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31c4c0b
|
"Where will we go?" "I hear hell is particularly nice at this time of year."
|
|
assassins
queen-of-shadows
celaena-sardothien
comeback
goodbye
hilarious
|
Sarah J. Maas |
|
e3ecab7
|
"Did those nice church ladies come by again?" He nodded. "I asked them if a man died and then the woman remarried, and then the three of them met in heaven, would it be a sin for them to have a threesome, since they were all married in God's eye. And they decided they were late to be somewhere else."
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|
funny
awesome
ascanio
threesome
kate-daniels
church
hilarious
|
Ilona Andrews |
|
e5c645b
|
Her name badge read: Hello! My name is DIE, DEMIGOD SCUM!
|
|
funny
humor
random
name-badge
the-son-of-neptune
rick-riordan
hilarious
laugh-out-loud
|
Rick Riordan |
|
86f4b6e
|
"No more tubs for me." I jumped off the bed and pulled on a pair of Pack sweats. "They make me lose all sense." Curran sprawled on the bed with a big self-satisfied smile. "Want to know a secret?" "Sure." "It's not the bathtub, baby." Well, aren't we smug. I picked up the corner of the lowest mattress and made a show of looking under it. "What are you looking for?" "A pea Your Majesty." "What?" "You heard me." I jumped back as he lunged and his fingers missed me by an inch. "Getting slow in your old age." "I thought you liked it slow." A flashback to last night mugged me and my mind executed a full stop. He laughed. "Ran out of snappy comebacks?" "Hush. I'm trying to think of one."
|
|
magic
ilona-andrews
kate
hilarious
|
Ilona Andrews |
|
55ea93d
|
Is my paranoia getting completely out of hand, or are you mongoloids really talking about me?
|
|
ass
curmudgeon
meatsacks
mouthbreathers
pronouncements
intellectual
pompous
attitude
sheep
satire
hilarious
contempt
|
John Kennedy Toole |
|
83e73d5
|
"June cackled with delight, muttering, "Whoops!" as a car almost killed them."
|
|
humor
laugh-at-loud
june
the-son-of-neptune
rick-riordan
hilarious
|
Rick Riordan |
|
6c5dda1
|
"Thats what happens to Snow in Texas, lady. It freaking MELTS!!" Leo Valdez- The Lost Hero"
|
|
earth
heroes
heo
melts
of-olympus
valdez
freak
texas
leo
jackson
percy
rick-riordan
lady
hilarious
lost
snow
|
Rick Riordan |
|
8facd77
|
"Oh- and grab the plastic bag over by my suitcase." I slug down the last of the coffee and get up. The bag contains panty hose. I put them on her desk. "They're for you." "You want me to look homeless, desperate, but also kind of fabulous?"
|
|
humor
hilarious
|
Holly Black |
|
084b821
|
"The point is, if we find out you've been horrible to Harry --" "-- and make no mistake, we'll hear about it. "even if you won't let Harry use the fellytone --" " "
|
|
tonks
lupin
dursley
hilarious
|
J.K. Rowling |
|
c076a91
|
And so the merry party began. It was one of those jolly, happy, bread-crumbling parties where you cough twice before you speak, and then decide not to say it after all.
|
|
hilarious
|
P.G. Wodehouse |
|
3c603f4
|
Yes, I kidnapped that Lindberg baby.
|
|
witty
hilarious
|
Chuck Palahniuk |
|
636d819
|
"NOTHING HAS EVER LOOKED LIKE THAT EVER IN ALL OF HUMAN HISTORY," he said. His enthusiasm was adorable. I couldn't resist leaning over to kiss him on the cheek. "Just so you know, I'm right here," Mom said. "Sitting next to you. Your mother. Who held your hand as you took your first infantile steps." "It's friendly," I reminded her, turning to kiss her on the cheek. "Didn't feel too friendly," Gus mumbled just loud enough for me to hear. When surprised and excited and innocent Gus emerged from Grand Gesture Metaphorically Inclined Augustus, I literally could not resist."
