funny

Link	Quote	Tags	Author
09dc99d	"I know what you're thinking," said Root. "Why am I picking on you every day? Why don't I ever bawl out those other layabouts?" Holly said nothing, but agreement was written all over the face. "I'll tell you why, shall I? Holly risked a nod. "It's because you're a girl." Holly felt her fingers curl into fists. She knew it!"	funny	Eoin Colfer
5628271	Naturally, we lunatics are the kindest of the bunch.	funny kind lunatics nice	Eoin Colfer
caafafc	Artemis hooked the speaker over one ear, adjusting the mike stem so it wound across his mouth. 'Foaly? Are you listening?' 'Are you kidding?' came the reply. 'This is better than human soap operas.	funny soap-operas	Eoin Colfer
f44d1e7	The lawyer was a short, ugly, little man. He stood about three feet taller than his desk's two foot eight inch frame and he had dark eyes. Lois couldn't tell if they were black or an extremely dark brown. His hair was dirty blonde and very messy. He looked as if he had just crawled out of bed. His white button up shirt was tucked in on only one side and the other side hung out freely. He wore a pair of tan khakis and a pair of black loafers. His skin almost matched the khakis which was extremely creepy and Lois kept thinking the man wasn't wearing pants.	crawl creepy frumpy funny khakis lawyer lazy loafers pants sleazy unprofessional	Rebecca McNutt
8017097	So I went to bed, full, happy, and caring nothing for all the hurt of all the englished Welshmen that ever festered upon a proud land	english funny hiraeth wales welsh	Richard Llewellyn
0a5f656	he dragged her like a string of cans behind the wedding car	funny visual-writing	Eoin Colfer
606c6ef	The thing about a diversion is that it has to be diverting.	diversion funny humour	Eoin Colfer
5a88290	"Yen Sid surveyed the young villains in front of him. ,,What you are about to do is very dangerous." Carlos perked up. ,,That's fine, my middle name is-" ,,Oscar" said Evie. ,,We know."	descendants funny	Melissa de la Cruz
df94972	"As it 'appens, I am Arthur's right-hand man," said Suzy. "Or left-hand girl, I can't remember where I stood last time. Anyhow, me and Arthur is like two fingers of a gauntlet. Or at least the thumb and the little finger. I mean, I'm his top General, and all. So if I say you're in, you're in."	clever epic funny humor humour make-me-laugh silly witty	Garth Nix
36282ff	"And what if the other kids laugh at me?" Kerry complained to her parents as she nibbled on a piece of toast that morning. "I have a Cape Breton accent! They'll know I'm from Canada and they'll start asking me if I lived in an igloo or ate maple syrup, bacon and seal meat every day!" "You're really overreacting," Susan chuckled, sipping on a glass of orange juice. "Canada is a lot like the States and the only thing separating both countries is an imaginary boarder! If anyone laughs at you, tell them it doesn't snow year-round, you got free health care while you were there and that you never rode a polar bear to school. Besides, do you know how many popular movies and TV shows from the States were filmed in Canada?" "It's not just the Canada stuff mom," Kerry sighed worriedly. "I'm from Dym, it's an industrial dump!" "Yeah, and have you looked at Pittsburgh lately?" Susan asked. "Full of coal mines and steel mills, just like Sydney was when we lived there! I actually rather came to like the pollution, I don't think I'd ever want to leave it."	canada cape-breton funny girl joke morning nostalgia nova-scotia parents pittsburgh polar-bear school seal stereotype teen teenager united-states weird wisdom	Rebecca McNutt
0594adb	"Shergahn and friend lay like poleaxed steers, and the Daranfelian's greasy hair was thick with potatoes, carrots, gravy, and chunks of beef. His companion had less stew in his hair, but an equally large lump was rising fast, and Brandark flipped his improvised club into the air, caught it in proper dipping position, and filled it once more from the pot without even glancing at them. He raised the ladle to his nose, inhaled deeply, and glanced at the cook with an impudent twitch of his ears. "Smells delicious," he said while the laughter started up all around the fire. "I imagine a bellyful of this should help a hungry man sleep. Why, just look what a single ladle of it did for Shergahn!"	bully defeat delicious food funny good humor humorous laughter lump shame sleep steer stew triumph yummy	David Weber
adb4623	"Kendrick walked over to her purposefully, hauled her up into his arms and gave her a mock frown. "I hunger, wench." Genevieve put her arms around his neck. "Well? What are you going to hunt us for dinner?" "I'll slay a few steaks from the freezer." "You're so brave."	funny genevieve kendrick stardust-of-yesterday	Lynn Kurland
d9acae6	"Okay, you gotta be nice to him, " I say, coaxing the white fur-ball into my hands. "I will," Nate says, and I smile over my shoulder. "I was actually talking to Mr. Pippi. He's a bit of a butthole."	funny	Cassie Mae
