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602e448
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The pilot episode of Bayou Brethren was a major disappointment, the visual appeal of high-def hog shit having been overestimated by a network vice president who was summarily promoted to a more harmless position. The new network vice president in charge of the project felt the brothers needed a more esoteric vocation to distract from their unappealing personalities, a view shared by potential advertisers who had screened the off-putting pil..
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Carl Hiaasen |
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38d727f
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One time I asked my father, who was super laid-back, if he believed in evil. We'd been watching the TV news when an awful story came on about some guy who went to a crowded movie theater and started shooting everyone, people he'd never met before, even kids. The lawyer for the shooter said he had severe emotional problems (which was, like, no kidding), but in my mind, that didn't account for how and why he devised a plan so awful and cold-b..
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Carl Hiaasen |
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bbd2d02
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Stoat asked, 'Are you a manhunter?' 'More like a shit-scraper,' the visitor replied. 'And I'm starting with you.
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Carl Hiaasen |
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8570a5c
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Malley said, 'What's your problem, T.C.? If these two are dumb enough to swim through a lightning storm, let 'em go.' 'No, no, I gotta think.' The governor said thinking was highly overrated, which made me and my cousin laugh in spite of the situation.
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Carl Hiaasen |
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544e466
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The dog was having a grand time. That's the thing about being a Labrador Retriever, you were born for fun. Seldom was your loopy, freewheeling mind cluttered by contemplation and never at all by somber worry. Every day was a romp. What else could there possibly be to life? Eating was a thrill, pissing was a treat, shitting was a joy. And licking your own balls? Bliss!
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Carl Hiaasen |
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ee25e62
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I'm not a religious person,' Skink continued, 'but stealing a preacher's car is a slime-dog move, even by the gutter standards of today's common criminal.
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Carl Hiaasen |
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be85dad
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He was accompanied by his occasional 'security assistant,' a man called Prawney, who was tall, bald, and African-American. These characteristics were practically mandatory at the security firm that employed Prawney. Many of its celebrity clients were white, and white celebrities always wanted big, shiny, black muscle. It was a status thing.
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Carl Hiaasen |
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435b18f
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Would he go for a bribe? Straight cash?' 'He says it's against his principles,' David Dilbeck said. 'But he's amenable to a free blowjob.' A pulse became visible in Moldowsky's neck. 'Let's see if I understand. Only if the lady goes down on the judge does she get custody of her child?' 'He says he'll consider it, that's all. 'Brownie points' is the way he put it.' 'David, I'll say this: you're one terrific negotiator. They needed you at the..
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Carl Hiaasen |
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f43f5f8
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Killian won't go for it. The mother won't go for it. Hell, Davey, I've got no morals whatsoever, and I wouldn't go for it! It's the worst goddamn thing I ever heard.
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Carl Hiaasen |
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e5b7fc8
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For political reasons, the government's payout to the sugar industry was patriotically promoted as aid to the struggling family farmer. True, some of the big sugar companies were family owned, but the family members themselves seldom touched the soil. The closest most of them got to the actual crop were the cubes that they dropped in their coffee at the Banker's Club.
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Carl Hiaasen |
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b1c2935
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It was a buoyant and eager postgraduate who arrived at the Rosenstiel campus on Virginia Key, for he had grandly envisioned himself sailing the lazy tropics on a schooner, tracking pods of playful bottlenosed dolphins. In this fantasy, Chaz held binoculars in one hand and a frosty margarita in the other.
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Carl Hiaasen |
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0935c9b
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At graduation, the entire Rosenstiel faculty rose as one to cheer Chaz as he crossed the stage, so elated were they to see the last of him.
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Carl Hiaasen |
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89660dc
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From then on the sisters were unstoppable, the go-to team for celebrities in mid-flameout. When Cherry Pye's high-paid publicist jumped ship--after accompanying her to an NPR interview in which she pretended to deep-throat the microphone--the rocket ship was already on fire.
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Carl Hiaasen |
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8c8931c
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We're much more efficient at carnage now. Try your very hardest not to participate.
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Carl Hiaasen |
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af987b2
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Shad pointed to the book on the cocktail table. 'The guy in this story, he turns into a motherfucking centipede. Wakes up one morning and bingo! He's a bug. Sounds asinine, but it sure makes you think. People change overnight, they're not careful.
