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f731e42 You have more issues than Reader's Digest. funny humor mental-health psychology reader-s-digest Rebecca McNutt
d005285 Best friends one, and now we have almost nothing to say to each other. It was interesting, how he had joined those guys and I just stayed on my own. I didn't like it or dislike it. It was just funny that things had turned out that way. friends funny interesting like the-way-things-turn-out Markus Zusak
efe1690 They thought more before nine a.m. than most people thought all month. I remember once declining cherry pie at dinner, and Rand cocked his head and said, 'Ahh! Iconoclast. Disdains the easy, symbolic patriotism.' And when I tried to laugh it off and said, well, I didn't like cherry cobbler either, Marybeth touched Rand's arm: 'Because of the divorce. All those comfort foods, the desserts a family eats together, those are just bad memories for Nick.' It was silly but incredibly sweet, these people spending so much energy trying to figure me out. The answer: I don't like cherries. broken-home cherry-pie childhood childhood-memories divorce funny iconoclast ironic irony logic memories over-thinking patriotism psychologist psychology simplicity symbolism the-mind thoughts Gillian Flynn
8c86e29 You said she's a senior? Babe we're ALL crazy. crazy funny girl gossip love romance senior you Cecily von Ziegesar
9b23b2f We conquer the Independence Day aliens by having a Macintosh laptop computer upload a software virus to the mothership (which happens to be one-fifth the mass of the Moon), thus disarming its protective force field. I don't know about you, but back in 1996 I had trouble just uploading files to other computers within my own department, especially when the operating systems were different. There is only one solution: the entire defense system for the alien mothership must have been powered by the same release of Apple Computer's system software as the laptop computer that delivered the virus. apple computers funny software space Neil deGrasse Tyson
cfc1cf5 You don't appreciate a faithful husband when you've got one,' said Tommy. 'All my friends tell me you never know with husbands,' said Tuppance. 'You have the wrong kind of friends,' said Tommy. faithfulness friends funny humor husband husband-and-wife-relationship tommy-and-tuppance Agatha Christie
67ee32d "Says O'Sullivan to me, "Mr. Fay, I'll have a word wid yeh?" "Certainly," says I; "what can I do for you?" "Sell me your sea- boots, Mr. Fay," says O'Sullivan, polite as can be. "But what will you be wantin' of them?" says I. "'Twill be a great favour," says O'Sullivan. "But it's my only pair," says I; "and you have a pair of your own," says I. "Mr. Fay, I'll be needin' me own in bad weather," says O'Sullivan. "Besides," says I, "you have no money." "I'll pay for them when we pay off in Seattle," says O'Sullivan. "I'll not do it," says I; "besides, you're not tellin' me what you'll be doin' with them." "But I will tell yeh," says O'Sullivan; "I'm wantin' to throw 'em over the side." And with that I turns to walk away, but O'Sullivan says, very polite and seducin'-like, still a-stroppin' the razor, "Mr. Fay," says he, "will you kindly step this way an' have your throat cut?" And with that I knew my life was in danger, and I have come to make report to you, sir, that the man is a violent lunatic." funny humor sailor sea ship witty Jack London
14b5ffd "Oakley won't," the duke said. She turned and blinked. "I beg your pardon." "Lord Oakley. He won't forget to find us rooms. I've known him for years. The only thing that is making this bearable is that he must be dying inside over all this." "You don't like him?" "On the contrary. I've long considered him a friend. It's why I enjoy his misery so much." funny Julia Quinn
572bd08 "You have terminated me," one of them said in a strange, flat voice. "But I am one of many." "Robots!" Iggy breathed, taking Total from Angel. "One of many, one of many, one of many," the robot Eraser was saying. Now Nudge saw the red light in its eyes, saw how they were fading and winking out. bombs fight flying funny lol repeating robot James Patterson
8af855c At least I rescued your poor hot dog. coming-of-age disturbing fire frightening funny ghost ghoul gives-me-the-willies goosebumps grief hot-dog humor laugh lonely lord madness nostalgia pyrokinesis rescue savior scary sleepaway-camp spooky summer-camp teen teenage wiener wiener-roast R.L. Stine
4aaf0e0 The whole point of straws, I had thought, was that you did not have to set down the slice of pizza to suck a dose of Coke while reading a paperback. funny humor quirky Nicholson Baker
2321f83 "Would I laugh?" "Matter of fact, you would," says Zeb. "Heart like shale. What you need is a good fracking." funny pun puns shale Margaret Atwood
639288a "Care to explain?" Ari asked. "Didn't you see my signals?" "Yeah. But they didn't make sense. Five into one and it's an intrusion." "It's an illusion! Five of them are an illusion." "That's not the signal for illusion. This is." Ari demonstrated the proper signal. "That's what I did." "No, you didn't. You did a weird twisty thing with your pinky." "I had a scimitar at my throat. I'd like to see you try signaling under those conditions." -Janco and Ari bickering" bickering funny funny-and-random funny-humor funny-quotes Maria V. Snyder
240231d I'd say I needed to find myself, if that didn't sound like I was heading into the Himalayas, taking only a backpack stuffed with angst and clean underwear. backpacking funny lost-identity olivia Kelley Armstrong
900ae89 The Shrink always warned me that carriers stay wracked with lifelong guilt. It's not an uplifting thing having turned lovers into monsters. We feel bad that we haven't turned into monsters ourselves--survivor's guilt, that's called. And we feel a bit stupid that we didn't notice our own symptoms earlier. I mean, I'd been sort of wondering why the Atkins diet was giving me night vision. But that hadn't seemed like something to worry about... funny guilt humor ombies parasites vampires Scott Westerfeld
