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inhabited by hopeless, motor-mouthed simpletons, drifting from a bad place to somewhere even worse. If you're lucky, people on the bus will wake you in order to borrow a cigarette. The man occupying the window seat is likely to introduce himself with the line "What the hell are you staring at?"
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David Sedaris |
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5f89729
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In binghamton, new york, winter meant snow, and though I was young when we left, I was able to recall great heaps of it, and use that memory as evidence that North Carolina was, at best, a third-rate institution. What little snow there was would usually melt an hour or two after hitting the ground, and there you'd be in your windbreaker and unconvincing mittens, forming a lumpy figure made mostly of mud. Snow Negroes, we called them. The
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David Sedaris |
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f7cf60e
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I'd been at the plant for three weeks when Curly invited me to his trailer for a drink. He lived just outside Hood River in a double-wide he shared with his mother, a woman he often spoke about. "I told Mother what you said about Dorothy's mouth looking like a gunshot wound and, Lord, she just about bust a gut, she was laughing so hard. She is one funny lady, my mother. Nothing tickles her funny bone better than a knock-knock joke. You know..
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David Sedaris |
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3cabe8d
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He also made a 1-2-3-4 cake, which calls for one cup of butter, two cups of sugar, three cups of flour, and four eggs. I ate half of it, which amounts to one entire stick of butter.
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David Sedaris |
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0dd0e3f
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On Maui, one November, Hugh and I went swimming, and turned to find a gigantic sea turtle coming up between us. As gentle as a cow she was, and with a cow's dopey, almost lovesick expression on her face. That, to me, was worth the entire trip, worth my entire life, practically. For to witness majesty, to find yourself literally touched by it--isn't that what we've all been waiting for?
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David Sedaris |
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bb119e9
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If you're looking for sympathy you can find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.
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David Sedaris |
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f536378
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Out in the world where it's so beautiful and complex and painful that sometimes you just need to sit down and write about it.
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David Sedaris |
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9fb7d9f
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The man spoke with an accent, and though I couldn't exactly place it, I knew that he was poor. His voice had snakes in it. And dysentery, and mangoes.
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David Sedaris |
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db50f49
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There's a short circuit between my brain and my tongue, thus "Leave me the fuck alone" comes out as "Well, maybe. Sure. I guess I can see your point." This,"
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David Sedaris |
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4b62157
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I think we've both seen this coming for a long... time. The only question left is... what are we going to do about it? Oh, baby, let's run wild.
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David Sedaris |
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b52b5d7
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While I was gone Hugh, Manuela, and Dario attended Franck's surprise fortieth-birthday party. One of the guests was a sophisticated mother of three who announced that she hated the zoo at the Jardin des Plantes because it was cruel to keep the animals in such small cages. She went on and on and then, at the end of the evening, she unlocked her car and released her golden retriever, who'd spent the last six hours in the trunk.
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David Sedaris |
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8847302
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or the class moron will go on to become the president of the United States--though that's more likely to happen at Harvard or Yale, schools that will pretty much let in anybody.
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David Sedaris |
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3ef5b87
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Look," I'll say to Jesus, "enough is enough. I suggest we nail some boards together and have ourselves an old-fashioned crucifixion." --
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David Sedaris |
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da7c14a
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I should be used to the way Americans dress when traveling, yet it still manages to amaze me. It's as if the person next to you had been washing shoe polish off a pig, then suddenly threw down his sponge saying, "Fuck this. I'm going to Los Angeles!" On"
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David Sedaris |
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e182b78
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Her people undoubtedly drank from clay jugs and hollered for Paw when the vittles were ready -- so who was she to advise me on anything?
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David Sedaris |
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281a5e8
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In my house, our parents put us to bed with two simple words: "Shut up." That was always the last thing we heard before our lights were turned off. Our artwork did not hang on the refrigerator or anywhere near it, because our parents recognized it for what it was: crap. They did not live in a child's house, we lived in theirs."
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David Sedaris |
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c29af32
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The dialogue fills the auditorium like an unrefrigerated boxcar of month-old steaks.
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David Sedaris |
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8ccc009
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I thought of those people on the bus, going from one shitty place to the next, expecting nothing to change but the landscape. Soon I'd be sitting beside them, sharing my potato chips and thinking of them as my kind of crowd. I
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David Sedaris |
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85fed25
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These people were the only contact I had outside of the men and women who picked me up hitchhiking back and forth to work every day. I'd arrive at the shop, listen to Christian radio, get blessed out by Jon and blessed back in by his visiting friends and neighbors. It was like being sent to a foreign country to be immersed in a language that somehow, over time, became your own. "Peace be with you, brethren," "You know what they say in John ..
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David Sedaris |
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9e596c1
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I found the ad in a community booster paper. "Sharp, experienced go-getter wanted to strip/refinish woodwork. Enthusiasm a must." I had spent years refinishing, first in Raleigh and then again in Chicago. I always vowed I'd never do it again, but that's the problem with having a skill: once you swear off it, you know you're stuck with it forever. All work seems designed to kill you, but refinishing is tailor-made to provide a long and painf..
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David Sedaris |
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f09cb89
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You ever been to Tijuana?" he asked. Most of Dupont's stories began with a question and ended with an insatiable woman, buck naked and begging for more."
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David Sedaris |
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7cf08b5
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isn't that technology's job? To lighten our burden? To broaden our horizons? To make it possible to talk to your attorney and listen to a Styx album and check the obituaries in the town where your parents continue to live and videotape a race riot and send a text message and stun someone into submission all at the same time?
