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68ebe02
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A zoo is a good place to make a spectacle of yourself, as the people around you have creepier, more photogenic things to look at.
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humor
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David Sedaris |
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45b38c2
|
The trouble with aggressive nonsmokers is that they feel they are doing you a favor by not allowing you to smoke. They seem to think that one day you'll look back and thank them for those precious fifteen seconds they just added to your life. What they don't understand is that those are just fifteen more seconds you can spend hating their guts and plotting revenge.
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humor
vindictive
joke
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David Sedaris |
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96ed8fd
|
In Paris the cashiers sit rather than stand. They run your goods over a scanner, tally up the price, and then ask you for exact change. The story they give is that there aren't enough euros to go around. "The entire EU is short on coins." And I say, "Really?" because there are plenty of them in Germany. I'm never asked for exact change in Spain or Holland or Italy, so I think the real problem lies with the Parisian cashiers, who are, in a w..
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euros
tokyo
hospitality
japan
cashiers
europe
paris
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David Sedaris |
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85ab63d
|
If I could believe in myself, why not give other improbabilities the benefit of the doubt? I accepted the idea that an omniscient God had cast me in his own image and that he watched over me and guided me from one place to the next. The virgin birth, the resurrection, and the countless miracles -my heart expanded to encompass all the wonders and possibilities of the universe. A bell, though, that's fucked up.
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David Sedaris |
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7960aff
|
I find it ridiculous to assign a gender to an inanimate object incapable of disrobing and making an occasional fool of itself.
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words
language
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David Sedaris |
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448034d
|
Their house had real hard-cover books in it, and you often saw them lying open on the sofa, the words still warm from being read.
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David Sedaris |
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c57f7ff
|
College is the best thing that can ever happen to you," my father used to say, and he was right, for it was there that I discovered drugs, drinking, and smoking.."
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David Sedaris |
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87a42dc
|
I won't put in a load of laundry, because the machine is too loud and would drown out other, more significant noises - namely, the shuffling footsteps of the living dead.
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David Sedaris |
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9bc30d1
|
It's a common mistake for vacationing Americans to assume that everyone around them is French and therefore speaks no English whatsoever. [...] An experienced traveler could have told by looking at my shoes that I wasn't French. And even if I were French, it's not as if English is some mysterious tribal dialect spoken only by anthropologists and a small population of cannibals.
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language
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David Sedaris |
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2b37959
|
May I bring you a drink to go with those warm nuts, Mr. Sedaris?" this woman looking after me asked - this as the people in coach were still boarding. The looks they gave me as they passed were the looks I give when the door of a limousine opens. You always expect to see a movie star, or, at the very least, some better dressed than you, but time and time again it's just a sloppy nobody. Thus the look, which translates to, Fuck you, Sloppy N..
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David Sedaris |
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b2fc99b
|
And when Hugh would grow progressively Gandhi on me, I'd remind him that these were pests---disease carriers who feasted upon the dead and then came indoors to dance upon our silverware.
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David Sedaris |
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26c0b20
|
Potential boyfriends could not smoke Merit cigarettes, own or wear a pair of cowboy boots, or eat anything labeled either lite or heart smart. Speech was important, and disqualifying phrases included "I can't find my nipple ring" and "This one here was my first tattoo." All street names had to be said in full, meaning no "Fifty-ninth and Lex," and definitely no "Mad Ave." They couldn't drink more than I did, couldn't write poetry in noteboo..
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David Sedaris |
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643bfab
|
but I have no mind for business and considered staying awake to be enough of an accomplishment.
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inspiration
motivation
work-ethic
lazy
|
David Sedaris |
|
9b2043a
|
I was just struggling with my inner vachette and pondering the depths of my own inhumanity.
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humor
ponder
guilt
|
David Sedaris |
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2935a29
|
All these young mothers chauffeuring their volcanic three-year-olds through the grocery store. The child's name always sounds vaguely presidental, and he or she tends to act accordingly. "Mommy hears what you're saying about treats," the woman will say, "But right now she needs you to let go of her hair and put the chocolate-covered Life Savers back where they came from." "No!" screams McKinley or Madison, Kennedy or Lincoln or beet-faced b..
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David Sedaris |
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20cede4
|
Mr. Mancini had a singular talent for making me uncomfortable. He forced me to consider things I'd rather not think about - the sex of my guitar, for instance. If I honestly wanted to put my hands on a woman, would that automatically mean I could play? Gretchen's teacher never told her to think of her piano as a boy. Neither did Lisa's flute teacher, though in that case the analogy was obvious. On the off chance that sexual desire was all i..
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music
|
David Sedaris |
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571e293
|
In Japanese and Italian, the response to ["How are you?"] is "I'm fine, and you?" In German it's answered with a sigh and a slight pause, followed by "Not so good."
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sadness
languages
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David Sedaris |
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f6312e3
|
People are often frightened of Parisians, but an American in Paris will find no harsher critic than another American.
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David Sedaris |
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88a7570
|
For as long as I can remember, my father saved. He saves money, he saves disfigured sticks that resemble disfigured celebrities, and most of all, he saves food. Cherry tomatoes, sausage biscuits, the olives plucked from other people's martinis --he hides these things in strange places until they are rotten. And then he eats them.
