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Link Quote Stars Tags Author
fddf4b3 He wears his cockiness like an ironic T-shirt, but it fits him better. irony men funny manwhore t-shirt Gillian Flynn
4e38318 "From out of nowhere, she had an image of some poor human in a FedEx Office branch getting an eyeful and a half of the mostly naked fallen angel. Without warning, she started to laugh so hard, tears came to her eyes. The good kind of tears, that was. And as she gave herself up to the angel's ridiculousness, Lass just say there on the couch, staring up at "Melrose Place", a sly, quiet smile on his beautiful, deranged face. What an angel he was, she thought to herself. A total angel." funny bloodkiss jr-ward lassiter marissa J.R. Ward
17bc76e The world is full of unrequited love,' I said finally. 'You and Patrick having problems?' Dad said, reaching around to get the butter out of the fridge. 'No, I was just wondering what you would say if I was a lesbian.' 'Come again?' said Lester. 'I'm having a hard time following this conversation. funny family love fridge brother lesbian dinner problems conversation random sexuality father unrequited-love Phyllis Reynolds Naylor
11cb189 "I want to do it too!" said Gazzy, sitting very, very quietly, completely motionless. "Nope," said Nudge, shaking her head. "You stand out like a fart in church." funny fart powers lol James Patterson
d005285 Best friends one, and now we have almost nothing to say to each other. It was interesting, how he had joined those guys and I just stayed on my own. I didn't like it or dislike it. It was just funny that things had turned out that way. friends funny the-way-things-turn-out interesting like Markus Zusak
900ae89 The Shrink always warned me that carriers stay wracked with lifelong guilt. It's not an uplifting thing having turned lovers into monsters. We feel bad that we haven't turned into monsters ourselves--survivor's guilt, that's called. And we feel a bit stupid that we didn't notice our own symptoms earlier. I mean, I'd been sort of wondering why the Atkins diet was giving me night vision. But that hadn't seemed like something to worry about... funny humor ombies parasites guilt vampires Scott Westerfeld
4aaf0e0 The whole point of straws, I had thought, was that you did not have to set down the slice of pizza to suck a dose of Coke while reading a paperback. funny humor quirky Nicholson Baker
572bd08 "You have terminated me," one of them said in a strange, flat voice. "But I am one of many." "Robots!" Iggy breathed, taking Total from Angel. "One of many, one of many, one of many," the robot Eraser was saying. Now Nudge saw the red light in its eyes, saw how they were fading and winking out. funny repeating robot flying bombs fight lol James Patterson
cfc1cf5 You don't appreciate a faithful husband when you've got one,' said Tommy. 'All my friends tell me you never know with husbands,' said Tuppance. 'You have the wrong kind of friends,' said Tommy. friends funny humor faithfulness husband-and-wife-relationship tommy-and-tuppance husband Agatha Christie
8af855c At least I rescued your poor hot dog. madness grief funny humor disturbing frightening ghoul gives-me-the-willies savior pyrokinesis sleepaway-camp summer-camp wiener wiener-roast goosebumps spooky hot-dog rescue coming-of-age teenage lord fire ghost scary teen lonely laugh nostalgia R.L. Stine
14b5ffd "Oakley won't," the duke said. She turned and blinked. "I beg your pardon." "Lord Oakley. He won't forget to find us rooms. I've known him for years. The only thing that is making this bearable is that he must be dying inside over all this." "You don't like him?" "On the contrary. I've long considered him a friend. It's why I enjoy his misery so much." funny Julia Quinn
67ee32d "Says O'Sullivan to me, "Mr. Fay, I'll have a word wid yeh?" "Certainly," says I; "what can I do for you?" "Sell me your sea- boots, Mr. Fay," says O'Sullivan, polite as can be. "But what will you be wantin' of them?" says I. "'Twill be a great favour," says O'Sullivan. "But it's my only pair," says I; "and you have a pair of your own," says I. "Mr. Fay, I'll be needin' me own in bad weather," says O'Sullivan. "Besides," says I, "you have no money." "I'll pay for them when we pay off in Seattle," says O'Sullivan. "I'll not do it," says I; "besides, you're not tellin' me what you'll be doin' with them." "But I will tell yeh," says O'Sullivan; "I'm wantin' to throw 'em over the side." And with that I turns to walk away, but O'Sullivan says, very polite and seducin'-like, still a-stroppin' the razor, "Mr. Fay," says he, "will you kindly step this way an' have your throat cut?" And with that I knew my life was in danger, and I have come to make report to you, sir, that the man is a violent lunatic." funny humor sailor ship witty sea Jack London
240231d I'd say I needed to find myself, if that didn't sound like I was heading into the Himalayas, taking only a backpack stuffed with angst and clean underwear. funny backpacking lost-identity olivia Kelley Armstrong
2321f83 "Would I laugh?" "Matter of fact, you would," says Zeb. "Heart like shale. What you need is a good fracking." funny shale puns pun Margaret Atwood
b134e22 "Charlie?' 'Uh-huh?' 'Do you like me?' 'Uh-huh.' 'You know what I mean?' 'Uh-huh.' 'Are you nervous?' 'Uh-huh.' funny perks perks-of-being-a-wallflower sam wallflower nervous Stephen Chbosky
639288a "Care to explain?" Ari asked. "Didn't you see my signals?" "Yeah. But they didn't make sense. Five into one and it's an intrusion." "It's an illusion! Five of them are an illusion." "That's not the signal for illusion. This is." Ari demonstrated the proper signal. "That's what I did." "No, you didn't. You did a weird twisty thing with your pinky." "I had a scimitar at my throat. I'd like to see you try signaling under those conditions." -Janco and Ari bickering" funny bickering funny-and-random funny-quotes funny-humor Maria V. Snyder
