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17bc695
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Sometimes they come sheepishly; sometimes they arrive desperate, dejected, enraged. They don't just miss sex, the act; they miss the feeling of connection, playfulness, and renewal that sex allows them. I invite you to join me in my conversations with these questers as we work toward opening up and coming a step closer to transcendence.
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Esther Perel |
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ae710ad
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Trouble looms when monogamy is no longer a free expression of loyalty but a form of enforced compliance. Excessive monitoring can set the stage for what Stephen Mitchell calls "acts of exuberant defiance." --
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Esther Perel |
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9b06fe8
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Because I believe that some good can come out of the crisis of infidelity, I have often been asked, "So, would you recommend an affair to a struggling couple?" My response? A lot of people have positive, life-changing experiences that come along with terminal illness. But I would not recommend having an affair than I would recommend getting cancer."
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Esther Perel |
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7edcc74
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Everyday in my office I meet consumers of the modern ideology of marriage. They bought the product, got it home, and found that it was missing a few pieces. So they come to the repair shop to fix it so it looks like what's on the box. They take their relational aspirations as a given-both what they want and what they deserve to have-and are upset when the romantic ideal doesn't jibe with the unromantic reality. It's no surprise that this ut..
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marriage
romance
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Esther Perel |
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ec6db7a
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When marriage was an economic arrangement, infidelity threatened our economic security; today marriage is a romantic arrangement and infidelity threatens our emotional security.
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Esther Perel |
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788d46b
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Q: Are there any secrets to long-lasting relationships? A: Infidelity. Not the act itself, but the threat of it. For Proust, an injection of jealousy is the only thing capable of rescuing a relationship ruined by habit. --Alain de Botton, How Proust Can Change Your Life The bonds of wedlock are so heavy that it takes two to carry them, sometimes three. --Alexandre Dumas
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Esther Perel |
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5443868
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Childhood has been sanctified so that it no longer seems ridiculous for one adult to sacrifice herself entirely in order to foster the flawless and painless development of her offspring--a one-person, round-the-clock child rearing factory. This is a far cry from the days (not so long ago in America and still present in many parts of the world) when children were considered principally as collective economic assets, and women gave birth to m..
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Esther Perel |
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1d0f647
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Infidelity hurts. But when we grant it a special status in the hierarchy of marital misdemeanors, we risk allowing it to overshadow the egregious behaviors that may have preceded it or even led to it.
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Esther Perel |
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60d791d
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Barry Johnson, an expert on leadership who is the author of Polarity Management: Identifying and Managing Unsolvable Problems,
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Esther Perel |
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94343a9
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Eventually, if desire withers, monogamy too easily slides downward into celibacy. When this happens, fidelity becomes a weakness rather than a virtue.
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Esther Perel |
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f8d999f
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When I ask her if her open marriage isn't painful, she answers, "Sometimes it is. Sometimes it's not. But monogamy--which we never negotiated, by the way--was painful, too."
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Esther Perel |
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77be6ef
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The swiping culture lures us with infinite possibilities, but it also exerts a subtle tyranny. The constant awareness of ready alternatives invites unfavorable comparisons, weakens commitment, and prevents us from enjoying the present moment.
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Esther Perel |
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8820b54
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We bitch about our difficulties along the rough surface of our path, we curse every sharp stone underneath, until at some point in our maturation, we finally look down to see that they are diamonds.
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Esther Perel |
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77687db
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At one time you pursued Stephanie with great creativity, but no more. There's an assumption--and you're not alone--that we need only pursue what we don't yet possess. The trick is that in order to keep our partner erotically engaged we have to become more seductive, not less.
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Esther Perel |
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91b8019
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Sex without sin is like an egg without salt. --Luis Bunuel
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Esther Perel |
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a3c1499
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Affairs have their own brand of passion. Secrecy, torment, guilt, transgression, danger, risk, and jealousy are highly combustible, a Molotov cocktail, an erotic explosion far too threatening in a home with children.
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Esther Perel |
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5a37b42
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To the American way of thinking, respect is bound up with honesty, and honesty is essential to personal responsibility. Hiding, dissimulation, and other forms of deception amount to disrespect. You lie only to those beneath you--children, constituents, employees
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Esther Perel |
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7f24c8f
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Marriage is imperfect. We start with a desire for oneness, and then we discover our differences. Our fears are aroused by the prospect of all the things we're never going to have. We
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Esther Perel |
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c3b4508
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Rather than inhibiting a couple's sexuality, recognizing the third has a tendency to add spice, not least because it reminds us that we do not own our partners. We
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Esther Perel |
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ed11e6e
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Swinging is a form of consensual adultery. It also accords equal freedom to both partners.
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Esther Perel |
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00e481d
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For these couples, fidelity is defined not by sexual exclusivity but by the strength of their commitment.
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Esther Perel |
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1ca9b75
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Almost everywhere people marry, monogamy is the official norm and infidelity the clandestine one.
