Site uses cookies to provide basic functionality.

OK
1 2 3 4 5 ▲ ▼
Link Quote Stars Tags Author
1910cca Whatever my ancestors did to you, none of them consulted me. funny Tad Williams
cdcf354 I was shown into a room. A red room. Red wallpaper, red curtains, red carpet. They said it was a sitting-room, but I don't know why they'd decided to confine its purpose just to sitting. Obviously, sitting was one of the things you could do in a room this size; but you could also stage operas, hold cycling races, and have an absolutely cracking game of frisbee, all at the same time, without having to move any of the furniture. It could rain in a room this big. enormous funny hyperbole rooms Hugh Laurie
7bbe6de "Fang swerved closer to me, big and supremely graceful, like a black panther with wings. Oh, God. I'm so stupid. Forget I just said that. "He needs a Band-Aid," I said. A look passed between me and Fang, full of suppressed humor, relief, understanding,love -- Forget I said that too. I don't know what's wrong with me." flying friendship funny humor lol love relief understanding wings James Patterson
10f9f09 You're funny, and you're smart, and you may show up late, but you always show up eventually. funny late show-up smart John Green
4f87328 Aelin would likely laughed to see him now. The man who had stumbled out of her room after she'd declared that her cycle had arrived. Now sitting in this fine room, mostly naked and not giving a shit about it. chaol-westfall funny Sarah J. Maas
6870636 An apple a day keeps the doctor away. No one's immune to bribery. funny loki Joanne Harris
bc425d5 "Doode," George said. He'd practiced all morning but still didn't get it quite right. "Nope, more , less . Duuude." "Dude." "Dude." "Okay, dude." George nodded. "How's it hanging?" Jack asked. "How am I supposed to answer that?" George looked at him. "I don't think Kaldar said anything about that. I guess 'good'? I don't get it. What's hanging anyway?" George shook his head. "Your stuff, you nimwit." His stuff... "In that case, it's hanging long!" Jack dissolved in giggles. "Long, get it?" fate-s-edge funny george hanging ilona-andrews jack perverted the-edge Ilona Andrews
477895c "I spy, with my little eye, something that starts with ... G." "Sausages." funny i-spy Adam Rex
796c569 Basil Stag Hare tut-tutted severely as he remarked to Ambrose Spike, 'Tch, tch. Dreadful table manners. Just look at those three wallahs, kicking up a hullaballoo like that! Eating's a serious business. eating funny hare-talk Brian Jacques
61c904e "Kid 1: *examining my gorgeous strawberry and blueberry pies*: Wow, Mom, your pies don't look awful this time. Me (Ilona): ... ~A little later~ Kid 2: *wandering into the kitchen* Kid 1: Hey, you've got to see these pies. *opening the stove* funny ilona-andrews ilona-andrews-website kids pie thanksgiving Ilona Andrews
17ce1d5 "Fred and George exchanged looks. "You don't mind if we don't kiss you, do you, Ron?" said Fred in a falsely anxious voice. "We could curtsy, if you like," said George. "Oh, shut up," said Ron, scowling at them." funny harry-potter J.K. Rowling
6ad8578 If you want to see something funny, it's a tough hood sticking his tongue out at his big brother. funny siblings S.E. Hinton
90937e1 "Let come the forces of night! We will stand!" "We will get the hell out of here is what we will do," I muttered." fight funny humor Jim Butcher
e2f1cde "Easy for you to say. You're the one who got plowed. I was doing the plowing." Cam's mouth opened. Oh my God, did I really just say that? I had." cam funny haha jennifer-l-armentrout lol wait-for-you Jennifer L. Armentrout
8a1e082 "At the door, Audrey called, "Are you coming?" "No, just breathing hard, love." He glanced at her and was rewarded by an outraged glare, followed by, "Oh, my God!" fate-s-edge funny ilona-andrews kaldar the-edge Ilona Andrews
790f5c4 "There are many other little refinements too, Mr. Bohlen. You'll see them all when you study the plans carefully. For example, there's a trick that nearly every writer uses, of inserting at least one long, obscure word into each story. This makes the reader think that the man is very wise and clever. So I have the machine do the same thing. There'll be a whole stack of long words stored away just for this purpose." Where?" In the 'word-memory' section," he said, epexegetically." funny humor humour Roald Dahl
722929b "Amren," Rhys drawled, "sends her regards. And as for this one ... " I tried not to flinch away from meeting his stare. "She's mine," he said quietly, but viciously enough that Devlon and his warriors nearby heard. "And if any of you lay a hand on her, you lose that hand. And then you lose your head." I tried not to shiver, as Cassian and Mor showed no reaction at all. "And once Feyre is done killing you," Rhys smirked, "then I'll grind your bones to dust." a-court-of-thorns-and-roses feyre funny funny-quotes rhysand Sarah J. Maas
fbdbddf Use that fluff of yours you call a brain. funny humor stupidity Agatha Christie
6aac37e "Did I hurt you in the parking lot?" "No, m'lady. I fell, so I could put a tracker on your car." Great." fate-s-edge funny george ilona-andrews the-edge Ilona Andrews
ca070e3 "I squinted at her. "You're an adult." "You're an adult too." "But you're an older adult. You've had more practice." Mom leaned back and laughed." funny relatable Ilona Andrews
7ea604f I'm telling you, Augustus Waters talked so much that he'd interrupt you at his own funeral. funeral funny John Green
438dcd1 It kind of struck me how great it would be to go out with a guy that size. And if you, you know, got tired of dating him, you could always use him as a house or something. funny humor humour size Catherine Gilbert Murdock
