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be6d38c "Investigation?" Isabelle laughed. "Now we're detectives? Maybe we should all have code names." "Good idea," said Jace. "I shall be Baron Hotschaft Von Hugenstein." isabelle-lightwood jace-wayland investigation joke Cassandra Clare
c905b7a I was smiling yesterday,I am smiling today and I will smile tomorrow.Simply because life is too short to cry for anything. romance love inspirational cry smile joke Santosh Kalwar
751864e "Don't stop there. I suppose there are also, what, vampires and werewolves and zombies?" "Of course there are. Although you mostly find zombies farther south, where the voudun priests are." "What about mummies? Do they only hang around Egypt?" "Don't be ridiculous. No one believes in mummies." mummies jace-wayland werewolf zombies vampire joke sarcasm Cassandra Clare
5a57562 "One can never have enough socks," said Dumbledore. "Another Christmas has come and gone and I didn't get a single pair. People will insist on giving me books." family christmas deathly-hallows socks joke desire J.K. Rowling
2d06814 It's hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one. humor prank joke Rick Riordan
013a295 "Is this Clarissa Fray?" The voice on the other end of the phone sounded familiar, though not immediately identifiable. Clary twirled the phone cord nervously around her finger. "Yeees?" "Hi, I'm one of the knife-carrying hooligans you met last night in Pandemonium? I"m afraid I made a bad impression and was hoping you'd give me a chance to make it up to-" "SIMON!" Clary held the phone away from her ear as he cracked up laughing. "That is so not funny!" "Sure it is. You just don't see the humor." "Jerk." Clary sighed, leaning up against the wall." humor simon-lewis tease joke phone Cassandra Clare
2dc528f And it's Gryfindor in possession again, as Johnson takes the Quaffle-- Flint alongside her --poke him in the eye, Angelina --it was a joke, professor, it was a joke... humor joke J.K. Rowling
93fba22 In eternity there is no time, only an instant long enough for a joke. humor discordianism eternity joke Hermann Hesse
7a943cd Honey, no offense, but sometimes I think I could shoot you and watch you kick. violence love offense shoot kick sweet joke intimacy Raymond Carver
ab739bc Getting some redecorating ideas?' Nico asked. 'Maybe you could do your dining room in mediaeval monk skulls.' Hades arched an eyebrow. 'I can never tell when you're joking. joke Rick Riordan
1b041e2 "I told Ersken, "Lately it's been like living on the knife's edge, never knowing which side I'll fall off on" Ersken clapped me on the shoulder as we stepped into the street. "Cheer up, Beka. Maybe you were going to fall off that razor's edge before, but not today," he said, as good humored as always. "Today we're doing to jump." humor walking-the-line uncertainty joke Tamora Pierce
0ee1e67 An old joke has an Oxford professor meeting an American former graduate student and asking him what he's working on these days. 'My thesis is on the survival of the class system in the United States.' 'Oh really, that's interesting: one didn't think there was a class system in the United States.' 'Nobody does. That's how it survives. humour united-states joke Christopher Hitchens
7089ec3 "But--let me tell you my cat joke. It's very short and simple. A hostess is giving a dinner party and she's got a lovely five-pound T-bone steak sitting on the sideboard in the kitchen waiting to be cooked while she chats with the guests in the living room--has a few drinks and whatnot. But then she excuses herself to go into the kitchen to cook the steak--and it's gone. And there's the family cat, in the corner, sedately washing it's face." "The cat got the steak," Barney said. "Did it? The guests are called in; they argue about it. The steak is gone, all five pounds of it; there sits the cat, looking well-fed and cheerful. "Weigh the cat," someone says. They've had a few drinks; it looks like a good idea. So they go into the bathroom and weigh the cat on the scales. It reads exactly five pounds. They all perceive this reading and a guest says, "okay, that's it. There's the steak." They're satisfied that they know what happened, now; they've got empirical proof. Then a qualm comes to one of them and he says, puzzled, "But where's the cat?" ontology joke Philip K. Dick
32f3812 When in doubt, poke the beehive with a stick to see if anything interesting flies out. I clapped my hands. 'I had no idea Pit teams had such pretty cheerleaders. Can you do it again, but with more spirit this time? funny kate joke Ilona Andrews
