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19591b9 "You realise you're going to owe me dinner after this, right?" "How does McDonald's sound?" "Inadequate." humour romance Sarah Mayberry
e3e462f "Oh! That was poetry!" said Pippin. "Do you really mean to start before the break of day?" travel humour poetry funny pippin lotr J.R.R. Tolkien
1f212b1 Not that my regularly scheduled life was so great, but it beat getting judged unworthy by twelve bearded guys named Erik. humour magnus-chase Rick Riordan
d356ed3 "He says that it is good luck to rub the head of a dwarf," Haldon said after an exchange with the guard in his own tongue. Tyrion forced himself to smile at the man. "Tell him that it is even better luck to suck on a dwarf's cock." humour tyrion-lannister george-r-r-martin George R.R. Martin
8847d2e I? KILL? said Death, obviously offended. CERTAINLY NOT. PEOPLE GET KILLED, BUT THAT'S THEIR BUSINESS. I JUST TAKE OVER FROM THEN ON. AFTER ALL, IT'D BE A BLOODY STUPID WORLD IF PEOPLE GOT KILLED WITHOUT DYING, WOULDN'T IT? humour Terry Pratchett
5cef7f8 Very often the test of one's allegiance to a cause or to a people is precisely the willingness to stay the course when things are boring, to run the risk of repeating an old argument just one more time, or of going one more round with a hostile or (much worse) indifferent audience. I first became involved with the Czech opposition in 1968 when it was an intoxicating and celebrated cause. Then, during the depressing 1970s and 1980s I was a member of a routine committee that tried with limited success to help the reduced forces of Czech dissent to stay nourished (and published). The most pregnant moment of that commitment was one that I managed to miss at the time: I passed an afternoon with Zdenek Mlynar, exiled former secretary of the Czech Communist Party, who in the bleak early 1950s in Moscow had formed a friendship with a young Russian militant with an evident sense of irony named Mikhail Sergeyevitch Gorbachev. In 1988 I was arrested in Prague for attending a meeting of one of Vaclav Havel's 'Charter 77' committees. That outwardly exciting experience was interesting precisely because of its almost Zen-like tedium. I had gone to Prague determined to be the first visiting writer not to make use of the name Franz Kafka, but the numbing bureaucracy got the better of me. When I asked why I was being detained, I was told that I had no need to know the reason! Totalitarianism is itself a cliche (as well as a of pulverizing boredom) and it forced the cliche upon me in turn. I did have to mention Kafka in my eventual story. The regime fell not very much later, as I had slightly foreseen in that same piece that it would. (I had happened to notice that the young Czechs arrested with us were not at all frightened by the police, as their older mentors had been and still were, and also that the police themselves were almost fatigued by their job. This was totalitarianism practically yawning itself to death.) A couple of years after that I was overcome to be invited to an official reception in Prague, to thank those who had been consistent friends through the stultifying years of what 'The Party' had so perfectly termed 'normalization.' As with my tiny moment with Nelson Mandela, a whole historic stretch of nothingness and depression, combined with the long and deep insult of having to be pushed around by boring and mediocre people, could be at least partially canceled and annealed by one flash of humor and charm and generosity. irony history humour politics 1968 1970s 1980s 1988 allegiance arrest bad-crowds charter-77 gorbachev kafka nelson-mandela vaclav-havel zdenek-mlynar prague moscow czechoslovakia arguments exile commitment bureaucracy boredom clichés generosity dissent totalitarianism detention mediocrity charm russia communism loyalty police Christopher Hitchens
bad35e4 You know you've reached a new plateau of group mediocrity when even a Canadian is alarmed by your lack of individuality. humour oneida-cult mediocrity Sarah Vowell
c32a844 Awake,chaos:we have napped. humour obscure naps E.E. Cummings
54e2912 Then she laughed for real, and put her hands around my neck. 'I am never, ever going to make things easy for you Seaweed Brain. Get used to it.' When she kissed me, I had the feeling my brain was melting right through my body. I could've stayed that way forever, except a voice behind us growled, 'Well it's about time!' Suddenly the pavilion was filled with torchlight and campers. Clarisse led the way as the eavesdroppers charged and hoisted us both onto their shoulders. 'Oh, come on!' I complained. 'Is there no privacy?' 'The lovebirds need to cool off!' Clarisse said with glee. 'The canoe lake!' Conner Stoll shouted. With a huge cheer, they carried us down the hill, but they kept us close enough to hold hands. Annabeth was laughing, and I couldn't help laughing too, even though my face was completely red. We held hands right up to the moment they dumped us in the water. kissing humour love clarisse connor-stoll percy Rick Riordan
21236d7 "If I let you go are you going to hit me again?" "What do you think?" "Then I'm not going to let you go." humour romance funny Sarah Mayberry
a8de611 "Say, 'Thank you, Phin.' " "Oh, please." "Say, Thank youvery much, Phin. " "I don't think so." "Say, 'You are a great lover, Phin.' " "I'm out of here." humour Jennifer Crusie
98932f7 "And Raphael will be joining us," Andrea said. "So you get twice the backup. Nobody will be killing you on our watch." So that was what this was all about. I got a cookie after all. "Aww. I had no idea you cared. I'm touched." "You should be." Andrea bit another bacon slice. "I'm willing to abandon the tender embrace of my future mother-in-law for your sake." "About that," Aunt B said. "I'm coming, too." Dear God, the cookie was poisoned." 12% in 'Magic Rises' by Ilona Andrews" humour aunt-b poisoned-cookie kate-daniels Ilona Andrews
