Site uses cookies to provide basic functionality.

OK
1 2 3 4 5 ▲ ▼
Link Quote Stars Tags Author
cdcf354 I was shown into a room. A red room. Red wallpaper, red curtains, red carpet. They said it was a sitting-room, but I don't know why they'd decided to confine its purpose just to sitting. Obviously, sitting was one of the things you could do in a room this size; but you could also stage operas, hold cycling races, and have an absolutely cracking game of frisbee, all at the same time, without having to move any of the furniture. It could rain in a room this big. funny enormous hyperbole rooms Hugh Laurie
6870636 An apple a day keeps the doctor away. No one's immune to bribery. funny loki Joanne Harris
4f87328 Aelin would likely laughed to see him now. The man who had stumbled out of her room after she'd declared that her cycle had arrived. Now sitting in this fine room, mostly naked and not giving a shit about it. funny chaol-westfall Sarah J. Maas
10f9f09 You're funny, and you're smart, and you may show up late, but you always show up eventually. funny late show-up smart John Green
7bbe6de "Fang swerved closer to me, big and supremely graceful, like a black panther with wings. Oh, God. I'm so stupid. Forget I just said that. "He needs a Band-Aid," I said. A look passed between me and Fang, full of suppressed humor, relief, understanding,love -- Forget I said that too. I don't know what's wrong with me." understanding funny friendship humor love flying wings relief lol James Patterson
bc425d5 "Doode," George said. He'd practiced all morning but still didn't get it quite right. "Nope, more , less . Duuude." "Dude." "Dude." "Okay, dude." George nodded. "How's it hanging?" Jack asked. "How am I supposed to answer that?" George looked at him. "I don't think Kaldar said anything about that. I guess 'good'? I don't get it. What's hanging anyway?" George shook his head. "Your stuff, you nimwit." His stuff... "In that case, it's hanging long!" Jack dissolved in giggles. "Long, get it?" funny perverted fate-s-edge ilona-andrews the-edge hanging george jack Ilona Andrews
1910cca Whatever my ancestors did to you, none of them consulted me. funny Tad Williams
477895c "I spy, with my little eye, something that starts with ... G." "Sausages." funny i-spy Adam Rex
796c569 Basil Stag Hare tut-tutted severely as he remarked to Ambrose Spike, 'Tch, tch. Dreadful table manners. Just look at those three wallahs, kicking up a hullaballoo like that! Eating's a serious business. funny hare-talk eating Brian Jacques
6ad8578 If you want to see something funny, it's a tough hood sticking his tongue out at his big brother. funny siblings S.E. Hinton
61c904e "Kid 1: *examining my gorgeous strawberry and blueberry pies*: Wow, Mom, your pies don't look awful this time. Me (Ilona): ... ~A little later~ Kid 2: *wandering into the kitchen* Kid 1: Hey, you've got to see these pies. *opening the stove* kids funny ilona-andrews-website pie ilona-andrews thanksgiving Ilona Andrews
17ce1d5 "Fred and George exchanged looks. "You don't mind if we don't kiss you, do you, Ron?" said Fred in a falsely anxious voice. "We could curtsy, if you like," said George. "Oh, shut up," said Ron, scowling at them." harry-potter funny J.K. Rowling
90937e1 "Let come the forces of night! We will stand!" "We will get the hell out of here is what we will do," I muttered." funny humor fight Jim Butcher
e2f1cde "Easy for you to say. You're the one who got plowed. I was doing the plowing." Cam's mouth opened. Oh my God, did I really just say that? I had." funny jennifer-l-armentrout wait-for-you cam haha lol Jennifer L. Armentrout
8a1e082 "At the door, Audrey called, "Are you coming?" "No, just breathing hard, love." He glanced at her and was rewarded by an outraged glare, followed by, "Oh, my God!" funny fate-s-edge kaldar ilona-andrews the-edge Ilona Andrews
790f5c4 "There are many other little refinements too, Mr. Bohlen. You'll see them all when you study the plans carefully. For example, there's a trick that nearly every writer uses, of inserting at least one long, obscure word into each story. This makes the reader think that the man is very wise and clever. So I have the machine do the same thing. There'll be a whole stack of long words stored away just for this purpose." Where?" In the 'word-memory' section," he said, epexegetically." humour funny humor Roald Dahl
438dcd1 It kind of struck me how great it would be to go out with a guy that size. And if you, you know, got tired of dating him, you could always use him as a house or something. humour funny humor size Catherine Gilbert Murdock
722929b "Amren," Rhys drawled, "sends her regards. And as for this one ... " I tried not to flinch away from meeting his stare. "She's mine," he said quietly, but viciously enough that Devlon and his warriors nearby heard. "And if any of you lay a hand on her, you lose that hand. And then you lose your head." I tried not to shiver, as Cassian and Mor showed no reaction at all. "And once Feyre is done killing you," Rhys smirked, "then I'll grind your bones to dust." funny a-court-of-thorns-and-roses rhysand feyre funny-quotes Sarah J. Maas
6aac37e "Did I hurt you in the parking lot?" "No, m'lady. I fell, so I could put a tracker on your car." Great." funny fate-s-edge ilona-andrews the-edge george Ilona Andrews
ca070e3 "I squinted at her. "You're an adult." "You're an adult too." "But you're an older adult. You've had more practice." Mom leaned back and laughed." funny relatable Ilona Andrews
fbdbddf Use that fluff of yours you call a brain. stupidity funny humor Agatha Christie
ba3a19b "Listen, Harr,y can I have a go on it? Can I?" "I don't think anyone should ride that broom just yet!" said Hermoine shrilly. Harry and Ron looked at her. "What d'you think Harry's going to do with it - sweep the floor?" said Ron." harry-potter funny humor firebolt hermoine ron J.K. Rowling
