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8ecdc5a I suspect he's sweet on Sophie and doesn't like to see her work too hard.' Tessa was glad to hear it. She'd felt awful about her reaction to Sophie's scar, and the thought that Sophie had a male admirer - and a handsome one like that- eased her conscience slightly. 'Perhaps he's in love with Agatha', she said. 'I hope not. I intend to marry Agatha myself. She may be a thousand years old, but she makes an incomparable jam tart. Beauty fades, but cooking is eternal. humorous glib infenal-devices jam clockwork-angel tessa-gray will-herondale Cassandra Clare
7186957 I picked up one of the books and flipped through it. Don't get me wrong, I like reading. But some books should come with warning labels: Caution: contains characters and plots guaranteed to induce sleepiness. Do not attempt to operate heavy machinery after ingesting more than one chapter. Has been known to cause blindness, seizures and a terminal loathing of literature. Should only be taken under the supervision of a highly trained English teacher. Preferably one who grades on the curve. humorous boring-books Laurie Halse Anderson
876af27 Smiling always seems to annoy people more than actually insulting them. Or maybe I just have an annoying smile. humorous smiling insulting Jim Butcher
e6a0340 "And now leave me in peace for a bit! I don't want to answer a string of questions while I am eating. I want to think!" "Good Heavens!" said Pippin. "At breakfast?" humorous hobbits J.R.R. Tolkien
2617b91 Oh, how I regret not having worn a bikini for the entire year I was twenty-six. If anyone young is reading this, go, right this minute, put on a bikini, and don't take it off until you're thirty-four. humorous skinny Nora Ephron
83cbb5b People who didn't need people needed people around to know that they were the kind of people who didn't need people. irony humorous humor ironic Terry Pratchett
80761e1 There was a point to this story, but it has temporarily escaped the chronicler's mind. humorous Douglas Adams
504949c Life is just one small piece of light between two eternal darknesses. humorous insprirational vladimir nabokov
8672633 -Oh yes? Can you identify yourself? -Certainly. I'd know me anywhere. humorous humor witty-quotes satire funny-and-random wit Terry Pratchett
9bf7d37 She's realized the real problem with stories -- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death. humorous stories Neil Gaiman
73e6f76 I have panicked unnecessarily in all four corners of the globe. travel humorous Jon Ronson
cea1602 "Otis," I said. "Shhh," he said. "I'm incognito. Call me...Otis." "I'm not sure that's how incognito works, but okay." Otis, aka Otis climbed into the chair I'd reserved for Sam." humorous humour funny humor humorous-quoations humorous-quotes Rick Riordan
6b2d2cf You know, you're rather amusingly wrong. irony humorous funny humor witty-quotes satire wit Terry Pratchett
630be6f Merlin's pants! humorous J.K. Rowling
65ae590 It was the living who ignored the strange and wonderful, because life was too full of the boring and mundane. humorous life inspirational Terry Pratchett
210dcf2 There are times when I am so unlike myself that I might be taken for someone else of an entirely opposite character. personality humorous flexibility personal-development self Jean-Jacques Rousseau
7e202e1 Sh!t. F_ck sh!t.'.... 'Sh!t f_ck would have also been accepted. humorous Ilona Andrews
54e5559 "-"He loved her...It was noble of him. It was beautiful." -"It was stupid." -- humorous funny humor comical comedy sharp witty satire ironic Lloyd Alexander
7b36dae "I shot him a look. "That bouncer was really big." His lips quirked. "Oh, Kitten, see, I try not to say bad things." "What?" The grin spread. "I would say size doesn't matter but it does. I would know." he winked, and I let out a disgusted groan. He laughed." humorous humour humor Jennifer L. Armentrout
a3d3f84 Actually, watching television and surfing the Internet are really excellent practice for being dead. death-and-dying television humorous humor wisdom humorous-quotations wisdom-in-fiction internet Chuck Palahniuk
8a5ca00 "Sam's phone buzzed. She fished it out of her pocket, checked the screen, and cursed. "I have to go." "You just got here." "Valkyrie business. Possible code three-eight-one: heroic death in progress." "You're making that up." "I'm not." "So...what, somebody thinks they're about to die and they text you 'Going down! Need Valkyrie ASAP!' followed by a bunch of sad-face emojis?" humorous humour funny humor humorous-quote humorous-quotations Rick Riordan