|
|
mothers
hilarious
|
John Green |
|
245b660
|
Fat men take a cushion with them wherever they go.
|
|
humour
truth
humourous
hilarious
|
George R.R. Martin |
|
9fbce98
|
Roz to Amelia (the house ghost): How considerate of you, after trying to kill me, to see that I don't catch a cold.
|
|
hilarious
|
Nora Roberts |
|
6a92e81
|
"You're all right, Blue Eyes." She lifted her head to look into them. "You're all right, down the line. You ever want a free bang, you got one coming." "It would, no doubt be a memorable bang. But my wife is fiercely jealous and territorial." He grinned over at a very cold-eyed Eve. "Her? You? That's a kick in the ass." "Every damn day," Eve muttered, and strode out. She kept striding, out of the club, back into the comparatively fresh air of the city street. And fisted her hands on her hips as she spun to him. "Did you have to do the 'my wife' crap?" His grin remained, and only widened. "I did, yes. I felt a desperate need for your protection. I believe that woman had designs on me." "I'll put a design on you that won't come off in the shower." "See, now I'm excited." Reaching out, he toyed with the lapel of her coat."What have you got in mind ?"
|
|
marriage
roarke
hilarious
|
J.D. Robb |
|
770ac17
|
"The priest DID have it coming, though," Lelldorin declared hotly. "What priest?" "The priest of Chaldan at that little chapel who wouldn't marry us because Arianna couldn't give him a document proving she had her family's consent. He was very insulting." "Did you break anything?" "A few of his teeth is about all-- and I stopped hitting him as soon as he agreed to perform the ceremony."
|
|
funny
lelldorin
garion
the-belgariad
hilarious
|
David Eddings |
|
b2f0486
|
"Has anyone ever told you that you're unbearably rude?" she returned, facing him again. "Why, yes. You have on several occasions, as I recall. If you care to apologize for that, however, I'll be happy to escort you wherever you wish to go." A flush crept up her cheeks, coloring her delicate, ivory skin. "I will never apologize to you," she snapped. "And you may go straight to Hades." He hadn't expected her to apologize, yet he couldn't help suggesting it every so often. "Very well. Upstairs, first door on the left. I'll be in Hades, if you should require my services."
|
|
couple
hilarious
|
Suzanne Enoch |
|
4238c19
|
Above him loomed a grotesque fat man [...] His bedrobe was large enough to serve as a tourney pavilion, but its loosely knotted belt had come undone, exposing a huge white belly and a pair of heavy breasts that sagged like sacks of suet covered with coarse yellow hair.
|
|
hilarious
|
George R.R. Martin |
|
f10b249
|
"You should find something better to do with your time," Mandy told him. "I spend my time shooting people, and then I take them to darkrooms and blow them up." "...Come again?" Alecto questioned with a tone of alarm in his voice. "I take photographs and develop them myself, I've got my own darkroom... it was a joke," Mandy laughed. "I love photography and I'm gonna be a photojournalist someday." "Really?" Alecto asked. For the first time since she'd met him, he sounded slightly enthusiastic. "...I take photographs and I film my own home movies, I have a darkroom as well... but I can't be a photojournalist like you... I can't be anything... still, at least I can take photographs, it's fun."
|
|
photography
murder
friends
funny
humor
april-fool-s
blow-up
chemical
dark-room
demented
instamatic
nikon
photography-humor
home-movies
kodak
darkroom
super-8
disturbing
develop
camera
enthusiasm
shoot
weird
film
strange
hilarious
joke
crazy
insane
|
Rebecca McNutt |
|
9809bae
|
He closed his eyes. The insides of his eyelids were a brownish black, not at all the same as the thick purple of the night. Darkness had so many colors. It was strange, that, and perhaps a little disquieting. But-- --Oh!|| A foot slammed into his left calf, and he opened his eyes just in time to see a woman tumbling backward. Right onto his blanket. He smiled. The gods still loved him.
