the-sense-of-an-ending

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54397dd	Does character develop over time? In novels, of course it does:otherwise there wouldn't be much of a story. But in life? I sometimes wonder. Our attitudes and opinions change we develop new habits and eccentricities; but that's something different, more like decoration. Perhaps character resembles intelligence, except that the character peaks a little later ;between twenty and thirty, say. And after that we're just stuck with what we've got. We're on our own. If so, that would explain a lot of lives, wouldn't it? And also if this isn't too grand a word--our tragedy.	philosophical psychological the-sense-of-an-ending	Julian Barnes
39ccbbc	The verdict of the coroner's inquest had been that Adrian Finn (22) had killed himself 'while the balance of his mind was disturbed.' I remember how angry that conventional phrase made me: I would have sworn on oath that Adrian's was the one mind which would never lose its balance. But in the law's view, if you killed yourself you were by definition mad, at least at the time you were committing the act. The law, and society, and religion all said it was impossible to be sane, healthy, and kill yourself. Perhaps those authorities feared that the suicide's reasoning might impugn the nature and value of life as organised by the state which paid the coroner? And then, since you had been declared temporarily mad, your reasons for killing yourself were also assumed to be mad. So I doubt anyone paid much attention to Adrian's argument, with its references to philosophers ancient and modern, about the superiority of the intervening act over the unworthy passivity of merely letting life happen to you.	law philosophy society suicide suicide-note the-sense-of-an-ending	Julian Barnes
565b66b	But if nostalgia means the powerful recollection of strong emotions--and a regret that such feelings are no longer present in our lives--then I plead guilty . . . And if we're talking about strong feelings that will never come again, I suppose it's possible to be nostalgic about remembered pain as well as remembered pleasure. And that opens up the field, doesn't it?	julian-barnes memory nostalgia pain pleasure the-sense-of-an-ending	Julian Barnes
369b352	If Tony hadn't been fearful, hadn't counted on the approval of others for his own self-approval . . . and so on, through a succession of hypotheticals leading to the final one: so, for instance, if Tony hadn't been Tony.	in-another-life julian-barnes regret sad the-sense-of-an-ending what-if	Julian Barnes
f6e6a18	My younger self had come back to shock my older self with what that self had been, or was, or was sometimes capable of being. And only recently I'd been going on about how the witnesses to our lives decrease, and with them our essential corroboration. Now I had some all too unwelcome corroboration of what I was, or had been.	former-self identity julian-barnes self the-past the-sense-of-an-ending	Julian Barnes
a956a82	And so, for the first time, I began to feel a more general remorse--a feeling somewhere between self-pity and self-hatred--about my whole life.	life regret remorse self-hatred self-pity the-sense-of-an-ending	Julian Barnes
d791f21	Still, I'm not curious enough to find out. At this stage I prefer not to know.	julian-barnes the-sense-of-an-ending	Julian Barnes
89a7db8	He felt life more clearly too--even, perhaps especially, when he came to decide that it wasn't worth the candle.	feelings julian-barnes life sensitive suicidal suicide the-sense-of-an-ending	Julian Barnes
a1572e4	When you're young--when I was young--you want your emotions to be like the ones you read about in books. You want them to overturn your life, create and define a new reality.	emotions julian-barnes life literature passionate reality the-sense-of-an-ending young youth	Julian Barnes
9c107d3	I thought--at some level of my being, I actually thought--that I could go back to the beginning and change things. That I could make the blood flow backwards. I had the vanity to imagine--even if I didn't put it more strongly than this--that I could make Veronica like me again, and that it was important to do so.	irrevocable julian-barnes the-past the-sense-of-an-ending	Julian Barnes
c6886c5	No, I was an odder old fool, grafting pathetic hopes of affection onto the least likely recipient in the world.	julian-barnes the-sense-of-an-ending	Julian Barnes
c62df99	That next week was one of the loneliest of my life. There seemed nothing left to look forward to.	julian-barnes lonely the-sense-of-an-ending	Julian Barnes
8926cac	Still, as I tend to repeat, I have some instinct for survival, for self-preservation. And believing you have such an instinct is almost as good as actually having it, because it means you act in the same way.	belief julian-barnes self-preservation survival survival-instinct the-sense-of-an-ending	Julian Barnes
96c859b	The answers hardly seemed of consequence. Not much did. I thought of the things that had happened to me over the years, and of how little I had made happen.	life looking-back meaningless passive regret the-sense-of-an-ending	Julian Barnes
9aa7eb7	I replayed the words that would forever haunt me. As would Adrian's unfinished sentence: 'So, for instance, if Tony . . .' I knew I couldn't change, or mend, anything now.	irrevocable julian-barnes sad the-sense-of-an-ending unfinished unfixable	Julian Barnes
27bdd9a	This last isn't something I actually saw, but what you end up remembering isn't always the same as what you have witnessed.	memory the-sense-of-an-ending	Julian Barnes
1a1ce50	Back in 'my day'--though I didn't claim ownership of it at the time, still less do I now . . .	julian-barnes the-past the-sense-of-an-ending	Julian Barnes
335fb2c	But I was wrong about most things, then as now.	the-sense-of-an-ending wrong	Julian Barnes
103d7ad	You might even ask me to apply my 'theory' to myself and explain what damage I had suffered a long way back and what its consequences might be: for instance, how it might affect my reliability and truthfulness. I'm not sure I could answer this, to be honest.	julian-barnes meta reliability the-sense-of-an-ending truth truthfulness unreliable-narrator	Julian Barnes
1fa9a3d	But the very action of naming something that subsequently happens--of wishing specific evil, and that evil coming to pass--this still has a shiver of the otherworldly about it.	evil julian-barnes otherworldly prophetic the-sense-of-an-ending uncanny	Julian Barnes

