funny

Link	Quote	Tags	Author
d9acae6	"Okay, you gotta be nice to him, " I say, coaxing the white fur-ball into my hands. "I will," Nate says, and I smile over my shoulder. "I was actually talking to Mr. Pippi. He's a bit of a butthole."	funny	Cassie Mae
36282ff	"And what if the other kids laugh at me?" Kerry complained to her parents as she nibbled on a piece of toast that morning. "I have a Cape Breton accent! They'll know I'm from Canada and they'll start asking me if I lived in an igloo or ate maple syrup, bacon and seal meat every day!" "You're really overreacting," Susan chuckled, sipping on a glass of orange juice. "Canada is a lot like the States and the only thing separating both countries is an imaginary boarder! If anyone laughs at you, tell them it doesn't snow year-round, you got free health care while you were there and that you never rode a polar bear to school. Besides, do you know how many popular movies and TV shows from the States were filmed in Canada?" "It's not just the Canada stuff mom," Kerry sighed worriedly. "I'm from Dym, it's an industrial dump!" "Yeah, and have you looked at Pittsburgh lately?" Susan asked. "Full of coal mines and steel mills, just like Sydney was when we lived there! I actually rather came to like the pollution, I don't think I'd ever want to leave it."	canada cape-breton funny girl joke morning nostalgia nova-scotia parents pittsburgh polar-bear school seal stereotype teen teenager united-states weird wisdom	Rebecca McNutt
4b1465b	"Bernie cursed and swore like a sailor sometimes, even around young children, to the point where he was kicked out of Disney World during a trip to Orlando, Florida one year. To boot, he'd jabbed a sewing needle into the helium Mickey Mouse balloons of at least twenty kids before a park worker dressed as Cinderella finally called security. "Disney's a greedy, bloodsucking corporation," was Bernie's half-assed excuse. Tony wasn't sure that even Bernie himself knew why he had an attitude like that."	cinderella corporation disney excuse funny kids needle swear weird	Rebecca McNutt
8235210	"I think we ought to find something else to do," said Mandy. "But Alecto my love, you're the first person to notice my retro diner kitchen. When my parents saw it, they thought I was creating a weird art project." "I like it. It's got that let's-drown-ourselves-in-better-days type ambiance," Alecto declared, his gray eyes narrowed."	ambience art better-days cape-breton diner drowning fifties friendship funny kitchen love nostalgia nova-scotia parents pollution retro	Rebecca McNutt
f07621c	Why would any writer in her right mind ever consider making a movie instead? That's like going from being a monk or a nun to serving as a camp counselor for hundreds of problem children.	funny	Amy Tan
560fa25	Okay. Oh-kay. Re-cap. He just had a man come in his mouth. He liked it. He may be embarking on anal sex, soon, if he was reading the subtext right. Options: stay or leave. Pros of staying: first experience with anal sex. Cons of staying: first experience with anal sex. No, no. That isn't right. Pros of staying: first experience with anal sex. Cons of staying: not being able to face Pete the next day. Maybe ever. The thing about sex, though, as Ryan is discovering, is that it's a goddamn persuasive motivator. It fucks with people's minds.	funny m-m	Dominique Frost
d8a4f95	"A very ladylike bosom," she said, approvingly. "There's nothing there," I complained. The clerk grinned. "I have been fitting bras for twenty-five years and no one ever thinks her breasts are good enough," she said. "You'll save yourself a	funny	Marta Acosta
8017097	So I went to bed, full, happy, and caring nothing for all the hurt of all the englished Welshmen that ever festered upon a proud land	english funny hiraeth wales welsh	Richard Llewellyn
8faed6f	"I know you haven't burned down any buildings in a while," she said, "but if you start feeling the need..."	fire funny wizard	Jim Butcher
9d01ef4	Tropical trees had been planted throughout the room, along with bright flowering plants that were busy committing the olfactory floral equivalent of aggravated assault.	flowers funny smell	Jim Butcher
1ec9d2d	There is no spoon.	funny illusion matrix wizard	Jim Butcher
f44d1e7	The lawyer was a short, ugly, little man. He stood about three feet taller than his desk's two foot eight inch frame and he had dark eyes. Lois couldn't tell if they were black or an extremely dark brown. His hair was dirty blonde and very messy. He looked as if he had just crawled out of bed. His white button up shirt was tucked in on only one side and the other side hung out freely. He wore a pair of tan khakis and a pair of black loafers. His skin almost matched the khakis which was extremely creepy and Lois kept thinking the man wasn't wearing pants.	crawl creepy frumpy funny khakis lawyer lazy loafers pants sleazy unprofessional	Rebecca McNutt
b724084	What the hell kind of Hell was this supposed to be?	funny ghost hell	Jim Butcher