7ea604f I'm telling you, Augustus Waters talked so much that he'd interrupt you at his own funeral. funny funeral John Green
924f3a2 "Jackson asked, "Where'd the water come from in your house?" "A pipe." Then he explained to Jackson, "Water travels in pipes." funny flooding poison-princess kresley-cole matthew evie jackson water jack Kresley Cole
97b854d "D'you know what that - (he called Snape something that made Hermoine say "Ron!")" - is making me do? I've got to scrub out the bedpans in the hospital wing. Without magic!" He was breathing deeply, his fists clenched. "Why couldn't Black have hidden in Snape's office, eh? He could have finished him off for us!" funny humor ron detention snape J.K. Rowling
572c6e3 There you have it: our lives in a nutshell. Emphasis on nut. funny life nuts lol James Patterson
7a034b8 "Glaring at the Gasman, ter Borcht said, "Your time is coming to an end, you pathetic failure of an experiment. Vhat you say now is how you vill be remembered." Gazzy's blue eyes flashed. "Then you can remember me telling you to kiss my-" "Enough!" ter Borcht said." funny death cool-response gazzy-i-love-u good-guy badass end lol James Patterson
c1c648f "Lia let out a low growl and moved her arrow to the base of his fat throat. "What do you think, Gabi? Would you like to see these nuptials through?" "Not this day," I said "How about on the morrow?" Marcello asked, smiling and lifting my hand to his lips. "If I am your groom?" "Hold that eHarmony thought," Lia whispered in English. "We gotta get out of here." funny gabriella lia marcello Lisa Tawn Bergren
1195f07 Just stay close to us. If we get in trouble, we'll kill everything. funny fate-s-edge cerise ilona-andrews the-edge violent Ilona Andrews
c30f435 "I broke up with this girl, and they put me with a psychiatrist who said, 'Why did you get so depressed, and do all those things you did?' I said, 'I wanted this girl and she left me.' And he said,'Well, we have to look into that.' And I said, 'There's nothing to look into! I wanted her and she left me.' And he said, 'Well, why are you feeling so intense?' And I said, 'Cause I want the girl!' And he said, 'What's underneath it?' And I said, 'Nothing!' He said, 'I'll have to give you medication.' I said, 'I don't want medication! I want the girl!' funny humor film Woody Allen
2633f68 He had the prettiest hair she had ever seen on a man: dark brown, almost black, and soft like sable, it fell down to his shoulders. She wondered what he'd do if she threw some mud in it. Probably kill her. funny cerise ilona-andrews the-edge william hair Ilona Andrews
773db90 If his drunkenness had legs, it would be Alexander the Great and conquer the known world. Then it would puke for a week into a solid gold toilet it stole from Zeus's guest room. funny Richard Kadrey
87ccb7c "The only way to make sure that the Hand didn't get to you would have been to kill your brother. I could've done it, but I didn't. I just gave him some drugs." "You gave an addict in rehab drugs, and you want credit for it?" "Of course it sounds bad when you put it that way." funny audrey fate-s-edge kaldar ilona-andrews the-edge Ilona Andrews
7d61dd4 "I found this, though," Gazzy said excitedly, holding up a small green box. "Gas-X! Like, 'X' for explosion! This is great! I'm thinking I rig this with a detonator and-" "Did you find that in the medicine cabinet?" Dylan asked. "Yeah." "It's for upset stomachs," Dylan said, trying to hide a smile. He pointed to the words on the box. "It's to reduce gas in you digestive system, not to create more gas to make explosions." Gazzy's face fell as Iggy said, "Really? Gazzy, take it! Take the whole box!" funny humor iggy-i-love-you gas lol James Patterson
f76c3a9 Was it my fault that I got out of hand? --Loki humour funny humor loki Joanne Harris
e5f48e7 "He's bound to have done ," Nobby repeated. In this he was echoing the Patrician's view of crime and punishment. If there was crime, there should be punishment. If the specific criminal should be involved in the punishment process then this was a happy accident, but if not then any criminal would do, and since everyone was undoubtedly guilty of something, the net result was that, , justice was done." funny ethics punishment justice Terry Pratchett
941c02f I never thought I'd hear myself say it, but safety first! funny weasleytwins harrypotter weasley safety lol J.K. Rowling
80c5c24 "You are not showing her my baby pictures!" He sounded horrified, which made me laugh. "Come on, Evan," I teased with a laughing smile, "you were adorable." funny love reason-to-breathe baby-pictures emma-thomas evan-mathews rebecca-donovan breathing sweet Rebecca Donovan
2448046 "If it winds up earlier, you should have a movie picked out. This is assuming she isn't sending you the 'let's go back to my place' signals. In that case--" "Don't go there, Bob. Let's just not go there." funny humor friendships Nora Roberts
8110548 "It can hardly be a coincidence that no language on Earth has ever produced the expression "as pretty as an airport". Airports are ugly. Some are very ugly. Some attain a degree of ugliness that can only be the result of a special effort. This ugliness arises because airports are full of people who are tired, cross, and have just discovered that their luggage has landed in Murmansk (...) and the architects have on the whole tried to reflect this in their designs. They have sought to highlight the tiredness and crossness motif with brutal shapes and nerve jangling colours, to make effortless the business of separating the traveller from his or her luggage or loved ones, to confuse the traveller with arrows that appear to point at the windows, distant tie racks, or the current position of the Ursa Minor in the night sky, and wherever possible to expose the plumbing on the grounds that it is functional, and conceal the location of the departure gates, presumably on the grounds that they are not"." funny description Douglas Adams
