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a30817d "Just leave me alone, I want to be alone," she said when Jack tried to open the car door. She hit the lock, and wound the window up. Since the roof was down, it was a fairly pointless exercise." humour romance romantic-comedy Sarah Mayberry
81e6e29 I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be a dickhead. Well, I did. humour romance young-adult-romance young-adult-fiction Simone Elkeles
3498a43 I never sleep on the plane. I have to be awake and using my mind power to keep it in the air humour flying Jen Lancaster
8e5f1a3 The most powerful women in Sachaka and all you do is waste time gossiping and matchmaking humour lorkin traitors tyvara Trudi Canavan
ff2e8c0 Pity, I've learned, is like a fart. You can tolerate your own, but you simply can't stand anyone else's. humour funny sadness pity joke sad Jonathan Tropper
e50a364 Yes,' Spade growled. 'And when you're slapped you'll take it and like it.' He released Cairo's wrist and with a thick open hand struck the side of his face three times savagely. humour gumshoe Dashiell Hammett
d738ea9 For the moment we might very well can them DUNNOS (for Dark Unknown Nonreflective Nondetectable Objects Somewhere). humour science space physics Bill Bryson
62c1399 It is not true that the English invented cricket as a way of making all other human endeavors look interesting and lively; that was merely an unintended side effect. humorous humour Bill Bryson
5e7f8e9 Prime numbers are useful for writing codes and in America they are classed as Military Material and if you find one over 100 digits you have to tell the CIA and they buy it off you for $10,000. But it would not be a very good way of making a living. humour Mark Haddon
cde8244 "Funny,' Will said, as they picked their way through. 'Things are absolutely awful and yet people look much happier than usual. Look at them all. Bubbling.' humour the-dark-is-rising truism Susan Cooper
ffff60f "Bottled, was he?" Said Colonel Bantry, with an Englishman's sympathy for alcoholic excess. "Oh, well, can't judge a fellow by what he does when he's drunk? When I was at Cambridge, I remember I put a certain utensil - well - well, nevermind." sympathy humour humor cambridge embarassment englishman utensil Agatha Christie
129e785 "There! Now we're friends!" declared the minx. "Say you're sorry about my sister -" "I am desolated!" "That's a good boy!" humour haha obedience Agatha Christie
f02a960 An hour ago Cutwell had thumbed through the index of The Monster Fun Grimoire and had cautiously assembled a number of common household ingredients and put a match to them. Funny thing about eyebrows, he mused. You never really noticed them until they'd gone. humour Terry Pratchett
3a3609c Sergeant Colon was lost in admiration. He'd seen people bluff on a bad hand, but he'd never seen anyone bluff with no cards. humour Terry Pratchett
486c8b1 "Why can't people just learn to live together in peace and harmony?" said Arthur. Ford gave a loud, very hollow laugh. "Forty-two!" he said with a malicious grin. "No, doesn't work. Never mind." -- universe humour life ultimate-question Douglas Adams
1f3ba12 On a world where a common table implement is a little device with which you crack the ice that has formed on your drink between drafts, hot beer is a thing you come to appreciate. humour science-fiction Ursula K. Le Guin
8ce8efe Incidentally, I only have one cavity, and as much as my dentist asks me to, I just can't bring myself to floss. humour life Stephen Chbosky
52d74c1 The place had enormous possibilities. He realized that at once. The stream, of course, was perfect for sailing toy boats, for skipping stones, and, in the event of failing inspiration, for falling into. Several of the trees appeared to have been specifically designed for climbing, and one huge, white old birch overhanging the stream promised the exhilarating combination of climbing a tree and falling into the water, all at one time. humour mischief David Eddings
30ae49d The club is too loud to talk, so after a couple of drinks, everyone feels like the centre of attention but completely cut off from participating with anyone else. You're the corpse in an English murder mystery. humour observation society Chuck Palahniuk
26af080 "Can I borrow fifty bucks?" "What?" "I'm short until payday." "You're short every day." -- humour peabody J.D. Robb
d6665b1 "You look like a hot tamale." "That's not really a compliment." humour romance young-adult-romance young-adult-fiction Simone Elkeles
69c7014 In peacetime some sort of introduction is generally required to make a person's acquaintance; in war a small eatable will perform the same office. humour Susanna Clarke
69d426c No plaque reminds the passer-by of these glories, although there should be one; for those who invent biscuits bring great pleasure to many. humour wisdom Alexander McCall Smith
bfcccf8 It was an eight-harlot inn, if that's how you measure an inn. (I understand that now they measure inns in stars. We are in a four-star inn right now. I don't know what the conversion from harlots to stars is.) humour Christopher Moore
e41d12a "Elsie eyed him puzzledly, and then offered, "Would you like to see my plate?" humour plates Naomi Novik
9068142 She didn't want the medi-techs. She wanted a fucking a candy bar. humour J.D. Robb
5260af4 As for Phileas Fogg, it seemed just as if the typhoon were a part of his programme humour Jules Verne
