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c140c18
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He die one day, and then he go above of my head to live with your father." He weared the long hair, and after he died, the first day he come back here for to say hello to the peoples." He nice, the Jesus."
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religion
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David Sedaris |
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d229d38
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The woman in charge of costuming assigned us our outfits and gave us a lecture on keeping things clean. She held up a calendar and said, "Ladies, you know what this is. Use it. I have scraped enough blood out from the crotches of elf knickers to last me the rest of my life. And don't tell me, 'I don't wear underpants, I'm a dancer.' You're not a dancer. If you were a real dancer you wouldn't be here. You're an elf and you're going to wear p..
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humor
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David Sedaris |
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8177c92
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As I searched the atlas for somewhere to run to, Hugh made a case for his old stomping grounds. His first suggestion was Beirut, where he went to nursery school. His family left there in the midsixties and moved to the Congo. After that, it was Ethiopia, and then Somalia, all fine places in his opinion. 'Let's save Africa and the Middle East for when I decide to quit living,' I said.
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David Sedaris |
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42f238f
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After the trial, I watched as another female pathologist collected maggots from a spinal column found in the desert. There was a decomposed head, too, and before leaving work she planned to simmer it and study the exposed cranium for contusions. I was asked to pass this information along to the chief medical examiner, and, looking back, I perhaps should have chosen my words more carefully. 'Fire up the kettle,' I told him. 'Ol'-fashioned sk..
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David Sedaris |
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06a4a06
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I giggled out loud at his stupidity. If anyone knew how to make a bed, it was a faggot.
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David Sedaris |
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e200fc3
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I've always had a way with the little people, making it a point to humor them without looking down my nose at their wasted empty lives.
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David Sedaris |
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f6fb46e
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Have a blessed day." This can make you feel like you've been sprayed against your will with God cologne."
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David Sedaris |
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3369a40
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I had to wrestle daily with both my inadequacy and my uncontrollable jealousy. I didn't want to kill her, but hoped someone else might do the job for me.
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David Sedaris |
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16af53b
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If you stepped out of the shower and saw a leprechaun standing at the base of your toilet, would you scream, or would you innately understand that he meant you no harm?
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leprechaun
question
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David Sedaris |
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fea3c50
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If a person who constantly reads is labeled a bookworm, then I was quickly becoming what might be called a tapeworm.
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David Sedaris |
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2b6ebb5
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The Greeks had invented democracy, built the Acropolis and called it a day.
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David Sedaris |
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21312fb
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When I was this kid's age, you'd be burned alive for such talk. Being a homosexual was unthinkable, and so you denied it, and found a girlfriend who was willing to settle for the sensitive type. On dates, you'd remind her that sex before marriage was just that, sex: what dogs did in the front yard. This as opposed to making love, which was more what you were about. A true union of souls could take anywhere from eight to ten years to properl..
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David Sedaris |
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c670950
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but all of a sudden they're poets, right, like that's all it takes -- being in love.
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David Sedaris |
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068de02
|
Have a blessed day." This can make you feel like you've been sprayed against your will with God cologne." --
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David Sedaris |
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8a1861e
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She's afraid to tell me anything important, knowing I'll only turn around and write about it. In my mind, I'm like a friendly junkman, building things from the little pieces of scrap I find here and there, but my family's started to see things differently. Their personal lives are the so-called pieces of scrap I so casually pick up, and they're sick of it. More and more often their stories begin with the line "You have to swear you'll never..
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David Sedaris |
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ed1a740
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The message was that if something is free, you should only take the best. If, on the other hand, you're forced to pay, it's best to lower the bar and not be so choosy.
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David Sedaris |
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30c4c69
|
Across town, over in the East Village, the graffiti was calling for the rich to be eaten, imprisoned, or taxed out of existence. Though it sometimes seemed like a nice idea, I hoped the revolution would not take place during my lifetime. I didn't want the rich to go away until I could at least briefly join their ranks.
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David Sedaris |
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f2e42bc
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Unlike my father, who blindly churned out one canvas after another, I had real ideas about the artistic life. Seated at my desk, my beret as tight as an acorn's cap, I projected myself into the world represented in the art books I'd borrowed from the public library. Leafing past the paintings, I would admire the photographs of the artists seated in their garrets, dressed in tattered smocks and frowning in the direction of their beefy nude m..
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David Sedaris |
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bcb9f84
|
You know you're young when someone asks you for money and you take it as a compliment.
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David Sedaris |
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8e86170
|
The landscape is best described as 'pedestrian hostile.' It's pointless to try to take a walk, so I generally just stay in the room and think about shooting myself in the head.
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humor
hotels
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David Sedaris |
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fb49647
|
Cover your glass in France or Germany --even worse, in England - and in the voice of someone who has personally affronted, your host will ask why you're not drinking. 'Oh, I just don't feel like it this morning.' 'Why not?' 'I guess I'm not in the mood?' 'Well, this'll put you in the mood. Here. Drink up.' 'No, really, I'm OK.' 'Just taste it.' 'Actually, I'm sort of...well, I sort of have a problem with it.' 'Then how about half a glass?