c23a321 "This is the sixty-nine," I told him, presenting the magazine in front of him. I put my fingers -- two of them -- on the action, so that he would not overlook it. "Why is it dubbed sixty-nine?" he asked, because he is a person hot on fire with curiosity. "It was invented in 1969. My friend Gregory knows a friend of the nephew of the inventor." "What did people do before 1969?" "Merely blowjobs and masticating box, but never in chorus." sex humorous Jonathan Safran Foer
88efb65 But beauty, real beauty, ends where an intellectual expression begins. Intellect is in itself a mode of exaggeration, and destroys the harmony of any face. The moment one sits down to think, one becomes all nose, or all forehead, or something horrid. Look at the successful men in any of the learned professions. How perfectly hideous they are! Except, of course, in the Church. But then in the Church they don't think. humorous Oscar Wilde
e7e1e14 Forgive me....I called you an idiot. I spoke too hastily. You are not. Had I given it more thought, I would have called you a scoundrel. humorous funny humor comebacks silly Lloyd Alexander
96403d3 "I never said nothing..." "I know you never! I could hear you not saying anything! You've got the loudest silences I ever did hear from anyone who wasn't dead!" humorous humor Terry Pratchett
c4f0ee7 "Wroth, darling," she purred, smiling so sweetly. "I can't wait for the next time I get to put my mouth on you." In an instant the smile faded and she snapped her teeth and yanked her head back as if she was chewing something free." humorous humor Kresley Cole
5f9b64f "He swallowed. "Have you no modesty?" Never in his life had he encountered a female so quick to be naked. Of course, he'd never in his life encountered a female who should so utterly be naked at any chance." humorous humor flirty Kresley Cole
b92f167 "I can't help but laugh into my next sip of water. For the first time, mine doesn't seem so bad. "I don't know why you're fucking laughing. You have a girl's name and no middle name." humorous ryke-meadows loren-hale Krista Ritchie
4a47e00 "Do you know why Satan is so angry all the time? Because whenever he works a particularly clever bit of mischief God uses it to serve his own Rigteous purposes." "So God uses wicked people as his tools?" "God gives us the freedom to to do great evil, if we choose, then He uses his own freedom to create goodness out of that evil, for that is what He chooses." "So, in the long run, God always wins?" "Yes, in the short run though it can be uncomfortable." humorous sister-carlotta inspirational Orson Scott Card
4e9efcb ... a metaphor ... is like lying but more decorative. humorous Terry Pratchett
cc75821 "Tyson dropped the two warriors he was about to tie into a knot and jogged after us. He jumped on the centaur's back. 'Dude!' the centaur groaned, almost buckling under Tyson's weight. 'Do the words "low-carb diet" mean anything to you?" humorous diet tyson Rick Riordan
8cbf741 "Save yourselves!" Percy warned. "It is too late for us!" Then he gasped and pointed to the spot where Frank was hiding. "oh no! Frank is turning into a crazy dolphin!" Nothing happened. "I said," Percy repeated, "Frank is turning into a crazy dolphin." Frank stumbled out of nowhere, making a big show of grabbing his throat. "oh no," he said, like he was reading from a teleprompter, "I am turning into a crazy dolphin." humorous percy-jackson frank-zhang Rick Riordan
d5fba66 He stands confidently in his hot pink mankini. When I told him it was the only suit left, he literally shrugged and put it on. Tan skin, ripped abs and stylish wayfarers- he instantly looked cool even wearing that damn thing. And the girls playing water volleyball even gawked at his ass humorous ryke-meadows loren-hale Krista Ritchie
1bacc3c It was not that he was feckless, more that he had simply not been around the day they handed out feck. humorous wordplay Neil Gaiman
feb62a9 "Yeah, my father is an egotistical douchebag," he says roughly. "My name literally means Jonathan empire." humorous ryke-meadows Krista Ritchie
c0e3c77 (About sweeping).... What he was in FACT doing was moving the dirt around with a broom, to give it a change of scenery and a chance to make new friends. irony humorous laughable ironic Terry Pratchett
92e4956 "Oh, that's just Thud! That's easy!" yapped a voice. Both men turned to look at Horsefry, who had been made perky by sheer relief. "I used to play it when I was a kid," he burbled. It's boring. The dwarfs always win!" Gilt and Vetinari shared a look. It said: While I loathe you and every aspect of your personal philosophy to a depth unplummable by any line, I'll credit you at least with not being Crispin Horsefry." hate humorous going-postal enemy loathing vetinari Terry Pratchett