de9edda Genius is always allowed some leeway, once the hammer has been pried from its hands and the blood has been cleaned up. humour Terry Pratchett
1874fd3 You set fire to my house, killed my family, and ate my dog. But steal my boyfriend? That's a step too far. humour humor Libba Bray
d81636a I looked at the stained-glass image of the lamb in the window above me, but that only reminded me that lambs are famous for being led to slaughter, or sometimes hanging out with lions in ill-advised relationships. humour funny humor lambs slaughter twilight Maureen Johnson
25c69c8 But the purpose of the book is not the horror, it is horror's defeat. humour funny terry-prachett good-omens neil-gaiman Terry Prachett talking about Neil Gaiman
333cea8 "From the drawer beside the sink Joe Chip got a stainless steel knife; with it he began systematically to unscrew the bolt assembly of his apt's money-gulping door. "I'll sue you," the door said as the first screw fell out. Joe Chip said, "I've never been sued by a door. But I guess I can live through it." commercialisation humour Philip K. Dick
802ad9e "If you still persist in writing, "Good food at it's best", you deserve to be struck by lightning, hacked up on the spot and buried in an unmarked grave." humour Lynne Truss
cd719ad It was said that life was cheap in Ankh-Morpork. This was of course, completely wrong. Life was often very expensive; you could get death for free. humour life Terry Pratchett
a0b46a3 The little waiter's eyebrows wandered about his forehead in confusion. humour zaphod-beeblebrox waiter confusion effect service Douglas Adams
060c31c If you were going to be successful in the world of crime, you needed a reputation for honesty. humour Terry Pratchett
97a9df9 The commander went, as they say in Ankh-Morpork, totally Librarian on them. humour librarian Terry Pratchett
576d8c9 You want fantasy? Here's one... There's this species that lives on a planet a few miles above molten rock and a few miles below a vacuum that'd suck the air right out of them. They live in a brief geological period between ice ages, when giant asteroids have temporarily stopped smacking into the surface. As far as they can tell, there's nowhere else in the universe where they could stay alive for ten seconds. And what do they call their fragile little slice of space and time? They call it real life. universe humour humanity science realism Terry Pratchett
e9a0149 I always thought eating was a ridiculous activity anyway. I'd get out of it myself if I could, though you've got to do it to stay alive, they tell me. humour Margaret Atwood
b223e5f "I'm not going anywhere until you hear me out." Oh, please no. Anything except having to listen to her lecture. I push the button that calls the nurse. a voice bellows through the speaker. "I'm bein' tortured." humour romance young-adult-romance young-adult-fiction Simone Elkeles
d6efb10 There's always time for arguin' when you're a Fuentes. humour romance young-adult-romance young-adult-fiction Simone Elkeles
31f972a "The Romans always wanted bread and circuses-food and entertainement! As we destroy their city, I will offer them both. Behold, a sample!" Someething dropped from the ceiling and landed at Percy's feet: a loaf of sandwich bread in a white plastic wrapper with red and yellow dots. humour wonder-bread percy-jackson rick riordan the mark of athena
d901012 "Tiny," Sanya rumbled to Michael, clenching a demonstrative fist. "But ." humour harry-dresden Jim Butcher
f1cb9c8 "...Recognising, as I do, that you are the second highest expert in Europe--" "Indeed, sir! May I inquire who has the honour to be the first?" Asked Holmes, with some asperity. "To the man of precised, scientific mind the work of Monsieur Bertillon must always appeal strongly." "Then had you not better consult him?" "I said, sir, to the precisely scientific mind. But as a practical man of affairs it is acknowledged that you stand alone. I trust, sir, that I have not inadvertently--" "Just a little," said Holmes." humour sherlock-holmes Arthur Conan Doyle
051bffb Time is the worst place, so to speak, to get lost in, as Arthur Dent could testify, having been lost in both time and space a good deal. At least being lost in space kept you busy. humour humor h2g2 hitchhikers-guide-to-the-galaxy science-fiction Douglas Adams
8026c37 GUIL: It [Hamlet's madness] really boils down to symptoms. Pregnant replies, mystic allusions, mistaken identities, arguing his father is his mother, that sort of thing; intimations of suicide, forgoing of exercise, loss of mirth, hints of claustrophobia not to say delusions of imprisonment; invocations of camels, chameleons, capons, whales, weasels, hawks, handsaws -- riddles, quibbles and evasions; amnesia, paranoia, myopia; day-dreaming, hallucinations; stabbing his elders, abusing his parents, insulting his lover, and appearing hatless in public -- knock-kneed, droop-stockinged and sighing like a love-sick schoolboy, which at his age is coming on a bit strong. ROS: And talking to himself. GUIL: And talking to himself. madness humour plays Tom Stoppard
73ae489 He had them as spellbound as a room full of Ewoks listening to C-3PO. humour spellbinding robots star-wars scifi Cory Doctorow
ceb7699 "Agent Jones held Sinjin's face in his hands. "I'm going to make balloon animals. People need balloon animals." "How right you are, strange delusional man," Sinjin said." humour libba-bray Libba Bray
ef867bc Sober or blotto, this is your motto: keep muddling through. humour wodehouse motto P.G. Wodehouse
0f429d0 At some point I was a Happy African Feminist Who Does Not Hate Men and Who Likes to Wear Lip Gloss and High Heels for Herself and Not For Men. humour Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