ba3a19b "Listen, Harr,y can I have a go on it? Can I?" "I don't think anyone should ride that broom just yet!" said Hermoine shrilly. Harry and Ron looked at her. "What d'you think Harry's going to do with it - sweep the floor?" said Ron." firebolt funny harry-potter hermoine humor ron J.K. Rowling
924f3a2 "Jackson asked, "Where'd the water come from in your house?" "A pipe." Then he explained to Jackson, "Water travels in pipes." evie flooding funny jack jackson kresley-cole matthew poison-princess water Kresley Cole
97b854d "D'you know what that - (he called Snape something that made Hermoine say "Ron!")" - is making me do? I've got to scrub out the bedpans in the hospital wing. Without magic!" He was breathing deeply, his fists clenched. "Why couldn't Black have hidden in Snape's office, eh? He could have finished him off for us!" detention funny humor ron snape J.K. Rowling
7a034b8 "Glaring at the Gasman, ter Borcht said, "Your time is coming to an end, you pathetic failure of an experiment. Vhat you say now is how you vill be remembered." Gazzy's blue eyes flashed. "Then you can remember me telling you to kiss my-" "Enough!" ter Borcht said." badass cool-response death end funny gazzy-i-love-u good-guy lol James Patterson
c1c648f "Lia let out a low growl and moved her arrow to the base of his fat throat. "What do you think, Gabi? Would you like to see these nuptials through?" "Not this day," I said "How about on the morrow?" Marcello asked, smiling and lifting my hand to his lips. "If I am your groom?" "Hold that eHarmony thought," Lia whispered in English. "We gotta get out of here." funny gabriella lia marcello Lisa Tawn Bergren
1195f07 Just stay close to us. If we get in trouble, we'll kill everything. cerise fate-s-edge funny ilona-andrews the-edge violent Ilona Andrews
572c6e3 There you have it: our lives in a nutshell. Emphasis on nut. funny life lol nuts James Patterson
c30f435 "I broke up with this girl, and they put me with a psychiatrist who said, 'Why did you get so depressed, and do all those things you did?' I said, 'I wanted this girl and she left me.' And he said,'Well, we have to look into that.' And I said, 'There's nothing to look into! I wanted her and she left me.' And he said, 'Well, why are you feeling so intense?' And I said, 'Cause I want the girl!' And he said, 'What's underneath it?' And I said, 'Nothing!' He said, 'I'll have to give you medication.' I said, 'I don't want medication! I want the girl!' film funny humor Woody Allen
f76c3a9 Was it my fault that I got out of hand? --Loki funny humor humour loki Joanne Harris
87ccb7c "The only way to make sure that the Hand didn't get to you would have been to kill your brother. I could've done it, but I didn't. I just gave him some drugs." "You gave an addict in rehab drugs, and you want credit for it?" "Of course it sounds bad when you put it that way." audrey fate-s-edge funny ilona-andrews kaldar the-edge Ilona Andrews
2633f68 He had the prettiest hair she had ever seen on a man: dark brown, almost black, and soft like sable, it fell down to his shoulders. She wondered what he'd do if she threw some mud in it. Probably kill her. cerise funny hair ilona-andrews the-edge william Ilona Andrews
773db90 If his drunkenness had legs, it would be Alexander the Great and conquer the known world. Then it would puke for a week into a solid gold toilet it stole from Zeus's guest room. funny Richard Kadrey
7d61dd4 "I found this, though," Gazzy said excitedly, holding up a small green box. "Gas-X! Like, 'X' for explosion! This is great! I'm thinking I rig this with a detonator and-" "Did you find that in the medicine cabinet?" Dylan asked. "Yeah." "It's for upset stomachs," Dylan said, trying to hide a smile. He pointed to the words on the box. "It's to reduce gas in you digestive system, not to create more gas to make explosions." Gazzy's face fell as Iggy said, "Really? Gazzy, take it! Take the whole box!" funny gas humor iggy-i-love-you lol James Patterson
e5f48e7 "He's bound to have done ," Nobby repeated. In this he was echoing the Patrician's view of crime and punishment. If there was crime, there should be punishment. If the specific criminal should be involved in the punishment process then this was a happy accident, but if not then any criminal would do, and since everyone was undoubtedly guilty of something, the net result was that, , justice was done." ethics funny justice punishment Terry Pratchett
80c5c24 "You are not showing her my baby pictures!" He sounded horrified, which made me laugh. "Come on, Evan," I teased with a laughing smile, "you were adorable." baby-pictures breathing emma-thomas evan-mathews funny love reason-to-breathe rebecca-donovan sweet Rebecca Donovan
941c02f I never thought I'd hear myself say it, but safety first! funny harrypotter lol safety weasley weasleytwins J.K. Rowling
c344569 "What's a slut?" I ask him. "A girl who puts out too easily." "Puts out what?" I imagine Greer putting out dinner and don't understand what Iwan wouldn't like about that. "Puts out, you know..." His face, already beet red from our run, turns a darker scarlet. "Sex." I wonder where Greer puts the sex out." funny ya Rachel Cohn
3beed9f "Put me down, I'm too heavy." "You're small enough to fit in my pocket." funny humour romance Sarah Mayberry
79372f1 "Weetzie could see him--it was a man, a little man in a turban, with a jewel in his nose, harem pants, and curly-toed slippers. "Lanky Lizards!" Weetzie exclaimed. "Greetings," said the man in an odd voice, a rich, dark purr. "Oh, shit!" Weetzie said. "I beg your pardon? Is that your wish?" funny genies humor weetzie-bat wishes Francesca Lia Block
c9b9067 "Tell me, Lothaire, I want to know. Convince me why I should love you." "Because any other female would!" funny humour paranormal-romance romance Kresley Cole