b25cbc3 "Does the work get easier once you know what you are doing?" "Your lungs grow thick with stone dust and your eyes bleary from the sun and fragments thrown up by the chisel. You pour your lifeblood out into works of stone for Romans who will take your money in taxes to feed soldiers who will nail your people to crosses for wanting to be free. Your back breaks, your bones creak, your wife screeches at you, and your children torment you with open begging mouths, like greedy baby birds in the nest. You go to bed every night so tired and beaten that you pray to the Lord to send the angel of death to take you in your sleep so you don't have to face another morning. It also has its downside." humorous work physical-labor Christopher Moore
1c367ea "Verily, for nine hundred years have I lost. Everyone I knew is dead, the empire gone, and who knows in what state the world is left. Should what thy sister reports prove true, much hath changed in the world." "By the way," Royce mentioned, "No one uses the words or anymore and certainly not , , or ." humorous humor riyria language Michael J. Sullivan
1f37dbe "We were encouraged to propose safetyprevention suggestions, and write them all down-- locking doors, walking or exercising with a friend, wearing shoes that don't hinder running. Erin's suggestion of "Avoid assholes" was popular." girl-power humorous self-defense Tammara Webber
f9a42e2 Seedy wasn't a fair description for the place, because seeds imply eventual regrowth and renewal. humorous Jim Butcher
018a0fb I'm going to have to give him shit for all this,' Shane said, as he wandered around. 'He lives alone and makes his bed? Who does that?' 'People who like things neat?' 'Its not natural. humorous humor shane-collins Rachel Caine
a4e86a5 [Artemis] returned to the aft bay for Mulch's version of a briefing. The dwarf had drawn a crude diagram on a backlit wall panel. In fairness, there were more artistic chimpanzees. And less pungent ones. Mulch was using a carrot as a pointer, or more accurately, several carrots. Dwarfs liked carrots. 'This is Koboi Labs,' He mumbled around a mouthful of vegetable. 'That?' exclaimed Root. 'I realize, Julius, that it is not an accurate schematic.' The Commander exploded from his chair. 'An accurate schematic? It's a rectangle for heaven's sake!' Mulch was unperturbed. 'That's not important. This is the important bit.' 'That wobbly line?' 'It's a fissure,' pouted the dwarf. 'Anybody can see that.' 'Anybody in kindergarten maybe. So it's a fissure, so what?' 'This is the clever bit. Y'see that fissure is not usually there.' Root began strangling the air again. Something he was doing more and more lately. humorous humor diagram dwarf Eoin Colfer
472aaef (About a cookbook...) - What about this one? Maids of Honor? - Weeelll, they starts OUT as Maids of Honor...but they ends up Tarts. humorous humor retort witty satire funny-and-random wit Terry Pratchett
e209332 There was only one thing about his own appearance which really pleased Hercule Poirot, and that was the profusion of his moustaches, and the way they responded to grooming and treatment and trimming. They were magnificent. He knew of nobody else who had any moustache half as good. humorous moustaches mustaches poirot hercule-poirot Agatha Christie
fbd9a44 She wore so much thick white makeup in order to conceal her naturally rosy complexion that if she turned around suddenly her face would probably end up on the back of her head. humorous humor Terry Pratchett
db28e06 "In Wilson's scale of evaluations breakfast rated just after life itself and ahead of the chance of immortality." ~ By His Bootstraps / Robert A. Heinlein" humorous John W. Campbell Jr.
2138041 "What do they say about meeting a bear in the woods? Oh right, you shouldn't. And to make sure you don't, you should make a lot of noise so that they'll will know where you are and keep their distance because, supposedly, they're as nervous of us as we are of them. Which is all goo, except this bear doesn't seem the least bit nervous. He's giving me a look like I'm Goldilocks, ate his porridge, broke his chair, slept in his bed, and now it's payback time."- Widdershins" humorous fairytales Charles de Lint
5d84dc7 "In Wilson's scale of evaluations breakfast rated just after life itself and ahead of the chance of immortality." ~ By His Bootstraps / Robert A. Heinlein" -- humorous John W. Campbell Jr.
