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669f819
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My hands tend to be full enough dealing with people who hate me for _who_ I am. Concentrate too hard on the millions who hate you for _what_ you are and you're likely to turn into one of those unkempt, sloppy dressers who sag beneath the weight of the two hundred political buttons they wear pinned to their coats and knapsacks. I haven't got the slightest idea of how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates ju..
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David Sedaris |
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7d433da
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Plenty of animals had pets, but few were more devoted than the mouse, who owned a baby corn snake--"A rescue snake, she'd be quick to inform you. This made it sound like he'd been snatched from the jaws of a raccoon, but what she'd really rescued him from was a life without her love. And what sort of a life would that have been?"
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pets
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David Sedaris |
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7462bba
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Owl love you forever
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funny
humer
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David Sedaris |
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18de2a7
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My sister's the type who religiously watches the fear segments of her local Eyewitness News broadcasts, retaining nothing but the headline...Everything is dangerous all of the time, and if it's not yet been pulled off the shelves, then it's certainly under investigation -- so there.
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David Sedaris |
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6b9138f
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I had paid for my folly and, as a reward, was invited to take part in the nest builder's performance piece. The script was great. 'When I bleat here, do you want me to just bleat or to really let go and "bleat, bleat"?' I asked. 'I feel like "bleat, bleating," but if Mother/Destroyer is going to be crawling through the birth canal of concertina wire, I don't want to steal focus, you know what I mean?"
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David Sedaris |
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cf85e44
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To spend your days in the company of naked men - that was the life for me. 'Turn a bit to the left, Jean-Claude. I long to capture the playful quality of your buttocks.
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David Sedaris |
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f1ecebc
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It's always so satisfying when you can twist someone's hatred into guilt--make her realize that she was wrong, too quick to judge, too unwilling to look beyond her own petty concerns.
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David Sedaris |
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6ef135e
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Six months earlier, my ice breaker concerned a stripper who became a quadriplegic and eventually had her vagina eaten away by bedsores, not the easiest thing to wrangle into a conversation. But if I could pull that off, I figured that a burning mouse should pose no problem.
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David Sedaris |
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34c27e7
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I think about death all the time, but only in a romantic, self-serving way, beginning, most often, with my tragic illness and ending with my funeral. I see my brother squatting beside my grave, so racked by guilt that he's unable to stand. "If only I'd paid him back that twenty-five thousand dollars I borrowed," he says. I see Hugh, drying his eyes on the sleeve of his suit jacket, then crying even harder when he remembers I bought it for h..
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David Sedaris |
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dc4e60b
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The six to eight black men were characterized as personal slaves until the mid-1950s, when the political climate changed and it was decided that instead of being slaves they were just good friends.
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David Sedaris |
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f50ed9f
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Drawing attention to Gretchen's weight was the sort of behavior my mother referred to as 'stirring the turd,' and I did it a lot that summer.
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David Sedaris |
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a156caf
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The way I saw it, if my students were willing to pretend I was a teacher, the least I could do was return the favor and pretend that they were writers.
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writing
satire
teaching
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David Sedaris |
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a34c589
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Why do you think she did it?" I asked as we stepped back into the sunlight. For that's all any of us were thinking, had been thinking, since we got the news. Mustn't Tiffany have hoped that whatever pills she'd taken wouldn't be strong enough and that her failed attempt would lead her back into our fold? How could anyone purposefully leave us--us, of all people? This is how I thought of it, for though I've often lost faith in myself, I've n..
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David Sedaris |
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57779df
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The word 'phobic' has its place when properly used, but lately it's been declawed by the pompous insistence that most animosity is based upon fear rather than good old-fashioned loathing.
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David Sedaris |
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01389dc
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If you don't want to marry a homosexual, then don't. But what gives you the right to weigh in on your neighbor's options? It's like voting on whether or not redheads should be allowed to celebrate Christmas.
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David Sedaris |
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c7cc9d2
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She just happens to be my father, young man, and I'd appreciate it of you'd show her a little respect.
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David Sedaris |
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e382a06
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When visitors leave, I feel like an actor watching the audience file out of the theater, and it was no different with my sisters. The show over, Hugh and I returned to lesser versions of ourselves. We're not a horrible couple, but we have our share of fights, the type that can start with a misplaced sock and suddenly be about everything. "I haven't liked you since 2002," he hissed during a recent argument over which airport security line wa..
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David Sedaris |
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3d43eb2
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Everyone had taken their places, when I excused myself to visit the bathroom, and there, in the toilet, was the absolute biggest turd I have ever seen in my life - no toilet paper or anything, just this long and coiled specimen, as thick as a burrito.
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David Sedaris |
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63d3561
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Like most seasoned phonies, I roundly suspect that everyone is as disingenuous as I am.
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humorist
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David Sedaris |
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97b9524
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When it happens to you it's a national tragedy-- you wonder. Only when it happens to someone else do you realize what a dull story it really is.
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David Sedaris |
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05da52b
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Dad followed his I'm-So-Disappointed speech with a lecture on career opportunities. "You're going to study literature and get a job doing what?" he said. "Literaturizing?"
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David Sedaris |
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0b63bb8
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Today a child told Santa Ken that he wanted his dead father back and a complete set of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Everyone wants those Turtles.