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Carl Hiaasen |
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01922f9
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This is not a well person. This is a man who put a shock collar on your husband, a man who gets high off frog slime. He's done things you don't want to know about, probably even killed people.' 'At least he believes in something.
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Carl Hiaasen |
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1d97fdf
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You know what this is? A test, that's what. That slippery, hot-blooded weasel is trying to push me as far as he can. He thinks I'm not tough enough. He wants mucho macho. He wants machetes and machine pistols and nightscopes. He wants us to dress in fatigues and crawl through minefields and bite the necks off live chickens. That's his idea of revolution. No subtlety, no wit, no goddamn style.
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Carl Hiaasen |
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d78348d
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To sum up: Figure out what you're good at, and get better at it. Along the way, don't waste your time on people whose decency isn't apparent when you first meet for a cup of coffee. Be an astute judge of character, and learn to judge quickly. Read the news. Pay attention. Always aspire to act in a way that cancels out someone else's cruel or stupid behavior. Never stop worrying. Live each day as if your rent is due tomorrow. And always, a..
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Carl Hiaasen |
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edef5d7
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Bernal believed discipline was essential for revolution. Wiley, of course, believed just the opposite.
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Carl Hiaasen |
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f63a0e7
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So with the endorsement of the Chamber of Commerce, in 1980 Sparky Harper invited fifty travel writers from all newspapers all across North America to come to Miami during Orange Bowl Week and sail the Friendship Cruise. Of course, 1980 was the year of the Liberty City Riots and the Mariel Boatlift, so only nine travel writers showed up, several of them carrying guns for protection.
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Carl Hiaasen |
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a4b29c1
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Late on the night of August 27, with a warm breeze at his back and nine cold Budweisers in his belly, Keith Higstrom decided to go hunting. His friends declined to accompany him, as Keith was as clumsy and unreliable a shooter as he was a drunk.
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Carl Hiaasen |
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b3a6e9d
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As a reporter, Brian Keyes had come to know B.D. Harper fairly well. There was nothing not to like; there simply was nothing much at all.
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Carl Hiaasen |
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c7fc679
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For years Harper had run his own successful public-relations firm, staging predictable dumb stunts like putting a snow machine on the beach in January or mailing a ripe Florida orange to every human being in Prudhoe Bay, Alaska. This was in the boom days of Miami and, in a way, Sparky Harper had been a proud pioneer of the shameless, witless boosterism that made Florida grow.
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Carl Hiaasen |
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89be27e
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The legs weren't hacked off with an ax, which is the most efficient way,' said Dr. Allen, pausing to choose his words. 'It appears from the wounds that Sparky's legs might have been removed by a large animal. They might actually have been... twisted off.
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Carl Hiaasen |
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a686e11
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When Erin arrived, she saw an old man stretched out on the floor. He was surrounded by young medical technicians in blue jumpsuits. One of them knelt beside the lifeless form, thumping the man's chest in perfect time to Janet Jackson's 'Rhythm Nation,' which was playing on the club speakers.
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Carl Hiaasen |
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05791e1
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Why didn't you just ring the doorbell?' Stoat said. 'Why break into the house, and why'd you bust the shower door?' 'To put you in the proper frame of mind,' the man replied. 'Also, I was in the mood for some serious goddamn noise.
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Carl Hiaasen |
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9aa0890
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Look, I'll tell you the whole story, everything, but first let me dry off and put on some clothes, please?' 'No, you stay right there.' The man rose and reached for the toilet paper. 'In my experience,' he said, hoisting his checkered kilt, 'men who are buck naked and scared nutless tend to be more forthcoming. They tend to have better memories.
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Carl Hiaasen |
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3b12254
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The hostess remembered three customers arriving in a black SUV the night before. One of the men, skinny but rough-looking, became belligerent because the restaurant served only beer and wine. The hostess said the loudmouth got wasted on sake and started tossing spring rolls in the air, trying to catch them in his mouth.
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Carl Hiaasen |
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5573fbe
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Car salesman turned governor. How it fried Dick Artemus to hear himself described like that--the snotty implication being that all car salesman were cagey and duplicitous, unworthy of holding public office. At first Dick Artemus had fought back, pridefully pointing out that his dealership sold only Toyotas, the most popular and reliable automobile on the face of the planet! A quality vehicle, he'd said. Top rated by all the important cons..