b091499 The first problem of any kind of even limited success is the unshakable conviction that you are getting away with something, and that at any moment now they will discover you. It's Imposter Syndrome, something my wife Amanda christened The Fraud Police. In my case, I was convinced that there would be a knock on the door, and a man with a clipboard (I don't know why he carried a clipboard, in my head, but he did) would be there, to tell me it was all over, and they had caught up with me, and now I would have to go and get a real job, one that didn't consist of making things up and writing them down, and reading books I wanted to read. writing funny inspiration fraud-police make-good-art creative-writing neil-gaiman Neil Gaiman
0fe7c2b Hungry Joe was crazy, and no one knew it better than Yossarian, who did everything he could to help him. Hungry Joe just wouldn't listen to Yossarian. Hungry Joe just wouldn't listen because he thought Yossarian was crazy funny Joseph Heller
31e7167 "Don't be so damned patronizing. Your performance so far has been a little less than dazzling." "I didn't mean no harm," I said and kissed her. "That a new dress?" "Ah! Changing the subject, you coward." humorous funny patronizing coward Dashiell Hammett
9257b4f What in the fuck are you? funny josie titans seth Jennifer L. Armentrout
51b74d1 Oz lists the hem of his shirt, exposing his cut abs, and wipes his brow with the material. Oh my with chocolate on top. That was just beautiful. funny attractive oz hot Katie McGarry
1e1dda3 Seven billion who need to be kept happy, and docile, until the end. How do you do that? What's the best way to calm down a scared kid, get them to go back to sleep? Tell them a story. Some shit about Jesus or whatever. sleep story happy people jesus funny religion truth docile frightened population terrifying delusion terrified dying scared Neal Stephenson
1dabb3b "An evil spark flared in his eyes. "Trade: raccoon for some answers." funny kaldar raccoon ilona-andrews the-edge Ilona Andrews
2390eb0 "Irene gasped. "Have you taken leave of your senses, Stuart?" she hissed. "Have you?" Stuart closed his eyes. "No," he said. "Au contraire." It was strong language for the Edinburgh New Town, but he had to say it. "Don't au contraire me," said Irene. But it was too late. He had." bertie nagging strong-language funny arguments french Alexander McCall Smith
a64a16b Who wears masks?' 'Bank robbers?' 'No.' 'Really ugly people?' 'No.' 'Halloween? People wear masks at Halloween.' 'Yes! They do!' He flung his arms wide in delight. 'So that's important?' 'Not even a little bit. But it's true. funny Neil Gaiman
00ff8db "Senator. If you call my friend a liar one more time, I will take it badly." "Excuse me?" Arnos said, his eyebrows rising up. "I suggest you find an alternate shortsighted, egomaniacally ridiculous reason to blatantly, recklessly ignore an obvious threat to the Realm simply because you don't wish it to exist. If you cannot restrain yourself from base slander, I will be pleased to meet you in and personally rip your forked tongue from your head." funny threat liar Jim Butcher
e1555b1 What if I got hit by lightning while walking with an umbrella? Ban umbrellas! Fight the menace of lightning! humour funny humor umbrellas lightning computers terrorism Cory Doctorow
9bad067 "His handsome face is suffused with rage. He stands before me shaking, then to my disgust, bursts into noisy tears; "I shall tell my mother of you!" he sobs and crashes out of the chamber" funny guilford-dudley innocent-traitor jane-grey Alison Weir
7cbf85f In my defense, I was young and there was an open bar. funny Jonathan Tropper
0fd861d I think it's something like Mr. Peter Sloane and the octogenarians. The other evening Mrs. Sloane was reading a newspaper ans she said to Mr. Sloane 'I see here that another octogenarian has just died. What is an Octogenarian, Peter?' And Mr. Sloane said he didn't know, but they must be very sickly creatures, for you never heard tell of them but they were dying. funny octogenarian dying L. M. Montgomery
1a8f375 Suddenly he caught his reflection in the mirror behind her. His face was twisted into a dark scowl, and he was standing there naked, with a boner, and another man's business card in his hand. He looked like a dick. humour romance funny Sarah Mayberry
3eb39f6 You take a very handsome guy, or a guy that thinks he's a real hot-shot, and they're always asking you to do them a big favor. Just because they're crazy about themself, they think you're crazy about them, too, and that you're just dying to do them a favor. It's sort of funny, in a way. funny them themself you-re think favor handsome dying J.D. Salinger
f3dad7a I took a bite of lobster meat with rice. It was quite tasty. 'Arguing the morality of slaughter will send you into a tailspin of self-loathing every time.' 'Unless you're a vegan.' 'Uh-huh. But then you're a vegan and you don't count. funny vegan Julie Powell
9311341 "Alek coughed politely, "If I promise to avoid funny business, could you perhaps remove this knife from my throat?" funny Scott Westerfeld
4b7fb65 There were dumplings on the train, sold by grim men and women with deep lines cut into their faces by years and worry and hunger and misery. This was the provinces, the outer territories, the mysterious China that had sent millions of girls and boys to Canton to earn their fortunes in the Pearl River Delta. Matthew knew all their strange accents, he spoke their strange Mandarin language, but he was Cantonese, and these were not his people. Those were not his dumplings. funny humor Cory Doctorow
9b57b4e A princess always takes care that her words are honeyed, for she may have to eat them funny princesses Christina Dodd
7e77646 Funny thing- Morgenstern's folk's were named Max and Valerie and his father was a doctor. funny family miracle-max s-morgenstern william-goldman the-princess-bride valerie William Goldman
