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63f6bfe Some drink to forget, I drink to remember. I drink in order to understand what I mean and to discover what I know. Under its benign influence all the stories and dramas which properly belong to the sphere of art are announced by me in conversation. humour oscar-wilde Peter Ackroyd
518d0fe You do not know the madness of scholarly curiosity, Mr Webster. To be interested, and at the same time disinterested... humorous humour scholarly scholars scholarship Muriel Spark
35aebdd Henry, you mustn't mind. It is really a kindness to have him.' 'Well, I do mind, Emily,' said Mr Leslie, getting up. 'Kindness is one thing and your family is another. You treat this house as if it were the Ark, Emily, inviting everyone in.' 'At least she doesn't ask them in couples, sir,' said David. 'A female Holt would be appalling.' 'That's enough,' said his father. 'If Mr Holt comes into this house, I go out of it.' He took a cigar from the sideboard and went out, almost slamming the door. humour Angela Thirkell
606c6ef The thing about a diversion is that it has to be diverting. humour funny diversion Eoin Colfer
30efc9f absinthe removes the bitter taste of failure and grants me strange visions which are charming principally because they cannot be written down. Only in absinthe do I become entirely free and, when I drink it, I understand the symbolic mysteries of odour and of colour. humour oscar-wilde Peter Ackroyd
c3df437 I can recall quite clearly the journey from Omaha to San Francisco which I made with the opera troupe; God had created the world in less time than it took us to travel across America. humour Peter Ackroyd
c57977e As a youth I enjoyed -- indeed, like most of my contemporaries, revered -- the agitprop plays of Brecht, and his indictments of Capitalism. It later occurred to me that his plays were copyrighted, and that he, like I, was living through the operations of that same free market. His protestations were not borne out by his actions, neither could they be. Why, then, did he profess Communism? Because it sold. The public's endorsement of his plays kept him alive; as Marx was kept alive by the fortune Engels's family had made selling furniture; as universities, established and funded by the Free Enterprise system -- which is to say by the accrual of wealth -- house, support, and coddle generations of the young in their dissertations on the evils of America. irony humour playwriting communism David Mamet
719929a "Hey! Give that back!" Panic started to set in. Ignoring the fact that I was only in my panties, I jumped up out of bed and grabbed at the sweatshirt, trying to pull it back to me. I couldn't lose it, I just couldn't. But then his jaw dropped. "You're not wearing pants!" He slapped his hand over his eyes and let me pull the shirt out of his grip. "Damn it, put some clothes on." That gave me pause, and might have made me laugh if I wasn't so freaked out. The demon from hell was unnerved by me being half-dressed?" humour erin-mccarthy liana the-coming-dark Erin McCarthy
cb56bd6 "I surround myself with all eight throw pillows while hugging two. "What is so bad and uninteresting about me, Alex? Peter was the fifth break up- "-Sixth-" "-Sixth break up in the last two years. And I'm always the dumpee. Are my conversations that boring that no man wants to stay?" "Sandra, with this topic, yes. But usually, no." humour life-and-living Rose Brown
abf1c9a "I don't remember the whole thing, because it was very long, but Atticus recited it for me once, and there was a line that went like this: "Cry ham hock and let slip the hogs of war!" I know you might not agree, but for me that was the best thing Shakespeare ever wrote." You mean, "Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war" from Julius Caesar? "No, I don't think that's it. There was ham in there; I'm sure he was talking about ham. They were going to battle hunger." I think you might have been hungry when you heard it, Oberon." shakespeare humour granuaile iron-druid kevin-hearne oberon Kevin Hearne
707c0c8 What's it a charm for?' she asked. The man thought about this for a moment. 'It's your basic all-enveloping protection charm,' he said, his hands describing a cupped circle in the air. 'For protection against...' 'Envelopes?' said Abigail. humour protection Ben Aaronovitch
287ef01 Georges told me he would be back, and I have no reason to disbelieve him--but perhaps you'd like to sit down here and write him a letter? Tell him you can't manage the thing without him, which is true. Tell him Robespierre says he can't get along without him. And when you're done, you might go and find Robespierre and ask him to call. He is such a steadying influence when Camille is killing himself. humour Hilary Mantel