b134e22 "Charlie?' 'Uh-huh?' 'Do you like me?' 'Uh-huh.' 'You know what I mean?' 'Uh-huh.' 'Are you nervous?' 'Uh-huh.' funny nervous perks perks-of-being-a-wallflower sam wallflower Stephen Chbosky
00ff8db "Senator. If you call my friend a liar one more time, I will take it badly." "Excuse me?" Arnos said, his eyebrows rising up. "I suggest you find an alternate shortsighted, egomaniacally ridiculous reason to blatantly, recklessly ignore an obvious threat to the Realm simply because you don't wish it to exist. If you cannot restrain yourself from base slander, I will be pleased to meet you in and personally rip your forked tongue from your head." funny liar threat Jim Butcher
0fd861d I think it's something like Mr. Peter Sloane and the octogenarians. The other evening Mrs. Sloane was reading a newspaper ans she said to Mr. Sloane 'I see here that another octogenarian has just died. What is an Octogenarian, Peter?' And Mr. Sloane said he didn't know, but they must be very sickly creatures, for you never heard tell of them but they were dying. dying funny octogenarian L. M. Montgomery
1a8f375 Suddenly he caught his reflection in the mirror behind her. His face was twisted into a dark scowl, and he was standing there naked, with a boner, and another man's business card in his hand. He looked like a dick. funny humour romance Sarah Mayberry
31e7167 "Don't be so damned patronizing. Your performance so far has been a little less than dazzling." "I didn't mean no harm," I said and kissed her. "That a new dress?" "Ah! Changing the subject, you coward." coward funny humorous patronizing Dashiell Hammett
51b74d1 Oz lists the hem of his shirt, exposing his cut abs, and wipes his brow with the material. Oh my with chocolate on top. That was just beautiful. attractive funny hot oz Katie McGarry
1e1dda3 Seven billion who need to be kept happy, and docile, until the end. How do you do that? What's the best way to calm down a scared kid, get them to go back to sleep? Tell them a story. Some shit about Jesus or whatever. delusion docile dying frightened funny happy jesus people population religion scared sleep story terrified terrifying truth Neal Stephenson
f3dad7a I took a bite of lobster meat with rice. It was quite tasty. 'Arguing the morality of slaughter will send you into a tailspin of self-loathing every time.' 'Unless you're a vegan.' 'Uh-huh. But then you're a vegan and you don't count. funny vegan Julie Powell
7cbf85f In my defense, I was young and there was an open bar. funny Jonathan Tropper
1dabb3b "An evil spark flared in his eyes. "Trade: raccoon for some answers." funny ilona-andrews kaldar raccoon the-edge Ilona Andrews
3eb39f6 You take a very handsome guy, or a guy that thinks he's a real hot-shot, and they're always asking you to do them a big favor. Just because they're crazy about themself, they think you're crazy about them, too, and that you're just dying to do them a favor. It's sort of funny, in a way. dying favor funny handsome them themself think you-re J.D. Salinger
9257b4f What in the fuck are you? funny josie seth titans Jennifer L. Armentrout
0fe7c2b Hungry Joe was crazy, and no one knew it better than Yossarian, who did everything he could to help him. Hungry Joe just wouldn't listen to Yossarian. Hungry Joe just wouldn't listen because he thought Yossarian was crazy funny Joseph Heller
2390eb0 "Irene gasped. "Have you taken leave of your senses, Stuart?" she hissed. "Have you?" Stuart closed his eyes. "No," he said. "Au contraire." It was strong language for the Edinburgh New Town, but he had to say it. "Don't au contraire me," said Irene. But it was too late. He had." arguments bertie french funny nagging strong-language Alexander McCall Smith
9bad067 "His handsome face is suffused with rage. He stands before me shaking, then to my disgust, bursts into noisy tears; "I shall tell my mother of you!" he sobs and crashes out of the chamber" funny guilford-dudley innocent-traitor jane-grey Alison Weir
a64a16b Who wears masks?' 'Bank robbers?' 'No.' 'Really ugly people?' 'No.' 'Halloween? People wear masks at Halloween.' 'Yes! They do!' He flung his arms wide in delight. 'So that's important?' 'Not even a little bit. But it's true. funny Neil Gaiman
b091499 The first problem of any kind of even limited success is the unshakable conviction that you are getting away with something, and that at any moment now they will discover you. It's Imposter Syndrome, something my wife Amanda christened The Fraud Police. In my case, I was convinced that there would be a knock on the door, and a man with a clipboard (I don't know why he carried a clipboard, in my head, but he did) would be there, to tell me it was all over, and they had caught up with me, and now I would have to go and get a real job, one that didn't consist of making things up and writing them down, and reading books I wanted to read. creative-writing fraud-police funny inspiration make-good-art neil-gaiman writing Neil Gaiman
e1555b1 What if I got hit by lightning while walking with an umbrella? Ban umbrellas! Fight the menace of lightning! computers funny humor humour lightning terrorism umbrellas Cory Doctorow
cc20431 It was a monumental achievement that the serpentine tc'a had once upon a time gotten the knnn to understand the concept of trade: so nowadays knnn simply contacted a station, rushed onto its methane-dock and deposited whatever they liked, grabbed whatever they wanted and left. This was an improvement over their former behavior, in which they simply looted and left. funny negotiation piracy trade C.J. Cherryh
8aa2f5a Your--ah--intervention, shall we say, has simplified things in the palace enormously. We no longer have to worry about Salmissra's whims and peculiar appetites. We rule by committee, and we hardly ever find it necessary to poison each other anymore. No one's tried to poison me for months. funny garion polgara the-belgariad witty David Eddings
770ac17 "The priest DID have it coming, though," Lelldorin declared hotly. "What priest?" "The priest of Chaldan at that little chapel who wouldn't marry us because Arianna couldn't give him a document proving she had her family's consent. He was very insulting." "Did you break anything?" "A few of his teeth is about all-- and I stopped hitting him as soon as he agreed to perform the ceremony." funny garion hilarious lelldorin the-belgariad David Eddings