6efbbea During the Bosnian war in the late 1990s, I spent several days traveling around the country with Susan Sontag and her son, my dear friend David Rieff. On one occasion, we made a special detour to the town of Zenica, where there was reported to be a serious infiltration of outside Muslim extremists: a charge that was often used to slander the Bosnian government of the time. We found very little evidence of that, but the community itself was much riven as between Muslim, Croat, and Serb. No faction was strong enough to predominate, each was strong enough to veto the other's candidate for the chairmanship of the city council. Eventually, and in a way that was characteristically Bosnian, all three parties called on one of the town's few Jews and asked him to assume the job. We called on him, and found that he was also the resident intellectual, with a natural gift for synthesizing matters. After we left him, Susan began to chortle in the car. 'What do you think?' she asked. 'Do you think that the only dentist and the only shrink in Zenica are Jewish also?' It would be dense to have pretended not to see her joke. humour religion city-councils croats david-rieff islamic-extremism serbs sontag zenica extremism bosnia bosnian-war muslims intellectuals jews religious-extremism zealotry Christopher Hitchens
f78b885 "I already told you," said Adam. "There is no need to swear." "Sorry, it just fucking slipped out," said Zeb." humour Margaret Atwood
9c5e84f Listen, I didn't ask for a face and body girls find attractive. But thanks to the mixture of my parents' DNA, I've got them, and I'm not ashamed to use 'em. humour romance young-adult-romance young-adult-fiction Simone Elkeles
2df1b4c "Excuse me, your attention please." He waited until the whole floor had stopped what it was doing and turned to face him. For a split second his impulse control kicked in, but by then his mouth was fully engaged. "For the record, Claire Marsden and I are not having sex." humour romance romantic-comedy Sarah Mayberry
23da8a1 She wore a loose bathrobe that covered up a body that would have won first prize in a beauty contest for cement blocks.....She had a voice that made pearl harbour sound like a lullaby. humour hardboiled noir Richard Brautigan
dc63d71 When a person pauses in mid-sentence to choose a word, that's the best time to jump in and change the subject! It's like an interception in football! You grab the others guy's idea and run the opposite way with it! The more sentences you complete, the higher your score! The idea is to block the other guy's thoughts and express your own! That's how you win! Conversations aren't contests! Ok, a point for you, but I'm still ahead. thoughts humour speaking thinking ideas Bill Watterson
50f504f They made for his noise far quicker than he had expected. They were frightfully angry. Quite apart from the stones no spider has ever like being called Attercop, and Tomnoddy of course, is insulting to anybody. tolkien humour spiders insults-and-slander J.R.R. Tolkien
d7a5799 And don't succumb too much to the spell of these cases. I have seen many other fragments of the cross, in other churches. If all were genuine, our Lord's torment could not have been on a couple of planks nailed together, but on an entire forest.' 'Master!' I said, shocked. 'So it is, Adso. And there are ever richer treasuries. Some time ago, in the cathedral of Cologne, I saw the skull of John the Baptist at the age of twelve.' 'Really?' I exclaimed, amazed. Then, siezed by doubt, I added, 'But the Baptist was executed at a more advanced age!' 'The other skull must be in another treasury,' William said, with a grave face. I never understood when he was jesting. humour Umberto Eco
f99788f Edna restored the toffee to the centre of her tongue and sucking pleasurably, resumed her typing of Naked Love by Armand Levine. Its painstaking eroticism left her uninterested--as indeed it did most of Mr. Levine's readers, in spite of his efforts. He was a notable example of the fact that nothing can be duller than dull pornography. humour pornography sarcasm Agatha Christie
4c2998d You're Ma's own blood son, but did she take on that time Tony Fontaine shot you in the leg? No, she just sent for old Doc Fontaine to dress it and asked the doctor what ailed Tony's aim. Said she guessed the licker was spoiling his marksmanship. humour Margaret Mitchell
65ec472 Some things were above my pay grade. Actually, there were things that slithered on their bellies that were higher than my pay grade. humour work humor Jodi Taylor
c74a483 I attributed their behavior to the fact that they didn't have a TV, but television didn't teach you everything. Asking for candy on Halloween was called trick-or-treating, but asking for candy on November first was called begging, and it made people uncomfortable. This was one of the things you were supposed to learn simply by being alive, and it angered me that the Tomkeys did not understand it. humour David Sedaris
e1555b1 What if I got hit by lightning while walking with an umbrella? Ban umbrellas! Fight the menace of lightning! humour funny humor umbrellas lightning computers terrorism Cory Doctorow
5fa0643 When the waiter brought the cheese-board, there was a large carrot carved in the shape of a mermaid sitting between the Dolcelatte and the Pecorino. Teo could have sworn that the carrot-mermaid flexed her tail and plunged her little hand inside a smelly Gorgonzola. 'Tyromancy, ye know,' remarked the mermaid. 'The Ancient Art of Divination by Cheese.' Then she pulled her tiny hand out and inspected the green cheese-mold on her tiny fingers. 'Lackaday!' she moaned. 'Stinking! It goes poorly for Venice and Teodora, it do! humour divination foretelling mermaid Michelle Lovric