17215e3	You watch pro ball and those guys spend so much time with their hands on each other's rear ends, you'd think they were feeling for diamonds or something.	football funny humor	Catherine Gilbert Murdock
240f1db	The British were unhinged by the colonists' unorthodox fighting style and shocking failure to abide by gentlemanly rules of engagement. One scandalized British soldier complained that the American riflemen 'conceal themselves behind trees etc. till an opportunity presents itself of taking a shot at our advance sentries, which done, they immediately retreat. What an unfair method of carrying on a war!	funny humor revolutionary-war war	Ron Chernow
3af2c00	Mortimer Lindquist seemed to have finally given in to the inevitable. I'd seen him with a bad toupee, and with an even worse comb-over, but this was the first time I'd seen him sporting a full-on Charles Xavier.	funny hair x-men	Jim Butcher
8faed6f	"I know you haven't burned down any buildings in a while," she said, "but if you start feeling the need..."	fire funny wizard	Jim Butcher
9d01ef4	Tropical trees had been planted throughout the room, along with bright flowering plants that were busy committing the olfactory floral equivalent of aggravated assault.	flowers funny smell	Jim Butcher
88d612f	Malory! You've got a chipmunk on your pussy!	funny humor humorous	Tamara Thorne
f4a1e6f	Algebra-Readpages 7-14. Do the odd numbered problems. From what I've seen, they're all pretty odd.	funny	David Lubar
0d842b8	With the long hours of daylight in the Alaska summers, the gardens served up a cornucopia of amazing and extra-large produce.	clean funny romance sweet	Debbie Macomber
3a8ebea	Algebra-Read pages 7-14. Do the odd numbered problems. From what I've seen, they're all pretty odd.	funny	David Lubar
c2d91d5	"Who said that?" asked Sir Grummore.	funny sword talkative	T.H. White
c0e0f52	Be twice as funny as you are outrageous, because no one can resist the truth wrapped in a good joke.	funny honesty truth	Milo Yiannopoulos
c4f4ea9	"In sum," Midlife said, giving the room his best you-the-jury baritone, "Our defense will be...?" He looked to Matt for the answer/ "Blame the other guy," Matt said. "Which other guy?" "Yes." "Huh?" "We blame whoever we can," Matt said. "The CFO, the COO, the C Choose-Your-Favorite-Two-Letter-Combination, the accounting firm, the banks, the board, the lower-level employees. We claim some of them are crooks. We claim some of them made honest mistakes that steamrolled."	funny law	Harlan Coben
da32e30	Remember, good things come to those who wait.	clean funny romance sweet	Debbie Macomber
c75324d	Considering what a hot, wed dog smells like, dog stew has a surprisingly savory odor To tell the truth, it tastes pretty good, like oxtail. To be perfectly honest, it's delicious. (Anything about this to my golden retriever, and I'll punch your lights out.)	funny	P.J. O'Rourke
d2a7afd	Maximus coughed a while longer, but in the middle of the night towards the end of the week, they were all woken by a terrible squealing, distant shrieks of terror and fire; in a panic they burst out from the tents to discover Maximus attempting guiltily to sneak unnoticed back into the parade grounds, with as much success as was to be expected in this endeavor, and carrying in his already-bloodied jaws a spare ox. This he hurriedly swallowed down almost entire, on finding himself observed, and then pretended not to know what they were talking about, insisting he had only got up to stretch his legs and settle himself more comfortably.	funny humor maximus sneaking	Naomi Novik
b2558b5	I stared at MacFinn for a long moment. I believed that he was telling me the truth. That he didn't have much control, if any, over his actions when he transformed. Though it occurred to me that if he wanted someone dead, he could probably point his monster-self in the right direction before he lost control. Note to self: Do not cut MacFinn off in traffic.	funny	Jim Butcher
c22034c	I sure wasn't going to ask Aunt Sally, because if she told me once that getting your period was like a moth becoming a butterfly, she'd probably say that sexual intercourse was like a deer getting antlers or something.	antlers butterfly changes deer deer-getting-antlers funny girl humerous moth period puberty questioning sex sexual-intercourse teen teen-girl	Phyllis Reynolds Naylor
81832a3	"No one's stopping you," said Jess. "But you've got to make it more interesting. That's why why we drift off and talk about biscuits."	funny humour	Nick Hornby
75549b0	No matter where he went in the City, there was an odoriferous mix of food and vehicles, like the alchemic concoctions of some mad gourmet mechanic: Kung Pao Saab Turbo, Buick Skylark Carbonara, Sweet-and-Sour Metro Bus, Honda Bolognese with Burning Clutch Sauce.	food funny	Christopher Moore
6d30868	"The only fault he found with her was that she did not sing at her work. "Folks should always sing at their work," he insisted. "Sounds cheerful-like." "Not always," retorted Valancy. "Fancy a butcher singing at his work. Or an undertaker."	contradiction funny singing	L.M. Montgomery