45b38c2 The trouble with aggressive nonsmokers is that they feel they are doing you a favor by not allowing you to smoke. They seem to think that one day you'll look back and thank them for those precious fifteen seconds they just added to your life. What they don't understand is that those are just fifteen more seconds you can spend hating their guts and plotting revenge. humor vindictive joke David Sedaris
d1aa285 Jack didn't fully get Jesus. Audrey tried to explain it, and he could repeat it back to her, word for word, but he still didn't comprehend most of it. The best he could gather was that Jesus lived long ago, told people to be nice, and they killed him for it. At the end, he asked who was Jesus' necromancer and if he was in the Bible, then Kaldar couldn't stop laughing and had to sit down. jesus religion humor necromancer joke Ilona Andrews
e10e4d5 "Oh, no-" They weren't even on the runway, and Jonah's father was already immersed in his BlackBerry. "Remember those 'Live Large with the Wiz Generation' posters? Well, guess how that translates into Chinese- 'Jonah Wizard Makes Your Ancestors Fat'." jonah-wizard translation mistake joke Gordon Korman
c375ead Just don't ask me to deliver any more satyr babies and we'll get along great. humor joke Rick Riordan
d7164f1 "The combination of ammonia and chloride can be lethal but I've discovered it can work miracles as long as you keep telling yourself, "I want to love, I want to live..." funny humor joke David Sedaris
f1cc814 "Balekin and Orlagh are planning your murder," I say flustered. "Yes," he says lazily. "So why did I wake at all?" murder joke nonchalance sarcasm Holly Black
fda36f2 "I said I kicked a French chicken in the stomach once." "Huh?" "It said, 'Oeuf.'" "What is that?" "It's a joke. Do you want to hear another, or have you already had un oeuf?" joke Jonathan Safran Foer
c52d22f The joke is generally in the oddest way the truth and yet not the fact. humour truth joke G.K. Chesterton
ff2e8c0 Pity, I've learned, is like a fart. You can tolerate your own, but you simply can't stand anyone else's. humour funny sadness pity joke sad Jonathan Tropper
6a2d044 Richard Feynman was fond of giving the following advice on how to be a genius. You have to keep a dozen of your favorite problems constantly present in your mind, although by and large they will lay in a dormant state. Every time you hear or read a new trick or a new result, test it against each of your twelve problems to see whether it helps. Every once in a while there will be a hit, and people will say, 'How did he do it? He must be a genius! funny humor richard-p-feynman richard-phillips-feynman richard-feynman feynman read genius joke favorite Gian-Carlo Rota
dcd8dc1 Never ever make a joke to the police, they have no sense of humour. Never make a political joke, it will always be considered an insult. Always remember that umbrage can be taken by the lift of an eyebrow. Remember that if offence can possibly be taken, it will be. offence joke Dick Francis
f10b249 "You should find something better to do with your time," Mandy told him. "I spend my time shooting people, and then I take them to darkrooms and blow them up." "...Come again?" Alecto questioned with a tone of alarm in his voice. "I take photographs and develop them myself, I've got my own darkroom... it was a joke," Mandy laughed. "I love photography and I'm gonna be a photojournalist someday." "Really?" Alecto asked. For the first time since she'd met him, he sounded slightly enthusiastic. "...I take photographs and I film my own home movies, I have a darkroom as well... but I can't be a photojournalist like you... I can't be anything... still, at least I can take photographs, it's fun." photography murder friends funny humor april-fool-s blow-up chemical dark-room demented instamatic nikon photography-humor home-movies kodak darkroom super-8 disturbing develop camera enthusiasm shoot weird film strange hilarious joke crazy insane Rebecca McNutt
7cd5288 As many as thirty or as few as ten years later, lying exhausted and still, eyes open in the dark long after the three suns of Rakhat had set, no longer bleeding, past the vomiting, enough beyond the shock to think again, it would occur to Emilio Sandoz to wonder if perhaps that day int he Sudan was really only part of the setup for a punchline a life-time in the making. It was an odd thought, under the circumstances. He understood that, even at the time. But thinking it, he realized with appalling clarity that on his journey of discovery as a Jesuit, he had not merely been the first human being to set foot on Rhakhat, had not simply explored parts of its largest continent and learned two of its languages and loved some of its people. He had also discovered the outermost limit of faith and, in doing so had located the exact boundary of despair. It was at that moment that he learned, truly, to fear God. faith fear god humor joke Mary Doria Russell