54b9c93 "A jaw like a mastiff's, a frame like a giant's, eyes like two daggers, a smile like a tiger's snarl,"Bernard murmured. "Aye, he is all that!!" Master Herbert said."A murrain be on him! And when I came to him,what did I do? I did bow in all politeness, yet stiffly withal to show him I'd not brook his surliness." "I did hear ye did bow so low that your head came below your knees,"Bernard said." humour Georgette Heyer
9304f83 "It was supposed to say "Great Artist" on my tombstone, but if I died right now it would say "such a good teacher/daughter/friend" instead; and what I really want to shout, and want in big letters on that grave, too, is FUCK YOU ALL." humour women strength humourosly-inspirational stress Claire Messud
f367e07 "Mirabeau: "If you have been told to clear us from this hall, you must ask for orders to use force. We shall leave our seats only at bayonet point. The King can cause us to be killed; tell him we all await death; but he need not hope that we shall separate until we have made the constitution." Audible only to his neighbor, he adds, "If they come, we bugger off, quick." humour Hilary Mantel
df94972 "As it 'appens, I am Arthur's right-hand man," said Suzy. "Or left-hand girl, I can't remember where I stood last time. Anyhow, me and Arthur is like two fingers of a gauntlet. Or at least the thumb and the little finger. I mean, I'm his top General, and all. So if I say you're in, you're in." clever humour funny humor make-me-laugh silly epic witty Garth Nix
012dc40 But it is infamous that they have not told you!' declared Eustacie. 'Je n'en reviendrai jamais!' 'If it's all the same to you, miss, I'd just as soon you'd talk in a Christian language,' said Mr. Stubbs. humour humor french-language idiots comedy humourous-quote idiotic idiocy humourous Georgette Heyer
afa2f60 As usual, he saves his wife's for last. He leans on the cane and he looks at the headstone and he thinks about many things. Taffy. He thinks about taffy. He thinks it would take his teeth out now, but he would eat it anyhow, if it meant eating it with her. headstone taffy widower humour sacrifice death love graveyard memory teeth Mitch Albom
ee7f544 Now according to German logic, a declaration of war was found to be unnecessary because of imaginary bombings humour worldwar-i Barbara W. Tuchman
a3066f7 "There's a saying in Hardorn," she continued. "'You shouldn't attempt to teach a goat to sing. It will waste your time, hurt your ears, and annoy the goat.' I can say without fear of contradiction that the goat is getting annoyed." humour goats Mercedes Lackey
6e315b0 "The woman behind the bar called out: 'Why do you stand like hypnotized fish? Did you come to drink beer or to eat food?' 'Be patient,' said Gersen. 'We are making our decision.' The remark annoyed the woman. Her voice took on a coarse edge. "Be patient,' you say? All night I pour beer for crapulous men; isn't that patience enough? Come over here, backwards; I'll put this spigot somewhere amazing, at full gush, and then we'll discover who calls for patience!" humour barmaid pub Jack Vance
459ec61 She seems somewhat morose and out of sorts. Do you beat her often?' 'I must admit that I do not.' 'There is the answer! Beat her well; beat her often! It will bring roses to her cheeks! There is nothing better to induce good cheer in a woman than a fine constitutional beating. humour wife-beating Jack Vance
c582636 Of course I have had to rearrange the text a bit-- bugger about with it, as Hebert would say. humour jurnalism Hilary Mantel
d29e96b mates, to my sisters and me, are seen mainly as shadows of the people they're involved with. they move. They're visible in direct sunlight. But because they don't have access to our emotional buttons-- because they can't make us twelve again, or five, and screaming-- they don't really count as players. family-relationships humour human-frailties memoir David Sedaris
05aa57a "Good morning," she said. "Are you drunk?" She noticed what a split second it took for him to flare into aggression. "Do I look it?" "No. Where is Citizen Danton?" "I've done away with him. I've been busy dismembering him for the last three hours. Would you like to help me carry his remnants down to the concierge? Oh really, Louise! He's in bed and asleep, where do you think he is?" "And is he drunk?" "Very. What is all this harping on intoxication?" humour friendship Hilary Mantel
c9449fa People said-- though this felt like a heresy-- that they had seen Camille make Robespierre laugh. humour Hilary Mantel
