but I'm pretty sure you won't like it if I go alone when I just kind of promised to be with you. So...?" "Right. I've been missing Nutty McFang anyway." "Stop making up names for him." "What about Count Crackula?" "Just stop."	humour	Rachel Caine
394929a	It smells terrible in here.' Well, what do you expect? The human body, when confined, produces certain odors which we tend to forget in this age of deodorants and other perversions. Actually, I find the atmosphere of this room rather comforting. Schiller needed the scent of apples rotting in his desk in order to write. I, too, have my needs. You may remember that Mark Twain preferred to lie supinely in bed while composing those rather dated and boring efforts which contemporary scholars try to prove meaningful. Veneration of Mark Twain is one of the roots of our current intellectual stalemate.	humour writing odors stink smells	John Kennedy Toole
92d6b11	It may not feel too classy, begging just to ea	dr-horrible-sing-along-blog musical-song-lyrics heroism individuality humour inspirational	Joss Whedon
2352476	A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.	humour inspirational	W.C. Fields
ff65dc7	And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before--and thus was the Empire forged.	humour humor star-trek-references grammar-humor space-travel science-fiction grammar	Douglas Adams
cea1602	"Otis," I said. "Shhh," he said. "I'm incognito. Call me...Otis." "I'm not sure that's how incognito works, but okay." Otis, aka Otis climbed into the chair I'd reserved for Sam."	humorous humour funny humor humorous-quoations humorous-quotes	Rick Riordan
69463ee	It looked like the sort of book described in library catalogues as 'slightly foxed', although it would be more honest to admit that it looked as though it had been badgered, wolved and possibly beared as well.	humour	Terry Pratchett
ae0a77a	Plants are more courageous than almost all human beings: an orange tree would rather die than produce lemons, whereas instead of dying the average person would rather be someone they are not.	be-yourself acting adage adages aphorisms audacity axiom axioms balls cojones conforming courageousness dictum dictums fit-in hardihood heroism herself human-being intrepidity made-me-think make-you-think maxims motivated moxie murder murdered oneself persons pluckiness pretender pretenders profound provoke-thought quotation spunk standout themselves true-grit daring humour bravery courage inspired people human fear quote inspiration inspire death motivational humor inspirational fearful actor saying lemons conform animal pluck courageous lemon plants nerve boldness motive plant words-to-live-by killed gnomes nonconformity orange maxim tree brave actors façades act grit epigram epigrams gnome produce deep fitting-in valour proverbs facade aphorism pretending quotations sayings pretend conformity gallantry peoples guts standing-out trees animals satire satirical self thought-provoking person himself yourself quotes human-beings thoughtful insightful proverb humans kill fearlessness dead fruit fruits die	Mokokoma Mokhonoana
f1625cc	"Ah! Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans! I was unfortunate enough in my youth to come across a vomit-flavored one, and since then I'm afraid I've rather lost my liking for them -- but I think I'll be safe with a nice toffee, don't you?" He smiled and popped the golden-brown bean into his mouth. "Alas! Ear wax!"	humour toffee	J.K. Rowling
92a12eb	"D'you think he would have thought ahead like that?" said Henry. "Assuredly," said Will. "The man's a strategist." He tapped his temple. "Like me."	humour will	Cassandra Clare
caecda4	I often wonder why the whole world is so prone to generalise. Generalisations are seldom if ever true and are usually utterly inaccurate.	thoughts humour hypocrisy	Agatha Christie
7f82f77	If you're listening to this, congratulations! You survived Doomsday. I'd like to apologize straightaway for any inconvenience the end of the world may have caused you. The earthquakes, rebellions, riots,tornadoes, floods, tsunamis, and of course the giant snake who swallowed the sun--I'm afraid most of that was our fault. Carter and I decided we should at least explain how it happened.	humour funny giant-snake ra tsunamis riordan tornado rebellious riots serpent floods earthquakes survive sun snake funny-and-random sadie-kane destruction	Rick Riordan
2ec3b4a	"Pushing magic toward the candle, I willed it to light. Nothing happened. Irys made a strangled sound and the candle burned. "Are you directing your magic to the candle?" "Yes. Why?" "You just ordered me to light the candle for you," Irys said in exasperation. "And did it."	magic humour	Maria V. Snyder
85fceb1	At least Kyle wasn't home. That would be a hard one to explain to his new roomate. Nobody liked a guy who kept blood in the fridge.	humour city-of-fallen-angels jace-wayland simon-lewis	Cassandra Clare
76a06ff	"Learn to drive?" "Never," said Quentin. "My mission in life is to be a passenger."	humour life passenger	Diana Wynne Jones
56f809c	"Frank couldn't breathe underwater. But where was he? Percy turned in a full circle. Nothing. Then he glanced up. Hovering above him was a giant goldfish. Frank had turned -clothes, backpack, and all- into a koi the size of a teen-aged boy.	humour goldfish koi percy-jackson	rick riordan the mark of athena
43a3fdb	I fell in love with football as I was later to fall in love with women: suddenly, inexplicably, uncritically, giving no thought to the pain or disruption it would bring with it.	humour life fooball	Nick Hornby
a232f2a	"Go Ahead, call me all the names you want," Sansa said airily. "You won't dare when I'm married to Joffrey. You'll have to bow and call me Your Grace." She shrieked as Arya flung the orange across the table. It caught her in the middle of the forehead with a wet squish and plopped down into her lap. "You have juice on your face, Your Grace ," Arya said."	humour sansa-stark	George R.R. Martin
ab2a9b0	This may be my only chance to see humans before these two are made into fertilizer for Moonwind's rosebushes.	humour meet	Tamora Pierce
dc6bb2f	"And what lesson can we draw from Volantene history?" "If you want to conquer the world, you best have dragons."	humour tyrion-lannister george-r-r-martin sci-fi	George R.R. Martin
2787839	I'm not afraid of dying. I'm afraid I'll never get a chance to live!	diamond-eyes humour fantasy inspirational thriller science-fiction crime	A.A. Bell
31d0dee	I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!	humour inspirational	Anne Frank
84f0d00	This was the tricky bit. The really tricky bit, trickiness cubed.	humour hugh-laurie	Hugh Laurie
17230cf	Dios mio, I think my brother lost his balls somewhere between here and Mexico. Or maybe Brittany has them zipped inside that fancy purse (of hers).	humour rules-of-attraction	Simone Elkeles
f6a26d4	More of your conversation would infect my brain.	humour	William Shakespeare
cb6e6b7	A few years ago it dawned on me that everybody past a certain age ... pretty much constantly dreams of being able to escape from their lives. They don't want to be who they are any more. They want out. This list includes Thurston Howell the Third, Ann-Margret, the cat members of Rent, Vaclav Havel, space shuttle astronauts and Snuffleupagus. It's universal.	humour life philosophy	Douglas Coupland
db3a109	Neither of the two people in the room paid any attention to the way I came in, although only one of them was dead.	humour	Raymond Chandler
9d9f74b	You do know you could find yourself charged with being a dominant species while under the influence of impulse-driven consumerism, don't you?	humour humans	Terry Pratchett
d090a78	"The matter with human beans," the BFG went on, "is that they is absolutely refusing to believe in anything unless they is actually seeing it right in front of their own schnozzles."	humour	Roald Dahl
fa44099	Look at all the things that can go wrong for men. There's the nothing-happening-at-all problem, the too-much-happening-too-soon problem, the dismal-droop-after-a-promising-beginning problem; there's the size-doesn't-matter-except-in-my-case problem, the failing-to-deliver-the-goods problem...and what do women have to worry about? A handful of cellulite? Join the club. A spot of I-wonder-how-I-rank? Ditto.	sex man men humour humor hornby nick-hornby manly manliness nick	Nick Hornby
921d364	Colon thought Carrot was simple. Carrot often struck people as simple. And he was. Where people went wrong was thinking that simple meant the same thing as stupid.	humour stupidity intelligence	Terry Pratchett