768c021 But that's why you pay for insurance, right? If you never file a claim, then they've beaten you. insurance joke Jonathan Tropper
36282ff "And what if the other kids laugh at me?" Kerry complained to her parents as she nibbled on a piece of toast that morning. "I have a Cape Breton accent! They'll know I'm from Canada and they'll start asking me if I lived in an igloo or ate maple syrup, bacon and seal meat every day!" "You're really overreacting," Susan chuckled, sipping on a glass of orange juice. "Canada is a lot like the States and the only thing separating both countries is an imaginary boarder! If anyone laughs at you, tell them it doesn't snow year-round, you got free health care while you were there and that you never rode a polar bear to school. Besides, do you know how many popular movies and TV shows from the States were filmed in Canada?" "It's not just the Canada stuff mom," Kerry sighed worriedly. "I'm from Dym, it's an industrial dump!" "Yeah, and have you looked at Pittsburgh lately?" Susan asked. "Full of coal mines and steel mills, just like Sydney was when we lived there! I actually rather came to like the pollution, I don't think I'd ever want to leave it." funny wisdom pittsburgh polar-bear seal cape-breton nova-scotia canada united-states weird morning girl teenager parents stereotype teen joke nostalgia school Rebecca McNutt
70f6cad There was an old joke. Miller didn't remember where he'd heard it. Girl's at her own father's funeral, meets this really cute guy. They talk, hit it off, but he leaves before she can get his number. Girl doesn't know how to track the guy down. So a week later, she kills her mom. Big laugh. joke James S.A. Corey
c583fe2 I'll never miss a chance to remind you of what a brat you were. A gloriously beautiful and very spoiled brat. I was utterly charmed by your complete self-absorption. It was rather like courting a cat. love brat glorious narcissim poke-fun pursue remind self-absorption spoled tease cat woo chance narcissistic narcissus charm court like joke reminiscence courtship wooing Robin Hobb
9761a48 There was once a man named Joe... Joe was insecure because he had no ears. Joe couldn't hear a goddamn peep. And so he worked hard and saved up some money until eventually he was able to buy himself a pair of ears. And, for the first time in his life, he was able to hear the music of Beethoven and rejoice in the sound of a child's laughter. So Joe was no longer insecure about not having ears... although now he's a little insecure about his speech impediment. insecurity-quotes problems-in-life joke insecurity David Michael Miller
e299a07 A story told me by Michael Barrie: Jesus and the Blessed Virgin go out to play golf. The Blessed Virgin is at the top of her form, drives and lands on the green. Jesus slices and lands in the bushes. A squirrel picks up the ball and runs off with it. A dog grab the squirrel, which still holds the ball in its mouth. An eagle swoops down, picks up the dog, squirrel and ball, and soars into the air. Out of a clear sky, lightning strikes the eagle, which drops the dog which drops the squirrel which drops the ball, right into the hole. The Blessed Virgin throws down her driver and exclaims indignantly, 'Look, are you going to play golf or just fuck around? gay-authors joke Christopher Isherwood
e23b684 Dessert was an over baked chocolate chip cookies the size of a hockey puck and just about as tasty. humour funny dessert joke food Carl Hiaasen
885ae1c "Me mum always told me the rich was blessed, but I thought she was talkin' about gold." She leaned over to cackle in his ear, then actually patted him on the head as if he was some slavering lapdog. "You might have escaped the gallows, lad, but you was already well hung." raunchy joke Teresa Medeiros
bfd58d2 "Alecto... what do you think would happen if people found out about you? Your abilities, your life, Mearth's super 8 films, those powers of yours... how would they react?" "I don't know," said Alecto, "but ordinary people like a show, especially when it's a disturbing one. They enjoy seeing misery... probably because it allows them to pretend that they themselves are not so miserable, too. Also, they would probably find out about you, how you know about Personifications, how you saw the films... they would put us in cages and throw peanuts at us, I guess." "All joking aside, Alecto...." "Who is joking, Mandy Valems?" humor peanuts psychokinesis psychokinetic pyrokinetic super-8 super-8-film super-eight telekinesis throw pyrokinesis ordinary show film powers misery joke Rebecca McNutt
b61155b "Please ejaculate", I silently urged the man, "so I can go to sleep". (In this way I imagine I was like millions of women before me" sex humour joke Jon Ronson
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