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6f415ac
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Most movies and TV shows get drugs wrong. Someone takes a bong hit and spends the next few hours laughing uncontrollably. Someone takes acid and steps into the Sergeant Pepper cover. Six Feet Under gets drugs right, so after taking the mushrooms, Claire and her friend hole up in the bedroom, using the sewing machine and wishing they lived in the nineteenth century.
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David Sedaris |
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f72e1df
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I see his presidential bid as just another commercial for himself. It wouldn't surprise me if he were to name the Hamburglar as his running mate.
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David Sedaris |
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32957b2
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Walking twenty-five miles, or even running up the stairs and back, suddenly seemed pointless, since without the steps being counted and registered, what use were they?
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David Sedaris |
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3f3c63b
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Asking for candy on Halloween was called trick-or-treating, but asking for candy on November first was called begging, and it made people uncomfortable.
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David Sedaris |
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54752a2
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While the mini-series based upon novels generate a good deal of interest, it's these real-life dramas that tend to draw a larger audience. Why? I chalk it up to five simple words we use in every print or televised promotion. Five words: "Based Upon a True Story." Not made up in the mind of some typist, but true. Some say that truth is stranger than fiction,"
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David Sedaris |
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0df8391
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The last time I was up at five was because I hadn't gone to bed yet.
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David Sedaris |
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639cd28
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These tabloids only want to exploit. They don't understand this woman and her life. They don't understand you, let alone someone like me. If you want my opinion, they're nothing but savages and we'd be better off without them.
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David Sedaris |
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8593c87
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May 17, 1979 Raleigh Gas in four states is now selling for over $1 a gallon.
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David Sedaris |
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143be78
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Like many good biography subjects, she became a mess toward the end of her life.
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David Sedaris |
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18bb5bc
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It's so hard to predict which friends will last and which will fade away. Quite often I'd move and lose half the contacts in my address book, people I thought would be with me forever. It's not that we outgrew one another. They just couldn't be bothered to put a stamp on a letter. Or I couldn't. Of course it's easier now with email.
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David Sedaris |
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9837ab5
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Every gathering has its moment. As an adult, I distract myself by trying to identify it, dreading the inevitable downswing that is sure to follow. The guests will repeat themselves one too many times, or you'll run out of dope or liquor and realize that it was all you ever had in common. At the time, though, I still believed that such a warm and heady feeling might last forever and that in embracing it fully, I might approximate the same wi..
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David Sedaris |
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cecfd27
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A Dutch parent has a decidedly hairier story to relate, telling his children, "Listen, you might want to pack a few of your things together before going to bed. The former bishop of Turkey will be coming tonight along with six to eight black men. They might put some candy in your shoes, they might stuff you into a sack and take you to Spain, or they might just pretend to kick you. We don't know for sure, but we want you to be prepared."
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David Sedaris |
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a5aec39
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I felt betrayed, the way you do when you discover that your cat has a secret secondary life and is being fed by neighbors who call him something stupid like Calypso.
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David Sedaris |
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d99e97e
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By this point in my stay, my list of don'ts covered three pages and included such reminders as: never fall asleep in a Dumpster, never underestimate a bee, never drive a convertible behind a flatbed truck, never get old, never get drunk near a train, and never, under any circumstances, cut off your air supply while masturbating. This last one is a nationwide epidemic, and it's surprising the number of men who do it while dressed in their wi..
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David Sedaris |
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497509f
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Jews in concentration camps had shaved heads and tattoos. You'd think the anti-Semites would go for a different look.
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David Sedaris |
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4595fef
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By Thanksgiving I was imagining people naked rather than dead and naked, which was an improvement.
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David Sedaris |
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03f9056
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SANTA HAS A TUMOR IN HIS HEAD THE SIZE OF AN OLIVE. MAYBE IT WILL GO AWAY TOMORROW BUT I DON'T THINK SO.
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David Sedaris |
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ca96ea4
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You'd think I'd have addressed my drinking, at least in the privacy of my diary, but it's rarely mentioned. To type that word--alcoholic--would have made it real, so I never recounted the talking-tos I got from Hugh and certain helpful people in my family.
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David Sedaris |
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775705a
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Here was a person for whom the word pen had two syllables. Her people undoubtedly drank from clay jugs and hollered for Paw when the vittles were ready--so who was she to advise me on anything?
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David Sedaris |
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e1fbf03
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The word phobic has its place when properly used, but lately it's been declawed by the pompous insistence that most animosity is based upon fear rather than loathing. No credit is given for distinguishing between these two very different emotions. I fear snakes. I hate computers. My hatred is entrenched, and I nourish it daily. I'm comfortable with it, and no community outreach program will change my mind.
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David Sedaris |
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89b04d1
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In the beginning, I was put off by the harshness of German. Someone would order a piece of cake, and it sounded as if it were an actual order, like, "Cut the cake and lie facedown in that ditch between the cobbler and the little girl."
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David Sedaris |
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6569c5d
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Story-telling is pivotal to our well-being, as are nonethnic jokes and riddles.
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David Sedaris |
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6abd41c
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Her: So how was your trip in? You: Well, I was originally going to fly, but then this tiger offered to carry me very gently in her mouth. I said OK, but you know what? She wasn't gentle at all. One of her teeth pierced my small intestine, so now, on top of everything else, I have to shit in a bag every day for the rest of my life! Her: Well, that is just awesome. We're all so glad you made it.
