funny-and-random

Link	Quote	Tags	Author
8672633	-Oh yes? Can you identify yourself? -Certainly. I'd know me anywhere.	humorous humor witty-quotes satire funny-and-random wit	Terry Pratchett
7f82f77	If you're listening to this, congratulations! You survived Doomsday. I'd like to apologize straightaway for any inconvenience the end of the world may have caused you. The earthquakes, rebellions, riots,tornadoes, floods, tsunamis, and of course the giant snake who swallowed the sun--I'm afraid most of that was our fault. Carter and I decided we should at least explain how it happened.	humour funny giant-snake ra tsunamis riordan tornado rebellious riots serpent floods earthquakes survive sun snake funny-and-random sadie-kane destruction	Rick Riordan
60dc4e0	Our problems started in Dallas, when the fire-breathing sheep destroyed the King Tut exhibit.	humour funny giant-snake ra tsunamis riordan tornado rebellious riots serpent floods earthquakes survive sun snake funny-and-random sadie-kane destruction	Rick Riordan
7000607	"Yes, an actual full-sized camel. If you find that confusing, just think how the criosphinx must have felt. Where did the camel come from, you ask? I may have mentioned Walt's collection of amulets. Two of them summoned disgusting camels. I'd met them before, so I was less than excited when a ton of dromedary flesh flew across my line of sight, plowed into the sphinx, and collapsed on top of it. The sphinx growled in outrage as it tried to free itself. The camel grunted and farted. "Hindenburg," I said. Only one camel could possibly fart that badly. "Walt, why in the world--?" "Sorry!" he yelled. "Wrong amulet!" The technique worked, at any rate. The camel wasn't much of a fighter, but it was quite heavy and clumsy. The criosphinx snarled and clawed at the floor, trying unsuccessfully to push the camel off; but Hindenburg just splayed his legs, made alarmed honking sounds, and let loose gas. I moved to Walt's side and tried to get my bearings."	humour funny giant-snake ra tsunamis riordan tornado rebellious riots serpent floods earthquakes survive sun snake funny-and-random sadie-kane destruction	Rick Riordan
39fb9de	"[...] The alpha-wolf has hurt himself [...]." "What happened to the alpha-wolf?" "LEGOs." "Legos?" It sounded Greek but I couldn't recall anything mythological with that name. Wasnt it an island? "He was carrying a load of laundry into the basement and tripped on the old set of LEGOs his kids left on the stairs. Broke two ribs and an ankle. He'll be out of comission for two weeks." Curran shook his head."	kate funny-and-random	Ilona Andrews
1a6db3c	Remember. Make him cry uncle. Cry uncle, my posterior. I'm going to make him cry like a girl who broke her mom's designer heels at the prom.	nick-gautier funny-and-random	Sherrilyn Kenyon
29752f1	"I walked in on my folks doing it doggy style less than four hours ago." "Waitress!" Jonas screamed, clicking his fingers madly. "Bring two!" then, more quietly,"You want a neck massage? A bedtime story? A bullet in the ear?"	funny-and-random	MaryJanice Davidson
9c12bb4	"By the power of Grayskull. . . I have the power!" Nick "By the power of Grayskull, I'm going to cleave your skull from your shoulders if you don't take this seriously." Caleb"	sherrilyn-kenyon nick-gautier funny-and-random	Sherrilyn Kenyon
472aaef	(About a cookbook...) - What about this one? Maids of Honor? - Weeelll, they starts OUT as Maids of Honor...but they ends up Tarts.	humorous humor retort witty satire funny-and-random wit	Terry Pratchett
a57ef69	She never called her son by any name but John; 'love' and 'dear', and such like terms, were reserved for Fanny.	names mothers sons funny-and-random sobriquet	Elizabeth Gaskell
eb40399	And what the hell does that even mean? Why would you serve food for thoughgs, and what kind of food? If you serve spinach, do you get healthy thoughts? If it's ice cream and candy, it is fun thoughts? Why do we say stupid things?	thoughts food-for-thought funny-and-random	J.D. Robb
639288a	"Care to explain?" Ari asked. "Didn't you see my signals?" "Yeah. But they didn't make sense. Five into one and it's an intrusion." "It's an illusion! Five of them are an illusion." "That's not the signal for illusion. This is." Ari demonstrated the proper signal. "That's what I did." "No, you didn't. You did a weird twisty thing with your pinky." "I had a scimitar at my throat. I'd like to see you try signaling under those conditions." -Janco and Ari bickering"	funny bickering funny-and-random funny-quotes funny-humor	Maria V. Snyder
8268b2c	"I get a message from my dad. In the mood I'm in, I tear up to see his name in my inbox, and imagine him down the hall in bed, propped on pillows, emailing me. "Hon, Enjoyed our gelato date the other night. I just want to say I'm proud of you for a lot of reasons. Also, I've attached a picture of my foot." He's such a weirdo goofball. I love him."	lauren funny-and-random	Sara Zarr
9b5ab8b	"Hasn't stopped us before. And besides, if they wanted to kill us, we'd be dead by now and would be having an entirely different conversation. I wonder if I'd still be mad at you, or if we would talk in words or pictures. Maybe in smells. That would be cool." -Janco"	humor afterlife-speculation funny-and-random funny-but-true funny-quotes thought-provoking	Maria V. Snyder
99ae9a7	"Is she special? (asks the gay waiter)" I thinks she's going to break my heart" On arrival of the girl" The flannel is fine honey,but I have'nt seen anyone that over accesorized since batman!"	humor funny-and-random	Christopher Moore
333c475	"Right now, I couldn't have cared less if someone had waltzed across the room in a large flower costume with a sign saying GET YOUR BLACK TULIPS HERE. Every nerve in my body was on man-alert, screaming, "incoming!"	spies lauren-willig funny-and-random spy	Lauren Willig
7719876	He could not consent to allow himself to be insulted, still less to allow himself to be treated as a rag, and, above all, to allow a thoroughly vicious man to treat him so. No quarrelling, however, no quarrelling! Possibly if some one wanted, if some one, for instance, actually insisted on turning Mr. Golyadkin into a rag, he might have done so, might have done so without opposition or punishment (Mr. Golyadkin was himself conscious of this at times), and he would have been a rag and not Golyadkin - yes, a nasty, filthy rag; but that rag would not have been a simple rag, it would have been a rag possessed of dignity, it would have been a rag possessed of feelings and sentiments, even though dignity was defenceless and feelings could not assert themselves, and lay hidden deep down in the filthy folds of the rag, still the feelings there...	humor the-double funny-and-random	Fyodor Dostoyevsky
1f4b902	She grabbed all her clothes from her wardrobe and flung them across the room, screaming her head off until she finally felt sane again. Perhaps tomorrow she would buy those cats. (Holly)	cat-lady tantrums funny-and-random	Cecelia Ahern