982957a	He felt about as useless as a one-legged man in a butt-kicking contest	funny	Karin Slaughter
3e7eef6	Comment, Mademoiselle? Vous appelles cela betrugen? Corriger la fortune, l'enchainer sous ses doits, etre sur de son fait, das nenn die Deutsch betrugen? betrugen! O, was ist die deutsch Sprak fur ein arm Sprak! fur ein plump Sprak!	funny german humorous	Gotthold Ephraim Lessing
5ce2628	Wahrend Alek zuschaute, begriff er, wie primitiv er das Gerat benutzt hatte, so wie eine Katze, die Klavier spielt.	funny was-für-ein-vergleich	Scott Westerfeld
f2f1b19	"Then Beverley Brook stepped onto the footplate and pointed a shotgun straight at the Queen's head - I recognised the Purdey from my trunk. It was nice to see it getting an airing. Beverley herself was wearing an oversized leather jerkin and jeans. Her dreads had been tied into a plait down her back and a pair of antique leather and brass goggles were pushed up onto her brow.	foxglove-summer funny peter-grant	Aaronovitch Ben
43bb6ae	Once I stand and watch helplessly while some rug rat pulls everything he can reach off the racks, and the thought that abortion is wasted on the unborn must show on my face, because his mother finally tells him to stop.	funny kids nickel-and-dimed	Barbara Ehrenreich
f891871	It was not as natural as it appeared. It was more like milking a cow, easy as long as someone else was doing it.	funny inspiration judgments just-do-it random	Ann Patchett
951fdfe	Drainage tubes ran out of his belly and side, and there was a catheter the size of a pencil coming out his penis. Nothing particularly hurt, so he had to assume he was on pretty nearly all the narcotics there were.	dark-humor drugs funny scifi-adventure	James S.A. Corey
19d1265	Weightlessness is like heroin, or how I imagine heroin must be. You try it once, and when it's over, all you can think about is how much you want to do it again. But apparently the thrill wears off.	funny humor mary-roach sci-fi science space	Mary Roach
1409e3e	"['L]ook, of course I know you and your family have "beliefs",' began Howard uneasily, as if 'beliefs' were a kind of condition, like oral herpes."	funny values	Zadie Smith
e23b684	Dessert was an over baked chocolate chip cookies the size of a hockey puck and just about as tasty.	dessert food funny humour joke	Carl Hiaasen
2acdf0b	There are just people going about what they always do. Talking. Parking crooked.	funny human-nature humor location-3548 parking people	Markus Zusak
0c0dca4	When she looked at him with those dark eyes, Nassar felt the urge to say something intelligent and deeply impressive. Unfortunately, nothing of the kind came to mind.	funny humor romance	Ilona Andrews
b37efb6	Rock and roll, big band, the blues. He loved them all. He would close his eyes and with a blissful smile begin to move to his own sense of rhythm. It wasn't always pretty.	funny humor humour music rhythm	Mitch Albom
b4c61e0	An old man with overalls walked by; I don't think old people should wear overalls; it makes them look like shrivelly toddlers.	fashion fashion-humor funny	Aimee Bender
c397147	"You nearly killed him-" "You do dwell on details" --	funny	Patricia A. McKillip
32940b6	"He gave a good yell, for Baba Yaga at her best caused strong windows to crack and fall out of their frames." From "Baba Yaga and the Sorcerer's son"	funny	Patricia A. McKillip
ae54105	My bare foot sounded like a sad trout flapping against the marble floor.	funny trout	Kevin Hearne
f173772	[I don't get it. You guys look down on chimps for flinging their own poo but you think it's fine to fling other kinds of poo around? I mean, you get opposable thumbs and this is what you do with them?]	funny monkeys oberon	Kevin Hearne
829f1b7	... where there's one there's ten.' That's crazy math.	funny maths	Emma Donoghue
59bd752	...for if she had two characteristics in her natural state of health, they were a facility of eating and sleeping. If she could neither eat nor sleep, she must be indeed out of spirits and out of Health.	eat funny health sleep	Elizabeth Gaskell
ed73317	You're drunk as four skunks, you idiot.	funny	Sherwood Smith
c8c479a	It seemed that it was not only live magicians which Mr. Norrell despised. He had taken the measure of all the dead ones too and found them wanting.	funny magic magicians	Susanna Clarke
b115a8f	This was another skill women were meant to learn: when a man's story had come to an end. Mostly, it wasn't a problem, as the end was thumpingly obvious; or else the narrator started snorting with laughter in advance, which was always a pretty good clue. Martha had long ago decided only to laugh at things she found funny. It seemed a normal sort of rule; but most men found it rebuking.	funny men women	Julian Barnes
69d2f27	Peyton, I'm not married and you're not a lesbian. Think of the possibilities.	funny humour romance	Robyn Carr
defd5ec	"So who else did you convince?" "Well, I got Joe to potty train himself, and then I convinced Anna to leave the kids at home and go with me on a vacation to Jamaica."	boldness dreams funny life	Kim Stanley Robinson