e6ad656 I occasionally laugh and tell him that his imperturbability is worth three hundred milligrams of lithium a day to me, and it is probably true. funny lithium Kay Redfield Jamison
899d464 They can't expect anyone to actually pay for a shirt that says, 'I (picture of an elephant) the San Diego Zoo.' What does that even mean? funny t-shirt zoo Adam Rex
7f4f40e V.L.A.D.: Vampire League Against Discrimination. funny humor vlad vampires Carrie Vaughn
4032d13 "You are hereby warned that any movement on your part not explicitly endorsed by verbal authorization on my part may pose a direct physical risk to you, as well as consequential psychological and possibly, depending on your personal belief system, spiritual risks ensuing from your personal reaction to said physical risk. Any movement on your part constitutes an implicit and irrevocable acceptance of such risk," the first MetaCop says. There is a little speaker on his belt, simultaneously translating all of this into Spanish and Japanese. "Or as we used to say," the other MetaCop says, "freeze, sucker!" "Under provisions of The Mews at Windsor Heights Code, we are authorized to enforce law, national security concerns, and societal harmony on said territory also. A treaty between The Mews at Windsor Heights and White Columns authorizes us to place you in temporary custody until your status as an Investigatory Focus has been resolved." "Your ass is busted," the second MetaCop says. "As your demeanor has been nonaggressive and you carry no visible weapons, we are not authorized to employ heroic measures to ensure your cooperation," the first MetaCop says. "You stay cool and we'll stay cool," the second MetaCop says. "However, we are equipped with devices, including but not limited to projectile weapons, which, if used, may pose an extreme and immediate threat to your health and well-being." "Make one funny move and we'll blow your head off," the second MetaCop says." funny police Neal Stephenson
3cea057 "None of my issues have included memory loss or unconscious actions," she said. Thomas squinted back at her. "If they had, how would you know it?" Molly frowned. "Valid point." funny wizard Jim Butcher
770ac17 "The priest DID have it coming, though," Lelldorin declared hotly. "What priest?" "The priest of Chaldan at that little chapel who wouldn't marry us because Arianna couldn't give him a document proving she had her family's consent. He was very insulting." "Did you break anything?" "A few of his teeth is about all-- and I stopped hitting him as soon as he agreed to perform the ceremony." funny lelldorin garion the-belgariad hilarious David Eddings
8aa2f5a Your--ah--intervention, shall we say, has simplified things in the palace enormously. We no longer have to worry about Salmissra's whims and peculiar appetites. We rule by committee, and we hardly ever find it necessary to poison each other anymore. No one's tried to poison me for months. funny garion polgara the-belgariad witty David Eddings
6ef2e83 Oliver has stated many times his dislike of hearing advice from his younger sister, so it is his own fault if he has not got sense enough to see which way the wind is blowing. stupidity funny ignored common-sense brothers siblings Patricia C. Wrede
550bf37 He was becoming aware that there was no such thing as over-the-top with Lawrence Davenport, as long as you were talking to Lawrence Davenport about Lawrence Davenport. funny Jeffrey Archer
ef3a4c2 It would actually constitute more than a miracle, he realised. It would take divine intervention plus luck, plus some unknown element of cosmic wizardry. miracle funny truth shaw whole divine David Baldacci
cc20431 It was a monumental achievement that the serpentine tc'a had once upon a time gotten the knnn to understand the concept of trade: so nowadays knnn simply contacted a station, rushed onto its methane-dock and deposited whatever they liked, grabbed whatever they wanted and left. This was an improvement over their former behavior, in which they simply looted and left. funny piracy negotiation trade C.J. Cherryh
66f8a83 "Yes it is" Eragon said before his courage left him "just like you" funny Christopher Paolini
96de60d "And you, Lord Bridgerton," she replied in a tone that could have frozen champagne, "are almost as handsome as your brother." Colin snorted again, only this time it sounded as if he were being strangled. "Are you all right?" Miss Sheffield asked. "He's fine," Anthony barked. She ignored him, keeping her attention on Colin. "Are you certain?" Colin nodded furiously. 'Tickle in my throat." "Or perhaps a guilty conscience?" Anthony suggested. funny humor the-viscount-who-loved-me Julia Quinn
6ea97ff But of course these are scientists. Tell them to leave something alone, and all they want to do is poke it with a stick. funny shades-of-earth scientists Beth Revis
045e85d There were, however, a few exceptions. One was Norma Dodsworth, the poet, who had not unpleasantly drunk but had been sensible enough to pass out before any violent action proved necessary. He had been deposited, not very gently, on the lawn, where it was hoped that a hyena would give him a rude awakening. For all practical purposes he could, therefore, be regarded as absent. humorous funny drink drunk Arthur C. Clarke
60491de "...What do you do with all your money?" "Me and the French hoard gold." money funny humor hoarding gold Dashiell Hammett
f10b249 "You should find something better to do with your time," Mandy told him. "I spend my time shooting people, and then I take them to darkrooms and blow them up." "...Come again?" Alecto questioned with a tone of alarm in his voice. "I take photographs and develop them myself, I've got my own darkroom... it was a joke," Mandy laughed. "I love photography and I'm gonna be a photojournalist someday." "Really?" Alecto asked. For the first time since she'd met him, he sounded slightly enthusiastic. "...I take photographs and I film my own home movies, I have a darkroom as well... but I can't be a photojournalist like you... I can't be anything... still, at least I can take photographs, it's fun." photography murder friends funny humor april-fool-s blow-up chemical dark-room demented instamatic nikon photography-humor home-movies kodak darkroom super-8 disturbing develop camera enthusiasm shoot weird film strange hilarious joke crazy insane Rebecca McNutt