263d817	"That woman," Grimm said quietly, "drives me quite insane." Kettle grunted. "Why'd you marry her, then?"	funny love marriage	Jim Butcher
5a88290	"Yen Sid surveyed the young villains in front of him. ,,What you are about to do is very dangerous." Carlos perked up. ,,That's fine, my middle name is-" ,,Oscar" said Evie. ,,We know."	descendants funny	Melissa de la Cruz
442eb95	He had the whitest teeth I'd ever seen, which made me think his kisses would taste like Pep O Mint Life Savers. Joe's kisses probably tasted like pot and Funyuns. And failure.	funny kiss love	Tracey Garvis Graves
0d842b8	With the long hours of daylight in the Alaska summers, the gardens served up a cornucopia of amazing and extra-large produce.	clean funny romance sweet	Debbie Macomber
e484835	Jary, Garge, Elane and Daved Pady emerge from the Lamborgini Veneno like sad clown's from the SICKEST clown car ever.	funny humor	Seinfeld 2000
c0e0f52	Be twice as funny as you are outrageous, because no one can resist the truth wrapped in a good joke.	funny honesty truth	Milo Yiannopoulos
5bc72c0	"The waitress walk away. Everyone look's at each other and then laugh. The laugh it feel so cathartic. It break the ice and sudenly the mood feel like old times. They may not have money now to aford food, but they still have each other. And forget what Maslow's "heirarchey of needs" say: some time's freindship is more important than nutrient's."	funny	Seinfeld 2000
c2d91d5	"Who said that?" asked Sir Grummore.	funny sword talkative	T.H. White
f4a1e6f	Algebra-Readpages 7-14. Do the odd numbered problems. From what I've seen, they're all pretty odd.	funny	David Lubar
3a8ebea	Algebra-Read pages 7-14. Do the odd numbered problems. From what I've seen, they're all pretty odd.	funny	David Lubar
c4f4ea9	"In sum," Midlife said, giving the room his best you-the-jury baritone, "Our defense will be...?" He looked to Matt for the answer/ "Blame the other guy," Matt said. "Which other guy?" "Yes." "Huh?" "We blame whoever we can," Matt said. "The CFO, the COO, the C Choose-Your-Favorite-Two-Letter-Combination, the accounting firm, the banks, the board, the lower-level employees. We claim some of them are crooks. We claim some of them made honest mistakes that steamrolled."	funny law	Harlan Coben
3af2c00	Mortimer Lindquist seemed to have finally given in to the inevitable. I'd seen him with a bad toupee, and with an even worse comb-over, but this was the first time I'd seen him sporting a full-on Charles Xavier.	funny hair x-men	Jim Butcher
d2a7afd	Maximus coughed a while longer, but in the middle of the night towards the end of the week, they were all woken by a terrible squealing, distant shrieks of terror and fire; in a panic they burst out from the tents to discover Maximus attempting guiltily to sneak unnoticed back into the parade grounds, with as much success as was to be expected in this endeavor, and carrying in his already-bloodied jaws a spare ox. This he hurriedly swallowed down almost entire, on finding himself observed, and then pretended not to know what they were talking about, insisting he had only got up to stretch his legs and settle himself more comfortably.	funny humor maximus sneaking	Naomi Novik
c75324d	Considering what a hot, wed dog smells like, dog stew has a surprisingly savory odor To tell the truth, it tastes pretty good, like oxtail. To be perfectly honest, it's delicious. (Anything about this to my golden retriever, and I'll punch your lights out.)	funny	P.J. O'Rourke
59bd752	...for if she had two characteristics in her natural state of health, they were a facility of eating and sleeping. If she could neither eat nor sleep, she must be indeed out of spirits and out of Health.	eat funny health sleep	Elizabeth Gaskell
b115a8f	This was another skill women were meant to learn: when a man's story had come to an end. Mostly, it wasn't a problem, as the end was thumpingly obvious; or else the narrator started snorting with laughter in advance, which was always a pretty good clue. Martha had long ago decided only to laugh at things she found funny. It seemed a normal sort of rule; but most men found it rebuking.	funny men women	Julian Barnes
829f1b7	... where there's one there's ten.' That's crazy math.	funny maths	Emma Donoghue
b2558b5	I stared at MacFinn for a long moment. I believed that he was telling me the truth. That he didn't have much control, if any, over his actions when he transformed. Though it occurred to me that if he wanted someone dead, he could probably point his monster-self in the right direction before he lost control. Note to self: Do not cut MacFinn off in traffic.	funny	Jim Butcher
da32e30	Remember, good things come to those who wait.	clean funny romance sweet	Debbie Macomber
f173772	[I don't get it. You guys look down on chimps for flinging their own poo but you think it's fine to fling other kinds of poo around? I mean, you get opposable thumbs and this is what you do with them?]	funny monkeys oberon	Kevin Hearne
ae54105	My bare foot sounded like a sad trout flapping against the marble floor.	funny trout	Kevin Hearne