c329fae Tiffany knew what the problem was immediately. She'd seen it before, at birthday parties. Her brother was suffering from tragic sweet deprivation. Yes, he was surrounded by sweets. But the moment he took any sweet at all, said his sugar-addled brain, that meant he was not taking all the rest. And there were so many sweets he'd never be able to eat them all. It was too much to cope with. The only solution was to burst into tears. humour tiffany-aching sweets discworld Terry Pratchett
b4a80c9 This is Waldo Butters, and his geek penis is longer and harder than any of ours put together. humour Jim Butcher
5297ee4 Since I've moved here, you have shown up at my door eight times. I obey the laws, I pay my taxes, and I haven't even gotten a parking ticket in my entire time as a driver. Yet if anything at all happens in the neighborhood, you appear at my door. I bet if a meteorite fell somewhere in the subdivision, you would be here asking me if I personally launched it out of my doomsday cannon. humour nosy-officers doomsday sarcasm Ilona Andrews
790f5c4 "There are many other little refinements too, Mr. Bohlen. You'll see them all when you study the plans carefully. For example, there's a trick that nearly every writer uses, of inserting at least one long, obscure word into each story. This makes the reader think that the man is very wise and clever. So I have the machine do the same thing. There'll be a whole stack of long words stored away just for this purpose." Where?" In the 'word-memory' section," he said, epexegetically." humour funny humor Roald Dahl
38ee071 "If it weren't for supplies, I'd never go back down to town. But a man has to do what a man has to do. Hard to live like a king without toilet paper." --Astamur" humour kate-daniels Ilona Andrews
1069e8c That's what yer little sister said,' said Hagrid, nodding at Ron. Met her jus' yesterday.' Hagrid looked sideways at Harry, his beard twitching. 'Said she was jus' lookin' round the grounds, but I reckon she was hopin' she might run inter someone else at my house.' He winked at Harry. 'If yeh ask me, she wouldn' say no ter a signed-' 'Oh, shut up,' said Harry. Ron snorted with laughter and the ground was sprayed with slugs. harry-potter humour J.K. Rowling
b67317c I don't know if you have had the same experience, but the snag I always come up against when I'm telling a story is this dashed difficult problem of where to begin it. humour writing wooster jeeves-and-wooster jeeves wodehouse writing-craft P.G. Wodehouse
4fc9b22 Chater: You dare to call me that. I demand satisfaction! Septimus: Mrs Chater demanded satisfaction and now you are demanding satisfaction. I cannot spend my time day and night satisfying the demands of the Chater family. sex humour satisfaction reputation honour Tom Stoppard
688e6af I was tempted to tell her it was because we were British and actually had a sense of humour, but I try not to be cruel to foreigners, especially when they're that strung out. humour sense-of-humor Ben Aaronovitch
438dcd1 It kind of struck me how great it would be to go out with a guy that size. And if you, you know, got tired of dating him, you could always use him as a house or something. humour funny humor size Catherine Gilbert Murdock
55b8719 Horses are calmer people. They also don't throw things at cats. humour faithful moonlight horses Tamora Pierce (Author)
2c64405 "He's all right. His hair is cute." Jonas froze, his lobster fork halfway to his mouth. " Oh my God, you're in love." "I'm not in love." "'his hair is cute'? You never say anything nice about anyone. Coming from you, cute hair is a mating call." " I talked to the guy for thirty seconds. And then he waved at me while i was in the tank." "Holy fuck, you're getting married, aren't you!" " Will you simmer. I certainly am not." humour in-love MaryJanice Davidson
f5384d4 Somebody should have taken him to a stationary store and pointed out the difference between an envelope and a whore. humour stationary noir Richard Brautigan
75394d8 I got to eavesdrop at a window. As Clay said, I did have another option. I could wait in the car and let them fill me in later. So, eavesdropping it was. humour Kelley Armstrong
0bfb5c9 "I said alone!" He nodded in agreement. "Aye, you usually say that, and I still stay. It's our way." humour romance love paranormal-romance Kresley Cole
0042b71 She introduced herself to my parents with one of her mighty, bunny-crushing handshakes. (I'd never seen Claudia crush a bunny, to be fair, but that's the approximate level of pressure.) humour humor Maureen Johnson
5b59ef9 Nanny Ogg was an attractive lady, which is not the same as being beautiful. She fascinated Casanunda. She was an incredibly comfortable person to be around, partly because she had a mind so broad it could accommodate three football fields and a bowling alley. humour fiction women fantasy Terry Pratchett
1f3deb0 She didn't sound overjoyed. She didn't sound even slightly joyed. humour romance romantic-comedy Sarah Mayberry
f76c3a9 Was it my fault that I got out of hand? --Loki humour funny humor loki Joanne Harris
0280a7a The executioner's argument was that you couldn't cut of something's head unless there was a trunk to sever it from. He'd never done anything like that in his time of life, and wasn't going to start now. The King's argument was that anything that had a head, could be beheaded, and you weren't to talk nonsense. The Queen's argument was that if something wasn't done about it in less than no time, she'd have everyone beheaded all round. It was this last argument that had everyone looking so nervous and uncomfortable. humour inspirational Lewis Carroll
81b2b39 Women treat us [men] like humanity treats gods - they worship us and keep bothering us to do something. humour mythology Oscar Wilde
