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88c25c8
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Here I am, just turned fifty, and I forgot that my father isn't dead yet!
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David Sedaris |
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491461d
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The next summer we went to France for six weeks, and I added another 420 words, most of them found in the popular gossip magazine, 'Voici'. "Man-eater", I'd say. "Gold digger, roustabout, louse". "Who are you talking about?" my neighbors would ask. "What social climber? Where?"
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David Sedaris |
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8d23d31
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Behind the naive vanities, the daydreams, they had very badly wanted to be writers. Had wanted it without knowing at all what it was they wanted, their fervor making up for their ignorance. His older self was cooler, more noncommittal, for he had learned that to publicize your goals means running the risk of falling short of them.
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David Sedaris |
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267eaa8
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The people I hung out with in my early twenties were middle-class and, at least to our minds, artistic. We'd all turned our backs on privilege, but comfortably, the way you can when you still have access to it.
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David Sedaris |
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e2fed17
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Shit is the tofu of cursing and can be molded to whichever condition the speaker desires.
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David Sedaris |
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5c3c1b7
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The offices were like a national holding center for the trainably banal, occupied by people who decorated their cubicles with quilted, heart-shaped picture frames and those tiny plush bears with the fierce spring grip that cling to lamps and computer terminals, personalized to read "Terri's bear" or "I wuv you very beary much!"
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David Sedaris |
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b92c360
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We started when I was in the fourth grade, which would have made me ten, I guess. It's different for everyone, but at that age, though I couldn't have said that I was gay, I knew that I was not like the other boys in my class or my Scout troop. While they welcomed male company, I shrank from it, dreaded it, feeling like someone forever trying to pass, someone who would eventually be found out, and expelled from polite society. Is this how a..
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David Sedaris |
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2c49b08
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It was like watching someone you hate getting mugged: three seconds of hard-core violence, and when it was over you just wanted it to happen again.
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David Sedaris |
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c895c1d
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Moving heavy objects allowed me to feel manly in the eyes of other men. With the women it didn't matter, but I enjoyed subtly intimidating the guys with bad backs who thought they were helping out by telling us how to pack the truck. The thinking was that because we were furniture movers, we obviously weren't too bright. In addition to being strong and stupid, we were also thought of as dangerous. It might have been an old story to Patrick ..
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intimidating
manly
manual-labor
movers
unintelligent
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David Sedaris |
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d4586e5
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The better country club operated on the principle that Raleigh mattered, that its old families were fine ones, and that they needed a place where they could enjoy one another's company without being pawed at. Had we not found this laughable, our country club might have felt desperate.
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David Sedaris |
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4c75556
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It was, I thought, what evil must smell like.
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David Sedaris |
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65a7ce8
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Built around 1780... a two-hour train ride from Paris... the neighbor keeps his horses in my backyard... pies made with apples from my own trees..." I caught the highlights of Hugh's broadcast and understood that my first goal was to make him my boyfriend, to trick or blackmail him into making some sort of commitment. I know it sounds calculating, but if you're not cute, you might as well be clever."
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humor
relationships
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David Sedaris |
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a5e7bd5
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There were no computers in my high school, and the first two times I attempted college, people were still counting on their fingers and removing their shoes when the numbers got above ten.
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David Sedaris |
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590e1fb
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What they do at 6:00 a.m. is anyone's guess. I only know that they're incredibly self-righteous about it and talk about the dawn as if it's a personal reward, bestowed on account of their great virtue.
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David Sedaris |
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f221e8a
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I said that Santa no longer traffics in coal. Instead, if you're bad he comes to your house and steals things.
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David Sedaris |
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4d90f92
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North Carolina is temperate and populated with well-meaning people; therefore I will engage in oral sex with another man.
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David Sedaris |
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c4cac31
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In 2004, I offered priority (book)-signing to smokers, the reason being that, because they didn't have as long to live, their time was more valuable. Four years later my special treatment was reserved for men who stood five-foot-six and under. "That's right, my little friends," I announced. "There'll be no waiting in line for you." It seemed unfair to restrict myself to men, so I included any woman with braces on her teeth. "What about us?"..
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David Sedaris |
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8f71bad
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she was the human equivalent of a storm cloud.
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David Sedaris |
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77a0332
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Oh, for Christ's sake," I hear. "Can we please just try to have a good time?" This is like ordering someone to find you attractive, and it doesn't work. I've tried it."
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David Sedaris |
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98518a0
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In his work shirt and underpants, he looked powerful but also cartoonish, like a bear dressed up for a job interview.
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David Sedaris |
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6a94b7d
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what fantasies are for: they allow you to skip the degradation and head straight to the top.
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David Sedaris |
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16a1ab3
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February 16, 1988 Reasons to live: 1. Christmas 2. The family beach trip 3. Writing a published book 4. Seeing my name in a magazine 5. Watching C. grow bald 6. Ronnie Ruedrich 7. Seeing Amy on TV 8. Other people's books 9. Outliving my enemies 10. Being interviewed by Terry Gross on "Fresh Air"
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David Sedaris |
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c77a729
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One of the things we laughed about was an old episode of The Newlywed Game. The host asked the wives, "What's the most exotic place you've ever made love?" He was likely expecting "The kitchen" or "On a tennis court at night," but one woman didn't quite understand the question and answered, "In the butt." --
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David Sedaris |
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a9dd9fb
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My understanding was that it completed a person, sanding down the rough provincial edges and transforming you into a citizen of the world.