-Oh yes? Can you identify yourself? -Certainly. I'd know me anywhere.

humorous humor witty-quotes satire funny-and-random wit

Terry Pratchett

7f82f77

If you're listening to this, congratulations! You survived Doomsday. I'd like to apologize straightaway for any inconvenience the end of the world may have caused you. The earthquakes, rebellions, riots,tornadoes, floods, tsunamis, and of course the giant snake who swallowed the sun--I'm afraid most of that was our fault. Carter and I decided we should at least explain how it happened.

humour funny giant-snake ra tsunamis riordan tornado rebellious riots serpent floods earthquakes survive sun snake funny-and-random sadie-kane destruction

Rick Riordan

60dc4e0

Our problems started in Dallas, when the fire-breathing sheep destroyed the King Tut exhibit.

humour funny giant-snake ra tsunamis riordan tornado rebellious riots serpent floods earthquakes survive sun snake funny-and-random sadie-kane destruction

Rick Riordan

7000607

"Yes, an actual full-sized camel. If you find that confusing, just think how the criosphinx must have felt. Where did the camel come from, you ask? I may have mentioned Walt's collection of amulets. Two of them summoned disgusting camels. I'd met them before, so I was less than excited when a ton of dromedary flesh flew across my line of sight, plowed into the sphinx, and collapsed on top of it. The sphinx growled in outrage as it tried to free itself. The camel grunted and farted. "Hindenburg," I said. Only one camel could possibly fart that badly. "Walt, why in the world--?" "Sorry!" he yelled. "Wrong amulet!" The technique worked, at any rate. The camel wasn't much of a fighter, but it was quite heavy and clumsy. The criosphinx snarled and clawed at the floor, trying unsuccessfully to push the camel off; but Hindenburg just splayed his legs, made alarmed honking sounds, and let loose gas. I moved to Walt's side and tried to get my bearings."

humour funny giant-snake ra tsunamis riordan tornado rebellious riots serpent floods earthquakes survive sun snake funny-and-random sadie-kane destruction

Rick Riordan

39fb9de

"[...] The alpha-wolf has hurt himself [...]." "What happened to the alpha-wolf?" "LEGOs." "Legos?" It sounded Greek but I couldn't recall anything mythological with that name. Wasnt it an island? "He was carrying a load of laundry into the basement and tripped on the old set of LEGOs his kids left on the stairs. Broke two ribs and an ankle. He'll be out of comission for two weeks." Curran shook his head."