c1933bf The gilded confines of the Beauty Hall were not my preferred habitat; like the chicken that had laid the eggs for my sandwich, I was more of a free-range creature. funny humor eleanor-oliphant gail-honeyman eggs sandwich Gail Honeyman
66d547c "A breath?" she asked. She didn't want to kiss just any wooden man. He looked nice enough, but he might not be like his looks. A kiss seemed very forward. He might remember it, and make assumptions." funny cute sweet Garth Nix
5742093 Mr. A calls me into his office and says he's got bad news and bad news, and which do I want first. I say the bad news. funny humor bad-news George Saunders
b4dbfa8 "Kipster is a perfectly valid word," Wendy argued, about to write down her score on the little notepad that had come with the game. "Okay, so what does it mean?" Mandy wanted to know. Wendy struggled to come up with an answer, and finally just changed the subject with school gossip. Mandy found herself just ignoring it... it always sounded the same, the same events, same rumors, same secrets, same affairs, but never anything of interest to her. "Well Sarah's on drugs again and that's why she did it in Mario's backseat, but now she might be pregnant, oh, and that messed-up Seth kid's been cutting himself again so he was sent away to Halifax last week, and there's a festival in Wolfville but Kathy won't go because Audrey-Rose is going to be there and they hate each other, and...." Mandy had learned two years ago to detach herself from gossip; she'd learned it from Jud's death. Wendy may have been eighteen years old but she could be immature on the best of days." suicide words funny 80-s argue kipster cape-breton nova-scotia boring eighties drama-queen scrabble maturity coming-of-age canada pollution growing-up baby teenage fighting eating gossip bullying scary game drama self-harm nostalgia rumors Rebecca McNutt
27cfb3b Time to do what he did best - plot dastardly acts. funny mastermind Eoin Colfer
e2a04a8 We're just frisking like little captive lambkins. fun funny friendship frisking laughing Tamora Pierce
7574fc9 "Aside from cutting off her head, though, I didn't really mean to kill her." Granuaile laughed. "You know I'm on your side, but to an objective listener, that sounds like a less than convincing argument." funny olympians Kevin Hearne
1f2b0c9 "When in doubt, know your way out, I always say." "I thought you always said, 'When in doubt, blame the dark elves.'" "Well, yeah, that too." " funny druid elves lunch food Kevin Hearne
cd06039 One of the many downsides to being a drug addict is never really knowing if the stuff is real. funny humor downside drug-addict druggie drug junkie Rebecca McNutt
ece28a9 Sexually active? Sexually ? Patrick and I hadn't even learned the fine points of kissing yet! I marched on down. 'For your information,' I said from the doorway, as both Dad and Lester jerked to attention, 'I am about as sexually active as a bag of spinach, and if you want to keep me on the porch and not out in the park somewhere behind the bushes, you'll keep the stupid porch light off when I come home with a boy. kissing sex light funny love bushes father-daughter-relationship porch sexually-active spinach yelling teenage-girl humerous park outrage teenage stupid teen boys father Phyllis Reynolds Naylor
4e229ca So while I drove my little and planned his fantasy night of how I was going to give Otter the key to my soul (his words, not mine), I silently panicked and wrote lines of bad poetry. Normally, I am quite adept at writing poems and lyrics to songs I'l never sing, but this stuff was just atrocious. For example: I love you You love me Thank God for that I'm so happy And Ty's personal favorite (which he helped me on): Otter! Otter! Otter! Don't lead cows to slaughter I love you and I know I should've told you soon-a But you didn't buy the dolphin-safe tuna! TY asked me if I got the hidden message in his poem. I told him it was loud and clear. romance funny animal-rights gay child T.J. Klune
4e21612 ...a row of tables manned by seated, serious women. Each woman looked like she could be someone's least-favourite aunt. women funny Adam Rex
bb6b4ba "Wendy's house, unlike many in Cape Breton, had three floors, along with a basement and attic. Aside from Wendy's bedroom, there was a laundry room. The dirty water in the sink would rush from the washer hose, bubbling up, threatening to overflow, but it never did. Next-door was a motel with a neon sign that read in turquoise and pink, "We have the best rates in town!", but the 'E' in 'rates' kept flickering on and off day and night so that every few seconds it would switch to, "We have the best rats in town!" funny bedroom bubble inn laundry-room motel quaint rates sink cape-breton sydney best turquoise neon canada odd weird rat hotel small-town poor house rats strange pink nostalgia Rebecca McNutt
a730af7 "When in doubt, know your way out, I always say." "I thought you always said, 'When in doubt, blame the dark elves.'" "Well, yeah, that too." "I don't think those are very practical solutions to doubt," Oberon said. "They don't leave you feeling satisfied. 'When in doubt, eat your neighbor's lunch' is better, because then you would at least be full." funny druid elves lunch Kevin Hearne
1dc5687 "Jamie spied a Hershey's almond bar still in its wrapper lying in the corner of the landing. He picked it up and tore open one corner. "Was it bitten into?" asked Claudia. "No," Jamie smiled. "Want half?" "You better not touch it," Claudia warned. "It's probably poisoned or filled with marijuana, so you'll eat it and become either dead or a dope addict". Jamie was irritated. "Couldn't it just happen that someone dropped it?" "I doubt that. Who would drop a whole candy bar and not know it? That's like leaving a statue in a taxi"." funny dope E.L. Konigsburg