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David Sedaris |
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8d154c2
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Do you have a feel for the guitar? Do you have any idea what this little baby is capable of?" Without waiting for an answer, he climbed up into his chair and began playing "Light My Fire," adding, "This one is for Joan."
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David Sedaris |
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9ca7b8c
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he's braw and pulchritudinous,
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David Sedaris |
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80bc308
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IT IS HIS BIRTHDAY, and Hugh and I are seated in a New York restaurant, awaiting the arrival of our fifteen-word entrees. He looks very nice, dressed in the suit and sweater that have always belonged to him. As for me, I own only my shoes, pants, shirt, and tie. My jacket belongs to the restaurant and was offered as a loan by the maitre d', who apparently thought I would feel more comfortable dressed to lead a high-school marching band.
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David Sedaris |
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5db1b65
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The one titled "Romance" included the following: "Would you like a drink?" "You're a fantastic dancer." "You look like some cousin of mine." The latter would work only if you were Asian, but even then it's a little creepy, the implication being "the cousin I have always wanted to undress and ejaculate on."
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David Sedaris |
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9f0293b
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Yesterday a woman had her son pee into a cup, which of course tipped over. "That's fine," I said, "but Santa's also going to need a stool sample."
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David Sedaris |
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810c877
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I don't know how these couples do it, spend hours each night tucking their kids in, reading them books about misguided kittens or seals who wear uniforms, and then rereading them if the child so orders. In my house, our parents put us to bed with two simple words: "Shut up."
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David Sedaris |
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b7e0995
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Strip to your underwear," she told me, and I said, "D'accord." As the woman turned to leave, she said something else, and, looking back, I really should have asked her to repeat it, to draw a picture if that's what it took, because once you take your pants off, d'accord isn't really OK anymore."
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David Sedaris |
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880c3ac
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One of the people I voted for this morning was named Lee Botts. Her campaign slogan is HER BOTTOM LINE IS CLEAN WATER. Someone tampered with the sign she had in front of the school, and now it reads LEE BOTTS. HER BOTTOM IS CLEAN.
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David Sedaris |
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554cf9b
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The guilt applies only to those things that are being given away for free.
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David Sedaris |
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8f7087a
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You kids might think you're close, but just wait until your father and I are gone, and you're left to divide up our property.
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David Sedaris |
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38c1802
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Man ordering at Butera's deli/prepared-foods counter: "Hey, give me one of them chickens what spins around."
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David Sedaris |
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3db3930
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started feeling real sorry for everybody, even though they were screaming and acting silly. I thought about how much work it was to have fun, and how brave we all were for going to the trouble, since the easiest thing would be to just moan and cry and bite the walls, because we're all going to die anyway, sooner or later. Isn't that sad? I saw how every human life is a story, and the story always ends badly.
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David Sedaris |
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57b2736
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A guy needs a place where he can gaze into the ocean and sort things out." It"
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David Sedaris |
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af2c677
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November 4, 1987 Chicago I saw a bumper sticker the other day that read I LOVE KILLING COMMUNISTS. The word love was replaced by a heart shape I'm guessing they'll put on the typewriter keyboard any day now, right beside the exclamation point. The bumper sticker was on a Ford Fairlane on Montrose Avenue.
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David Sedaris |
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57b4ed0
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We passed a gun shop advertising a "Blowout Sale. While listening to a country music station,we heard a talk/song narrated by our flag. "I flew proudly at Iwo Jima and the blustering deserts of Kuwait, anywhere freedom is threatened, you will find me."
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David Sedaris |
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437769e
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A few hours laterDad called again. The vet had put his Great Dane, Sophie, on antibiotics, and, figuring it was all basically the same thing, he had started taking them. "I'm just not sure of the dose," he said. Lisa then called me. "Can you believe this?" I thought she was upset that her father was taking pills meant for a dog, and then I remembered who I was talking to. "I mean, how is Sophie supposed to get better when Dad is taking all..
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David Sedaris |
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dac1479
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Fiecare reuniune are un moment anume in care se sparge. Ajuns la maturitate, mi se intampla de multe ori sa incerc sa identific acest moment, temandu-ma in acelasi timp, de inevitabilul care urmeaza sa se produca. Musafirii vor repeta aceleasi poante, iar la un moment dat, va fi prea mult - sau vei ramane fara iarba sau bautura, si-ti dai astfel seama ca atat ati avut in comun.
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David Sedaris |
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8fc8b46
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I had no interest in football or basketball but had learned it was best to pretend otherwise. If a boy didn't care for barbecued chicken or potato chips, people would accept it as a matter of personal taste, saying, "Oh well, I guess it takes all kinds." You could turn up your nose at the president or Coke or even God, but there were names for boys who didn't like sports."
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David Sedaris |
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6f24180
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Even in a jar, that kid has outearned me.
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David Sedaris |
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3cac46f
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La momentul respectiv, Bob sapa morminte, o cariera care denota o lipsa imbucuratoare de ambitie.
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David Sedaris |
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75c2c54
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Cu exceptia Lisei, noi nu imbratisam pe nimeni. In ceea ce priveste confortul emotional, aveam convinderea ca niciun fel de contact fizic nu ar fi putut egala puterile vindecatoare ale unui cocktail bine facut.
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David Sedaris |
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76fbc4b
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Cand ne certam, tehnica lui tata era intotdeauna sa nege dorintele pe care ni le exprimam. Doca voiai, sa zicem, un teanc de clatite, nu-ti spunea ca nu ti le ia, ci ca tu, de fapt, nici nu le voiai."Stiu ce vreau" era, fara exceptie combatut cu " Nu, nu stii"."
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David Sedaris |