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Any person or system exposed to ceaseless novelty and change risks falling into chaos; but one that is too rigid or static ceases to grow and eventually dies. This never-ending dance between change and stability is like the anchor and the waves.
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Esther Perel |
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2ff438d
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All relationships live in the shadow of the third, for it is the other that solders our dyad. In his book Monogamy, Adam Phillips writes, "The couple is a resistance to the intrusion of the third, but in order for it to last it is indispensable to have enemies. That is why the monogamous can't live without them. When we are two, we are together. In order to form a couple, we need to be three."
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Esther Perel |
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6492ce0
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The grand illusion of committed love is that we think our partners are ours. In truth, their separateness is unassailable, and their mystery is forever ungraspable. As soon as we can begin to acknowledge this, sustained desire becomes a real possibility.
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Esther Perel |
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827c58f
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We no longer get work out of our children; today we get meaning.
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parenthood
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Esther Perel |
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3e44c33
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Love rests on two pillars: surrender and autonomy.
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Esther Perel |
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0e8c966
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Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. --Anais Nin
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Esther Perel |
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d25ab85
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We liken the passion of the beginning to adolescent intoxication--both transient and unrealistic. The consolation for giving it up is the security that waits on the other side. Yet when we trade passion for stability, are we not merely swapping one fantasy for another? As Stephen Mitchell points out, the fantasy of permanence may trump the fantasy of passion, but both are products of our imagination.
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Esther Perel |
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c65413b
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Terry Real, who has written extensively about men in relationships, describes a particular "unholy triangle" between "the powerful, irresponsible, and/or abusive father, the codependent, downtrodden wife, and the sweet son caught in the middle." These sons, he expands, become unhealthily enmeshed with their mothers, and as adults, they "become afraid of their own range of emotions."2 They are kind souls who feel they must curtail their own ..
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Esther Perel |
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d348ffe
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But when we reduce the conversation to simply passing judgment, we are left with no conversation at all.
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Esther Perel |
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c700173
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As long as men completely dominate business and political life, as long as women are economically dependent on men, as long as the burden of child care falls wholly on women's shoulders (toppling even the most egalitarian couples), you cannot speak of a liberated female sexuality.
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Esther Perel |
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3d0258d
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Introducing uncertainty sometimes requires nothing more than letting go of the illusion of certitude. In this shift of perception, we recognize the inherent mystery of our partner. I point out to Adele that if we are to maintain desire with one person over time we must be able to bring a sense of unknown into a familiar space. In the words of Proust, "The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes..
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Esther Perel |
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c58bdb8
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Despite living in a time of unprecedented sexual freedom in America, the practice of policing sexuality has continued unabated since the days of the Puritans.
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Esther Perel |
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e687b7c
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The best ideas rarely arise in one isolated mind, but rather develop in networks of curious and creative thinkers.
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mind
creative
isolated
network
thinkers
ideas
curious
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Esther Perel |
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c7fde4c
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I]nfidelity has a tenacity that marriage can only envy.
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marriage
tenacity
infidelity
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Esther Perel |
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dc7002f
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Once we strayed because marriage was not supposed to deliver love and passion. Today we stray because marriage fails to deliver the love, passion, and undivided attention it promised.
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Esther Perel |
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57c136f
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Eroticism challenges us to seek a different kind of resolution, to surrender to the unknown and ungraspable, and to breach the confines of the rational world.
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Esther Perel |
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0c6bf9a
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if you're too busy for sex, you're too busy.
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Esther Perel |
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0129118
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What I can tell you," she says, "is that his kindness makes me feel safe, but when I think about who I want to sleep with, safe is not what I look for."
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Esther Perel |
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d19dbe5
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eroticism. Though I doubt that they ever used this word, they embodied its mystical meaning as a quality of aliveness, a pathway to freedom
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Esther Perel |
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2755e7a
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When we are children, play comes to us naturally, but our capacity for play collapses as we age. Sex often remains the last arena of play we can permit ourselves, a bridge to our childhood. Long after the mind has been filled with injunctions to be serious, the body remains a free zone, unencumbered by reason and judgment. In lovemaking, we can recapture the utterly uninhibited movement of the child, who has not yet developed self-conscious..
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sexuality
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Esther Perel |
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81822f1
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excitement is interwoven with uncertainty, and with our willingness to embrace the unknown rather than to shield ourselves from it. But this very tension leaves us feeling vulnerable. I caution my patients that there is no such thing as "safe sex."
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Esther Perel |
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c1a7829
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While much has been written about the aggressive manifestations of male sexuality, it is not sufficiently appreciated that the erotic realm also offers men a restorative experience for their more tender side. The body is our original mother tongue, and for a lot of men it remains the only language of closeness that hasn't been spoiled. Through sex, men can recapture the pure pleasure of connection without having to compress their hard-to-ar..