4aff53a She gave me another of those long keen looks, and I could see that she was again asking herself if her favourite nephew wasn't steeped to the tonsils in the juice of the grape. humorous wodehouse P.G. Wodehouse
c766305 "May my hands fall from my wrists before I kill an artist like yourself," said the man in black. "I would as soon destroy da Vinci. However"--and here he clubbed Inigo's head with the butt of his sword--"since I can't have you following me either, please understand that I hold you in the highest respect." humorous inigo-montoya wesley fencing William Goldman
161fb21 "He dragged me back - just in time. A tree had crashed down on to the side walk, just missing us. Poirot stared at it, pale and upset. "It was a near thing that! But clumsy, all the same - for I had no suspicion - at least hardly any suspicion. Yes, but for my quick eyes, the eyes of a cat, Hercule Poirot might now be crushed out of existence - a terrible calamity for the world. And you, too, mon ami - though that would not be such a national catastrophe." "Thank you," I said coldly." humorous Agatha Christie
d3319e9 "When Grandma Mazur is talking about the reason for the improved play of her 91-year-old bowling teammate, she said: "She's doing better now that we got her the longer tubing to her oxygen tank." humorous Janet Evanovich
95337fb Meaning 'by way of the anus'. 'Per Annum', with two n's, means 'yearly'. The correct answer to the question, 'What is the birthrate per anum?' is zero (one hopes). humorous Mary Roach
14d9aa2 "The lieutenant's fooling around again with the telegraph girl at the station," said the corporal, after he had gone. "He's been running after her for a fortnight and he's always frightfully furious when he comes from the telegraph office and he says about her: "She's a whore. She won't sleep with me!" humorous Jaroslav Hašek
8f18af3 It would take more than long-stemmed roses to change my view that you're a despicable cowardy custard and a disgrace to a proud family. Your ancestors fought in the Crusades and were often mentioned in despatches, and you cringe like a salted snail at the thought of appearing as Santa Claus before an audience of charming children who wouldn't hurt a fly. It's enough to make an aunt turn her face to the wall and give up the struggle. humorous wodehouse P.G. Wodehouse
fdeb837 Possession of the box conferred a kind of power on the wielder--which was that anyone, confronted with the hypnotic glass eye, would submissively obey the most peremptory orders about stance and expression. humorous Terry Pratchett
62c1399 It is not true that the English invented cricket as a way of making all other human endeavors look interesting and lively; that was merely an unintended side effect. humorous humour Bill Bryson
57f3c4e "And I was all, "Don't be gross, you crustacious fuck. You pull that thing out and I'll pepper-spray you until you fry." (You have to be stern with weenie waggers--I've been exposed to on the bus over seventeen times, so I know.)" humorous Christopher Moore
743ecbd It's not polite to ask if a man has a big salami in his pants, okay? humorous Kevin Hearne
9eff96c The Lord turned water into wine. All I'm suggesting is a trip to the grocery store. humorous Jodi Picoult
2275c46 The dweam of wuv wapped wiffin the gweater dweam of everwasting west. Eternity is our fwiend, wemember that, and wuv wiw fowwow you fowever. humorous prince-humperdinck wedding William Goldman
2ae14a3 Adventuring turned out to be boring. Zach thought back to all the fantasy books he'd read where a team of questers traveled overland, and realized a few things. First he'd pictured himself with a loyal steed that would have done most of the walking, so he hadn't anticipated the blister forming on his left heel or the tiny pebble that seemed to have worked its way under his sock, so that even when he stripped off his sneaker he couldn't find it. He hadn't thought about how hot the sun would be either. When he put together his bunch of provisions, he never thought about bringing sunblock. Aragorn never wore sunblock. Taran never wore sunblock. Percy never wore sunblock. But despite all that precedent for going without, he was pretty sure his nose would be lobster-red the next time he looked in the mirror. He was thirsty, too, something that happened a lot in books, but his dry throat bothered him more than it had ever seemed to bother any character. And, unlike in books where random brigands and monsters jumped out just when things got unbearably dull, there was nothing to fight except for the clouds of gnats, several of which Zach was pretty sure he'd accidentally swallowed. humorous reality fantasy Holly Black
1016a52 Two things never mix: one is enchantments and the other is meddling with them. humorous magic meddling Lloyd Alexander
31e7167 "Don't be so damned patronizing. Your performance so far has been a little less than dazzling." "I didn't mean no harm," I said and kissed her. "That a new dress?" "Ah! Changing the subject, you coward." humorous funny patronizing coward Dashiell Hammett