5877c2f	"Who or what inspires you?" "I must admit that I often read my own articles in scientific journals and inspire myself."	humour inpiration self-absorbed	Eoin Colfer
bb62083	He awoke at six, as usual. He needed no alarm clock. He was already comprehensively alarmed.	humour	Martin Amis
6c4aed0	Everywhere's been where it is ever since it was first put there. It's called geography.	humour humor	Terry Pratchett
cf274cc	He is really not so ugly after all, provided, of course, that one shuts one's eyes, and does not look at him.	humour	Oscar Wilde
7667606	"So," I (Percy) said glumly. "We're going to get a ride from your brother, huh?" Artemis's silver eyes gleamed. "Yes, boy. You see, Bianca di Angelo is not the only one with an annoying brother. It's time for you to meet my irresponsible twin, Apollo."	humour bianca-di-angelo nico-diangelo artemis nico nico-di-angelo	Rick Riordan
f03abc3	"Could be. I'm a pretty dangerous dude when I'm cornered." "Yeah," said the voice from under the table, "you go to pieces so fast people get hit by the shrapnel."	humour fear useless panic	Douglas Adams
4f1a42a	Never trust a species that grins all the time. It's up to something.	humour ulterior-motive	Terry Pratchett
406ba4d	"Dwarfs were not a naturally religious species, but in a world where pit props could crack without warning and pockets of fire damp could suddenly explode they'd seen the need for gods as the sort of supernatural equivalent of a hard hat. Besides, when you hit your thumb with an eight-pound hammer it's nice to be able to blaspheme. It takes a very special and strong-minded kind of atheist to jump up and down with their hand clasped under their other armpit and shout, "Oh, random-fluctuations-in-the-space-time-continuum!" or "Aaargh, primitive-and-outmoded-concept on a crutch!"	humour funny religion	Terry Pratchett
0de7575	"Rockabye Baby, in the treetop Dont you know a treetop is no safe place to rock? And who put you up there, and your cradle too? Baby,	humour philosophy nursery-rhyme	Shel Silverstein
bcb3be6	Like the famous mad philosopher said, when you stare into the void, the void stares also; but if you cast into the void, you get a type conversion error. (Which just goes to show Nietzsche wasn't a C++ programmer.)	humour	Charles Stross
386b958	They said I was a valued customer, now they send me hate mail.	humour humor shopping	Sophie Kinsella
9632759	Can I request another peer guide, One who isn't so happy to be at school at 7:30 a.m.?	humour rules-of-attraction	Simone Elkeles
61cbb07	"Sam's hand brushed her shoulder, and she almost jumped out of her skin as he brought his mouth close to her ear and murmured, "You look beautiful. Though I bet you already know that." She most certainly did."	humour humor humourous lol	Sarah J. Maas
24be102	My dad gave me a present once,' Nico said. 'It was a zombie.' Reyna stared at him. 'What?' 'His name is Jules-Albert. He's French.' 'A... French zombie?	humour zombie reyna nico-di-angelo	Rick Riordan
60dc4e0	Our problems started in Dallas, when the fire-breathing sheep destroyed the King Tut exhibit.	humour funny giant-snake ra tsunamis riordan tornado rebellious riots serpent floods earthquakes survive sun snake funny-and-random sadie-kane destruction	Rick Riordan
0425edb	Note for Americans and other aliens: Milton Keynes is a new city approximately halfway between London and Birmingham. It was built to be modern, efficient, healthy, and, all in all, a pleasant place to live. Many Britons find this amusing.	humour humor geography	Neil Gaiman
0ee1e67	An old joke has an Oxford professor meeting an American former graduate student and asking him what he's working on these days. 'My thesis is on the survival of the class system in the United States.' 'Oh really, that's interesting: one didn't think there was a class system in the United States.' 'Nobody does. That's how it survives.	humour united-states joke	Christopher Hitchens
7b36dae	"I shot him a look. "That bouncer was really big." His lips quirked. "Oh, Kitten, see, I try not to say bad things." "What?" The grin spread. "I would say size doesn't matter but it does. I would know." he winked, and I let out a disgusted groan. He laughed."	humorous humour humor	Jennifer L. Armentrout
6de5d4c	"If you want to know the Correct term for me, I'm a Dark-Hunter." Nick digested that word slowly. "Which means what? You hunt darkness?" "Yes, Nick. That's exactly what I do. There's just not enough of it." Now, there was some sarcasm you could cut with a knife." --	humour humor	Sherrilyn Kenyon
3353b9c	I've had so many bikini waxes, I cry every time I see a Popsicle stick.	humour funny humor bikini-wax girly shaving girls girl	Libba Bray
53fee52	Idiots emit bogons, causing machinery to malfunction in their presence. System administrators absorb bogons, letting machinery work again.	humour idiots computers hacker-folklore it	Charles Stross
ce9e6fa	There's nothing deeper than love. In fairy tales, the princesses kiss the frogs, and the frogs become princes. In real life,the princesses kiss princes, and the princes turn into frogs.	humour love ugly-truths cynical	Paulo Coelho
13b44c3	Whatever, crazy chick who maybe lives here and maybe also breaks into Michael's house when they're all gone. I'm out. Have a nice delusion. -Shayne	humour morganville-vampires delusion	Rachel Caine
47cff92	"Does it give you deja voodoo how alike the houses are?" "That's deja vu, and I hate you right now"	humour	Rachel Caine
b9e225d	"Were you proposing to shoot these people in cold blood, sergeant?" "Nossir. Just a warning shot inna head, sir."	humour siege-engines trolls	Terry Pratchett
e2765c2	"When she emerged, Keith was watching the tiny round window of the under-the-counter washing machine. "Put your clothes in for a wash," he said. "They were disgusting." Ginny always thought that the only way of getting clothes clean was by drowning them in scalding water and then whipping them around in a violent centrifugal motion that caused the entire washing machine to vibrate and the floor to shake. You beat them clean. You made them suffer. This machine used about half a cup of water and was about as violent as a toaster, plus it stopped every few minutes, as if it were exhausted from the effort of turning itself. Sluff, sluff, sluff sluff. Rest. Rest. Rest. Click. Sluff, sluff, sluff, sluff. Rest. Rest. Rest. "Who thought to put a window on a washing machine?" Keith asked. "Does anyone just sit and watch their wash?" You mean, besides us?" "Well," he said, "yeah. Is there any coffee?"	humour humor ginny keith	Maureen Johnson
32b7629	"Grover and Nico came back from their walk, and Grover helped me fix up my wounded arm. "It's green!" Nico said with delight."	humour nico-diangelo percy-jackson nico-di-angelo	Rick Riordan
8a5ca00	"Sam's phone buzzed. She fished it out of her pocket, checked the screen, and cursed. "I have to go." "You just got here." "Valkyrie business. Possible code three-eight-one: heroic death in progress." "You're making that up." "I'm not." "So...what, somebody thinks they're about to die and they text you 'Going down! Need Valkyrie ASAP!' followed by a bunch of sad-face emojis?"	humorous humour funny humor humorous-quote humorous-quotations	Rick Riordan
12ed3ce	"Have I missed a national holiday? There must be celebrations in the streets for you to be home at this hour of the day." "I'm calling it Summerset Goes Mute Day. The city's gone mad with joy."	humour summerset	J.D. Robb
0c4693b	Charm is often despised but I can never see why. No one has it who isn't capable of genuinely liking others, at least at the actual moment of meeting and speaking. Charm is always genuine; it may be superficial but it isn't false.	humour humor xan theo false genuine	P.D. James
c2cc5ca	"I was not so comfortable with my new authority that I could say 'We eat the chicken now!' but the magus had seen that I was considering it... "My purse is full enough," said the magus, "to keep you supplied with roast chickens." "So, so, so," I said. "We know who the power behind the throne is," and the magus laughed. "You eat more than Gen did after prison," he said. "I have more sympathy with him all the time. Are you going to finish that drumstick?" I asked. "I am. Stop staring at it."	humour eating	Megan Whalen Turner
45cf8cb	Pissing is the least of my talents. You ought to see me shit	humour tyrion-lannister george-r-r-martin	George R.R. Martin