79372f1 "Weetzie could see him--it was a man, a little man in a turban, with a jewel in his nose, harem pants, and curly-toed slippers. "Lanky Lizards!" Weetzie exclaimed. "Greetings," said the man in an odd voice, a rich, dark purr. "Oh, shit!" Weetzie said. "I beg your pardon? Is that your wish?" funny humor genies weetzie-bat wishes Francesca Lia Block
c9b9067 "Tell me, Lothaire, I want to know. Convince me why I should love you." "Because any other female would!" humour romance funny paranormal-romance Kresley Cole
c344569 "What's a slut?" I ask him. "A girl who puts out too easily." "Puts out what?" I imagine Greer putting out dinner and don't understand what Iwan wouldn't like about that. "Puts out, you know..." His face, already beet red from our run, turns a darker scarlet. "Sex." I wonder where Greer puts the sex out." funny ya Rachel Cohn
1b3f462 I can do this, I lied to myself feebly. No one was going to bite me. funny twilight vampire Stephenie Meyer
3beed9f "Put me down, I'm too heavy." "You're small enough to fit in my pocket." humour romance funny Sarah Mayberry
2367342 Sneaky would be a lime-green Volkswagen. Nobody would suspect the assassins in the lime-green Volkswagen. funny sneaky Adam Rex
e81b7b7 "Four times during the first six days they were assembled and briefed and then sent back. Once, they took off and were flying in formation when the control tower summoned them down. The more it rained, the worse they suffered. The worse they suffered, the more they prayed that it would continue raining. All through the night, men looked at the sky and were saddened by the stars. All through the day, they looked at the bomb line on the big, wobbling easel map of Italy that blew over in the wind and was dragged in under the awning of the intelligence tent every time the rain began. The bomb line was a scarlet band of narrow satin ribbon that delineated the forward most position of the Allied ground forces in every sector of the Italian mainland. For hours they stared relentlessly at the scarlet ribbon on the map and hated it because it would not move up high enough to encompass the city. When night fell, they congregated in the darkness with flashlights, continuing their macabre vigil at the bomb line in brooding entreaty as though hoping to move the ribbon up by the collective weight of their sullen prayers. "I really can't believe it," Clevinger exclaimed to Yossarian in a voice rising and falling in protest and wonder. "It's a complete reversion to primitive superstition. They're confusing cause and effect. It makes as much sense as knocking on wood or crossing your fingers. They really believe that we wouldn't have to fly that mission tomorrow if someone would only tiptoe up to the map in the middle of the night and move the bomb line over Bologna. Can you imagine? You and I must be the only rational ones left." In the middle of the night Yossarian knocked on wood, crossed his fingers, and tiptoed out of his tent to move the bomb line up over Bologna." war bologna yossarian catch-22 prayer funny inspiration humor hope rational meditation superstition Joseph Heller
b2c69e2 As I stepped onto the gloomy landing a word formed in my mind: two syllables, starts with a V and rhymes with dire. I froze in place. Nightingale said that everything was true, after a fashion, and that had to include vampires, didn't it? I doubted they were anything like they were in books and on TV, and one thing was for certain -- they absolutely weren't going to sparkle in the sunlight. humour funny sparkle vampires Ben Aaronovitch
074de86 "You're supposed to be a spirit of intellect. I don't understand why you're obsessed with sex." Bob's voice got defensive. "It's an academic interest, Harry." "Oh yeah? Well maybe I don't think it's fair to let your academia go peeping in other people's houses." "Wait a minute. My academia doesn't -" I held up a hand. "Save it. I don't want to hear it." He grunted. "You're trivializing what getting out for a bit means to me, Harry. You're insulting my masculinity." "Bob," I said, "you're a . You don't any masculinity to insult." "Oh yeah?" Bob challenged me. "Pot kettle black, Harry! Have you gotten a date yet? Huh? Most men have something better to do in the middle of the night than play with their chemistry sets." -- funny bob Jim Butcher
2d0f66f "Everybody in!" I said. Which was when we discovered the final problem. Little Echos aren't designed to hold six, count them six, larger-than-average-sized children. And their wings. And a dog. "This is like a clown car," Total grumbled front my lap in the front seat. "Why does the dog get to sit in your lap?'' Gazzy asked plaintively, as we rattled and banged down the dark streets. "How about a kid?" "Oh. 'The dog.' Very nice," said Total. "Because you're not allowed to have people on your lap in the front seats," I explained. "It's not safe. If a cop saw us, we'd be stopped for sure. You want Total back there?" Everyone in the back screamed no at the same time." funny talking-dog dog lol James Patterson
188a414 "You're supposed to be a spirit of intellect. I don't understand why you're obsessed with sex." Bob's voice got defensive. "It's an academic interest, Harry." "Oh yeah? Well maybe I don't think it's fair to let your academia go peeping in other people's houses." "Wait a minute. My academia doesn't -" I held up a hand. "Save it. I don't want to hear it." He grunted. "You're trivializing what getting out for a bit means to me, Harry. You're insulting my masculinity." "Bob," I said, "you're a . You don't any masculinity to insult." "Oh yeah?" Bob challenged me. "Pot kettle black, Harry! Have you gotten a date yet? Huh? Most men have something better to do in the middle of the night than play with their chemistry sets." funny bob Jim Butcher
