Site uses cookies to provide basic functionality.

OK
1 2 3 4 5 ▲ ▼
Link Quote Stars Tags Author
240ad47 "But Amy," Elder says. "Space suits!" funny Beth Revis
56377b0 "I'm way hot," he muttered. "But I don't feel sick. Just -- way hot." Fang" funny James Patterson
07d121d POZZO: I am blind. (Silence.) ESTRAGON: Perhaps he can see into the future. funny future humor pessimism Samuel Beckett
67b6cdf "Does it hurt?" He bent his head and lightly kissed her forehead. "Only when I laugh." "I'll try not to be funny." "Epic fail, beautiful." funny shane-collins sweet Rachel Caine
0d1aec9 "He slowed down a bit more. "Gaia, how do you know these things?" She shrugged. "I'm smart." "And modest, too." "Modesty is a waste of time," she pronounced. "I'll keep that in mind." fearless funny modesty Francine Pascal
d287d37 "Shane, in case we don't ... don't come out of this, I wanted to say..." He glanced over at her, and she felt her whole body warm from it. She remembered that look. It made her feel naked inside and out, but not in a creepy kind of way. In a way that felt.... Free. "If what you say is true, and I guess it has to be, I think I know why we're ... together," he said. "I think I'd fall for you no matter what, Claire. You're kind of awesome." eve-rosser funny ghost-town humor michael-glass morganville-vampires myrnin rachel-caine shane-collins teacher vampire vampires Rachel Caine
1c6b47e You can't kill us all, human.' He was right. I raised the machine gun a little. 'True, but who's going to be first in line? bad-ass funny Laurell K. Hamilton
4b9f87e sometimes when everything seems at its worst when all conspires and gnaws and the hours, days, weeks years seem wasted - stretched there upon my bed in the dark looking upward at the ceiling i get what many will consider an obnoxious thought: it's still nice to be Bukowski. ego funny ironic irony obnoxious poem poetry Charles Bukowski
667905f Nothing like having a warrant for your execution to get a girl motivated. funny Maria V. Snyder
4c415d4 "Green Lantern: "What are your powers anyway? You can't fly." Batman: "No." Green Lantern: "Super-strength?" Batman: "No." Green Lantern: "Hold on a second... You're not just some guy in a bat costume, are you? Are you freaking kidding me?!" funny green-lantern justice-league superheroes Geoff Johns
0f48672 I watch the Eruptions. Mount Dad, long dormant, now considered armed and dangerous. Mount Saint Mom, oozing lava, spitting flame. Warn the villagers to run into the sea. funny Laurie Halse Anderson
b7950e6 "I paid, got up, walked to the door, opened it. I heard the man say, "that guy's nuts." out on the street I walked north feeling curiously honored." crazy death funny honor irony life mental poem poetry self soul Charles Bukowski
406ba4d "Dwarfs were not a naturally religious species, but in a world where pit props could crack without warning and pockets of fire damp could suddenly explode they'd seen the need for gods as the sort of supernatural equivalent of a hard hat. Besides, when you hit your thumb with an eight-pound hammer it's nice to be able to blaspheme. It takes a very special and strong-minded kind of atheist to jump up and down with their hand clasped under their other armpit and shout, "Oh, random-fluctuations-in-the-space-time-continuum!" or "Aaargh, primitive-and-outmoded-concept on a crutch!" funny humour religion Terry Pratchett
497c281 "Yeah," said Harry. "No more pretending we care what happens when Jupiter and Uranus get too friendly . . ." "And from now on, I don't care if my tea leaves spell -- I'm just chucking them in the bin where they belong." funny harry-potter o-w-l-s ron-weasley J.K. Rowling
b016b77 "How'd you get to be so good at this?" "I had a good teacher." "Better not have been Myrnin or I'll have to kick his predatory ass." "I mean you, dummy." "Oh." funny ghost-town humor morganville-vampires myrnin rachel-caine shane-collins teacher vampire vampires Rachel Caine
8e54510 "Yeah, I get it; you're a vampire," she said. "Creepy. And okay, a little hot, I admit." "You don't mean that." "Come on. I still like you, you know, even if you... crave plasma." Michael blinked and looked at her as if he had never seen her before. "You what?" "Like. You." Eve enunciated slowly, as if Michael might not know the words. "Idiot. I always have. What, you didn't know?" Eve sounded cool and grown-up about it, but Claire saw the hectic color in her cheeks, under the makeup. "How clueless are you? Does it come with the fangs?" "I guess I... I just thought... Hell. I just didn't think... You're kind of intimidating, you know." "I'm intimidating? Me? I run like a rabbit from trouble, mostly," Eve said. "It's all show and makeup. You're the one who's intimidating. I mean, come on. All that talent, and you look... Well, you know how you look." " How do I look?" He sounded fascinated now, and he'd actually moved a little closer to Eve on the couch. She laughed. "Oh come on. You're a total model-babe." "You're kidding." "You don't think you are?" He shook his head. "Then you're kind of an idiot, Glass. Smart, but and idiot." Eve crossed her arms. "So? What exactly do you think about me, except that I'm intimidating?" "I think you're...you're...ah, interesting?" Michael was amazingly bad at this, Claire thought, but then he saved it by looking away and continuing. "I think you're beautiful. And really, really strange." Eve smiled and looked down, and that looked like a real blush, under the rice powder. "Thanks for that, " she said, "I never thought you knew I existed, or if you did, that you thought I was anything but Shane's bratty freak friend." "Well, to be fair, you are Shane's bratty freak friend." "Hey!" "You can be bratty and beautiful," Michael said. "I think it's interesting." eve-rosser funny ghost-town humor michael-glass morganville-vampires myrnin rachel-caine shane-collins teacher vampire vampires Rachel Caine
15decb8 All right I think we've been down here in the dark long enough. There's a whole other world upstairs. Take my hand, Constant Reader, and I'll be happy to lead you back into the sunshine. I'm happy to go there because I believe most people are essentially good. I know that I am. It's you I'm not entirely sure of. funny good-and-evil light Stephen King