0b9c4a3 "Connie, giving her thoughts on why Vinnie's hot temper is less than normal, says: "Lucille must have fed him a Vallium smoothie this morning." humorous vinnie Janet Evanovich
ec318e2 "Kissing Red must've killed off some of your brain cells," Ryder decided. "You can tell a woman what to do---if you play it right---and maybe, half the time she'd do it, or something close to it. That's a live woman. A dead one? I figure that's closer to zero." humorous women Nora Roberts
b7d8afa The tiny space, the toilet, two hundred strangers just a few inches away, it's so exciting, the lack of room to maneuver, it helps if you're double-jointed. Use your imagination. Some creativity and a few simple stretching exercises and you can be knock, knock, knockin' on heaven's door. You'll be amazed how time flies. sex humorous Chuck Palahniuk
e08c81e "He's gaining on us," the Turk said. "That is also inconceivable," the Sicilian said. "Before I stole this boat we're in, I made many inquiries as to what was the fastest ship on all of Florin Channel and everyone agreed it was this one." "You're right," the Turk agreed, staring back. "He isn't gaining on us. He's just getting closer, that's all." humorous vizzini William Goldman
d8f887f "I'm going to use them to track him down and thwart him." "Thwart?" Sarissa asked. "Thwart." I said. "To prevent someone from accomplishing something by means of visiting gratuitous violence upon his smarmy person." "I'm pretty sure that isn't the definition," Sarissa said. "It is today." humorous thwart Jim Butcher
045e85d There were, however, a few exceptions. One was Norma Dodsworth, the poet, who had not unpleasantly drunk but had been sensible enough to pass out before any violent action proved necessary. He had been deposited, not very gently, on the lawn, where it was hoped that a hyena would give him a rude awakening. For all practical purposes he could, therefore, be regarded as absent. humorous funny drink drunk Arthur C. Clarke
df4e433 "The first of 'Goose's Two Laws of Survival.' It runs thus, 'The weak are meat the strong do eat.' " ... Henry grinned in the dark & cleared his throat. "The second law of survival states that there is no second law. Eat or be eaten. That's it." humorous life David Mitchell
008ab0a That's how hospitals get you. You go in to visit and before you know it they got a camera stuck up your butt and they're looking' to find poloponies. humorous Janet Evanovich
3c0787b Pantheism is sexed-up atheism. Deism is watered-down theism. humorous deism pantheism theism Richard Dawkins
98a91f8 The Germans had a word for everything--a word that could be very focused, very specific, because it could be constructed for a precise set of circumstances. They even had a word, it was said, for the feeling of envy experienced when one sees the tasty dishes ordered by others in a restaurant and it is too late to change one's own order. , meal envy, she believed that was the word--if it existed at all. ... could well catch on because many are bound to have felt that sort of envy as the waiter carries the dishes of others, gorgeously tantalising, past their own table.... meal-envy restaurant-dining restaurant-meal humorous Alexander McCall Smith
2f8fb90 In this, then, lies their power of understanding--understanding, without words, what is authentic or inauthentic. Thus it was the grimaces, the histrionisms, the false gestures and, above all, the false tones and cadences of the voice, which rang false for those wordless but immensely sensitive patients. It was to these (for them) most glaring, even grotesque, incongruities and improprieties that my aphasic patients responded, undeceived and undeceivable by words. This is why they laughed at the President's speech. humorous political politics ronald-reagan Oliver Sacks
acde2f8 "You always do good ones. We trust you, Mr. Duke," Says Dylan. Foolish lads, thinks Felix: never trust a professional ham." -- humorous Margaret Atwood
3af5b2a A woman calls from Seaview to say her linen closet is missing. Last September, her house had six bedrooms, two linen closets. She's sure of it. Now she's only got one. She comes to open her beach house for the summer. She drives out from the city with the kids and the nanny and the dog, and here they are with all heir luggage, and their towels are gone. Disappeared. Poof. Bermuda triangulated. humorous disappearance Chuck Palahniuk
1da90c7 "People don't tend to employ me. I'm the wrong personality type. Or rather, people do tend to employ me for a short time and then they sack me. A film broker once told me, as she terminated my contract, that I have a misleading sort of face. "You're pretty", she complained. "Your features are symmetrical and there was an article in Grazia that says human beings are programmed to find those with symmetrical features more pleasing to they eye. So this isn't my fault, I was simply responding to a biological imperative. You've even teeth, so when you smile, you look...sweet, I suppose. But you're not, are you?" "I hope not," I said. "You see, there you go again. You're a smart-arse and you've no ability to filter your thoughts---" "And my thoughts are often abrasive." "Exactly." "I'll just get my brushes and sponges and leave." "If you would." humorous turn-of-phrase way-with-words Marian Keyes