c976314 The elevator shaft was a kind of heat sink. Hot food was cold by the time it arrived. Cold food got colder. No one knew what would happen to ice cream, but it would probably involve some rewriting of the laws of thermodynamics. funny Terry Pratchett
086375a Stop hiding condoms in my stuff. It's like some twisted Easter egg hunt in there. funny over-protective lucy Alyxandra Harvey
2411713 This one's for Alaska Young! funny looking-for-alaska John Green
c4dffc3 Put that in your mustache and smoke it. funny humor mrs-oliver poirot Agatha Christie
771540f AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!' he screamed. 'So that's Sara,' I said. 'Yes.' 'She seems nice. funny colonel miles john-green pudge looking-for-alaska John Green
98379af "You're not going to tell me they built fifty-foot-high killer golems, are you?" "Only a man would think of that. It's our job," said Moist. "If you don't think of fifty-foot-high killer golems first, someone else will." irony men funny humor weapons Terry Pratchett
918281b "...Ty grabbed my phone and threatened to tell Otter that I liked being spanked during sex. This proceeded to lead up on a long tangent where I had to have him explain to me how he knows about stuff like people getting spanked during sex. He said he might have heard it mentioned while watching MSNBC. I told him he was grounded from watching the news channels for a week. That's where this whole sidebar should have ended, but then I was forced to explain S & M and bondage to my little brother, who was persistent on the topic, and who kept staring at me with mounting horror when I finally /did/ explain, and I realized I had maybe gone too far, and we had to spend the next five minutes swearing to God that I had never nor would I ever attempt to do anything like that. He might now be the only nine-year-old who has heard the terms "cock ring" and "fisting". My parenting skills are unparalleled." romance funny m-m parenting child T.J. Klune
ca55970 I've been thinking about that proof I spoke of last time - that you're where you're supposed to be. And it occurred to me, can you prove you'd be better off somewhere else? If you'd have left the state, your relationship would have ended still. Maybe you'd have even blamed yourself, not knowing that it was doomed because of him, either way. Instead, you're here. You got dumped, skipped class, and met the best econ tutor at the university! Who knows, maybe I'll make you fall in love with economics. love-story funny life love Tammara Webber
dee5263 I'm a librarian in town,' she began. 'You sure about that?' The words popped out before he could stop them. Annabelle raised her eyebrows. 'Fairly. It's my job and so far no one has told me to go away when I show up for work.' he thought, 'I was expecting someone wearing glasses. You know. Because librarians read a lot.' The raised eyebrows turned into a frown. 'You need to get out of the barn more. funny awkward-encounters shane foot-in-mouth librarians Susan Mallery
0ef0d38 He'd given her the mother of all hangovers - a run-in with the wrath of grapes. funny kresley-cole Kresley Cole
d788707 When Matthew merely stared at him, Jackson reached into the weapon box and pulled out a sheathed machete, handing it to the boy. Matthew laughed and dropped it. funny poison-princess matthew evie jackson weapons Kresley Cole
ad7b603 "I groaned. "All the time. I thought I was going crazy." "Duude," he said in agreement. "And before the Flash, all kinds of freaky shit was happening to me. I started speaking this wierd Language. And stuff started transforming- but only in front of me. I saw my cat walking on the ceiling, saw lava coming out of a faucet. The worst? I was doing this girl, and suddenly she looked like my gym teacher!" funny Kresley Cole
b34a3d0 "We're clear," she said. "You're kind of a psycho. I get that" funny morganville-vampires Rachel Caine
5317c7f "The pigs can't stop the fox; I'm too quick,' Takumi said to himself. "I can rhyme while I run; I'm that slick." funny miles takumi pudge looking-for-alaska John Green
8e537d4 "Well, bloody noses." I hug his coat tighter. "Those are definitely hot." funny humor hot romantic-comedy sarcasm Stephanie Perkins
54c7291 "That was the best Defense Against the Dark Arts lesson we've ever had, wasn't it?" said Ron... "He seems like a very good teacher," said Hermoine approvingly. "But I wish I could have had a turn with the boggart -" "What would it have been for you?" said Ron sniggering, "A piece of homework that only got nine out of ten?" funny humor hermoine ron J.K. Rowling
6740a3a "It was a still night, tinted with the promise of dawn. A crescent moon was just setting. Ankh-Morpork, largest city in the lands around the Circle Sea, slept. That statement is not really true On the one hand, those parts of the city which normally concerned themselves with, for example, selling vegetables, shoeing horses, carving exquisite small jade ornaments, changing money and making tables, on the whole, slept. Unless they had insomnia. Or had got up in the night, as it might be, to go to the lavatory. On the other hand, many of the less law-abiding citizens were wide awake and, for instance, climbing through windows that didn't belong to them, slitting throats, mugging one another, listening to loud music in smoky cellars and generally having a lot more fun. But most of the animals were asleep, except for the rats. And the bats, too, of course. As far as the insects were concerned... The point is that descriptive writing is very rarely entirely accurate and during the reign of Olaf Quimby II as Patrician of Ankh some legislation was passed in a determined attempt to put a stop to this sort of thing and introduce some honesty into reporting. Thus, if a legend said of a notable hero that "all men spoke of his prowess" any bard who valued his life would add hastily "except for a couple of people in his home village who thought he was a liar, and quite a lot of other people who had never really heard of him." Poetic simile was strictly limited to statements like "his mighty steed was as fleet as the wind on a fairly calm day, say about Force Three," and any loose talk about a beloved having a face that launched a thousand ships would have to be backed by evidence that the object of desire did indeed look like a bottle of champagne." funny humor poetic-simile Terry Pratchett
