|
d77d1d1
|
Woah,' I said, blocking the doorway. 'You can't come in here. This is the girls' room.' Even as it came out of my mouth, I knew it sounded dumb. Dumb, I thought and maybe even . You...are a boy, aren't you?' I asked. 'I mean, don't take that the wrong way or anything -' J.Lo is a boy, yes.' I let that go. So...you Boov have boys and girls...just like us?' Of course,' said J.Lo. 'Do not be ridicumlous.' I smiled a wan little smile. 'Sor..
|
|
humor
politeness
gender
|
Adam Rex |
|
270f76e
|
Is there a short-eared koobish, then?' Mmmyes ...' said J.Lo. 'But it is technically not really a koobish. Is more alike a kind of singing pumpkin.' We had conversations like these all the time, where I just eventually gave up.
|
|
|
Adam Rex |
|
9b5a6d1
|
Can I see some ID?" "WE DON'T HAVE ID," said Jay, loudly. "'CAUSE WE'RE CANADIAN. WE DON'T USE ID...THERE. AND THAT'S WHY WE LOOK SO YOUNG. 'CAUSE WE'RE CANADIAN." Doug stiffened. Jay sounded crazy. Doug tried looking extra sane to even things out."
|
|
funny
canadian
sane
crazy
|
Adam Rex |
|
477895c
|
I spy, with my little eye, something that starts with ... G." "Sausages."
|
|
funny
i-spy
|
Adam Rex |
|
dd2a68f
|
YOU have no room to laugh, that's all. I'm not doing any worse with Boovish than you did with English.' Get off of the car,' J.Lo huffed. 'I am an English superstar.' Uh-uh. There's no comparison. 'Gratuity' in written Boovish has seventeen different bubbles that all have to be the right size and in the right place. 'J.Lo' in written English only has three letters, and you still spelled it 'M-smiley face-pound sign.
|
|
|
Adam Rex |
|
1545a32
|
Wherefor are you knowing it? If you stacked all of the Gorg in the galaxy on top of eachother, the Gorg would kill you.
|
|
|
Adam Rex |
|
2367342
|
Sneaky would be a lime-green Volkswagen. Nobody would suspect the assassins in the lime-green Volkswagen.
|
|
funny
sneaky
|
Adam Rex |
|
3759d5d
|
The Boov frowned. 'Everybodies always is wanting to make a clone for to doing their work. If you are not wanting to do your work, why would a clone of you want to do your work?
|
|
|
Adam Rex |
|
920c4b7
|
Captain Smek himself appeared on television for an official speech to humankind. [...] 'Noble Savages of Earth,' he said. 'Long time we have tried to live together in peace.' (It had been five months.) 'Long time have the Boov suffered under the hostileness and intolerableness of you people. With sad hearts I now concede that Boov and humans will never to exist as one.' I remember being really excited at this point. Could I possibly be he..
|
|
irony
humor
reservations
native-americans
usa
invasion
parody
|
Adam Rex |
|
98eb07a
|
When I was a little girl,' I said, sitting down, 'the wallpaper in my room had pictures of Noah's story.' [...] You know what's weird though? It's weird that the ark would be such a kids' story, you know? I mean, it's...really a story about death. Every person who isn't in Noah's family? They die. Every animal, apart from two of each on the boat? They die. They all die in the flood. Billions of creatures. It's the worst tragedy ever,' I fin..
|
|
noah-s-ark
wallpaper
|
Adam Rex |
|
de38de3
|
We could have made it to the Arizona border in a few more hours if we hadn't been distracting each other with stupid little arguments. Don't get me wrong; I liked J.Lo fine. I've made that bed. But I'm not sure there's a person in the world I could be with twenty-four hours a day for three weeks without getting a little snippy. If I ever meet such a person, I'm marrying them.
|
|
marriage
humor
ideal-partner
|
Adam Rex |
|
90f6927
|
What part of Canada are you from, honey?" "THE LEFT PART," said Jay."
|
|
funny
|
Adam Rex |
|
210aa68
|
Then it suddenly and theatrically began to clean itself in the way cats do when they want you to know what a big deal you aren't.
