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0e21910
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Imi place sa vad oamenii dezbracati, dar nu sunt sigur ca sunt pregatit sa ma vad pe mine dezbracat. Cel mult voi scapa de cateva kilorame din cauza anxietatii si voi iesi castigat de doua ori. Cu cut sunt mai putin obligat sa ma accept asa cum sunt, cu atat mai usor imi va fi. Deja simt ca mi-a pierit apetitul.
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David Sedaris |
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5c04124
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I felt the hatred of my classmates and slunk down in my seat. Then,
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David Sedaris |
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b899c1a
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June 3, 1987 Chicago This afternoon I found a $50 bill in the foyer of the building near the mailboxes. It was folded thin and full of cocaine. Some of it spilled when I opened it up, but there's still plenty left. So that's $50 in cash and around $80 worth of cocaine--$130! If I find $50 every day, I won't need to get a job.
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David Sedaris |
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c9bf662
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For my fifty dollars, I want to leave the doctor's office in tears, but instead I walk out feeling like a hypochondriac, which is one of the few things I'm actually not.
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David Sedaris |
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054418b
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I need to touch the person's head again. Experience has taught me that you can do this three times before the head's owner either yells at you or rings for the flight attendant.
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David Sedaris |
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e51300d
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He led me to the barn, where a Mexican man stood waiting for his turn at the shower. "Whole-aah, Toe-moss," he shouted."
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David Sedaris |
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1cd9655
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There was a sink for washing glasses and an assortment of cartoon napkins illustrating the lighter side of alcoholism.
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David Sedaris |
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48821ce
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his voice was high and strange, as if it had been recorded and was now being played back at a faster speed.
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David Sedaris |
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dec85f1
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Your trash. You're trash. Your family's trash.
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David Sedaris |
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4c9407a
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even then that without them, I was nothing. Not a son or a brother but just a boy--and
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David Sedaris |
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b131e51
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I noticed my mother's face assume an expression she reserved for unspeakable horror. I had seen this look only twice before: once when she was caught in the path of a charging, rabid pig and then again when I told her I wanted a peach-colored velveteen blazer with matching slacks.
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David Sedaris |
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56f5403
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If she'd had it her way, we would never have known about the cancer. It was our father's idea to tell us, and she had fought it, agreeing only when he threatened to tell us himself. Our mother worried that once we found out, we would treat her differently, delicately. We might feel obliged to compliment her cooking and laugh at all her jokes, thinking always of the tumor she was trying so hard to forget. And that is exactly what we did. [....
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David Sedaris |
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9c90c53
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Having spent my life trying to fit the will of others, I was unable to distinguish between what I enjoyed and what I thought I should enjoy.
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David Sedaris |
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d690302
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Well, where did it come from?" I asked. "How did I get it?"
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thinkable
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David Sedaris |
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5cfcf07
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It hardly seems fair we'd get the universe all to ourselves...
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David Sedaris |
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ad3bf6e
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The Artist's impressions of a walk in the woods. The Artist's view on viewing. The Artist on Art. How do you get your ideas for stories, Mr. Valentine? Well, I simply exploit everything I come into contact with. One ended, of course, by losing all spontaneity. You saw people as characters, sunsets as an excuse for similes--
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David Sedaris |
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600abbe
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To know the narrative in advance is to turn yourself into a machine," the Manager continues. "What makes humans human is precisely that they do not know the future. That is why they do the fateful and amusing things they do: who can say how anything will turn out? Therein lies the only hope for redemption, discovery, and--let's be frank--fun, fun, fun! There might be things people will get away with. And not just motel towels. There might b..
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David Sedaris |
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adee639
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Imi place sa vad oamenii dezbracati, dar nu sunt sigur ca sunt pregatit sa ma vad pe mine dezbracat. Cel mult voi scapa de cateva kilorame din cauza anxietatii si voi iesi castigat de doua ori. Cu cat sunt mai putin obligat sa ma accept asa cum sunt, cu atat mai usor imi va fi. Deja simt ca mi-a pierit apetitul.
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David Sedaris |
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2b3a495
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Trying to explain moral principles to Khe Sahn was like reviewing a standard 1040 tax form with a house cat!
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David Sedaris |
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8d3789e
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Now it seems cruel, abusive even, but this all happened before the invention of self-esteem, which, frankly, I think is a little overrated.
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David Sedaris |
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146e28c
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Having been destroyed, it is now indestructible, meaning I can wear it without worry. For half this price, I could have bought an intact sweater, thrown it to a tiger, and wrenched it back myself, but after a certain age, who has that kind of time?
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David Sedaris |
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4d6f247
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Me: Did you get your tree yet? Ken: I'm a Jew, I don't decorate Christmas trees. Me: So you're going to go with a wreath instead? Ken: I just told you, I'm a Jew. Me: Oh, I get it. You're looking for a cheap wreath. Ken: I'm not looking for a wreath at all. Leave me alone, will you. Me: You're probably just tense because you haven't finished your Christmas shopping. Ken: I don't Christmas shop. Me: What are you telling me? That you make all..