5ce2628	Wahrend Alek zuschaute, begriff er, wie primitiv er das Gerat benutzt hatte, so wie eine Katze, die Klavier spielt.	funny was-für-ein-vergleich	Scott Westerfeld
81832a3	"No one's stopping you," said Jess. "But you've got to make it more interesting. That's why why we drift off and talk about biscuits."	funny humour	Nick Hornby
e23b684	Dessert was an over baked chocolate chip cookies the size of a hockey puck and just about as tasty.	dessert food funny humour joke	Carl Hiaasen
c397147	"You nearly killed him-" "You do dwell on details" --	funny	Patricia A. McKillip
f2f1b19	"Then Beverley Brook stepped onto the footplate and pointed a shotgun straight at the Queen's head - I recognised the Purdey from my trunk. It was nice to see it getting an airing. Beverley herself was wearing an oversized leather jerkin and jeans. Her dreads had been tied into a plait down her back and a pair of antique leather and brass goggles were pushed up onto her brow.	foxglove-summer funny peter-grant	Aaronovitch Ben
32940b6	"He gave a good yell, for Baba Yaga at her best caused strong windows to crack and fall out of their frames." From "Baba Yaga and the Sorcerer's son"	funny	Patricia A. McKillip
69d2f27	Peyton, I'm not married and you're not a lesbian. Think of the possibilities.	funny humour romance	Robyn Carr
43bb6ae	Once I stand and watch helplessly while some rug rat pulls everything he can reach off the racks, and the thought that abortion is wasted on the unborn must show on my face, because his mother finally tells him to stop.	funny kids nickel-and-dimed	Barbara Ehrenreich
defd5ec	"So who else did you convince?" "Well, I got Joe to potty train himself, and then I convinced Anna to leave the kids at home and go with me on a vacation to Jamaica."	boldness dreams funny life	Kim Stanley Robinson
75549b0	No matter where he went in the City, there was an odoriferous mix of food and vehicles, like the alchemic concoctions of some mad gourmet mechanic: Kung Pao Saab Turbo, Buick Skylark Carbonara, Sweet-and-Sour Metro Bus, Honda Bolognese with Burning Clutch Sauce.	food funny	Christopher Moore
1409e3e	"['L]ook, of course I know you and your family have "beliefs",' began Howard uneasily, as if 'beliefs' were a kind of condition, like oral herpes."	funny values	Zadie Smith
f891871	It was not as natural as it appeared. It was more like milking a cow, easy as long as someone else was doing it.	funny inspiration judgments just-do-it random	Ann Patchett
c8c479a	It seemed that it was not only live magicians which Mr. Norrell despised. He had taken the measure of all the dead ones too and found them wanting.	funny magic magicians	Susanna Clarke
3e7eef6	Comment, Mademoiselle? Vous appelles cela betrugen? Corriger la fortune, l'enchainer sous ses doits, etre sur de son fait, das nenn die Deutsch betrugen? betrugen! O, was ist die deutsch Sprak fur ein arm Sprak! fur ein plump Sprak!	funny german humorous	Gotthold Ephraim Lessing
6d30868	"The only fault he found with her was that she did not sing at her work. "Folks should always sing at their work," he insisted. "Sounds cheerful-like." "Not always," retorted Valancy. "Fancy a butcher singing at his work. Or an undertaker."	contradiction funny singing	L.M. Montgomery
0c0dca4	When she looked at him with those dark eyes, Nassar felt the urge to say something intelligent and deeply impressive. Unfortunately, nothing of the kind came to mind.	funny humor romance	Ilona Andrews
2acdf0b	There are just people going about what they always do. Talking. Parking crooked.	funny human-nature humor location-3548 parking people	Markus Zusak
b4c61e0	An old man with overalls walked by; I don't think old people should wear overalls; it makes them look like shrivelly toddlers.	fashion fashion-humor funny	Aimee Bender
ed73317	You're drunk as four skunks, you idiot.	funny	Sherwood Smith
982957a	He felt about as useless as a one-legged man in a butt-kicking contest	funny	Karin Slaughter
951fdfe	Drainage tubes ran out of his belly and side, and there was a catheter the size of a pencil coming out his penis. Nothing particularly hurt, so he had to assume he was on pretty nearly all the narcotics there were.	dark-humor drugs funny scifi-adventure	James S.A. Corey
c22034c	I sure wasn't going to ask Aunt Sally, because if she told me once that getting your period was like a moth becoming a butterfly, she'd probably say that sexual intercourse was like a deer getting antlers or something.	antlers butterfly changes deer deer-getting-antlers funny girl humerous moth period puberty questioning sex sexual-intercourse teen teen-girl	Phyllis Reynolds Naylor
b37efb6	Rock and roll, big band, the blues. He loved them all. He would close his eyes and with a blissful smile begin to move to his own sense of rhythm. It wasn't always pretty.	funny humor humour music rhythm	Mitch Albom
19d1265	Weightlessness is like heroin, or how I imagine heroin must be. You try it once, and when it's over, all you can think about is how much you want to do it again. But apparently the thrill wears off.	funny humor mary-roach sci-fi science space	Mary Roach