|
|
funny
|
Adam Rex |
|
af12949
|
Why would a vampire create a younger vampire if there was a possibility the young one might end up destroying the old one?' Stephin stared. 'If you can explain to me how this is different from parenting in general I might know how to answer that.
|
|
vampires
|
Adam Rex |
|
03005b9
|
Sejal had not thought of her home, or of India as a whole, as cool. She was dimly aware, however, of a white Westerner habit of wearing other cultures like T-shirts--the sticker bindis on club kids, sindoor in the hair of an unmarried pop star, Hindi characters inked carelessly on tight tank tops and pale flesh. She knew Americans liked to flash a little Indian or Japanese or African. They were always looking for a little pepper to put in t..
|
|
india
pop-culture
multiculturalism
|
Adam Rex |
|
6463409
|
Soon the Boov was in the ghost suit and Pig was in the car, which would be a good lyric for a bluegrass song, now that I think of it.
|
|
|
Adam Rex |
|
cb64236
|
The United States was a big country where everybody wore funny t-shirts and ate too much.
|
|
humor
demotivational
united-states
|
Adam Rex |
|
ccef406
|
For the gentle werelibrarian, who's strictly vegetarian, there's nothing like Tofillager the MEATLESS TOFU VILLAGER
|
|
|
Adam Rex |
|
e822fa1
|
This is where you all live?" Asked John as they ascended the stairs. "It's small." "This is just our Thanksgiving house," Scott muttered. "We have a house for every day of the year."
|
|
sarcasm
|
Adam Rex |
|
cc0a269
|
Ohh,' said the girl with a sad tilt of her head. It was a response Sejal would hear a lot in the following weeks and which she would eventully come to understand meant, 'Ohh, , that must be so hard for you, and I know because I read this book over the summer called (which is actually set in Pakistan but I don't realize there's a difference) about a girl whose parents sell her to a sandal maker because everyone's poor and they don't care ..
|
|
|
Adam Rex |
|
61caa51
|
I didn't feel up to arguing about it, but I was pretty sure if you loved everything you didn't really love anything.
|
|
|
Adam Rex |
|
290d71c
|
I've been punched by a vampire, an Indian girl, and a panda... I should be a video game.
|
|
|
Adam Rex |
|
0ab9a6e
|
We found the bathrooms, which were labeled 'Aliens' and 'Femaliens.' 'Finally,' I said to J.Lo. 'Here's a bathroom you're allowed to use.
|
|
humor
toilet
|
Adam Rex |
|
bdc08af
|
J.Lo] found us a police car. Sort of. 'It's not a police car,' I said. 'It is,' said J.Lo. 'Looknow. Lights for flashing.' 'That's true.' 'Writing on the sides.' 'Yeah, but the writing? It says ''BullShake Party Patrol.'' Yes. Whatnow?
|
|
red-bull
car
police
|
Adam Rex |
|
0bec2ab
|
For you time-capsule types, MoPo was something called a convenience store, as in, 'The soda is conveniently located right next to the doughnuts and lottery tickets.' People who want to understand better how the human race was conquered so easily need to study those stores. Almost everything inside was filled with sugar, cheese, or weight-loss tips
|
|
|
Adam Rex |
|
2817ecd
|
J.Lo gasped. When I looked to see why, he had one hand to his mouth and the other pointing at me. "You . . ." he squealed, wagging his finger. ". . . your !" I raised my hand to my face, turning it over and back again. "What? What's wrong with it?" "You are bearing the mark! The mark that has been fore ! You are The One . . . The One who will bring peace onto the !" "What, this? This is taco sauce," I said, wiping it clean. J.Lo stared at..
|
|
|
Adam Rex |
|
bccccbc
|
I'm sorry, but !' I yelped and skipped backward as Gorg advanced on me. 'You were given bad information. Probably some human's fault.' I AM PRINCIPAL ANGER COORDINATOR ASSOCIATE-OF-THE-MONTH GORG FOUR-GORG! HUMANS WILL GIVE ME BAD INFORMATION !' He didn't look like a principal. He looked like something Hercules ought to be wrestling on the side of a vase.