2448046 "If it winds up earlier, you should have a movie picked out. This is assuming she isn't sending you the 'let's go back to my place' signals. In that case--" "Don't go there, Bob. Let's just not go there." friendships funny humor Nora Roberts
8110548 "It can hardly be a coincidence that no language on Earth has ever produced the expression "as pretty as an airport". Airports are ugly. Some are very ugly. Some attain a degree of ugliness that can only be the result of a special effort. This ugliness arises because airports are full of people who are tired, cross, and have just discovered that their luggage has landed in Murmansk (...) and the architects have on the whole tried to reflect this in their designs. They have sought to highlight the tiredness and crossness motif with brutal shapes and nerve jangling colours, to make effortless the business of separating the traveller from his or her luggage or loved ones, to confuse the traveller with arrows that appear to point at the windows, distant tie racks, or the current position of the Ursa Minor in the night sky, and wherever possible to expose the plumbing on the grounds that it is functional, and conceal the location of the departure gates, presumably on the grounds that they are not"." description funny Douglas Adams
1b3f462 I can do this, I lied to myself feebly. No one was going to bite me. funny twilight vampire Stephenie Meyer
086375a Stop hiding condoms in my stuff. It's like some twisted Easter egg hunt in there. funny lucy over-protective Alyxandra Harvey
c976314 The elevator shaft was a kind of heat sink. Hot food was cold by the time it arrived. Cold food got colder. No one knew what would happen to ice cream, but it would probably involve some rewriting of the laws of thermodynamics. funny Terry Pratchett
2d0f66f "Everybody in!" I said. Which was when we discovered the final problem. Little Echos aren't designed to hold six, count them six, larger-than-average-sized children. And their wings. And a dog. "This is like a clown car," Total grumbled front my lap in the front seat. "Why does the dog get to sit in your lap?'' Gazzy asked plaintively, as we rattled and banged down the dark streets. "How about a kid?" "Oh. 'The dog.' Very nice," said Total. "Because you're not allowed to have people on your lap in the front seats," I explained. "It's not safe. If a cop saw us, we'd be stopped for sure. You want Total back there?" Everyone in the back screamed no at the same time." dog funny lol talking-dog James Patterson
e81b7b7 "Four times during the first six days they were assembled and briefed and then sent back. Once, they took off and were flying in formation when the control tower summoned them down. The more it rained, the worse they suffered. The worse they suffered, the more they prayed that it would continue raining. All through the night, men looked at the sky and were saddened by the stars. All through the day, they looked at the bomb line on the big, wobbling easel map of Italy that blew over in the wind and was dragged in under the awning of the intelligence tent every time the rain began. The bomb line was a scarlet band of narrow satin ribbon that delineated the forward most position of the Allied ground forces in every sector of the Italian mainland. For hours they stared relentlessly at the scarlet ribbon on the map and hated it because it would not move up high enough to encompass the city. When night fell, they congregated in the darkness with flashlights, continuing their macabre vigil at the bomb line in brooding entreaty as though hoping to move the ribbon up by the collective weight of their sullen prayers. "I really can't believe it," Clevinger exclaimed to Yossarian in a voice rising and falling in protest and wonder. "It's a complete reversion to primitive superstition. They're confusing cause and effect. It makes as much sense as knocking on wood or crossing your fingers. They really believe that we wouldn't have to fly that mission tomorrow if someone would only tiptoe up to the map in the middle of the night and move the bomb line over Bologna. Can you imagine? You and I must be the only rational ones left." In the middle of the night Yossarian knocked on wood, crossed his fingers, and tiptoed out of his tent to move the bomb line up over Bologna." bologna catch-22 funny hope humor inspiration meditation prayer rational superstition war yossarian Joseph Heller
2367342 Sneaky would be a lime-green Volkswagen. Nobody would suspect the assassins in the lime-green Volkswagen. funny sneaky Adam Rex
188a414 "You're supposed to be a spirit of intellect. I don't understand why you're obsessed with sex." Bob's voice got defensive. "It's an academic interest, Harry." "Oh yeah? Well maybe I don't think it's fair to let your academia go peeping in other people's houses." "Wait a minute. My academia doesn't -" I held up a hand. "Save it. I don't want to hear it." He grunted. "You're trivializing what getting out for a bit means to me, Harry. You're insulting my masculinity." "Bob," I said, "you're a . You don't any masculinity to insult." "Oh yeah?" Bob challenged me. "Pot kettle black, Harry! Have you gotten a date yet? Huh? Most men have something better to do in the middle of the night than play with their chemistry sets." bob funny Jim Butcher
074de86 "You're supposed to be a spirit of intellect. I don't understand why you're obsessed with sex." Bob's voice got defensive. "It's an academic interest, Harry." "Oh yeah? Well maybe I don't think it's fair to let your academia go peeping in other people's houses." "Wait a minute. My academia doesn't -" I held up a hand. "Save it. I don't want to hear it." He grunted. "You're trivializing what getting out for a bit means to me, Harry. You're insulting my masculinity." "Bob," I said, "you're a . You don't any masculinity to insult." "Oh yeah?" Bob challenged me. "Pot kettle black, Harry! Have you gotten a date yet? Huh? Most men have something better to do in the middle of the night than play with their chemistry sets." -- bob funny Jim Butcher
