funny

Link	Quote	Tags	Author
ccaaf8c	They love their hair because they're not smart enough to love something more interesting.	funny	John Green
cfa6c4b	"I cannot go to school today" Said little Peggy Ann McKay. "I have the measles and the mumps, A gash, a rash and purple bumps. My mouth is wet, my throat is dry. I'm going blind in my right eye. My tonsils are as big as rocks, I've counted sixteen chicken pox. And there's one more - that's seventeen, And don't you think my face looks green? My leg is cut, my eyes are blue, It might be the instamatic flu. I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke, I'm sure that my left leg is broke. My hip hurts when I move my chin, My belly button's caving in. My back is wrenched, my ankle's sprained, My 'pendix pains each time it rains. My toes are cold, my toes are numb, I have a sliver in my thumb. My neck is stiff, my voice is weak, I hardly whisper when I speak. My tongue is filling up my mouth, I think my hair is falling out. My elbow's bent, my spine ain't straight, My temperature is one-o-eight. My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear, There's a hole inside my ear. I have a hangnail, and my heart is ... What? What's that? What's that you say?	poem funny	Shel Silverstein
0ff945a	I've been fighting to be who I am all my life. What's the point of being who I am, if I can't have the person who was worth all the fighting for?	lover humour relationships romance funny spiritual love inspirational wife husband fighting sweet	Stephanie Lennox
a0d8323	"Can you surf really well, then?" I looked at Grover, who was trying hard not to laugh.	myth funny humor posiedon the-lightning-thief olympians athena zeus percy-jackson mythology	Rick Riordan
8e74265	"Can you be a girl for a few seconds?" "I'm always a girl" I frown. "You know what I mean. Like a silly, annoying girl" I twirl my hair around my finger. "Kay."	funny humor divergent tris veronica-roth	Veronica Roth
669832a	But Dumbledore says he doesn't care what they do as long as they don't take him off the Chocolate Frog cards.	funny dumbledore fame	J.K. Rowling
baf9c33	Do you want a cookie? - What? - A cookie. Like an Oreo. Do you want one? - No. - How can you not want a cookie? - I just don't. - Okay, fine,let's say you did want a cookie. Let's say you were dying for a cookie, and there were cookies in the cupboard. What would you do? - I'd eat a cookie? - Exactly. That's all I'm saying. - What are you saying? - That if people want cookies, they should get a cookie. It's what people do. - Let me guess. Dad won't let you have a cookie? - No. Even though I'm practically starving to death, he won't even consider it. He says I have to have a sandwich first. - And you don't think that's fair. - You just said you'd get a cookie if you wanted one. So why can't I? I'm not a little kid. I can make my own decisions. - Hmm. I can see why this bothers you so much. - It's not fair. If he wants a cookie, he can have one. If you want a cookie, you can have one. But if I want a cookie, the rules don't count. Like you said, it's not fair. - So what are you going to do? - I'm going to eat a sandwich. Because I have to. Because the world isn't fair to ten-year-olds.	funny	Nicholas Sparks
245f7c0	Don't gobblefunk around with words.	words funny	Roald Dahl
a85fa4f	"aren't you, uh... reproducing? "sure, we love reproducing it's one of our favorite things."	funny	Cassandra Clare
082f3ad	"Inconceivable!" "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."	funny humor movie princess	William Goldman
ef86b23	Why it's simply impassible! Alice: Why, don't you mean impossible? Door: No, I do mean impassible. Nothing's impossible!	funny humor alice-in-wonderland door wordplay	Lewis Carroll
9404e35	A Penny Saved is a Penny Earned	money funny inspirational	Benjamin Franklin
3854059	"I've got the Mark of Cain," said Simon. "That means nothing can kill me, right?" "You can kill yourself," Magnus said, somewhat unhelpfully. "As far as I know, inanimate objects can accidentally kill you. So if you were planning on teaching yourself the lambada on a greased platform over a pit full of knives, I wouldn't." "There goes my Saturday."	funny humor lambada mark-of-cain city-of-lost-souls the-mortal-instruments magnus-bane simon-lewis	Cassandra Clare
daca9b4	Never trust people who smile constantly. They're either selling something or not very bright.	funny bad-ass	Laurell K. Hamilton
c68f516	"I have lightning and wind powers," Jason reminded him. "Piper can turn beautiful and charm people into giving her BMWs. You're no more a freak than we are. And, hey, maybe you can fly, too. Like jump off a building and yell 'Flame on!'" Leo snorted. "If I did that, you would see a flaming kid falling to his death, and I would be yelling something a little stronger than 'Flame on!"	funny humor powers the-lost-hero	Rick Riordan
ef525ac	Ah coffee. The sweet balm by which we shall accomplish today's tasks.	funny ironside	Holly Black
ea04228	That sounds terrific, thought Cary, just you, your comatose wife your shell-shocked son, and your daughter who hates your guts. Not to mention that your two kids may be in love with each other. Yeah, that sounds like a perfect family reunion.	funny forbidden-love	Cassandra Clare
c1cddad	Homework is not an option. My bed is sending out serious nap rays. I can't help myself. The fluffy pillows and warm comforter are more powerful than I am. I have no choice but to snuggle under the covers.	funny drowsiness	Laurie Halse Anderson
172f861	Other crack teams get bat boomerangs and wall-climbing powers; we get Aquatruck.	funny truck team	Cassandra Clare
64ce1b7	Ethan Wyeth: I hope you're thirsty.	humour funny stupid	Orson Scott Card
83394bd	"Take off your shirt." Jace raised his eyebrows. "I'm not going to attack you," she said impatiently. "I can take the sight of your naked chest without swooning." "Are you sure?" he asked, obediently sliding the shirt off his shoulders. "Because viewing my naked chest has caused many women to seriously injure themselves stampeding to get to me."	funny humor naked-chest shirt swooning city-of-lost-souls clary-fray the-mortal-instruments jace-lightwood jace-wayland	Cassandra Clare
e516771	When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.	funny humor inspirational goals-in-life wish	Lily Tomlin
fa5d96b	What about a compromise? I'll kill them first, and if it turns out they were friendly, I'll apologize.	funny humor	Rick Riordan
bdaec0c	"I am a Jew. Hath not a Jew eyes? Hath not a Jew hands, organs, dimensions, senses, affections, passions; fed with the same food, hurt with the same weapons, subject to the same diseases, heal'd by the same means, warm'd and cool'd by the same winter and summer, as a Christian is? If you prick us, do we not bleed? If	revenge funny	William Shakespeare
4928991	"How long have you been standing there?" "Just long enough to see you give Daemon the middle finger." "He deserved it."	funny daemon katy	Jennifer L. Armentrout
adfd399	"The Death Eaters can't all be pure-blood, there aren't enough pure-blood wizards left," said Hermione stubbornly. "I expect most of them are half-bloods pretending to be pure. It's only Muggle-borns they hate, they'd be quite happy to let you and Ron join up" "There is no way they'd let me be a Death Eater!" said Ron indignantly...."My whole family are blood traitors! That's as bad as Muggle-borns to Death Eaters!" "And they'd love to have me," said Harry sarcastically. "We'd be best pals if they didn't keep trying to do me in."	funny humor death-eaters muggle-born muggles wizards	J.K. Rowling
5787751	"Your mail could've waited." Daemon followed me into the kitchen. "What is it? Just books?" Grabbing the OJ from the fridge, I sighed. People who didn't heart books didn't understand."	funny	Jennifer L. Armentrout
c52031f	Can the sarcasm,' he said. 'Please, I always use fresh sarcasm, never canned.	funny	Laurell K. Hamilton
5eba938	"And now," Eric yelled into his mircophone, "we're going to sing a new song-one we just wrote. This one's for my girlfriend. We've been going out for three weeks, and, damn, our love is true. We're gonna be together forever, baby. This one's called 'Bang You Like a Drum." --	funny humor love eric teenage-love teen crazy	Cassandra Clare
70634fc	"Daemon pressed his forehead against mine. "Oh, I still want to strangle you. But I'm insane. You're crazy. Maybe that's why. We just make crazy together."	romantic funny	Jennifer L. Armentrout
e4311eb	"I have the feeling we just made a deal with the devil, and he's going to come back and want our first-born child or something." Daemon waggled his brows. "You want kids? Because you know, practice makes--" "Shut up." I shook my head and started walking."	funny katy	Jennifer L. Armentrout
6cfe07f	Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts! Before we begin our banquet, I would like to say a few words. And here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!	funny the-philosopher-s-stone dumbledore	J.K. Rowling
3e50f9d	Instead of committing suicide, people go to work.	funny humor inspirational	Thomas Bernhard
f455d72	"She crouched with her hand out. What the hell was she doing... "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty." Oh my God, she was retarded and I was going to kill Jim."	funny kate	Ilona Andrews
76d013c	"Which way did they go, Peeves?" Filch was saying. "Quick, tell me." "Say 'please.'" "Don't mess with me, Peeves, now where did they go?" "Shan't say nothing if you don't say please," said Peeves in his annoying singsong voice. "All right- PLEASE." "NOTHING! Ha haaa! Told you I wouldn't say nothing if you didn't say please! Ha ha! Haaaaaa!" And they heard the sound of Peeves whooshing away and Filch cursing in rage."	harry-potter funny humor please peeves	J.K. Rowling
49e9a76	"Huh," Leo said. "Well, if you ever get off this island and want a job, let me know. You're not a total klutz." She smirked. "A job, eh?" Making things in your forge?" "Nah, we could start our own shop," Leo said, surprising himself. Starting a machine shop had always been one of his dreams, but he'd never told anyone about it. "Leo and Calypso's Garage: Auto Repair and Mechanical Monsters."	funny humor love leo-valdez	Rick Riordan
c507d83	"You're insane!" she shouted. "Pretty cool, huh?" "No!"Tally yelled. "Why didn't you tell me it was broken?" Shay shrugged. "More fun that way?" "More fun?" Her heart beating fast,her vision strangely clear. She was full of anger and relief and...joy. "Well, kind of. But you suck!"	joy funny coaster roller shay tally relief insane	Scott Westerfeld
9cb3acf	"Isabelle snorted, "All the boys gay. In this truck, anyway. Well, not you, Simon." "You noticed," said Simon. "I think of myself as a freewheeling bisexual," added Magnus. "Please never say those words in front of my parents," said Alec."	funny humor bisexual city-of-lost-souls isabelle-lightwood magnus-bane simon-lewis mortal-instruments cassandra-clare gay	Cassandra Clare
2ad648b	"Everyone thinks you've been kidnapped," he said. "We've been scouring the ship. When Coach Hedge finds out- oh, gods, you've been here all night?" "Frank!" Annabeth's ears were as red as strawberries. "We just came down here to talk. We fell asleep. Accidentally. That's it." "Kissed a couple of times," Percy said. Annabeth glared at him. "Not helping!"	kissing funny humor oh-my-god-percy otp-foreva lol	Rick Riordan