5360942 "Well--to put it briefly--Arianna and I had become--well--friends." "I see." "Nothing improper, you understand," Lelldorin said quickly. "But our friendship was such that--well--we didn't want to be separated." The young Asturian's face appealed to his friend for understanding. "Actually," he went on, "it was a little more than 'didn't want to.' Arianna told me she'd die if I left her behind." "Possibly she was exaggerating," Garion suggested. "How could I risk it, though?" Lelldorin protested. "Women are much more delicate than we are-- besides, Arianna's a physician. She'd know if she'd die, wouldn't she?" funny the-belgariad hilarious David Eddings
7ea3306 He who lies down with dogs shall rise with fleas funny scottish Christina Dodd
9626d75 Do we have a hand mirror?' I asked from the kitchen doorway. 'Never use one,' said Lester, examining the date on a carton of sour cream. 'Naturally, you're a male. What you see is what you've got,' I said resentfully. 'Huh?' said Lester. woman humorous funny hand-mirror resentful sour-cream teenage-boy genitals teenage-girl sibling confusion brother weird girl random gross mirror sexuality Phyllis Reynolds Naylor
13b17cd "- "Surely you have considered terrorist activity?" humour funny Terry Pratchett
581d398 Life is so funny sometimes that you just have to laugh. live happy joy funny life laugh Rebecca McNutt
1393e84 Volvos are fundamentally invisible. volvos john-sandford michele-cook the-singular-menace funny humor outrage mgg invisible John Sandford
fb6fbf8 "The intercom buzzes while you're changing your shirt. You push the Talk button: "Who is it?" "Narcotics squad. We're soliciting donations for children all over the world who have no drugs." funny Jay McInerney
56f735a "You dance?" "I think that might be overly optimistic," he said. "I do something. I'll try not to hurt you." humour romance funny Robyn Carr
b71b988 "A million possible endearments ran through his head. But he said, "Help." humour romance funny Robyn Carr
03f62e7 "I mean, I don't want to pass judgment--I just wish my husband didn't shoot deer." "Oh, Mel, don't worry. I've been hunting with your husband--the deer are completely safe." -- humour romance funny Robyn Carr
e289308 "He returned my smile with a half grin. "So what do you blog about? Knitting? Puzzles? Being lonely?" funny blogger blogging obsidian book Jennifer L. Armentrout
7a08ab0 "Alice opened the door when I rang. She had on green pyjamas and held a hairbrush in one hand. She looked wearily at Quinn and spoke wearily: "Bring it in." I took it in and spread it on a bed. It mumbled something I could not make out and moved one hand feebly back and forth, but its eyes stayed shut." funny humor Dashiell Hammett
0b24799 Dixon was not unconscious of this awed reverence which was given to her; nor did she dislike it; it flattered her as much as Louis the Fourteenth was flattered by his courtiers shading their eyes from the dazzling light of his presence. history funny louis-xiv reverence north-and-south respect pride france Elizabeth Gaskell
8fec28f "Forgive my brother," Camira apologized. "We don't normally let him out of his cage when guests are present." funny humor funny-quotes laugh-out-loud Brandon Mull
61b4fc5 "The only furniture in the dank space was a flimsy cot. Water dripped steadily in one corner. A hole in the floor appeared to serve as a latrine. What most caught Kendra's eye were the messages scratched on the wall. She roamed the cell, reading the crudely inscribed phrases. "Seth rules! Welcome to Seth's House. Seth rocks! Seth was here. Now it's your turn. Seth Sorenson forever. Enjoy the food! If you're reading this, you can read. All roads lead to Seth. Is it still dripping? Seth haunts these halls. You're in a Turkish prison! Seth is the man! Use the meal mats as toilet paper." And so forth. Cold, hopeless, and alone, Kendra found herself giggling at the messages her brother had scrawled. He must have been so bored!" funny cheer-up dungeon kendra-sorenson messages seth-sorenson prison hopeless Brandon Mull
ab8b489 Simon gave her a startled look. 'I don't believe I have ever been condescended to by a woman before.' She shrugged. 'It was probably past time. romance funny romance-book-quotes Julia Quinn
75fde24 "Mrs. Russell made us both sit down with a glass of milk. "And I have a special treat for you," she said. I'm not lying. She really said that. I held my breath because of the last special treat at the Daughertys', but it didn't help, because when Mrs. Russell came back, she came back with a loaf of banana bread. Banana bread! And James said, "How about we have some jam with that?" and Mrs. Russell said, "Jam? Then you wouldn't be able to taste the bananas," and James said, "Ma, I hate bananas," and she said, "But I'm sure that Doug enjoys them," and I said, "I think I'm still full from lunch, so the milk's fine," and then Mrs. Russell picked up the plate with the banana bread on it, and you might not believe this, but she started to laugh and laugh a d laugh, until Mr. Russell came out to the kitchen to see what was so funny and she showed him the banana bread and he said, "I hate bananas," and we all started to laugh until Mrs. Russell said, "I hate bananas too," and you can imagine us all laughing until we were crying and finally Mrs. Russell took the banana bread outside to break it up for the birds-"Let's hope they like bananas"-and then I showed Mr. Russell Aaron Copland's Autobiography: Manuscript Edition, and he stopped laughing." laughter funny Gary D. Schmidt
1d80198 We made it back to the airport without getting mugged, stoned, shot at, pounced on, bombed, shelled, garroted, gassed, pitched into, caught in a cross fire, sniped at, blockaded, napalmed, or trip-wired. No one even hit us with a water balloon. funny humor ishmael Daniel Quinn