2ae45bf it will be generally found that the popular joke is not true to the letter, but is true to the spirit. The joke is generally in the oddest way the truth and yet not the fact. humour humor jokes truths G.K. Chesterton
76f7db1 US government button specifications run to twenty-two pages. This fact on its own yields a sense of what it is like to design garments for the Army. humour science mary-roach military Mary Roach
1a8f375 Suddenly he caught his reflection in the mirror behind her. His face was twisted into a dark scowl, and he was standing there naked, with a boner, and another man's business card in his hand. He looked like a dick. humour romance funny Sarah Mayberry
8c017b2 The pleasant fact is that the British are not much good at violent crime except in fiction, which is of course as it should be. travel humour humor Bill Bryson
27e23cc Sadly, however, the sight of her generous D cups no longer sparked an ounce of interest from Little Sam, the man in charge of social activities. humour romance Sarah Mayberry
a5f3829 "I don't ask you - fribble!' snapped his lordship, rounding on him, with the speed of a whiplash. 'You may keep your tongue between your teeth!' "Yes, sir - happy to!' uttered Claud, dismayed. 'No wish to offend you! Thought you might like to be set right!' 'Thought I might like to be set right?' 'No, no! Spoke without thinking!' said Claud hastily. ' I know you don't!" -- humour regency Georgette Heyer
86ef478 "Well, stop it or . . . Crap, is that Drunk Santa currently mooning passing traffic?" "Wow, that's some ugly ass he's got there. It is Drunk Santa. Oh, please, do we have to stop? Think of the smell. Fear it." "We can't leave that ugly ass hanging out on Ninth Avenue." Resigned, Eve started to pull over, then spotted two hustling beat cops. Pitying them, she kept going. "It's a Christmas miracle," Peabody said, reverently." humour peabody J.D. Robb
dfdad21 Would you ask a man who bags groceries if he fears death not because it is death but because there are still some interesting groceries he would like to bag? philosophical humour Don DeLillo
8d13a67 It was one of those moments in which I become very uncomfortable. One of those times when nothing you say can be right, and almost anything you do say is wrong. I could see no answer but the classic Croaker approach. I began to back away. That is how I handle my women. Duck for cover when they get distressed. I almost made it to the door. She could move when she wanted. She crossed the gap and put her arms around me, rested a cheek against my chest. And that is how they handle me, the sentimental fool. The closet romantic. humour Glen Cook
88d784e "Clicking on "send" has its limitations as a system of subtle communication. Which is why, of course, people use so many dashes and italics and capitals ("I AM joking!") to compensate. That's why they came up with the emoticon, too--the emoticon being the greatest (or most desperate, depending how you look at it) advance in punctuation since the question mark in the reign of Charlemagne. You will know all about emoticons. Emoticons are the proper name for smileys. And a smiley is, famously, this: :--) Forget the idea of selecting the right words in the right order and channelling the reader's attention by means of artful pointing. Just add the right emoticon to your email and everyone will know what self-expressive effect you thought you kind-of had in mind. Anyone interested in punctuation has a dual reason to feel aggrieved about smileys, because not only are they a paltry substitute for expressing oneself properly; they are also designed by people who evidently thought the punctuation marks on the standard keyboard cried out for an ornamental function. What's this dot-on-top-of-a-dot thing for? What earthly good is it? Well, if you look at it sideways, it could be a pair of eyes. What's this curvy thing for? It's a mouth, look! Hey, I think we're on to something. :--( Now it's sad! ;--) It looks like it's winking! :--r It looks like it's sticking its tongue out! The permutations may be endless: :~/ mixed up! <:--) dunce! :--[ pouting! :--O surprise! Well, that's enough. I've just spotted a third reason to loathe emoticons, which is that when they pass from fashion (and I do hope they already have), future generations will associate punctuation marks with an outmoded and rather primitive graphic pastime and despise them all the more. "Why do they still have all these keys with things like dots and spots and eyes and mouths and things?" they will grumble. "Nobody does smileys any more." humour writing internet-usage punctuation Lynne Truss
78eb310 "Twelve dead?" I said. "Jesus." humour jesus inspirational biblical short twelve whatever said i perhaps brief surprise wit Dennis Lehane
b5dd22a "I read it twice, then I said, "Well, why don't you?" "Why don't I what?" "Why don't you wish her many happy returns? It doesn't seem much to ask." "But she says on her birthday." "Well, when is her birthday?" "Can't you understand?" said Bobbie. "I've forgotten." "Forgotten!" I said. "Yes," said Bobbie. "Forgotten." "How do you mean, forgotten?" I said. "Forgotten whether it's the twentieth or the twenty-first, or what? How near do you get to it?" "I know it came somewhere between the first of January and the thirty-first of December. That's how near I get to it." humour forgetfulness P.G. Wodehouse