b2c69e2 As I stepped onto the gloomy landing a word formed in my mind: two syllables, starts with a V and rhymes with dire. I froze in place. Nightingale said that everything was true, after a fashion, and that had to include vampires, didn't it? I doubted they were anything like they were in books and on TV, and one thing was for certain -- they absolutely weren't going to sparkle in the sunlight. funny humour sparkle vampires Ben Aaronovitch
2411713 This one's for Alaska Young! funny looking-for-alaska John Green
771540f AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!' he screamed. 'So that's Sara,' I said. 'Yes.' 'She seems nice. colonel funny john-green looking-for-alaska miles pudge John Green
ca55970 I've been thinking about that proof I spoke of last time - that you're where you're supposed to be. And it occurred to me, can you prove you'd be better off somewhere else? If you'd have left the state, your relationship would have ended still. Maybe you'd have even blamed yourself, not knowing that it was doomed because of him, either way. Instead, you're here. You got dumped, skipped class, and met the best econ tutor at the university! Who knows, maybe I'll make you fall in love with economics. funny life love love-story Tammara Webber
918281b "...Ty grabbed my phone and threatened to tell Otter that I liked being spanked during sex. This proceeded to lead up on a long tangent where I had to have him explain to me how he knows about stuff like people getting spanked during sex. He said he might have heard it mentioned while watching MSNBC. I told him he was grounded from watching the news channels for a week. That's where this whole sidebar should have ended, but then I was forced to explain S & M and bondage to my little brother, who was persistent on the topic, and who kept staring at me with mounting horror when I finally /did/ explain, and I realized I had maybe gone too far, and we had to spend the next five minutes swearing to God that I had never nor would I ever attempt to do anything like that. He might now be the only nine-year-old who has heard the terms "cock ring" and "fisting". My parenting skills are unparalleled." child funny m-m parenting romance T.J. Klune
c4dffc3 Put that in your mustache and smoke it. funny humor mrs-oliver poirot Agatha Christie
98379af "You're not going to tell me they built fifty-foot-high killer golems, are you?" "Only a man would think of that. It's our job," said Moist. "If you don't think of fifty-foot-high killer golems first, someone else will." funny humor irony men weapons Terry Pratchett
d788707 When Matthew merely stared at him, Jackson reached into the weapon box and pulled out a sheathed machete, handing it to the boy. Matthew laughed and dropped it. evie funny jackson matthew poison-princess weapons Kresley Cole
ad7b603 "I groaned. "All the time. I thought I was going crazy." "Duude," he said in agreement. "And before the Flash, all kinds of freaky shit was happening to me. I started speaking this wierd Language. And stuff started transforming- but only in front of me. I saw my cat walking on the ceiling, saw lava coming out of a faucet. The worst? I was doing this girl, and suddenly she looked like my gym teacher!" funny Kresley Cole
0ef0d38 He'd given her the mother of all hangovers - a run-in with the wrath of grapes. funny kresley-cole Kresley Cole
b34a3d0 "We're clear," she said. "You're kind of a psycho. I get that" funny morganville-vampires Rachel Caine
5317c7f "The pigs can't stop the fox; I'm too quick,' Takumi said to himself. "I can rhyme while I run; I'm that slick." funny looking-for-alaska miles pudge takumi John Green
dee5263 I'm a librarian in town,' she began. 'You sure about that?' The words popped out before he could stop them. Annabelle raised her eyebrows. 'Fairly. It's my job and so far no one has told me to go away when I show up for work.' he thought, 'I was expecting someone wearing glasses. You know. Because librarians read a lot.' The raised eyebrows turned into a frown. 'You need to get out of the barn more. awkward-encounters foot-in-mouth funny librarians shane Susan Mallery
0bfd6a9 "Francesca took a navy blue sheath from a hanger and held it up. "This is darling, Gabriel. Don't you love it? You're right, I think we need to concentrate on much more feminine articles of clothing." He reached around her and fingered the soft material. "Where is the rest of it?" He was very serious, his dark eyes searching her face for signs she was teasing." christine-feehan funny Christine Feehan
e2f2ed2 I say if a novelty Christmas song is funny one time, then it is funny every time. - Calvin calvin calvin-and-hobbes funny song Bill Watterson
54c7291 "That was the best Defense Against the Dark Arts lesson we've ever had, wasn't it?" said Ron... "He seems like a very good teacher," said Hermoine approvingly. "But I wish I could have had a turn with the boggart -" "What would it have been for you?" said Ron sniggering, "A piece of homework that only got nine out of ten?" funny hermoine humor ron J.K. Rowling
3ebcd20 "Fredrika Bimm, what do you think you're doing?" "Freaking out. Losing my mind. Thinking about snapping your husband's spine. Squashing the urge to vomit. Wishing I had died at childbirth." "Oh, you say that when you don't get a prize in your Lucky Charms." funny humour MaryJanice Davidson