dee7296 Miss Grantham's sense of humour got the better of her at this point, and, tottering towards a chair, she sank into it, exclaiming in tragic accents:'Oh Heavens! I am betrayed!' His lordship blenched; both he and Miss Laxton regarded her with guilty dismay. Miss Grantham buried her face in her handkerchief, and uttered one shattering word: 'Wretch! humour Georgette Heyer
970c38d "All right." He straightened up and seemed to be true to his promise to let it go. "I will be a man about this." That lasted until he saw the scratches on the hood from the mountain lion and the front fender, Where Abigail had dragged it off the driveway. Wailing, he went to it and sank to his knees. He sprawled over the hood and laid his head on the damaged fender. "I'm so sorry, Bets. I should of hidden the keys. Booted your tires. Something. I had know idea anyone would hurt you so, baby. I swear I'll never let anyone hurt you again. Ayyy, how could they do this to you? How? Oh the humanity!" humour Sherrilyn Kenyon
d72fa6a "She didn't want the medi-techs. She wanted a fucking candy bar. [...] She reached down [...] and chose a Galaxy bar [...] "I'm going home." "You didn't pay for that," Francois shouted after her. "Fuck you, Frank," she shouted back and kept going." humour J.D. Robb
438e183 "Your fate is writ clear;you will be murdered. I cannot conceive how it comes about that you were not murdered long since!" "How odd!Charles himself once said that to me, or something like it!" "There is nothing odd in it; any sensible man must say it!" humour regency Georgette Heyer
125fc40 Unexpected Elizabeth wasn't falling into his arms as he'd anticipated, even after he had acted heroic and been valiantly injured. Perhaps he lost her. humour romance paranormal-romance Kresley Cole
c9b9067 "Tell me, Lothaire, I want to know. Convince me why I should love you." "Because any other female would!" humour romance funny paranormal-romance Kresley Cole
daec21c I should fancy, however, that murder is always a mistake. One should never do anything that one cannot talk about after dinner. murder humour Oscar Wilde
490ad21 SOD YOU, THEN, Death said. humour Terry Pratchett
3430d78 Sarah, honey, I hardly think kidnappers are going to take the time to buy a memento of their stay. I could be wrong, but it seems rather unlikely. humour romance Christine Feehan
c05146f "Adina appealed to the sky. "We asked for rescue and you sent us incompetent rockstar pirates with a broken ship and perfect abs?" "Thank you, God," Petra said." -- humour humor Libba Bray
594d7d2 "I suppose when you say you slept with him, it was more than just a nap?" Lillian shot her a withering glance. "Daisy, don't be a pea wit." humour romance historical-romance Lisa Kleypas
194ef1a When statistics come in saying that only 29 percent of American women would describe themselves as feminist - and only 42 percent of British women - I used to think, What do you think feminism IS, ladies? What part of 'liberation for women' is not for you? Is it freedom to vote? The right not to be owned by the man you marry? The campaign for equal pay? 'Vogue' by Madonna? Jeans? Did all that good shit GET ON YOUR NERVES? Or were you just DRUNK AT THE TIME OF SURVEY? humour Caitlin Moran
ff59144 Sofia the kind of woman no matter what she have in her hand she make it look like a weapon. feminism humour independence defence strong-woman weapon Alice Walker
0ef93b5 I'd managed to find a hobbit in the Caucasus Mountains. I wondered what he would do if I asked him about second breakfast. humour kate-daniels Ilona Andrews
3beed9f "Put me down, I'm too heavy." "You're small enough to fit in my pocket." humour romance funny Sarah Mayberry
47467e6 It's a sad fact of modern life that if you drive long enough, sooner or later you must leave London behind. humour london Ben Aaronovitch
69020c5 "If you would feel comfortable going around to someone's house at the end of a long day saying, "I'm just going to take my bra off," you know you are intimate friends." humour Caitlin Moran
9cd930f And then he heard Mad-Eye Moody's voice, echoing in some distant chamber of his empty brain: Harry bent his knees obediently, preparing to spring. Why, though? Another voice had awoken in the back of his brain. Stupid thing to do, really, said the voice. No, I don't think I will, thanks, said the other voice, a little more firmly . . . no, I don't really want to . . . NOW! The next thing Harry felt was considerable pain. He had both jumped and tried to prevent himself from jumping -- the result was that he'd smashed headlong into the desk, knocking it over, and, by the feeling in his legs, fractured both his kneecaps. humour imperius-curse moody J.K. Rowling
b2c69e2 As I stepped onto the gloomy landing a word formed in my mind: two syllables, starts with a V and rhymes with dire. I froze in place. Nightingale said that everything was true, after a fashion, and that had to include vampires, didn't it? I doubted they were anything like they were in books and on TV, and one thing was for certain -- they absolutely weren't going to sparkle in the sunlight. humour funny sparkle vampires Ben Aaronovitch
51a5414 There was a deep silence, only scraped on its surfaces by the faint quiver of empty seed-plumes, and broken grass-blades trembling in small air-movements they could not feel. 'Not a bird!' said Sam mournfully. 'No, no birds,' said Gollum. 'Nice birds!' He licked his teeth. 'No birds here. There are snakeses, wormses, things in the pools. Lots of things, lots of nasty things. No birds,' he ended sadly. Sam looked at him with distaste. humour sméagol lord-of-the-rings J.R.R. Tolkien
2f610b1 "It's a popular fact that 90 percent of the brain is not used and, like most popular facts, it is wrong. . . . It is used. One of its functions is to make the miraculous seem ordinary, to turn the unusual into the usual. Otherwise, human beings, faced with the daily wondrousness of everything, would go around wearing a stupid grin, saying "Wow," a lot. Part of the brain exists to stop this from happening." humour perception Terry Pratchett