2df5574 "One minute he stood transfixed, the next he uttered a crushing oath, and took a hasty stride forward. Mr Ringwood, recovering from his own stupefaction, closed with him, just as George, flushing vividly, sprang to his feet. Mr Ringwood said warningly. "For God's sake, dear boy, remember where you are! You can't choke George to death here!" humour regency Georgette Heyer
56b51c4 "What's with all those tattoos? Makes you look like a hooligan." "I suspect I am a hooligan." humour romance young-adult-romance young-adult-fiction Simone Elkeles
d23b79a Certainly, he was the only one in the room who'd actually engaged Dante in direct conversation and informed the Poet he was an ass. humour Sylvain Reynard
8e4d1dc It's ridiculous to leave all the conversation to the pudding! humour lewis-carroll Lewis Carroll
59c50dc "I'm sorry, I don't understand. Could you tell me more about this 'profanity'?" Mrs. Miller nodded at my dictionary. "I'll assume you don't need a definition. Perhaps you'd prefer an example?" "That would be so helpful, thank you very much." Without missing a beat, Mrs. Miller rattled off a stream of obscenities so fully and completely unexpected that I fell off my chair. Mothers were defiled, their male and female children, as well as any and all offspring who just happened to be born out of wedlock. AS for the sacred union that produced these innocent babes, the pertinent bodily appendages were catalogued by a list of names so profoundly scurrilous that a grizzled marine, conceived in a brothel and dying of a disease he contracted in one, would've wished he'd been born as smooth as a Ken doll. The act itself was invoked with such a verity of incestuous, scatological, bestial, and just plain bizarre variations that that same marine would've given up on the Ken doll fantasy, and wished instead that all life had been confined to a single-cell stage, forever free of taint of mitosis, let alone procreation. Somewhere during the course of all this I noticed I'd snapped my pencil in half, and now I used the two ends to gouge out my brain. "Guhhhhhh guhhhhh guhhhhhh guhhhhh guhhhhh," I said, by which I meant: "You have shattered whatever tattered remnants of pedagogical propriety I still possessed, and my tender young mind has broken beneath the strain." Nervously, I climbed back into my chair, the two halves of my pencil sticking out of ears like an arrow that had shot clean through my head. Mrs. Miller allowed herself a small self-congratulatory smile." humour sprout profanity Dale Peck
8c84568 Walking the plank is a Victorian fiction, and I will not have it on my ship! history humour pirates George MacDonald Fraser
60ca2eb He was a Parisian,' he said. 'You can never be sure what Parisians believe in - beyond Paris of course. humour paris Ben Aaronovitch
f8322db The room looks as if a giant dog after a large lunch of food, socks, paints, trousers and pencils, walked into that room and vomited everywhere. humour Barbara Kingsolver
8f1034f As he grew older, which was mostly in my absence, my firstborn son, Alexander, became ever more humorous and courageous. There came a time, as the confrontation with the enemies of our civilization became more acute, when he sent off various applications to enlist in the armed forces. I didn't want to be involved in this decision either way, especially since I was being regularly taunted for not having 'sent' any of my children to fight in the wars of resistance that I supported. (As if I could 'send' anybody, let alone a grown-up and tough and smart young man: what moral imbeciles the 'anti-war' people have become.) fathers war humour courage morality civilisation iraq war-on-terror iraq-war sons enemies resistance Christopher Hitchens
19bec41 Can you tell me the difference between a witch and a wizard? Sure, a wizard is what they call you when they want to hire you, and a witch is what they call you when they're getting ready to run you out of town. humour witty Barbara Hambly
0b10674 I always pick a gorgeous time to fall over a suitcase or something. humour j-d-salinger J.D. Salinger
222d85d "She had been to her Great-Aunt Willoughby's before, and she knew exactly what to expect. She would be asked about her lessons, and how many marks she had, and whether she had been a good girl. I can't think why grownup people don't see how impertinent these questions are. Suppose you were to answer: humour family E. Nesbit
c1dcf1e He was silent. Well! Now she knew how right she had been. He was not in the least in love with her, and very happy she was to know it, All she wanted was a suitable retreat, such as a lumber-room, or a coal-cellar, in which to enjoy her happiness to the full. humour regency Georgette Heyer
1f9f376 A nonhuman animal had better have a good lawyer. In 1508, Bartholome Chassenee earned fame and fortune for his eloquent representation of the rats of his French province. These rats had been charged with destroying the barley crop and also with ignoring the court order to appear and defend themselves. Bartholome Chassenee argued successfully that the rats hadn't come because the court had failed to provide reasonable protection from the village cats along the route. history humour lawyers law rats karen joy fowler
364a6f0 I should have learned mindfulness, and it's too late now because it's no good learning it when you're already in crisis: you have to start when things are good. But only the very, very oddest would think, Hey, my life is perfect. I know! I'll sit and waste twenty minutes Observing My Thoughts without Judgement. thoughts humour mindfulness self-deprecation distraction crisis worry Marian Keyes