b3c572d "Invalidating a woman's life choices by saying things like, "Oh, but you'll regret it if you don't have kids," or, "I didn't think I wanted kids either until I had one," is like me going to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and telling the newly sober that eventually when they grow old, they'll want to take the edge off with a little gin and tonic and that if they could only just be mature enough to control themselves, they could go on a fun wine-tasting tour in the Napa Valley." kids women funny comedy Jen Kirkman
550280e "She needed Andrew Simpson Smith, it was that simple. And he had spent his life training to help people like her. Gods. "Okay, Andrew. But let's leave today. I'm in a hurry." "Of course. Today." He stroked the place where his slight beard was beginning to grow. "These ruins where your friends are waiting? Where are they?" Tally glances up at the sun, still low enough to indicate the eastern horizon. After a moment's calculation, she pointed off to the northwest, back toward the city and beyond that, the Rusty Ruins. "About a week's walk that way." "A week?" "That means seven days." "Yes, I know the gods' calendar," he said huffily. "But a whole week?" "Yeah. That's not so far, is it?" The hunters had been tireless on their march the night before. He shook his head, an awed expression on his face. "But that is beyond the edge of the world." time world funny Scott Westerfeld
e959214 "Great," Shane said. "Look i'd rather not be on janitorial duty. I have allergies to cleaners." funny morganville-vampires Rachel Caine Black Dawn
0bfd6a9 "Francesca took a navy blue sheath from a hanger and held it up. "This is darling, Gabriel. Don't you love it? You're right, I think we need to concentrate on much more feminine articles of clothing." He reached around her and fingered the soft material. "Where is the rest of it?" He was very serious, his dark eyes searching her face for signs she was teasing." funny christine-feehan Christine Feehan
e2f2ed2 I say if a novelty Christmas song is funny one time, then it is funny every time. - Calvin funny song calvin calvin-and-hobbes Bill Watterson
3f9fa83 Life is too short to dance with ugly men funny so-true Christina Dodd
cb88781 Great minds think alike-especially when they are female. funny dowager-queen Christina Dodd
a4b863f You're not exactly up for the Humanitarian of the Year award, so save your altruism for someone who can't see through you like cellophane. funny cellophane cellophane-wrap hokey humanitarian jesus-complex messiah-complex pretentious self-righteousness pretend see-through fake Rebecca McNutt
8e4ecc6 "Imagine for a moment that you are the proud owner of a large house which you have spent years of your life painting and decorating and filling with everything you love. It's your home. It's something you've made your own, something for you to be remembered by, something that, perhaps years later, your children and grandchildren can visit and get a view of your life in. It's part of your creativity, your hard work... it's your property. Now suppose you decide to go camping for a couple of weeks. You lock your door and assume that nobody is going to break in... but they do, and when you return home, to your horror you find that not only do these trespassers break in, but they also have quite uniquely imaginative ways of disrespecting, vandalizing and corrupting everything within your property. They light fires on your lawn, your topiary hedges are in heaps of black ashes. There's some blatantly obscene graffiti splattered across your front door, offensive images and rude words splashed on the walls and windows. Your television has been tipped over. Your photographs of family and friends have had the heads cut out of them. There's mold growing in the refrigerator, bottles of booze tipped over on the table, and cigarette smoke embedded into the carpeting. Your beloved houseplants are dead, your furniture has been stripped down and ruined. Basically, the thing you've spent years working for and creating within your lifetime has been tampered with to the point where it is just a grim joke. metaphor books funny fanfiction pervy copyright sherlock vandalism imagine house respect ghost geek grave Rebecca McNutt
3ebcd20 "Fredrika Bimm, what do you think you're doing?" "Freaking out. Losing my mind. Thinking about snapping your husband's spine. Squashing the urge to vomit. Wishing I had died at childbirth." "Oh, you say that when you don't get a prize in your Lucky Charms." humour funny MaryJanice Davidson
628f6d7 "Apollo stepped toward Athena. "Let's break down this idea step-by-step. How would we be able to use Perses? The last time I checked, he was in Tartarus." "He is still there." Athena tipped her chin up. "And as you know, he is not dead. He is only entombed." "And how do you think we're going to release him?" Apollo demanded, brows slashed. "Zeus would never agree to this." "I am Zeus' favorite child." Her smile beamed. Apollo's blue eyes rolled." funny athena zeus Jennifer L. Armentrout