d9acae6

"Okay, you gotta be nice to him, " I say, coaxing the white fur-ball into my hands. "I will," Nate says, and I smile over my shoulder. "I was actually talking to Mr. Pippi. He's a bit of a butthole."

funny

Cassie Mae

36282ff

"And what if the other kids laugh at me?" Kerry complained to her parents as she nibbled on a piece of toast that morning. "I have a Cape Breton accent! They'll know I'm from Canada and they'll start asking me if I lived in an igloo or ate maple syrup, bacon and seal meat every day!" "You're really overreacting," Susan chuckled, sipping on a glass of orange juice. "Canada is a lot like the States and the only thing separating both countries is an imaginary boarder! If anyone laughs at you, tell them it doesn't snow year-round, you got free health care while you were there and that you never rode a polar bear to school. Besides, do you know how many popular movies and TV shows from the States were filmed in Canada?" "It's not just the Canada stuff mom," Kerry sighed worriedly. "I'm from Dym, it's an industrial dump!" "Yeah, and have you looked at Pittsburgh lately?" Susan asked. "Full of coal mines and steel mills, just like Sydney was when we lived there! I actually rather came to like the pollution, I don't think I'd ever want to leave it."

canada cape-breton funny girl joke morning nostalgia nova-scotia parents pittsburgh polar-bear school seal stereotype teen teenager united-states weird wisdom

Rebecca McNutt

4b1465b

"Bernie cursed and swore like a sailor sometimes, even around young children, to the point where he was kicked out of Disney World during a trip to Orlando, Florida one year. To boot, he'd jabbed a sewing needle into the helium Mickey Mouse balloons of at least twenty kids before a park worker dressed as Cinderella finally called security. "Disney's a greedy, bloodsucking corporation," was Bernie's half-assed excuse. Tony wasn't sure that even Bernie himself knew why he had an attitude like that."

cinderella corporation disney excuse funny kids needle swear weird

Rebecca McNutt

8235210

"I think we ought to find something else to do," said Mandy. "But Alecto my love, you're the first person to notice my retro diner kitchen. When my parents saw it, they thought I was creating a weird art project." "I like it. It's got that let's-drown-ourselves-in-better-days type ambiance," Alecto declared, his gray eyes narrowed."