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David Sedaris |
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7d9276d
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Listen, you might want to pack a few of your things together before going to bed. The former bishop of Turkey will be coming tonight along with six to eight black men. They might put some candy in your shoes, they might stuff you into a sack and take you to Spain, or they might just pretend to kick you. We don't know for sure, but we want you to be prepared.
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David Sedaris |
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9f6a1fe
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Movie characters might chase each other through the fog or race down the stairs of burning buildings, but that's for beginners. Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings. I wanted to say something to this effect, but my hand puppets were back home in their drawer. Instead, I pulled my chair a few inches closer, and we sat silently at our little table on the square..
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David Sedaris |
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7833eba
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At a chain coffee bar in San Francisco, I saw a sign near the cream counter that read NAPKINS COME FROM TREES -- CONSERVE! In case you missed the first sign, there was a second one two feet away, reading YOU WASTE NAPKINS -- YOU WASTE TREES!!! The cups, of course, are also made of paper, yet there's no mention of the mighty redwood when you order your four-dollar coffee. The guilt applies only to those things that are being given away for f..
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David Sedaris |
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d29e96b
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mates, to my sisters and me, are seen mainly as shadows of the people they're involved with. they move. They're visible in direct sunlight. But because they don't have access to our emotional buttons-- because they can't make us twelve again, or five, and screaming-- they don't really count as players.
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family-relationships
human-frailties
humour
memoir
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David Sedaris |
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5cf292d
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I'd heard once in school that if a single bird were to transport all the sand, grain by grain, from the eastern seabord to the west coast of Africa, it would take... I didn't catch the number of years, preferring to concentrate on the single bird chosen to perform this thankless task. It hardly seemed fair, because, unlike a horse or a Seeing Eye dog, the whole glory of being a bird is that nobody would ever put you to work. Birds search fo..
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David Sedaris |
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b61b0ab
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You tell yourself that if you traveled alone to Europe this summer, you could surely do the same thing next year, and the year after that. Of course you don't, though, and the next thing you know you're an aging, unemployed elf so desperate for love you spend your evening mooning over a straight alcoholic.
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David Sedaris |
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99e6ee3
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Then I met a woman named Janine who was bitten and had to spend a week in the hospital. "It was completely my own fault," she said. "I shouldn't have been wearing sandals." "It didn't have to strike you," I reminded her. "It could have just slid away." Janine was the type who'd likely blame herself for getting mugged. "It's what I get for having anything worth taking!" she'd probably say."
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David Sedaris |
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9c27eed
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You look like some cousin of mine." The latter would work only if you were Asian, but even then it's a little creepy, the implication being "the cousin I have always wanted to undress and ejaculate on."
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David Sedaris |
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85d1c38
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Given the choice between four perfectly acceptable movies, they invariably opt for a walk through the Picasso museum or a tour of the cathedral, saying, "I didn't come all the way to Paris so I can sit in the dark." They make it sound so bad. "Yes," I say, "but this is the French dark. It's... darker than the dark we have back home."
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David Sedaris |
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b5ccaf4
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But songbirds are trash," the chicken said, and the guinea hen laughed, saying, "Well, then, I guess we could all use a little more trash in our lives."
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David Sedaris |
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0514468
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there's only so much you can do for a person who thinks Auschwitz is a brand of beer.
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David Sedaris |
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f6f7306
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The rules were just different back then, especially in regard to corporal punishment. Not only could you hit your own children, but you could also hit other people's.
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David Sedaris |
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4ad3c3b
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Fly enough, and you learn to go brain-dead when you have to. It's sort of like time travel. One minute you're bending to unlace your shoes,and the next thing you know you're paying fourteen dollars for a fruit cup, wondering, How did I get here?
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David Sedaris |
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2b7ee6f
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If you don't think a mental patient has the right to bring a sawed-off shotgun to the church where his ex-girlfriend is getting married, you're part of the problem.
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David Sedaris |
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d22f271
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It's common to be misread by people who don't know you.
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David Sedaris |
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3064cb8
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All of us take pride and pleasure in the fact that we are unique, but I'm afraid that when all is said and done the police are right: it all comes down to fingerprints.
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individuality
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David Sedaris |
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c187adb
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Delinquent style is timeless. Real trouble doesn't walk around with a ponytail. It doesn't have a Mohawk or special shoelace patterns. Real trouble has a bad complexion and a Windbreaker.
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David Sedaris |
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0dfb8fd
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Back off, world. It's time for me to be good to me.
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David Sedaris |
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8ece990
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Other people's pain is uninteresting. My own, though, is spellbinding.
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David Sedaris |
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120aebe
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September 12, 2001 Paris Last night on TV I watched people jump from the windows of the World Trade Center.
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David Sedaris |