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David Sedaris |
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b5b8d23
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You just take and take don't you? Out there with your thumb in the air--not a care in the world, just grabbing whatever you can get. Yes, sir, you just take and take until you're ready to burst. But what about giving? Did you ever think about that? Of course not--you're too busy taking, Mr. Handout, Mr. Gimmee, Gimmee, Gimmee. Me, I'm what you call a 'taxpayer.' Tax, it's a... tariff that working people have to pay so that someone like your..
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David Sedaris |
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4415019
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I wanted to deny him, but that's the terrible power of a diary: it not only calls forth the person you used to be but rubs your nose in him, reminding you that not all change is evolutionary. More often than not, you didn't learn from your mistakes. You didn't get wiser, but simply older, growing from the twenty-five-year-old who got stoned and accidentally peed on his friend Katherine's kitten to the thirty-five-year-old who got drunk and ..
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David Sedaris |
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63f777c
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When visitors leave, I feel like an actor watching the audience file out of the theater, and it was no different with my sisters. The show over, Hugh and I returned to lesser versions of ourselves. We're not a horrible couple, but we have our share of fights, the type that can start with a misplaced sock and suddenly be about everything. "I haven't liked you since 2002," he hissed during a recent argument over which airport security line wa..
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David Sedaris |
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4424f0b
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What are you, tap dancing up there? You want a put on a show, do you? Well, the theater's closed for the night. Take your act on the road; it's four o'clock in the morning,goddamnit.
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David Sedaris |
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c939f49
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that's what fantasies are for: they allow you to skip the degradation and head straight to the top.
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David Sedaris |
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c74a483
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I attributed their behavior to the fact that they didn't have a TV, but television didn't teach you everything. Asking for candy on Halloween was called trick-or-treating, but asking for candy on November first was called begging, and it made people uncomfortable. This was one of the things you were supposed to learn simply by being alive, and it angered me that the Tomkeys did not understand it.
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humour
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David Sedaris |
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5dddb62
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A few years later, in the midst of a brief academic setback, she trained him to act as her emotional cheerleader. I'd call and hear him in the background, screaming, "We love you, Lisa!" and "You can do it!"
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David Sedaris |
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d485661
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The fake slap invariably makes contact, adding the elements of shock and betrayal to what had previously been plain old-fashioned fear.
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David Sedaris |
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6f28022
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You'd have to be blind, deaf, and dumb not to know what you're getting yourself into, so if there's blame, blame yourself.
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David Sedaris |
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0deac97
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After that there was nothing left to say as nothing gets on my nerves more than someone repeating the same phrase twice. I think it's something people have picked up from television, this emotional stutter. Rather than say something interesting once, they repeat a cliche and hope for the same effect
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David Sedaris |
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6a4e829
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You have what we in France call 'good time teeth,'" she said. "Why on earth would you want to change them?" "Um, because I can floss with the sash to my bathrobe?"
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David Sedaris |
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71c33a2
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Then he reached to an even higher shelf and brought down another plastic grocery bag, this one from Tesco, which is decidedly less upscale. "Now, a smell is going to hit you when I open this up, but don't worry," he said. "It's just the smoke they used to preserve the head." That's a phrase you don't hear too often, so it took a moment for it to sink in."
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David Sedaris |
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22df7c9
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The iPhone 2 led to the 3, but I didn't get the 4 or 5 because I'm holding out for the 7, which, I've heard on good authority, can also be used as a Taser. This will mean I'll have just one less thing to carry around.
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David Sedaris |
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882bcb1
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True art was based upon despair, and the important thing was to make yourself and those around you as miserable as possible.
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David Sedaris |
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96ab2e9
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The thought of killing myself had slowed me down to five miles per hour. The thought of killing someone else stopped me completely.
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sedaris
naked
memoir
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David Sedaris |
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6c4e5df
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the beauty of an art school: as long as you can pay the tuition, they will never, even in the gentlest way, suggest that you have no talent.
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David Sedaris |
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3c686eb
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The woman had decided that I was a hard-ass, one of those guys who refuse under any circumstances to do anyone a favor. But it's not true. I just prefer that the favor be idea, and that it leaves me feeling kind rather than bullied and uncomfortable.
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David Sedaris |
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14bfd9f
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What's wrong?" he said. "I'll tell you what's wrong: you're killing us." "But I thought that's what you wanted?"
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David Sedaris |
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ee4e4b3
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One afternoon while driving back from the beach, Hugh pointed out a McDonald's bag vomiting its contents onto the pavement. "I say that any company whose products are found on the ground automatically has to go out of business," he said. This is how we talk nowadays, as if our pronouncements hold actual weight and can be implemented at our discretion, like we're kings or warlocks. "That means no more McDonald's, no more Coke - none of it." ..
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David Sedaris |
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1b45980
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Everyone in America is extremely concerned with hydration. Go more than five minutes without drinking, and you'll surely be discovered behind a potted plant, dried out like some escaped hermit crab. When I was young no one would think to bring a bottle of water into a classroom. I don't think they even sold bottled water. We survived shopping trips without it, and funerals. Now, though, you see people with those barrels that Saint Bernards ..
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David Sedaris |
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dfd51d4
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The nice thing about crowds is that someone can throw a bottle and you don't take it personally.
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urban-life
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David Sedaris |
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39f28f8
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Neither were we allowed to choose what we ate. I have a friend whose seven-year-old will only consider something if it's white. Had I tried that, my parents would have said, "You're on," and served me a bowl of paste, followed by joint compound, and, maybe if I was good, some semen."
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David Sedaris |