deeeb6c "Shigure Sohma: So anyway I was wondering if you could stop by the house and take a look at Tohru's cut. That is if it isn't a problem. Hatori Sohma: No problem. I'll stop by the house this evening. Shigure Sohma: Hmmm What's this Hatori I don't think I ever heard you sound so eager to come over. Could it be you have a secret crush on Tohru [long silence from the other end of the phone] Shigure Sohma: [shouts] I knew it You naughty naughty man you dog dragon fruits-basket funny hatori lol shigure tohru Natsuki Takaya
ca2ea72 "Hatsuharu Sohma: [after tripping Kyo] If I hadn't had tripped you, you wouldn't have stopped now would you. [addressing the audience] funny Natsuki Takaya
54e5559 "-"He loved her...It was noble of him. It was beautiful." -"It was stupid." -- comedy comical funny humor humorous ironic satire sharp witty Lloyd Alexander
75aef9b I love my pizza so much, in fact, that I have come to believe in my delirium that my pizza might actually love me, in return. I am having a relationship with this pizza, almost an affair. funny Elizabeth Gilbert
60dc4e0 Our problems started in Dallas, when the fire-breathing sheep destroyed the King Tut exhibit. destruction earthquakes floods funny funny-and-random giant-snake humour ra rebellious riordan riots sadie-kane serpent snake sun survive tornado tsunamis Rick Riordan
7a60ba9 "I brought you some coffee." he held out the cup but she waved it away. "I hate that stuff. It tastes like feet." At that he smiled. "How would you know what feet taste like?" "I just know." -Luke and Clary, pg.209-" coffee food-critics funny luke Cassandra Clare
87f09f3 "Just so you know, I get incredibly bored quite easily and you will be forced to be my source of entertainment. You'll kind of be like my own personal jester." I flipped him off. "Well that wasn't funny at all." deacon funny sarcasm Jennifer L. Armentrout
dcd581f "Claire found herself staring at his feet, which were in bunny slippers. Myrnin looked down. "What?" he asked. "They're quite comfortable." He lifted on to look at it, and the ears wobbled in the air. "Of course they are," she said. Just when she thought Myrnin was getting his mental act together, he'd do something like that. Or maybe he was just messing with her. He liked to do that, and his dark eyes were fixed on her now, assessing just how weirded-out she was. Which, on the grade scale of zero to Myrnin, wasn't much." funny lol morganville-vampires vamps Rachel Caine
186e999 "He laughs. "Put some clothes on so you don't scare poor Kiara with your morning hard-on." I look down at my shorts. Sure enough, I've got la tengo dura in front of Kiara and Tuck. Shit. I reach out for the first thing I can grab and put it in front of me to shield myself from view. It happens to be one of Kiara's stuffed animals, but I don't have much choice right now. "That's Kiara's Mojo," Tuck says, laughing. "Get it? Mojo?" -- carlos-fuentes funny kiara kiara-westford perfect-chemistry rules-of-attraction simone-elkeles tuck Simone Elkeles
5405f23 I just don't believe in helping people who are going to torture me. Though I don't see any bamboo slivers. How can you possibly torture someone without bamboo slivers? bad-ass funny Laurell K. Hamilton
d534276 "Holly's forgiven you?" "Almost mostly. But she still gives me slack about it when she's sick. I take it as a husbandly badge," he said, puffing out his chest. "Sick? You told me she was fully immortal." "Yeah, but she still throws up some, because, well, the thing of it is... Ah, fuck, Rydstrom, I knocked her up." "You're going to be a father?" Gods help the world. I'm going to be an uncle? "I got Holly, like, on the first shot. Nix is calling me Bull's-eye and the Womb Raider." funny holly-s-pregnancy kresley-cole rydstrom Kresley Cole
281ac99 "Lief. That's not nice, considering all your sister has done for you," admonished Perl. "Oh right. How could I forget that she made me bait for a snake, left me on house arrest in Ixia, and smuggled me into the Keep in a coffin." funny lief Maria V. Snyder
8288fc1 "Thank you for helping my sister," he says. I lean forward, mimicking his position. "I'm happy to." Calliope leans out her window. "STOP FLIRTING AND GET BACK TO WORK." cricket flirt funny lola lola-and-the-boy-next-door stephanie-perkins window Stephanie Perkins
ac233ea What's the best part of being in Hermes cabin? Connor: You are never lonely. I mean seriously, new kids are always coming in. So you always have someone to talk to. Travis: Or prank. Connor: Or pickpocket. One big happy family. funny hermes-cabin Rick Riordan
3353b9c I've had so many bikini waxes, I cry every time I see a Popsicle stick. bikini-wax funny girl girls girly humor humour shaving Libba Bray
8a92b33 Life is better than death, I believe, if only because it is less boring, and because it has fresh peaches in it. death funny life peaches Alice Walker
32f3812 When in doubt, poke the beehive with a stick to see if anything interesting flies out. I clapped my hands. 'I had no idea Pit teams had such pretty cheerleaders. Can you do it again, but with more spirit this time? funny joke kate Ilona Andrews
902ced6 "Alright, good night," he said, his words a little slurred. "But before I pass out, I want you to know that you're the hottest biscuit this side of the gravy boat." funny hot humor love relationships sexy Erin McCarthy
4fd8986 Percy: I'll walk down to the cabins and Connor and Travis are stealing stuff from the camp store, and Silena is arguing with Annabeth trying to give her a new makeover, and Clarisse is still sticking the new kids' head into the toilets. It's nice that some things never change. everyone funny normal Rick Riordan
e412f71 Barzul! eldest eragon funny humor orik Christopher Paolini
37bcd42 Jason hated being an old man. funny heroes-of-olympus humor jason-grace Rick Riordan
a26e0e6 When Eve ate the apple her knowledge increased. But God liked dumb women so Paradise ceased. Gwen Goodnight. Her Work. funny goodnight gwen Jennifer Crusie