f0b55dc	Tantalus made a wild grab, but the marshmallow committed suicide, diving into the flames.	funny	Rick Riordan
512c4d1	Zebrowski says that if you killed someone else just hide the body, he's not starting over on the paperwork.	funny bad-ass	Laurell K. Hamilton
bc44443	I have to return some videotapes	funny humor bale videotapes bret easton ellis psycho return christian	Bret Easton Ellis
df476ec	She held up her calloused, grimy fingers. Leo couldn't help thinking there was nothing hotter than a girl who didn't mind getting her hands dirty. But of course, that was just a general comment. Didn't apply to Calypso. Obviously.	funny humor love leo-valdez	Rick Riordan
760591e	Oh, there you are, Albus,' he said. 'You've been a very long time. Upset stomach?' 'No, I was merely reading the Muggle magazines,' said Dumbledore. 'I do love knitting patterns.	funny muggles	J.K. Rowling
4c5d29e	"Would you like me to grovel with gratitude for bringing me here, High Lord?" "Ah. The Suriel told you nothing important, did it?" That smile of his sparked something bold in my chest. "He also said that you liked being brushed, and if I'm a clever girl, I might train you with treats." Tamlin tipped his head to the sky and roared with laughter. Despite myself, I let out a quiet laugh. "I might die of surprise," Lucien said behind me. "You made a joke, Feyre." I turned to look at him with a cool smile. "You don't want to know what the Suriel said about you." I flicked my brows up, and Lucien lifted his hands in defeat. "I'd pay good money to hear what the Suriel thinks of Lucien," Tamlin said. A cork popped, followed by the sounds of Lucien chugging the bottle's contents and chuckling with a muttered, "Brushed."	funny tamlin lucien	Sarah J. Maas
e47e312	I didn't want to spoil the mood. This was probably the longest Daemon and I had ever spoken without some statement earning him the finger.	funny katy	Jennifer L. Armentrout
1634557	"Haven't you ever heard of the saying, "If you want to shoot the general, first shoot the horse!"?' --Lin If you wanna shoot the general, then you should just SHOOT THE GENERAL!' --Ed"	funny humor	Hiromu Arakawa
8ddf554	"The wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone." Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop your own, entirely valid, worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must be on my way." --	politics funny humor little-red-riding-hood sexist	James Finn Garner
ccefc0b	Nothing is funnier than unhappiness.	funny endgame unhappiness-nothing	Samuel Beckett
b3ab52e	"Honestly, as much as I love my brother, I'm not sure how I feel about him hanging out in your bedroom." He reached out with a muscular arm and used his fingers to brush a few strands of hair off my cheek, tucking them behind my ear. I shivered, and he smiled. "I feel like I need to mark my territory." "Shut up." "Oh, I love it when you get all bossy-pants. It's sexy."	funny katy	Jennifer L. Armentrout
1f2ece1	One thing I've learned about vampires--they keep pulling new rabbits out of their cloaks. Big, fanged, carnivorous bunnies that'll eat your eyeballs if you're not paying attention.	funny bad-ass	Laurell K. Hamilton
2c901d0	"I mean, we're ninjas." "Well maybe a ninja," I said "You're just a really loud, awkward ninja," Margo said, "but we are both ninjas."	funny ninjas	John Green
49dd997	"I'm not leaving, Kitten. You're going to do this." My mouth opened as did the door behind us. Stomach dropping, I turned to see Mom standing there in all her fuzzy-bunny pajama glory. Oh, for the love of God."	funny bonus-points daemon katy embarrassing	Jennifer L. Armentrout
a5d0799	"I passed out from stress? That's it?" "I believe the princess term is fainted," said Thorne."	funny thorne	Marissa Meyer
11d1d4b	On Friday night, I was reading my new book, but my brain got tired, so I decided to watch some television instead.	television reading funny	Stephen Chbosky
136aac7	Yours in demigodishness, and all that. Peace out!	funny leo-valdez	Rick Riordan
9173706	"What is your advice to young writers?" "Drink, fuck and smoke plenty of cigarettes."	irony sex writing funny humor bukowski smoke alcohol cigarettes authors ironic writing-process drink writers sarcasm	Charles Bukowski
148e7f7	"I'm sure I look like a drowned cat." "You look fine. The wet look works for you." I scowled. "Now I know you're lying."	funny daemon katy	Jennifer L. Armentrout
3caa4fb	You will not kill my girlfriend today, International Terrorists of Ambiguous Nationality!	funny the-fault-in-our-stars	John Green
de94f8f	She was an idiot. An adorable, gorgeous, feisty, funny, sweet, sexy idiot.	humour romance funny	Sarah Mayberry
a92a2ae	Yeah, well. I don't try to be awesome. It just comes natural.	funny gleeson-hedge the-lost-hero	Rick Riordan
8b054c9	La cucaracha, La cucaracha, Ya no puede caminar, porque no tiene, porque le falta, I don't know the rest, la la la la!	funny tuck simone-elkeles perfect-chemistry carlos-fuentes rules-of-attraction	Simone Elkeles
4de0489	"Daemon!" Dee called from the kitchen. "I need your help!" "We should go see what she's doing before she destroys your kitchen." He rubbed his hands down his face. "It's possible."	funny dee katy disaster	Jennifer L. Armentrout
e3ecab7	"Did those nice church ladies come by again?" He nodded. "I asked them if a man died and then the woman remarried, and then the three of them met in heaven, would it be a sin for them to have a threesome, since they were all married in God's eye. And they decided they were late to be somewhere else."	funny awesome ascanio threesome kate-daniels church hilarious	Ilona Andrews
2b7500e	"Tris," he says. "What did they do to you? You're acting like a lunatic." "That's not very nice of you to say," I say. "They put me in a good mood, that's all. And now I really want to kiss you, so if you could just relax-"	funny tobias-and-tris insurgent tobias-eaton four tris veronica-roth	Veronica Roth
e5c645b	Her name badge read: Hello! My name is DIE, DEMIGOD SCUM!	funny humor random name-badge the-son-of-neptune rick-riordan hilarious laugh-out-loud	Rick Riordan
4743e71	Dogs have their day but cats have 365.	dogs funny	Lilian Jackson Braun
f75786e	"Would you like to borrow a pair of my panties to wave around at the next Council meeting to get the point across?" His eyes flashed. "Got any to spare?" I could've picked somebody rational. But no, I had to fall in love with this arrogant idiot. Come to the Keep with me, be my princess. Mourn me when your crazy dad kills me. Yeah, right."	funny love kate	Ilona Andrews
702d33d	"You will not pass!" Roman thundered. Great. Now he had decided he was Gandalf."	funny gandalf gunmetal-magic ilona-andrews roman snarkiness lotr	Ilona Andrews
46ba787	When she absently worried her bottom lip with one of her adorable little fangs, he sighed. The Enemy of Old fucking . Dear gods, it'd finally happened to him. Happiness. Then his own fangs sharpened.I will kill anyone who tries to take this feeling away from me.	funny happiness lothaire immortals-after-dark kresley-cole	Kresley Cole
f588750	"Simon!" Clary shouted, and seized his arm. "What?" Simon looked alarmed. "I'm not really sleeping with your mom, you know. I was just trying to get your attention. Not that your mom isn't a very attractive woman, for her age."	funny simon-lewis mortal-instruments	Cassandra Clare
3ff5e0e	"Yo, beautiful. Come pop this collar off me." Natalya hissed, "Are you mad?" "What's she gonna do? Vivisect me? Imprison me? We've got a pact to fulfill,remember?" To Dorada, she cried, "Seriously, sweetheart, shake that mummified ass over here." Regin kicked the glass. "Lemme the fuck out--" La Dorada swung her head around,peering at Regin with her one eye. "Okay. That's freaky. Lookit, Gollum, if you spring me, I'll help you find your Precious." --	funny humor regin kresley-cole gollum	Kresley Cole
ea80866	"It was an emergency!" Seth blurted. "Read my lips - emergency reading - not some demented idea of fun. If I was starving, I would eat asparagus. If somebody held a gun to my head, I would watch a soap opera. And to save Fablehaven, I would read a book, okay, are you happy?"	reading funny seth fablehaven mull	Brandon Mull
4febd3e	"Wait a second," Clary said. "I never understand why people say that," Luke said, to no one in particular. "I wasn't going anywhere."	funny luke-garroway city-of-bones clary-fray the-mortal-instruments	Cassandra Clare
ce01ac4	Gods, I love it when you talk mathy to me.	funny flirty	Kresley Cole
e5ee4bb	She came awake, stomach rumbling, and opened her eyes to see a plate being held right under her nose. When she reached for it, Shane snatched it back. 'Nuh-uh. Mine.' 'Share!' she demanded. 'Man, you are one grabby girlfriend.' She grinned. It always made her feel so fiercly warm inside to hear him say that- the girlfriend part, not the grabby part. 'If you love me, you'll give me a taco.' 'Seriously? That's all you got? What about you'll do sexy, illegal things to me for a taco?' 'Not for a taco,' she said. 'I'm not cheap.' 'They're brisket tacos.' 'Now you're talking.	funny humor tacos morganville-vampires shane-collins	Rachel Caine
5c57591	You'll blow up a helicopter, but you won't go out with me? What is with you?	relationships funny jess-mastriani rob-wilkins when-lightning-strikes	Meg Cabot
dc09b05	"The cord pulled taut and she rebounded, flying back up before falling again. As her velocity slowed, she opened her eyes and found herself dangling at the end of the cord, about five feet above Jace. He was grinning. "Nice," he said. "As graceful as a falling snowflake." "Was I screaming?" She asked, genuinely curious. "You know, on the way down." He nodded. "Thankfully no one's home, or they would have assumed I was murdering you." "Ha. You can't even reach me." She kicked out a leg and spun lazily in midair. Jace's eyes glinted. "Want to bet?" Clary knew that expression. "No," she said quickly. "Whatever you're going to do-" But he'd already done it. When Jace moved fast, his individual movements were almost invisible. She saw his hand go to his belt, and then something flashed in the air. She heard the sound of parting fabric as the cord above her head was sheared through. Released, she fell freely, too surprised to scream- directly into Jace's arms. The force knocked him backward, and they sprawled together onto one of the padded floor mats, Clary on top of him. He grinned up at her. "Now," he said, "that was much better. You didn't scream at all." "I didn't get the chance." She was breathless, and not just from the impact of the fall. Being sprawled on top of Jace, feeling his body against hers, made her hands shake and her heart beat faster."	romance funny humor love city-of-fallen-angels clary-fray the-mortal-instruments jace-wayland sweet	Cassandra Clare
e167c6b	Boredom can be a lethal thing on a small island.	funny inspirational boredom crazy	Christopher Moore
8ee8d4b	"A snap of Rhys's fingers, and my nightclothes--and some flimsy underthings--appeared on the bed. "I couldn't decide which scrap of lace I wanted you to wear, so I brought you a few to choose from." "Pig," I barked"	funny rhysand flirting	Sarah J. Maas
8af6c58	"How are you feeling?" I leaned away from him. "Gross." Aiden frowned. "Gross?" "I haven't brushed my teeth or washed my face in days. Don't come near me." He laughed. "Alex, come on." "Seriously, I'm gross." I put my hand over my mouth. Ignoring my protests, he leaned over and brushed my string hair back. "You're as beautiful as always, Alex." I stared at him. He must not get out much."	funny humor alex sarcasm	Jennifer L. Armentrout