ambience art better-days cape-breton diner drowning fifties friendship funny kitchen love nostalgia nova-scotia parents pollution retro

Rebecca McNutt

f07621c

Why would any writer in her right mind ever consider making a movie instead? That's like going from being a monk or a nun to serving as a camp counselor for hundreds of problem children.

funny

Amy Tan

560fa25

Okay. Oh-kay. Re-cap. He just had a man come in his mouth. He liked it. He may be embarking on anal sex, soon, if he was reading the subtext right. Options: stay or leave. Pros of staying: first experience with anal sex. Cons of staying: first experience with anal sex. No, no. That isn't right. Pros of staying: first experience with anal sex. Cons of staying: not being able to face Pete the next day. Maybe ever. The thing about sex, though, as Ryan is discovering, is that it's a goddamn persuasive motivator. It fucks with people's minds.

funny m-m

Dominique Frost

d8a4f95

"A very ladylike bosom," she said, approvingly. "There's nothing there," I complained. The clerk grinned. "I have been fitting bras for twenty-five years and no one ever thinks her breasts are good enough," she said. "You'll save yourself a

funny

Marta Acosta

8017097

So I went to bed, full, happy, and caring nothing for all the hurt of all the englished Welshmen that ever festered upon a proud land

english funny hiraeth wales welsh

Richard Llewellyn

8faed6f

"I know you haven't burned down any buildings in a while," she said, "but if you start feeling the need..."

fire funny wizard

Jim Butcher

9d01ef4

Tropical trees had been planted throughout the room, along with bright flowering plants that were busy committing the olfactory floral equivalent of aggravated assault.

flowers funny smell

Jim Butcher

1ec9d2d

There is no spoon.

funny illusion matrix wizard

Jim Butcher

f44d1e7

The lawyer was a short, ugly, little man. He stood about three feet taller than his desk's two foot eight inch frame and he had dark eyes. Lois couldn't tell if they were black or an extremely dark brown. His hair was dirty blonde and very messy. He looked as if he had just crawled out of bed. His white button up shirt was tucked in on only one side and the other side hung out freely. He wore a pair of tan khakis and a pair of black loafers. His skin almost matched the khakis which was extremely creepy and Lois kept thinking the man wasn't wearing pants.

crawl creepy frumpy funny khakis lawyer lazy loafers pants sleazy unprofessional

Rebecca McNutt

b724084

What the hell kind of Hell was this supposed to be?

funny ghost hell

Jim Butcher

263d817

"That woman," Grimm said quietly, "drives me quite insane." Kettle grunted. "Why'd you marry her, then?"

funny love marriage

Jim Butcher

5a88290

"Yen Sid surveyed the young villains in front of him. ,,What you are about to do is very dangerous." Carlos perked up. ,,That's fine, my middle name is-" ,,Oscar" said Evie. ,,We know."

descendants funny

Melissa de la Cruz

442eb95

He had the whitest teeth I'd ever seen, which made me think his kisses would taste like Pep O Mint Life Savers. Joe's kisses probably tasted like pot and Funyuns. And failure.

funny kiss love

Tracey Garvis Graves

0d842b8

With the long hours of daylight in the Alaska summers, the gardens served up a cornucopia of amazing and extra-large produce.

clean funny romance sweet

Debbie Macomber

e484835

Jary, Garge, Elane and Daved Pady emerge from the Lamborgini Veneno like sad clown's from the SICKEST clown car ever.

funny humor

Seinfeld 2000

c0e0f52

Be twice as funny as you are outrageous, because no one can resist the truth wrapped in a good joke.

funny honesty truth

Milo Yiannopoulos

5bc72c0

"The waitress walk away. Everyone look's at each other and then laugh. The laugh it feel so cathartic. It break the ice and sudenly the mood feel like old times. They may not have money now to aford food, but they still have each other. And forget what Maslow's "heirarchey of needs" say: some time's freindship is more important than nutrient's."

funny

Seinfeld 2000

c2d91d5

"Who said that?" asked Sir Grummore.