899d464 They can't expect anyone to actually pay for a shirt that says, 'I (picture of an elephant) the San Diego Zoo.' What does that even mean? funny t-shirt zoo Adam Rex
96de60d "And you, Lord Bridgerton," she replied in a tone that could have frozen champagne, "are almost as handsome as your brother." Colin snorted again, only this time it sounded as if he were being strangled. "Are you all right?" Miss Sheffield asked. "He's fine," Anthony barked. She ignored him, keeping her attention on Colin. "Are you certain?" Colin nodded furiously. 'Tickle in my throat." "Or perhaps a guilty conscience?" Anthony suggested. funny humor the-viscount-who-loved-me Julia Quinn
045e85d There were, however, a few exceptions. One was Norma Dodsworth, the poet, who had not unpleasantly drunk but had been sensible enough to pass out before any violent action proved necessary. He had been deposited, not very gently, on the lawn, where it was hoped that a hyena would give him a rude awakening. For all practical purposes he could, therefore, be regarded as absent. drink drunk funny humorous Arthur C. Clarke
66f8a83 "Yes it is" Eragon said before his courage left him "just like you" funny Christopher Paolini
4b7fb65 There were dumplings on the train, sold by grim men and women with deep lines cut into their faces by years and worry and hunger and misery. This was the provinces, the outer territories, the mysterious China that had sent millions of girls and boys to Canton to earn their fortunes in the Pearl River Delta. Matthew knew all their strange accents, he spoke their strange Mandarin language, but he was Cantonese, and these were not his people. Those were not his dumplings. funny humor Cory Doctorow
ef3a4c2 It would actually constitute more than a miracle, he realised. It would take divine intervention plus luck, plus some unknown element of cosmic wizardry. divine funny miracle shaw truth whole David Baldacci
7f4f40e V.L.A.D.: Vampire League Against Discrimination. funny humor vampires vlad Carrie Vaughn
e6ad656 I occasionally laugh and tell him that his imperturbability is worth three hundred milligrams of lithium a day to me, and it is probably true. funny lithium Kay Redfield Jamison
4032d13 "You are hereby warned that any movement on your part not explicitly endorsed by verbal authorization on my part may pose a direct physical risk to you, as well as consequential psychological and possibly, depending on your personal belief system, spiritual risks ensuing from your personal reaction to said physical risk. Any movement on your part constitutes an implicit and irrevocable acceptance of such risk," the first MetaCop says. There is a little speaker on his belt, simultaneously translating all of this into Spanish and Japanese. "Or as we used to say," the other MetaCop says, "freeze, sucker!" "Under provisions of The Mews at Windsor Heights Code, we are authorized to enforce law, national security concerns, and societal harmony on said territory also. A treaty between The Mews at Windsor Heights and White Columns authorizes us to place you in temporary custody until your status as an Investigatory Focus has been resolved." "Your ass is busted," the second MetaCop says. "As your demeanor has been nonaggressive and you carry no visible weapons, we are not authorized to employ heroic measures to ensure your cooperation," the first MetaCop says. "You stay cool and we'll stay cool," the second MetaCop says. "However, we are equipped with devices, including but not limited to projectile weapons, which, if used, may pose an extreme and immediate threat to your health and well-being." "Make one funny move and we'll blow your head off," the second MetaCop says." funny police Neal Stephenson
6ef2e83 Oliver has stated many times his dislike of hearing advice from his younger sister, so it is his own fault if he has not got sense enough to see which way the wind is blowing. brothers common-sense funny ignored siblings stupidity Patricia C. Wrede
550bf37 He was becoming aware that there was no such thing as over-the-top with Lawrence Davenport, as long as you were talking to Lawrence Davenport about Lawrence Davenport. funny Jeffrey Archer
9311341 "Alek coughed politely, "If I promise to avoid funny business, could you perhaps remove this knife from my throat?" funny Scott Westerfeld
3cea057 "None of my issues have included memory loss or unconscious actions," she said. Thomas squinted back at her. "If they had, how would you know it?" Molly frowned. "Valid point." funny wizard Jim Butcher
7e77646 Funny thing- Morgenstern's folk's were named Max and Valerie and his father was a doctor. family funny miracle-max s-morgenstern the-princess-bride valerie william-goldman William Goldman
6ea97ff But of course these are scientists. Tell them to leave something alone, and all they want to do is poke it with a stick. funny scientists shades-of-earth Beth Revis
9b57b4e A princess always takes care that her words are honeyed, for she may have to eat them funny princesses Christina Dodd
60491de "...What do you do with all your money?" "Me and the French hoard gold." funny gold hoarding humor money Dashiell Hammett
5742093 Mr. A calls me into his office and says he's got bad news and bad news, and which do I want first. I say the bad news. bad-news funny humor George Saunders
27cfb3b Time to do what he did best - plot dastardly acts. funny mastermind Eoin Colfer
e2a04a8 We're just frisking like little captive lambkins. friendship frisking fun funny laughing Tamora Pierce
ece28a9 Sexually active? Sexually ? Patrick and I hadn't even learned the fine points of kissing yet! I marched on down. 'For your information,' I said from the doorway, as both Dad and Lester jerked to attention, 'I am about as sexually active as a bag of spinach, and if you want to keep me on the porch and not out in the park somewhere behind the bushes, you'll keep the stupid porch light off when I come home with a boy. boys bushes father father-daughter-relationship funny humerous kissing light love outrage park porch sex sexually-active spinach stupid teen teenage teenage-girl yelling Phyllis Reynolds Naylor