8a5ca00 "Sam's phone buzzed. She fished it out of her pocket, checked the screen, and cursed. "I have to go." "You just got here." "Valkyrie business. Possible code three-eight-one: heroic death in progress." "You're making that up." "I'm not." "So...what, somebody thinks they're about to die and they text you 'Going down! Need Valkyrie ASAP!' followed by a bunch of sad-face emojis?" funny humor humorous humorous-quotations humorous-quote humour Rick Riordan
f838c7f "I think so," she [Claire] said. "Just watch your back, okay?" "Nah, Michael's got mine." He [Shane] looked straight into her eyes. "I've got yours." eve-rosser funny ghost-town humor michael-glass morganville-vampires myrnin rachel-caine shane-collins vampire vampires Rachel Caine
e07a662 "Claire said. "I might be able to get him to stop." "Who, crazy dude? Maybe. Or he might pull your head off," Shane said. "I kind of worry." She couldn't help but smile. "Yeah?" "A little bit." "That's ...nice." He studied her, and returned the smile. "Yeah," he said. "Kind of is, actually." eve-rosser funny ghost-town humor michael-glass morganville-vampires myrnin rachel-caine shane-collins teacher vampire vampires Rachel Caine
e4a4dd3 I look like a biker slut from hell meets soldier of fortune pinup. funny Laurell K. Hamilton
8f29da2 What kind of person doesn't let you have gummi bears? funny Libba Bray
c02b522 Whispers followed me down the hall. Ignoring them was harder than I'd imagined. Every Cell in my body demanded that I confront them. And do what? Jump on them like a crazy spider monkey and take them all out? Yah, not going to win me any fans. funny Jennifer L. Armentrout
a293466 And my piece of advice is...don't flirt with any of the female instructors. They all have access to weapons bigger than yours. funny weapons Simone Elkeles
9dcdaed "Don't you want to know what cookies is a code word for?" "No! Good God, no!" cam code-word cookie cookies funny haha jennifer-l-armentrout wait-for-you Jennifer L. Armentrout
4e049b4 There wasn't a lot of bullshit in my heaven. funny life-quotes Alice Sebold
8777638 I wondered if I should start a small fire in Percy Jackson's sink, perhaps burn some bandages in thanks, but I decided that might strain that Jackson's hospitality. funny rick-riordan Rick Riordan
ba6ebc9 Travis: I didn't know they made permanent makeup. I looked like a clown for a month. Connor: Yeah. They put a curse on me so that no matter what I wore, my clothes were two sizes too small and I felt like a geek. Travis: You are a geek. funny twins Rick Riordan
37c3489 A poet or philosopher should have no fault to find with his age if it only permits him to do his work undisturbed in his own corner; nor with his fate if the corner granted him allows of his following his vocation without having to think about other people. funny misanthropy philosophy poets schopenhauer Arthur Schopenhauer
85cdab9 "Well, friend, I don't know about your tastes, but I tend to like it very bloody," Myrnin said. He shifted position, dragging Claire along like a rag doll without any effort at all. "Have we been introduced?" "Probably not. Why, are you asking me out, sweetheart?" "You're not my type, darling. Is this one yours?" "No," Frank said, and looked at Shane, just in a quick flicker. "Let's say she's a friend of the family." eve-rosser funny ghost-town humor michael-glass morganville-vampires myrnin rachel-caine shane-collins vampire vampires Rachel Caine
79489b7 "I'm faster than the rest of you, if .. Because I'm a vampire," Michael said, and it was some kind of breakthrough for him to say that. "If you get in trouble, I'll be there." "Nice," Shane said. "I'm warming up to this bloodsucking thing, Mikey." "No, you're not." "Okay, no, I'm not, but right now let's pretend I am." eve-rosser funny ghost-town humor michael-glass morganville-vampires myrnin rachel-caine shane-collins vampire vampires Rachel Caine
13004e9 "Yes," he said. "I am sure. I double-checked everything after you went home yesterday. I even made a few improvements, just in case." The first part of that reassured her. The second part... not so much. "What kind of improvements?" "Oh, nothing, really. Mostly just streamlining. You really did very well; I certainly don't want you to think that I am one of those people who has to be in control all the- Oh, well, I suppose that's actually true- I do have to be in control all the time. But only because I am in charge, of course." funny ghost-town humor morganville-vampires myrnin rachel-caine vampire vampires Rachel Caine
87388ad If they wanted their shit stirred, then stirred their shit was jolly well going to be. funny Stephen Clarke
2908524 "First blood is mine. funny lolz R.A. Salvatore
4fb1d8d Don't get stabbed. It makes everything awkward. awkward funny maureen-johnson shades-of-london Maureen Johnson
23dca8d I couldn't think of anything helpful to say, so I resorted to humor, my shield of last resort. 'Just please tell me they don't have a dog and a picket fence.' He smiled. 'No fence, but a dog, two dogs.' 'What kind of dogs?' I asked. He smiled and glanced at me, wanting to see my reaction. 'Maltese. Their names are Peeka and Boo.' 'Oh, shit, Edward, you're joking me.' 'Donna wants the dogs included in the engagement pictures.' I stared at him, and the look on my face seemed to amuse him. He laughed. 'I'm glad you're here, Anita, because I don't know a single other person who I'd have admitted this to. edward funny ted-forrester Laurell K. Hamilton
bd5455c Minutes passed by. A little blue butterfly landed on my nose. I blinked at it and it fluttered to my ear. A big yellow butterfly gently floated over and landed on my paw. Soon a whole swarm of them floated up and down around me, like a swirl of multicolored petals. It happened in my backyard, too, if the magic was strong enough. Butterflies were small and light, and very magic sensitive. For some reason I made them feel safe and they gravitated to me like iron shavings to a magnet. They ruined my ferocious badass image, but you'd have to be a complete beast to swat butterflies. If a baby deer frolicked out from between the buildings trying to cuddle up, I would roar. I wouldn't bite it, but I would roar. I had my limits. dali funny shapeshifter white-tiger Ilona Andrews