6d7a679	"Augustus Waters was a self-aggrandizing bastard. But we forgive him. We forgive him not because he had a heart as figuratively good as his literal one sucked, or because he knew more about how to hold a cigarette than any nonsmoker in history, or because he got eighteen years when he should've gotten more." "Seventeen," Gus corrected. "I'm assuming you've got some time, you interrupting bastard. "I'm telling you," Isaac continued, "Augustus Waters talked so much that he'd interrupt you at his own funeral. And he was pretentious: Sweet Jesus Christ, that kid never took a piss without pondering the abundant metaphorical resonances of human waste production. And he was vain: I do not believe I have ever met a more physically attractive person who was more acutely aware of his own physical attractiveness. "But I will say this: When the scientists of the future show up at my house with robot eyes and they tell me to try them on, I will tell the scientists to screw off, because I do not want to see a world without him." [...] "And then, having made my rhetorical point, I will put my robot eyes on, because I mean, with robot eyes you can probably see through girls' shirts and stuff. Augustus, my friend, Godspeed." Augustus nodded for a while, his lips pursed, and then gave Isaac a thumbs-up. After he'd recovered his composure, he added, "I would cut the bit about seeing through girls' shirts." Isaac was still clinging to the lectern. He started to cry. He pressed his forehead down to the podium and I watched his shoulders shake, and then finally, he said, "Goddamn it, Augustus, editing your own eulogy."	humour eulogy	John Green
5c15fc8	Joel Cairo: You always have a very smooth explanation ready. Sam Spade: What do you want me to do, learn to stutter?	humour	Dashiell Hammett
71aced8	The waiter approached. 'Would you like to see the menu?' he said. 'Or would you like to meet the Dish of the Day?' 'Huh?' said Ford. 'Huh?' said Arthur. 'Huh?' said Trillian. 'That's cool,' said Zaphod. 'We'll meet the meat.	humour	Douglas Adams
acc3225	Got to say, dying would really wreck my best day. Been there, done that, and now that I think about it, Artemis forgot to give me the t-shirt.	humour	Sherrilyn Kenyon
506a9a0	He hated being filled with terror. It was embarrassing.	humour fear leo-valdez	Rick Riordan
b8abda9	"Torture?" she asked with a laugh. "My first piece of information I'll divulge to you? I wouldn't recommend trying to torture me. I dislike it and grow sulky under pincers. It's a fault."	humour	Kresley Cole
e0b92ac	You don't scare me, Cadence Jones. I've lived with crazy, I've ridden with crazy, I've vacationed with crazy, I've visited crazy in various hospitals, I've sat in on therapy sessions with crazy. Frankly, I think women who don't have major emotional disorders are really very dull.	humour funny humor	MaryJanice Davidson
cd7da28	Some guys step on a rake in the dark, and get mad and go punch somebody. Others step on a rake in the dark and fall down laughing at themselves. I know which kind of guy I'd rather be. So do my friends.	humour friendship comedy sf	Spider Robinson
e47d43b	When they're together, the world could fall apart around them and they'd never notice or care as long as they have each other.	humour romance young-adult-romance young-adult-fiction	Simone Elkeles
ce364b5	Racism was not a problem on the Discworld, because--what with trolls and dwarfs and so on--speciesism was more interesting. Black and white lived in perfect harmony and ganged up on green.	racism humour speciesism	Terry Pratchett
cedaf93	"Oliver, calm down!" said Fred, looking slightly alarmed. "We're taking Hufflepuff very seriously. ."	humour	J.K. Rowling
085c627	"Blessed are the meek, for to them we shall say "attaboy"."	humour	Christopher Moore
7000607	"Yes, an actual full-sized camel. If you find that confusing, just think how the criosphinx must have felt. Where did the camel come from, you ask? I may have mentioned Walt's collection of amulets. Two of them summoned disgusting camels. I'd met them before, so I was less than excited when a ton of dromedary flesh flew across my line of sight, plowed into the sphinx, and collapsed on top of it. The sphinx growled in outrage as it tried to free itself. The camel grunted and farted. "Hindenburg," I said. Only one camel could possibly fart that badly. "Walt, why in the world--?" "Sorry!" he yelled. "Wrong amulet!" The technique worked, at any rate. The camel wasn't much of a fighter, but it was quite heavy and clumsy. The criosphinx snarled and clawed at the floor, trying unsuccessfully to push the camel off; but Hindenburg just splayed his legs, made alarmed honking sounds, and let loose gas. I moved to Walt's side and tried to get my bearings."	humour funny giant-snake ra tsunamis riordan tornado rebellious riots serpent floods earthquakes survive sun snake funny-and-random sadie-kane destruction	Rick Riordan
8ffe605	I'm going to see if Morris has a spare spine lying around you can borrow if you're scared to speak to that high-heeled, smug-ass bitch, Peabody.	humour peabody	J.D. Robb
e400d1e	The weather had freshened almost to coldness, for the wind was coming more easterly, from the chilly currents between Tristan and the Cape; the sloth was amazed by the change; it shunned the deck and spent its time below. Jack was in his cabin, pricking the chart with less satisfaction than he could have wished: progress, slow, serious trouble with the mainmast-- unaccountable headwinds by night-- and sipping a glass of grog; Stephen was in the mizentop, teaching Bonden to write and scanning the sea for his first albatross. The sloth sneezed, and looking up, Jack caught its gaze fixed upon him; its inverted face had an expression of anxiety and concern. 'Try a piece of this, old cock,' he said, dipping his cake in the grog and proffering the sop. 'It might put a little heart into you.' The sloth sighed, closed its eyes, but gently absorbed the piece, and sighed again. Some minutes later he felt a touch upon his knee: the sloth had silently climbed down and it was standing there, its beady eyes looking up into his face, bright with expectation. More cake, more grog: growing confidence and esteem. After this, as soon as the drum had beat the retreat, the sloth would meet him, hurrying toward the door on its uneven legs: it was given its own bowl, and it would grip it with its claws, lowering its round face into it and pursing its lips to drink (its tongue was too short to lap). Sometimes it went to sleep in this position, bowed over the emptiness. 'In this bucket,' said Stephen, walking into the cabin, 'in this small half-bucket, now, I have the population of Dublin, London, and Paris combined: these animalculae-- what is the matter with the sloth?' It was curled on Jack's knee, breathing heavily: its bowl and Jack's glass stood empty on the table. Stephen picked it up, peered into its affable bleary face, shook it, and hung it upon its rope. It seized hold with one fore and one hind foot, letting the others dangle limp, and went to sleep. Stephen looked sharply round, saw the decanter, smelt to the sloth, and cried, 'Jack, you have debauched my sloth.	humour drunkenness	Patrick O'Brian
9761f0c	Never did she find anything so difficult as to keep herself from losing her temper when she was suddenly disturbed while absorbed in a book.	humour reading truths	Frances Hodgson Burnett
3d4bf8c	Even from far away, I could see people being chased by hellhounds, burned at the stake, forced to run naked through cactus patches or listen to opera music.	humour	Rick Riordan
e8ebde7	It struck him that how you spent Christmas was a message to the world about where you were in life, some indication of how deep a hole you had managed to burrow for yourself	humour	Nick Hornby
f596190	Nothing makes you think you might need years of therapy like saying the word breasts in front of your mother.	humour fiction funny dare-you-to new-release ryan-stone katie-mcgarry breasts ya	Katie McGarry
cd0773d	"Fred and George turned to each other and said together, "Wow -- we're identical!"	humour	J.K. Rowling
2f112ca	I've decided to call him Norbert,' said Hagrid, looking at the dragon with misty eyes. 'He really knows me now, watch. Norbert! Norbert! Where's Mummy?' 'He's lost his marbles,' Ron muttered in Harry's ear. 'Hagrid,' said Harry loudly, 'give it a fortnight and Norbert's going to be as big as your house. Malfoy could go to Dumbledore at any moment. Hagrid bit his lip. 'I- I know I can't jus' dump him, I can't.' Harry suddenly turned to Ron. 'Charlie,' he said. 'You're losing it too,' said Ron. 'I'm Ron, remember?	humour ron-weasley	J.K. Rowling
45dd518	Allegra's Austen wrote about the impact of financial need on the intimate lives of women. If she'd worked in a bookstore, Allegra would have shelved Austen in the horror section.	humour	Karen Joy Fowler