b4dbfa8 "Kipster is a perfectly valid word," Wendy argued, about to write down her score on the little notepad that had come with the game. "Okay, so what does it mean?" Mandy wanted to know. Wendy struggled to come up with an answer, and finally just changed the subject with school gossip. Mandy found herself just ignoring it... it always sounded the same, the same events, same rumors, same secrets, same affairs, but never anything of interest to her. "Well Sarah's on drugs again and that's why she did it in Mario's backseat, but now she might be pregnant, oh, and that messed-up Seth kid's been cutting himself again so he was sent away to Halifax last week, and there's a festival in Wolfville but Kathy won't go because Audrey-Rose is going to be there and they hate each other, and...." Mandy had learned two years ago to detach herself from gossip; she'd learned it from Jud's death. Wendy may have been eighteen years old but she could be immature on the best of days." 80-s argue baby boring bullying canada cape-breton coming-of-age drama drama-queen eating eighties fighting funny game gossip growing-up kipster maturity nostalgia nova-scotia pollution rumors scary scrabble self-harm suicide teenage words Rebecca McNutt
cd06039 One of the many downsides to being a drug addict is never really knowing if the stuff is real. downside drug drug-addict druggie funny humor junkie Rebecca McNutt
66d547c "A breath?" she asked. She didn't want to kiss just any wooden man. He looked nice enough, but he might not be like his looks. A kiss seemed very forward. He might remember it, and make assumptions." cute funny sweet Garth Nix
1f2b0c9 "When in doubt, know your way out, I always say." "I thought you always said, 'When in doubt, blame the dark elves.'" "Well, yeah, that too." " druid elves food funny lunch Kevin Hearne
f10b249 "You should find something better to do with your time," Mandy told him. "I spend my time shooting people, and then I take them to darkrooms and blow them up." "...Come again?" Alecto questioned with a tone of alarm in his voice. "I take photographs and develop them myself, I've got my own darkroom... it was a joke," Mandy laughed. "I love photography and I'm gonna be a photojournalist someday." "Really?" Alecto asked. For the first time since she'd met him, he sounded slightly enthusiastic. "...I take photographs and I film my own home movies, I have a darkroom as well... but I can't be a photojournalist like you... I can't be anything... still, at least I can take photographs, it's fun." april-fool-s blow-up camera chemical crazy dark-room darkroom demented develop disturbing enthusiasm film friends funny hilarious home-movies humor insane instamatic joke kodak murder nikon photography photography-humor shoot strange super-8 weird Rebecca McNutt
c1933bf The gilded confines of the Beauty Hall were not my preferred habitat; like the chicken that had laid the eggs for my sandwich, I was more of a free-range creature. eggs eleanor-oliphant funny gail-honeyman humor sandwich Gail Honeyman
4e229ca So while I drove my little and planned his fantasy night of how I was going to give Otter the key to my soul (his words, not mine), I silently panicked and wrote lines of bad poetry. Normally, I am quite adept at writing poems and lyrics to songs I'l never sing, but this stuff was just atrocious. For example: I love you You love me Thank God for that I'm so happy And Ty's personal favorite (which he helped me on): Otter! Otter! Otter! Don't lead cows to slaughter I love you and I know I should've told you soon-a But you didn't buy the dolphin-safe tuna! TY asked me if I got the hidden message in his poem. I told him it was loud and clear. animal-rights child funny gay romance T.J. Klune
7574fc9 "Aside from cutting off her head, though, I didn't really mean to kill her." Granuaile laughed. "You know I'm on your side, but to an objective listener, that sounds like a less than convincing argument." funny olympians Kevin Hearne
1a9b603 Ender began to eat, slowly and carefully, pretending not to notice he was the center of attention. funny humour life Orson Scott Card
fb6fbf8 "The intercom buzzes while you're changing your shirt. You push the Talk button: "Who is it?" "Narcotics squad. We're soliciting donations for children all over the world who have no drugs." funny Jay McInerney
4e21612 ...a row of tables manned by seated, serious women. Each woman looked like she could be someone's least-favourite aunt. funny women Adam Rex
ab8b489 Simon gave her a startled look. 'I don't believe I have ever been condescended to by a woman before.' She shrugged. 'It was probably past time. funny romance romance-book-quotes Julia Quinn
1d80198 We made it back to the airport without getting mugged, stoned, shot at, pounced on, bombed, shelled, garroted, gassed, pitched into, caught in a cross fire, sniped at, blockaded, napalmed, or trip-wired. No one even hit us with a water balloon. funny humor ishmael Daniel Quinn
75fde24 "Mrs. Russell made us both sit down with a glass of milk. "And I have a special treat for you," she said. I'm not lying. She really said that. I held my breath because of the last special treat at the Daughertys', but it didn't help, because when Mrs. Russell came back, she came back with a loaf of banana bread. Banana bread! And James said, "How about we have some jam with that?" and Mrs. Russell said, "Jam? Then you wouldn't be able to taste the bananas," and James said, "Ma, I hate bananas," and she said, "But I'm sure that Doug enjoys them," and I said, "I think I'm still full from lunch, so the milk's fine," and then Mrs. Russell picked up the plate with the banana bread on it, and you might not believe this, but she started to laugh and laugh a d laugh, until Mr. Russell came out to the kitchen to see what was so funny and she showed him the banana bread and he said, "I hate bananas," and we all started to laugh until Mrs. Russell said, "I hate bananas too," and you can imagine us all laughing until we were crying and finally Mrs. Russell took the banana bread outside to break it up for the birds-"Let's hope they like bananas"-and then I showed Mr. Russell Aaron Copland's Autobiography: Manuscript Edition, and he stopped laughing." funny laughter Gary D. Schmidt