2d822ae "Suzanne glanced over at her, eyebrow raised. "Is there an anaconda?" she asked, like it had suddenly occurred to her she could be totally wrong. Tamara should only be so lucky. "No, there's no anaconda, I can promise you that." Not even a garden snake." -- funny flat-out-sexy Erin McCarthy
1a9b603 Ender began to eat, slowly and carefully, pretending not to notice he was the center of attention. humour funny life Orson Scott Card
219ecbc They have provided a system which for terse comprehensiveness surpasses Justinian's Pandects and the By-laws of the Chinese Society for the Suppression of Meddling with other People's Business. chinese-society justinian mind-your-own-business pandects funny moby-dick melville laws lol Herman Melville
6cbe2c6 Instead of the calendrical terms Monday, Tuesday and so forth, we cheerfully offer the following surrogates. Use them freely and often, for their use honors us all. For Sunday, please use Sunshine. For Monday. pleasy use Monty. For Tuesday, please use Toes. For Wednesday, please use Wetty. For Thursday, please use Thurby. For Friday, please use Fribs. For Saturday, please use Satto-gatto. words funny Mark Dunn
fb87c66 "In the void, there is no distinction of east and west." Gwen blinked slightly at that. "I know all of those words, and yet when strung together like that I have no idea what they mean." funny proverb monk steampunk Jim Butcher
401fcd6 "Then this," Grimm said, "is what I believe professional inquisitors refer to as a clue." "In my considered judgment as an occasional inquisitor for the Spirearch," Benedict said, "I believe you may be correct." funny obvious Jim Butcher
c766ff4 "We didn't have time to get you an actual haircut," she said. "Seriously, did you do it yourself? Maybe without a mirror?" I put a hand up to my head self-consciously and said, "I had some help from the General. And, hey, I didn't say anything about your man-shoes." "They're steel-toed," she said calmly. "In case I need to plant them in anyone's ass as a result of him calling them man-shoes. And seriously, you let Toot help you with your hair?" funny haircut faeries Jim Butcher
9d978a5 Suddenly, however, the dastardly department of my personality presented two plans, one of which involved dynamite, mustache wax, some rope, and train tracks . . . which I rejected due to financial investment. funny villainy Laurie Notaro
0a3f545 You know what? We need a recession in this country, because that would finaly weed out al the subnormal, underdeveloped, stupefied, puerile people in this workforce. stupidity funny employement jobless joblessness unemployed recession need stupid Jen Lancaster
0eaa278 Isn't he cute? That he thinks he has a sense of humour? humour romance funny Robyn Carr
639506e I had aimed at Mars and was about to hit Venus; unquestionably the all-time cosmic record for poor shots. funny humor space-travel science-fiction Edgar Rice Burroughs
b626f2c "Does still run fiction?" "I have absolutely no idea, Melinda," he said, grinning." humour romance funny Robyn Carr
4c33efa "Gankis lifted an arm to point at the distant shale cliffs. "And in the face of it there were thousands of little holes, little what-you-call-'ems..." "Alcoves," Kennit supplied in an almost dreamy voice. "I call them alcoves, Gankis. As would you, if you could speak your own mother tongue." funny answer arm blank captain cliff query response title tongue witty word language point mother sarcastic question voice wit name sarcasm Robin Hobb
a9ee426 She says screens are the cigarettes of our age. They're toxic, and we're only going to realize the damage they're doing when it's too late. funny family friendship life starbucks sunglasses bully Sophie Kinsella
bc48916 "I'll always be your friend," he said. "Your best friend, if you let me. But I want to be your lover, too." He groaned and shifted in his chair. "Soon. I want to be that soon." Then a look came over him. "Oh Gina...I didn't even court you! God, I should date you first before I beg you to take off your clothes!" romantic humour romance funny Robyn Carr
28d7d53 She moved in for a better look.It was a portrait of Bob Marley,a pretty good one,actually.No Woman, No Cry...that's right.No teenage girls either.All right,ten points if you'Re a poet,minus twenty-five if you're in a band and minus fifty if you're into the ganja. relationships funny Sheri Meshal
2229a88 He'd never been shy, but he'd always been a little uncertain around girls. He just couldn't believe they liked him. humour romance funny Robyn Carr
47f34b0 BLARGLE SLORG NOTH HARGHLE FTHAGN! You know. The usual. funny nonsense usual Jim Butcher
24ee79d I mean, here we are in LA. The home of celebrities. They're the local natural phenomenon. Everyone knows you come to LA to see the celebrities, like you go to Sri Lanka to see the elephants. funny humor Sophie Kinsella
538c457 We're like the couple on the sitcom that has good sparks but never get together for the sake of ratings. funny humor love Aimee Bender
1d40ab1 Irma, she said. But I had started to walk away. I heard her say some more things but by then I had yanked my skirt up and was running down the road away from her and begging the wind to obliterate her voice. She wanted to live with me. She missed me. She wanted me to come back home. She wanted to run away. She was yelling all this stuff and I wanted so badly for her to shut up. She was quiet for a second and I stopped running and turned around once to look at her. She was a thimble-sized girl on the road, a speck of a living thing. Her white-blond hair flew around her head like a small fire and it was all I could see because everything else about her blended in with the countryside. He offered you a what? she yelled. An espresso! I yelled back. It was like yelling at a shorting wire or a burning bush. What is it? she said. Coffee! I yelled. Irma, can I come and live-- I turned around again and began to run. literature fiction funny inspirational novel Miriam Toews
