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4df09c5
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The thing about sports, at least for guys, is that nobody ever defines the rules, not even in gym class. Asking what a penalty means is like asking who Jesus was. It's one of those things you're just supposed to know, and if you don't, there's something seriously wrong with you.
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David Sedaris |
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7ea1fd2
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weeks passed, my suitcase grew more and more conventional. "I've got something for you," I'd say to a teenager. "It's nothing huge,"
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David Sedaris |
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302396a
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I can't be alone in this, can I? And, of course, you don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Therefore you keep the crocheted owl given to you by your second-youngest sister and accidentally on purpose drop the mug that reads "Owl Love You Always" and was sent by someone who clearly never knew you to begin with."
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David Sedaris |
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6071c8c
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The child opened her beak even wider, and the stork let out a moan. "It really wouldn't hurt you to take an interest in others," she said. "I tell you I'm depressed, I tell you I feel cornered and lonely, and your response is 'Fine. Now feed me,' which is actually very insensitive of you. All mothers feel unconditional love for their children, but there's a timer on it, all right. It doesn't last forever, especially when you're selfish." Th..
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David Sedaris |
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d4df585
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I'm surrounded by people who have more money than they know what to do with, and none of them have earned it.
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David Sedaris |
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1856995
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We sweat for our pretensions. It
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David Sedaris |
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21277cf
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There are only two places to get robbed: TV and the real world. On television you get your stuff back. In the real world, if you're lucky, the policeman who responds to your call will wonder what kind of computer it was. Don't let this get your hopes up. Chances are he's asking only because he has a software question.
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David Sedaris |
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282866c
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The real life of the party is flattened beneath the bed, taping actual sex encounters, not sitting cross-legged on the floor with a guitar, embarrassing himself and others.
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David Sedaris |
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f131d3d
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He has a point there, that's harsh. Unfortunately, they never gave him a medal for it and as a result he brings it up time and time again.
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David Sedaris |
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ee4b5d6
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What ultimately did me in was the self-adhesive condom. Putting it on was no problem, but its removal qualified as what, in certain cultures, is known as a bris. Wear it once, and you'll need a solid month to fully recover. It will likely be a month in which you'll weigh the relative freedom of peeing in your pants against the unsightly discomfort of a scab-covered penis, ultimately realizing that, in terms of a convenient accessory,
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David Sedaris |
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c882737
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When it comes time to decide who gets the bottom bunk, I think anyone would agree that there's a lot to be said for doing things the hard way.
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David Sedaris |
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f614f57
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The younger an ingredient, the more highly it was valued, thus the baby chicken, the baby spinach, the newborn asparagus, each pale stalk as slender as a fang.
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David Sedaris |
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122c8e4
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It was a father, one hand resting teapot-style on his hip, and the other - what would be the spout - formed into a fist.
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David Sedaris |
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7406a22
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She knew what my mother did not: either you want a clean floor or you want to use a mop, but you can't have both.
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David Sedaris |
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ce4c37e
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It's as though we had asked to have ice cubes in our wine, like, "Ick, who are you?"
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David Sedaris |
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5a71102
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The bow tie is like the pierced eyebrow of the Republican party.
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David Sedaris |
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0b22bd4
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All I can say is that if it helps to have friends, it helps even more to have friends who are governors!
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David Sedaris |
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39a6c69
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Missing a nose. With these children Santa has to be careful not to ask, "And what would you like for Christmas?"
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David Sedaris |
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7fb1ed3
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Like prisoners and shepherds, many of them didn't care who they had sex with, the idea being that what happens in the dark stays in the dark. It's the next morning you have to worry about--the name-calling, the slamming of doors, the charge that you somehow cast a spell.
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David Sedaris |
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80d47be
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even if I were informed, what's the likelihood of changing anyone's opinion, especially a couple of strangers'? If my own little mind is nailed shut, why wouldn't theirs be?
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David Sedaris |
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711b5be
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we flew to Los Angeles, where I secured a new passport. The picture in my stolen one wasn't half bad, but in the new one I look like a penis with an old person's face drawn on it.
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David Sedaris |
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8dd0273
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It's not that I don't have opinions about these things. I just don't feel they're in any way special. Sure, I follow the news. I read the papers and listen to the radio, but I'm not privy to any inside information. When it comes to politics, all I can offer is emotion. My perspective might be slightly different, but so is anyone's when they live overseas.
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David Sedaris |
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4061c43
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Dad said that the guy who can play guitar is going to be the life of the party. He's confusing life with death.
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David Sedaris |
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674ae74
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It hardly seemed fair, because, unlike a horse or a Seeing Eye dog, the whole glory of being a bird is that nobody would ever put you to work.
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freedom
work
sedaris
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David Sedaris |
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fdc85c1
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What if I'd wasted my entire life comparing myself with people who didn't really matter? Try as I might, I still can't wrap my mind around it.