d876af7 "Diesel sucked air. "You keep fondling me like that, and I might have to marry you." "I'm not fondling you. I'm looking for the keys!" "Could you look a little more gently? You're scaring my boys." humorous humor Janet Evanovich
e5d459e Earlier maps had underestimated the distances to other continents and exaggerated the outlines of individual nations. Now global dimensions could be set, with authority, by the celestial spheres. Indeed, King Louis XIV of France, confronted with a revised map of his domain based on accurate longitude measurements, reportedly complained that he was losing more territory to his astronomers than to his enemies. humorous king-louis-xiv cartology longitude france Dava Sobel
6c787c4 They were Republicans, Nixon Republicans, and so didn't subscribe to the notion that laws are supposed to apply to all people equally. humorous political politics Bill Bryson
9626d75 Do we have a hand mirror?' I asked from the kitchen doorway. 'Never use one,' said Lester, examining the date on a carton of sour cream. 'Naturally, you're a male. What you see is what you've got,' I said resentfully. 'Huh?' said Lester. woman humorous funny hand-mirror resentful sour-cream teenage-boy genitals teenage-girl sibling confusion brother weird girl random gross mirror sexuality Phyllis Reynolds Naylor
edf3446 "You took your clothes off?" "You didn't notice?" "No! Jeez Louise, I don't even know you." "If you look under the covers, you'll know me better." "I don't want to know you better!" "That's a big fib," Diesel said." humorous humor love wicked-appetite Janet Evanovich
e4a5dd8 "How's the blood-stream, my dear, invaluable little woman? How's the blood-stream?"... "It's quite comfortable, sir...I think, sir, thank you."... "Aha!"..."a comfortable stream, is it? Aha! v-e-r-y good. V-e-r-y good. Dawdling 'twixt hill and hill, no doubt. Meandering through groves of bone, threading the tissues and giving what sustenance it can to your dear old body...I am glad. But in your - right deep down in your - how do you feel? Carnally speaking, are you at peace - from the dear grey hairs of your head to the patter of your little feet - are you at peace?" "What does he mean, dear?" said poor Mrs. Slagg, clutching Fuschia's arm.... "He wants to know if you feel well or not." humorous nannie Mervyn Peake
aeeefb0 "This was different. He didn't want a woman. He wanted her. And he supposed that if he had to spend the afternoon being strange, sad, and disfigured just to be in her company, it would be well worth it. Then he remembered the wart. He turned to Miss Wynter and said firmly, "I am not getting a wart." Really, a man had to draw the line somewhere." humorous warts Julia Quinn
2c497c1 "I refuse to give readers an uplifting faux experience engineered to comfort them and perpetuate the sociopolitical and economic status quo." "Who died and made you Bertolt Brecht?" humorous writing Chuck Palahniuk
79d8216 It's not a remarkable note except for one thing. The typeface Tony used to print it is the exact typeface Kubrick used for the posters and title sequences of 'Eyes Wide Shut' and '2001'. 'It's Futura Extra Bold,' explains Tony. 'It was Stanley's favorite typeface. It's sans serif. He liked Helvetica and Univers too. Clean and elegant.' 'Is this the kind of thing you and Kubrick used to talk about?' I asked. 'God, yes,' says Tony. 'Sometimes late into the night. I was always trying to persuade him to turn away from them. But he was wedded to his sans serifs. humorous futura futura-extra-bold helvetica stanley-kubrick stanley-kubrick-s-boxes typeface univers Jon Ronson
b3d45bb Stella explained that when he had arrived, because of his English accent, she had assumed that he was me, and had asked where his fridge was. She didn't tell me what his reply was, and we can only hazard a guess, but I was impressed that he had been prepared to stay the night. It is surely a brave man who goes ahead and checks into an establishment where the first question is 'Where's your fridge?'. Especially if, as he had done, you had arrived by motorcycle. humorous Tony Hawks
97c866a Where would we be without our painful childhoods? pain humorous depression past humor sad-but-true sad trauma psychology Rebecca McNutt
2762356 He says in his defence he never meddled with married women, only with virgins. humorous gender-stereotypes Hilary Mantel