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Carl Hiaasen |
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c7168ac
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Montana turned out to be better than he had expected, wide-open and friendly, with a few exceptions. A desk clerk at the motel in Missoula shot him a hard look when she saw the name on the credit card. Being a Garcia from Miami wasn't easy these days. Some people automatically assumed you had six kilos in the trunk and a loaded Uzi under the front seat.
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Carl Hiaasen |
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807e3b6
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The first time the boy asked when his real dad was getting out of jail, Garcia took the small hand and said: 'Never, Andy.' When the boy asked why, Garcia said: 'Because your daddy shot a man between the eyes.' Andy appreciated the seriousness of the situation. His sister, Lynne, who was either a year older or a year younger, said maybe her dad had a good reason for shooting the other guy. A hundred thousand reasons, Garcia had said, but no..
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Carl Hiaasen |
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9d07dee
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flap opened on one of the tents, and a gangly figure crawled out. It was Mrs. Starch. She rose slowly, brushing herself off, her eyes blazing at the sight of Nick and Marta.
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Carl Hiaasen |
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b758b2a
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Bernard Beanstoop III, otherwise known as Bernie the Bean, who was only the most famous and most expensive criminal defense lawyer in Tampa.
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Carl Hiaasen |
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a28bc8d
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After the first gunshot, they dove to the ground and pressed themselves flat. Then came two other shots, followed shortly by more. Nick was sure he heard one of the bullets zing off a nearby tree.
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Carl Hiaasen |
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36fdbe3
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One spring evening in 1896, a prominent Pennsylvanian named Hamilton Disston blew his brains out in a bathtub. He had become gravely depressed after depleting his inheritance on a grandiose campaign to drain 4 million acres of Florida swamp known as the Everglades. Although Disston died believing himself a failure, he was later proven a pioneer and an inspiration. In the years that followed, one version or another of his rapacious fantasy w..
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Carl Hiaasen |
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ac36374
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Since the medical board was made up mostly of other doctors, Rudy Graveline had fully expected exoneration--physicians stick together like shit on a shoe.
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Carl Hiaasen |
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7e175c9
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The board immediately reinstated Rudy's license and sealed all the records from the public and the press--thus honoring the long-held philosophy of Florida's medical establishment that the last persons who need to know about a doctor's incompetence are the patients.
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Carl Hiaasen |
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28703cb
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Lower your sights, boy,' he said to Joe Winder. 'I agree, justice is probably out of the question. But we can damn sure ruin their day.
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Carl Hiaasen |
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42b0846
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Some crazy shithead with a .38--it's the story of America, isn't it?' 'We live in violent times. That's what they say.' 'Guys like that, they give violence a bad name.
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Carl Hiaasen |
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296bd91
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Hey, where's your girlfriend? The one that was down at Flamingo?" "Oh, she's home cleaning the machine guns." Tool wasn't sure if the guy was joking. Then, out of the blue, it hit him--that's who the picture on the altar looked like: the blackmailer's girlfriend."
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Carl Hiaasen |
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a3634b9
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Like everything else at the Amazing Kingdom, the Vole Project had begun as a scheme to compete with Walt Disney World. Years earlier, Disney had tried to save the dusky seaside sparrow, a small marsh bird whose habitat was being wiped out by overdevelopment along Florida's coastline. With much fanfare, Disney had unveiled a captive-breeding program for the last two surviving specimens of the dusky. Unfortunately, the last two surviving spec..
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Carl Hiaasen |
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6605674
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Erin thought, ludicrously, of how disappointed her mother would be. When one's only daughter is hacked to death wearing a sequined bra top and a G-string--well, there's really no way to explain it to one's friends at the orchid club.
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Carl Hiaasen |
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cc60dcd
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Confrontation,' he declared, 'is the essence of nature!' He shook his silvery braid loose and let his hair stream out behind him. 'Confrontation is the rhythm of life,' he went on. 'In nature violence is pure and purposeful, one species against another in an act of survival!' Terrific, Decker thought. Marlin Perkins on PCP.
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Carl Hiaasen |
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8850ca5
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Thank God they didn't know about it, all those people who feared and needed and sucked up to Palmer Stoat, big-time lobbyist. All those important men and women clogging up his voice mail in Tallahassee... the mayor of Orlando, seeking Stoat's deft hand in obtaining $45 million in federal highway funds--Disney World, demanding yet another exit off Interstate 4; the president of a slot machine company, imploring Stoat to arrange a private din..
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Carl Hiaasen |