funny sword talkative

T.H. White

f4a1e6f

Algebra-Readpages 7-14. Do the odd numbered problems. From what I've seen, they're all pretty odd.

funny

David Lubar

3a8ebea

Algebra-Read pages 7-14. Do the odd numbered problems. From what I've seen, they're all pretty odd.

funny

David Lubar

c4f4ea9

"In sum," Midlife said, giving the room his best you-the-jury baritone, "Our defense will be...?" He looked to Matt for the answer/ "Blame the other guy," Matt said. "Which other guy?" "Yes." "Huh?" "We blame whoever we can," Matt said. "The CFO, the COO, the C Choose-Your-Favorite-Two-Letter-Combination, the accounting firm, the banks, the board, the lower-level employees. We claim some of them are crooks. We claim some of them made honest mistakes that steamrolled."

funny law

Harlan Coben

3af2c00

Mortimer Lindquist seemed to have finally given in to the inevitable. I'd seen him with a bad toupee, and with an even worse comb-over, but this was the first time I'd seen him sporting a full-on Charles Xavier.

funny hair x-men

Jim Butcher

d2a7afd

Maximus coughed a while longer, but in the middle of the night towards the end of the week, they were all woken by a terrible squealing, distant shrieks of terror and fire; in a panic they burst out from the tents to discover Maximus attempting guiltily to sneak unnoticed back into the parade grounds, with as much success as was to be expected in this endeavor, and carrying in his already-bloodied jaws a spare ox. This he hurriedly swallowed down almost entire, on finding himself observed, and then pretended not to know what they were talking about, insisting he had only got up to stretch his legs and settle himself more comfortably.

funny humor maximus sneaking

Naomi Novik

c75324d

Considering what a hot, wed dog smells like, dog stew has a surprisingly savory odor To tell the truth, it tastes pretty good, like oxtail. To be perfectly honest, it's delicious. (Anything about this to my golden retriever, and I'll punch your lights out.)

funny

P.J. O'Rourke

59bd752

...for if she had two characteristics in her natural state of health, they were a facility of eating and sleeping. If she could neither eat nor sleep, she must be indeed out of spirits and out of Health.

eat funny health sleep

Elizabeth Gaskell

b115a8f

This was another skill women were meant to learn: when a man's story had come to an end. Mostly, it wasn't a problem, as the end was thumpingly obvious; or else the narrator started snorting with laughter in advance, which was always a pretty good clue. Martha had long ago decided only to laugh at things she found funny. It seemed a normal sort of rule; but most men found it rebuking.

funny men women

Julian Barnes

829f1b7

... where there's one there's ten.' That's crazy math.

funny maths

Emma Donoghue

b2558b5

I stared at MacFinn for a long moment. I believed that he was telling me the truth. That he didn't have much control, if any, over his actions when he transformed. Though it occurred to me that if he wanted someone dead, he could probably point his monster-self in the right direction before he lost control. Note to self: Do not cut MacFinn off in traffic.

funny

Jim Butcher

da32e30

Remember, good things come to those who wait.

clean funny romance sweet

Debbie Macomber

f173772

[I don't get it. You guys look down on chimps for flinging their own poo but you think it's fine to fling other kinds of poo around? I mean, you get opposable thumbs and this is what you do with them?]

funny monkeys oberon

Kevin Hearne

ae54105

My bare foot sounded like a sad trout flapping against the marble floor.

funny trout

Kevin Hearne

5ce2628

Wahrend Alek zuschaute, begriff er, wie primitiv er das Gerat benutzt hatte, so wie eine Katze, die Klavier spielt.

funny was-für-ein-vergleich

Scott Westerfeld

81832a3

"No one's stopping you," said Jess. "But you've got to make it more interesting. That's why why we drift off and talk about biscuits."

funny humour

Nick Hornby

e23b684

Dessert was an over baked chocolate chip cookies the size of a hockey puck and just about as tasty.

dessert food funny humour joke

Carl Hiaasen

c397147

"You nearly killed him-" "You do dwell on details" --

funny

Patricia A. McKillip

f2f1b19

"Then Beverley Brook stepped onto the footplate and pointed a shotgun straight at the Queen's head - I recognised the Purdey from my trunk. It was nice to see it getting an airing. Beverley herself was wearing an oversized leather jerkin and jeans. Her dreads had been tied into a plait down her back and a pair of antique leather and brass goggles were pushed up onto her brow.