a181757 If I don't keep this job, then my only future career-options are working in Argos, or being a prostitute,' I say, wildly. 'Maybe you could work in Argos a prostitute,' my mother says, merrily. She appears to be enjoying this conversation. 'They could list you in the catalogue, and people could queue up, and wait for you to come down the conveyor belt. humour humor Caitlin Moran
9ee1436 [On writing Jeeves and Wooster stories]: You tell yourself that you can take Jeeves stories or leave them alone, that one more can't possibly hurt you, because you know you can pull up whenever you feel like it, but it is merely wish-full thinking. The craving has gripped you and there is no resisting it. You have passed the point of no return. humour humor jeeves P.G. Wodehouse
cb2b4a2 cause if you were my girlfriend and a stud like me was livin' in your house, I'd kiss you in front of the guy every chance I got as a reminder. humour romance young-adult-romance young-adult-fiction Simone Elkeles
5ddc8cd Again he shook his head. The world's gone mad, he thought. The dead walk about and I think nothing of it. The return of corpses has become trivial in import. How quickly one accepts the incredible if only one sees it enough! humour death change corpses normality undead usual zombies dead Richard Matheson
f059dbe "But it won't be much of a battle, will it?" Alek asked. "What can an airship do to a pair of ironclads?" "My guess is, we'll stay absolutely still for an hour. Just so we don't fall into any bad habits." humour deryn Scott Westerfeld
f233e29 The Professor doesn't have a problem being called Dick? If my name was Richard, I'd go by Richard or Rich . . . not Dick. Hell, I'd even settle for being called Chard. humour romance young-adult-romance young-adult-fiction Simone Elkeles
60be8de Fifteen minutes later, Justin looks at his pint of blood with pride. He doesn't want it to go to some stranger, he almost wants to bring it to the hospital himself, survey the wards and present it to someone special, for it's the first thing to come straight from his heart in a very long time. humour heart random Cecelia Ahern
d80da34 We offered her flowers and signalled to her with our penises, but she did not respond with joy.' 'The men with the extra skins didn't look happy. They looked angry.' 'We went towards them to greet them, but they ran away.' Snowman can imagine. The sight of these preternaturally calm, well-muscled men advancing en masse, singing their unusual music, green eyes glowing, blue penises waving in unison, both hands outstretched like extras in a zombie film, would have to have been alarming. humour mating Margaret Atwood
b15001e Ferdy choked.It took a great deal of back-slapping to restore him, and when he was at last able to catch his breath again, his eyes were watering and his countenance was alarmingly flushed. 'Well, what the deuce!' exclaimed Sherry, eyeing him in surprise. 'Crumb' gasped Ferdy. 'Crumb? You weren't eating anything!' 'Must have been,' said Ferdy feebly. humour regency Georgette Heyer
6c6830f Just think, she said to herself. I could be living on the Right Bank. I could be married to a senior clerk at the Treasury. I could be sitting with my feet up, embroidering a linen handkerchief with a rambling-rose design. Instead I'm on the rue des Cordeliers in pursuit of a baguette, with a three-inch blade for comfort. humour Hilary Mantel
c58f467 Idiocy in the modern age isn't an all-encompassing, twenty-four-hour situation for most people. It's a condition that everybody slips into many times a day. Life is just too complicated to be smart all the time. reassurance humour technology Scott Adams
c38284d So it was perfectly possible that there were men who liked shopping, men who understood exactly what it was all about, but Mma Ramotwe had yet to meet such a man. Maybe they existed elsewhere - in France, perhaps - but they did not seem to be much in evidence in Botswana. mma-ramotswe humour Alexander McCall Smith
53ec32e The clown knows that life is cruel. The ancient jester's motley coloured costume turned his usually melancholy expression in to a joke. The clown is used to loss. Loss is his prologue. loss humour life clown John Berger
5eea07a You know why horror-movie characters always get killed? Because they've never seen horror movies. They don't know how it works. Right? But we do. So no one go into the basement alone. No one go screaming off into the woods alone. No one has any sex. humour funny-book-quotes horror-movies werewolves Carrie Vaughn
56f735a "You dance?" "I think that might be overly optimistic," he said. "I do something. I'll try not to hurt you." humour romance funny Robyn Carr
b71b988 "A million possible endearments ran through his head. But he said, "Help." humour romance funny Robyn Carr
03f62e7 "I mean, I don't want to pass judgment--I just wish my husband didn't shoot deer." "Oh, Mel, don't worry. I've been hunting with your husband--the deer are completely safe." -- humour romance funny Robyn Carr
5d407d1 "Peabody pursed her lips. "You're really mean today." "Yes. Yes, I am." Eve took a deep gulp of hideous air, and smiled. "I feel good about that." -- humour J.D. Robb
13b17cd "- "Surely you have considered terrorist activity?" humour funny Terry Pratchett
b79257a Seated on a paving-stone near Enjolras, Courfeyrac continued to jeer at the cannon, and every passage of that sinister cloud of projectiles that is called grapeshot, accompanied by its monstrous din, drew from him an ironical comment. 'You're wearing yourself out, you poor old brute. You're getting hoarse. You're not thundering, only spluttering. It's breaking my heart.' His remarks were greeted with laughter. humour les-amis-d-abc Victor Hugo