f4279bf When a boy's first romantic interlude is with Pheobe the Dog-Faced Girl, he feels a need to get out into the world and find a new life. funny humor life love circus life-experience girls teenagers dating Annette Curtis Klause
3093a4d "YOU WILL DRINK THE COFFEE UNTIL I CAN SEE MY FACE IN THE BOTTOM OF THE CUP!" I did not mean to roar. "But it's a clay cup." "I DO NOT CARE!" He finished the coffee. "You did not have to finish it," I said, because I could perceive that he was rebuilding the Great Wall of China with shit bricks." funny Jonathan Safran Foer
86d8c2d -- !Fuera de mi cabeza! --No puedo evitarlo. Estas transmitiendo tus pensamientos tan condenadamente fuerte, que siento que debo ir a sentarme en un rincon y comenzar a mecerme, susurrando el nombre de Daemon una y otra vez. spanish funny humor saga-lux Jennifer L. Armentrout
0fb93f5 You are my flesh and blood and I have always doted on you, but right now I would have to say you deserve a haughty, ruined chit for your own and she deserves you. funny mr-mason mary-balogh Mary Balogh
5360afd Be honest with yourself; set the alarm for the time the Real You will get up, not the Ambitious You, because the Ambitious You doesn't really exist. sleep funny humor life mornings Laurie Notaro
98faee4 "SHUT UP," Carot Top say, the cocane now taking effect. "This isnt Poetry 101. People want to laugh. Your suposed to be a 'King' of Prop Comedy. But youve been acting more like a jester of prop comedy." funny Seinfeld 2000
63e5375 "His son Peter Bucky happily spent time driving Einstein around, and he later wrote down some of his recollections in extensive notebooks. They provide a delightful picture of the mildly eccentric but deeply un-affected Einstein in his later years. Peter tells, for example, of driving in his convertible with Einstein when it suddenly started to rain. Einstein pulled off his hat and put it under his coat. When Peter looked quizzical, Einstein explained: "You see, my hair has withstood water many times before, but I don't know how many times my hat can." funny einstein-quotes einstein-s-life sarcastic-humor Walter Isaacson
89813a4 If I get killed, put my boots back on me. harmon john-sandford michele-cook the-singular-menace funny death humor killed outrage mgg twist John Sandford
b32d1e8 "You know Quinn?" Macaulay asked me. "Ten minutes ago I was putting him to bed." Macaulay grinned. "I hope you keep his acquaintance like that - social" "Meaning what?" Macaulay's grin became rueful. "He used to be my broker, and his advice led me right up to the poorhouse steps." "That's sweet," I said. "he's my broker now and I'm following his advice." Macaulay and the girl laughed. I pretended I was laughing and returned to my table." money funny humor broker Dashiell Hammett
cc92542 Who in the universe halts when the enemy tells them to? war funny crown wise enemy Sherwood Smith
de3efa9 "What are you doing?" Alecto asked in surprise, stepping back. Laughing brightly, she dragged him towards the greenhouse, the shattered glass reflecting rainbows as brilliant as a million Kodak flashcubes, glittering as they were cascaded through the breeze. "See, don't be afraid of the glass, it can't hurt us," Mandy laughed, spectacularly eccentric, her eyes reflecting the fallen glass. "I wasn't afraid of the glass, but this isn't a very secluded place that you just decided to vandalize," Alecto cautioned, smiling despite his words. Before Mandy could reply, she heard loud whispering in the air, behind the trees... it sounded like a group of people, all whispering in unison... "Somebody's out there," she exclaimed nervously. "Yeah, you're right," Alecto replied. Suddenly a sharp new vibrancy seemed to fill his eyes and he smiled coldly, taking the tree branch from Mandy and rapidly smashing in all of Mrs. Matthias' stained glass house windows with it. Blue, green, yellow, red, turquoise, purple and an array of other colors showered through the sky noisily, sounding like wind chimes and crashing waves. "They'll go away," he told her, glancing up at the sky. "...Alecto, do you like me?" Mandy questioned, holding out her arms like a lopsided scarecrow as the glass fell through her dark red hair. "Yeah, sure," he answered. "Will you be my friend, then? A real friend, not just another person who feels sorry for me?" Mandy asked. "...Alright, Mandy Valems," Alecto agreed." depression fun friends funny friendship love colored flashcube greenhouse scarecrow stained-glass vibrancy wind-chimes kodak cape-breton nova-scotia glitter cut air whispering yellow waves best-friends sorry green sharp vandalism blue canada glass growing-up red shatter trees noir friend house smile children crashing noise nostalgia Rebecca McNutt
1318f17 "Shit" Bug said, his face sour. "It's that thing again. We've been dealing with it since Pierce. You think you have a lead and then poof" - he made a puffing motion with his fingers - "it melts into nothing and all you have is frustration and the far noise your face makes when you hit you desk with it." Fart.... what?" funny farts nevada-baylor Ilona Andrews
f3629a7 "Um, thanks," Jackson told her. "And your name is...?" "I'm Margaret, Margaret Van Der Graaf," she answered with another eerie smile. Her teeth were so white that they looked bleached. "Van Der Graaf?" Jackson repeated, trying to stifle his laughter. He didn't want to be rude to the only person in sight, to this kind-hearted stranger who was offering to help him, but... Van Der Graaf? "What are you laughing at?" Margaret asked with curiosity, flashing him a calculating gaze. "I like my name. If you're going to be a jerk, then I won't help you. You can stay out here on the street through the night for all I care." "...Harsh," said Jackson, giving her a quizzical glance back. There was something 'off' about her, something that Jackson couldn't quite place, something that bordered on horrible loneliness and longing. "Who else lives here, Margaret Van Der Graaf?" He couldn't resist saying her name aloud. Despite its hilarity, it had a nice ring to it. "Who else lives here?" he urged. "Me, myself and I," said Margaret simply, snickering when she saw his horrified and annoyed expression" funny friendship humor comedy lonliness weird stranger smile ghost longing name Rebecca McNutt