b2b2a9c "Do you see that man in the black Porsche?" I asked the women. They squinted out at Ranger. "Yes," they said."Your partner." "He's homeless. He's looking for a place to stay and he might be interested in renting Singh's room." Mrs.Apusenja's eyes widened. "We could use the income."She looked at Nonnie and then back at Ranger. "Is he married?" "Nope. He's single. He's a real catch." Connie did something between a gasp and a snort and buried her head back behind the computer. "Thank you for everything." Mrs.Apusenja said. "I suppose you are not such a bad slut. I will go talk to your partner.: "Omigod," Connie said, when the door closed behind the Apusenja's. "Ranger's going to kill you." The Apusenjas stood beside the Porsche, talkig to Ranger for a few long minutes, giving him the big sales pitch. The pitch wound down, Ranger responded, and Mrs. Apusenja looked disappointed. The two women crossed the road and got into the burgundy Escort and quickly drove away. Ranger turned his head in my direction and our eyes met. His expression was still bemused, but this time it was the sort of bemused expression a kid has when he's pulling the wings off a fly. "Uh-Oh,"Connie said. I whipped around and faced Connie. "Quick, give me an FTA. You're backed up, right? For God's sake, give me something fast. I need a reason to stand here until he calms down!" Connie shoved a pile of folders at me. "Pick one. Any one! Oh shit, he's getting out of his car.".... He leaned into me and his lips brushed the shell of my ear. "Feeling playful?" "I don't know what you're talking about." "Watch your back babe. I will get even." -Ranger and Stephanie" funny humor ranger stephanie-plum Janet Evanovich
e0b92ac You don't scare me, Cadence Jones. I've lived with crazy, I've ridden with crazy, I've vacationed with crazy, I've visited crazy in various hospitals, I've sat in on therapy sessions with crazy. Frankly, I think women who don't have major emotional disorders are really very dull. funny humor humour MaryJanice Davidson
1026198 "Kate stood by the door with her arms crossed. That was an anti-Curran pose. What the hell was the Beast Lord doing here? I padded to the door. "First, you didn't come home." Curran's voice held zero humor. "Second, I'm told that my mate is lingering in Raphael's house. There can't be any good reason for you to be here." "Are you spying on me, Your Furriness?" Kate asked." funny gunmetal-magic kate-daniels snark Ilona Andrews
1432142 "You know how I think they choose people for Gryffindor team?" said Malfoy loudly a few minutes later, as Snape awarded Hufflepuff another penalty for now reason at all. "It's people they feel sorry for. See, there's Potter, who's got no parents, then there's the Weasleys, who've got no money - you should be on the team, Longbottom, you've got no brains." funny longbottom malfoy neville J.K. Rowling
fd34f30 "[Kagura is doing laundry and tries to wring out Kyou's shirt causing it to rip in two ] Kyo Sohma: Tell me what I think just happened didn't just happen Kagura: My love ! fruits-basket funny kagura kyo Natsuki Takaya
467c2d1 I want to change my life...except I sort of like it. I mean, I couldn't be more delighted every Monday night after Fletch goes to bed when I come downstairs, pull up the Bachelor on TiVo, drink Riesling, and eat cheddar/port wine Kaukauna cheese without freakign out over fat grams. I'm perpetually in a good mood because I do everything I want. I love having the freedom to skip the gym to watch a Don Knots movie on the Disney Channel without a twinge of guilt. I've figured out how to not be beholden to what other people believe I should be doing, and when the world tells me I ought to be a size eight, I can thumb my nose at them in complete empowerment. funny weight Jen Lancaster
f354d7b pg. 231-232: They'd given me a minivan. They could have picked any car and they picked a minivan. A minivan. O God of the Vehicular Justice, why dost thou mock me? Minivan, you albatross around my neck! You mark of Cain! You wretched beast high ceilings and few horsepower! complaining funny graduation humor john-green laugh laughable minivan new new-car-reaction new-car-smell paper-towns reaction John Green
1bd5bb4 You were with Margo Roth Spiegelman last night? At THREE A.M.? I nodded. Alone? I nodded. Oh my God, if you hooked up with her, you have to tell me every single thing that happened. You have to write me a term paper on the look and feel of Margo Roth Spiegelman's breasts. Thrity pages, minimum! I want you to do a photo-realistic pencil drawing. A sculpture would also be acceptable. I was wondering if it would be possible for you to write a sestina about Margo Roth Spiegelman's breasts? Your six words are: pink, round, firmness, succulent, supple, and pillowy. Personally, I think at least one of the words should be buhbuhbuhbuh. breasts funny humor paper towns John Green
d02dbb5 "He raised his hand in a peaceful gesture. "You need to relax a bit, dove. Like Mouse over there. You trust me, don't you, Mouse?" "Nope!" "Ahhh, I'm hurt. Nobody likes me." funny julie kate kate-daniels magic-burns Ilona Andrews
bf40a79 "This is the biggest damn IPod I've ever seen," Claire said, which made him choke on his beer. "Kidding. I have seen a jukebox before." feast-of-fools funny humor rachel-caine shane-collins Rachel Caine
fd842d8 "You are hard at work madam ," said the man near her. Yes," Answered Madam Defarge ; " I have a good deal to do." What do you make, Madam ?" Many things." For instance ---" For instance," returned Madam Defarge , composedly , Shrouds." The man moved a little further away, as soon as he could, feeling it mightily close and oppressive ." france funny humor mob revolution rude shrouds Charles Dickens
2545e0b "And since I'm marrying into the Quartet, I have certain privileges and duties. If you're sleeping with Laurel--" "I'm not sleeping with Laurel. We're dating." "Right, and the two of you are just going to hold hands, admire the moon, and sing camp songs." "For a while. Minus the singing." friends funny humor relationships Nora Roberts