1dc5687 "Jamie spied a Hershey's almond bar still in its wrapper lying in the corner of the landing. He picked it up and tore open one corner. "Was it bitten into?" asked Claudia. "No," Jamie smiled. "Want half?" "You better not touch it," Claudia warned. "It's probably poisoned or filled with marijuana, so you'll eat it and become either dead or a dope addict". Jamie was irritated. "Couldn't it just happen that someone dropped it?" "I doubt that. Who would drop a whole candy bar and not know it? That's like leaving a statue in a taxi"." dope funny E.L. Konigsburg
1393e84 Volvos are fundamentally invisible. funny humor invisible john-sandford mgg michele-cook outrage the-singular-menace volvos John Sandford
a730af7 "When in doubt, know your way out, I always say." "I thought you always said, 'When in doubt, blame the dark elves.'" "Well, yeah, that too." "I don't think those are very practical solutions to doubt," Oberon said. "They don't leave you feeling satisfied. 'When in doubt, eat your neighbor's lunch' is better, because then you would at least be full." druid elves funny lunch Kevin Hearne
e289308 "He returned my smile with a half grin. "So what do you blog about? Knitting? Puzzles? Being lonely?" blogger blogging book funny obsidian Jennifer L. Armentrout
219ecbc They have provided a system which for terse comprehensiveness surpasses Justinian's Pandects and the By-laws of the Chinese Society for the Suppression of Meddling with other People's Business. chinese-society funny justinian laws lol melville mind-your-own-business moby-dick pandects Herman Melville
fb87c66 "In the void, there is no distinction of east and west." Gwen blinked slightly at that. "I know all of those words, and yet when strung together like that I have no idea what they mean." funny monk proverb steampunk Jim Butcher
401fcd6 "Then this," Grimm said, "is what I believe professional inquisitors refer to as a clue." "In my considered judgment as an occasional inquisitor for the Spirearch," Benedict said, "I believe you may be correct." funny obvious Jim Butcher
c766ff4 "We didn't have time to get you an actual haircut," she said. "Seriously, did you do it yourself? Maybe without a mirror?" I put a hand up to my head self-consciously and said, "I had some help from the General. And, hey, I didn't say anything about your man-shoes." "They're steel-toed," she said calmly. "In case I need to plant them in anyone's ass as a result of him calling them man-shoes. And seriously, you let Toot help you with your hair?" faeries funny haircut Jim Butcher
9d978a5 Suddenly, however, the dastardly department of my personality presented two plans, one of which involved dynamite, mustache wax, some rope, and train tracks . . . which I rejected due to financial investment. funny villainy Laurie Notaro
6cbe2c6 Instead of the calendrical terms Monday, Tuesday and so forth, we cheerfully offer the following surrogates. Use them freely and often, for their use honors us all. For Sunday, please use Sunshine. For Monday. pleasy use Monty. For Tuesday, please use Toes. For Wednesday, please use Wetty. For Thursday, please use Thurby. For Friday, please use Fribs. For Saturday, please use Satto-gatto. funny words Mark Dunn
9626d75 Do we have a hand mirror?' I asked from the kitchen doorway. 'Never use one,' said Lester, examining the date on a carton of sour cream. 'Naturally, you're a male. What you see is what you've got,' I said resentfully. 'Huh?' said Lester. brother confusion funny genitals girl gross hand-mirror humorous mirror random resentful sexuality sibling sour-cream teenage-boy teenage-girl weird woman Phyllis Reynolds Naylor
7ea3306 He who lies down with dogs shall rise with fleas funny scottish Christina Dodd
7a08ab0 "Alice opened the door when I rang. She had on green pyjamas and held a hairbrush in one hand. She looked wearily at Quinn and spoke wearily: "Bring it in." I took it in and spread it on a bed. It mumbled something I could not make out and moved one hand feebly back and forth, but its eyes stayed shut." funny humor Dashiell Hammett
13b17cd "- "Surely you have considered terrorist activity?" funny humour Terry Pratchett
5360942 "Well--to put it briefly--Arianna and I had become--well--friends." "I see." "Nothing improper, you understand," Lelldorin said quickly. "But our friendship was such that--well--we didn't want to be separated." The young Asturian's face appealed to his friend for understanding. "Actually," he went on, "it was a little more than 'didn't want to.' Arianna told me she'd die if I left her behind." "Possibly she was exaggerating," Garion suggested. "How could I risk it, though?" Lelldorin protested. "Women are much more delicate than we are-- besides, Arianna's a physician. She'd know if she'd die, wouldn't she?" funny hilarious the-belgariad David Eddings
0b24799 Dixon was not unconscious of this awed reverence which was given to her; nor did she dislike it; it flattered her as much as Louis the Fourteenth was flattered by his courtiers shading their eyes from the dazzling light of his presence. france funny history louis-xiv north-and-south pride respect reverence Elizabeth Gaskell
bb6b4ba "Wendy's house, unlike many in Cape Breton, had three floors, along with a basement and attic. Aside from Wendy's bedroom, there was a laundry room. The dirty water in the sink would rush from the washer hose, bubbling up, threatening to overflow, but it never did. Next-door was a motel with a neon sign that read in turquoise and pink, "We have the best rates in town!", but the 'E' in 'rates' kept flickering on and off day and night so that every few seconds it would switch to, "We have the best rats in town!" bedroom best bubble canada cape-breton funny hotel house inn laundry-room motel neon nostalgia odd pink poor quaint rat rates rats sink small-town strange sydney turquoise weird Rebecca McNutt