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David Sedaris |
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ede1638
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I can manage in a restaurant, take a cab, and even make small talk with the driver. "Do you have children?" I ask. "Will you take a vacation this year?" "Where to?" When he turns it around, as Japanese cabdrivers are inclined to do, I tell him that I have three children, a big boy and two little girls. If Pimsleur included "I am a middle-aged homosexual and thus make do with a niece I never see and a very small godson," I'd say that. In the..
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David Sedaris |
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0f30ce9
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I attribute my wife's language to the fact that she's one-quarter spaniel. She says she's only an eighth, but, come on, the ears say it all. That and her mouth. (The Faithful Setter)
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David Sedaris |
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1b722e7
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Police caught the guy responsible for smashing windows and painting swastikas outside Jewish businesses on Devon Avenue. He's out on bail now, and this morning's paper included a picture of him. What strikes me is that he has a very small mouth, smaller than a baby's. I mean, tiny. If you wanted him to suck your thumb, you'd have to grease it up first. The article says he belongs to a skinhead group and has tattoos, which is strange, I thin..
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David Sedaris |
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45c4f7c
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For an American, though, Australia seems pretty familiar: same wide streets, same office towers. It's Canada in a thong, or that's the initial impression.
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David Sedaris |
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9bf0f8f
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identify
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David Sedaris |
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244bee5
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I would later discover it was a bad idea to gather more than two of these people in an enclosed area for any length of time. The stage was not only a physical place but also a state of mind, and the word audience was defined as anyone forced to suffer your company. We young actors were a string of lightbulbs left burning 24 hours a day, exhausting ourselves and others with our self-proclaimed brilliance.
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aspiring-actors
drama
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David Sedaris |
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ee4d394
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Hugh's old drawing teacher used to have one, and though it had been ten years since he'd taken the woman's class, I could suddenly recall him talking about it. "If I had a skeleton like Minerva's . . . ," he used to say. I don't remember the rest of the sentence, as I'd always been sidetracked by the teacher's name, Minerva. Sounds like a witch."
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David Sedaris |
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60993e9
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One burner represents your family, one is your friends, the third is your health, and the fourth is your work.
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David Sedaris |
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1e4e4f8
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My mother was, for the most part, delighted with my brother and regarded him with the bemused curiosity of a brood hen discovering she has hatched a completely different species.
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David Sedaris |
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1abab64
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When I bleat here on page seventeen, do you want me to just bleat or to really let go and 'bleat, bleat'? " I asked. "I feel like 'bleat, bleating,' but if Mother/Destroyer is going to be crawling through the birth canal of concertina wire, I don't want to steal focus, you know what I mean?" He did. That was the scary part, that someone understood me."
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David Sedaris |
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61be44b
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That all is right with the world. "Man, oh man," he'll say in my memory, lifting his glass and taking us all in, "isn't this just fantastic" --
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David Sedaris |
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9e54bf7
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bowl. It was disgusting to think that this was what a gumdrop might look like in your stomach, and it was insulting to be told not to take too much of something you didn't really want in the first place.
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David Sedaris |
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b621449
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Yes, I am talking about boat trailers, but also I am dying.
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David Sedaris |
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d00dd04
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For you, anything." And as I did as I was instructed, I realized it was no different than playing a wind instrument. There were other musicians behind other curtains, and I swore I could hear them chiming in, the group of us forming God's own horn section. I'm not sure how long I lay there, blissed-out and farting."
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David Sedaris |
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37352ab
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Also it's so cold here, too cold to do anything but sit in front of the space heater. Right now I'm wearing long underwear, a flannel shirt, a pajama shirt, a sweater, a jacket, a coat, and a hat. Inside.
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David Sedaris |
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6c120c9
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Her, though! Once when I was in high school she caught me doing something or other, imitating my Spanish teacher, perhaps with a pair of tights on my head, and said, like someone at the end of her rope, "What are you, a queer?" I'd been called a sissy before, not by her but by plenty of other people. That was different, though, as the word was less potent, something used by children. When my mother called me a queer, my face turned scarlet ..
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David Sedaris |
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f11357b
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Bill Gates, who has murdered more innocents than even the Clintons, apparently.
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David Sedaris |
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0d06b47
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I have $211 and it doesn't make any sense.
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David Sedaris |
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84d7843
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I'd been to only one Walmart in my life before this and I was shocked at how ugly it was, even by American standards. It was a mammoth jumble of absolute shit made more chaotic by brightly colored signs and promotional displays.
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David Sedaris |
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9753c3d
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Pretty much everything that isn't terrible is awesome in America now.
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David Sedaris |
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4bc2271
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I'll do the snails on cinnamon toast.
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David Sedaris |
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d18959e
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Ebola, not the thousands who had died of it in Africa but the single person who had it in Dallas.
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David Sedaris |