kate funny-and-random

Ilona Andrews

1a6db3c

Remember. Make him cry uncle. Cry uncle, my posterior. I'm going to make him cry like a girl who broke her mom's designer heels at the prom.

nick-gautier funny-and-random

Sherrilyn Kenyon

29752f1

"I walked in on my folks doing it doggy style less than four hours ago." "Waitress!" Jonas screamed, clicking his fingers madly. "Bring two!" then, more quietly,"You want a neck massage? A bedtime story? A bullet in the ear?"

funny-and-random

MaryJanice Davidson

9c12bb4

"By the power of Grayskull. . . I have the power!" Nick "By the power of Grayskull, I'm going to cleave your skull from your shoulders if you don't take this seriously." Caleb"

sherrilyn-kenyon nick-gautier funny-and-random

Sherrilyn Kenyon

472aaef

(About a cookbook...) - What about this one? Maids of Honor? - Weeelll, they starts OUT as Maids of Honor...but they ends up Tarts.

humorous humor retort witty satire funny-and-random wit

Terry Pratchett

a57ef69

She never called her son by any name but John; 'love' and 'dear', and such like terms, were reserved for Fanny.

names mothers sons funny-and-random sobriquet

Elizabeth Gaskell

eb40399

And what the hell does that even mean? Why would you serve food for thoughgs, and what kind of food? If you serve spinach, do you get healthy thoughts? If it's ice cream and candy, it is fun thoughts? Why do we say stupid things?

thoughts food-for-thought funny-and-random

J.D. Robb

639288a

"Care to explain?" Ari asked. "Didn't you see my signals?" "Yeah. But they didn't make sense. Five into one and it's an intrusion." "It's an illusion! Five of them are an illusion." "That's not the signal for illusion. This is." Ari demonstrated the proper signal. "That's what I did." "No, you didn't. You did a weird twisty thing with your pinky." "I had a scimitar at my throat. I'd like to see you try signaling under those conditions." -Janco and Ari bickering"

funny bickering funny-and-random funny-quotes funny-humor

Maria V. Snyder

8268b2c

"I get a message from my dad. In the mood I'm in, I tear up to see his name in my inbox, and imagine him down the hall in bed, propped on pillows, emailing me. "Hon, Enjoyed our gelato date the other night. I just want to say I'm proud of you for a lot of reasons. Also, I've attached a picture of my foot." He's such a weirdo goofball. I love him."

lauren funny-and-random

Sara Zarr

9b5ab8b

"Hasn't stopped us before. And besides, if they wanted to kill us, we'd be dead by now and would be having an entirely different conversation. I wonder if I'd still be mad at you, or if we would talk in words or pictures. Maybe in smells. That would be cool." -Janco"

humor afterlife-speculation funny-and-random funny-but-true funny-quotes thought-provoking

Maria V. Snyder

99ae9a7

"Is she special? (asks the gay waiter)" I thinks she's going to break my heart" On arrival of the girl" The flannel is fine honey,but I have'nt seen anyone that over accesorized since batman!"

humor funny-and-random

Christopher Moore

333c475

"Right now, I couldn't have cared less if someone had waltzed across the room in a large flower costume with a sign saying GET YOUR BLACK TULIPS HERE. Every nerve in my body was on man-alert, screaming, "incoming!"

spies lauren-willig funny-and-random spy

Lauren Willig

7719876

He could not consent to allow himself to be insulted, still less to allow himself to be treated as a rag, and, above all, to allow a thoroughly vicious man to treat him so. No quarrelling, however, no quarrelling! Possibly if some one wanted, if some one, for instance, actually insisted on turning Mr. Golyadkin into a rag, he might have done so, might have done so without opposition or punishment (Mr. Golyadkin was himself conscious of this at times), and he would have been a rag and not Golyadkin - yes, a nasty, filthy rag; but that rag would not have been a simple rag, it would have been a rag possessed of dignity, it would have been a rag possessed of feelings and sentiments, even though dignity was defenceless and feelings could not assert themselves, and lay hidden deep down in the filthy folds of the rag, still the feelings there...

humor the-double funny-and-random

Fyodor Dostoyevsky

1f4b902

She grabbed all her clothes from her wardrobe and flung them across the room, screaming her head off until she finally felt sane again. Perhaps tomorrow she would buy those cats. (Holly)

cat-lady tantrums funny-and-random

Cecelia Ahern