2cc7163 "My dear fellow " Said Albert, turning to Franz " here is an admirable adventure; we will fill our carriage with pistols, blunderbusses, and double-barreled shotguns. Luigi Vampa comes to take us, and we take him - we bring him back to Rome , and present him to him holiness the Pope, who asks how he can repay so great a service; Then we merely ask for a cariage and a pair of horses, and we will see the Carnival in the carriage , and doubtless the Roman people will crown us at the capitol , and proclaim us, like Curtius and the veiled Horatius, the preservers of there country." Whilst Albert proposed this scheme, signor Pastrini's face assumed an expression impossible to describe." funny humor idea Alexandre Dumas
b30643e In any given situation there will always be more dumb people than smart people. We ain't many! funny intelligence wisdom mindfulness truthfulness sincere Ken Kesey
e4cbbe1 "Audrey turned to him, a sly little spark hiding in her eyes. "THe only man who gets to call me'love' would be waking up next to me after a very, very fun night. "Guess what?" She leaned closer. "You will never be that man." fun funny fate-s-edge kaldar ilona-andrews the-edge Ilona Andrews
1e15d58 "This doesn't mean you're getting a discount." Audrey heaved a mock sigh. "Oh well. I guess I'll have to ply you with sexual favors, then." Gnome choked on the soup. "I'm old enough to be your grandfather!" Audrey winked at him, gathering the empty bags. "But you're not." funny fate-s-edge ilona-andrews the-edge gnome Ilona Andrews
d0326a4 I lied. I do that, you know, when it suits me. I would have thought you'd realized that by now. funny Anne Stuart
1a815fe Dear Josh, we stopped by to fuck you but you didn't answer the door. Therefore you are gay. Sincerely, Tiffany and Amber. funny letter gay teenagers Daniel Clowes
bbf9a6d "Mel exhaled. "Why are you forcing me into the voice-of-reason role? You know that never works out for us." funny reason mel melissa poison-princess kresley-cole evie Kresley Cole
5e63b28 Finally, this being America, there is the constant possibility of murder. funny muder Bill Bryson
bad3cb4 So you have your price. Your soul for a cookie. funny humor James Patterson
aeee615 And I like a good horror story as much as the next person so long as they kill off some men too and not just girls. But the voices Joan heard were real. There's clear and substantiated proof they were real. She won battles that would otherwise have been lost because of what those voices told her in advance of them allowing the French generals to strategize in ways completely different than they did before Joan came along. People's lives were saved because of what those voices told her. funny Meg Cabot
3afe3e4 "Dear God," said Nudge under her breath, "I want real parents. But I want them to want me too. I want them to love me. I already love them. Please see what you can do. Thanks very much. Love, Nudge." Okay, so I'm not saying we were pros at this or anything. (Max thoughts)" funny learning god humor love praying parents desire James Patterson
b4e0a33 I've died before. It was boring, so I stood up. funny humor comics graphic-novels moon-knight warren-ellis Warren Ellis
cc05ffa "Now you be careful in the real world" said Armpit " Not everyone is as nice as us." funny children-books holes Louis Sachar
8f6b291 "Fenchurch had red mullet and said it was delicious. Arthur had a swordfish steak and said it made him angry. He grabbed a passing waitress by the arm and berated her. "Why's this fish so bloody good?" he demanded, angrily." fish funny humor Douglas Adams
2de95a4 If ye canna see the bright side o' life, polish the dull side funny scottish Christina Dodd
a0c938d Tell the Queen that there's been a robin red-breast hanging about Kotir grounds. It flies down low and vanishes near the floor. Cludd thinks it might be something to do with those woodlanders. Now, I'm to say nothing to Fortunata or Ashleg... 'I must tell the Queen that a robin has seen Cludd hanging about. No, that's not right. I must tellt he robin taht Cludd has been hanging the Queen. funny thicktail-the-stoat Brian Jacques
b69f07b "And I meant to tell you: that was a one-in-a-thousand shot." She raised her hand. "Don't." "It was awesome," George confirmed. "It really was," Jack said. "His head exploded." funny ilona-andrew fate-s-edge kaldar the-edge shot george jack Ilona Andrews
190a474 I stared at Irys. My Story Weaver had to be laughing his blue ass off right now. My future appeared to be a long twisted road fraught with knots, tangles and traps. Just the way I liked it. funny Maria V. Snyder
e3129d4 "We have to stop anyway. I don't want you to regret this later. And I don't want your head to explode." "Really? You're so good that my head would explode?" It took him a moment. His expression changed from intense to speculative. "It's a possibility. I'm not a doctor, but Doolittle says it could happen." "That's a lot of expectation to live up to." "I exceed expectations." So modest, too." -- sex funny kate-daniels Ilona Andrews
9c61e25 I haven't met that many women, human or angelic, who actually like to drive. In my experience they seem to be much more pragmatic about the whole thing than we are. For most males, driving is an extension of their masculinity; they have little fantasy scenarios going all the time - races, chases, and dramatic combat with other drivers. Females, on the other hand, generally seem to view driving as something you do to get somewhere. I know, crazy. funny men-and-women Tad Williams
efc9c6b Divination is turning out to be much more trouble than I could have foreseen, never having studied the subject myself. funny J.K. Rowling
0e91de3 "I hate you.' funny perks perks-of-being-a-wallflower wallflower Stephen Chbosky
00162fc I don't have a master. I'm not sure if I have an equal. funny Laurell K. Hamilton
3c0164c "I'm familiar with the myth, I'm merely surprised that a female would be familiar with the classics." "You must have a very limited experience with my sex," Alexandra said, surprised. "My grandfather said most women are every bit as intelligent as men." She saw his eyes take on the sudden gleam of suppressed laughter and assumed, mistakenly, that he was amused by her assessment of female intelligence rather than her remark about his inexperience with women." funny woman-power historical-romance Judith McNaught