72e2f3f "In lieu of Tasers, you'll have to hit me. Hard as you can. Then maybe some kind of fight-or-flight response will kick in and I'll turn into a bat to get away from you." "Fight or flight." "Yes." "Only half of that is flight." humour humor transformation paranormal supernatural vampires Adam Rex
d03524f I think she's too ignorant to be a witch. humour witches intelligence witch ignorance Muriel Spark
1a9b603 Ender began to eat, slowly and carefully, pretending not to notice he was the center of attention. humour funny life Orson Scott Card
545e374 "Don't mind Russ," he says. "He's a good kid underneath all those holes, although it's a wonder he doesn't spring a leak when he drinks" humour Sara Gruen
374f324 "Can I ask you, what is your relationship to God?" "Limited," I say. "Limited with the exception of spontaneous prayer in times of distress." humour religion god prayers A.M. Homes
b7e46cc You are sauntering along the back streets of Avallon; you step into a tavern for a cup of wine. A great lummox claims that you have molested his wife; he takes up his cutlass and comes at you. So now! With your knife! Draw and throw! All in a single movement! You advance, pull your knife from the villain's neck, wipe it on his sleeve. If in fact you have molested the dead churl's wife, bid her begone! The episode has quite dampened your spirit. But you are attacked from another side by another husband. Quick! humour knife-throwing Jack Vance
ba9f82a Where was his knife, upon which he relied? He had cut cheese for their noonday meal, and had packed the knife away with the cheese. Aillas said: 'Sir, before we continue with this matter, may I offer you a bite of cheese?' 'I care for no cheese, though it is an amusing concept.' 'In that case, allow me a moment while I cut a morsel or two for myself, as I hunger.' 'I have no time to spare while you eat cheese; prepare instead for death. humour fantasy Jack Vance
08a9e6d What He really hates is the shit that gets carried out in his name. Wars. Bigotry. Televangelism. - Rufus, Dogma humour rufus Kevin Smith
7962cfc "Miss Taverner took the whip and reins in her hands, and mounted into the driving-seat, scorning assistance. "Take your orders from Miss Taverner, Henry," said the Earl, getting up beside his ward. "Me Lord, you are never going to let a female drive us?" said Henry almost tearfully. "What about my pride?" "Swallow it, Henry," replied the Earl amicably." humour wit Georgette Heyer
8cf3268 In the cramped confines of the toilet I had trouble getting out of my wet trousers, which clung to my legs like a drowning man. The new ones were quite complicated too in that they had more legs than a spider; either that or they didn't have enough legs to get mine into. The numbers failed to add up. Always there was one trouser leg too many or one of my legs was left over. From the outside it may have looked like a simple toilet, but once you were locked in here the most basic rules of arithmetic no longer held true. travel humour humor lmao drugs Geoff Dyer
2e289b2 Bouncer, recognizing a well-wisher, got up, and thrust his cold, wet nose under her hand, assuming as he did so the soulful expression of a dog who takes but a benevolent interest in cats, livestock, and stray visitors. humour humor dogs-in-regency-novels Georgette Heyer
edb1af9 Well, I warn you, love, that if you cast me out I shall build me a willow cabin at your gates - and likely die of inflammation of the lungs, for November is *not the month for building willow cabins! humour rejection Georgette Heyer
0cb0301 I swear to hold my tongue about it till the end of your worship's days, and God grant I may be able to let it out tomorrow humour Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra
852dff6 It is a building designed by committee: all they have been able to agree on is that it should be rectangular, have windows, and not fall over. humour committees Max Barry
606b916 I think cynicism often disguises itself as humour. humour Michka Assayas
20ba082 "You seem to like helping, taking care of people," he said. "That is admirable." "You enjoy being nurtured?" "Well, that isn't all you promise. When you touch me, I feel a fire at my center. You want me to grow and find my true story, my purpose. You seem to want to be there when I see new things. You want to share and enjoy my discoveries." lovers humour love nurturing Greg Bear
ebae6f8 The boy knew that escaping school was the surest sign of his election. humour election school Flannery O'Connor
aab5bca "How's Uncle Louis today?" "Who?" "And Aunt Maude?" -- humour Ray Bradbury
ff4e367 "... Mary bit her lip. "She is merely saying hello." , Tottie agreed. . Her hand glided over his chest and headed down. cocky " humour teasing Kristen Callihan
344ebfd The plain of Bedegraine was a forest of pavilions. They looked like old-fashioned bathing tents, and were every colour of the rainbow. ... There were heraldic devices worked or stamped on the sides ... Then there were pennons floating from the tops of the tents, and sheaves of spears leaning against them. The more sporting barons had shields or huge copper basins outside their front doors, and all you had to do was to give a thump on one of these with the butt-end of your spear, for the baron to come out like an angry bee and have a fight with you, almost before the resounding boom had died away. Sir Dinadain, who was a cheerful man, had hung a chamber-pot outside his. humour chivalry knights T.H. White