c2cd724 "You seem to know a lot about it," she said. "And you do subtleties." "Yeah. Like I've always wanted to destroy the Nine Worlds while committing suicide." "Well, there's no need to be rude," protested Sif." humour loki sarcasm Joanne Harris
c44f9b5 "Monseigneur, I have killed you! You are dead! You are dead!" You display an unseemly joy," he remarked. "I had no notion you were so bloodthirsty." -- humour Georgette Heyer
dad0ebe It was long after midnight and the stars looked damp and chilly; the air was full of the busy silence of the night, which is created by hundreds of small furry things treading very carefully in the hope of finding dinner while avoiding being the main course. humour Terry Pratchett
311ce27 "He couldn't just come right out with it, could he? No, that would scare her off. He had to be subtle, build up to it. Explain himself. "I love you." Of course, straight to the point was also an effective strategy." humour romance love romantic-comedy Sarah Mayberry
b2df7f5 "Mr Wisdom,' said the girl who had led him into the presence. 'Ah,' said Howard Saxby, and there was a pause of perhaps three minutes, during which his needles clicked busily. 'Wisdom, did she say?' 'Yes. I wrote "Cocktail Time"' 'You couldn't have done better,' said Mr Saxby cordially. 'How's your wife, Mr Wisdom?' Cosmo said he had no wife. 'Surely?' "I'm a bachelor.' Then Wordsworth was wrong. He said you were married to immortal verse. Excuse me a moment,' murmured Mr Saxby, applying himself to the sock again. 'I'm just turning the heel. Do you knit?' 'No.' 'Sleep does. It knits the ravelled sleave of care.' (After a period of engrossed knitting, Cosmo coughs loudly to draw attention to his presence.) 'Goodness, you made me jump!' he (Saxby) said. 'Who are you?' 'My name, as I have already told you, is Wisdom' 'How did you get in?' asked Mr Saxby with a show of interest. 'I was shown in.' 'And stayed in. I see, Tennyson was right. Knowledge comes, but Wisdom lingers. Take a chair.' humour publisher knitting tennyson wordsworth P.G. Wodehouse
66e5c18 "I don't reckon it's allowed, going round setting fire to people," said Adam. "Otherwise people'd be doin' it all the time." "It's all right if you're religious," said Brian reassuringly. "And it stops the witches from goin' to Hell, so I expect they'd be quite grateful if they understood it properly." heaven humour witches hell Terry Pratchett
59ced71 It was a smooth silvery voice that matched her hair. It had a tiny tinkle in it, like bells in a doll's house. I thought that was silly as soon as I thought of it. metaphor simile humour Raymond Chandler
e91b59f Bob loses saving throw vs. shiny with a penalty of -5. Bob takes 2d8 damage to the credit card. humour cult-of-jobs d-d d20 roleplaying-games saving-throw shiny rpg saving geek consumerism Charles Stross
b7b9ef5 If they were going to be like that, then I just wished they hadn't actually been German. It was too easy. Too obvious. It was like coming across an Irishman who actually was stupid, a mother-in-law who actually was fat, or an American businessman who actually did have a middle initial and smoked a cigar. You feel as if you are unwillingly performing in a music-hall sketch and wishing you could rewrite the script. If Helmut and Kurt had been Brazilian or Chinese or Latvian or anything else at all, they could then have behaved in exactly the same way and it would have been surprising and intriguing and, more to the point from my perspective, much easier to write about. Writers should not be in the business of propping up stereotypes. I wondered what to do about it, decided that they could simply be Latvians if I wanted, and then at last drifted off peacefully to worrying about my boots. stereotypes humour german Douglas Adams
1b74e33 Your brother was a terrible traitor, I know, but if we start killing men at weddings they'll be even more frightened of marriage than they are presently. marriage men humour weddings George R.R. Martin
3861b1a "Is there somebody out there? Amy, is that you?" her mother called. "No. Tell me this isn't happening." Quinn rested his forehead against hers. "Has she got a wiretap on you or something? I swear, she's like a walking hard-on detector." Amy bit her lip, trying not to laugh. Quinn levered himself up on his arms. "Mrs. P., if you value your life, you'll go back inside and turn off the light right now." humour romance Sarah Mayberry
793d0ac In a Pyongyang restaurant, don't ever ask for a doggie bag. dogs humour korean-cuisine pyongyang north-korea Christopher Hitchens
7a747d0 Had that poor Reilly kook really been proud of Levy Pants? He had always said that he was. That was one good sign of his insanity. humour John Kennedy Toole
7e56ddf "What are you boys doing?" she asks, as if we're still little kids messing around. "Arguin'," Carlos says matter-of-factly." humour romance young-adult-romance young-adult-fiction Simone Elkeles
7c1e95d She ignores me, so I cup my hands over my mouth and do something I haven't done in years-- barnyard sounds. humour romance young-adult-romance young-adult-fiction Simone Elkeles
3ebcd20 "Fredrika Bimm, what do you think you're doing?" "Freaking out. Losing my mind. Thinking about snapping your husband's spine. Squashing the urge to vomit. Wishing I had died at childbirth." "Oh, you say that when you don't get a prize in your Lucky Charms." humour funny MaryJanice Davidson
e0e0cf1 "Sasha snorted. "I have never in my extremely long life seen anyone take so long to answer a question. It's like you went into your brain and got lost. you need a bread crumb, buddy?" He made a noise like he was calling his pet. "Here Lassie, here. Come back girl." humour Sherrilyn Kenyon