I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.

Douglas Adams

c324a6c

When I was your age, television was called books.

humour fantasy

William Goldman

64515ca

"Headline?" he asked. "'Swing Set Needs Home,'" I said. "'Desperately Lonely Swing Set Needs Loving Home,'" he said. "'Lonely, Vaguely Pedophilic Swing Set Seeks the Butts of Children,'" I said."

humour humor pedophile pedophilia john-green tfios the-fault-in-our-stars internet

John Green

0ff945a

I've been fighting to be who I am all my life. What's the point of being who I am, if I can't have the person who was worth all the fighting for?

lover humour relationships romance funny spiritual love inspirational wife husband fighting sweet

Stephanie Lennox

cd7411d

So you're a Shadowhunter,' Nate said. 'De Quincey told me that you lot were monsters.' 'Was that before or after he tried to eat you?' Will inquired.

humour nathaniel-gray will-herondale wit

Cassandra Clare

9fd2e9c

"It would seem that you have no useful skill or talent whatsoever," he said. "Have you thought of going into teaching?"

humour humor teaching

Terry Pratchett

29a236a

"Just because you said dragon demons were extinct--" "I said mostly extinct." Alec jabbed a finger toward him. "Mostly extinct," he said, his voice trembling with rage, "is NOT EXTINCT ENOUGH." "I see," said Jace. "I'll just have them change the entry in the demonology textbook from 'almost extinct' to 'not extinct enough for Alec. He prefers his monsters really, really extinct.' Will that make you happy?"

humour city-of-ashes jace-wayland

Cassandra Clare

f03cd22

I'd rather be a rising ape than a falling angel.

humour inspirational

Terry Pratchett

6c987d8

"You're not very nice," I say, grinning. "You're one to talk." "Hey, I could be nice if I tried." "Hmm." He taps his chin. "Say something nice, then." "You're very good-looking." He smiles, his teeth a flash in this dark. "I like this 'nice' thing."

humour divergent tris-and-tobias four tris tobias divergent-series

veronica roth

b16d303

If complete and utter chaos was lightning, then he'd be the sort to stand on a hilltop in a thunderstorm wearing wet copper armour and shouting 'All gods are bastards!

humour stupidity religion

Terry Pratchett

c5f4996

FEAR stands for fuck everything and run.

humour stephen-king

Stephen King

64ce1b7

Ethan Wyeth: I hope you're thirsty.

humour funny stupid

Orson Scott Card

4552070

The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius.

humour oscar-wilde

Oscar Wilde

9b188b0

We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!

humour doubt life uncertainty

Douglas Adams

9662f09

While the Clave disapproves of trespassers, oddly they take an even darker view of beheading and skinning people. They're peculiar that way.

humour will-herondale sarcasm

Cassandra Clare

6a63f0d

On the whole human beings want to be good, but not too good, and not quite all the time.

humour philosophy human-nature

George Orwell

f03a744

Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the western spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-two million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea.

earth humour unfashionable watches primitive cosmology galaxy digital perspective

Douglas Adams

fb360cc

Darling, when things go wrong in life, you lift your chin, put on a ravishing smile, mix yourself a little cocktail...

humour inspirational lifestyle women-s-strength

Sophie Kinsella

e74f3f0

Failed relationships can be described as so much wasted make-up.

humour relationships women love

Marian Keyes

3fdc88d

"But the plans were on display..." "On display? I eventually had to go down to the cellar to find them." "That's the display department." "With a flashlight." "Ah, well, the lights had probably gone." "So had the stairs." "But look, you found the notice, didn't you?" "Yes," said Arthur, "yes I did. It was on display in the bottom of a locked filing cabinet stuck in a disused lavatory with a sign on the door saying 'Beware of the Leopard." --

humour demolition department bypass bureaucracy house

Douglas Adams

4ec8aab

"You stole a boat," she snapped. "What am I doing with you, you boat-stealing lunatic?"

humour

Cassandra Clare

7cc7945

A man who trusts everyone is a fool and a man who trusts no one is a fool. We are all fools if we live long enough.

humour

Robert Jordan

393954c

"THAT'S IT!" Terminus cried. "That's AGAINST THE RULES!" Polybotes frowned, obviously confused that he was being told off by a statue. "What are you?" he growled. "Shut up!" He pushed the statue over and turned back to Percy. "Now I'm MAD!" Terminus shrieked. "I'm strangling you. Feel that? Those are my hands around your neck, you big bully. Get over here! I'm going to head-butt you so hard--"

humour fiction-fantasy terminus polybotes the-son-of-neptune percy-jackson rick-riordan

Rick Riordan

0e13105

"Thorne scoffed. " is my middle name. Right after and ." "Do you even know what you're saying half the time?" asked Cinder."

humour lih-cinder

Marissa Meyer

d86ae0e

Humor is what happens when we're told the truth quicker and more directly than we're used to.

humour

George Saunders

53f0d5d

"What's so unpleasant about being drunk?" "Ask a glass of water!"

humour jokes

Douglas Adams

ff8b285

"Hello? This is Clary Fairchild." "Clary? It's me, Emma." "Oh, Emma, hi! I haven't heard from you in ages. My mom says thanks for the wedding flowers, by the way. She wanted to send a note but Luke whisked her away on a honeymoon to Tahiti." "Tahiti sounds nice." "It probably is -- Jace, what are you doing with that thing? There is no way it'll fit." "Is this a bad time?" "What? No! Jace is trying to drag a trebuchet into the training room. Alec, stop helping him." "What's a trebuchet?" "It's a huge catapult." "What are they going to use it for?" "I have no idea. Alec, you're enabling! You're an enabler!" "Maybe it is a bad time." "I doubt there'll be a better one. Is something wrong? Is there anything I can do?" "I think we have your cat." "What?" "Your cat. Big fuzzy Blue Persian? Always looks angry? Julian says it's your cat. He says he saw it at the New York Institute. Well, saw him. It's a boy cat." "Church? You have Church? But I thought -- well, we knew he was gone. We thought Brother Zachariah took him. Isabelle was annoyed, but they seemed to know each other. I've never seen Church actually likeanyone like that." "I don't know if he likes anyone here. He bit Julian twice. Oh, wait. Julian says he likes Ty. He's asleep on Ty's bed." "How did you wind up with him?" "Someone rang our front doorbell. Diana, she's our tutor, went down to see what it was. Church was in a cage on the front step with a note tied to it. It said For Emma. This is Church, a longtime friend of the Carstairs. Take care of this cat and he will take care of you. --J." "Brother Zachariah left you a cat." "But I don't even really know him. And he's not a Silent Brother any more." "You may not know him, but he clearly knows you." "What do you think the J stands for?" "His real name. Look, Emma, if he wants you to have Church, and you want Church, you should keep him." "Are you sure? The Lightwoods --" 'They're both standing here nodding. Well, Alec is partially trapped under a trebuchet, but he seems to be nodding." "Jules says we'd like to keep him. We used to have a cat named Oscar, but he died, and, well, Church seems to be good for Ty's nightmares." "Oh, honey. I think, really, he's Brother Zachariah's cat. And if he wants you to have him, then you should." "Why does Brother Zachariah want to protect me? It's like he knows me, but I don't know why he knows me." "I don't exactly know ... But I know Tessa. She's his -- well, girlfriend seems not the right word for it. They've known each other a long, long time. I have a feeling they're both watching over you." "That's good. I have a feeling we're going to need it." "Emma -- oh my God. The trebuchet just crashed through the floor. I have to go. Call me later." "But we can keep the cat?" "You can keep the cat."

humour clary-fairchild jace-herondale shadowhunters the-dark-artifices emma-carstairs

Cassandra Clare

9691d41

The universe contains any amount of horrible ways to be woken up, such as the noise of the mob breaking down the front door, the scream of fire engines, or the realization that today is the Monday which on Friday night was a comfortably long way off. A dog's wet nose is not strictly speaking the worst of the bunch, but it has its own peculiar dreadfulness which connoisseurs of the ghastly and dog owners everywhere have come to know and dread. It's like having a small piece of defrosting liver pressed lovingly against you.

humour

Terry Pratchett

888e773

The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.

humour politics ridicule idiocy ideas

Bill Maher

51e20f5

You will suffer, son of Hades!' What else is new? Nico thought.

suffering humour life nico-di-angelo

Rick Riordan

a15cef1

The eidolons started pounding on the door. 'Who is it?' Leo called. 'Valdez!' 'Valdez who?