54397dd

Does character develop over time? In novels, of course it does:otherwise there wouldn't be much of a story. But in life? I sometimes wonder. Our attitudes and opinions change we develop new habits and eccentricities; but that's something different, more like decoration. Perhaps character resembles intelligence, except that the character peaks a little later ;between twenty and thirty, say. And after that we're just stuck with what we've got. We're on our own. If so, that would explain a lot of lives, wouldn't it? And also if this isn't too grand a word--our tragedy.

philosophical psychological the-sense-of-an-ending

Julian Barnes

39ccbbc

The verdict of the coroner's inquest had been that Adrian Finn (22) had killed himself 'while the balance of his mind was disturbed.' I remember how angry that conventional phrase made me: I would have sworn on oath that Adrian's was the one mind which would never lose its balance. But in the law's view, if you killed yourself you were by definition mad, at least at the time you were committing the act. The law, and society, and religion all said it was impossible to be sane, healthy, and kill yourself. Perhaps those authorities feared that the suicide's reasoning might impugn the nature and value of life as organised by the state which paid the coroner? And then, since you had been declared temporarily mad, your reasons for killing yourself were also assumed to be mad. So I doubt anyone paid much attention to Adrian's argument, with its references to philosophers ancient and modern, about the superiority of the intervening act over the unworthy passivity of merely letting life happen to you.

law philosophy society suicide suicide-note the-sense-of-an-ending

Julian Barnes

565b66b

But if nostalgia means the powerful recollection of strong emotions--and a regret that such feelings are no longer present in our lives--then I plead guilty . . . And if we're talking about strong feelings that will never come again, I suppose it's possible to be nostalgic about remembered pain as well as remembered pleasure. And that opens up the field, doesn't it?

julian-barnes memory nostalgia pain pleasure the-sense-of-an-ending

Julian Barnes

369b352

If Tony hadn't been fearful, hadn't counted on the approval of others for his own self-approval . . . and so on, through a succession of hypotheticals leading to the final one: so, for instance, if Tony hadn't been Tony.

in-another-life julian-barnes regret sad the-sense-of-an-ending what-if

Julian Barnes

f6e6a18

My younger self had come back to shock my older self with what that self had been, or was, or was sometimes capable of being. And only recently I'd been going on about how the witnesses to our lives decrease, and with them our essential corroboration. Now I had some all too unwelcome corroboration of what I was, or had been.

former-self identity julian-barnes self the-past the-sense-of-an-ending

Julian Barnes

a956a82

And so, for the first time, I began to feel a more general remorse--a feeling somewhere between self-pity and self-hatred--about my whole life.

life regret remorse self-hatred self-pity the-sense-of-an-ending

Julian Barnes

d791f21

Still, I'm not curious enough to find out. At this stage I prefer not to know.

julian-barnes the-sense-of-an-ending

Julian Barnes

89a7db8

He felt life more clearly too--even, perhaps especially, when he came to decide that it wasn't worth the candle.

feelings julian-barnes life sensitive suicidal suicide the-sense-of-an-ending

Julian Barnes

a1572e4

When you're young--when I was young--you want your emotions to be like the ones you read about in books. You want them to overturn your life, create and define a new reality.

emotions julian-barnes life literature passionate reality the-sense-of-an-ending young youth

Julian Barnes

9c107d3

I thought--at some level of my being, I actually thought--that I could go back to the beginning and change things. That I could make the blood flow backwards. I had the vanity to imagine--even if I didn't put it more strongly than this--that I could make Veronica like me again, and that it was important to do so.

irrevocable julian-barnes the-past the-sense-of-an-ending

Julian Barnes

c6886c5

No, I was an odder old fool, grafting pathetic hopes of affection onto the least likely recipient in the world.

julian-barnes the-sense-of-an-ending

Julian Barnes

c62df99

That next week was one of the loneliest of my life. There seemed nothing left to look forward to.

julian-barnes lonely the-sense-of-an-ending

Julian Barnes

8926cac

Still, as I tend to repeat, I have some instinct for survival, for self-preservation. And believing you have such an instinct is almost as good as actually having it, because it means you act in the same way.

belief julian-barnes self-preservation survival survival-instinct the-sense-of-an-ending

Julian Barnes

96c859b

The answers hardly seemed of consequence. Not much did. I thought of the things that had happened to me over the years, and of how little I had made happen.

life looking-back meaningless passive regret the-sense-of-an-ending

Julian Barnes

9aa7eb7

I replayed the words that would forever haunt me. As would Adrian's unfinished sentence: 'So, for instance, if Tony . . .' I knew I couldn't change, or mend, anything now.

irrevocable julian-barnes sad the-sense-of-an-ending unfinished unfixable

Julian Barnes

27bdd9a

This last isn't something I actually saw, but what you end up remembering isn't always the same as what you have witnessed.

memory the-sense-of-an-ending

Julian Barnes

1a1ce50

Back in 'my day'--though I didn't claim ownership of it at the time, still less do I now . . .

julian-barnes the-past the-sense-of-an-ending

Julian Barnes

335fb2c

But I was wrong about most things, then as now.

the-sense-of-an-ending wrong

Julian Barnes

103d7ad

You might even ask me to apply my 'theory' to myself and explain what damage I had suffered a long way back and what its consequences might be: for instance, how it might affect my reliability and truthfulness. I'm not sure I could answer this, to be honest.

julian-barnes meta reliability the-sense-of-an-ending truth truthfulness unreliable-narrator

Julian Barnes

1fa9a3d

But the very action of naming something that subsequently happens--of wishing specific evil, and that evil coming to pass--this still has a shiver of the otherworldly about it.

evil julian-barnes otherworldly prophetic the-sense-of-an-ending uncanny

Julian Barnes