6740a3a "It was a still night, tinted with the promise of dawn. A crescent moon was just setting. Ankh-Morpork, largest city in the lands around the Circle Sea, slept. That statement is not really true On the one hand, those parts of the city which normally concerned themselves with, for example, selling vegetables, shoeing horses, carving exquisite small jade ornaments, changing money and making tables, on the whole, slept. Unless they had insomnia. Or had got up in the night, as it might be, to go to the lavatory. On the other hand, many of the less law-abiding citizens were wide awake and, for instance, climbing through windows that didn't belong to them, slitting throats, mugging one another, listening to loud music in smoky cellars and generally having a lot more fun. But most of the animals were asleep, except for the rats. And the bats, too, of course. As far as the insects were concerned... The point is that descriptive writing is very rarely entirely accurate and during the reign of Olaf Quimby II as Patrician of Ankh some legislation was passed in a determined attempt to put a stop to this sort of thing and introduce some honesty into reporting. Thus, if a legend said of a notable hero that "all men spoke of his prowess" any bard who valued his life would add hastily "except for a couple of people in his home village who thought he was a liar, and quite a lot of other people who had never really heard of him." Poetic simile was strictly limited to statements like "his mighty steed was as fleet as the wind on a fairly calm day, say about Force Three," and any loose talk about a beloved having a face that launched a thousand ships would have to be backed by evidence that the object of desire did indeed look like a bottle of champagne." funny humor poetic-simile Terry Pratchett
3f9fa83 Life is too short to dance with ugly men funny so-true Christina Dodd
cb88781 Great minds think alike-especially when they are female. dowager-queen funny Christina Dodd
8e4ecc6 "Imagine for a moment that you are the proud owner of a large house which you have spent years of your life painting and decorating and filling with everything you love. It's your home. It's something you've made your own, something for you to be remembered by, something that, perhaps years later, your children and grandchildren can visit and get a view of your life in. It's part of your creativity, your hard work... it's your property. Now suppose you decide to go camping for a couple of weeks. You lock your door and assume that nobody is going to break in... but they do, and when you return home, to your horror you find that not only do these trespassers break in, but they also have quite uniquely imaginative ways of disrespecting, vandalizing and corrupting everything within your property. They light fires on your lawn, your topiary hedges are in heaps of black ashes. There's some blatantly obscene graffiti splattered across your front door, offensive images and rude words splashed on the walls and windows. Your television has been tipped over. Your photographs of family and friends have had the heads cut out of them. There's mold growing in the refrigerator, bottles of booze tipped over on the table, and cigarette smoke embedded into the carpeting. Your beloved houseplants are dead, your furniture has been stripped down and ruined. Basically, the thing you've spent years working for and creating within your lifetime has been tampered with to the point where it is just a grim joke. books copyright fanfiction funny geek ghost grave house imagine metaphor pervy respect sherlock vandalism Rebecca McNutt
e959214 "Great," Shane said. "Look i'd rather not be on janitorial duty. I have allergies to cleaners." funny morganville-vampires Rachel Caine Black Dawn
b3c572d "Invalidating a woman's life choices by saying things like, "Oh, but you'll regret it if you don't have kids," or, "I didn't think I wanted kids either until I had one," is like me going to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting and telling the newly sober that eventually when they grow old, they'll want to take the edge off with a little gin and tonic and that if they could only just be mature enough to control themselves, they could go on a fun wine-tasting tour in the Napa Valley." comedy funny kids women Jen Kirkman
550280e "She needed Andrew Simpson Smith, it was that simple. And he had spent his life training to help people like her. Gods. "Okay, Andrew. But let's leave today. I'm in a hurry." "Of course. Today." He stroked the place where his slight beard was beginning to grow. "These ruins where your friends are waiting? Where are they?" Tally glances up at the sun, still low enough to indicate the eastern horizon. After a moment's calculation, she pointed off to the northwest, back toward the city and beyond that, the Rusty Ruins. "About a week's walk that way." "A week?" "That means seven days." "Yes, I know the gods' calendar," he said huffily. "But a whole week?" "Yeah. That's not so far, is it?" The hunters had been tireless on their march the night before. He shook his head, an awed expression on his face. "But that is beyond the edge of the world." funny time world Scott Westerfeld
a4b863f You're not exactly up for the Humanitarian of the Year award, so save your altruism for someone who can't see through you like cellophane. cellophane cellophane-wrap fake funny hokey humanitarian jesus-complex messiah-complex pretend pretentious see-through self-righteousness Rebecca McNutt
8e537d4 "Well, bloody noses." I hug his coat tighter. "Those are definitely hot." funny hot humor romantic-comedy sarcasm Stephanie Perkins
b30643e In any given situation there will always be more dumb people than smart people. We ain't many! funny intelligence mindfulness sincere truthfulness wisdom Ken Kesey
e4cbbe1 "Audrey turned to him, a sly little spark hiding in her eyes. "THe only man who gets to call me'love' would be waking up next to me after a very, very fun night. "Guess what?" She leaned closer. "You will never be that man." fate-s-edge fun funny ilona-andrews kaldar the-edge Ilona Andrews