humour knock leo-valdez

Rick Riordan

3c25d83

All worthy work is open to interpretations the author did not intend. Art isn't your pet -- it's your kid. It grows up and talks back to you.

humour inspirational interpretation art

Joss Whedon

6417850

For Children: You will need to know the difference between Friday and a fried egg. It's quite a simple difference, but an important one. Friday comes at the end of the week, whereas a fried egg comes out of a chicken. Like most things, of course, it isn't quite that simple. The fried egg isn't properly a fried egg until it's been put in a frying pan and fried. This is something you wouldn't do to a Friday, of course, though you might do it on a Friday. You can also fry eggs on a Thursday, if you like, or on a cooker. It's all rather complicated, but it makes a kind of sense if you think about it for a while.

humour fried-egg

Douglas Adams

af00a0b

My shining dishonesty will be the salvation of me.

lying humour salvation

Diana Wynne Jones

db8fc77

"My point is that I am going to figure this out, like I always do. First, we're going to find a way to get into Artemisia. We're going to find Cress and rescue Cinder and Wolf. We're going to overthrow Levana, and by the stars above, we are going to make Cinder a queen so she can pay us a lot of money from her royal coffers and we can all retire very rich and very alive, got it?" Winter started to clap. "Brilliant speech. Such gumption and bravado." "And yet strangely lacking in any sort of actual strategy," said Scarlet. "Oh, good, I'm glad you noticed that too," said Iko. "I was worried my processor might be glitching."

humour iko scarlet-benoit winter-hayle-blackburn

Marissa Meyer

2dfb210

The wish of death had been palpably hanging over this otherwise idyllic paradise for a good many years

young-adult humour romance inspirational thriller

John Richard Spencer

de94f8f

She was an idiot. An adorable, gorgeous, feisty, funny, sweet, sexy idiot.

humour romance funny

Sarah Mayberry

321c232

"Look!" said Foaly, pointing with some urgency into the vast steel-gray gloom, "Someone who cares!"

humour humor foaly

Eoin Colfer

495777f

"You're not allowed to call them dinosaurs any more," said Yo-less. "It's speciesist. You have to call them pre-petroleum persons."

humour euphemism political-correctness

Terry Pratchett

67c266b

"Now-what's our game plan?" Coach Hedge belched. He'd already had three espressos and a plate of doughnuts, along with two napkins and another flower from the vase on the table. He would've eaten the silverware, except Piper had slapped his hand. "Climb the mountain," Hedge said. "Kill everything except Piper's dad. Leave." "Thank you General Eisenhower," Jason grumbles." --

humour jason-grace

Rick Riordan

3ebb593

"Now-what's our game plan?" Coach Hedge belched. He'd already had three espressos and a plate of doughnuts, along with two napkins and another flower from the vase on the table. He would've eaten the silverware, except Piper had slapped his hand. "Climb the mountain," Hedge said. "Kill everything except Piper's dad. Leave." "Thank you General Eisenhower," Jason grumbles."

humour jason-grace

Rick Riordan

644f3ba

"Let us find the dam snack bar," Zoe said. "We should eat while we can." Grover cracked a smile. "The dam snack bar?" Zoe blinked. "Yes. What is funny?" "Nothing," Grover said, trying to keep a straight face. "I could use some dam french fries." Even Thalia smiled at that. "And I need to use the dam restroom." Maybe it was the fact that we were so tired and strung out emotionally, but I started cracking up, and Thalia and Grover joined in, while Zoe just looked at us. "I do not understand." "I want to use the dam water fountain," Grover said. "And..." Thalia tried to catch her breath. "I want to buy a dam T-shirt." I busted up, and I probably would've kept laughing all day, but then I heard a noise: "Moooo." The smile melted off my face. I wondered if the noise was just in my head, but Grover had stopped laughing too. He was looking around, confused. "Did I just hear a cow?" "A dam cow?" Thalia laughed."

humour thalia-grace zoe-nightshade percy-jackson

Rick Riordan

b78b5bb

You can't give her that!' she screamed. 'It's not safe!' IT'S A SWORD, said the Hogfather. THEY'RE NOT MEANT TO BE SAFE. 'She's a child!' shouted Crumley. IT'S EDUCATIONAL. 'What if she cuts herself?' THAT WILL BE AN IMPORTANT LESSON.

lessons humour death humor discworld hogfather important-lessons swords

Terry Pratchett

ad65bae

Here's a basic difference between Morelli and me. My first thought was always of cake. His first thought was always of sex. Don't get me wrong. I like sex . . . a lot. But it's never going to replace cake.

humour

Janet Evanovich

a6bd708

"According to Festus, our flying table, Buford, made it back safely while we were in Charleston, so those eagles didn't get him. Unfortunately, he lost the laundry bag with your pants." "Dang it!" Frank Barked, which Leo figured was probably severe profanity for him. No doubt Frank would've cursed some more -busting out the golly gees and the gosh darns- but Percy interrupted by doubling over and groaning.

humour percy-jackson frank-zhang jason-grace leo-valdez

rick riordan the mark of athena

797615f

A man when he is making up to anybody can be cordial and gallant and full of little attentions and altogether charming. But when a man is really in love he can't help looking like a sheep.

lovers humour love sheep

Agatha Christie

8b2e49b

...I doubt very seriously whether anyone will hire me.' What do you mean, babe? You a fine boy with a good education.' Employers sense in me a denial of their values.' He rolled over onto his back. 'They fear me. I suspect that they can see that I am forced to function in a century I loathe. This was true even when I worked for the New Orleans Public Library.

humour work humor

John Kennedy Toole

7765298

"Who's Kreacher?" "The house-elf who lives here," said Ron. "Nutter. Never met one like him." "He is not a nutter," said Hermione. "His life's ambition is to have his head cut off and stuck up on a plaque like his mother", said Ron. "Is that normal, Hermione?"

humour kreacher ron-weasley

J.K. Rowling

e5a8d22

Why do only the awful things become fads? I thought. Eye-rolling and Barbie and bread pudding. Why never chocolate cheesecake or thinking for yourself?

humour independence bellwether fads

Connie Willis

fc0fdc2

A smell of burned hair and cotton wafted into the air as I spun toward my desk. There was a low whine from the desk and then smoke billowed out of my closed laptop. I gaped. My precious, perfectly brand new laptop I cherished like one would a small child. Son of a mother... Friend or not, it was so on

humour book-nerd laptop

Jennifer L. Armentrout

b0ff3ee

"Sure you can manage that broom, Potter?" said a cold, drawling voice. Draco Malfoy had arrived for a closer look, Crabbe and Goyle right behind him. "Yeah, reckon so," said Harry casually. "Got plenty of special features, hasn't it?" said Malfoy, eyes glittering maliciously. "Shame it doesn't come with a parachute - in case you get too near a Dementor." Crabbe and Goyle sniggered. "Pity you can't attach an extra arm to yours, Malfoy," said Harry. "Then it could catch the Snitch for you."

harry-potter humour snitch

J.K. Rowling

5314fc4

"You ride as a man, fight as a man, and you think as a man-" "I think as a human being," she retorted hotly. "Men don't think any differently from women- they just make more noise about being able to."

humour gender-stereotypes

Tamora Pierce

cea0da9

People who can change and change again are so much more reliable and happier than those who can't

humour happiness

Stephen Fry

0b6bfbb

I don't suppose you would consider peaceful surrender?

humour

Eoin Colfer

2e711a7

"They desecrate Riora's sacred temple! She will be enraged." "Oh, gods, look at the marble. We are all beyond doomed." "Somebody put a plant in front of it!"

humour

Kresley Cole

4e24d3d

"Is this what you do with your spare time?" he asked me, ignoring his sister. "What--are you deciding to talk to me now?" Smiling tightly, I grabbed a handful of mulch and dumped it. Rinse and repeat. "Yeah, it's kind of a hobby. What's yours? Kicking puppies?"

humour katy

Jennifer L. Armentrout

215dc3c

May the fleas of a thousand camels invade the crotch of the person that ruins your day. And may their arms be to short too scratch

revenge happy humour strife funny humor inspirational amusing malediction anger

Keisha Keenleyside

db93b65

The the glow become brighter: a holographic golden sickle with a few sheaves of wheat, rotating just above Meg McCaffrey. A boy in the crowd gasped. 'She's a communist!' A girl who'd been sitting at Cabin Four's table gave him a disgusted sneer. 'No, Damien, that's my mom's symbol.

