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a1e87d5
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And I'm here to tell you that, as long as you keep your eyes shut, it's really not that bad.
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David Sedaris |
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4e38a6c
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On a recent flight from Tokyo to Beijing, at around the time that my lunch tray was taken away, I remembered that I needed to learn Mandarin. "Goddamnit," I whispered. "I knew I forgot something."
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David Sedaris |
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0c0a0a5
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Though harsh in other respects, prison would be an excellent place to learn a foreign language - total immersion, and you'd have the new slang before it even hit the streets.
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David Sedaris |
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560c46d
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Now the room has the contours and atmosphere of all rooms in which people stay awake talking. The fluorescent light is grainy, staring. The clutter on the kitchen table--ketchup bottle, sagging butter dish, tin of Nestle Quik, the rowdy crudded ashtray--the world is narrowed into these, a little universe that the eyes return to again and again. Now it begins, the sorting and testing of words. Remember that words are not symbols of other wor..
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David Sedaris |
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29578b1
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You haven't lived until you've sailed
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David Sedaris |
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dd8c06d
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Nothing irritated her more than these high-and-mighty vegetarians who ate meat sometimes and then decided that it didn't really count.
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David Sedaris |
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d0a3795
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Every gathering has its moment. As an adult, I distract myself by trying to identify it, dreading the inevitable downsing that is sure to follow.
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David Sedaris |
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2ca853f
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The reverend insists we occupy the first pew. He rang us up not long ago, tipsy-- he's a tippler-- saying that our faces brought him closer to God. And it's true, we're terribly good-looking people.
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David Sedaris |
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b109717
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Often I'd take out my magnifying glass and stare into the chaos that was her face. Most people would have found it grotesque, but when you're in love nothing is so abstract or horrible that it can't be thought of as cute.
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David Sedaris |
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76163d8
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The woman spoke with a heavy western North Carolina accent, which I used to discredit her authority. Here was a person for whom the word 'pen' had two syllables. He people undoubtedly drank from clay jugs and hollered for Paw when the vittles were ready-- so who was she to advise me on anything?
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humor
speech-therapy
david-sedaris
satire
speech
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David Sedaris |
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e225f33
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Though we were forbidden to speak anything but French, the teacher would occasionally use us to practice any of her five fluent languages. "I hate you," she said to me one afternoon. Her English was flawless. "I really, really hate you." Call me sensitive, but I couldn't help taking it personally."
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humor
languages
french
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David Sedaris |
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8994e5c
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Still, there were moments when, against all reason, I thought I might be a genius. These moments were provoked not by any particular accomplishment but by cocaine and crystal methamphetamine -- drugs that allow you to lean over a mirror with a straw up your nose, suck up an entire week's paycheck, and think, "God, I'm smart."
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David Sedaris |
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69ed110
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My conscience is crosswired with my sweat glands, but there's a short in the system and I break out over things I didn't do, which only makes me look more suspect.
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sweat
guilt
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David Sedaris |
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5948a57
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A Japanese woman we'd met in Paris came to the apartment yesterday and spent several hours explaining our appliances. The microwave, the water kettle, the electric bathtub: everything blinks and bleeps and calls out in the middle of the night. I'd wondered what the rice maker was carrying on about, and Reiko told us that it was on a timer and simply wanted us to know that it was present and ready for duty. That was the kettle's story as wel..
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David Sedaris |
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254e915
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The crummy part of swimming is that while you're doing it you can't really see much: the bottom of the pool, certainly, a smudged and fleeting bit of the outside world as you turn your head to breathe. But you can't pick things out - a man's face, for example, watching from the sidelines when, for the first time in your life, you pull ahead and win.
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David Sedaris |
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21dc403
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I looked from face to face, exaggerating flaws and reminding myself that these boys did not like me. The hope was that I might crush any surviving atom attraction, but as has been the case for my entire life, the more someone dislikes me the more attractive he becomes.
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David Sedaris |
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a53b3be
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It was one of those situations I often find myself in while traveling. Something's said by a stranger I've been randomly thrown into contact with, and I want to say, "Listen. I'm with you on most of this, but before we continue, I need to know who you voted for in the last election."
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travel
politics
humor
non-fiction
short-stories
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David Sedaris |
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8b4a639
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There was a big "Sesame Street Live" extravaganza over at Madison Square Garden, so thousands of people decided to make a day of it and go straight from Sesame Street to Santa. We were packed today, absolutely packed, and everyone was cranky. Once the line gets long we break it up into four different lines because anyone in their right mind would leave if they knew it would take over two hours to see Santa. Two hours -- you could see a movi..
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David Sedaris |
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40ae541
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In 2004,I offered priority (book)-signing to smokers, the reason being that, because they didn't have as long to live, their time was more valuable. Four years later my special treatment was reserved for men who stood five-foot-six and under. "That's right, my little friends," I announced. "There'll be no waiting in line for you." It seemed unfair to restrict myself to men, so I included any woman with braces on her teeth. "What about us?" ..
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David Sedaris |
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0506a36
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As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts. By this I meant that I would stop living in a fantasy world; that, while standing in line for a hamburger or my shot at the ATM, I would not daydream about befriending a gorilla or inventing a pill that would make hair waterproof.
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David Sedaris |
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a5d60b6
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For the first sixteen years we were together, I'd give Hugh chocolates for Valentine's Day, and he'd give me a carton of cigarettes. Both of us got exactly what we wanted, and it couldn't have been easier.
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David Sedaris |
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5d5177e
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Back in New York I took full advantage of my status as a native speaker. I ran my mouth to shop clerks and listened in on private conversations, realising I'd gone an entire month without hearing anyone complaint that they were "stressed out"."