628f6d7 "Apollo stepped toward Athena. "Let's break down this idea step-by-step. How would we be able to use Perses? The last time I checked, he was in Tartarus." "He is still there." Athena tipped her chin up. "And as you know, he is not dead. He is only entombed." "And how do you think we're going to release him?" Apollo demanded, brows slashed. "Zeus would never agree to this." "I am Zeus' favorite child." Her smile beamed. Apollo's blue eyes rolled." athena funny zeus Jennifer L. Armentrout
1a815fe Dear Josh, we stopped by to fuck you but you didn't answer the door. Therefore you are gay. Sincerely, Tiffany and Amber. funny gay letter teenagers Daniel Clowes
2cc7163 "My dear fellow " Said Albert, turning to Franz " here is an admirable adventure; we will fill our carriage with pistols, blunderbusses, and double-barreled shotguns. Luigi Vampa comes to take us, and we take him - we bring him back to Rome , and present him to him holiness the Pope, who asks how he can repay so great a service; Then we merely ask for a cariage and a pair of horses, and we will see the Carnival in the carriage , and doubtless the Roman people will crown us at the capitol , and proclaim us, like Curtius and the veiled Horatius, the preservers of there country." Whilst Albert proposed this scheme, signor Pastrini's face assumed an expression impossible to describe." funny humor idea Alexandre Dumas
bbf9a6d "Mel exhaled. "Why are you forcing me into the voice-of-reason role? You know that never works out for us." evie funny kresley-cole mel melissa poison-princess reason Kresley Cole
1e15d58 "This doesn't mean you're getting a discount." Audrey heaved a mock sigh. "Oh well. I guess I'll have to ply you with sexual favors, then." Gnome choked on the soup. "I'm old enough to be your grandfather!" Audrey winked at him, gathering the empty bags. "But you're not." fate-s-edge funny gnome ilona-andrews the-edge Ilona Andrews
d0326a4 I lied. I do that, you know, when it suits me. I would have thought you'd realized that by now. funny Anne Stuart
0e91de3 "I hate you.' funny perks perks-of-being-a-wallflower wallflower Stephen Chbosky
190a474 I stared at Irys. My Story Weaver had to be laughing his blue ass off right now. My future appeared to be a long twisted road fraught with knots, tangles and traps. Just the way I liked it. funny Maria V. Snyder
2de95a4 If ye canna see the bright side o' life, polish the dull side funny scottish Christina Dodd
00162fc I don't have a master. I'm not sure if I have an equal. funny Laurell K. Hamilton
b4e0a33 I've died before. It was boring, so I stood up. comics funny graphic-novels humor moon-knight warren-ellis Warren Ellis
aeee615 And I like a good horror story as much as the next person so long as they kill off some men too and not just girls. But the voices Joan heard were real. There's clear and substantiated proof they were real. She won battles that would otherwise have been lost because of what those voices told her in advance of them allowing the French generals to strategize in ways completely different than they did before Joan came along. People's lives were saved because of what those voices told her. funny Meg Cabot
8f6b291 "Fenchurch had red mullet and said it was delicious. Arthur had a swordfish steak and said it made him angry. He grabbed a passing waitress by the arm and berated her. "Why's this fish so bloody good?" he demanded, angrily." fish funny humor Douglas Adams
9c61e25 I haven't met that many women, human or angelic, who actually like to drive. In my experience they seem to be much more pragmatic about the whole thing than we are. For most males, driving is an extension of their masculinity; they have little fantasy scenarios going all the time - races, chases, and dramatic combat with other drivers. Females, on the other hand, generally seem to view driving as something you do to get somewhere. I know, crazy. funny men-and-women Tad Williams
efc9c6b Divination is turning out to be much more trouble than I could have foreseen, never having studied the subject myself. funny J.K. Rowling
b69f07b "And I meant to tell you: that was a one-in-a-thousand shot." She raised her hand. "Don't." "It was awesome," George confirmed. "It really was," Jack said. "His head exploded." fate-s-edge funny george ilona-andrew jack kaldar shot the-edge Ilona Andrews
e3129d4 "We have to stop anyway. I don't want you to regret this later. And I don't want your head to explode." "Really? You're so good that my head would explode?" It took him a moment. His expression changed from intense to speculative. "It's a possibility. I'm not a doctor, but Doolittle says it could happen." "That's a lot of expectation to live up to." "I exceed expectations." So modest, too." -- funny kate-daniels sex Ilona Andrews
5e63b28 Finally, this being America, there is the constant possibility of murder. funny muder Bill Bryson
bad3cb4 So you have your price. Your soul for a cookie. funny humor James Patterson
cc05ffa "Now you be careful in the real world" said Armpit " Not everyone is as nice as us." children-books funny holes Louis Sachar
a0c938d Tell the Queen that there's been a robin red-breast hanging about Kotir grounds. It flies down low and vanishes near the floor. Cludd thinks it might be something to do with those woodlanders. Now, I'm to say nothing to Fortunata or Ashleg... 'I must tell the Queen that a robin has seen Cludd hanging about. No, that's not right. I must tellt he robin taht Cludd has been hanging the Queen. funny thicktail-the-stoat Brian Jacques
3afe3e4 "Dear God," said Nudge under her breath, "I want real parents. But I want them to want me too. I want them to love me. I already love them. Please see what you can do. Thanks very much. Love, Nudge." Okay, so I'm not saying we were pros at this or anything. (Max thoughts)" desire funny god humor learning love parents praying James Patterson