humour

Rick Riordan

e43f8d0

Mother, who has an absolute belief that it is not the cards that one is dealt in life, it is how one plays them, is, by far, the highest card I was dealt.

humour love

Kay Redfield Jamison

05abd0b

"You're kidding," Shane said. "Do you think I want to visit Crazy McTeeth in his lair of insanity?" "No," Claire said, "but I'm pretty sure you won't like it if I go alone when I just kind of promised to be with you. So...?" "Right. I've been missing Nutty McFang anyway." "Stop making up names for him." "What about Count Crackula?" "Just stop."

humour

Rachel Caine

394929a

It smells terrible in here.' Well, what do you expect? The human body, when confined, produces certain odors which we tend to forget in this age of deodorants and other perversions. Actually, I find the atmosphere of this room rather comforting. Schiller needed the scent of apples rotting in his desk in order to write. I, too, have my needs. You may remember that Mark Twain preferred to lie supinely in bed while composing those rather dated and boring efforts which contemporary scholars try to prove meaningful. Veneration of Mark Twain is one of the roots of our current intellectual stalemate.

humour writing odors stink smells

John Kennedy Toole

92d6b11

It may not feel too classy, begging just to ea

dr-horrible-sing-along-blog musical-song-lyrics heroism individuality humour inspirational

Joss Whedon

2352476

A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

humour inspirational

W.C. Fields

ff65dc7

And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before--and thus was the Empire forged.

humour humor star-trek-references grammar-humor space-travel science-fiction grammar

Douglas Adams

cea1602

"Otis," I said. "Shhh," he said. "I'm incognito. Call me...Otis." "I'm not sure that's how incognito works, but okay." Otis, aka Otis climbed into the chair I'd reserved for Sam."

humorous humour funny humor humorous-quoations humorous-quotes

Rick Riordan

69463ee

It looked like the sort of book described in library catalogues as 'slightly foxed', although it would be more honest to admit that it looked as though it had been badgered, wolved and possibly beared as well.

humour

Terry Pratchett

ae0a77a

Plants are more courageous than almost all human beings: an orange tree would rather die than produce lemons, whereas instead of dying the average person would rather be someone they are not.

be-yourself acting adage adages aphorisms audacity axiom axioms balls cojones conforming courageousness dictum dictums fit-in hardihood heroism herself human-being intrepidity made-me-think make-you-think maxims motivated moxie murder murdered oneself persons pluckiness pretender pretenders profound provoke-thought quotation spunk standout themselves true-grit daring humour bravery courage inspired people human fear quote inspiration inspire death motivational humor inspirational fearful actor saying lemons conform animal pluck courageous lemon plants nerve boldness motive plant words-to-live-by killed gnomes nonconformity orange maxim tree brave actors façades act grit epigram epigrams gnome produce deep fitting-in valour proverbs facade aphorism pretending quotations sayings pretend conformity gallantry peoples guts standing-out trees animals satire satirical self thought-provoking person himself yourself quotes human-beings thoughtful insightful proverb humans kill fearlessness dead fruit fruits die

Mokokoma Mokhonoana

f1625cc

"Ah! Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans! I was unfortunate enough in my youth to come across a vomit-flavored one, and since then I'm afraid I've rather lost my liking for them -- but I think I'll be safe with a nice toffee, don't you?" He smiled and popped the golden-brown bean into his mouth. "Alas! Ear wax!"

humour toffee

J.K. Rowling

92a12eb

"D'you think he would have thought ahead like that?" said Henry. "Assuredly," said Will. "The man's a strategist." He tapped his temple. "Like me."

humour will

Cassandra Clare

caecda4

I often wonder why the whole world is so prone to generalise. Generalisations are seldom if ever true and are usually utterly inaccurate.

thoughts humour hypocrisy

Agatha Christie

7f82f77

If you're listening to this, congratulations! You survived Doomsday. I'd like to apologize straightaway for any inconvenience the end of the world may have caused you. The earthquakes, rebellions, riots,tornadoes, floods, tsunamis, and of course the giant snake who swallowed the sun--I'm afraid most of that was our fault. Carter and I decided we should at least explain how it happened.

humour funny giant-snake ra tsunamis riordan tornado rebellious riots serpent floods earthquakes survive sun snake funny-and-random sadie-kane destruction

Rick Riordan

2ec3b4a

"Pushing magic toward the candle, I willed it to light. Nothing happened. Irys made a strangled sound and the candle burned. "Are you directing your magic to the candle?" "Yes. Why?" "You just ordered me to light the candle for you," Irys said in exasperation. "And did it."

magic humour

Maria V. Snyder

85fceb1

At least Kyle wasn't home. That would be a hard one to explain to his new roomate. Nobody liked a guy who kept blood in the fridge.

humour city-of-fallen-angels jace-wayland simon-lewis

Cassandra Clare

76a06ff

"Learn to drive?" "Never," said Quentin. "My mission in life is to be a passenger."

humour life passenger

Diana Wynne Jones

56f809c

"Frank couldn't breathe underwater. But where was he? Percy turned in a full circle. Nothing. Then he glanced up. Hovering above him was a giant goldfish. Frank had turned -clothes, backpack, and all- into a koi the size of a teen-aged boy.

humour goldfish koi percy-jackson

rick riordan the mark of athena

43a3fdb

I fell in love with football as I was later to fall in love with women: suddenly, inexplicably, uncritically, giving no thought to the pain or disruption it would bring with it.

humour life fooball

Nick Hornby

a232f2a

"Go Ahead, call me all the names you want," Sansa said airily. "You won't dare when I'm married to Joffrey. You'll have to bow and call me Your Grace." She shrieked as Arya flung the orange across the table. It caught her in the middle of the forehead with a wet squish and plopped down into her lap. "You have juice on your face, Your Grace ," Arya said."

humour sansa-stark

George R.R. Martin

ab2a9b0

This may be my only chance to see humans before these two are made into fertilizer for Moonwind's rosebushes.

humour meet

Tamora Pierce

dc6bb2f

"And what lesson can we draw from Volantene history?" "If you want to conquer the world, you best have dragons."

humour tyrion-lannister george-r-r-martin sci-fi

George R.R. Martin

2787839

I'm not afraid of dying. I'm afraid I'll never get a chance to live!

diamond-eyes humour fantasy inspirational thriller science-fiction crime

A.A. Bell

31d0dee

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

humour inspirational

Anne Frank

84f0d00

This was the tricky bit. The really tricky bit, trickiness cubed.

humour hugh-laurie

Hugh Laurie

17230cf

Dios mio, I think my brother lost his balls somewhere between here and Mexico. Or maybe Brittany has them zipped inside that fancy purse (of hers).

humour rules-of-attraction

Simone Elkeles

f6a26d4

More of your conversation would infect my brain.

humour

William Shakespeare

cb6e6b7

A few years ago it dawned on me that everybody past a certain age ... pretty much constantly dreams of being able to escape from their lives. They don't want to be who they are any more. They want out. This list includes Thurston Howell the Third, Ann-Margret, the cat members of Rent, Vaclav Havel, space shuttle astronauts and Snuffleupagus. It's universal.

humour life philosophy

Douglas Coupland

db3a109

Neither of the two people in the room paid any attention to the way I came in, although only one of them was dead.

humour

Raymond Chandler

9d9f74b

You do know you could find yourself charged with being a dominant species while under the influence of impulse-driven consumerism, don't you?

humour humans

Terry Pratchett

d090a78

"The matter with human beans," the BFG went on, "is that they is absolutely refusing to believe in anything unless they is actually seeing it right in front of their own schnozzles."

humour

Roald Dahl

fa44099

Look at all the things that can go wrong for men. There's the nothing-happening-at-all problem, the too-much-happening-too-soon problem, the dismal-droop-after-a-promising-beginning problem; there's the size-doesn't-matter-except-in-my-case problem, the failing-to-deliver-the-goods problem...and what do women have to worry about? A handful of cellulite? Join the club. A spot of I-wonder-how-I-rank? Ditto.