caeedc8 His life was a constant war with insensate objects that fell apart, or attacked him, or refused to function, or viciously got themselves lost as soon as they entered the sphere of his existence. funny Vladimir Nabokov
90f6927 "What part of Canada are you from, honey?" "THE LEFT PART," said Jay." funny Adam Rex
74f9530 "This isn't going to work," Justine murmured. "It is going to work," I told her, keeping my tone confident. "We'll breeze right in. The Rack will be with us." Justine glanced at me with an arched eyebrow. "The Rack?" "The Rack is more than just boobs, Justine," I told her soberly. "It's an energy field created by all living boobs. It surrounds us, penetrates us, and binds the galaxy together." -- girl-power funny humor femininity geek the-rack dresden-files star-wars molly-carpenter harry-dresden Jim Butcher
ee0f03d Remove yourself, sir! history funny david-mccullough john-adams David McCullough
c1d6825 A horse blanket, Mel? I remembered what I was wearing. 'It tore in half when Hrani tried washing it. She was going to mend it. This piece was too small for a horse, but it was just right for me.' Bran laughed a little unsteadly. 'Mel. A . funny brother-and-sister horse Sherwood Smith
641e7e0 the Ankh-Morpork Trespassers' Society was originally the Explorers' Society until Lord Vetinari forcibly insisted that most of the places 'discovered' by the society's members already had people in them, who were already trying to sell snakes to the newcomers. humour funny explorers Terry Pratchett
b1e40fd Dick called, but he just left dirty voice-mail messages. Let's just say if I'm ever in the market for a massage involving canola oil and marabou feathers, I'm covered. funny jane-jameson molly-harper nice-girls-don-t-have-fangs richard dirty Molly Harper
b1137dd He did not go much further, but sat down on the cold floor and gave himself up to complete miserableness, for a long while. He thought of himself frying bacon and eggs in his own kitchen at home - for he could feel inside that it was high time for some meal or other; but that only made him miserabler. tolkien funny miserabler J. R. R. Tolkien
d7164f1 "The combination of ammonia and chloride can be lethal but I've discovered it can work miracles as long as you keep telling yourself, "I want to love, I want to live..." funny humor joke David Sedaris
f738c49 "I saw a dark void under the platform and had just enough time to think: "Fuck me he's a earthbender." funny pop-culture Ben Aaronovitch
be31fe2 "Lokeij whistled. "Make the king's warriors vanish if they come. . . what a deceitful turtledove you are." Aly smiled at the sky. "Oh, don't,"she replied in the tones of a flirtatious court lady. "Stop, I insist. Your flattery makes me blush." funny Tamora Pierce
265ab1c If you turn into a hideous monster and I am sent to slay you, I will remember this and make it as painless as I can, out of respect for you. funny humor sanya the-dresden-files lol Jim Butcher
287925e I brushed the curtain aside, scowling. Hadn't even spoken to the girl and I felt like a stalker staring out the window, waiting once more...waiting for what? To catch a glimpse of her? Or to better prepare myself for the inevitable meeting? If Dee saw me now, she'd be on the floor laughing. And if Ash saw me right now, she'd scratch out my eyes and blast my new neighbor into outer space. funny spying-katy stalking-kitten Jennifer L. Armentrout
a0f536c "Seven smirked as he walked back over to me. "I gave you catharsis last night. Twice." funny humor catharsis T.J. Klune
048b0a5 "Are you scared of going in to see the raghnaid [the council]?" asked a gray female pup. "Are you cag mag [crazy]? If a bear was his Milk Giver, you think he's scared of the raghnaid?" motherhood funny wolves Kathryn Lasky
c8dd12c I'm not the one going for a biology degree. I'm just a philosophy major who eats people. funny humor parasites zombies vampires Scott Westerfeld
210aa68 Then it suddenly and theatrically began to clean itself in the way cats do when they want you to know what a big deal you aren't. funny Adam Rex
1fe96ef When the world began, there were no such things as monsters. Demons were just fallen angels who, booted out of Heaven and bored with Hell, wandered the Earth sticking little girls' pigtails in inkwells and sinking the occasional continent. funny Richard Kadrey
586385e I am determined to have the headache Thursday, if I have to hit myself with a rock to do it. funny headache Patricia C. Wrede
8deb6e8 "Three Denises wobbled in front of her, all of them watching her with fond concern. "You're a sweetie. I appreciate you cheering me on from the sidelines. But I think I need to go to the bathroom now and throw up." humour romance funny Sarah Mayberry
541a23e "You have a boyfriend and you still don't want to watch a love story?" Cece's voice had an edge of snide to it. Stay calm, Lexie. I looked at her and said with a straight face. "I will not eat them in a house, I will not eat them with a mouse, I will not eat them in a box, I will not eat them with a fox. I will not eat them here or there I will not eat them anywhere." [...] "Ah, ah, ah man, Red just quoted Dr. Seuss!" [...] "In an argument" [...] "And totally won." funny B.L. Brunnemer
f267ef3 Have you ever thought about a Twelve Step program for people who talk too much? You could call it On and On Anon. funny humor Mary Doria Russell
9d30757 She was spoiled, but she wasn't lazy. She knew what she wanted, and because she believed absolutely that she could have everything she wanted if she tried hard enough to get it, she never stopped trying. woman happy fun friends books funny quote strength friendship life love gossip-girl book quotes knowledge Cecily von Ziegesar