fb1941a All he wanted was enough time to consider all his options without being dragged into his household's petty squabbles or being nagged by his wife about that damnable pilgrimage. Was that so much to ask? Apparently so, for he'd yet to find a peaceful moment at Caen, not with Marguerite sulking and Aimar lurking and Will acting put-upon and Geoff wanting to lay plans and Richard strutting around as if he were the incarnation of Roland and poor Tilda grieving over Maman's absence and his father refusing to heed any voice but his own. humour Sharon Kay Penman
ea33ae3 News of the death of James V on 14 December gave even further cause for rejoicing, because his heir was a week-old girl, the infant Mary, Queen of Scots. Scotland would be subject to yet another weakening regency--it had endured six during the past 150 years--and should give no further trouble. humour henryviii kinghenryviii maryqueenofscots scotland queen england Alison Weir
5e43dfb It's very important my parent's don't think I'm starting to fall in love with people, because then they might notice that I'm growing up, and I'm kind of trying to keep it a secret. I think it will cause an incident humour feminist funny secret growing-up Caitlin Moran
067fdb0 A pottery outside Paris was turning out his picture on thick glazed crockery in a strident yellow and blue. This is what happens when you become a public figure; people eat their dinners off you. humour Hilary Mantel
c661575 He looks at Norris, exasperated. He seems to think that with eloquence, with sincerity, with frankness, he can change what is happening. The whole court has seen him slobbering over the queen. How could he expect to go shopping with his eyes, and finger the goods no doubt, and not have an account to settle at the end of it? humour Hilary Mantel
38218b4 She looked utterly betrayed, as betrayed as the most betrayed person in Shakespeare. shakespeare humour Miranda July
ed2e2fa "At the zoo, I stood in front of the primate cage listening to a woman marvel at how "presidential" the four-hundred-pound gorilla looked sitting astride a shorn oaken limb, keeping a watchful eye over his caged brood. When her boyfriend, his finger tapping the informational placard, pointed out the "presidential" silverback's name coincidentally was Baraka, the woman laughed aloud, until she saw me, the other four-hundred-pound gorilla in the room, stuffing something that might have been the last of a Big Stick Popsicle or a Chiquita banana in my mouth." -- humour slurs racism-in-america Paul Beatty
c39c38f I jumped on Sinbad's bottle. Nothing happened. I didn't do it again. Sometimes when nothing happened it was really getting ready to happen humour Roddy Doyle
6fd609f You might at least acknowledge that I put my self in harm's way on your behalf, Evie' the deeper voice of Viscount Dare came from her other side. Georgina stiffened. ' No you didn't. Go away now.' 'No, I didn't,' he repeated amiably, and nodded. ' Goodbye.' 'Wait!' Evelyn caught his arm. ' What do you mean, on my behalf?' 'I...ah...' He glanced over her head at his wife. 'I don't mean anything. I have a mental disability. humour tristan Suzanne Enoch
d9ed510 Strange bent over these things, with a concentration to rival Minervois's own, questioning, criticizing and proposing. Strange and the two engravers spoke French to each other. To Strange's surprize Childermass understood perfectly and even addressed one or two questions to Minervois in his own language. Unfortunately, Childermass's French was so strongly accented by his native Yorkshire that Minervois did not understand and asked Strange if Childermass was Dutch. humour languages Susanna Clarke
3c863e3 Naw, I say. Mr ____, can tell you, I don't like it at all. What is it to like? He git up on you, heist your nightgown round your waist, plunge in. Most times I pretend I ain't there. He never know the difference. Never ast me how I feel, nothing. Just do his business, get off, go to sleep. She start to laugh. Do his business, she say. Do his business. Why, Miss Celie. You make it sound like he going to the toilet on you. That's what it feel like, I say. She stop laughing. rape sex humour relationship love direspect sexual-abuse Alice Walker
14a9707 "She sighed and leaned her cheek against his shoulder. "How comfortable this is! she said. "And so delightfully vulgar! Does plain Mr Dash put his arm round ladies in hackney coaches?" "When not in gaol he does," the Duke responded." true-love humour regency Georgette Heyer
ff85a04 "Lately...the Peter Principle has given way to the "Dilbert Principle." The basic concept of the Dilbert Principle is that the most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management." humour peter-principle Scott Adams
2229a88 He'd never been shy, but he'd always been a little uncertain around girls. He just couldn't believe they liked him. humour romance funny Robyn Carr
bc48916 "I'll always be your friend," he said. "Your best friend, if you let me. But I want to be your lover, too." He groaned and shifted in his chair. "Soon. I want to be that soon." Then a look came over him. "Oh Gina...I didn't even court you! God, I should date you first before I beg you to take off your clothes!" romantic humour romance funny Robyn Carr
0eaa278 Isn't he cute? That he thinks he has a sense of humour? humour romance funny Robyn Carr
b626f2c "Does still run fiction?" "I have absolutely no idea, Melinda," he said, grinning." humour romance funny Robyn Carr
cef6762 The voice of a donkey braying in the neighbouring meadow seemed like the mocking laughter of demons. laughter humour spats P.G. Wodehouse
1370df4 Fascination exists only in the imagination of the fascinated. humour wodehouse P.G. Wodehouse