76c308e I learned early and at that kitchen table that there are ways of avoiding, without guilt, the commitments of love. humour humor love theo P.D. James
d7ddfb6 Harry, however, had never been less interested in Quidditch; he was rapidly becoming obsessed with Draco Malfoy. harry-potter humour fantasy J.K. Rowling
bfb4d3e The awful part of the writing game is that you can never be sure the stuff is any good. writing-life humour writing letters P.G. Wodehouse
f4409e3 "Because we live in a world under siege," I say. "Life sucks for mages and magicians- taught me that. Bad things happen to those of us who get involved, but if we didn't fight, we'd be in an even worse state. None of it it's your fault, any more than it's the fault of the moon or the stars." Dervish nods slowly, then arches an eyebrow " " "I always get poetic when I'm dealing with self-pitying simpletons." humour humor Darren Shan
4bb9286 Please, comrade! I just want to chop him up for the stew!' 'And that's another thing! I'm tired of stew! I want to put him in a crust and bake a light fluffy quiche!' 'QUICHE?! What kind of food is THAT for a monster to eat?! humour quiche stupid-stupid-rat-creatures Jeff Smith
e3acc5f "Carlos, are we in complete understanding with each other?" "Yeah," I say. "As long as it's not in your house and you don't know about it, you're okay with us messin' around." "I know you're joking with me. You are joking with me, aren't you?" "Maybe." humour romance young-adult-romance young-adult-fiction Simone Elkeles
f378e64 "The mice were furious." [...] "Oh yes," said the old man mildly. "Yes well so I expect were the dogs and cats and duckbilled platypuses, but..." "Ah, but they hadn't paid for it you see, had they?" "Look," said Arthur, "would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now?" [...] "Earthman, the planet you lived on was commissioned, paid for, and run by mice. It was destroyed five minutes before the completion of the purpose for which it was built, and we've got to build another one." Only one word registered with Arthur. "Mice?" he said. "Indeed Earthman." "Look, sorry - are we talking about the little white furry things with the cheese fixation and women standing on tables screaming in early sixties sit coms?" Slartibartfast coughed politely. "[...] These creatures you call mice, you see, they are not quite as they appear. They are merely the protrusion into our dimension of vast hyperintelligent pandimensional beings. The whole business with the cheese and the squeaking is just a front." The old man paused, and with a sympathetic frown continued. "They've been experimenting on you, I'm afraid." humour science-fiction Douglas Adams
5baa916 If you ever need to confirm that a girl is worth coming back from Hell for, show her your monster arm and see what she says. humour romance humor sandman-slim Richard Kadrey
4caea35 Most people, on waking up, accelerate through a quick panicky pre-consciousness check-up: who am I, where am I, who is he/she, good god, why am I cuddling a policeman's helmet, what happened last night? And this is because people are riddled by Doubt. It is the engine that drives them through their lives. It is the elastic band in the little model aeroplane of their soul, and they spend their time winding it up until it knots. Early morning is the worst time -there's that little moment of panic in case You have drifted away in the night and something else has moved in. This never happened to Granny Weatherwax. She went straight from asleep to instant operation on all six cylinders. She never needed to find herself because she always knew who was doing the looking. humour terry-prattchet Terry Pratchett
050ce62 Igor?' said Moist. 'You have an Igor?' Oh, yes,' said Hubert. 'That's how I get this wonderful light. They know the secret of storing lightning in jars! But don't let that worry you, Mr Lipspick. Just because I'm employing an Igor and working in a cellar doesn't mean I'm some sort of madman, ha ha ha!' Ha ha,' agreed Moist. Ha hah hah!,' said Hubert. 'Hahahahahaha!! Ahahahahahahhhhh!!!!!-' Bent slapped him on the back. Hubert coughed. Sorry about that, it's the air down here,' he mumbled. humour Terry Pratchett
7f81539 I mean, it's a good job we've got a last desperate million-to-one chance to rely on, or we'd really be in trouble! humour last-stand Terry Pratchett
6211eb0 Historical Re-creation, he thought glumly, as they picked their way across, under, over or through the boulders and insect-buzzing heaps of splintered timber, with streamlets running everywhere. Only we do it with people dressing up and running around with blunt weapons, and people selling hot dogs, and the girls all miserable because they can only dress up as wenches, wenching being the only job available to women in the olden days. history humour women larps reenactment wenches hobbies historical wit Terry Pratchett
9231bdd I just think the world ought to be more sort of organized.' 'That's just fantasy,' said Twoflower. 'I know. That's the trouble.' Rincewind sighed again. humour fantasy life Terry Pratchett
6da38c4 There are some laws that are coded into the very nature of the universe, and one is: There Is Never Enough Shelf Space. humour nature space laws Terry Pratchett
3119bb0 You can come after me or you can get the one thing you've always wanted. What? A tattoo of your face on my ass? humour Jennifer L. Armentrout
9d0b84d "Luis is right there." I point to the corner of the yard, where my little brother is the centre of attention doing imitations of barnyard animals. I have yet to inform him that talent isn't as much of a chick magnet when you get into junior high." humour romance young-adult-romance young-adult-fiction Simone Elkeles