581d398 Life is so funny sometimes that you just have to laugh. funny happy joy laugh life live Rebecca McNutt
8fec28f "Forgive my brother," Camira apologized. "We don't normally let him out of his cage when guests are present." funny funny-quotes humor laugh-out-loud Brandon Mull
61b4fc5 "The only furniture in the dank space was a flimsy cot. Water dripped steadily in one corner. A hole in the floor appeared to serve as a latrine. What most caught Kendra's eye were the messages scratched on the wall. She roamed the cell, reading the crudely inscribed phrases. "Seth rules! Welcome to Seth's House. Seth rocks! Seth was here. Now it's your turn. Seth Sorenson forever. Enjoy the food! If you're reading this, you can read. All roads lead to Seth. Is it still dripping? Seth haunts these halls. You're in a Turkish prison! Seth is the man! Use the meal mats as toilet paper." And so forth. Cold, hopeless, and alone, Kendra found herself giggling at the messages her brother had scrawled. He must have been so bored!" cheer-up dungeon funny hopeless kendra-sorenson messages prison seth-sorenson Brandon Mull
2d822ae "Suzanne glanced over at her, eyebrow raised. "Is there an anaconda?" she asked, like it had suddenly occurred to her she could be totally wrong. Tamara should only be so lucky. "No, there's no anaconda, I can promise you that." Not even a garden snake." -- flat-out-sexy funny Erin McCarthy
56f735a "You dance?" "I think that might be overly optimistic," he said. "I do something. I'll try not to hurt you." funny humour romance Robyn Carr
b71b988 "A million possible endearments ran through his head. But he said, "Help." funny humour romance Robyn Carr
03f62e7 "I mean, I don't want to pass judgment--I just wish my husband didn't shoot deer." "Oh, Mel, don't worry. I've been hunting with your husband--the deer are completely safe." -- funny humour romance Robyn Carr
b32d1e8 "You know Quinn?" Macaulay asked me. "Ten minutes ago I was putting him to bed." Macaulay grinned. "I hope you keep his acquaintance like that - social" "Meaning what?" Macaulay's grin became rueful. "He used to be my broker, and his advice led me right up to the poorhouse steps." "That's sweet," I said. "he's my broker now and I'm following his advice." Macaulay and the girl laughed. I pretended I was laughing and returned to my table." broker funny humor money Dashiell Hammett
63e5375 "His son Peter Bucky happily spent time driving Einstein around, and he later wrote down some of his recollections in extensive notebooks. They provide a delightful picture of the mildly eccentric but deeply un-affected Einstein in his later years. Peter tells, for example, of driving in his convertible with Einstein when it suddenly started to rain. Einstein pulled off his hat and put it under his coat. When Peter looked quizzical, Einstein explained: "You see, my hair has withstood water many times before, but I don't know how many times my hat can." einstein-quotes einstein-s-life funny sarcastic-humor Walter Isaacson
cc1dfae "Sorry, Ian," Cameron said. He found himself saying that to Ian quite a bit. "I didn't understand." Ian gave him a faint nod but didn't answer. His look told Cameron that he knew his older brother was an idiot, but he'd learned to put up with it." funny ian Jennifer Ashley
f4279bf When a boy's first romantic interlude is with Pheobe the Dog-Faced Girl, he feels a need to get out into the world and find a new life. circus dating funny girls humor life life-experience love teenagers Annette Curtis Klause
a7191c9 "I've got money!" Eve exclaimed in a frantic frenzy of hope, her eyes dancing wildly with the notion that there was some way out of this. "I mean, I don't know what use money is to the Grim Reaper, but I've got a ton of cash! It's in a hat box under my bed! I've got a bright red Lexus in the garage, I've got my engagement ring upstairs, it's real gold... there must be something we can trade off with..." "You can't bribe me away, I'm afraid," said Mr. Azrael. "Money means nothing where I come from." bribe car cash dead death die dying engagement engagement-ring frantic funny garage grim-reaper hat-box lexus money sad tragic under-the-bed weird Rebecca McNutt
0a3f545 You know what? We need a recession in this country, because that would finaly weed out al the subnormal, underdeveloped, stupefied, puerile people in this workforce. employement funny jobless joblessness need recession stupid stupidity unemployed Jen Lancaster
4c33efa "Gankis lifted an arm to point at the distant shale cliffs. "And in the face of it there were thousands of little holes, little what-you-call-'ems..." "Alcoves," Kennit supplied in an almost dreamy voice. "I call them alcoves, Gankis. As would you, if you could speak your own mother tongue." answer arm blank captain cliff funny language mother name point query question response sarcasm sarcastic title tongue voice wit witty word Robin Hobb
28d7d53 She moved in for a better look.It was a portrait of Bob Marley,a pretty good one,actually.No Woman, No Cry...that's right.No teenage girls either.All right,ten points if you'Re a poet,minus twenty-five if you're in a band and minus fifty if you're into the ganja. funny relationships Sheri Meshal
b626f2c "Does still run fiction?" "I have absolutely no idea, Melinda," he said, grinning." funny humour romance Robyn Carr
0eaa278 Isn't he cute? That he thinks he has a sense of humour? funny humour romance Robyn Carr
bc48916 "I'll always be your friend," he said. "Your best friend, if you let me. But I want to be your lover, too." He groaned and shifted in his chair. "Soon. I want to be that soon." Then a look came over him. "Oh Gina...I didn't even court you! God, I should date you first before I beg you to take off your clothes!" funny humour romance romantic Robyn Carr
15f7f95 Just a minute, Miss Frazetti, I'm getting dressed.' 'Hurry it up, Mo,' snapped Carla, her voice crackly through the cheap speakers. 'I'm getting old here. funny sarcasm Eoin Colfer
962667e Byron clapped Walter on the back. 'Good work,' he said. Walter shook his head. 'You're the one who clocked her with the Stephen King hardcover. That took some of the wind out of her.' 'Thank heavens he's a wordy man,' said Byron. funny humor Michael Thomas Ford