57d2bb9	Believe me, It would be better if we didn't meet again. Go back to school. Go back to your life. And next time they ask you, say no. Killing is for grown-ups and you're still a child.	killing funny humor inspirational incentive interesting kind different	Anthony Horowitz
11adbaf	"Though Alec had never seen the occupants of the first floor loft, they seemed to be engaged in a tempestuous romance. Once there had been a bunch of someone's belongings strewn all over the landing with a note attached to a jacket lapel addressed to "A lying liar who lies." Right now there was a bouquet of flowers taped to the door with a card tucked among the blooms that read I'M SORRY. That was the thing about New York: you always knew more about your neighbors' business than you wanted to."	funny humor neighbors romance-relationship city-of-lost-souls the-mortal-instruments apartment cassandra-clare new-york	Cassandra Clare
77802c0	"He's not doing anything he shouldn't be doing, right?" "Like what?" "Like hitting on you." "Ew. No, of course not. He doesn't see me that way." Michael shook his head and went back to his coffee. "What? You think he does?" "Sometimes he looks at you a little... oddly, that's all. Maybe you're right. Maybe he just wants you for your blood." "Again, Ew! What's with you this morning?" "Not enough coffee."	funny humor myrnin michael-glass ghost-town morganville-vampires rachel-caine shane-collins teacher vampire vampires	Rachel Caine
62e921d	"You humans, always eating. I'll make you soup. You can eat it while you keep working." Myrnin set aside his book and walked into the back of the lab. "Don't use the same beaker you used for poisons!" Claire yelled after him. He waved a pale hand. "I mean it!"	funny humor the-morganville-vampires myrnin ghost-town rachel-caine vampires	Rachel Caine
29a4dce	"The dark prince sat astride his black steed, his sable cape flowing behind him. A golden circlet bound his blond locks, his handsome face was cold with the rage of battle, and... "And his arm looked like an eggplant," Clary muttered to herself in exasperation."	funny simon-lewis mortal-instruments	Cassandra Clare
d39cd61	"The door buzzer sounded again. The two boys exchanged a single look before both bolting down the narrow hallway to the door. Jordan got there first. He grabbed for the coatrack that stood by the door, ripped the coats off it, and flung the door wide, the rack held aboe his head like a javelin. On the other side of the door was Jace. He blinked. "Is that a coatrack?" Jordan slammed the coatrack down on the ground and sighed. "If you'd been a vampire, this would have been a lot more useful." "Yes," said Jace. "Or, you know, just someone with a lot of coats."	funny humor coatrack coats jordan-kyle city-of-fallen-angels the-mortal-instruments jace-lightwood jace-wayland simon-lewis	Cassandra Clare
215dc3c	May the fleas of a thousand camels invade the crotch of the person that ruins your day. And may their arms be to short too scratch	revenge happy humour strife funny humor inspirational amusing malediction anger	Keisha Keenleyside
9ad91bc	The Friday before winter break, my mom packed me an overnight bag and a few deadly weapons and took me to a new boarding school.	fiction funny fantasy intense	Rick Riordan
487791d	St. Clair gets a crush on Anna. He's torn between her and Ellie, and he spends so much time running between them that he hardly has time left for Josh. And the more time that Josh spends alone, the more he realizes how alone he actually is. All of his friends will be gone the next year. Josh grows increasingly antagonistic toward school, which makes Rashmi increasingly antagonistic toward him, which makes him increasingly antagonistic toward her. And she's upset because Elie dropped her as a friend, and Meredith is upset because now St. Clair likes two girls who aren't her, and Anna is upset because St. Clair is leading her on, and then St. Clair's mom gets cancer. It's a freaking soap opera.	funny isla	Stephanie Perkins
313a1ba	"Dee loves it here. Before you came, she spent most of her days here." To Daemon, my arrival was the beginning of the end. The apocalypse. Kat-mageddon. "You know, I'm not going to get your sister in trouble." "We'll see."	funny daemon katy	Jennifer L. Armentrout
2906d18	If you have ever seen a dragon in a pinch, you will realize that this was only poetical exaggeration applied to any hobbit, even to Old Took's great-grand-uncle Bullroarer, who was so huge (for a hobbit) that he could ride a horse. He charged the ranks of the goblins of Mount Gram in the Battle of the Green Fields, and knocked their king Golfimbul's head clean off with a wooden club. It sailed a hundred yards through the air and went down a rabbit-hole, and in this way the battle was won and the game of Golf invented at the same moment.	funny humor invention-of-golf hobbits	J.R.R. Tolkien
1796a5e	"Myrnin, who hadn't said much, suddenly reached out and wrapped his arms around her. She stiffened, shocked, and for a panicked second wondered whether he'd suddenly decided to snack on her neck... but it was just a hug. His body felt cold against hers, and way too close, but then he let go and stepped back. "You've done very well. I'm extremely proud of you," he said. There was a touch of color high in his pale cheeks. "Do go home now. And shower. You reek like the dead." Which, coming from a vampire, was pretty rich."	funny humor myrnin ghost-town morganville-vampires rachel-caine vampire vampires	Rachel Caine
f03e470	It's so trendy, almost bleeding to death. All the cool girls are doing it.	funny ed-fargo cool fearless	Francine Pascal
1b3013e	"You okay?" "Fine." "Your heart's beating really fast." "Gee, thanks. That's very comforting that you can hear it." He smiled, and it was the old Michael, the one she'd first met before all the vamp stuff. "Yeah, I know it is. Sorry. Just stay behind me if there's trouble." "You sound like Shane." "Well, he did say he'd kill me if I got you hurt. I'm just looking after my own neck." "Liar."	funny humor eve-rosser michael-glass ghost-town morganville-vampires rachel-caine shane-collins teacher vampires	Rachel Caine
e264f40	"Are you two you know?" Jacob pointed at us. " " I didn't get a chance to answer. Cam spun me around and kissed me, right there between the two buildings. It was no friendly peck on the lips. When our tongues touched, my bag slipped off my arm and hit the frosted ground. "Holy crap," Jacob muttered. "I think they're going to make babies."	funny jacob-massen j-lynn jennifer-l-armentrout wait-for-you cam jacob lol	Jennifer L. Armentrout
d292431	"What did you tell them?" "I don't recall. I think I mentioned your discipline and ability to follow orders. I may have said something about you being a team player." Derek emitted a strangled cough. "Why?" I demanded. "It seemed like a good idea at the time." Curran resumed hammering. "I'm sorry," I said into the phone, sticking me finger into my other ear so I could hear. "His Majesty tends to exaggerate things. I'm not a team player. I'm undisciplined and I have a problem with authority. Also, the Beast Lord can't hammer for shit." On the roof Derek was laughing his head off."	funny roof derek kate-daniels	Ilona Andrews
87200e6	"Did I ever tell you the difference between a Northern fairy tale and a Southern one?" she asked him, indulging herself and letting her head rest on his shoulder. God, he felt good. Her man. Where her head was meant to lie, right there, on him. "What's the difference?" "A Northern one starts 'once upon a time,' while a Southern one starts 'y'all ain't going to believe this shit."	fairy-tales funny	Erin McCarthy
6ba249e	"She can go with us to the lab and keep Myrnin pinned down while we pull the plug, if he's not... you know, better." "Define BETTER with that guy." "Not all fangs and raaaaar."	funny humor myrnin michael-glass ghost-town morganville-vampires rachel-caine shane-collins teacher vampire vampires	Rachel Caine
9d4476b	"He said "cool" like I say a Spanish word when I'm not sure of the pronunciation."	spanish funny language	Kelley Armstrong
befe081	"Here," Myrnin said, his voice still gentle and low. "Amelie said you had to work. No one said you had to work alone." He picked up the next part and slotted it in, took the screwdriver from Claire's numbed fingers, and fastened it with a couple of deft, fast movements. "I'll be your hands." She wanted to cry, because it was so sweet, but it wouldn't do any good."	funny humor myrnin ghost-town morganville-vampires rachel-caine vampire vampires	Rachel Caine
ef7815d	Yes, because a vampire slumber party is the pinnacle of safety conscious behavior.	funny sarcastic	Stephenie Meyer
20dbb19	"Myrnin turned away to pick up his Ben Franklin spectacles, balanced them on his nose, and looked over them to say, "Don't do drugs. I feel I ought to say that."	funny humor myrnin ghost-town morganville-vampires rachel-caine vampire vampires	Rachel Caine
7769947	"Me neither," Shane put in. "Homie don't play that." "I wonder, sometimes, if your generation speaks English at all," Amelie said."	funny morganville-vampires shane-collins language	Rachel Caine
43d477b	Honestly, Clary, if you don't start utilizing a bit of your natural feminine superiority I just don't know what I'll do with you.	funny isabelle	Cassandra Clare
96c53c9	"He flipped himself onto his side and kissed me. "You're so hot," I said, my hand still on his leg. "I'm starting to think you have an amputee fetish," he answered, still kissing me. I laughed. "I have an Augustus Waters fetish," I explained."	funny hazel-grace-lancaster	John Green
4dcb946	"I only snatched him to get your attention," I said. "Now that I've got it, this is what I want." "Damn my dame!" Al shouted, hands raised to the ceiling. "I knew it! Not another list!"	funny rachel	Kim Harrison
e14dc4c	"She made an impatient noise. "By the Angel, you don't know anything about your kid, do you? Do you even really know how vampires are made?" "Well, when a mommy vampire and a daddy vampire love each other very much ... "	funny humor city-of-fallen-angels the-mortal-instruments isabelle-lightwood simon-lewis vampire	Cassandra Clare
10d9211	I sat on the bed. Neither of us said anything. I wasn't slick and sophisticated enough for this. What do you say to boyfriend A when he finds you naked in the bed of boyfriend B? Especially if boyfriend A turned into a monster the night before and ate someone. I bet Miss Manners didn't cover this at all.	sex funny miss-manners polyamory	Laurell K. Hamilton
07d1cda	"Oliver laughed - actually laughed."I like this new Claire," he said. "You should work her this hard all the time, Myrnin. She's interesting when she's forthright." Claire, possessed by the spirit of Eve, shot him the finger. Which made him laugh again, shake his head, and walk up the steps."	funny humor ghost-town morganville-vampires rachel-caine oliver vampires	Rachel Caine
dd01a62	Be careful you don't cut yourself. The edges are sharp enough to shave with.' 'Girls don't shave', Arya said. 'Maybe they should. Have you ever seen the septa's legs?	funny sharp shave arya-stark george-r-r-martin jon-snow a-song-of-ice-and-fire sword cutting	George R.R. Martin