a99e313 "Ben walks in the room and asks, "What were you guys doing?" Nikki says "Nothing" at the same time I say, "Your sister and I were just makin' out." humour romance young-adult-romance young-adult-fiction Simone Elkeles
49bfe5a "I'm sorry," he muttered. "If I... uh, hurt your feelings or something." sex humour lover-awakened black-dagger-brotherhood zsadist J. R. Ward
3246c86 I was coming down off the last painkiller left in my dresser drawer after Autumn tossed my stash. In that moment I was so groggy and happy I would have accepted a date with Oscar the Grouch - and planned to do some serious feeling up on the green furry beast too. Yeah, stooping to pharmaceutical-inspired sex fantasies about garbage can Sesame Street characters - that had to be the best Just Say No drug lecture a girl in a leg cast could ever receive to make her go cold turkey off the meds. humour cyd-charisse gingerbread leg-injury oscar-the-grouch painkillers pills rachel-cohn sesame-street shrimp medication high drugs Rachel Cohn
13a1224 ...the primary paradox that man is superior to all the things around him and yet is at their mercy. humour humor jokes G.K. Chesterton
9303e29 The chicken does not exist only in order to produce another egg. He may also exist to amuse himself, to praise God, and even to suggest ideas to a French dramatist. humour teleology G.K. Chesterton
e8c3cd8 The men who made the joke saw something deep which they could not express except by something silly and emphatic. humour humor seriousness language G.K. Chesterton
7211d13 "Whoa, who was that?" "Madison Stone," Kiara mutters. "Introduce me to her." "Why?" Because I know it'll annoy the shit out of you." humour romance young-adult-romance young-adult-fiction Simone Elkeles
245b660 Fat men take a cushion with them wherever they go. humour truth humourous hilarious George R.R. Martin
517e77a "Sylvia grabs my sleeve. "He's a looker." "I know. The problem is, he knows it, too." humour romance young-adult-romance young-adult-fiction Simone Elkeles
18fcc8a "I'm sure I'll take you with pleasure!" the Queen said. "Twopence a week, and jam every other day." Alice couldn't help laughing, as she said, "I don't want you to hire me - and I don't care for jam." "It's very good jam," said the Queen. "Well, I don't want any today, at any rate." "You couldn't have it if you did want it," the Queen said. "The rule is, jam tomorrow and jam yesterday - but never today." "It must come sometimes to 'jam today'," Alice objected. "No it can't," said the Queen. "It's jam every other day: today isn't any other day, you know." humour nonesense jam payment wonderland trickery trick Lewis Carroll
9cfb0bd "I can just imagine what the humidity has done to my hair. I'm going to meet your family looking like a poodle with a live wire shoved up its butt." - Paige Winterbourne" humour paige-winterbourne Kelley Armstrong
d1350fe If natural selection can create creationists it can manage a caterpillar with a face on its arse. humour quantum robert-rankin douglas-adams parallel-universe multiverse sci-fi Zane Stumpo
8242917 After a moment or two a man in brown crimplene looked in at us, did not at all like the look of us and asked us if we were transit passengers. We said we were. He shook his head with infinite weariness and told us that if we were transit passengers then we were supposed to be in the other of the two rooms. We were obviously very crazy and stupid not to have realized this. He stayed there slumped against the door jamb, raising his eyebrows pointedly at us until we eventually gathered our gear together and dragged it off down the corridor to the other room. He watched us go past him shaking his head in wonder and sorrow at the stupid futility of the human condition in general and ours in particular, and then closed the door behind us. The second room was identical to the first. Identical in all respects other than one, which was that it had a hatchway let into one wall. A large vacant-looking girl was leaning through it with her elbows on the counter and her fists jammed up into her cheekbones. She was watching some flies crawling up the wall, not with any great interest because they were not doing anything unexpected, but at least they were doing something. Behind her was a table stacked with biscuits, chocolate bars, cola, and a pot of coffee, and we headed straight towards this like a pack of stoats. Just before we reached it, however, we were suddenly headed off by a man in blue crimplene, who asked us what we thought we were doing in there. We explained that we were transit passengers on our way to Zaire, and he looked at us as if we had completely taken leave of our senses. 'Transit passengers? he said. 'It is not allowed for transit passengers to be in here.' He waved us magnificently away from the snack counter, made us pick up all our gear again, and herded us back through the door and away into the first room where, a minute later, the man in the brown crimplene found us again. He looked at us. Slow incomprehension engulfed him, followed by sadness, anger, deep frustration and a sense that the world had been created specifically to cause him vexation. He leaned back against the wall, frowned, closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. 'You are in the wrong room,' he said simply. `You are transit passengers. Please go to the other room.' There is a wonderful calm that comes over you in such situations, particularly when there is a refreshment kiosk involved. We nodded, picked up our gear in a Zen-like manner and made our way back down the corridor to the second room. Here the man in blue crimplene accosted us once more but we patiently explained to him that he could fuck off. humour zaire douglas-adams Douglas Adams
9d9cff8 He looked up at them, a scruffy Napoleon with his laces trailing, exiled to a rose-trellised Elba. humour Terry Pratchett