2229a88 He'd never been shy, but he'd always been a little uncertain around girls. He just couldn't believe they liked him. funny humour romance Robyn Carr
639506e I had aimed at Mars and was about to hit Venus; unquestionably the all-time cosmic record for poor shots. funny humor science-fiction space-travel Edgar Rice Burroughs
89813a4 If I get killed, put my boots back on me. death funny harmon humor john-sandford killed mgg michele-cook outrage the-singular-menace twist John Sandford
e01a9e9 keep your eyes on him, you wretched vainglorious creature, funny granby iskierka vainglorious Naomi Novik
3093a4d "YOU WILL DRINK THE COFFEE UNTIL I CAN SEE MY FACE IN THE BOTTOM OF THE CUP!" I did not mean to roar. "But it's a clay cup." "I DO NOT CARE!" He finished the coffee. "You did not have to finish it," I said, because I could perceive that he was rebuilding the Great Wall of China with shit bricks." funny Jonathan Safran Foer
6db3000 "Twenty she curses you out by lunch," says Chris. "Thirty she kills you by lunch," adds Logan. "I'm getting her number." The two of them laugh." funny humor Katie McGarry
47f34b0 BLARGLE SLORG NOTH HARGHLE FTHAGN! You know. The usual. funny nonsense usual Jim Butcher
98faee4 "SHUT UP," Carot Top say, the cocane now taking effect. "This isnt Poetry 101. People want to laugh. Your suposed to be a 'King' of Prop Comedy. But youve been acting more like a jester of prop comedy." funny Seinfeld 2000
24ee79d I mean, here we are in LA. The home of celebrities. They're the local natural phenomenon. Everyone knows you come to LA to see the celebrities, like you go to Sri Lanka to see the elephants. funny humor Sophie Kinsella
5e43dfb It's very important my parent's don't think I'm starting to fall in love with people, because then they might notice that I'm growing up, and I'm kind of trying to keep it a secret. I think it will cause an incident feminist funny growing-up humour secret Caitlin Moran
a9ee426 She says screens are the cigarettes of our age. They're toxic, and we're only going to realize the damage they're doing when it's too late. bully family friendship funny life starbucks sunglasses Sophie Kinsella
86d8c2d -- !Fuera de mi cabeza! --No puedo evitarlo. Estas transmitiendo tus pensamientos tan condenadamente fuerte, que siento que debo ir a sentarme en un rincon y comenzar a mecerme, susurrando el nombre de Daemon una y otra vez. funny humor saga-lux spanish Jennifer L. Armentrout
5360afd Be honest with yourself; set the alarm for the time the Real You will get up, not the Ambitious You, because the Ambitious You doesn't really exist. funny humor life mornings sleep Laurie Notaro
cc92542 Who in the universe halts when the enemy tells them to? crown enemy funny war wise Sherwood Smith
1318f17 "Shit" Bug said, his face sour. "It's that thing again. We've been dealing with it since Pierce. You think you have a lead and then poof" - he made a puffing motion with his fingers - "it melts into nothing and all you have is frustration and the far noise your face makes when you hit you desk with it." Fart.... what?" farts funny nevada-baylor Ilona Andrews
538c457 We're like the couple on the sitcom that has good sparks but never get together for the sake of ratings. funny humor love Aimee Bender
662569c When I was small I dreamed of demons. I thought they were under my bed, but you said, it can't be so, you don't get demons our side of the river, the guards won't let them over London Bridge. dreams fear funny nightmares Hilary Mantel
1d40ab1 Irma, she said. But I had started to walk away. I heard her say some more things but by then I had yanked my skirt up and was running down the road away from her and begging the wind to obliterate her voice. She wanted to live with me. She missed me. She wanted me to come back home. She wanted to run away. She was yelling all this stuff and I wanted so badly for her to shut up. She was quiet for a second and I stopped running and turned around once to look at her. She was a thimble-sized girl on the road, a speck of a living thing. Her white-blond hair flew around her head like a small fire and it was all I could see because everything else about her blended in with the countryside. He offered you a what? she yelled. An espresso! I yelled back. It was like yelling at a shorting wire or a burning bush. What is it? she said. Coffee! I yelled. Irma, can I come and live-- I turned around again and began to run. fiction funny inspirational literature novel Miriam Toews
4d028a4 Now that's a sight for sore eyes, Sebastian. Maybe I should just leave you here: the hotel maids might appreciate that. Or, better still, maybe I'll take a photograph of you on my phone. Dont worry, I wont post it on the internet, it'll just be my screen saver. funny Jane Harvey-Berrick
de3efa9 "What are you doing?" Alecto asked in surprise, stepping back. Laughing brightly, she dragged him towards the greenhouse, the shattered glass reflecting rainbows as brilliant as a million Kodak flashcubes, glittering as they were cascaded through the breeze. "See, don't be afraid of the glass, it can't hurt us," Mandy laughed, spectacularly eccentric, her eyes reflecting the fallen glass. "I wasn't afraid of the glass, but this isn't a very secluded place that you just decided to vandalize," Alecto cautioned, smiling despite his words. Before Mandy could reply, she heard loud whispering in the air, behind the trees... it sounded like a group of people, all whispering in unison... "Somebody's out there," she exclaimed nervously. "Yeah, you're right," Alecto replied. Suddenly a sharp new vibrancy seemed to fill his eyes and he smiled coldly, taking the tree branch from Mandy and rapidly smashing in all of Mrs. Matthias' stained glass house windows with it. Blue, green, yellow, red, turquoise, purple and an array of other colors showered through the sky noisily, sounding like wind chimes and crashing waves. "They'll go away," he told her, glancing up at the sky. "...Alecto, do you like me?" Mandy questioned, holding out her arms like a lopsided scarecrow as the glass fell through her dark red hair. "Yeah, sure," he answered. "Will you be my friend, then? A real friend, not just another person who feels sorry for me?" Mandy asked. "...Alright, Mandy Valems," Alecto agreed." air best-friends blue canada cape-breton children colored crashing cut depression flashcube friend friends friendship fun funny glass glitter green greenhouse growing-up house kodak love noir noise nostalgia nova-scotia red scarecrow sharp shatter smile sorry stained-glass trees vandalism vibrancy waves whispering wind-chimes yellow Rebecca McNutt