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family
packrat
strangeness
food
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David Sedaris |
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3ae2224
|
Say what you will about the south, but in North Carolina a hot dog is free to swing anyway it wishes.
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David Sedaris |
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ec2fa27
|
I should be used to the way Americans dress when traveling, yet it still manages to amaze me. It's as if the person next to you had been washing shoe polish off a pig, then suddenly threw down his sponge saying, "Fuck this. I'm going to Los Angeles!"
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David Sedaris |
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b354d1e
|
This was the consequence of seeing too much and understanding the horrible truth: No one is safe. The world is not manageable.
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David Sedaris |
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ee3e650
|
Sallie Mae sounds like a naive and barefoot hillbilly girl but in fact they are a ruthless and aggressive conglomeration of bullies located in a tall brick building somewhere in Kansas. I picture it to be the tallest building in that state and I have decided they hire their employees straight out of prison.
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David Sedaris |
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0a22005
|
What I really hated, of course, was my mind. There must have been an off switch somewhere, but I was damned if I could find it.
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david sedaris |
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214ccdb
|
It was the look you get when facing a sudden and insurmountable danger: the errant truck, the shaky ladder, the crazy person who pins you to the linoleum and insists, with increasing urgency, that everything you know and love can be undone by a grape.
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David Sedaris |
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f5a68db
|
In other parts of the country people tried to stay together for the sake of the children. In New York they tried to work things out for the sake of the apartment.
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David Sedaris |
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887f815
|
I needed to temper (my dad's) enthusiasm a bit (about attending Princeton), and so I announced that I would be majoring in patricide...My mom was actually jealous.
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David Sedaris |
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50fd256
|
Given enough time, I guess anything can look good. All it has to do is survive.
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David Sedaris |
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496c9a1
|
In the beginning, I was put off by the harshness of German. Someone would order a piece of cake, and it sounded as if it were an actual order, like, 'Cut the cake and lie facedown in that ditch between the cobbler and the little girl'.
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humor
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David Sedaris |
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8bc406b
|
Listen, you might want to pack a few of your things together before going to bed. The former bishop of Turkey will be coming tonight along with six to eight black men. They might put some candy in your shoes, they might stuff you into a sack and take you to Spain, or they might just pretend to kick you. We don't know for sure, but we want you to be prepared." This was the reward for living in the Netherlands. As a child you get to hear thi..
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David Sedaris |
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08f7cc8
|
I was a smart-ass, born and raised. This had been my curse and would continue to be so.
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David Sedaris |
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61105ea
|
I'd always thought that I understood this, but lately I realize that what I call "understanding" is basically just fantasizing."
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David Sedaris |
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3950695
|
The word phobic has its place when properly used, but lately it's been declawed by the pompous insistence that most animosity is based upon fear rather than loathing.... I hate computers. My hatred is entrenched, and I nourish it daily. I'm comfortable with it, and no community outreach program will change my mind.
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psychology
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David Sedaris |
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4204840
|
she took pictures of germs, viruses, and people reacting to germs and viruses. On weekends, for extra money, she photographed weddings, which really wasn't that much of a stretch
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David Sedaris |
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5bc7c52
|
There seemed to be some correlation between devotion to God and a misguided zeal for marshmallows.
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religion
naked
|
David Sedaris |
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54f5460
|
Remember that the most important thing is to try and love other people as much as they love you.
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David Sedaris |
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391698a
|
there's a reason regular people don't appear on TV: we're boring.
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David Sedaris |
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b5947f7
|
When her muzzle grew more white than brown, the chipmunk forgot that she and the squirrel had had nothing to talk about. She forgot the definition of "jazz" as well and came to think of it as every beautiful thing she had ever failed to appreciate: the taste of warm rain; the smell of a baby; the din of a swollen river, rushing past her tree and onward to infinity."
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love
infinity
jazz
|
David Sedaris |
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3a64ba5
|
I can't promise I'll never kill anyone again," he once said, strapping a refrigerator to his back. "It's unrealistic to live your life within such strict parameters"
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life
|
David Sedaris |
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aca31d7
|
Like anyone nostalgic for a time he didn't live through, I chose to weed out the little inconveniences: polio, say, or the thought of eating stewed squirrel. The world was simply grander back then, somehow more civilized, and nicer to look at.
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David Sedaris |
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1d0b1e2
|
This is hurting me a lot more than it's hurting you," he said. It was his standard line, but I knew that this time he was right. Worse than the boil was the stuff that came out of it. What got to me, and got to him even worse, was the stench, which was unbearable, and unlike anything I had come across before. It was, I thought, what evil must smell like--not an evil person but the wicked ideas that have made him that way. How could a person..
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David Sedaris |
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3bbe164
|
clatter of a typewriter suggests that you're actually building something.
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David Sedaris |
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70b9772
|
I don't know how these couples do it, spend hours each night tucking their kids in, reading them books about misguided kittens or seals who wear uniforms, and then reread them if the child so orders. In my house, our parents put us to bed with two simple words: "Shut up." That was always the last thing we heard before our lights were turned off. Our artwork did not hang on the refrigerator or anywhere near it, because our parents recognized..
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David Sedaris |
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2ee3542
|
It make one's mouth hurt to speak with such forced merriment.
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David Sedaris |