63f3d22 "It was all Mrs. Bumble. She do it," urged Mr. Bumble; first looking round, to ascertain that his partner had left the room. That is no excuse," returned Mr. Brownlow. "You were present on the occasion of the destruction of these trinkets, and, indeed, are the more guilty of the two, in the eye of the law; for the law supposes that your wife acts under your direction." If the law supposes that," said Mr. Bumble, squeezing his hat emphatically in both hands, "the law is a ass -- a idiot. If that's the eye of the law, the law is a bachelor; and the worst I wish the law is, that his eye may be opened by experience -- by experience." -- funny husbands law marriage matrimony responsibility wives woman Charles Dickens
e7e1e14 Forgive me....I called you an idiot. I spoke too hastily. You are not. Had I given it more thought, I would have called you a scoundrel. comebacks funny humor humorous silly Lloyd Alexander
f7c4989 "Could the two people who are making out please be quiet?" the Colonel asked loudly from his sleeping bag. "Those of us who are not making out are drunk and tired." funny humor kisses kissing laura looking-for-alaska love making-out miles quote sexy sleeping teenager the-colonel tired young-adult John Green
0d91ffd "Small men oft feel a need to prove their courage with unseemly boasts," he declared. "I doubt if he could kill a duck." Tyrion shrugged. "Fetch the duck." courage dance dragons duck funny humor kill martin prove small soiaf tyrion George R.R. Martin
7000607 "Yes, an actual full-sized camel. If you find that confusing, just think how the criosphinx must have felt. Where did the camel come from, you ask? I may have mentioned Walt's collection of amulets. Two of them summoned disgusting camels. I'd met them before, so I was less than excited when a ton of dromedary flesh flew across my line of sight, plowed into the sphinx, and collapsed on top of it. The sphinx growled in outrage as it tried to free itself. The camel grunted and farted. "Hindenburg," I said. Only one camel could possibly fart that badly. "Walt, why in the world--?" "Sorry!" he yelled. "Wrong amulet!" The technique worked, at any rate. The camel wasn't much of a fighter, but it was quite heavy and clumsy. The criosphinx snarled and clawed at the floor, trying unsuccessfully to push the camel off; but Hindenburg just splayed his legs, made alarmed honking sounds, and let loose gas. I moved to Walt's side and tried to get my bearings." destruction earthquakes floods funny funny-and-random giant-snake humour ra rebellious riordan riots sadie-kane serpent snake sun survive tornado tsunamis Rick Riordan
1dfb8e8 I had no idea what time it was, but I felt boneless and it would take an act of God to get me out of this bed. Or chocolate. funny j-lynn jennifer-l-armentrout wait-for-you Jennifer L. Armentrout
fc723c2 "He twisted at the waist and stretched out on his side. "You're a bit crazy. You throw apples in people's faces when you're angry. You go off half-cocked half the time. It entertains me to no end. So if you are irrational, I hope you stay that way. I love it." funny Jennifer L. Armentrout
9ddb146 Anyway... she knows a guy who knows a guy who knows a horse who knows a goat who knows another horse- funny Rick Riordan
ea95037 "He balled his hand into a fist. "You are such a bitch." "Woof, woof," I said." funny laurell-k-hamilton richard Laurell K. Hamilton
f596190 Nothing makes you think you might need years of therapy like saying the word breasts in front of your mother. breasts dare-you-to fiction funny humour katie-mcgarry new-release ryan-stone ya Katie McGarry
bd81dec "Kyo Sohma: One of these days I'll make you say you're sorry Yuki Sohma: looking bored I'm sorry. Kyo Sohma: Dammit That's not what I meant Don't you have any shame Yuki Sohma: still looking annoyed Yes I'm ashamed to be seen with you shouting in public. fruits-basket funny kyo lol yuki Natsuki Takaya
32e36be "Amelie said, "I won't be your servant in Morganville. Nor should you be mine. Equals." She offered her hand to him, and he looked down at it, clearly taken aback. But he took it. "Now defend what is ours, my partner." He grinned ... grinned! ... and whirled to meet Myrnin in midleap as Myrnin attacked." eve-rosser funny ghost-town humor michael-glass morganville-vampires myrnin rachel-caine shane-collins vampire vampires Rachel Caine
d02b25d "If it weren't for dreams," he said. "I wouldn't know half the things I know about the future. They're better than Olympus tabloids." He cleared his throat then held up his hands dramatically: "Dreams like a podcast, Downloading truth in my ears. They tell me cool stuff" "Apollo?" I guessed, because I figured nobody else could make a haiku that bad. He put his finger to his lips, "[Shh] I'm incognito. Call me Fred." beast fred funny haiku percy Rick Riordan
983690f "He seemed to be staring at the chain hanging from the ceiling fan. Seconds later, he confirmed this by reaching out and tugging the chain. Light clicked on. He tugged the chain again. Light went off. Oh for gods' sake, he had a mean case of ADD sometimes. "Apollo," I snapped." funny random seth the-return titans Jennifer L. Armentrout
9743926 Are you ever going to kiss me without swearing first? funny jessica Christine Feehan
37de017 In the old legends, Arachne had gotten into trouble because of pride. She'd bragged about her tapestries being better than Athena's, which had led to Mount Olympus's first reality TV punishment program: 'So You Think You Can Weave Better Than a Goddess?' Arachne had lost in a big way. athena funny humor lol wicked Rick Riordan
3a081c4 We were talking about the prince,' Sansa said, her voice soft as a kiss. Arya knew which prince she meant: Joffrey, of course. The tall, handsome one. Sansa got to sit with him at the feast. Arya had to sit with the little fat one. Naturally. a-song-of-ice-and-fire arya feast funny george-r-r-martin ironic joffrey prince sansa winterfell George R.R. Martin