ee0f03d Remove yourself, sir! david-mccullough funny history john-adams David McCullough
90f6927 "What part of Canada are you from, honey?" "THE LEFT PART," said Jay." funny Adam Rex
74f9530 "This isn't going to work," Justine murmured. "It is going to work," I told her, keeping my tone confident. "We'll breeze right in. The Rack will be with us." Justine glanced at me with an arched eyebrow. "The Rack?" "The Rack is more than just boobs, Justine," I told her soberly. "It's an energy field created by all living boobs. It surrounds us, penetrates us, and binds the galaxy together." -- dresden-files femininity funny geek girl-power harry-dresden humor molly-carpenter star-wars the-rack Jim Butcher
caeedc8 His life was a constant war with insensate objects that fell apart, or attacked him, or refused to function, or viciously got themselves lost as soon as they entered the sphere of his existence. funny Vladimir Nabokov
c1d6825 A horse blanket, Mel? I remembered what I was wearing. 'It tore in half when Hrani tried washing it. She was going to mend it. This piece was too small for a horse, but it was just right for me.' Bran laughed a little unsteadly. 'Mel. A . brother-and-sister funny horse Sherwood Smith
641e7e0 the Ankh-Morpork Trespassers' Society was originally the Explorers' Society until Lord Vetinari forcibly insisted that most of the places 'discovered' by the society's members already had people in them, who were already trying to sell snakes to the newcomers. explorers funny humour Terry Pratchett
3c0164c "I'm familiar with the myth, I'm merely surprised that a female would be familiar with the classics." "You must have a very limited experience with my sex," Alexandra said, surprised. "My grandfather said most women are every bit as intelligent as men." She saw his eyes take on the sudden gleam of suppressed laughter and assumed, mistakenly, that he was amused by her assessment of female intelligence rather than her remark about his inexperience with women." funny historical-romance woman-power Judith McNaught
f738c49 "I saw a dark void under the platform and had just enough time to think: "Fuck me he's a earthbender." funny pop-culture Ben Aaronovitch
be31fe2 "Lokeij whistled. "Make the king's warriors vanish if they come. . . what a deceitful turtledove you are." Aly smiled at the sky. "Oh, don't,"she replied in the tones of a flirtatious court lady. "Stop, I insist. Your flattery makes me blush." funny Tamora Pierce
c8dd12c I'm not the one going for a biology degree. I'm just a philosophy major who eats people. funny humor parasites vampires zombies Scott Westerfeld
b1e40fd Dick called, but he just left dirty voice-mail messages. Let's just say if I'm ever in the market for a massage involving canola oil and marabou feathers, I'm covered. dirty funny jane-jameson molly-harper nice-girls-don-t-have-fangs richard Molly Harper
1fe96ef When the world began, there were no such things as monsters. Demons were just fallen angels who, booted out of Heaven and bored with Hell, wandered the Earth sticking little girls' pigtails in inkwells and sinking the occasional continent. funny Richard Kadrey
287925e I brushed the curtain aside, scowling. Hadn't even spoken to the girl and I felt like a stalker staring out the window, waiting once more...waiting for what? To catch a glimpse of her? Or to better prepare myself for the inevitable meeting? If Dee saw me now, she'd be on the floor laughing. And if Ash saw me right now, she'd scratch out my eyes and blast my new neighbor into outer space. funny spying-katy stalking-kitten Jennifer L. Armentrout
a0f536c "Seven smirked as he walked back over to me. "I gave you catharsis last night. Twice." catharsis funny humor T.J. Klune
b1137dd He did not go much further, but sat down on the cold floor and gave himself up to complete miserableness, for a long while. He thought of himself frying bacon and eggs in his own kitchen at home - for he could feel inside that it was high time for some meal or other; but that only made him miserabler. funny miserabler tolkien J. R. R. Tolkien
210aa68 Then it suddenly and theatrically began to clean itself in the way cats do when they want you to know what a big deal you aren't. funny Adam Rex
586385e I am determined to have the headache Thursday, if I have to hit myself with a rock to do it. funny headache Patricia C. Wrede
048b0a5 "Are you scared of going in to see the raghnaid [the council]?" asked a gray female pup. "Are you cag mag [crazy]? If a bear was his Milk Giver, you think he's scared of the raghnaid?" funny motherhood wolves Kathryn Lasky
d7164f1 "The combination of ammonia and chloride can be lethal but I've discovered it can work miracles as long as you keep telling yourself, "I want to love, I want to live..." funny humor joke David Sedaris
265ab1c If you turn into a hideous monster and I am sent to slay you, I will remember this and make it as painless as I can, out of respect for you. funny humor lol sanya the-dresden-files Jim Butcher
541a23e "You have a boyfriend and you still don't want to watch a love story?" Cece's voice had an edge of snide to it. Stay calm, Lexie. I looked at her and said with a straight face. "I will not eat them in a house, I will not eat them with a mouse, I will not eat them in a box, I will not eat them with a fox. I will not eat them here or there I will not eat them anywhere." [...] "Ah, ah, ah man, Red just quoted Dr. Seuss!" [...] "In an argument" [...] "And totally won." funny B.L. Brunnemer
bbaa2af "Once a Buddha, always a Buddha, Sam. Dust off some of your old parables. You have about fifteen minutes.' Sam held out his hand. "Give me some tobacco and a paper." funny religion sf Roger Zelazny