sex man men humour humor hornby nick-hornby manly manliness nick

Nick Hornby

921d364

Colon thought Carrot was simple. Carrot often struck people as simple. And he was. Where people went wrong was thinking that simple meant the same thing as stupid.

humour stupidity intelligence

Terry Pratchett

5877c2f

"Who or what inspires you?" "I must admit that I often read my own articles in scientific journals and inspire myself."

humour inpiration self-absorbed

Eoin Colfer

bb62083

He awoke at six, as usual. He needed no alarm clock. He was already comprehensively alarmed.

humour

Martin Amis

6c4aed0

Everywhere's been where it is ever since it was first put there. It's called geography.

humour humor

Terry Pratchett

cf274cc

He is really not so ugly after all, provided, of course, that one shuts one's eyes, and does not look at him.

humour

Oscar Wilde

7667606

"So," I (Percy) said glumly. "We're going to get a ride from your brother, huh?" Artemis's silver eyes gleamed. "Yes, boy. You see, Bianca di Angelo is not the only one with an annoying brother. It's time for you to meet my irresponsible twin, Apollo."

humour bianca-di-angelo nico-diangelo artemis nico nico-di-angelo

Rick Riordan

f03abc3

"Could be. I'm a pretty dangerous dude when I'm cornered." "Yeah," said the voice from under the table, "you go to pieces so fast people get hit by the shrapnel."

humour fear useless panic

Douglas Adams

4f1a42a

Never trust a species that grins all the time. It's up to something.

humour ulterior-motive

Terry Pratchett

406ba4d

"Dwarfs were not a naturally religious species, but in a world where pit props could crack without warning and pockets of fire damp could suddenly explode they'd seen the need for gods as the sort of supernatural equivalent of a hard hat. Besides, when you hit your thumb with an eight-pound hammer it's nice to be able to blaspheme. It takes a very special and strong-minded kind of atheist to jump up and down with their hand clasped under their other armpit and shout, "Oh, random-fluctuations-in-the-space-time-continuum!" or "Aaargh, primitive-and-outmoded-concept on a crutch!"

humour funny religion

Terry Pratchett

0de7575

"Rockabye Baby, in the treetop Dont you know a treetop is no safe place to rock? And who put you up there, and your cradle too? Baby,

humour philosophy nursery-rhyme

Shel Silverstein

bcb3be6

Like the famous mad philosopher said, when you stare into the void, the void stares also; but if you cast into the void, you get a type conversion error. (Which just goes to show Nietzsche wasn't a C++ programmer.)

humour

Charles Stross

386b958

They said I was a valued customer, now they send me hate mail.

humour humor shopping

Sophie Kinsella

9632759

Can I request another peer guide, One who isn't so happy to be at school at 7:30 a.m.?

humour rules-of-attraction

Simone Elkeles

61cbb07

"Sam's hand brushed her shoulder, and she almost jumped out of her skin as he brought his mouth close to her ear and murmured, "You look beautiful. Though I bet you already know that." She most certainly did."

humour humor humourous lol

Sarah J. Maas

24be102

My dad gave me a present once,' Nico said. 'It was a zombie.' Reyna stared at him. 'What?' 'His name is Jules-Albert. He's French.' 'A... French zombie?

humour zombie reyna nico-di-angelo

Rick Riordan

60dc4e0

Our problems started in Dallas, when the fire-breathing sheep destroyed the King Tut exhibit.

humour funny giant-snake ra tsunamis riordan tornado rebellious riots serpent floods earthquakes survive sun snake funny-and-random sadie-kane destruction

Rick Riordan

0425edb

Note for Americans and other aliens: Milton Keynes is a new city approximately halfway between London and Birmingham. It was built to be modern, efficient, healthy, and, all in all, a pleasant place to live. Many Britons find this amusing.

humour humor geography

Neil Gaiman

0ee1e67

An old joke has an Oxford professor meeting an American former graduate student and asking him what he's working on these days. 'My thesis is on the survival of the class system in the United States.' 'Oh really, that's interesting: one didn't think there was a class system in the United States.' 'Nobody does. That's how it survives.

humour united-states joke

Christopher Hitchens

7b36dae

"I shot him a look. "That bouncer was really big." His lips quirked. "Oh, Kitten, see, I try not to say bad things." "What?" The grin spread. "I would say size doesn't matter but it does. I would know." he winked, and I let out a disgusted groan. He laughed."

humorous humour humor

Jennifer L. Armentrout

6de5d4c

"If you want to know the Correct term for me, I'm a Dark-Hunter." Nick digested that word slowly. "Which means what? You hunt darkness?" "Yes, Nick. That's exactly what I do. There's just not enough of it." Now, there was some sarcasm you could cut with a knife." --

humour humor

Sherrilyn Kenyon

3353b9c

I've had so many bikini waxes, I cry every time I see a Popsicle stick.

humour funny humor bikini-wax girly shaving girls girl

Libba Bray

53fee52

Idiots emit bogons, causing machinery to malfunction in their presence. System administrators absorb bogons, letting machinery work again.

humour idiots computers hacker-folklore it

Charles Stross

ce9e6fa

There's nothing deeper than love. In fairy tales, the princesses kiss the frogs, and the frogs become princes. In real life,the princesses kiss princes, and the princes turn into frogs.

humour love ugly-truths cynical

Paulo Coelho

13b44c3

Whatever, crazy chick who maybe lives here and maybe also breaks into Michael's house when they're all gone. I'm out. Have a nice delusion. -Shayne

humour morganville-vampires delusion

Rachel Caine

47cff92

"Does it give you deja voodoo how alike the houses are?" "That's deja vu, and I hate you right now"

humour

Rachel Caine

b9e225d

"Were you proposing to shoot these people in cold blood, sergeant?" "Nossir. Just a warning shot inna head, sir."

humour siege-engines trolls

Terry Pratchett

e2765c2

"When she emerged, Keith was watching the tiny round window of the under-the-counter washing machine. "Put your clothes in for a wash," he said. "They were disgusting." Ginny always thought that the only way of getting clothes clean was by drowning them in scalding water and then whipping them around in a violent centrifugal motion that caused the entire washing machine to vibrate and the floor to shake. You beat them clean. You made them suffer. This machine used about half a cup of water and was about as violent as a toaster, plus it stopped every few minutes, as if it were exhausted from the effort of turning itself. Sluff, sluff, sluff sluff. Rest. Rest. Rest. Click. Sluff, sluff, sluff, sluff. Rest. Rest. Rest. "Who thought to put a window on a washing machine?" Keith asked. "Does anyone just sit and watch their wash?" You mean, besides us?" "Well," he said, "yeah. Is there any coffee?"

humour humor ginny keith

Maureen Johnson

32b7629

"Grover and Nico came back from their walk, and Grover helped me fix up my wounded arm. "It's green!" Nico said with delight."

humour nico-diangelo percy-jackson nico-di-angelo

Rick Riordan

8a5ca00

"Sam's phone buzzed. She fished it out of her pocket, checked the screen, and cursed. "I have to go." "You just got here." "Valkyrie business. Possible code three-eight-one: heroic death in progress." "You're making that up." "I'm not." "So...what, somebody thinks they're about to die and they text you 'Going down! Need Valkyrie ASAP!' followed by a bunch of sad-face emojis?"

humorous humour funny humor humorous-quote humorous-quotations

Rick Riordan

12ed3ce

"Have I missed a national holiday? There must be celebrations in the streets for you to be home at this hour of the day." "I'm calling it Summerset Goes Mute Day. The city's gone mad with joy."

humour summerset

J.D. Robb

0c4693b

Charm is often despised but I can never see why. No one has it who isn't capable of genuinely liking others, at least at the actual moment of meeting and speaking. Charm is always genuine; it may be superficial but it isn't false.

humour humor xan theo false genuine

P.D. James

c2cc5ca

"I was not so comfortable with my new authority that I could say 'We eat the chicken now!' but the magus had seen that I was considering it... "My purse is full enough," said the magus, "to keep you supplied with roast chickens." "So, so, so," I said. "We know who the power behind the throne is," and the magus laughed. "You eat more than Gen did after prison," he said. "I have more sympathy with him all the time. Are you going to finish that drumstick?" I asked. "I am. Stop staring at it."