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Esther Perel |
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595c823
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The whole fauna of human fantasies, their marine vegetation, drifts and luxuriates in the dimly lit zones of human activity, as though plaiting thick tresses of darkness. Here, too, appear the lighthouses of the mind, with their outward resemblance to less pure symbols. The gateway to mystery swings open at the touch of human weakness and we have entered the realms of darkness. One false step, one slurred syllable together reveal a man's th..
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Esther Perel |
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d532538
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The honeymoon phase is special in that it brings together the relief of reciprocated love with the excitement of a future still to be created. What we often don't realize is that the exuberance of the beginning is fueled by its undercurrent of uncertainty. We set out to make love more secure and dependable, but in the process, inevitably we dial down its intensity. On the path of commitment, we happily trade a little passion for a bit more ..
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Esther Perel |
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3e10a9d
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My husband deals with pain; I deal with pleasure. They are intimately acquainted.
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Esther Perel |
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0064449
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Until now monogamy has been the default setting, and it sits on the premise (however unrealistic) that if you truly love, you should no longer be attracted to others.
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Esther Perel |
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26f9fbf
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So, like a forgotten fire, a childhood can always flare up again within us. --Gaston Bachelard
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Esther Perel |
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38459ee
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Neutralizing each other's complexity affords us a kind of manageable otherness.
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Esther Perel |
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36f70c6
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She's beautiful, too, did I mention that? She lives the life I didn't live. I feel middle-age and middle-class around her. Nothing wrong with that, you'll say, but her adrenaline is contagious. She really hits a nerve in me, and she excites me. I've developed this amazing crush on her. You know how I've been talking about this feeling of deadness, my energy dropping, my body getting heavier? It's like when I settled down, I shut down. Well,..
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Esther Perel |
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a6de252
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In uncertainty lies the seed of wanting.
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Esther Perel |
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1f1c988
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Is jealousy an expression of love or a sign of insecurity?
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Esther Perel |
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5ba77db
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I got rid of my motorcycle when Jimmy was born. I'm not allowed to die in a bike crash anymore.
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Esther Perel |
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c85eaa8
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This litany of disenchantment notwithstanding, I believe there's an additional layer to our libidinal demise that has to do with our culture's deep ambivalence around sexuality. While we recognize the importance of sex, we nonetheless vacillate between extremes of excessive license and repressive tactics: "Don't do it till you're married." "Just do it when you feel like it." "It's no big deal." "It's a huge deal." "You need love." "What's l..
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Esther Perel |
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400f8c7
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Given the transient nature of life, given its ceaseless flux, there is more than a hint of arrogance in the assumption that we can make our relationships permanent, and that security can actually be fixed.
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Esther Perel |
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fc01bc6
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But when we reduce sex to a function, we also invoke the idea of dysfunction. We are no longer talking about the art of sex; rather, we are talking about the mechanics of sex. Science has replaced religion as the authority; and science is a more formidable arbiter. Medicine knows how to scare even those who scoff at religion. Compared with a diagnosis, what's a mere sin? We used to moralize; today we normalize, and performance anxiety is th..
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sex
science
religion-and-science
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Esther Perel |
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91306e5
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Sexual desire does not obey the laws that maintain peace and contentment between partners. Reason, understanding, compassion, and camaraderie are the handmaidens of a close, harmonious relationship. But sex often evokes unreasoning obsession rather than thoughtful judgment, and selfish desire rather than altruistic consideration. Aggression, objectification, and power all exist in the shadow of desire, components of passion that do not nece..
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Esther Perel |
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f6b5047
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Eroticism resides in the ambiguous space between anxiety and fascination.
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Esther Perel |
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96d05c4
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Erotic intelligence is about creating distance, then bringing that space to life.
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Esther Perel |
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9812d21
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Once divorce carried all the stigma. Now, choosing to stay when you can leave is the new shame.
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Esther Perel |
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d3a9fc0
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In this world there are only two tragedies. One is getting what one wants, and the other is not getting it." When"
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Esther Perel |
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12c3090
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Ours is a culture that reveres the ethos of absolute frankness and elevates truth-telling to moral perfection. Other cultures believe that when everything is out in the open and ambiguity is done away with, it may not increase intimacy, but compromise it.
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Esther Perel |
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7d82438
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By turning our backs on other loves, we confirm the uniqueness of our "significant other." "I have found The One. I can stop looking." Miraculously, our desire for others is supposed to evaporate, vanquished by the power of this singular attraction."
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Esther Perel |
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fa22025
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when two become one--connection can no longer happen. There is no one to connect with. Thus separateness is a precondition for connection: this is the essential paradox of intimacy and sex.
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Esther Perel |
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157f98f
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The Archaeology of Desire The psychology of our desire often lies buried in the details of our childhood, and digging through the early history of our lives uncovers its archaeology. We can trace back to where we learned to love and how. Did we learn to experience pleasure or not, to trust others or not, to receive or be denied? Were our parents monitoring our needs or were we expected to monitor theirs? Did we turn to them for protection, ..
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Esther Perel |