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David Sedaris |
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d9d5b91
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The iPhone 2 led to the 3, but I didn't get the 4 or 5 because I'm holding out for the 7, which, I've heard on good authority, can also be used as a Taser. This will mean I'll have just one less thing to carry around. And isn't that technology's job? To lighten our burden? To broaden our horizons? To make it possible to talk to your attorney and listen to a Styx album and check the obituaries in the town where your parents continue to live ..
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David Sedaris |
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2e7bf3c
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I'm sure my father said plenty of normal things to me when I was growing up, but what stuck, probably because he said it, like, ten thousand times, was "Everything you touch turns to crap." His other catchphrase was "You know what you are? A big fat zero." Excerpt From: David Sedaris. "Let's Explore Diabetes with Owls." iBooks."
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David Sedaris |
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aaea3b6
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So which do you like better,State or Carolina? She was referring to the athletic rivalry between the Triangle area's two largest universities..."Definitely State. State all the way."
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David Sedaris |
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4ead7c6
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Occasionally I'd tune in to a music station, but I always preferred the sound of people talking, even if the subject was something I didn't care about
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David Sedaris |
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38ae1bf
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I might reinvent myself to strangers, but to this day, as far as my family is concerned, I'm still the one most likely to set your house on fire.
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David Sedaris |
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167e123
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I am not a terribly physical person. Helen wasn't either. We'd never hugged or even shaken hands, so it was odd to find myself rubbing her bare shoulder and then her back. It was, I though, like stroking some sort of sea creature, the flesh slick and fatty beneath my palms. In my memory, there was something on the stove, a cauldron of tomato gravy, and the smell of it mixed with the camphor of the Tiger Balm. The windows were steamed, Tony ..
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David Sedaris |
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b29da0f
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Broke a nail clean off, and when it grew back it looked like a Brazil nut.
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David Sedaris |
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a84c192
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My confessions did nothing to alter this situation, but for the first time in my life I felt that somebody actually knew me. Three somebodies, to be exact. Two were roaming the highway in a Cadillac, doing God knows what with a CB radio, but the other was as close to me as my own skin, and I could now feel the undiluted pleasure of her company.
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honesty
truth
knowing-someone
pleasure
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David Sedaris |
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5cbf3df
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The problem isn't gaining weight, it's gaining it in the right place.
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David Sedaris |
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e625021
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The walking tour guides one through the city's various landmarks, reciting bits of information the listener might find enlightening. I learned, for example, that in the late 1500s my little neighborhood square was a popular spot for burning people alive. Now lined with a row of small shops, the tradition continues, though in a figurative rather than literal sense.
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humor
david-sedaris
satire
funny-quotes
france
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David Sedaris |
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81b2668
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They did not live in a child's house, we lived in theirs.
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David Sedaris |
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4c5cabf
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He secretly thinks he looks like Marlon Brando, but take a good look a young Marlin Perkins is more like it! Maybe that's what he sees in Annette Kelper--he's an animal lover.
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David Sedaris |
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a994d15
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The fetus was minute - a congregation of loitering cells - and as with anything that informal, there was a good chance that it might disperse.
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David Sedaris |
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e183cf6
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To be fair, he had never actually promised to be monogamous. That was my idea, and though I tried my hardest to convert him, the allure of other people was just too great.
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David Sedaris |
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ca54243
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You spend hours wrestling with yourself, trying to keep your vision intact, your intensity undiminished. Sometimes I have to stick my head under the tap to get my wits back. And for what? You know what publishing is like these days. Paper costs going up all the time. Nothing gets printed unless it can be made into a movie. Everything is media. Crooked politicians sell their unwritten memoirs for thousands. I've got a great idea for a novel...
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David Sedaris |
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3008d7f
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but wasn't everyone in England supposed to be a detective? Wasn't every crime, no matter how complex, solved in a timely fashion by either a professional or a hobbyist? That's the impression you get from British books and TV shows. Sherlock Holmes, Miss Marple, Hetty Wainthropp, Inspector George Gently: they come from every class and corner of the country. There's even Edith Pargeter's Brother Cadfael, a Benedictine monk who solved crimes i..
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england
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David Sedaris |
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6f4c28f
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Nobody likes having a problem, but having a convoluted, bureaucratic one is even more galling.
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problems
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David Sedaris |
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bd3bb64
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The two of you grew apart,' my mother would say. She made it sound as if we'd veered off in different directions, though in fact we had the exact same destination. I just never made it.
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David Sedaris |
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63b8df3
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Boxes of records made me think that LPs should be outlawed or at least limited to five per person, and I soon came to despise the type who packs even her empty shampoo bottles, figuring she'll sort things out and throw them away once she's settled into her new place.
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David Sedaris |