520570d As the year goes on, certain deputies--and others, high in public life--will appear unshaven, without coat or cravat; or they will jettison these marks of the polite man, when the temperature rises. They affect the style of men who begin their mornings with a splash under a backyard pump, and who stop off at their street-corner bar for a nip of spirits on their way to ten hours' manual labor. Citizen Robespierre, however, is a breathing rebuke to these men; he retains his buckled shoes, his striped coat of olive green. Can it be the same coat that he wore in the first year of the Revolution? He is not profligate with coats. While Citizen Danton tears off the starched linen that fretted his thick neck, Citizen Saint-Just's cravat grows ever higher, stiffer, more wonderful to behold. He affects a single earring, but he resembles less a corsair than a slightly deranged merchant banker. humour Hilary Mantel
0020c15 Whenever Elliot Norther's wife was nervous she baked. With the murder of Harriet Mason, her husband's close colleague at the Faculty, she had been unable to resist a couple of Victoria sponges. During the frenzied press speculation about the identity of the murderer, a Dundee cake had appeared, followed swiftly by a Battenberg and a Lemon Drizzle. Since news of the Wildencrust murder broke, the kitchen, dining room and study had come to resemble the storerooms of an industrial bakery, every surface heaving with the weight of sponge and cream. Yesterday, having at last been overwhelmed by the fear and rumour that swept the town, she had taken herself off to her mother's house in Hampstead, leaving her husband to soldier on alone. When he had last seen his wife, Elliot Norther noticed that she had been putting the finishing touches to an impressive, triple-tiered wedding cake, beating a batch of royal icing into a sickly paste. humour humor thriller Robert Clear
15ee7e2 "Well, dearest, what would you tell a farmer who had an over-abundant harvest? To plant less, of course!"... "I am not complaining about the frequency of the planting," she said. "I'd just rather not reap a crop every year." sex humour harvest Sharon Kay Penman
23ba380 I tried to make sense of things. Now that I think about it, I have always tried. It could be my epitaph. LEO GURSKY: HE TRIED TO MAKE SENSE. humour Nicole Krauss
c1fc6f5 Mma Ramotswe tucked the cheque safely away in her bodice. Modern business methods were all very well, she thought, but when it came to the safeguarding of money there were some places which had yet to be bettered. humour life-lessons philosophy Alexander McCall Smith
abfc1de He wondered often how he would ever recognize the first chill, flush, twinge, ache, belch, sneeze, stain, lethargy, vocal slip, loss of balance or lapse of memory that would signal the inevitable beginning of the inevitable end. humour Joseph Heller
488c74e Philippe also brought along musicians - mainly trumpeters and drummers - to scare the enemy. Even then, French music was known to terrify the English. humour philippe-vi Stephen Clarke
dfc25b2 Yossarian was moved by such intense pity for his poverty that he wanted to smash his pale. sad, sickly face with his fist and knock him out of existence humour humor Joseph Heller
5f77a30 "Bucks, doe -- thank God everything boils down to money, I always say." "During mating season the doe constructs a bed for herself, and then she urinates all around the outside of it. That's how she gets her mate." "So that's it," murmured Odette. "I was always peeing in the bed." humour Lorrie Moore
2f061cf He didn't look as if he'd been through a whirlwind exactly but he'd certainly endured a stiff breeze. humour breeze untidy whirlwind messy Sara Sheridan
2c0e67f We'd be the Joystick Order. Out motto would be High Score for One, Pizza for All. humour joystick pizza Meg Cabot
cac1d8c "I do no damage. This is damage, this." He picked up a paper from Camille's desk. "I can't read your writing, but I take it the general tenor is that Brissot should go and hang himself." humour Hilary Mantel
e619188 Trevor wondered if anyone in the outside world could even guess at the horror of working in the Planning Department humour work Terry Jones
94e8122 On the other side of St John's house is a fake egg timer who can't maintain an erection. He shares the property with a glossy beef burger called Tom, who has been painted by a seven year old magistrate in order to be entered for this year's Miss East Lancashire competition. Next door to them is a Dundee cake with a lisp. humour non-sequitur satire surreal St. John Morris