foxglove-summer funny peter-grant

Aaronovitch Ben

32940b6

"He gave a good yell, for Baba Yaga at her best caused strong windows to crack and fall out of their frames." From "Baba Yaga and the Sorcerer's son"

funny

Patricia A. McKillip

69d2f27

Peyton, I'm not married and you're not a lesbian. Think of the possibilities.

funny humour romance

Robyn Carr

43bb6ae

Once I stand and watch helplessly while some rug rat pulls everything he can reach off the racks, and the thought that abortion is wasted on the unborn must show on my face, because his mother finally tells him to stop.

funny kids nickel-and-dimed

Barbara Ehrenreich

defd5ec

"So who else did you convince?" "Well, I got Joe to potty train himself, and then I convinced Anna to leave the kids at home and go with me on a vacation to Jamaica."

boldness dreams funny life

Kim Stanley Robinson

75549b0

No matter where he went in the City, there was an odoriferous mix of food and vehicles, like the alchemic concoctions of some mad gourmet mechanic: Kung Pao Saab Turbo, Buick Skylark Carbonara, Sweet-and-Sour Metro Bus, Honda Bolognese with Burning Clutch Sauce.

food funny

Christopher Moore

1409e3e

"['L]ook, of course I know you and your family have "beliefs",' began Howard uneasily, as if 'beliefs' were a kind of condition, like oral herpes."

funny values

Zadie Smith

f891871

It was not as natural as it appeared. It was more like milking a cow, easy as long as someone else was doing it.

funny inspiration judgments just-do-it random

Ann Patchett

c8c479a

It seemed that it was not only live magicians which Mr. Norrell despised. He had taken the measure of all the dead ones too and found them wanting.

funny magic magicians

Susanna Clarke

3e7eef6

Comment, Mademoiselle? Vous appelles cela betrugen? Corriger la fortune, l'enchainer sous ses doits, etre sur de son fait, das nenn die Deutsch betrugen? betrugen! O, was ist die deutsch Sprak fur ein arm Sprak! fur ein plump Sprak!

funny german humorous

Gotthold Ephraim Lessing

6d30868

"The only fault he found with her was that she did not sing at her work. "Folks should always sing at their work," he insisted. "Sounds cheerful-like." "Not always," retorted Valancy. "Fancy a butcher singing at his work. Or an undertaker."

contradiction funny singing

L.M. Montgomery

0c0dca4

When she looked at him with those dark eyes, Nassar felt the urge to say something intelligent and deeply impressive. Unfortunately, nothing of the kind came to mind.

funny humor romance

Ilona Andrews

2acdf0b

There are just people going about what they always do. Talking. Parking crooked.

funny human-nature humor location-3548 parking people

Markus Zusak

b4c61e0

An old man with overalls walked by; I don't think old people should wear overalls; it makes them look like shrivelly toddlers.

fashion fashion-humor funny

Aimee Bender

ed73317

You're drunk as four skunks, you idiot.

funny

Sherwood Smith

982957a

He felt about as useless as a one-legged man in a butt-kicking contest

funny

Karin Slaughter

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Drainage tubes ran out of his belly and side, and there was a catheter the size of a pencil coming out his penis. Nothing particularly hurt, so he had to assume he was on pretty nearly all the narcotics there were.

dark-humor drugs funny scifi-adventure

James S.A. Corey

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I sure wasn't going to ask Aunt Sally, because if she told me once that getting your period was like a moth becoming a butterfly, she'd probably say that sexual intercourse was like a deer getting antlers or something.

antlers butterfly changes deer deer-getting-antlers funny girl humerous moth period puberty questioning sex sexual-intercourse teen teen-girl

Phyllis Reynolds Naylor

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Rock and roll, big band, the blues. He loved them all. He would close his eyes and with a blissful smile begin to move to his own sense of rhythm. It wasn't always pretty.

funny humor humour music rhythm

Mitch Albom

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Weightlessness is like heroin, or how I imagine heroin must be. You try it once, and when it's over, all you can think about is how much you want to do it again. But apparently the thrill wears off.

funny humor mary-roach sci-fi science space

Mary Roach