88448d8 The coldest depth of Hell is reserved for people who abandon kittens. funny humor kittens Robert A. Heinlein
a45ec7e they love their hair because they're not smart enough to love anything more interesting funny hair love John Green
e3e462f "Oh! That was poetry!" said Pippin. "Do you really mean to start before the break of day?" funny humour lotr pippin poetry travel J.R.R. Tolkien
0cbda51 "Orion nodded, then asked, "Dwarf cheese?" "Cheese made by dwarfs." "Oh," said Orion, relieved. "They make it. It's not actually . . ." "No. What a horrible thought." "Exactly." dwarfs funny orion Eoin Colfer
db9de52 That's the problem with best friends. Sometimes they know you better than you know yourself. book books friends friendship fun funny gossip-girl happy knowledge life love quote quotes Cecily von Ziegesar
9afcbfa The Princess Bride S. Morgenstern's Classic Tale of True Love and High Adventure You had to admire a guy who called his own new book a classic before it was published and anyone had a chance to read it. authors funny high-expectations narrative princess-bride william-goldman William Goldman
aee4bb7 "You're back," Sam said, as if he couldn't quite believe it. She lifted her chin, stuffing her hands in her pockets. "Obviously." He tilted his head slightly to the side. "How was the desert?" There wasn't a scratch on him. Of course, her face had healed too but... "Hot," she said. Sam let out a breathy chuckle." celaena-sardothien cute funny sam-cortland Sarah J. Maas
6a5e515 She'd made him watch every Alien movie. Most of the goriest scenes were accompanied by his dialogue: 'Ach, that's no' - that's just no' right.... Bloody hell, this canna be right. funny kresley-cole Kresley Cole
2729dc8 "You know that passage in the Bible that says, "And the meek shall inherit the Earth"? Always wondered if that was mistranslated. Perhaps it actually says, "And the geek shall inherit the Earth." funny geek meek quote Neil deGrasse Tyson
21236d7 "If I let you go are you going to hit me again?" "What do you think?" "Then I'm not going to let you go." funny humour romance Sarah Mayberry
be1aba0 I pondered what else I should take for him. Flowers seemed wrong; they're a love token, after all. I looked in the fridge, and popped a packet of cheese slices into the bag. All men like cheese. eleanor-oliphant funny gail-honeyman gift humor Gail Honeyman
6881650 "Have you ever heard of the theory of relativity?" Artemis blinked. "Is this a joke? I have traveled through time, Doctor. I think I know a little something about relativity." artemis-fowl-humor funny relativity time-travel Eoin Colfer
7a5af08 No one wears buckles anymore, and I decided to get him some real boots next winter solstice. funny rachel stoned Kim Harrison
a737d9d Ah, damn it, lass,'he called after her. 'I've busted my stitches wide open.' 'What?'she cried, hurrying back to him. 'Let me see!' 'Ah-ha!' He snared her around the waist, dragging her down with him to his lap.'You still care for me! funny love romance Kresley Cole
425a344 They came out in a dim, damp basement - a generic sort of place, full of moulding boxes. 'You take me to the nicest places,' Claire said, and sneezed. claire-danvers funny humor myrnin rachel-caine Rachel Caine
143d131 Life is too fleet for onomatopoeia. fleet funny gormenghast life life-lessons living onomatopoeia out-of-context witty Mervyn Peake
48344d3 "I remember the will said, 'May God thy gold refine.' That must be from the Bible." "Shakespeare," Turtle said. All quotations were either from the Bible or Shakespeare." funny meta shakespeare Ellen Raskin
08a5df9 You're probably wondering: why were Medusa's kids a golden warrior and a winged horse? And how had they been stuck in Medusa's body all those years?Heck, I dunno. I'm just telling you how it was. You want stuff to make sense, you're in the wrong universe funny greek greek-heroes medusa percabeth percy-jackson percy-jackson-s-greek-heroes pj pjo rick-riordan universe Rick Riordan
4545dd8 "I never meant it," he was saying. "Never meant it to happen. Can't stand it, seeing her suffer. Must do something, do something... What do I do? What can I do...?" funny ghost-town humor morganville-vampires myrnin rachel-caine vampire vampires Rachel Caine
1e09fb1 A rap at the back door made her jump, and she peered through the window for a long time before she eased open the door a crack. She left the security chain on. 'What do you want, Richard?' Richard Morrell's police cruiser was parked in the drive. He hadn't flashed any lights or howled any sirens, so she supposed it wasn't an emergency, exactly. But she knew him well enough to know he didn't pay social visits, at least not to the Glass House. 'Good question,' Richard said. 'I guess I want a nice girl who can cook, likes action movies, and looks good in short skirts. But I'll settle for you taking the chain off the door and letting me in. funny richard what-you-want Rachel Caine
90ce716 Oh, my dear! I'm afraid you've mistaken me for someone else! My name is Rhea Silvia. I was the mother to Romulus and Remus, thousands of years ago. But you're so kind to think I look as young as the 1950s. audrey-hepburn funny lol percy-jackson rhea-silvia Rick Riordan
95608bf Ever since my famous battle with Python, I've had a phobia of scaly reptilian creatures. (Especially if you include my stepmother, Hera. BOOM!) burn funny hera roast Rick Riordan