9b32cc8 Absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder. It makes people think you're dead. loss humour death humor Christopher Fowler
81832a3 "No one's stopping you," said Jess. "But you've got to make it more interesting. That's why why we drift off and talk about biscuits." humour funny Nick Hornby
b37efb6 Rock and roll, big band, the blues. He loved them all. He would close his eyes and with a blissful smile begin to move to his own sense of rhythm. It wasn't always pretty. humour funny music humor rhythm Mitch Albom
05c70f3 "The entire time Albie followed Beverly around the house doing what the children referred to as "the stripper soundtrack": When their mother stopped walking the soundtrack stopped. If she took a single step it was accompanied by Albie saying only "boom" in a voice that was weirdly sexual for a six-year-old." humour Ann Patchett
cc9d2ba Hobbes: UGH! something under the bed is drooling. Calvin: Start tying the sheets. We'll go out the window. humour Bill Watterson
d9b7ca4 But just as everything was going along politely, quietly and wonderfully -- in poured Citizen Danton and his crew. humour Hilary Mantel
d1a1f70 "Lord Daner isn't my boyfriend," Eleret said, annoyed. She'd let it go by once, but after two mentions, she had to correct him. Karvonen would drive her crazy if he kept referring to Daner that way. "Huh." Karvonen pursed his lips skeptically. "I'll bet it's not because he didn't try." humour humor eleret karvonen Patricia C. Wrede
72350db In a nobler age one could have answered such impertinence by jostling his lordship as he stood holding open the door, so that he would have been obliged to demand a meeting. Or did one, even in that age, refrain from jostling people in doorways when a lady was present? humour regency Georgette Heyer
07838f1 You were not acquainted with my father, Mr Morville. I have often been sorry that you were not, for you would have been excessively pleased with one another. My father was a great reader, though not, of course, during the hunting-season. humour Georgette Heyer
5d3f8cf "May 29, the Central Committee of the Sections goes into "permanent session" -- what a fine, crisis-ridden sound it has, that term!" humour Hilary Mantel
f946fc4 .. when all this started, I asked myself, 'Am I going to withdraw from the world, like most people do, or am I going to live?' I decided I'm going to live - or at least try to live - the way I want, with dignity, with courage, with humour, with composure. withdraw humour courage death life cope dignity decision way-of-life Mitch Albom
0bbaf08 "I think back to those days after the Bastille fell, the Mercure Nationale run from the back of the shop, that little Louise sticking her well-bred nose in the air and flouncing off to bawl out their printer--and you know, he was a good lad, Francois. I'd say, 'Go and do this, this, this, go and tie some bricks to your boots and jump in the Seine,' and he'd"-- Danton touched an imaginary forelock--'right away, Georges-Jacques, and do you need any shopping while I'm out?' Jesus, what a way to end up. When you see him, tell him I'd be obliged if he forgets he knows me." humour Hilary Mantel
b61155b "Please ejaculate", I silently urged the man, "so I can go to sleep". (In this way I imagine I was like millions of women before me" sex humour joke Jon Ronson
4cf63c3 FEE, FI-- Magnus begins. Oh wait, I already said that, he adds. humour Sarah Mlynowski
8645aaf "This may interest you. A letter from my dear cousin Fouquier-Tinville." Camille cast an eye over his relative's best handwriting. "Squirm, flattery, abasement, squirm, dearest sweetest Camille, squirm squirm squirm ... 'the election of the Patriot Ministers ... I know them all by reputation, but I am not so happy as to be known by them--" humour Hilary Mantel
a2005e3 I click to buy it and I'm furious to discover that it's not available in Ireland and they won't post it from abroad and the only place that sells it is Harrods and it's impossible for me to go to Harrods because it's like being trapped in an Escher painting. humour make-up ireland shopping trapped london Marian Keyes
15956d6 "The Robespierre women (as one tended to think of them now) were all on display. Madame looked actively, rather intimidatingly benevolent; it was her aim in life to find a Jacobin who was hungry, then to go into the kitchen and make extravagant efforts, and say, "I have fed a patriot!"." humour Hilary Mantel