bbaa2af "Once a Buddha, always a Buddha, Sam. Dust off some of your old parables. You have about fifteen minutes.' Sam held out his hand. "Give me some tobacco and a paper." funny religion sf Roger Zelazny
7462bba Owl love you forever funny humer David Sedaris
fa8a32d "That's all right," she told him. "I can manage. I can sleep outside just fine." Four pairs of eyes looked at her with a distinctly male skepticism." funny gaston male-skepticism fate-s-edge kaldar ilona-andrews the-edge george jack Ilona Andrews
8df7fc5 Breaking into the house in the middle of the night just wasn't his style. He did his best work in plain view, and, usually, his tongue was doing most of it. Now that was an interesting thought. funny kaldar ilona-andrews the-edge tongue Ilona Andrews
ff2e8c0 Pity, I've learned, is like a fart. You can tolerate your own, but you simply can't stand anyone else's. humour funny sadness pity joke sad Jonathan Tropper
6a2d044 Richard Feynman was fond of giving the following advice on how to be a genius. You have to keep a dozen of your favorite problems constantly present in your mind, although by and large they will lay in a dormant state. Every time you hear or read a new trick or a new result, test it against each of your twelve problems to see whether it helps. Every once in a while there will be a hit, and people will say, 'How did he do it? He must be a genius! funny humor richard-p-feynman richard-phillips-feynman richard-feynman feynman read genius joke favorite Gian-Carlo Rota
3ebd80b It was around then that the phone rang. It was my friend Cee Cee, wanting to know if I cared to join her and Adam McTavish at the Coffee Clutch to drink iced tea and talk bad about everyone we know. friends funny suze-simon Meg Cabot
a3df49d They told me that nothing was a sin, just a poor life choice. Poor impulse control. That nothing is evil. Any concept of right versus wrong, according to them, is merely a cultural construct relative to one specific time and place. They said that if anything should force us to modify our personal behavior it should be our allegiance to a social contract, not some vague, externally imposed threat of flaming punishment. true heaven fun funny motivational humor life inspirational hell chuck palahniuk
b63b03a "I understand we'll be attending your friend Miss Worthington's Christmas ball. Perhaps I'll find a suitable-- which is to say wealthy-- wife among the ladies attending." And perhaps they will run screaming for the convent." funny humor gemma doyle tom Libba Bray
11cb189 "I want to do it too!" said Gazzy, sitting very, very quietly, completely motionless. "Nope," said Nudge, shaking her head. "You stand out like a fart in church." funny fart powers lol James Patterson
8f7382b "She put her hand on her hip. "Where are you going?" "To the boat. You called me Lord Bill again. That means we're cool." Cerise slapped her forehead with the heel of her hand and followed him." funny lord-bill cerise ilona-andrews the-edge william Ilona Andrews
11ddd53 "A forest," William said, his expression distant. "Where the ground is dry soil and stone. Where tall trees grow and centuries of autumn carpet their roots. Where the wind smells of game and wildflowers." "Why, that was lovely, Lord Bill. Do you ever write poetry? Something for your blueblood lady?" "No." "She doesn't like poetry?" "Leave it." Hehe. "Oh, so you have a lady. How interes--" funny cerise ilona-andrews the-edge william Ilona Andrews
d005285 Best friends one, and now we have almost nothing to say to each other. It was interesting, how he had joined those guys and I just stayed on my own. I didn't like it or dislike it. It was just funny that things had turned out that way. friends funny the-way-things-turn-out interesting like Markus Zusak
efe1690 They thought more before nine a.m. than most people thought all month. I remember once declining cherry pie at dinner, and Rand cocked his head and said, 'Ahh! Iconoclast. Disdains the easy, symbolic patriotism.' And when I tried to laugh it off and said, well, I didn't like cherry cobbler either, Marybeth touched Rand's arm: 'Because of the divorce. All those comfort foods, the desserts a family eats together, those are just bad memories for Nick.' It was silly but incredibly sweet, these people spending so much energy trying to figure me out. The answer: I don't like cherries. irony thoughts memories funny over-thinking broken-home cherry-pie the-mind iconoclast psychologist divorce childhood-memories simplicity ironic patriotism logic childhood symbolism psychology Gillian Flynn
9b23b2f We conquer the Independence Day aliens by having a Macintosh laptop computer upload a software virus to the mothership (which happens to be one-fifth the mass of the Moon), thus disarming its protective force field. I don't know about you, but back in 1996 I had trouble just uploading files to other computers within my own department, especially when the operating systems were different. There is only one solution: the entire defense system for the alien mothership must have been powered by the same release of Apple Computer's system software as the laptop computer that delivered the virus. funny software apple computers space Neil deGrasse Tyson
6ae09d9 Her engagement ring has a Dwayne Johnson of a diamond on it... funny engagement-ring the-rock Laura Steven
fddf4b3 He wears his cockiness like an ironic T-shirt, but it fits him better. irony men funny manwhore t-shirt Gillian Flynn
17bc76e The world is full of unrequited love,' I said finally. 'You and Patrick having problems?' Dad said, reaching around to get the butter out of the fridge. 'No, I was just wondering what you would say if I was a lesbian.' 'Come again?' said Lester. 'I'm having a hard time following this conversation. funny family love fridge brother lesbian dinner problems conversation random sexuality father unrequited-love Phyllis Reynolds Naylor
1 2 3 4 5 ▲ ▼