|
|
hilarious
|
Julia Quinn |
|
94d520c
|
"Would you be shedding tears for McNab's dead body if he'd been screwing around on you?" Peabody pursed her lips. "Well, since I'd've been the one who killed him, I'd probably be shedding tears for me because you'd be arresting me. And that would really make me sad."
|
|
in-death
peabody
hilarious
|
J.D. Robb |
|
eabebe9
|
Hadn't retired reporter Stan warned him of how protective Cosimo was of his granddaughters? What if the Carusos had discovered his identity and wanted to rub him out as they'd rubbed out his father? Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.
|
|
prayer
hilarious
|
Christie Ridgway |
|
d58c7fe
|
At present, however, with his aching head and queasy stomach, Sebastian was feeling exceedingly resistible. Or if not that, then resistant. Aphrodite herself could descend from the ceiling, floating on a bloody clamshell, naked but for a few well-placed flowers, and he'd likely puke at her feet. No, no, she ought to be completely naked. If he was going to prove the existence of a goddess, right here in this room, she was damned well going to be naked. He'd still puke on her feet, though.
|
|
naked
hilarious
|
Julia Quinn |
|
d5c0f2d
|
Big business learned that if you stopped fighting big government, you could profit from it by killing your smaller competitors.
|
|
hilarious
|
Thomas E. Woods Jr. |
|
5360942
|
"Well--to put it briefly--Arianna and I had become--well--friends." "I see." "Nothing improper, you understand," Lelldorin said quickly. "But our friendship was such that--well--we didn't want to be separated." The young Asturian's face appealed to his friend for understanding. "Actually," he went on, "it was a little more than 'didn't want to.' Arianna told me she'd die if I left her behind." "Possibly she was exaggerating," Garion suggested. "How could I risk it, though?" Lelldorin protested. "Women are much more delicate than we are-- besides, Arianna's a physician. She'd know if she'd die, wouldn't she?"
|
|
funny
the-belgariad
hilarious
|
David Eddings |
|
a41de80
|
"Do you have nicknames for any of your other brothers?" The youngster squinted his dark gray eyes in concentration. "Well, Tristan is Dare, and sometimes he's Tris; and Bradshaw is Shaw; and sometimes we call Andrew, Drew, but he doesn't like that very much." "Why not?" "He says it's a girls' name, and then Shaw calls him Drusilla."
|
|
hilarious
|
Suzanne Enoch |
|
c85f980
|
I have to go. Boss has this weird idea that I should actually work while he's paying me.
|
|
work
hilarious
|
Laurie Halse Anderson |
|
caa8d0d
|
"John shrugged. "It always seemed silly to me to desire a woman who cannot converse any better than a sheep." Belle leaned forward, her eyes glittering mischievously. "Really? I would have thought you'd prefer such a woman,considering your difficulty with polite conversation." "Touche, my lady. I cede this round to you."
|
|
humor
hilarious
|
Julia Quinn |
|
1b771db
|
And after his unparsable response, including a passage where he said he was 'blurring the boundaries between a thing and thought,' she said, 'Thank you, I get lost sometimes,' while laying two fingers on his folded arm.
|
|
hilarious
|
Steve Martin |
|
0796660
|
"Pamela pulled off her cloak and Alexei gasped. "You have on breeches!" He stared in disbelief. "Breeches!" "I've never worn them before, and they are extremely comfortable. I quite like them." She smoothed the fabric over her hip. "Besides, you don't expect me to duel in a dress, do you?" "I do not expect you to duel at all!" Pamela ignored him. "That would be most unfair, dueling in a dress, unless, of course, you would be willing to wear a dress as well?" "Don't be absurd." He snorted in disdain. "I have no intention of ever wearing women's clothing again." "Again?" She raised a brow. "It was an unavoidable disguise," he muttered."