f1873a0 She'd ceased spying upon him, that was true, but the damage was done. Every time he sat at his desk, he could feel her eyes upon him, even though he knew very well she'd shut her curtains tight. But clearly, reality had very little to do with the matter, because all he had to do, it seemed, was glance at her window, and he lost an entire hour's work. It happened thus: He looked at the window, because it was there, and he couldn't very well never happen to glance upon it unless he also shut his curtains tight, which he was not willing to do, given the amount of time he spent in his office. So he saw the window, and he thought of her, because, really, what else would he think of upon seeing her bedroom window? At that point, annoyance set in, because A) she wasn't worth the energy, B) she wasn't even there, and C) he wasn't getting any work done because of her. C always led into a bout of even deeper irritation, this time directed at himself, because D) he really ought to have better powers of concentration, E) it was just a stupid window, and F) if he was going to get agitated about a female, it ought to be one he at least liked. F was where he generally let out a loud growl and forced himself to get back to his translation. It usually worked for a minute or two, and then he'd look back up, and happen to see the window, and the whole bloody nonsense cycled back to the beginning. funny obsession spying Julia Quinn
eda2c9d this was business. clumsy fairies-leprecon funny genius mental Eoin Colfer
7b2c350 Cover me!' Augustus said as he jumped out from behind the wall and raced toward the school. Isaac fumbled for his controller and then started firing while the bullets rained down on Augustus, who was shot once and then twice but still ran, Augustus shouting,'YOU CAN'T KILL MAX MAYHEM!' and with a final flurry of button combinations, he dove onto the grenade, which detonated beneath him. His dismembered body exploded like a geyser and the screen went red. A throaty voice said, 'MISSION FAILURE,' but Augustus seemed to think otherwise as he smiled at his remnants on the screen. He reached into his pocket, pulled out a cigarette, and shoved it between his teeth. 'Saved the kids' he said. 'Temporarily' I pointed out. 'All salvation is temporary' Augustus shot back. 'I bought them a minute. Maybe that's the minute that buys them an hour, which is the hour that buys them a year. No one's gonna buy them forever, Hazel Grace, but my life bought them a minute. And that's not nothing. funny tfios John Green
8a89caf ... but to remain historically accurate, I would have had to leave out an important question that I felt needed to be addressed, which is, 'What if Jesus had known kung fu? funny martial-arts Christopher Moore
d81636a I looked at the stained-glass image of the lamb in the window above me, but that only reminded me that lambs are famous for being led to slaughter, or sometimes hanging out with lions in ill-advised relationships. funny humor humour lambs slaughter twilight Maureen Johnson
da0d939 ...I'm worried I will leave grad school and no longer be able to speak English. I know this woman in grad school, a friend of a friend, and just listening to her talk is scary. The semiotic dialetics of intertextual modernity. Which makes no sense at all. Sometimes I feel that they live in a parallel universe of academia speaking acadamese instead of English and they don't really know what's happening in the real world. elitism english funny graduate-school intellects language long-words pomposity university Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
ed3334b "Why me?" I blurted out, and then closed my eyes briefly. "Okay. Don't answer that." The food arrived just thenYi thank GodYi and the conversation was deterred...for about two minutes. "I'm going to answer that question," Cam said, peering at me through his lashes. I wanted to face-plant my stuffed chicken. "You don't have to." "No, I think I do." cam funny j-lynn jennifer-l-armentrout wait-for-you Jennifer L. Armentrout
67a4c6f "The driver got out smiling. He looked about seventeen or eighteen, and for a second, I had the uneasy feeling it was Luke, my old enemy. This guy had the same sandy hair and outdoorsy good looks. But it wasn't Luke. His smile was brighter and more playful. (Luke didn't do much more than scowl and sneer these days.) The Maserati driver wore jeans and loafers and a sleeveless T-shirt. "Wow" Thalia muttered. Apollo Is hot." "He's the sun god," I said. "That's not what I meant." funny hot humor percy-jackson Rick riordan
25c69c8 But the purpose of the book is not the horror, it is horror's defeat. funny good-omens humour neil-gaiman terry-prachett Terry Prachett talking about Neil Gaiman
444b4ee (Sookie's Thoughts on Debbie Pelt) she had been cruel to Alcide, insulted me grievously, burned a hole in my favorite wrap and--oh--tried to kill me by proxy. Also, she had stupid hair. debbiepelt funny Charlaine Harris
b0ebe80 "You're right, my problems are the biggest problems ever," George said. "No, honestly, it's horrible to be me. I'm rich, talented, and I make girls cry." "How do you make girls cry, exactly?" George turned to her. His blue eyes widened. His lovely face took on a forlorn, deeply troubled expression. He leaned forward, and, in a theatrical whisper, said, "My past is tragic. I wouldn't want to burden you with it. It's a pain I must suffer alone. In the rain. In silence." -- fate-s-edge funny george ilona-andrews the-edge Ilona Andrews
7d153a6 Marcus couldn't believe it. Dead. A dead duck. OK, he'd been trying to hit it on the head with a piece of sandwich, but he tried to do all sorts of things, and none of them had ever happened before. He'd tried to get the highest score on the Stargazer machine in the kabab shop on Hornsey road - nothing. He'd tried to read Nicky's thoughts by staring at the back of his head every maths lesson for a week - nothing. It really annoyed him that the only thing he'd ever achieved through trying was something he hadn't really wanted to do that much in the first place. And anyway, since when did hitting a bird with a sandwich ever kill it? People spend half their lives throwing things at the ducks in Regent's Park. How come he managed to pick a duck that pathetic? funny Nick Hornby
4ea0ced Who's your daddy?' Myrnin stared at him as if he'd gone completely mental. ' funny humor myrnin rachel-caine shane-collins the-morganville-vampires Rachel Caine
281822a "Okay, so, flying," I started, taking a deep breath and focusing on the thing I loved most in the world. "Flying is ... great. It feels great when you're doing it. It's fun. Pure freedom. There's nothing better." Dylan smiled, a slow, easy smile that seemed to light up his whole face. "So the first thing we're going to do," I told him, "is push you off the roof." funny humor lol smile smooth smooth-max wings James Patterson