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native-tongue
language
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David Sedaris |
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fe2d2db
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People who have nothing to prove offer practical baby gifts: sturdy cotton rompers made to withstand the cycle of vomit and regular washing. People who are competing for the titles of best-loved aunts and uncles - people like my sisters and me - send satin pants and delicate hand-crafted sweaters accompanied by notes reading "P.S. The fur collar is detachable."
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David Sedaris |
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10011b5
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I had not laid a finger on the boy's head. I have never poked or prodded either a baby or a child, so why did I feel so dirty? Part of it was just my makeup, the deep-seated belief that I deserve a basement room, but a larger, uglier part had to do with the voices I hear on the talk radio, and my tendency, in spite of myself, to pay them heed. The man in the elevator had not thought twice about asking Michael personal questions or about lay..
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David Sedaris |
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f4d5821
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If I'm walking down an American street and anyone darker than a peanut shell approaches, I'll say, "Hello." This because, if I don't say it, he or she might think that I'm anxious. Which, of course, I must be, otherwise I'd walk by in silence, just as I do with my fellow Caucasians. Does this make me racist, or simply race conscious? Either way, I'm more afraid of conservatives than I am of black people." --
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racism
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David Sedaris |
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48317e4
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the lower bunks, both of us longing to be pinned. "You kids think you invented sex," my mother was fond of saying. But hadn't we? With no instruction manual or federally enforced training period, didn't we all come away feeling we'd discovered something unspeakably modern?"
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David Sedaris |
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0d0f1e5
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Teaching you is like having a cesarean section every day of the week.
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David Sedaris |
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f640cc0
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This is a busy week with me and lunatics, whom I tend to see as either signs or messengers.
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David Sedaris |
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7474cf0
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You've got her mad now and there's no turning back. All she has to do is go to the authorities, saying you molested her. Is that what you want? One little phone call and your life is ruined.' 'But I didn't do anything. I'm gay, remember?' 'That's not going to save you,' she said. 'Push comes to shove and who do you think they're going to believe, a nine-year-old girl or the full-grown man who gets his jollies carving little creatures out ..
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David Sedaris |
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e31de11
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Adrienne started teaching a few months ago in Denver and wrote that it leaves you with a constant feeling of deceiving people. That you know nothing they don't, or couldn't learn on their own if they cared to.
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teaching
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David Sedaris |
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0b217e0
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It was like seeing someone who wore a striped tie or parted his hair on the left -- a detail, but not a telling one.
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David Sedaris |
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34f8c91
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When I got back to the apartment, the phone rang. It was Dad, who told me I should try to get work as a model. I told him he was being ridiculous and he said no, he'd just been at the barbershop and saw a GQ magazine with a guy on the cover who looked just like me. So I went to the newsstand and found a copy and the person on the cover was not a model but Gary Oldman.
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David Sedaris |
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b45a115
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Something has changed, and now, when I look at my students, I see only people who are going to eat up my time.
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David Sedaris |
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5847e91
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living in a foreign country is one of those things that everyone should try at least once. My understanding was that it completed a person, sanding down the rough provincial edges and transforming you into a citizen of the world.
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David Sedaris |
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ee5a6e9
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A person needed savings in order to move, but more than that he needed gumption.
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David Sedaris |
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c5dc9a6
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Nobody dreams of the things he already has.
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David Sedaris |
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985df48
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It is what it is," which is ubiquitous now and means absolutely nothing, as far as we can see. "Isn't that the state motto of South Dakota?" I said the second or third time I heard it."
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David Sedaris |
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1deb77e
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I cried for it all and wondered why so few songs were written about cats.
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David Sedaris |
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59d82f6
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Time is cruel to everything but seems to have singled out eyeglasses for special punishment. What looks good now is guaranteed to embarrass you twenty years down the line, which is, of course, the whole problem with fashion.
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David Sedaris |
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8964609
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Why go to a store when you could go to a museum?" she might ask. "Um, because the museum doesn't sell shit?" My sisters and I refuse to feel bad about shopping. And why should we? Obviously we have some hole we're trying to fill, but doesn't everyone? And isn't filling it with berets the size of toilet-seat covers, if not more practical, then at least healthier than filling it with frosting or heroin or unsafe sex with strangers?"
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David Sedaris |
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42620db
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All I do is fly, so one-upping Ann was pretty easy. "A few years back, at a book signing, I met a pilot," I began. "He flew the Newark to Palm Beach route, right? So it's December twenty-third, and as they touch down in Florida, one of the flight attendants takes the microphone and delivers her standard landing speech. 'Please remain seated until the FASTEN SEAT BELT sign has been turned off and be careful when opening the overhead bins. We..
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David Sedaris |
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9bb5cb6
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What are you doing?' Hugh moaned as I stepped out of the dressing room. 'That's three pairs of culottes you'll own now.' All I could say in my defense was 'Maybe I have a busy life.
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life
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David Sedaris |
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aac3f57
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I was still hoping that it might be a phase, that I'd wake up the next day and be normal. In the best of times, it seemed like such a short leap. I did fantasize about having a girlfriend--never the sex part, but the rest of it I had down. I knew what she'd look like and how she'd hold her long hair back from the flame when bending over a lit candle. I imagined us getting married the summer after I graduated from college, and then I imagine..
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David Sedaris |
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29c4617
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I'd asked the same question a few years earlier in Amsterdam and learned that in the Netherlands you're more apt to bring a disease into it. "Like if someone drives in a crazy way, it's normal to call them a cholera sufferer," a Dutch woman told me. "Either that or a cancer whore."
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David Sedaris |