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infidelity
marriage
monogamy
norm
official
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Esther Perel |
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bd09757
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Big data analyst Seth Stephens-Davidowitz reports in the New York Times that Google searches for "sexless marriage" outnumber searches related to any other marital issue.3"
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Esther Perel |
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dfc2362
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Rather than looking at sex as an exclusive outgrowth of the emotional relationship, I've come to see it as a separate entity. Sexuality is more than a metaphor for the relationship--it stands on its own as a parallel narrative.
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Esther Perel |
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0ce04fa
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His security rests not only on what Alice does but also on what she thinks. Her fantasies are proof of her freedom and separateness, and that
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Esther Perel |
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c96609a
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Armed with an ideology of love that advocates togetherness, we are awkward about pursuing autonomy. This is especially true of the individuality of our desire. Even couples who grant one another considerable space elsewhere
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Esther Perel |
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4bff04d
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Proust, "The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes." Adele recalls a moment when she experienced"
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Esther Perel |
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d5943eb
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Frank Jude Boccio, author of Mindfulness Yoga, to think about as he leaves the session: "We bitch about our difficulties along the rough surface of our path, we curse every sharp stone underneath, until at some point in our maturation, we finally look down to see that they are diamonds."
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Esther Perel |
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3bc176f
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I've been a sexual underachiever my whole life, and I resent Warren for feeling entitled to something that I won't allow for myself!
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Esther Perel |
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19b5a17
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You would think that the safety of an established base would make it easier to take these kinds of risks, but no. A secure relationship does indeed give us the courage to act on our professional ambitions, to confront family secrets, and to take the skydiving course we never dared consider before. Yet we balk at the idea of establishing distance within the relationship itself--the very place that grants us the delicious togetherness in the ..
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Esther Perel |
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67ff6ea
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The French psychologist Jacques Salome talks about the need to develop a personal intimacy with one's own self as a counterbalance to the couple. There is beauty in an image that highlights a connection to oneself, rather than a distance from one's partner. In our mutual intimacy we make love, we have children, and we share physical space and interests. Indeed, we blend the essential parts of our lives. But "essential" does not mean "all." ..
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Esther Perel |
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e2dd015
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Love enjoys knowing everything about you; desire needs mystery. Love likes to shrink the distance that exists between me and you, while desire is energized by it.
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Esther Perel |
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43f48eb
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If intimacy grows through repetition and familiarity, eroticism is numbed by repetition. It thrives on the mysterious, the novel, and the unexpected. Love is about having; desire is about wanting. An expression of longing, desire requires ongoing elusiveness. It is less concerned with where it has already been than passionate about where it can still go. But too often, as couples settle into the comforts of love, they cease to fan the flame..
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Esther Perel |
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6e7fd42
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Polarity Management: Identifying and Managing Unsolvable Problems
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Esther Perel |
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69c4e33
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Armed with an ideology of love that advocates togetherness, we are awkward about pursuing autonomy. This is especially true of the individuality of our desire.
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Esther Perel |
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313d268
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When the impulse to share becomes obligatory, when personal boundaries are no longer respected, when only the shared space of togetherness is acknowledged and private space is denied, fusion replaces intimacy and possession co-opts love. It is also the kiss of death for sex. Deprived of enigma, intimacy becomes cruel when it excludes any possibility of discovery. Where there is nothing left to hide, there is nothing left to seek.
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Esther Perel |
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d855ad2
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Acknowledging the third has to do with validating the erotic separateness of our partner. It follows that our partner's sexuality does not belong to us. It isn't just for and about us, and we should not assume that it rightfully falls within our jurisdiction. It doesn't.
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Esther Perel |
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067d306
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Love rests on two pillars: surrender and autonomy. Our need for togetherness exists alongside our need for separateness. One does not exist without the other. With too much distance, there can be no connection. But too much merging eradicates the separateness of two distinct individuals. Then there is nothing more to transcend, no bridge to walk on, no one to visit on the other side, no other internal world to enter. When people become fuse..
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Esther Perel |
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b0e6134
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Oscar Wilde wrote, "In this world there are only two tragedies. One is getting what one wants, and the other is not getting it." When our desires are unfulfilled, we"
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Esther Perel |
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7d68c3d
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It takes courage to push yourself to places that you have never been before...to test your limits...to break through barriers. And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. --Anais Nin
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Esther Perel |
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a54d777
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I do believe that the emphasis on egalitarian and respectful sex--purged of any expressions of power, aggression, and transgression--is antithetical to erotic desire for men and women alike.
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Esther Perel |
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dc6e3cc
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despite its widespread denunciation, infidelity has a tenacity that marriage can only envy.
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Esther Perel |
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15fb20f
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A couple's emotional life together and their physical life together each have their ebbs and flows, their ups and downs, but these don't always correspond. They intersect, they influence each other, but they're also distinct.
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Esther Perel |
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ed1e218
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These developments, in conjunction with postwar economic prosperity, have contributed to a period of unmatched freedom and individualism.
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Esther Perel |