f3629a7 "Um, thanks," Jackson told her. "And your name is...?" "I'm Margaret, Margaret Van Der Graaf," she answered with another eerie smile. Her teeth were so white that they looked bleached. "Van Der Graaf?" Jackson repeated, trying to stifle his laughter. He didn't want to be rude to the only person in sight, to this kind-hearted stranger who was offering to help him, but... Van Der Graaf? "What are you laughing at?" Margaret asked with curiosity, flashing him a calculating gaze. "I like my name. If you're going to be a jerk, then I won't help you. You can stay out here on the street through the night for all I care." "...Harsh," said Jackson, giving her a quizzical glance back. There was something 'off' about her, something that Jackson couldn't quite place, something that bordered on horrible loneliness and longing. "Who else lives here, Margaret Van Der Graaf?" He couldn't resist saying her name aloud. Despite its hilarity, it had a nice ring to it. "Who else lives here?" he urged. "Me, myself and I," said Margaret simply, snickering when she saw his horrified and annoyed expression" comedy friendship funny ghost humor longing lonliness name smile stranger weird Rebecca McNutt
0fb93f5 You are my flesh and blood and I have always doted on you, but right now I would have to say you deserve a haughty, ruined chit for your own and she deserves you. funny mary-balogh mr-mason Mary Balogh
8017097 So I went to bed, full, happy, and caring nothing for all the hurt of all the englished Welshmen that ever festered upon a proud land english funny hiraeth wales welsh Richard Llewellyn
c0e0f52 Be twice as funny as you are outrageous, because no one can resist the truth wrapped in a good joke. funny honesty truth Milo Yiannopoulos
aee8f01 Oh, Scarlett, you are so young you wring my heart. funny gone-with-the-wind love-quotes margaret-mitchell poetic rhett-butler Margaret Mitchell
9f278b2 There's a little bit of magic in every box! funny magic Adam Rex
17215e3 You watch pro ball and those guys spend so much time with their hands on each other's rear ends, you'd think they were feeling for diamonds or something. football funny humor Catherine Gilbert Murdock
5bc72c0 "The waitress walk away. Everyone look's at each other and then laugh. The laugh it feel so cathartic. It break the ice and sudenly the mood feel like old times. They may not have money now to aford food, but they still have each other. And forget what Maslow's "heirarchey of needs" say: some time's freindship is more important than nutrient's." funny Seinfeld 2000
5a88290 "Yen Sid surveyed the young villains in front of him. ,,What you are about to do is very dangerous." Carlos perked up. ,,That's fine, my middle name is-" ,,Oscar" said Evie. ,,We know." descendants funny Melissa de la Cruz
c4f4ea9 "In sum," Midlife said, giving the room his best you-the-jury baritone, "Our defense will be...?" He looked to Matt for the answer/ "Blame the other guy," Matt said. "Which other guy?" "Yes." "Huh?" "We blame whoever we can," Matt said. "The CFO, the COO, the C Choose-Your-Favorite-Two-Letter-Combination, the accounting firm, the banks, the board, the lower-level employees. We claim some of them are crooks. We claim some of them made honest mistakes that steamrolled." funny law Harlan Coben
560fa25 Okay. Oh-kay. Re-cap. He just had a man come in his mouth. He liked it. He may be embarking on anal sex, soon, if he was reading the subtext right. Options: stay or leave. Pros of staying: first experience with anal sex. Cons of staying: first experience with anal sex. No, no. That isn't right. Pros of staying: first experience with anal sex. Cons of staying: not being able to face Pete the next day. Maybe ever. The thing about sex, though, as Ryan is discovering, is that it's a goddamn persuasive motivator. It fucks with people's minds. funny m-m Dominique Frost
e484835 Jary, Garge, Elane and Daved Pady emerge from the Lamborgini Veneno like sad clown's from the SICKEST clown car ever. funny humor Seinfeld 2000
0d842b8 With the long hours of daylight in the Alaska summers, the gardens served up a cornucopia of amazing and extra-large produce. clean funny romance sweet Debbie Macomber
0594adb "Shergahn and friend lay like poleaxed steers, and the Daranfelian's greasy hair was thick with potatoes, carrots, gravy, and chunks of beef. His companion had less stew in his hair, but an equally large lump was rising fast, and Brandark flipped his improvised club into the air, caught it in proper dipping position, and filled it once more from the pot without even glancing at them. He raised the ladle to his nose, inhaled deeply, and glanced at the cook with an impudent twitch of his ears. "Smells delicious," he said while the laughter started up all around the fire. "I imagine a bellyful of this should help a hungry man sleep. Why, just look what a single ladle of it did for Shergahn!" bully defeat delicious food funny good humor humorous laughter lump shame sleep steer stew triumph yummy David Weber
8235210 "I think we ought to find something else to do," said Mandy. "But Alecto my love, you're the first person to notice my retro diner kitchen. When my parents saw it, they thought I was creating a weird art project." "I like it. It's got that let's-drown-ourselves-in-better-days type ambiance," Alecto declared, his gray eyes narrowed." ambience art better-days cape-breton diner drowning fifties friendship funny kitchen love nostalgia nova-scotia parents pollution retro Rebecca McNutt
88d612f Malory! You've got a chipmunk on your pussy! funny humor humorous Tamara Thorne
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