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c3adab9
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I'd come across a strap-on penis. It seemed pretty old and was Band-Aid colored, about three inches long and not much bigger around than a Vienna sausage, which was interesting to me. You'd think that if someone wanted a sex toy she'd go for the gold, sizewise. But this was just the bare minimum, like getting AAA breast implants. Who had this person been hoping to satisfy, her Cabbage Patch doll? I thought about taking the penis home and ma..
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David Sedaris |
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0b46f10
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Everyone in America is extremely concerned with hydration. Go more than five minutes without drinking, and you'll surely be discovered behind a potted plant, dried out like some escaped hermit crab. When I was young no one would think to bring a bottle of water into a classroom. I don't think they even sold bottled water. We survived shopping trips without it, and funerals. Now, though, you see people with those barrels that Saint Bernards ..
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David Sedaris |
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c77a729
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One of the things we laughed about was an old episode of The Newlywed Game. The host asked the wives, "What's the most exotic place you've ever made love?" He was likely expecting "The kitchen" or "On a tennis court at night," but one woman didn't quite understand the question and answered, "In the butt." --
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David Sedaris |
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a9dd9fb
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My understanding was that it completed a person, sanding down the rough provincial edges and transforming you into a citizen of the world.
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David Sedaris |
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7d9276d
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Listen, you might want to pack a few of your things together before going to bed. The former bishop of Turkey will be coming tonight along with six to eight black men. They might put some candy in your shoes, they might stuff you into a sack and take you to Spain, or they might just pretend to kick you. We don't know for sure, but we want you to be prepared.
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David Sedaris |
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9f6a1fe
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Movie characters might chase each other through the fog or race down the stairs of burning buildings, but that's for beginners. Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings. I wanted to say something to this effect, but my hand puppets were back home in their drawer. Instead, I pulled my chair a few inches closer, and we sat silently at our little table on the square..
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David Sedaris |
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7833eba
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At a chain coffee bar in San Francisco, I saw a sign near the cream counter that read NAPKINS COME FROM TREES -- CONSERVE! In case you missed the first sign, there was a second one two feet away, reading YOU WASTE NAPKINS -- YOU WASTE TREES!!! The cups, of course, are also made of paper, yet there's no mention of the mighty redwood when you order your four-dollar coffee. The guilt applies only to those things that are being given away for f..
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David Sedaris |
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d29e96b
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mates, to my sisters and me, are seen mainly as shadows of the people they're involved with. they move. They're visible in direct sunlight. But because they don't have access to our emotional buttons-- because they can't make us twelve again, or five, and screaming-- they don't really count as players.
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family-relationships
humour
human-frailties
memoir
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David Sedaris |
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5cf292d
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I'd heard once in school that if a single bird were to transport all the sand, grain by grain, from the eastern seabord to the west coast of Africa, it would take... I didn't catch the number of years, preferring to concentrate on the single bird chosen to perform this thankless task. It hardly seemed fair, because, unlike a horse or a Seeing Eye dog, the whole glory of being a bird is that nobody would ever put you to work. Birds search fo..
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David Sedaris |
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b61b0ab
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You tell yourself that if you traveled alone to Europe this summer, you could surely do the same thing next year, and the year after that. Of course you don't, though, and the next thing you know you're an aging, unemployed elf so desperate for love you spend your evening mooning over a straight alcoholic.
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David Sedaris |
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99e6ee3
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Then I met a woman named Janine who was bitten and had to spend a week in the hospital. "It was completely my own fault," she said. "I shouldn't have been wearing sandals." "It didn't have to strike you," I reminded her. "It could have just slid away." Janine was the type who'd likely blame herself for getting mugged. "It's what I get for having anything worth taking!" she'd probably say."
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David Sedaris |
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9c27eed
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You look like some cousin of mine." The latter would work only if you were Asian, but even then it's a little creepy, the implication being "the cousin I have always wanted to undress and ejaculate on."
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David Sedaris |
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85d1c38
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Given the choice between four perfectly acceptable movies, they invariably opt for a walk through the Picasso museum or a tour of the cathedral, saying, "I didn't come all the way to Paris so I can sit in the dark." They make it sound so bad. "Yes," I say, "but this is the French dark. It's... darker than the dark we have back home."
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David Sedaris |
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b5ccaf4
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But songbirds are trash," the chicken said, and the guinea hen laughed, saying, "Well, then, I guess we could all use a little more trash in our lives."
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David Sedaris |
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0514468
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there's only so much you can do for a person who thinks Auschwitz is a brand of beer.
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David Sedaris |
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f6f7306
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The rules were just different back then, especially in regard to corporal punishment. Not only could you hit your own children, but you could also hit other people's.
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David Sedaris |
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4ad3c3b
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Fly enough, and you learn to go brain-dead when you have to. It's sort of like time travel. One minute you're bending to unlace your shoes,and the next thing you know you're paying fourteen dollars for a fruit cup, wondering, How did I get here?
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David Sedaris |
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2b7ee6f
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If you don't think a mental patient has the right to bring a sawed-off shotgun to the church where his ex-girlfriend is getting married, you're part of the problem.
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David Sedaris |
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d22f271
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It's common to be misread by people who don't know you.
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David Sedaris |
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3064cb8
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All of us take pride and pleasure in the fact that we are unique, but I'm afraid that when all is said and done the police are right: it all comes down to fingerprints.