3fa7634 "This guy was making me tired. "Thanks for the afternoon's entertainment," I said. "I'll flush a copy of my bill down the toilet. You should be getting it in a couple of days." insult humour humor John Swartzwelder
92bfde6 Whoever thought a naked beach was a good idea never sat in one. humour Janet Evanovich
790b50f Old Enochian running on neural wetware is not the fastest procedural language ever invented, and it's semantics make AppleScript look like a thing of elegance and beauty humour Charles Stross
c05175d We did photograph albums, best dresses, favourite novels, and once someone's own novel. It was about a week in a telephone box with a pair of pyjamas called Adolf Hitler. The heroine was a piece of string with a knot in it. humour novels Jeanette Winterson
262a618 "Well, you may abuse me, be angry with me if you like," Porfiry Petrovitch began again, "but I can't resist. Allow me one little question (I know I am troubling you). There is just one little notion I want to express, simply that I may not forget it." humour crime Fyodor Dostoyevsky
9b75580 - Goblin, that was a dumb stunt. - It sure was. Made me feel forty years younger. humour Glen Cook
b570a92 Whew,' he said, 'I'm glad that's over, Thomas. I've been feeling awfully bad about it.' It was only too evident that he no longer did. humour humor Graham Greene
96cda17 "Nothing more likely,"said Hannasyde. "I've got to try and rattle him." "It's him that'll do the rattling,"said the Sergeant darkly. "he's the nearest thing to a snake I've seen outside of the Zoo." -- humour humor Georgette Heyer
e82d0d2 "I must own, too, that I can't be astonished at his being vexed to death over this business. It is excessively awkward! However, he doesn't lay the blame for that at my door: you mustn't think that!" "I should think not indeed!" exclaimed Anthea between amusement and indignation. "How could he possibly do so?" "No, very true, my love!" agreed Mrs Darracott. "I thought that myself, but it did put me on the fidgets when Richmond said he wanted to see me, because in general, you know, things I never even heard about turn out to be my fault." humour regency Georgette Heyer
b7c41fc So off had gone John to the wars again. But he had not remained for long in the position of a humble volunteer. Colonel Clifton, commanding the 1st Regiment of Dragoons, no sooner heard that Crazy Jack was back then he enrolled him as an extra aide-de-camp. humour regency Georgette Heyer
c57977e As a youth I enjoyed -- indeed, like most of my contemporaries, revered -- the agitprop plays of Brecht, and his indictments of Capitalism. It later occurred to me that his plays were copyrighted, and that he, like I, was living through the operations of that same free market. His protestations were not borne out by his actions, neither could they be. Why, then, did he profess Communism? Because it sold. The public's endorsement of his plays kept him alive; as Marx was kept alive by the fortune Engels's family had made selling furniture; as universities, established and funded by the Free Enterprise system -- which is to say by the accrual of wealth -- house, support, and coddle generations of the young in their dissertations on the evils of America. irony humour playwriting communism David Mamet
719929a "Hey! Give that back!" Panic started to set in. Ignoring the fact that I was only in my panties, I jumped up out of bed and grabbed at the sweatshirt, trying to pull it back to me. I couldn't lose it, I just couldn't. But then his jaw dropped. "You're not wearing pants!" He slapped his hand over his eyes and let me pull the shirt out of his grip. "Damn it, put some clothes on." That gave me pause, and might have made me laugh if I wasn't so freaked out. The demon from hell was unnerved by me being half-dressed?" humour erin-mccarthy liana the-coming-dark Erin McCarthy
35aebdd Henry, you mustn't mind. It is really a kindness to have him.' 'Well, I do mind, Emily,' said Mr Leslie, getting up. 'Kindness is one thing and your family is another. You treat this house as if it were the Ark, Emily, inviting everyone in.' 'At least she doesn't ask them in couples, sir,' said David. 'A female Holt would be appalling.' 'That's enough,' said his father. 'If Mr Holt comes into this house, I go out of it.' He took a cigar from the sideboard and went out, almost slamming the door. humour Angela Thirkell
ee7f544 Now according to German logic, a declaration of war was found to be unnecessary because of imaginary bombings humour worldwar-i Barbara W. Tuchman
012dc40 But it is infamous that they have not told you!' declared Eustacie. 'Je n'en reviendrai jamais!' 'If it's all the same to you, miss, I'd just as soon you'd talk in a Christian language,' said Mr. Stubbs. humour humor french-language idiots comedy humourous-quote idiotic idiocy humourous Georgette Heyer
54b9c93 "A jaw like a mastiff's, a frame like a giant's, eyes like two daggers, a smile like a tiger's snarl,"Bernard murmured. "Aye, he is all that!!" Master Herbert said."A murrain be on him! And when I came to him,what did I do? I did bow in all politeness, yet stiffly withal to show him I'd not brook his surliness." "I did hear ye did bow so low that your head came below your knees,"Bernard said." humour Georgette Heyer
f25d3e8 And it's no use putting her on her honour, because----' 'Because she hasn't any,' Philip finished. 'I wouldn't say that,' said the parrot, 'of anybody. I'd only say we haven't come across it. humour nesbit E. Nesbit
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