humour eating

Megan Whalen Turner

45cf8cb

Pissing is the least of my talents. You ought to see me shit

humour tyrion-lannister george-r-r-martin

George R.R. Martin

6d7a679

"Augustus Waters was a self-aggrandizing bastard. But we forgive him. We forgive him not because he had a heart as figuratively good as his literal one sucked, or because he knew more about how to hold a cigarette than any nonsmoker in history, or because he got eighteen years when he should've gotten more." "Seventeen," Gus corrected. "I'm assuming you've got some time, you interrupting bastard. "I'm telling you," Isaac continued, "Augustus Waters talked so much that he'd interrupt you at his own funeral. And he was pretentious: Sweet Jesus Christ, that kid never took a piss without pondering the abundant metaphorical resonances of human waste production. And he was vain: I do not believe I have ever met a more physically attractive person who was more acutely aware of his own physical attractiveness. "But I will say this: When the scientists of the future show up at my house with robot eyes and they tell me to try them on, I will tell the scientists to screw off, because I do not want to see a world without him." [...] "And then, having made my rhetorical point, I will put my robot eyes on, because I mean, with robot eyes you can probably see through girls' shirts and stuff. Augustus, my friend, Godspeed." Augustus nodded for a while, his lips pursed, and then gave Isaac a thumbs-up. After he'd recovered his composure, he added, "I would cut the bit about seeing through girls' shirts." Isaac was still clinging to the lectern. He started to cry. He pressed his forehead down to the podium and I watched his shoulders shake, and then finally, he said, "Goddamn it, Augustus, editing your own eulogy."

humour eulogy

John Green

5c15fc8

Joel Cairo: You always have a very smooth explanation ready. Sam Spade: What do you want me to do, learn to stutter?

humour

Dashiell Hammett

71aced8

The waiter approached. 'Would you like to see the menu?' he said. 'Or would you like to meet the Dish of the Day?' 'Huh?' said Ford. 'Huh?' said Arthur. 'Huh?' said Trillian. 'That's cool,' said Zaphod. 'We'll meet the meat.

humour

Douglas Adams

acc3225

Got to say, dying would really wreck my best day. Been there, done that, and now that I think about it, Artemis forgot to give me the t-shirt.

humour

Sherrilyn Kenyon

506a9a0

He hated being filled with terror. It was embarrassing.

humour fear leo-valdez

Rick Riordan

b8abda9

"Torture?" she asked with a laugh. "My first piece of information I'll divulge to you? I wouldn't recommend trying to torture me. I dislike it and grow sulky under pincers. It's a fault."

humour

Kresley Cole

e0b92ac

You don't scare me, Cadence Jones. I've lived with crazy, I've ridden with crazy, I've vacationed with crazy, I've visited crazy in various hospitals, I've sat in on therapy sessions with crazy. Frankly, I think women who don't have major emotional disorders are really very dull.

humour funny humor

MaryJanice Davidson

cd7da28

Some guys step on a rake in the dark, and get mad and go punch somebody. Others step on a rake in the dark and fall down laughing at themselves. I know which kind of guy I'd rather be. So do my friends.

humour friendship comedy sf

Spider Robinson

e47d43b

When they're together, the world could fall apart around them and they'd never notice or care as long as they have each other.

humour romance young-adult-romance young-adult-fiction

Simone Elkeles

ce364b5

Racism was not a problem on the Discworld, because--what with trolls and dwarfs and so on--speciesism was more interesting. Black and white lived in perfect harmony and ganged up on green.

racism humour speciesism

Terry Pratchett

cedaf93

"Oliver, calm down!" said Fred, looking slightly alarmed. "We're taking Hufflepuff very seriously. ."

humour

J.K. Rowling

085c627

"Blessed are the meek, for to them we shall say "attaboy"."

humour

Christopher Moore

7000607

"Yes, an actual full-sized camel. If you find that confusing, just think how the criosphinx must have felt. Where did the camel come from, you ask? I may have mentioned Walt's collection of amulets. Two of them summoned disgusting camels. I'd met them before, so I was less than excited when a ton of dromedary flesh flew across my line of sight, plowed into the sphinx, and collapsed on top of it. The sphinx growled in outrage as it tried to free itself. The camel grunted and farted. "Hindenburg," I said. Only one camel could possibly fart that badly. "Walt, why in the world--?" "Sorry!" he yelled. "Wrong amulet!" The technique worked, at any rate. The camel wasn't much of a fighter, but it was quite heavy and clumsy. The criosphinx snarled and clawed at the floor, trying unsuccessfully to push the camel off; but Hindenburg just splayed his legs, made alarmed honking sounds, and let loose gas. I moved to Walt's side and tried to get my bearings."

humour funny giant-snake ra tsunamis riordan tornado rebellious riots serpent floods earthquakes survive sun snake funny-and-random sadie-kane destruction

Rick Riordan

8ffe605

I'm going to see if Morris has a spare spine lying around you can borrow if you're scared to speak to that high-heeled, smug-ass bitch, Peabody.

humour peabody

J.D. Robb

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The weather had freshened almost to coldness, for the wind was coming more easterly, from the chilly currents between Tristan and the Cape; the sloth was amazed by the change; it shunned the deck and spent its time below. Jack was in his cabin, pricking the chart with less satisfaction than he could have wished: progress, slow, serious trouble with the mainmast-- unaccountable headwinds by night-- and sipping a glass of grog; Stephen was in the mizentop, teaching Bonden to write and scanning the sea for his first albatross. The sloth sneezed, and looking up, Jack caught its gaze fixed upon him; its inverted face had an expression of anxiety and concern. 'Try a piece of this, old cock,' he said, dipping his cake in the grog and proffering the sop. 'It might put a little heart into you.' The sloth sighed, closed its eyes, but gently absorbed the piece, and sighed again. Some minutes later he felt a touch upon his knee: the sloth had silently climbed down and it was standing there, its beady eyes looking up into his face, bright with expectation. More cake, more grog: growing confidence and esteem. After this, as soon as the drum had beat the retreat, the sloth would meet him, hurrying toward the door on its uneven legs: it was given its own bowl, and it would grip it with its claws, lowering its round face into it and pursing its lips to drink (its tongue was too short to lap). Sometimes it went to sleep in this position, bowed over the emptiness. 'In this bucket,' said Stephen, walking into the cabin, 'in this small half-bucket, now, I have the population of Dublin, London, and Paris combined: these animalculae-- what is the matter with the sloth?' It was curled on Jack's knee, breathing heavily: its bowl and Jack's glass stood empty on the table. Stephen picked it up, peered into its affable bleary face, shook it, and hung it upon its rope. It seized hold with one fore and one hind foot, letting the others dangle limp, and went to sleep. Stephen looked sharply round, saw the decanter, smelt to the sloth, and cried, 'Jack, you have debauched my sloth.

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Patrick O'Brian

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Never did she find anything so difficult as to keep herself from losing her temper when she was suddenly disturbed while absorbed in a book.

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Frances Hodgson Burnett

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Even from far away, I could see people being chased by hellhounds, burned at the stake, forced to run naked through cactus patches or listen to opera music.

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Rick Riordan

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It struck him that how you spent Christmas was a message to the world about where you were in life, some indication of how deep a hole you had managed to burrow for yourself

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Nick Hornby

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Nothing makes you think you might need years of therapy like saying the word breasts in front of your mother.

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Katie McGarry

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"Fred and George turned to each other and said together, "Wow -- we're identical!"

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J.K. Rowling

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I've decided to call him Norbert,' said Hagrid, looking at the dragon with misty eyes. 'He really knows me now, watch. Norbert! Norbert! Where's Mummy?' 'He's lost his marbles,' Ron muttered in Harry's ear. 'Hagrid,' said Harry loudly, 'give it a fortnight and Norbert's going to be as big as your house. Malfoy could go to Dumbledore at any moment. Hagrid bit his lip. 'I- I know I can't jus' dump him, I can't.' Harry suddenly turned to Ron. 'Charlie,' he said. 'You're losing it too,' said Ron. 'I'm Ron, remember?

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J.K. Rowling

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Allegra's Austen wrote about the impact of financial need on the intimate lives of women. If she'd worked in a bookstore, Allegra would have shelved Austen in the horror section.

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Karen Joy Fowler