c736085	Fifteen men on the Dead Man's Chest Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum! Drink and the devil had done for the rest Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum!	funny	Robert Louis Stevenson
b14de94	"She handed him a glass of water and two Aleve gelcaps. "They're anti-inflammatories. They will dull the pain a little bit and keep down swelling and redness. Swallow the pills, don't chew." "Well, I thought I'd stick them into my nose and impersonate a walrus, but if you insist, I'll swallow them."	funny rose medicine	Ilona Andrews
14da37f	girls please give your bodies and your lives to the young men who deserve them besides there is no way I would welcome the intolerable dull senseless hell you would bring me and I wish you luck in bed and out but not in mine thank you.	irony poem poetry women funny death life love bukowski dull girls misogyny rejection sexuality hell	Charles Bukowski
514e08c	If per capita was a problem, decapita could be arranged	funny reaper-man unseen-university vetinari	Terry Pratchett
2e9fb94	The uniform enhanced his athletic body, and my thoughts drifted to how magnificent he would look with his uniform puddled around his feet.	funny uniform	Maria V. Snyder
3e48d5d	I hate witches. Humans had the right idea, burning them at the stake.	witches funny true-blood sookie-stackhouse	Charlaine Harris
cea1602	"Otis," I said. "Shhh," he said. "I'm incognito. Call me...Otis." "I'm not sure that's how incognito works, but okay." Otis, aka Otis climbed into the chair I'd reserved for Sam."	humorous humour funny humor humorous-quoations humorous-quotes	Rick Riordan
658f73e	"As I climbed up into the high old bed, the large fly in my personal ointment did the same. Had I actually told him he could get in bed with me? Well, I decided, as I wriggled down under the soft old sheets and the blanket and the comforter, if Eric had designs on me, I was just too tired to care. "Woman?" "Hmmm?" "What's your name?" "Sookie. Sookie Stackhouse." "Thank you, Sookie." "Welcome, Eric."	funny true-blood sookie-stackhouse	Charlaine Harris
c76038c	"In the Old Language, she hissed, "If any harm shall befall him, I will come after you, and find you where you sleep. I do not care where you lay your head or who with, my vengeance shall rain upon you until you drown." That last word was drawn out, until its syllable was lost in more growling. Dead silence. Until Doc Jane said dryly, "Annnnd this is why they say the female of the species is more dangerous than the male."	funny layla qhuinn	J.R. Ward
90b03c9	"Promise me, Amelie, that you'll crucify me with silver before you allow me to fall in love." "I hardly think there's any chance of that," Amelie said. "I doubt you have the capacity."	funny humor eve-rosser myrnin michael-glass ghost-town morganville-vampires rachel-caine shane-collins teacher vampire vampires	Rachel Caine
6b2d2cf	You know, you're rather amusingly wrong.	irony humorous funny humor witty-quotes satire wit	Terry Pratchett
7f82f77	If you're listening to this, congratulations! You survived Doomsday. I'd like to apologize straightaway for any inconvenience the end of the world may have caused you. The earthquakes, rebellions, riots,tornadoes, floods, tsunamis, and of course the giant snake who swallowed the sun--I'm afraid most of that was our fault. Carter and I decided we should at least explain how it happened.	humour funny giant-snake ra tsunamis riordan tornado rebellious riots serpent floods earthquakes survive sun snake funny-and-random sadie-kane destruction	Rick Riordan
210dac8	"So," sneered Fudge, recovering himself, "you intend to take on Dawlish, Shacklebolt, Dolores, and myself single-handed, do you, Dumbledore?" "Merlin's beard, no," said Dumbledore, smiling. "Not unless you are foolish enough to force me to." "He will not be single-handed!" said Professor McGonagall loudly, plunging her hand inside her robes. "Oh yes he will, Minerva!" said Dumbledore sharply. "Hogwarts needs you!" --	funny third-person fudge mcgonagall	J.K. Rowling
d98ad3f	"My darling, you are indisposed! You must remain abed for the next eight months. Little Buford - " "I am NOT naming our child Buford..."	funny clockwork-prince child	Cassandra Clare
cbb9ddc	"Uh... ," Ivy stammered, and I glanced up to see her eyes wide in consideration. "I'm kidding," I said. "It passed the lethal-amulet test, remember?" "Not that. You keep it in your underwear drawer?" I hesitated, wondering why I was embarrassed. "Well, where do you put your elven magic?" I asked." --	funny elven-charm ivy rachel	Kim Harrison
a6941b5	"Bite me, Goth princess," Shane called from the back. "Not literally or anything." "Maybe you should say that to Michael." "Not funny, Eve," Michael said. Eve raised her eyebrows and held her fingers up, measuring off about an inch. "Little bit," she said."	funny humor eve-rosser myrnin michael-glass ghost-town morganville-vampires rachel-caine shane-collins teacher vampire vampires	Rachel Caine
09828f4	"This cat is looking at me with judgment.""He's not," said Jules. "That's just his face.""You look at me the same way," Mark said, glancing at Julian. "Judgy face."	funny church-the-cat jules-blackthorn tda james-carstairs mark-blackthorn lady-midnight jem-carstairs the-dark-artifices emma-carstairs jemma julian-blackthorn judgment	Cassandra Clare
d0d5288	A totally nondenominational prayer: Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care what I say, I ask, if it matters, that I be forgiven for anything I may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness. Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else may be required to insure any possible benefit for which I may be eligible after the destruction of my body, I ask that this, whatever it may be, be granted or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to insure said benefit. I ask this in my capacity as your elected intermediary between yourself and that which may not be yourself, but which may have an interest in the matter of your receiving as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and which may in some way be influenced by this ceremony. Amen.	prayer funny religion humor agnosticism bureaucracy mythology parody	Roger Zelazny
0a2892c	"He's not that smart." "She's right," Augustus says. "It's just that most really good-looking people are stupid, so I exceed expectations." "Right, it's primarily his hotness." "It can be sort of blinding," he said. "It actually did blind our friend Isaac." "Terrible tragedy, that. But can I help my own deadly beauty?" "You cannot." "It is my burden, this beautiful face." "Not to mention your body." "Seriously, don't even get me started on my hot bod. You don't want to see me naked, Dave. Seeing me naked actually took Hazel Grace's breath away," he said, nodding toward the oxygen tank."	funny tfios	John Green
0919b9f	"Come on," I said, taking his hand. Clutching the afghan with the other hand, he trailed down the hall after me, a snow white giant in tiny red underwear."	funny true-blood sookie-stackhouse	Charlaine Harris
13202cc	My parents didn't raise me to be religious. The closest we come to worship is the Trinity of Visa, Mastercard, and American Express. I think the Merryweather cheerleaders confuse me because I missed out on Sunday School. It has to be a miracle. There is no other explanation. How else could they sleep with the football team on Saturday night and be reincarnated as virginal goddesses on Monday?	funny	Laurie Halse Anderson
decb846	"You know, I don't get why Fred and George only got three O.W.L.s each," said Harry, watching as Fred, George, and Lee collected gold from the eager crowd. "They really know their stuff. . . ." "Oh, they only know flashy stuff that's no real use to anyone," said Hermione disparagingly. "No real use?" said Ron in a strained voice. "Hermione, they've got about twenty-six Galleons already. . . ." --	funny useless-talents george-weasley	J.K. Rowling
61fd818	Boy, you knock on the devil's door and he will head slam you through the wall.	funny	Sherrilyn Kenyon
95982db	Because he sounded so lost-the Eric I knew had never been one to do anything other than assume others should serve him-I patted around under the covers for his hand. When I found it, I slid my own over it. His palm was turned up to meet my palm, and his fingers clasped mine. And though I would not have thought it possible to go to sleep holding hands with a vampire, that's exactly what I did.	funny true-blood sookie-stackhouse	Charlaine Harris
66bc884	"Never try to understand the students. They hate it. They would much rather be tragically misunderstood, wallow in self-pity, stew in their own --" "That's enough, Phineas," said Dumbledore."	funny headmasters phineas-nigellus principals students	J.K. Rowling
78ae35f	"I'm healthy as an ox. And you?" "To compare myself with a bovine would be both ridiculous and insulting, but I'm fit as ever, if that is what you are asking."	funny saphira	Christopher Paolini
77ec867	There had to be a circle of Hell where you were eternally fourteen, eternally in junior high. One of the lower circles.	funny	Laurell K. Hamilton
e40aa88	"Simon turned to Jordan, who was lying down across the futon, his head propped against one of the woven throw pillows. "How much of that did you hear?" "Enough to gather that we're going to a party tonight," said Jordan. "I heard about the Ironworks event. I'm not in the Garroway pack, so I wasn't invited." "I guess you're coming as my date now." Simon shoved the phone back into his pocket. "I'm secure enough in my masculinity to accept that," said Jordan. "We'd better get you something nice to wear, though," he called as Simon headed back into his room. "I want you to look pretty."	funny humor ironworks jordan-kyle city-of-fallen-angels the-mortal-instruments simon-lewis date masculinity	Cassandra Clare
d13782a	What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally shit myself lifeless.	true funny camping hiking camp bear shit attack trail	Bill Bryson
0d5152f	"He started to touch the mechanism under the keyboard, then pulled his hand back with a snap. "Ah," he said. "Must deactivate the security....Turn around, please." "What?" "Turn around, Claire. It's a secure password!" "You have GOT to be kidding." "Why ever would I joke about that? Please turn."	funny humor myrnin ghost-town morganville-vampires rachel-caine vampire vampires	Rachel Caine
b66c8ae	"I can't go to Amsterdam. One of my doctors thinks it's a bad idea." He was quiet for a second. "God," he said. "I should've just paid for it myself. Should've just taken you straight from the Funky Bones to Amsterdam." "But then I would've had a probably fatal episode of deoxygenation in Amsterdam, and my body would have been shipped home in the cargo hold of an airplane," I said. "Well, yeah," he said. "But before that, my grand romantic gesture would have totally gotten me laid." I laughed pretty hard, hard enought that I felt where the chest tube had been. "You laugh because it's true," he said. I laughed again. "It's true, isn't it!" "Probably not," I said, and then after a moment added, "although you never know."	funny hazel-grace-lancaster	John Green
ba0312e	"..."vers libre," (free verse) or nine-tenths of it, is not a new metre any more than sleeping in a ditch is a new school of architecture."	poetry funny free-verse free-verse-poetry funny-but-true	G.K. Chesterton
240ad47	"But Amy," Elder says. "Space suits!"	funny	Beth Revis