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David Sedaris |
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3c2f0ad
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When asked what we wanted to be when we grew up, we hid the truth and listed who we wanted to sleep with when we grew up. "A policeman or a fireman or one of those guys who works with high-tension wires."
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David Sedaris |
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1bebc77
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Were they to charge you ten cents per napkin, they would undoubtedly make them much thinner so you'd need to waste even more in order to fight back the piping hot geyser forever spouting from the little hole conveniently located in the lid of your cup.
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David sedaris |
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bb9f234
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You're afraid of moths?" He nodded yes and winced a little. "But nobody's afraid of moths." "I am," he whispered, and he looked behind us, as if afraid that one might be listening."
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David Sedaris |
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25b61a5
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I refuse to support the poltergeist industry, so would sooner sleep in a cardboard box than at the Belle Grove Plantation or the Albert Shafsky House, or any of the other places listed in the Hundred Most Haunted Hotels and B&Bs in America, none of which is named the Scarriott for some reason.
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David Sedaris |
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2c4d405
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When someone makes a spectacular ass of himself, it's always in a French restaurant, never a Japanese or Italian one. The French are the people who slap one another with gloves and wear scarves to cover their engorged hickies. My understanding was that, no matter how hard we tried, the French would never like us, and that's confusing to an American raised to believe that the citizens of Europe should be grateful for all the wonderful things..
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humor
usa
french
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David Sedaris |
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34d2e25
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Shopping has nothing to do with money. If you have it, you go to stores and galleries, and if not, you haunt flea markets or Goodwills.
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David Sedaris |
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3e0ba3e
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As a business traveler, you'll likely be met at your destination by someone who asks, "So, how was your flight?" This, as if there are interesting variations and you might answer, "The live orchestra was a nice touch," or "The first half was great, but then they let a baby take over the controls and it got all bumpy." In fact, there are only two kinds of flights: ones in which you die and ones in which you do not."
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David Sedaris |
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df02c8d
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Do you think it was my fault that she drank?" my father asked not long ago. It's the assumption of an amateur, someone who stops after his second vodka tonic and quits taking his pain medication before the prescription runs out. It's almost laughable, this insistence on a reason. I think my mother was lonely without her children--her fan club. But I think she drank because she was an alcoholic."
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David Sedaris |
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c539a82
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Later that night I met a Bulgarian. "In my country, you say to someone you hate, 'May you build a house from your kidney stones.'" Well, finally, I thought."
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David Sedaris |
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700226d
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Some of my additions to the list were things that Ronnie wasn't familiar with. "We're all going to the same place," for instance. This is what novice fliers in group five say when they get caught trying to board with group two. Sure, we're all headed to St. Louis. The difference is that some people (me) are going to find room in the overhead bins and others (you) are not."
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David Sedaris |
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1f61edb
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Increasingly at Southern airports, instead of a "good-bye" or "thank-you," cashiers are apt to say, "Have a blessed day." This can make you feel like you've been sprayed against your will with God cologne. "Get it off me!" I always want to scream."
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David Sedaris |
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f326ce7
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The squirrel and the chipmunk had been dating for two weeks when they ran out of things to talk about.
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David Sedaris |
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4d1a33b
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the taste of warm rain; the smell of a baby; the din of a swollen river, rushing past her tree and onward to infinity.
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David Sedaris |
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7fb3ffa
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I've become like one of those people I hate, the sort who go to the museum and, instead of looking at the magnificent Brueghel, take a picture of it, reducing it from art to proof. It's not "Look what Brueghel did, painted this masterpiece" but "Look what I did, went to Rotterdam and stood in front of a Brueghel painting!"
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brueghel
museums
proof
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David Sedaris |
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53daabd
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In some of the early northern European paintings, Christ looks like you flushed him out from under a bridge, but in Sunday-school books and the sorts of pictures they sell at Christian supply stores, he falls somewhere between Kenny Loggins and Jared Leto, always doe-eyed and, of course, white, with brown--not black--hair, usually wavy. And he always has a fantastic body, shown at its best on the cross, which--face it--was practically desig..
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ugliness
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David Sedaris |
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ff6b4f0
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Happiness is harder to put into words. It's also harder to source, much more mysterious than anger or sorrow, which come to me promptly, whenever I summon them, and remain long after I've begged them to leave.
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David Sedaris |
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ed8c649
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We're not pessimists, exactly, but in late middle age, when you envision your life ten years down the line, you're more likely to see a bedpan than a Tony Award.
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David Sedaris |
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dbbc8be
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A young couple strolls by, the adoration of one bouncing off the tolerance of the other.
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David Sedaris |
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dde41dd
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I had just turned twenty-nine, and honestly, I still didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up. Sometimes it felt like life was more a process of elimination than a series of choices.
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David Sedaris |
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432f445
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Shopping has nothing to do with money. If you have it, you go to stores and galleries, and if not, you haunt flea markets or Goodwills. Never, though, do you not do it, choosing instead to visit a park or a temple or some cultural institution where they don't sell things.
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David Sedaris |
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a6be2db
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That's the thing with a diary, though. In order to record your life, you sort of need to live it. Not at your desk, but beyond it. Out in the world where it's so beautiful and complex and painful that sometimes you just need to sit down and write about it.
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David Sedaris |