cc1dfae "Sorry, Ian," Cameron said. He found himself saying that to Ian quite a bit. "I didn't understand." Ian gave him a faint nod but didn't answer. His look told Cameron that he knew his older brother was an idiot, but he'd learned to put up with it." funny ian Jennifer Ashley
962667e Byron clapped Walter on the back. 'Good work,' he said. Walter shook his head. 'You're the one who clocked her with the Stephen King hardcover. That took some of the wind out of her.' 'Thank heavens he's a wordy man,' said Byron. funny humor Michael Thomas Ford
4d028a4 Now that's a sight for sore eyes, Sebastian. Maybe I should just leave you here: the hotel maids might appreciate that. Or, better still, maybe I'll take a photograph of you on my phone. Dont worry, I wont post it on the internet, it'll just be my screen saver. funny Jane Harvey-Berrick
6db3000 "Twenty she curses you out by lunch," says Chris. "Thirty she kills you by lunch," adds Logan. "I'm getting her number." The two of them laugh." funny humor Katie McGarry
e01a9e9 keep your eyes on him, you wretched vainglorious creature, funny granby iskierka vainglorious Naomi Novik
662569c When I was small I dreamed of demons. I thought they were under my bed, but you said, it can't be so, you don't get demons our side of the river, the guards won't let them over London Bridge. funny fear dreams nightmares Hilary Mantel
15f7f95 Just a minute, Miss Frazetti, I'm getting dressed.' 'Hurry it up, Mo,' snapped Carla, her voice crackly through the cheap speakers. 'I'm getting old here. funny sarcasm Eoin Colfer
5e43dfb It's very important my parent's don't think I'm starting to fall in love with people, because then they might notice that I'm growing up, and I'm kind of trying to keep it a secret. I think it will cause an incident humour feminist funny secret growing-up Caitlin Moran
a7191c9 "I've got money!" Eve exclaimed in a frantic frenzy of hope, her eyes dancing wildly with the notion that there was some way out of this. "I mean, I don't know what use money is to the Grim Reaper, but I've got a ton of cash! It's in a hat box under my bed! I've got a bright red Lexus in the garage, I've got my engagement ring upstairs, it's real gold... there must be something we can trade off with..." "You can't bribe me away, I'm afraid," said Mr. Azrael. "Money means nothing where I come from." money funny death bribe frantic garage hat-box lexus under-the-bed grim-reaper engagement-ring cash weird tragic engagement car dead die sad dying Rebecca McNutt
1ec9d2d There is no spoon. illusion funny matrix wizard Jim Butcher
17215e3 You watch pro ball and those guys spend so much time with their hands on each other's rear ends, you'd think they were feeling for diamonds or something. funny humor football Catherine Gilbert Murdock
0a5f656 he dragged her like a string of cans behind the wedding car funny visual-writing Eoin Colfer
caafafc Artemis hooked the speaker over one ear, adjusting the mike stem so it wound across his mouth. 'Foaly? Are you listening?' 'Are you kidding?' came the reply. 'This is better than human soap operas. funny soap-operas Eoin Colfer
5628271 Naturally, we lunatics are the kindest of the bunch. funny lunatics nice kind Eoin Colfer
f4a1e6f Algebra-Readpages 7-14. Do the odd numbered problems. From what I've seen, they're all pretty odd. funny David Lubar
3a8ebea Algebra-Read pages 7-14. Do the odd numbered problems. From what I've seen, they're all pretty odd. funny David Lubar
09dc99d "I know what you're thinking," said Root. "Why am I picking on you every day? Why don't I ever bawl out those other layabouts?" Holly said nothing, but agreement was written all over the face. "I'll tell you why, shall I? Holly risked a nod. "It's because you're a girl." Holly felt her fingers curl into fists. She knew it!" funny Eoin Colfer
f44d1e7 The lawyer was a short, ugly, little man. He stood about three feet taller than his desk's two foot eight inch frame and he had dark eyes. Lois couldn't tell if they were black or an extremely dark brown. His hair was dirty blonde and very messy. He looked as if he had just crawled out of bed. His white button up shirt was tucked in on only one side and the other side hung out freely. He wore a pair of tan khakis and a pair of black loafers. His skin almost matched the khakis which was extremely creepy and Lois kept thinking the man wasn't wearing pants. funny creepy crawl frumpy khakis lawyer loafers pants sleazy unprofessional lazy Rebecca McNutt
9f278b2 There's a little bit of magic in every box! magic funny Adam Rex
c0e0f52 Be twice as funny as you are outrageous, because no one can resist the truth wrapped in a good joke. funny honesty truth Milo Yiannopoulos
442eb95 He had the whitest teeth I'd ever seen, which made me think his kisses would taste like Pep O Mint Life Savers. Joe's kisses probably tasted like pot and Funyuns. And failure. kiss funny love Tracey Garvis Graves
560fa25 Okay. Oh-kay. Re-cap. He just had a man come in his mouth. He liked it. He may be embarking on anal sex, soon, if he was reading the subtext right. Options: stay or leave. Pros of staying: first experience with anal sex. Cons of staying: first experience with anal sex. No, no. That isn't right. Pros of staying: first experience with anal sex. Cons of staying: not being able to face Pete the next day. Maybe ever. The thing about sex, though, as Ryan is discovering, is that it's a goddamn persuasive motivator. It fucks with people's minds. funny m-m Dominique Frost
0632139 Whenever a woman smiled his way, she'd already begun dividing her life into trimesters. funny Ta-Nehisi Coates
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