91458e4 Mr Kingsley begins then by exclaiming- 'O the chicanery, the wholesale fraud, the vile hypocrisy, the conscience-killing tyranny of Rome! We have not far to seek for an evidence of it. There's Father Newman to wit: one living specimen is worth a hundred dead ones. He, a Priest writing of Priests, tells us that lying is never any harm.' I interpose: 'You are taking a most extraordinary liberty with my name. If I have said this, tell me when and where.' Mr Kingsley replies: 'You said it, Reverend Sir, in a Sermon which you preached, when a Protestant, as Vicar of St Mary's, and published in 1844; and I could read you a very salutary lecture on the effects which that Sermon had at the time on my own opinion of you.' I make answer: 'Oh...NOT, it seems, as a Priest speaking of Priests-but let us have the passage.' Mr Kingsley relaxes: 'Do you know, I like your TONE. From your TONE I rejoice, greatly rejoice, to be able to believe that you did not mean what you said.' I rejoin: 'MEAN it! I maintain I never SAID it, whether as a Protestant or as a Catholic.' Mr Kingsley replies: 'I waive that point.' I object: 'Is it possible! What? waive the main question! I either said it or I didn't. You have made a monstrous charge against me; direct, distinct, public. You are bound to prove it as directly, as distinctly, as publicly-or to own you can't.' 'Well,' says Mr Kingsley, 'if you are quite sure you did not say it, I'll take your word for it; I really will.' My WORD! I am dumb. Somehow I thought that it was my WORD that happened to be on trial. The WORD of a Professor of lying, that he does not lie! But Mr Kingsley reassures me: 'We are both gentlemen,' he says: 'I have done as much as one English gentleman can expect from another.' I begin to see: he thought me a gentleman at the very time he said I taught lying on system... humorous satire John Henry Newman
759f694 I need you to get inside Wayne's head. I need someone who thinks a bit left field and in your own unpleasant way, Helen Walsh, you're a genius. He had a point. I'm lazy and illogical. I've limited people skills. I'm easily bored and easily irritated. But I have moments of brilliance. They come and they go and I can't depend on them but they do happen. humorous turn-of-phrase Marian Keyes
8388289 He had spoken with such absolute confidence that I knew he had to be blowing this out of his rectal orifice. humorous humor Neal Stephenson
2491a66 Fo'. Shiz. humorous Stephanie Perkins
0594adb "Shergahn and friend lay like poleaxed steers, and the Daranfelian's greasy hair was thick with potatoes, carrots, gravy, and chunks of beef. His companion had less stew in his hair, but an equally large lump was rising fast, and Brandark flipped his improvised club into the air, caught it in proper dipping position, and filled it once more from the pot without even glancing at them. He raised the ladle to his nose, inhaled deeply, and glanced at the cook with an impudent twitch of his ears. "Smells delicious," he said while the laughter started up all around the fire. "I imagine a bellyful of this should help a hungry man sleep. Why, just look what a single ladle of it did for Shergahn!" laughter sleep good humorous defeat funny humor lump steer yummy stew triumph delicious shame bully food David Weber
c1094a8 They were even talking about buying a bodyguard, can you believe it? I mean, what on earth would I look like, turning up with a bodyguard? Actually, I'd look pretty cool and mysterious, wouldn't I? That might have been quite a good idea. laughter humorous witty Sophie Kinsella
518d0fe You do not know the madness of scholarly curiosity, Mr Webster. To be interested, and at the same time disinterested... humorous humour scholarly scholars scholarship Muriel Spark
63080d5 I jumped up and down and swore violently in seventeen languages. humorous iron-druid-chronicles humorous-quotes Kevin Hearne
88d612f Malory! You've got a chipmunk on your pussy! humorous funny humor Tamara Thorne
3e7eef6 Comment, Mademoiselle? Vous appelles cela betrugen? Corriger la fortune, l'enchainer sous ses doits, etre sur de son fait, das nenn die Deutsch betrugen? betrugen! O, was ist die deutsch Sprak fur ein arm Sprak! fur ein plump Sprak! humorous funny german Gotthold Ephraim Lessing
bf91195 "Joe Lon and Willard slipped out of their shirts. Willard flipped over and walked around in the dirt on his hands. Joe Lon took the bottle of whiskey out of his back pocket, set it carefully on the step of the Winnebago, checking out Susan Gender's red pants again as he did. Then he went into a steady handstand and did six dips, his nose just short of the dirt each time he went down. They both came off their hands and looked at Duffy. "I'm impressed," said Duffy, shortly. "What the hell are you, gymnasts?" "Drunks," said Joe Lon picking up the bottle." humorous fitness Harry Crews
df6be01 Arguing whether or not God exists is like fleas arguing whether or not the dog exists. Arguing over the correct name of God is like fleas arguing over the name of the dog. And arguing over whose notion of God is correct is like fleas arguing over who owns the dog. humorous humour spirituality humor-inspirational spirituality-quotes Robert Fulghum