7462bba Owl love you forever funny humer David Sedaris
f267ef3 Have you ever thought about a Twelve Step program for people who talk too much? You could call it On and On Anon. funny humor Mary Doria Russell
b63b03a "I understand we'll be attending your friend Miss Worthington's Christmas ball. Perhaps I'll find a suitable-- which is to say wealthy-- wife among the ladies attending." And perhaps they will run screaming for the convent." doyle funny gemma humor tom Libba Bray
3ebd80b It was around then that the phone rang. It was my friend Cee Cee, wanting to know if I cared to join her and Adam McTavish at the Coffee Clutch to drink iced tea and talk bad about everyone we know. friends funny suze-simon Meg Cabot
8deb6e8 "Three Denises wobbled in front of her, all of them watching her with fond concern. "You're a sweetie. I appreciate you cheering me on from the sidelines. But I think I need to go to the bathroom now and throw up." funny humour romance Sarah Mayberry
fa8a32d "That's all right," she told him. "I can manage. I can sleep outside just fine." Four pairs of eyes looked at her with a distinctly male skepticism." fate-s-edge funny gaston george ilona-andrews jack kaldar male-skepticism the-edge Ilona Andrews
a3df49d They told me that nothing was a sin, just a poor life choice. Poor impulse control. That nothing is evil. Any concept of right versus wrong, according to them, is merely a cultural construct relative to one specific time and place. They said that if anything should force us to modify our personal behavior it should be our allegiance to a social contract, not some vague, externally imposed threat of flaming punishment. fun funny heaven hell humor inspirational life motivational true chuck palahniuk
9d30757 She was spoiled, but she wasn't lazy. She knew what she wanted, and because she believed absolutely that she could have everything she wanted if she tried hard enough to get it, she never stopped trying. book books friends friendship fun funny gossip-girl happy knowledge life love quote quotes strength woman Cecily von Ziegesar
6a2d044 Richard Feynman was fond of giving the following advice on how to be a genius. You have to keep a dozen of your favorite problems constantly present in your mind, although by and large they will lay in a dormant state. Every time you hear or read a new trick or a new result, test it against each of your twelve problems to see whether it helps. Every once in a while there will be a hit, and people will say, 'How did he do it? He must be a genius! favorite feynman funny genius humor joke read richard-feynman richard-p-feynman richard-phillips-feynman Gian-Carlo Rota
ff2e8c0 Pity, I've learned, is like a fart. You can tolerate your own, but you simply can't stand anyone else's. funny humour joke pity sad sadness Jonathan Tropper
8df7fc5 Breaking into the house in the middle of the night just wasn't his style. He did his best work in plain view, and, usually, his tongue was doing most of it. Now that was an interesting thought. funny ilona-andrews kaldar the-edge tongue Ilona Andrews
11ddd53 "A forest," William said, his expression distant. "Where the ground is dry soil and stone. Where tall trees grow and centuries of autumn carpet their roots. Where the wind smells of game and wildflowers." "Why, that was lovely, Lord Bill. Do you ever write poetry? Something for your blueblood lady?" "No." "She doesn't like poetry?" "Leave it." Hehe. "Oh, so you have a lady. How interes--" cerise funny ilona-andrews the-edge william Ilona Andrews
8c86e29 You said she's a senior? Babe we're ALL crazy. crazy funny girl gossip love romance senior you Cecily von Ziegesar
8f7382b "She put her hand on her hip. "Where are you going?" "To the boat. You called me Lord Bill again. That means we're cool." Cerise slapped her forehead with the heel of her hand and followed him." cerise funny ilona-andrews lord-bill the-edge william Ilona Andrews
7056df8 "So, Harry,' said Dumbledore quietly. "Before you got lost in my thoughts, you wanted to tell me something.' 'Yes,' said Harry. 'Professor - I was in Divination just now, and - er - I fell asleep.' He hesitated here, wondering if a reprimand was coming, but Dumbledore merely said, 'Quite understandable. Continue." funny J.K. Rowling
efe1690 They thought more before nine a.m. than most people thought all month. I remember once declining cherry pie at dinner, and Rand cocked his head and said, 'Ahh! Iconoclast. Disdains the easy, symbolic patriotism.' And when I tried to laugh it off and said, well, I didn't like cherry cobbler either, Marybeth touched Rand's arm: 'Because of the divorce. All those comfort foods, the desserts a family eats together, those are just bad memories for Nick.' It was silly but incredibly sweet, these people spending so much energy trying to figure me out. The answer: I don't like cherries. broken-home cherry-pie childhood childhood-memories divorce funny iconoclast ironic irony logic memories over-thinking patriotism psychologist psychology simplicity symbolism the-mind thoughts Gillian Flynn
6ae09d9 Her engagement ring has a Dwayne Johnson of a diamond on it... engagement-ring funny the-rock Laura Steven
fddf4b3 He wears his cockiness like an ironic T-shirt, but it fits him better. funny irony manwhore men t-shirt Gillian Flynn
11cb189 "I want to do it too!" said Gazzy, sitting very, very quietly, completely motionless. "Nope," said Nudge, shaking her head. "You stand out like a fart in church." fart funny lol powers James Patterson
d005285 Best friends one, and now we have almost nothing to say to each other. It was interesting, how he had joined those guys and I just stayed on my own. I didn't like it or dislike it. It was just funny that things had turned out that way. friends funny interesting like the-way-things-turn-out Markus Zusak
1 2 3 4 5 ▲ ▼