|
|
fencing
hilarious
|
Victoria Alexander |
|
d0ccc97
|
"People have been sleeping and/or marrying their way to the top since the first cavewoman said: 'Ugh, that one's the strongest and has the biggest club. I'll shake my mastodon-skin-covered ass at him.'" "Ugh?" "Or whatever cave people said. And it's not just women who do it. Cave guy goes: 'Ugh, that one catches the most fish, I'll be dragging her off to my cave now.' Ava sees Tommy and--" "Says ugh." "Or today's equivalent thereof." -Eve & Roarke. ."
|
|
marriage
reality
in-death
roarke
hilarious
|
J.D. Robb |
|
4e11440
|
"I would like to point out, though, Lady Georgiana," he continued, "that you have decided to stay in a household with five single gentlemen, three of them adults." "Four," Andrew broke in, coloring. "I'm seventeen. That's older than Romeo was when he married Juliet." "And it's younger than I am, which is what counts," Tristan countered, sending his brother a stern look."
|
|
family
hilarious
|
Suzanne Enoch |
|
0f1a42a
|
From the Diary of the Duchess of Roxburghe I vow, I cannot seem to walk past a window without seeing my great-nephew carrying Miss Balfour somewhere. All great romantic poems have such scenes where the hero, in a fit of passion, sweeps the heroine off her feet. Sadly, it appears that Sin's technique is questionable. I'm surprised that, with all of his supposed experience with the gentler sex, he doesn't realize that women do not like to be carried in a way that musses their hair and leaves them with unattractively red faces. Sadly, yet another conversation I shall have to have with that boy.
|
|
hilarious
|
Karen Hawkins |
|
5576e32
|
"Her gaze flickered to the balcony doors and back, her brows knitted in confusion. "My balcony doesn't connect to yours." "I jumped." He grinned at the flash of concern he saw in "her eyes. "At dinner, your grandmother informed me that you'd be moving to the room beside mine. She also mentioned how close my balcony was to yours; so close that even an old lady like herself could leap between the two without the least effort." Venetia's cheeks heated and she pulled her nightgown closer. "Grandmama is anything but subtle." "Almost as subtle as your mother." "Oh, no! Not Mama, too." Gregor paused beside a small table to pick up a silver tray holding a cut crystal decanter and matching glasses and set it on the table before Venetia. "Your mother was concerned I might be afraid of heights. She told me that if she were thinking of jumping between the balconies and couldn't bring herself to make the leap, it might be possible to pick the lock on the connecting door with, say, a cravat pin." Venetia blushed. "I'm surprised they aren't in here now, throwing rose petals before you as you walk." "I would never countenance petal tossing. Too showy."
|
|
lovers
family
humor
love
hilarious
|
Karen Hawkins |
|
6c5cf31
|
"Dont shave,I like it..It helps with one of my new fantasies." "Yeah ?"Zack shifted a little to the center on top of him for maximum pleasure."What new fantasy is that ?" Lucy grinned,the sleepiness in her smile melting into guile."The one about the innocent schoolteacher and the vicious,uncivilized cop.Want to play ?" "Sure."Zack ran his hands up her back."Who do you want to be ?" "I,of course will be the innocent schoolteacher"Lucy batted her eyes at him. "Which makes me the cop.All right you have the right to remain naked." Lucy laughed."
|
|
love
naked
hilarious
|
Jennifer Crusie |
|
f65a673
|
"Where did you get your tat?" "Aaron's shop. You want to get a tat?" he asked, grinning as if this was hilarious. "I have one," I said, rolling the ball into the gutter. "It's not finished though." "How come?" "My brother interrupted the tattoo and I never had the money to get it done again." "No, I meant how come you're such a bad bowler? Is it genetic?" he asked. "Like do you come from a long line of people who can't make a ball roll in a straight line?" "You're hilarious." "I try, Pixie Dust."
|
|
pixie-dust
vaughn
tattoos
lark
hilarious
|
Bijou Hunter |