|
|
humor
|
Adam Rex |
|
b699ac1
|
Sorry I'm late," Ms. Egami said to the class. She dropped her papers, which scattered in that special way papers do when one is running late."
|
|
papers
late
teacher
school
|
Adam Rex |
|
899d464
|
They can't expect anyone to actually pay for a shirt that says, 'I (picture of an elephant) the San Diego Zoo.' What does that even mean?
|
|
funny
t-shirt
zoo
|
Adam Rex |
|
508fb85
|
Stealing is good, honest work," Said the theif, puffing out his chest. "Well, not honest, strictly speaking," he admitted after a moment. "Or actually good."
|
|
|
Adam Rex |
|
6e9a49a
|
Archimedes was a mathematician," blurted Ethan from the back of the room. "And he was Greek. And he invented things." Ethan was the sort of student who was always keeping score--if he couldn't be the first to declare his knowledge of something, he would make certain you understood that he'd known it already. One day he would be declared the winner, and there would be a Smartest Boy trophy and a parade."
|
|
|
Adam Rex |
|
caeb118
|
Sometimes you really want to say "Duh," but you can't. It's a part of growing up, I guess."
|
|
|
Adam Rex |
|
5cbd022
|
You can do terrible things when you don't know who you are...
|
|
|
Adam Rex |
|
8857e26
|
I meow now?" hissed J.Lo when she was gone. "What comes next? Do I juggle fire?" "Look, I'm sorry, but it's good this happened. Mrs. Hoegaarden will probably tell people you meow, and we'll spread the word, too, and soon if anybody hears Pig they'll just think it's you." "Yes!" droned J.Lo, throwing his hand up. "A foolproof plan! Thank Mother Ocean that you do not use your genius for evil."
|
|
|
Adam Rex |
|
0c2d751
|
The Freemen have 987 levels of membership, the first three of which are achieved merely by filling out an application. The 8th level is granted upon full acceptance into the local lodge, the 13th following Initiation, the 21st at the end of the Initiate's second week, and the 89th the first time he brings snacks.
|
|
|
Adam Rex |
|
e443e5e
|
The fog was mysterious. The lights were mysterious. The music was "A-Tisket, A-Tasket"." --
|
|
|
Adam Rex |
|
feebb24
|
Look," I said halfheartedly. "Another one of those tumbleweeds made out of old hair weaves." "Tumbleweave," said J.Lo."
|
|
|
Adam Rex |
|
aebce75
|
you know what doesn't work when people are tasering you? It's shouting 'Stop tasering me.' If they're tasering you already, they won't stop because you ask them to.
|
|
|
Adam Rex |
|
e8c97b7
|
Jay lurched in one direction, jerked back, lurched in another, tripped for no reason. He finally made it through a gauntlet of invisible obstacles and crouched behind a water fountain shaped like a hippopotamous throwing up.
|
|
random
|
Adam Rex |
|
4e21612
|
a row of tables manned by seated, serious women. Each woman looked like she could be someone's least-favourite aunt.
|
|
women
funny
|
Adam Rex |
|
73dc352
|
So why the pelican? Said Haskoll. The thief was giving Haskoll a look that said,
|
|
|
Adam Rex |
|
720a0d4
|
Told you," said Mick. "Things comin' together. We set off lookin' for the Utz kids an' find a tree full o' everybody. That's magic, too." "It's like a story." "Same thing. The universe don't like plot. Story is magic's way o' telling the universe to sod off." "That's good then, right?" said Scott. After this episode with Emily, he was ready for some optimism. "Magic wants us all to live happily ever after." "Not necessarily," Mick answered...
|
|
|
Adam Rex |
|
5c3c61a
|
I'm half white," I said, folding my arms. "Hrrm. Which half?" I blinked. "Uh...dunno. Let's just say it's from the waist down." Chief Shouting Bear nodded. "Deal. I only hate your legs."
|
|
|
Adam Rex |
|
83a30dc
|
You heard my name was Chief Shouting Bear," he said. "It doesn't matter. You can call me whatever you want, Stupidlegs."
|
|
|
Adam Rex |