They love their hair because they're not smart enough to love something more interesting.

John Green

cfa6c4b

"I cannot go to school today" Said little Peggy Ann McKay. "I have the measles and the mumps, A gash, a rash and purple bumps. My mouth is wet, my throat is dry. I'm going blind in my right eye. My tonsils are as big as rocks, I've counted sixteen chicken pox. And there's one more - that's seventeen, And don't you think my face looks green? My leg is cut, my eyes are blue, It might be the instamatic flu. I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke, I'm sure that my left leg is broke. My hip hurts when I move my chin, My belly button's caving in. My back is wrenched, my ankle's sprained, My 'pendix pains each time it rains. My toes are cold, my toes are numb, I have a sliver in my thumb. My neck is stiff, my voice is weak, I hardly whisper when I speak. My tongue is filling up my mouth, I think my hair is falling out. My elbow's bent, my spine ain't straight, My temperature is one-o-eight. My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear, There's a hole inside my ear. I have a hangnail, and my heart is ... What? What's that? What's that you say?

poem funny

Shel Silverstein

0ff945a

I've been fighting to be who I am all my life. What's the point of being who I am, if I can't have the person who was worth all the fighting for?

lover humour relationships romance funny spiritual love inspirational wife husband fighting sweet

Stephanie Lennox

a0d8323

"Can you surf really well, then?" I looked at Grover, who was trying hard not to laugh.

myth funny humor posiedon the-lightning-thief olympians athena zeus percy-jackson mythology

Rick Riordan

8e74265

"Can you be a girl for a few seconds?" "I'm always a girl" I frown. "You know what I mean. Like a silly, annoying girl" I twirl my hair around my finger. "Kay."

funny humor divergent tris veronica-roth

Veronica Roth

669832a

But Dumbledore says he doesn't care what they do as long as they don't take him off the Chocolate Frog cards.

funny dumbledore fame

J.K. Rowling

baf9c33

Do you want a cookie? - What? - A cookie. Like an Oreo. Do you want one? - No. - How can you not want a cookie? - I just don't. - Okay, fine,let's say you did want a cookie. Let's say you were dying for a cookie, and there were cookies in the cupboard. What would you do? - I'd eat a cookie? - Exactly. That's all I'm saying. - What are you saying? - That if people want cookies, they should get a cookie. It's what people do. - Let me guess. Dad won't let you have a cookie? - No. Even though I'm practically starving to death, he won't even consider it. He says I have to have a sandwich first. - And you don't think that's fair. - You just said you'd get a cookie if you wanted one. So why can't I? I'm not a little kid. I can make my own decisions. - Hmm. I can see why this bothers you so much. - It's not fair. If he wants a cookie, he can have one. If you want a cookie, you can have one. But if I want a cookie, the rules don't count. Like you said, it's not fair. - So what are you going to do? - I'm going to eat a sandwich. Because I have to. Because the world isn't fair to ten-year-olds.

funny

Nicholas Sparks

245f7c0

Don't gobblefunk around with words.

words funny

Roald Dahl

a85fa4f

"aren't you, uh... reproducing? "sure, we love reproducing it's one of our favorite things."

funny

Cassandra Clare

082f3ad

"Inconceivable!" "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."

funny humor movie princess

William Goldman

ef86b23

Why it's simply impassible! Alice: Why, don't you mean impossible? Door: No, I do mean impassible. Nothing's impossible!

funny humor alice-in-wonderland door wordplay

Lewis Carroll

9404e35

A Penny Saved is a Penny Earned

money funny inspirational

Benjamin Franklin

3854059

"I've got the Mark of Cain," said Simon. "That means nothing can kill me, right?" "You can kill yourself," Magnus said, somewhat unhelpfully. "As far as I know, inanimate objects can accidentally kill you. So if you were planning on teaching yourself the lambada on a greased platform over a pit full of knives, I wouldn't." "There goes my Saturday."

funny humor lambada mark-of-cain city-of-lost-souls the-mortal-instruments magnus-bane simon-lewis

Cassandra Clare

daca9b4

Never trust people who smile constantly. They're either selling something or not very bright.

funny bad-ass

Laurell K. Hamilton

c68f516

"I have lightning and wind powers," Jason reminded him. "Piper can turn beautiful and charm people into giving her BMWs. You're no more a freak than we are. And, hey, maybe you can fly, too. Like jump off a building and yell 'Flame on!'" Leo snorted. "If I did that, you would see a flaming kid falling to his death, and I would be yelling something a little stronger than 'Flame on!"

funny humor powers the-lost-hero

Rick Riordan

ef525ac

Ah coffee. The sweet balm by which we shall accomplish today's tasks.

funny ironside

Holly Black

ea04228

That sounds terrific, thought Cary, just you, your comatose wife your shell-shocked son, and your daughter who hates your guts. Not to mention that your two kids may be in love with each other. Yeah, that sounds like a perfect family reunion.

funny forbidden-love

Cassandra Clare

c1cddad

Homework is not an option. My bed is sending out serious nap rays. I can't help myself. The fluffy pillows and warm comforter are more powerful than I am. I have no choice but to snuggle under the covers.

funny drowsiness

Laurie Halse Anderson

172f861

Other crack teams get bat boomerangs and wall-climbing powers; we get Aquatruck.

funny truck team

Cassandra Clare

64ce1b7

Ethan Wyeth: I hope you're thirsty.

humour funny stupid

Orson Scott Card

83394bd

"Take off your shirt." Jace raised his eyebrows. "I'm not going to attack you," she said impatiently. "I can take the sight of your naked chest without swooning." "Are you sure?" he asked, obediently sliding the shirt off his shoulders. "Because viewing my naked chest has caused many women to seriously injure themselves stampeding to get to me."

funny humor naked-chest shirt swooning city-of-lost-souls clary-fray the-mortal-instruments jace-lightwood jace-wayland

Cassandra Clare

e516771

When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.

funny humor inspirational goals-in-life wish

Lily Tomlin

fa5d96b

What about a compromise? I'll kill them first, and if it turns out they were friendly, I'll apologize.

funny humor

Rick Riordan

bdaec0c

"I am a Jew. Hath not a Jew eyes? Hath not a Jew hands, organs, dimensions, senses, affections, passions; fed with the same food, hurt with the same weapons, subject to the same diseases, heal'd by the same means, warm'd and cool'd by the same winter and summer, as a Christian is? If you prick us, do we not bleed? If

revenge funny

William Shakespeare

4928991

"How long have you been standing there?" "Just long enough to see you give Daemon the middle finger." "He deserved it."

funny daemon katy

Jennifer L. Armentrout

adfd399

"The Death Eaters can't all be pure-blood, there aren't enough pure-blood wizards left," said Hermione stubbornly. "I expect most of them are half-bloods pretending to be pure. It's only Muggle-borns they hate, they'd be quite happy to let you and Ron join up" "There is no way they'd let me be a Death Eater!" said Ron indignantly...."My whole family are blood traitors! That's as bad as Muggle-borns to Death Eaters!" "And they'd love to have me," said Harry sarcastically. "We'd be best pals if they didn't keep trying to do me in."

funny humor death-eaters muggle-born muggles wizards

J.K. Rowling

5787751

"Your mail could've waited." Daemon followed me into the kitchen. "What is it? Just books?" Grabbing the OJ from the fridge, I sighed. People who didn't heart books didn't understand."

funny

Jennifer L. Armentrout

c52031f

Can the sarcasm,' he said. 'Please, I always use fresh sarcasm, never canned.

funny

Laurell K. Hamilton

5eba938

"And now," Eric yelled into his mircophone, "we're going to sing a new song-one we just wrote. This one's for my girlfriend. We've been going out for three weeks, and, damn, our love is true. We're gonna be together forever, baby. This one's called 'Bang You Like a Drum." --

funny humor love eric teenage-love teen crazy

Cassandra Clare

70634fc

"Daemon pressed his forehead against mine. "Oh, I still want to strangle you. But I'm insane. You're crazy. Maybe that's why. We just make crazy together."

romantic funny

Jennifer L. Armentrout

e4311eb

"I have the feeling we just made a deal with the devil, and he's going to come back and want our first-born child or something." Daemon waggled his brows. "You want kids? Because you know, practice makes--" "Shut up." I shook my head and started walking."

funny katy

Jennifer L. Armentrout

6cfe07f

Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts! Before we begin our banquet, I would like to say a few words. And here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!

funny the-philosopher-s-stone dumbledore

J.K. Rowling

3e50f9d

Instead of committing suicide, people go to work.

funny humor inspirational

Thomas Bernhard

f455d72

"She crouched with her hand out. What the hell was she doing... "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty." Oh my God, she was retarded and I was going to kill Jim."

funny kate

Ilona Andrews

76d013c

"Which way did they go, Peeves?" Filch was saying. "Quick, tell me." "Say 'please.'" "Don't mess with me, Peeves, now where did they go?" "Shan't say nothing if you don't say please," said Peeves in his annoying singsong voice. "All right- PLEASE." "NOTHING! Ha haaa! Told you I wouldn't say nothing if you didn't say please! Ha ha! Haaaaaa!" And they heard the sound of Peeves whooshing away and Filch cursing in rage."

harry-potter funny humor please peeves

J.K. Rowling

49e9a76

"Huh," Leo said. "Well, if you ever get off this island and want a job, let me know. You're not a total klutz." She smirked. "A job, eh?" Making things in your forge?" "Nah, we could start our own shop," Leo said, surprising himself. Starting a machine shop had always been one of his dreams, but he'd never told anyone about it. "Leo and Calypso's Garage: Auto Repair and Mechanical Monsters."

funny humor love leo-valdez

Rick Riordan

c507d83

"You're insane!" she shouted. "Pretty cool, huh?" "No!"Tally yelled. "Why didn't you tell me it was broken?" Shay shrugged. "More fun that way?" "More fun?" Her heart beating fast,her vision strangely clear. She was full of anger and relief and...joy. "Well, kind of. But you suck!"