e88575f Psipsina emerged from inside the tunic, and jumped up on the table in order to curl up inside the cap, which had been her favourite resting place ever since she discovered the joys of contortionism; she filled it and overflowed from it in such a tangle and jumble of whiskers, ears, tail and paws that it was impossible to tell which part of her was which, and she slept in it because it reminded her of gifts of salami and chicken skins. humour pets Louis de Bernières
20b50e7 It's like George always says: being in a rock 'n' roll band is very sexy, even when you're only the keyboard player and your idea of the perfect Saturday night actually amounts to a bubble bath, a Richard Curtis boxset and a seafood linguine. humour music rock-and-roll Christopher Russell
69d2f27 Peyton, I'm not married and you're not a lesbian. Think of the possibilities. humour romance funny Robyn Carr
3d8ef7e Perhaps a sense of death is like a sense of humour. We all think the one we've got - or haven't got - is just about right, and appropriate to the proper understanding of life. It's everyone else who's out of step. humour julian-barnes Julian Barnes
01e0b3e Humour, if one looks into it, is principally a matter of retrospect. humour theprinceandbetty p-g-wodehouse wodehouse P.G. Wodehouse
d99d9a2 Aye, it could', Ian added. 'It's many a time when I've walked alone on the misty moors of Scotland, the fog creeping in, the waves pounding against the shore, and then the lone, eerie call of a dead chicken. Caaa-cluck. Caaa-cluck humour scotland Terri Reid
4c90047 "What I still don't get though," ventured John. "Is why you did it?" "Did what?" "Put that dress on in the first place." "I don't know really," said Dennis, a puzzled look crossing his face. "I suppose it's because it was fun." "Fun?" said John. "Well you know when we were younger and we used to run around the garden pretending to be Daleks or Spiderman or whatever?" humour David Walliams
682f531 "Ivy looked up, clearly embarrassed. "I'm sorry about your men at the car. I didn't recognize them. They tried to stop me from coming in." My eyebrows rose, and Rynn Cormel's laughter shocked both Ivy and me. "If you bested them, they deserved it and needed the reminder. Thank you for correcting their poor interpretation of your skills." Ivy licked her lips. It was a nervous habit I didn't see often, and my tension rose. "Um," she hedged, trying to tuck her short hair behind an ear. "I think I ought to call an ambulance. I broke a few things." humour Kim Harrison
2e0f8aa "During the next week, everyone noticed that my appetite had improved, even Toddy. "Are you done with your hunger strike?" he asked me curiously, one morning. "Toddy, eat your breakfast." "But I thought that was what it was called. When people don't eat." "No, a hunger strike is for people in prison," Kitsey said coolly. "Kitten," said Mr. Barbour, in a warning tone. "Yes, but he ate three waffles yesterday," said Toddy, looking eagerly between his uninterested parents in an attempt to engage them. "I only ate two waffles. And this morning he ate a bowl of cereal and six pieces of bacon, but you said five pieces of bacon was too much for me. Why can't I have five pieces, too?" humour Donna Tartt
720acb7 "But when she was annoyed with me, she had a cold way of saying "Apparently" in answer to almost anything I said, making me feel stupid. "Um, I can't find the can opener." "Apparently." "There's going to be a lunar eclipse tonight." "Apparently." "Look, sparks are coming out of the wall socket." "Apparently." humour humor Donna Tartt
1bcd6d8 I can tell you that if there's nothing wrong with you except fat it is easy to get thin. You eat and drink the same as always, only half. If you are handed a plate of food, leave half; if you have to help yourself, take half. After a while, if you are a perfectionist, you can consume half of that again ... On the question of will-power, if that is a factor, you should think of will-power as something that never exists in the present tense, only in the future and the past. At one moment you have decided to do or refrain from an action and the next moment you have already done or refrained; it is the only way to deal with will-power. humour dieting-humour easiest-diet eat-half weight-loss-humour will-power weight-loss Muriel Spark
e23b684 Dessert was an over baked chocolate chip cookies the size of a hockey puck and just about as tasty. humour funny dessert joke food Carl Hiaasen
df6be01 Arguing whether or not God exists is like fleas arguing whether or not the dog exists. Arguing over the correct name of God is like fleas arguing over the name of the dog. And arguing over whose notion of God is correct is like fleas arguing over who owns the dog. humorous humour spirituality humor-inspirational spirituality-quotes Robert Fulghum
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