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individuality
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David Sedaris |
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c187adb
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Delinquent style is timeless. Real trouble doesn't walk around with a ponytail. It doesn't have a Mohawk or special shoelace patterns. Real trouble has a bad complexion and a Windbreaker.
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David Sedaris |
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0dfb8fd
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Back off, world. It's time for me to be good to me.
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David Sedaris |
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8ece990
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Other people's pain is uninteresting. My own, though, is spellbinding.
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David Sedaris |
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120aebe
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September 12, 2001 Paris Last night on TV I watched people jump from the windows of the World Trade Center.
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David Sedaris |
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7cb8747
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then I must have dropped off. It wasn't much later that I awoke--the story of my life since my mate passed away. I get tired, wiped out, even, but can't seem to sleep more than a few hours at a stretch. It's such a weird time to be awake--noon. Spooky, really. There have been a few occasions when, tired of just standing there and hoping to fall back to sleep, I got up and flew around. The dining options were definitely interesting--lapdogs,..
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David Sedaris |
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36f2ae2
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When shit brings you down, just say 'fuck it,' and eat yourself some motherfucking candy.")"
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David Sedaris |
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936a03f
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I've been around for nearly half a century, yet still I'm afraid of everything and everyone. A child sits beside me on a plane and I make conversation, thinking how stupid I must sound. The downstairs neighbors invite me to a party and, after claiming that I have a previous engagement, I spend the entire evening confined to my bed, afraid to walk around because they might hear my footsteps.
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David Sedaris |
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b6efd70
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He told me that his sister is clinically depressed and read Naked during a month-long visit to a psychiatric hospital. According to him, once she'd finished, she loaned it to a fellow patient, who, in turn, loaned it to someone else. The book seemed to lift people's spirits, and as a result, the hospital has made it recommended reading. I'm not sure whether I believe this, but it's extremely flattering to think my book is being passed aroun..
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David Sedaris |
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075940a
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When it's my turn, I'll open my mouth, unable to speak, and feel a little tap on my wrist. Time to stand up, my watch will whisper. Then, before killing myself, I'll say one last time, "I am standing up."
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David Sedaris |
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58eb771
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A wise man once said that in order to communicate, you have to be able to speak in someone else's language.
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David Sedaris |
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2a803a9
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September 14, 2001 What killed me, what killed many of us, was the very end: "My home sweet home." Because, whatever else Paris might be, this _is not_ our home, it's just the place where we have our jobs or apartments. How could we have forgotten that?"
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september-11th
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David Sedaris |
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ba2dcea
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When you're young it's easy to believe that such a opportunity will come again, maybe even a better one.
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David Sedaris |
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6344f1a
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July 3, 1981 Raleigh There is a new cancer that strikes only homosexual men. I heard about it on the radio tonight.
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David Sedaris |
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de1bab4
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The approach of Christmas signifies three things: bad movies, unforgivable television, and even worse theater. I'm talking bone-crushing theater, the type our ancient ancestors used to oppress their enemies before the invention of the stretching rack.
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David Sedaris |
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2761134
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I once considered suing Farrah Fawcett for invasion of privacy. Hardly a day passed when I didn't see her on a magazine cover, an ad, a poster. She was destroying my life, but now she's OK.
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David Sedaris |
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c316ff3
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The word love was replaced by a heart shape I'm guessing they'll put on the typewriter keyboard any day now, right beside the exclamation point.
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David Sedaris |
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fb40f93
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After a year, you realize it takes time to rail against injustice, time you might better spend questioning fondue or describing those ferrets you couldn't afford. Unless, of course, social injustice is you thing, in which case- knock yourself out. The point is to find out who you are and to be true to that person. Because so often you can't. Won't people turn away if they know the real me? you wonder.
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David Sedaris |
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4f3bcb4
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Randall, the gay alcoholic in the house next door, boldly peeps through my windows. 'Boy, you sure rock in that chair a lot,' he said last week, his face pressed against my screen. This time I was lying on my bed with Katherine's cats. I'm watching them while she's out of town. I can be very mushy, and he watched me kissing them and saying that all the other cats in the neighborhood were jealous of their beauty.
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David Sedaris |
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6a7c418
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He spends a lot of time telling you how smart he is, which is odd because, if you're truly all that bright, people can usually figure it out on their own.
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David Sedaris |
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cc0448d
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If some people are "outed," are other people "inned"? Can we say that someone has been "besided" or "overed"?"
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inned
outed
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David Sedaris |
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53dbdeb
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I'm going to have you fired!" and I wanted to lean over and say, "I'm going to have you killed."
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David Sedaris |
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7015c69
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I was still hoping that it might be a phase, that I'd wake up the next day and be normal. In the best of times, it seemed like such a short leap. I did fantasize about having a girlfriend--never the sex part, but the rest of it I had down. I knew what she'd look like and how she'd hold her long hair back from the flame when bending over a lit candle. I imagined us getting married the summer after I graduated from college, and then I imagine..
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David Sedaris |
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614cfff
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The fact is that, unless we're with friends or family, we're all like talking dolls, endlessly repeating the same trite and tiresome lines: "Hello, how are you?" "Hot enough out there?" "Don't work too "hard!" I'm often misunderstood at my supermarket in Sussex, not because of my accent but because I tend to deviate from the script. Cashier: Hello, how are you this evening? Me: Has your house ever been burgled?
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non-sequitur
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David Sedaris |
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e23f42c
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The writers she prefers are long dead and are on the wordy side. If the novel on the sofa is 700 pages long, and the author photo is an engraving, it's either hers or Hugh's.
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David Sedaris |