joy funny coaster roller shay tally relief insane

Scott Westerfeld

9cb3acf

"Isabelle snorted, "All the boys gay. In this truck, anyway. Well, not you, Simon." "You noticed," said Simon. "I think of myself as a freewheeling bisexual," added Magnus. "Please never say those words in front of my parents," said Alec."

funny humor bisexual city-of-lost-souls isabelle-lightwood magnus-bane simon-lewis mortal-instruments cassandra-clare gay

Cassandra Clare

2ad648b

"Everyone thinks you've been kidnapped," he said. "We've been scouring the ship. When Coach Hedge finds out- oh, gods, you've been here all night?" "Frank!" Annabeth's ears were as red as strawberries. "We just came down here to talk. We fell asleep. Accidentally. That's it." "Kissed a couple of times," Percy said. Annabeth glared at him. "Not helping!"

kissing funny humor oh-my-god-percy otp-foreva lol

Rick Riordan

f0b55dc

Tantalus made a wild grab, but the marshmallow committed suicide, diving into the flames.

funny

Rick Riordan

512c4d1

Zebrowski says that if you killed someone else just hide the body, he's not starting over on the paperwork.

funny bad-ass

Laurell K. Hamilton

bc44443

I have to return some videotapes

funny humor bale videotapes bret easton ellis psycho return christian

Bret Easton Ellis

df476ec

She held up her calloused, grimy fingers. Leo couldn't help thinking there was nothing hotter than a girl who didn't mind getting her hands dirty. But of course, that was just a general comment. Didn't apply to Calypso. Obviously.

funny humor love leo-valdez

Rick Riordan

760591e

Oh, there you are, Albus,' he said. 'You've been a very long time. Upset stomach?' 'No, I was merely reading the Muggle magazines,' said Dumbledore. 'I do love knitting patterns.

funny muggles

J.K. Rowling

4c5d29e

"Would you like me to grovel with gratitude for bringing me here, High Lord?" "Ah. The Suriel told you nothing important, did it?" That smile of his sparked something bold in my chest. "He also said that you liked being brushed, and if I'm a clever girl, I might train you with treats." Tamlin tipped his head to the sky and roared with laughter. Despite myself, I let out a quiet laugh. "I might die of surprise," Lucien said behind me. "You made a joke, Feyre." I turned to look at him with a cool smile. "You don't want to know what the Suriel said about you." I flicked my brows up, and Lucien lifted his hands in defeat. "I'd pay good money to hear what the Suriel thinks of Lucien," Tamlin said. A cork popped, followed by the sounds of Lucien chugging the bottle's contents and chuckling with a muttered, "Brushed."

funny tamlin lucien

Sarah J. Maas

e47e312

I didn't want to spoil the mood. This was probably the longest Daemon and I had ever spoken without some statement earning him the finger.

funny katy

Jennifer L. Armentrout

1634557

"Haven't you ever heard of the saying, "If you want to shoot the general, first shoot the horse!"?' --Lin If you wanna shoot the general, then you should just SHOOT THE GENERAL!' --Ed"

funny humor

Hiromu Arakawa

8ddf554

"The wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone." Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop your own, entirely valid, worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must be on my way." --

politics funny humor little-red-riding-hood sexist

James Finn Garner

ccefc0b

Nothing is funnier than unhappiness.

funny endgame unhappiness-nothing

Samuel Beckett

b3ab52e

"Honestly, as much as I love my brother, I'm not sure how I feel about him hanging out in your bedroom." He reached out with a muscular arm and used his fingers to brush a few strands of hair off my cheek, tucking them behind my ear. I shivered, and he smiled. "I feel like I need to mark my territory." "Shut up." "Oh, I love it when you get all bossy-pants. It's sexy."

funny katy

Jennifer L. Armentrout

1f2ece1

One thing I've learned about vampires--they keep pulling new rabbits out of their cloaks. Big, fanged, carnivorous bunnies that'll eat your eyeballs if you're not paying attention.

funny bad-ass

Laurell K. Hamilton

2c901d0

"I mean, we're ninjas." "Well maybe a ninja," I said "You're just a really loud, awkward ninja," Margo said, "but we are both ninjas."

funny ninjas

John Green

49dd997

"I'm not leaving, Kitten. You're going to do this." My mouth opened as did the door behind us. Stomach dropping, I turned to see Mom standing there in all her fuzzy-bunny pajama glory. Oh, for the love of God."

funny bonus-points daemon katy embarrassing

Jennifer L. Armentrout

a5d0799

"I passed out from stress? That's it?" "I believe the princess term is fainted," said Thorne."

funny thorne

Marissa Meyer

11d1d4b

On Friday night, I was reading my new book, but my brain got tired, so I decided to watch some television instead.

television reading funny

Stephen Chbosky

136aac7

Yours in demigodishness, and all that. Peace out!

funny leo-valdez

Rick Riordan

9173706

"What is your advice to young writers?" "Drink, fuck and smoke plenty of cigarettes."

irony sex writing funny humor bukowski smoke alcohol cigarettes authors ironic writing-process drink writers sarcasm

Charles Bukowski

148e7f7

"I'm sure I look like a drowned cat." "You look fine. The wet look works for you." I scowled. "Now I know you're lying."

funny daemon katy

Jennifer L. Armentrout

3caa4fb

You will not kill my girlfriend today, International Terrorists of Ambiguous Nationality!

funny the-fault-in-our-stars

John Green

de94f8f

She was an idiot. An adorable, gorgeous, feisty, funny, sweet, sexy idiot.

humour romance funny

Sarah Mayberry

a92a2ae

Yeah, well. I don't try to be awesome. It just comes natural.

funny gleeson-hedge the-lost-hero

Rick Riordan

8b054c9

La cucaracha, La cucaracha, Ya no puede caminar, porque no tiene, porque le falta, I don't know the rest, la la la la!

funny tuck simone-elkeles perfect-chemistry carlos-fuentes rules-of-attraction

Simone Elkeles

4de0489

"Daemon!" Dee called from the kitchen. "I need your help!" "We should go see what she's doing before she destroys your kitchen." He rubbed his hands down his face. "It's possible."

funny dee katy disaster

Jennifer L. Armentrout

e3ecab7

"Did those nice church ladies come by again?" He nodded. "I asked them if a man died and then the woman remarried, and then the three of them met in heaven, would it be a sin for them to have a threesome, since they were all married in God's eye. And they decided they were late to be somewhere else."

funny awesome ascanio threesome kate-daniels church hilarious

Ilona Andrews

2b7500e

"Tris," he says. "What did they do to you? You're acting like a lunatic." "That's not very nice of you to say," I say. "They put me in a good mood, that's all. And now I really want to kiss you, so if you could just relax-"

funny tobias-and-tris insurgent tobias-eaton four tris veronica-roth

Veronica Roth

e5c645b

Her name badge read: Hello! My name is DIE, DEMIGOD SCUM!

funny humor random name-badge the-son-of-neptune rick-riordan hilarious laugh-out-loud

Rick Riordan

4743e71

Dogs have their day but cats have 365.

dogs funny

Lilian Jackson Braun

f75786e

"Would you like to borrow a pair of my panties to wave around at the next Council meeting to get the point across?" His eyes flashed. "Got any to spare?" I could've picked somebody rational. But no, I had to fall in love with this arrogant idiot. Come to the Keep with me, be my princess. Mourn me when your crazy dad kills me. Yeah, right."

funny love kate

Ilona Andrews

702d33d

"You will not pass!" Roman thundered. Great. Now he had decided he was Gandalf."

funny gandalf gunmetal-magic ilona-andrews roman snarkiness lotr

Ilona Andrews

46ba787

When she absently worried her bottom lip with one of her adorable little fangs, he sighed. The Enemy of Old fucking . Dear gods, it'd finally happened to him. Happiness. Then his own fangs sharpened.I will kill anyone who tries to take this feeling away from me.

funny happiness lothaire immortals-after-dark kresley-cole

Kresley Cole

f588750

"Simon!" Clary shouted, and seized his arm. "What?" Simon looked alarmed. "I'm not really sleeping with your mom, you know. I was just trying to get your attention. Not that your mom isn't a very attractive woman, for her age."

funny simon-lewis mortal-instruments

Cassandra Clare

3ff5e0e

"Yo, beautiful. Come pop this collar off me." Natalya hissed, "Are you mad?" "What's she gonna do? Vivisect me? Imprison me? We've got a pact to fulfill,remember?" To Dorada, she cried, "Seriously, sweetheart, shake that mummified ass over here." Regin kicked the glass. "Lemme the fuck out--" La Dorada swung her head around,peering at Regin with her one eye. "Okay. That's freaky. Lookit, Gollum, if you spring me, I'll help you find your Precious." --

funny humor regin kresley-cole gollum

Kresley Cole

ea80866

"It was an emergency!" Seth blurted. "Read my lips - emergency reading - not some demented idea of fun. If I was starving, I would eat asparagus. If somebody held a gun to my head, I would watch a soap opera. And to save Fablehaven, I would read a book, okay, are you happy?"

reading funny seth fablehaven mull

Brandon Mull

4febd3e

"Wait a second," Clary said. "I never understand why people say that," Luke said, to no one in particular. "I wasn't going anywhere."

funny luke-garroway city-of-bones clary-fray the-mortal-instruments

Cassandra Clare

ce01ac4

Gods, I love it when you talk mathy to me.

funny flirty

Kresley Cole

e5ee4bb

She came awake, stomach rumbling, and opened her eyes to see a plate being held right under her nose. When she reached for it, Shane snatched it back. 'Nuh-uh. Mine.' 'Share!' she demanded. 'Man, you are one grabby girlfriend.' She grinned. It always made her feel so fiercly warm inside to hear him say that- the girlfriend part, not the grabby part. 'If you love me, you'll give me a taco.' 'Seriously? That's all you got? What about you'll do sexy, illegal things to me for a taco?' 'Not for a taco,' she said. 'I'm not cheap.' 'They're brisket tacos.' 'Now you're talking.

funny humor tacos morganville-vampires shane-collins

Rachel Caine

5c57591

You'll blow up a helicopter, but you won't go out with me? What is with you?