fa3e855 Come here, cat. You wouldn't want to destroy the space-time continuum, would you? Meow. Meow. funny time-travel Connie Willis
dfcecdc "He rolled his eyes and took my hand. His hand was hard and calloused, tough with muscle and old scars. The night settled around us like a blanket. I could hear the water lapping against the dock. We were totally alone. "You're . . . ," he began, and I waited, heart throbbing in my throat. "Such a pain," he concluded. "What?" I asked, just as his head swooped in and his mouth touched mine. I tried to speak, but one of Fang's hands held the back of my head, and he kept his lips pressed against me, kissing me softly but with a Fanglike determination. Oh, jeez, I thought distractedly. Jeez, this is Fang, and me, and . . . Fang tilted his head to kiss me more deeply, and I felt totally lightheaded. Then I remembered to breathe through my nose, and the fog cleared a tiny bit. Somehow we were pressed together, Fang's arms around me now, sliding under my wings, his hands flat against my back. It was incredible. I loved it. I loved him. It was a total disaster. Gasping, I pulled back. "I, uh--," I began oh so coherently, and then I jumped up, almost knocking him over, and raced down the dock. I took off, flying fast, like a rocket." -- best-friends brb-dying confusion feelings friendship funny holding-hands jealousy kiss lol love night otp pain pals weird wings James Patterson
c5a9059 "We'll meet you here. Hopefully everyone will be in human form." A wry smile. "Though I'll warn you, he's not a whole lot more pleasant that way. At least as a wolf, he can't talk." derek-rydall funny Kelley Armstrong
3970b8a "I frowned as my fingers throbbed. "Wait a sec. There's a chance I can't work with fire and you let me do that?""How else am I going to figure out your limitations?" "What the hell!" I pulled my hand free, furious. "That's not cool, Blake. What's next? Trying to stop a moving vehicle by standing in front of it, but whoops, I can't do that and now I'm dead?" death-jokes funny ssupernatural training ya Jennifer L. Armentrout
cf37e08 "You're not the only one in this relationship who loves a challenge," he says. "And just so you know for the future, I like my double-chocolate chip cookies warm and soft in the middle . . . and without magnets glued to them." conversation funny humor kiara-westford Simone Elkeles
8371581 I had no idea how to respond, and opted for a smile, which serves me well on most occasions (not if it's something to do with death or illness, though -- I know that now.) eleanor-oliphant funny gail-honeyman humor smile Gail Honeyman
6cdd55d "If Feyre can't be bothered to listen to orders, then I can't be held accountable for the consequences." "Accountable?" I sputtered, placing my hands flat on the table. "You cornered me in the hall like a wolf with a rabbit!" Lucien propped an arm on the table and covered his mouth with has hand, his russet eye bright. faith feyre funny lucien sarah-j-maas tamlin Sarah J Maas
5a3bd2c "You couldn't be romantic if your life depended on it." "You know what's lucky? Most bad guys don't ask you to be romantic on command, so that probably won't matter." funny shane-collins Rachel Caine
54e8564 "Bob, would you be willing to take on Evil Bob?" Bob's eyes darted nervously. "I'd . . . prefer not to. I'd really, really prefer not to. You have no idea. That me was crazy. And buff. He worked out." funny harry Jim Butcher
74a8485 "OY! Stop playing around and lets cook already!" *smack* J-just now, that made a really loud noise.." Do you wanna hear it again?" N-no, you'll just hit me again!" Kyo and Tohru" cook fruits funny hit humor kyo kyou loud noise smack tohru Natsuki Takaya
9d560ce Ma'am,' Augustus said, nodding toward her, 'your daughter's car has just been deservedly egged by a blind man. Please close the door and go back inside or we'll be forced to call the police.' After wavering for a moment, Monica's mom closed the door and disappeared. funny gus issac the-fault-in-our-stars John Green
68267fd "Where's Quinn?' "He went around the other side." Connor replied. Stealth mode." A war whoop and a mocking laugh belied that comment. Hunter sighed. 'He's across the street, being a lunatic, you mean.' "That's stealth mode for him." funny hunter lunatic quinn stealth-mode Alyxandra Harvey
9b5a6d1 "Can I see some ID?" "WE DON'T HAVE ID," said Jay, loudly. "'CAUSE WE'RE CANADIAN. WE DON'T USE ID...THERE. AND THAT'S WHY WE LOOK SO YOUNG. 'CAUSE WE'RE CANADIAN." Doug stiffened. Jay sounded crazy. Doug tried looking extra sane to even things out." canadian crazy funny sane Adam Rex
7b67627 Being fed, and having a soft bed, and other people being in charge, seemed the most wonderful prospect in the world at that moment. funny J.K. Rowling
0005090 "Don't go there Rule" Lawe warned him softly. " I don't think your horoscope declared today to be a good day to die." funny lawe-s-justice threat Lora Leigh
b01771c "I doubt she'll welcome you if I tell her you undressed me." "Maybe she'll only welcome me." Smart-ass." evie funny humor jack kresely-cole poison-princess smart-ass undressed Kresley Cole
b864adc If there's a sexier sound on this planet than the person you're in love with cooing over the crepes you made for him, I don't know what it is. funny spouses Julie Powell
b6806f7 "Try not to trip," she added. "We don't have time for a concussion today." I groaned. That would be just like me - ruin everything, destroy the world, in a moment of klutziness." bella-swan funny new-moon twilight-saga Stephenie Meyer
3e65c75 What do you suppose is the use of a child without any meaning? Even a joke should have some meaning-- and a child's more imporant than a joke, I hope. You couldn't deny that, even if you tried with both hands. funny jokes meaning trying Lewis Carroll
fded05e "That will be her undoing," gasped Artemis, already suffering under the weight of the flak jacket. "Artemis Fowl will never be ." "I thought you were Artemis Fowl the Second?" said Holly." artemis-fowl-the-2nd funny Eoin Colfer
1 2 3 4 5 ▲ ▼