641e7e0 the Ankh-Morpork Trespassers' Society was originally the Explorers' Society until Lord Vetinari forcibly insisted that most of the places 'discovered' by the society's members already had people in them, who were already trying to sell snakes to the newcomers. humour funny explorers Terry Pratchett
d19baff "Woss the matter with you?" asked Big Ted, irritably. "Go on. Press 'D.' Elvis Presley died in 1976." I DON'T CARE WHAT IT SAYS, said the tall biker in the helmet, I NEVER LAID A FINGER ON HIM." humour elvis Terry Pratchett
f99e8cb Valuable and ingenious he might be, thought Jack, fixing him with his glass, but false he was too, and perjured. He had voluntarily sworn to have no truck with vampires, and here, attached to his bosom, spread over it and enfolded by one arm, was a greenish hairy thing, like a mat - a loathsome great vampire of the most poisonous kind, no doubt. 'I should never have believed it of him: his sacred oath in the morning watch and now he stuffs the ship with vampires; and God knows what is in that bag. No doubt he was tempted, but surely he might blush for his fall?' No blush; nothing but a look of idiot delight as he came slowly up the side, hampered by his burden and comforting it in Portuguese as he came. 'I am happy to see that you were so successful, Dr Maturin,' he said, looking down into the launch and the canoes, loaded with glowing heaps of oranges and shaddocks, red meat, iguanas, bananas, greenstuff. 'But I am afraid no vampires can be allowed on board.' 'This is a sloth,' said Stephen, smiling at him. 'A three-toed sloth, the most affectionate, discriminating sloth you can imagine!' The sloth turned its round head, fixed its eyes on Jack, uttered a despairing wail, and buried its face again in Stephen's shoulder, tightening its grip to the strangling-point. humour Patrick O'Brian
9dc0899 Dor woke again as dawn came. The sun had somehow gotten around to the east, where the land was, and dried off so that it could shine again. humour Piers Anthony
910aab1 Reason number 106 why dogs are smarter than humans: once you leave the litter, you sever contact with your mothers. humour Jodi Picoult
442b8b0 Yes, sir, there are things to see and do on the French Riviera without spending money. humour risque Robert A. Heinlein
aa6c26a "Tell me when you want to pick it up again." "Tell me when Satan starts a snowball fight." "I'll do that. Lunch?" humour love elena Kelley Armstrong
8a1964e The rottweiler stood his ground and waited for me to take the next step in the dance of ritualized intimidation. Instead, I leaped at him. Screw ritual. Now was not the time to stand on ceremony. humour Kelley Armstrong
c8311fb I'm hungry.' 'Me too.' 'Will you get us something to eat?' 'I suppose I could take a look around. Maybe find a baby bird or a dead squirrel, or something. One word about a quiche, and I'll kill you.' 'While you're up there, try to find some nice, soft grasses we can sit on and be more comfortable.' 'Yes, comrade. ... Here. I found some eggs to suck on.' 'Did you remember to get the grasses?' 'No. I forgot.' 'Are you going to get the grasses?' 'Can I eat first?' 'I don't know why you say you'll do things if you don't mean it.' 'I MEANT it! I just FORGOT!' 'You can get the grasses after you finish eating.' 'Thank you.' 'And try to find some water. We're going to need water if we plan on hiding out here.' 'YES COMRADE! ANYTHING ELSE?' ... 'Y'know, we could've had these eggs in a quiche! humour quiche stupid-stupid-rat-creatures Jeff Smith
7f5eb3c "You," I surmised, and gestured round. "Thank you." "No," he denied. His pale hair floated out from beneath his cap in a halo as he shook his head. "But I assisted. Thank you for bathing. It makes my task of checking on you less onerous. I'm glad you're awake. You snore abominably." I let this comment pass. "You've grown." I observed. "Yes. So have you. And you've been sick. And you slept quite a long time. And now you're awake and bathed and fed. You still look terrible. But you no longer smell. It's late afternoon now. Are there any other obvious facts you'd like to review?" humour the-fool robin-hobb Robin Hobb
869e4cf These blondes, sir, they're responsible for a lot of trouble. humour poirot Agatha Christie
d41094d A text pops up on the screen. It's from Luis. I can't help but grin when I read his perfectly thought-out message. humour romance young-adult-romance young-adult-fiction Simone Elkeles
1d8c927 New Maxi-Pad Pets. Accessories for your period. Brought to you by The Corporation: In your homes and in your pants. humour libba-bray Libba Bray
116fadf Mark Spitz didn't ask about Harry. You never asked about the characters that disappeared from a Last Night story. You knew the answer. The plague had a knack for narrative closure. grief humour stories Colson Whitehead
f7da26c (But he could not bring himself to say he loved her; not in so many words.) humour love Virginia Woolf
c52d22f The joke is generally in the oddest way the truth and yet not the fact. humour truth joke G.K. Chesterton
91ab450 "Kayla snatched the ruby-coloured bra he'd dug out from behind his back. "You should know, you're the one who got it off me," she said." humour kayla Meg Cabot
e50a364 Yes,' Spade growled. 'And when you're slapped you'll take it and like it.' He released Cairo's wrist and with a thick open hand struck the side of his face three times savagely. humour gumshoe Dashiell Hammett
d738ea9 For the moment we might very well can them DUNNOS (for Dark Unknown Nonreflective Nondetectable Objects Somewhere). humour science space physics Bill Bryson
81e6e29 I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be a dickhead. Well, I did. humour romance young-adult-romance young-adult-fiction Simone Elkeles
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