relationships funny jess-mastriani rob-wilkins when-lightning-strikes

Meg Cabot

dc09b05

"The cord pulled taut and she rebounded, flying back up before falling again. As her velocity slowed, she opened her eyes and found herself dangling at the end of the cord, about five feet above Jace. He was grinning. "Nice," he said. "As graceful as a falling snowflake." "Was I screaming?" She asked, genuinely curious. "You know, on the way down." He nodded. "Thankfully no one's home, or they would have assumed I was murdering you." "Ha. You can't even reach me." She kicked out a leg and spun lazily in midair. Jace's eyes glinted. "Want to bet?" Clary knew that expression. "No," she said quickly. "Whatever you're going to do-" But he'd already done it. When Jace moved fast, his individual movements were almost invisible. She saw his hand go to his belt, and then something flashed in the air. She heard the sound of parting fabric as the cord above her head was sheared through. Released, she fell freely, too surprised to scream- directly into Jace's arms. The force knocked him backward, and they sprawled together onto one of the padded floor mats, Clary on top of him. He grinned up at her. "Now," he said, "that was much better. You didn't scream at all." "I didn't get the chance." She was breathless, and not just from the impact of the fall. Being sprawled on top of Jace, feeling his body against hers, made her hands shake and her heart beat faster."

romance funny humor love city-of-fallen-angels clary-fray the-mortal-instruments jace-wayland sweet

Cassandra Clare

e167c6b

Boredom can be a lethal thing on a small island.

funny inspirational boredom crazy

Christopher Moore

8ee8d4b

"A snap of Rhys's fingers, and my nightclothes--and some flimsy underthings--appeared on the bed. "I couldn't decide which scrap of lace I wanted you to wear, so I brought you a few to choose from." "Pig," I barked"

funny rhysand flirting

Sarah J. Maas

8af6c58

"How are you feeling?" I leaned away from him. "Gross." Aiden frowned. "Gross?" "I haven't brushed my teeth or washed my face in days. Don't come near me." He laughed. "Alex, come on." "Seriously, I'm gross." I put my hand over my mouth. Ignoring my protests, he leaned over and brushed my string hair back. "You're as beautiful as always, Alex." I stared at him. He must not get out much."

funny humor alex sarcasm

Jennifer L. Armentrout

57d2bb9

Believe me, It would be better if we didn't meet again. Go back to school. Go back to your life. And next time they ask you, say no. Killing is for grown-ups and you're still a child.

killing funny humor inspirational incentive interesting kind different

Anthony Horowitz

11adbaf

"Though Alec had never seen the occupants of the first floor loft, they seemed to be engaged in a tempestuous romance. Once there had been a bunch of someone's belongings strewn all over the landing with a note attached to a jacket lapel addressed to "A lying liar who lies." Right now there was a bouquet of flowers taped to the door with a card tucked among the blooms that read I'M SORRY. That was the thing about New York: you always knew more about your neighbors' business than you wanted to."

funny humor neighbors romance-relationship city-of-lost-souls the-mortal-instruments apartment cassandra-clare new-york

Cassandra Clare

77802c0

"He's not doing anything he shouldn't be doing, right?" "Like what?" "Like hitting on you." "Ew. No, of course not. He doesn't see me that way." Michael shook his head and went back to his coffee. "What? You think he does?" "Sometimes he looks at you a little... oddly, that's all. Maybe you're right. Maybe he just wants you for your blood." "Again, Ew! What's with you this morning?" "Not enough coffee."

funny humor myrnin michael-glass ghost-town morganville-vampires rachel-caine shane-collins teacher vampire vampires

Rachel Caine

62e921d

"You humans, always eating. I'll make you soup. You can eat it while you keep working." Myrnin set aside his book and walked into the back of the lab. "Don't use the same beaker you used for poisons!" Claire yelled after him. He waved a pale hand. "I mean it!"

funny humor the-morganville-vampires myrnin ghost-town rachel-caine vampires

Rachel Caine

29a4dce

"The dark prince sat astride his black steed, his sable cape flowing behind him. A golden circlet bound his blond locks, his handsome face was cold with the rage of battle, and... "And his arm looked like an eggplant," Clary muttered to herself in exasperation."

funny simon-lewis mortal-instruments

Cassandra Clare

d39cd61

"The door buzzer sounded again. The two boys exchanged a single look before both bolting down the narrow hallway to the door. Jordan got there first. He grabbed for the coatrack that stood by the door, ripped the coats off it, and flung the door wide, the rack held aboe his head like a javelin. On the other side of the door was Jace. He blinked. "Is that a coatrack?" Jordan slammed the coatrack down on the ground and sighed. "If you'd been a vampire, this would have been a lot more useful." "Yes," said Jace. "Or, you know, just someone with a lot of coats."

funny humor coatrack coats jordan-kyle city-of-fallen-angels the-mortal-instruments jace-lightwood jace-wayland simon-lewis

Cassandra Clare

215dc3c

May the fleas of a thousand camels invade the crotch of the person that ruins your day. And may their arms be to short too scratch

revenge happy humour strife funny humor inspirational amusing malediction anger

Keisha Keenleyside

9ad91bc

The Friday before winter break, my mom packed me an overnight bag and a few deadly weapons and took me to a new boarding school.

fiction funny fantasy intense

Rick Riordan

487791d

St. Clair gets a crush on Anna. He's torn between her and Ellie, and he spends so much time running between them that he hardly has time left for Josh. And the more time that Josh spends alone, the more he realizes how alone he actually is. All of his friends will be gone the next year. Josh grows increasingly antagonistic toward school, which makes Rashmi increasingly antagonistic toward him, which makes him increasingly antagonistic toward her. And she's upset because Elie dropped her as a friend, and Meredith is upset because now St. Clair likes two girls who aren't her, and Anna is upset because St. Clair is leading her on, and then St. Clair's mom gets cancer. It's a freaking soap opera.

funny isla

Stephanie Perkins

313a1ba

"Dee loves it here. Before you came, she spent most of her days here." To Daemon, my arrival was the beginning of the end. The apocalypse. Kat-mageddon. "You know, I'm not going to get your sister in trouble." "We'll see."

funny daemon katy

Jennifer L. Armentrout

2906d18

If you have ever seen a dragon in a pinch, you will realize that this was only poetical exaggeration applied to any hobbit, even to Old Took's great-grand-uncle Bullroarer, who was so huge (for a hobbit) that he could ride a horse. He charged the ranks of the goblins of Mount Gram in the Battle of the Green Fields, and knocked their king Golfimbul's head clean off with a wooden club. It sailed a hundred yards through the air and went down a rabbit-hole, and in this way the battle was won and the game of Golf invented at the same moment.

funny humor invention-of-golf hobbits

J.R.R. Tolkien

1796a5e

"Myrnin, who hadn't said much, suddenly reached out and wrapped his arms around her. She stiffened, shocked, and for a panicked second wondered whether he'd suddenly decided to snack on her neck... but it was just a hug. His body felt cold against hers, and way too close, but then he let go and stepped back. "You've done very well. I'm extremely proud of you," he said. There was a touch of color high in his pale cheeks. "Do go home now. And shower. You reek like the dead." Which, coming from a vampire, was pretty rich."

funny humor myrnin ghost-town morganville-vampires rachel-caine vampire vampires

Rachel Caine

f03e470

It's so trendy, almost bleeding to death. All the cool girls are doing it.

funny ed-fargo cool fearless

Francine Pascal

1b3013e

"You okay?" "Fine." "Your heart's beating really fast." "Gee, thanks. That's very comforting that you can hear it." He smiled, and it was the old Michael, the one she'd first met before all the vamp stuff. "Yeah, I know it is. Sorry. Just stay behind me if there's trouble." "You sound like Shane." "Well, he did say he'd kill me if I got you hurt. I'm just looking after my own neck." "Liar."

funny humor eve-rosser michael-glass ghost-town morganville-vampires rachel-caine shane-collins teacher vampires

Rachel Caine

e264f40

"Are you two you know?" Jacob pointed at us. " " I didn't get a chance to answer. Cam spun me around and kissed me, right there between the two buildings. It was no friendly peck on the lips. When our tongues touched, my bag slipped off my arm and hit the frosted ground. "Holy crap," Jacob muttered. "I think they're going to make babies."

funny jacob-massen j-lynn jennifer-l-armentrout wait-for-you cam jacob lol

Jennifer L. Armentrout

d292431

"What did you tell them?" "I don't recall. I think I mentioned your discipline and ability to follow orders. I may have said something about you being a team player." Derek emitted a strangled cough. "Why?" I demanded. "It seemed like a good idea at the time." Curran resumed hammering. "I'm sorry," I said into the phone, sticking me finger into my other ear so I could hear. "His Majesty tends to exaggerate things. I'm not a team player. I'm undisciplined and I have a problem with authority. Also, the Beast Lord can't hammer for shit." On the roof Derek was laughing his head off."

funny roof derek kate-daniels

Ilona Andrews

87200e6

"Did I ever tell you the difference between a Northern fairy tale and a Southern one?" she asked him, indulging herself and letting her head rest on his shoulder. God, he felt good. Her man. Where her head was meant to lie, right there, on him. "What's the difference?" "A Northern one starts 'once upon a time,' while a Southern one starts 'y'all ain't going to believe this shit."

fairy-tales funny

Erin McCarthy

6ba249e

"She can go with us to the lab and keep Myrnin pinned down while we pull the plug, if he's not... you know, better." "Define BETTER with that guy." "Not all fangs and raaaaar."

funny humor myrnin michael-glass ghost-town morganville-vampires rachel-caine shane-collins teacher vampire vampires

Rachel Caine

9d4476b

"He said "cool" like I say a Spanish word when I'm not sure of the pronunciation."

spanish funny language

Kelley Armstrong

befe081

"Here," Myrnin said, his voice still gentle and low. "Amelie said you had to work. No one said you had to work alone." He picked up the next part and slotted it in, took the screwdriver from Claire's numbed fingers, and fastened it with a couple of deft, fast movements. "I'll be your hands." She wanted to cry, because it was so sweet, but it wouldn't do any good."

funny humor myrnin ghost-town morganville-vampires rachel-caine vampire vampires

Rachel Caine

ef7815d

Yes, because a vampire slumber party is the pinnacle of safety conscious behavior.

funny sarcastic

Stephenie Meyer

20dbb19

"Myrnin turned away to pick up his Ben Franklin spectacles, balanced them on his nose, and looked over them to say, "Don't do drugs. I feel I ought to say that."

funny humor myrnin ghost-town morganville-vampires rachel-caine vampire vampires

Rachel Caine

7769947

"Me neither," Shane put in. "Homie don't play that." "I wonder, sometimes, if your generation speaks English at all," Amelie said."

funny morganville-vampires shane-collins language

Rachel Caine

43d477b

Honestly, Clary, if you don't start utilizing a bit of your natural feminine superiority I just don't know what I'll do with you.

funny isabelle

Cassandra Clare

96c53c9

"He flipped himself onto his side and kissed me. "You're so hot," I said, my hand still on his leg. "I'm starting to think you have an amputee fetish," he answered, still kissing me. I laughed. "I have an Augustus Waters fetish," I explained."