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drinking
humor
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David Sedaris |
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db38135
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Of course, the diary helps me as well. 'That wasn't your position on July 7, 1991,' I'll remind Hugh an hour after we've had a fight. I'd have loved to rebut him sooner, but it takes awhile to look these things up.
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journaling
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David Sedaris |
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d5f8820
|
Nobody pours stuffing like you do, my friend.
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David Sedaris |
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880bc86
|
Watch, hell,' Walt said. 'This is strip poker. What kind of homo wants to sit around and watch four guys get naked?
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David Sedaris |
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ec16dc0
|
States vote to take away my marriage rights, and even though I don't want to get married, it tends to hurt my feelings. I guess what bugs me is that it was put to a vote in the first place. If you don't want to marry a homosexual, then don't. But what gives you the right to weigh in on your neighbor's options? It's like voting on whether or not redheads should be allowed to celebrate Christmas.
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David Sedaris |
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d4c1ce0
|
There's a lot I don't tell my father when he calls asking after Amy. He wouldn't understand that she has no interest in getting married and was, in fact, quite happy to break up with her live-in boyfriend, whom she replaced with an imaginary boyfriend named Ricky. The last time she was asked out by a successful bachelor, Amy hesitated before saying, 'Thanks for asking, but I'm really not into white guys right now.
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David Sedaris |
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ed1dcc5
|
As bad a dresser as I am, anything beats being judged by my character.
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David Sedaris |
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b520626
|
It was generally agreed that a coffin-size studio on Avenue D was preferable to living in one of the boroughs. Moving from one Brooklyn or Staten Island neighborhood to another was fine, but unless you had children to think about, even the homeless saw it as a step down to leave Manhattan. Customers quitting the island for Astoria or Cobble Hill would claim to welcome the change of pace, saying it would be nice to finally have a garden or l..
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new-york-city
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David Sedaris |
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b22dc5f
|
My feet are completely flat, but for most of my life they were still shaped like feet. Now, thanks to bunions, they're shaped more like states, wide boring ones that nobody wants to drive through.
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David Sedaris |
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f803d06
|
My first semester I had only nine students. Hoping they might view me as professional and well prepared, I arrived bearing name tags fashioned in the shape of maple leaves.
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teaching
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David Sedaris |
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5e1a9d2
|
If nothing else, life in the suburbs promised that you might go from day to day without finding shit in your hair.
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David Sedaris |
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7c5be01
|
I didn't know about the rest of the class, but when Bastille Day eventually rolled around, I planned to stay home and clean my oven.
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David Sedaris |
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d49ecd3
|
I'd always been afraid of sick people, and so had my mother. It wasn't that we feared catching their brain aneurysm or accidentally ripping out their IV. I think it was their fortitude that frightened us. Sick people reminded us not of what we had, but of what we lacked. Everything we said sounded petty and insignificant; our complaints paled in the face of theirs, and without our complaints, there was nothing to say.
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David Sedaris |
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6587b76
|
Neighbors would pass, and when they honked I'd remember that I was in my Speedo. Then I'd wrap my towel like a skirt around my waist and remind my sisters that this was not girlish but Egyptian, thank you very much.
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David Sedaris |
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13b3343
|
Standing in a two-hour line makes people worry that they're not living in a democratic nation.
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David Sedaris |
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d322269
|
Motherfucker, you try that again and I'll come in there with a fucking coat hanger and give you something to fucking kick about
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David Sedaris |
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93547d4
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Pandas and rain forests are never mentioned when it comes to the millions of people taking joyrides in their Range Rovers. Rather, it's the little things we're strong-armed into conserving. At a chain coffee bar in San Francisco, I saw a sign near the cream counter that read NAPKINS COME FROM TREES - CONSERVE! In case you missed the first sign, there was a second one two feet away, reading YOU WASTE NAPKINS - YOU WASTE TREES!!! The cups, of..
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David Sedaris |
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5a8630f
|
I wasn't broken, just resting, readying myself for the next big thing.
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David Sedaris |
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bb7e93c
|
Snowball just leads elves on, elves and Santas. He is playing a dangerous game.
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David Sedaris |
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083c652
|
What were you asleep? Helen would say as I opened the door. "I've been up since five." In her hand would be aluminum tray covered with foil, either that or a saucepan with a lid on it. "Well," I'd tell her, "I didn't go to bed until three." "I didn't go to bed until three thirty." This was how it was with her: If you got fifteen minutes of sleep, she got only ten. If you had a cold, she had the flu. If you'd dodged a bullet, she'd dodged fi..
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David Sedaris |
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148999d
|
We give anonymously because the sackfuls of thank-you letters break our hearts with their clumsy handwriting and hopeless phonetic spelling.
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David Sedaris |
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039ac4a
|
The things I've bought from strangers in the dark would curl your hair.
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dark
sedaris
strangers
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David Sedaris |
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1b5c1b8
|
He has a passport," my classmates would whisper. "Quick, let's run before he judges us!"
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travel
judgement
|
David Sedaris |
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124d1c3
|
I wanted it, I wanted, I wanted, but the moment it was mine, it ceased to interest me.
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David Sedaris |