c80622b ...I'll tell you something else too; by the time we're through we shall have had all we can stand of this North woman. I wouldn't mind betting she thinks we have nothing better to do than run around in circles while she gets on with this three-act problem play of hers. murder humorous Georgette Heyer
9986176 And then I laugh, because it's so ridiculous and so gorgeous and it's all I can do to not melt into a fit of giggles. [...] If they're willing to accept me and my guilty conscience, why the hell shouldn't I run away with the circus? humorous running-away Sara Gruen
1ebaa7f Tally really didn't have the strength to explain that she'd really meant her hangover, which was sprawled in her head like an overweight cat, sullen and squishy and disinclined to budge. humorous humor scott-westerfeld tally-youngblood distopia hangover Scott Westerfeld
25a1891 OK. The trick is when you've said something embarrassing by mistake is not to overreact. Instead, keep your chin up and pretend nothing happened. humorous humor-inspirational Sophie Kinsella
81efbef Well, thank the gods,' he sighed. 'Oh? And what would it be you're thanking them for?' Bahzell inquired, and Brandark grinned. 'For making roads and letting us find one. Not that I'm complaining, you understand, but this business of following you cross-country without the faintest idea where I am can worry a man. humorous worried road roads worry thankful lost David Weber
65ee9e7 "Ha um morcego de papel da festa das bruxas pendurado num cordao acima de sua cabeca; ele levanta o braco e da um piparote no morcego, que comeca a girar. - Dia de outono bem agradavel - continua ele. Fala um pouco do jeito como papai costumava falar, voz alta, selvagem mesmo, mas nao se parece com papai; papai era um indio puro de Columbia - um chefe - e duro e brilhante como uma coronha de arma. Esse cara e ruivo, com longas costeletas vermelhas, e um emaranhado de cachos saindo por baixo do bone, esta precisando de dar um corte no cabelo ha muito tempo, e e tao robusto quanto papai era alto, queixo, ombros e peitos largos, um largo sorriso diabolico, muito branco e e duro de uma maneira diferente do que papai era, mais ou menos do jeito que uma bola de beisebol e dura sob o couro gasto. Uma cicatriz lhe atravessa o nariz e uma das macas do rosto, o luga em que alguem o acertou numa briga, e os pontos ainda estao no corte. Ele fica de pe ali, esperando, e, quando ninguem toma a iniciativa de lhe responder alguma coisa, comeca a rir. Ninguem e capaz de dizer exatamente por que ele ri; nao ha nada de engracado acontecendo. Mas nao e da maneira como aquele Relacoes Publicas ri, e um riso livre e alto que sai da sua larga boca e se espalha em ondas cada vez maiores ate ir de encontro as paredes por toda a ala. Nao como aquele riso do gordo Relacoes Publicas . Este som e verdadeiro. Eu me dou conta de repente de que e a primeira gargalhada que ouco ha anos. Ele fica de pe, olhando para nos, balancando-se para tras nas botas , e ri e ri. Cruza os dedos sobre a barriga sem tirar os polegares dos bolsos. Vejo como suas maos sao grandes e grossas. Todo mundo na ala, pacientes, pessoal e o resto, esta pasmo e abobalhado diante dele e da sua risada. Nao ha qualquer movimento para faze-lo parar, nenhuma iniciativa para dizer alguma coisa. Ele entao interrompe a risada, por algum tempo, e vem andando, entrando na enfermaria. Mesmo quando nao esta rindo, aquele ressoar do seu riso paira a sua volta, da mesma maneira com o som paira em torno de um grande sino que acabou de ser tocado - esta em seus olhos, na maneira como sorri, na maneira como fala. [1] - Meu nome e McMurphy, companheiros, R. P. McMurphy, e sou um jogador idiota. - Ele pisca o olho e canta um pedacinho de uma cancao : - .... " e sempre eu ponho ... meu dinheiro ... na mesa " - e ri de novo." humorous humor laughs mental-illness Ken Kesey
6621de1 Just beyond the edge of our property in 1985 a farmer crossing a field found a rare, impossible-to-misconstrue Roman phallic pendant. To me this was, and remains, an amazement: the idea of a man in a toga, standing on what is now the edge of my land, patting himself all over, and realizing with consternation that he has lost his treasured keepsake, which then lay in the soil for seventeen or eighteen centuries - through endless generations of human activity; through the rise of the English language, the birth of the English nation, the development of continuous monarch and all the rest - before finally being picked up by a late-twentieth-century farmer, presumably with a look of consternation of his own. humorous Bill Bryson
4a23e22 The bar lights glittered on the wet pavement, and jazz wailed out of the open doors of the bars, collinding with the more discordant, driving beats coming from the strip joints, where bored-looking dancers, both male and female, gyrated their hips and humped poles and pretended to be sexy. humorous Linda Howard
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