funny hazel-grace-lancaster

John Green

4dcb946

"I only snatched him to get your attention," I said. "Now that I've got it, this is what I want." "Damn my dame!" Al shouted, hands raised to the ceiling. "I knew it! Not another list!"

funny rachel

Kim Harrison

e14dc4c

"She made an impatient noise. "By the Angel, you don't know anything about your kid, do you? Do you even really know how vampires are made?" "Well, when a mommy vampire and a daddy vampire love each other very much ... "

funny humor city-of-fallen-angels the-mortal-instruments isabelle-lightwood simon-lewis vampire

Cassandra Clare

10d9211

I sat on the bed. Neither of us said anything. I wasn't slick and sophisticated enough for this. What do you say to boyfriend A when he finds you naked in the bed of boyfriend B? Especially if boyfriend A turned into a monster the night before and ate someone. I bet Miss Manners didn't cover this at all.

sex funny miss-manners polyamory

Laurell K. Hamilton

07d1cda

"Oliver laughed - actually laughed."I like this new Claire," he said. "You should work her this hard all the time, Myrnin. She's interesting when she's forthright." Claire, possessed by the spirit of Eve, shot him the finger. Which made him laugh again, shake his head, and walk up the steps."

funny humor ghost-town morganville-vampires rachel-caine oliver vampires

Rachel Caine

dd01a62

Be careful you don't cut yourself. The edges are sharp enough to shave with.' 'Girls don't shave', Arya said. 'Maybe they should. Have you ever seen the septa's legs?

funny sharp shave arya-stark george-r-r-martin jon-snow a-song-of-ice-and-fire sword cutting

George R.R. Martin

c736085

Fifteen men on the Dead Man's Chest Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum! Drink and the devil had done for the rest Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum!

funny

Robert Louis Stevenson

b14de94

"She handed him a glass of water and two Aleve gelcaps. "They're anti-inflammatories. They will dull the pain a little bit and keep down swelling and redness. Swallow the pills, don't chew." "Well, I thought I'd stick them into my nose and impersonate a walrus, but if you insist, I'll swallow them."

funny rose medicine

Ilona Andrews

14da37f

girls please give your bodies and your lives to the young men who deserve them besides there is no way I would welcome the intolerable dull senseless hell you would bring me and I wish you luck in bed and out but not in mine thank you.

irony poem poetry women funny death life love bukowski dull girls misogyny rejection sexuality hell

Charles Bukowski

514e08c

If per capita was a problem, decapita could be arranged

funny reaper-man unseen-university vetinari

Terry Pratchett

2e9fb94

The uniform enhanced his athletic body, and my thoughts drifted to how magnificent he would look with his uniform puddled around his feet.

funny uniform

Maria V. Snyder

3e48d5d

I hate witches. Humans had the right idea, burning them at the stake.

witches funny true-blood sookie-stackhouse

Charlaine Harris

cea1602

"Otis," I said. "Shhh," he said. "I'm incognito. Call me...Otis." "I'm not sure that's how incognito works, but okay." Otis, aka Otis climbed into the chair I'd reserved for Sam."

humorous humour funny humor humorous-quoations humorous-quotes

Rick Riordan

658f73e

"As I climbed up into the high old bed, the large fly in my personal ointment did the same. Had I actually told him he could get in bed with me? Well, I decided, as I wriggled down under the soft old sheets and the blanket and the comforter, if Eric had designs on me, I was just too tired to care. "Woman?" "Hmmm?" "What's your name?" "Sookie. Sookie Stackhouse." "Thank you, Sookie." "Welcome, Eric."

funny true-blood sookie-stackhouse

Charlaine Harris

c76038c

"In the Old Language, she hissed, "If any harm shall befall him, I will come after you, and find you where you sleep. I do not care where you lay your head or who with, my vengeance shall rain upon you until you drown." That last word was drawn out, until its syllable was lost in more growling. Dead silence. Until Doc Jane said dryly, "Annnnd this is why they say the female of the species is more dangerous than the male."

funny layla qhuinn

J.R. Ward

90b03c9

"Promise me, Amelie, that you'll crucify me with silver before you allow me to fall in love." "I hardly think there's any chance of that," Amelie said. "I doubt you have the capacity."

funny humor eve-rosser myrnin michael-glass ghost-town morganville-vampires rachel-caine shane-collins teacher vampire vampires

Rachel Caine

6b2d2cf

You know, you're rather amusingly wrong.

irony humorous funny humor witty-quotes satire wit

Terry Pratchett

7f82f77

If you're listening to this, congratulations! You survived Doomsday. I'd like to apologize straightaway for any inconvenience the end of the world may have caused you. The earthquakes, rebellions, riots,tornadoes, floods, tsunamis, and of course the giant snake who swallowed the sun--I'm afraid most of that was our fault. Carter and I decided we should at least explain how it happened.

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Rick Riordan

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"So," sneered Fudge, recovering himself, "you intend to take on Dawlish, Shacklebolt, Dolores, and myself single-handed, do you, Dumbledore?" "Merlin's beard, no," said Dumbledore, smiling. "Not unless you are foolish enough to force me to." "He will not be single-handed!" said Professor McGonagall loudly, plunging her hand inside her robes. "Oh yes he will, Minerva!" said Dumbledore sharply. "Hogwarts needs you!" --

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J.K. Rowling

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"My darling, you are indisposed! You must remain abed for the next eight months. Little Buford - " "I am NOT naming our child Buford..."

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Cassandra Clare

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"Uh... ," Ivy stammered, and I glanced up to see her eyes wide in consideration. "I'm kidding," I said. "It passed the lethal-amulet test, remember?" "Not that. You keep it in your underwear drawer?" I hesitated, wondering why I was embarrassed. "Well, where do you put your elven magic?" I asked." --

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Kim Harrison

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"Bite me, Goth princess," Shane called from the back. "Not literally or anything." "Maybe you should say that to Michael." "Not funny, Eve," Michael said. Eve raised her eyebrows and held her fingers up, measuring off about an inch. "Little bit," she said."

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Rachel Caine

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"This cat is looking at me with judgment.""He's not," said Jules. "That's just his face.""You look at me the same way," Mark said, glancing at Julian. "Judgy face."

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Cassandra Clare

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A totally nondenominational prayer: Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care what I say, I ask, if it matters, that I be forgiven for anything I may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness. Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else may be required to insure any possible benefit for which I may be eligible after the destruction of my body, I ask that this, whatever it may be, be granted or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to insure said benefit. I ask this in my capacity as your elected intermediary between yourself and that which may not be yourself, but which may have an interest in the matter of your receiving as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and which may in some way be influenced by this ceremony. Amen.

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Roger Zelazny

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"He's not that smart." "She's right," Augustus says. "It's just that most really good-looking people are stupid, so I exceed expectations." "Right, it's primarily his hotness." "It can be sort of blinding," he said. "It actually did blind our friend Isaac." "Terrible tragedy, that. But can I help my own deadly beauty?" "You cannot." "It is my burden, this beautiful face." "Not to mention your body." "Seriously, don't even get me started on my hot bod. You don't want to see me naked, Dave. Seeing me naked actually took Hazel Grace's breath away," he said, nodding toward the oxygen tank."

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John Green

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"Come on," I said, taking his hand. Clutching the afghan with the other hand, he trailed down the hall after me, a snow white giant in tiny red underwear."

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Charlaine Harris

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My parents didn't raise me to be religious. The closest we come to worship is the Trinity of Visa, Mastercard, and American Express. I think the Merryweather cheerleaders confuse me because I missed out on Sunday School. It has to be a miracle. There is no other explanation. How else could they sleep with the football team on Saturday night and be reincarnated as virginal goddesses on Monday?

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Laurie Halse Anderson

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"You know, I don't get why Fred and George only got three O.W.L.s each," said Harry, watching as Fred, George, and Lee collected gold from the eager crowd. "They really know their stuff. . . ." "Oh, they only know flashy stuff that's no real use to anyone," said Hermione disparagingly. "No real use?" said Ron in a strained voice. "Hermione, they've got about twenty-six Galleons already. . . ." --

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J.K. Rowling

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Boy, you knock on the devil's door and he will head slam you through the wall.

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Sherrilyn Kenyon

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Because he sounded so lost-the Eric I knew had never been one to do anything other than assume others should serve him-I patted around under the covers for his hand. When I found it, I slid my own over it. His palm was turned up to meet my palm, and his fingers clasped mine. And though I would not have thought it possible to go to sleep holding hands with a vampire, that's exactly what I did.

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Charlaine Harris

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"Never try to understand the students. They hate it. They would much rather be tragically misunderstood, wallow in self-pity, stew in their own --" "That's enough, Phineas," said Dumbledore."

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J.K. Rowling

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"I'm healthy as an ox. And you?" "To compare myself with a bovine would be both ridiculous and insulting, but I'm fit as ever, if that is what you are asking."

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Christopher Paolini

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There had to be a circle of Hell where you were eternally fourteen, eternally in junior high. One of the lower circles.

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Laurell K. Hamilton

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"Simon turned to Jordan, who was lying down across the futon, his head propped against one of the woven throw pillows. "How much of that did you hear?" "Enough to gather that we're going to a party tonight," said Jordan. "I heard about the Ironworks event. I'm not in the Garroway pack, so I wasn't invited." "I guess you're coming as my date now." Simon shoved the phone back into his pocket. "I'm secure enough in my masculinity to accept that," said Jordan. "We'd better get you something nice to wear, though," he called as Simon headed back into his room. "I want you to look pretty."

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Cassandra Clare

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What on earth would I do if four bears came into my camp? Why, I would die of course. Literally shit myself lifeless.

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Bill Bryson

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"He started to touch the mechanism under the keyboard, then pulled his hand back with a snap. "Ah," he said. "Must deactivate the security....Turn around, please." "What?" "Turn around, Claire. It's a secure password!" "You have GOT to be kidding." "Why ever would I joke about that? Please turn."

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Rachel Caine

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"I can't go to Amsterdam. One of my doctors thinks it's a bad idea." He was quiet for a second. "God," he said. "I should've just paid for it myself. Should've just taken you straight from the Funky Bones to Amsterdam." "But then I would've had a probably fatal episode of deoxygenation in Amsterdam, and my body would have been shipped home in the cargo hold of an airplane," I said. "Well, yeah," he said. "But before that, my grand romantic gesture would have totally gotten me laid." I laughed pretty hard, hard enought that I felt where the chest tube had been. "You laugh because it's true," he said. I laughed again. "It's true, isn't it!" "Probably not," I said, and then after a moment added, "although you never know."

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John Green

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"..."vers libre," (free verse) or nine-tenths of it, is not a new metre any more than sleeping in a ditch is a new school of architecture."

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G.K. Chesterton

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"But Amy," Elder says. "Space suits!"

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Beth Revis