09dc99d

"I know what you're thinking," said Root. "Why am I picking on you every day? Why don't I ever bawl out those other layabouts?" Holly said nothing, but agreement was written all over the face. "I'll tell you why, shall I? Holly risked a nod. "It's because you're a girl." Holly felt her fingers curl into fists. She knew it!"

funny

Eoin Colfer

5628271

Naturally, we lunatics are the kindest of the bunch.

funny kind lunatics nice

Eoin Colfer

caafafc

Artemis hooked the speaker over one ear, adjusting the mike stem so it wound across his mouth. 'Foaly? Are you listening?' 'Are you kidding?' came the reply. 'This is better than human soap operas.

funny soap-operas

Eoin Colfer

f44d1e7

The lawyer was a short, ugly, little man. He stood about three feet taller than his desk's two foot eight inch frame and he had dark eyes. Lois couldn't tell if they were black or an extremely dark brown. His hair was dirty blonde and very messy. He looked as if he had just crawled out of bed. His white button up shirt was tucked in on only one side and the other side hung out freely. He wore a pair of tan khakis and a pair of black loafers. His skin almost matched the khakis which was extremely creepy and Lois kept thinking the man wasn't wearing pants.

crawl creepy frumpy funny khakis lawyer lazy loafers pants sleazy unprofessional

Rebecca McNutt

8017097

So I went to bed, full, happy, and caring nothing for all the hurt of all the englished Welshmen that ever festered upon a proud land

english funny hiraeth wales welsh

Richard Llewellyn

0a5f656

he dragged her like a string of cans behind the wedding car

funny visual-writing

Eoin Colfer

606c6ef

The thing about a diversion is that it has to be diverting.

diversion funny humour

Eoin Colfer

5a88290

"Yen Sid surveyed the young villains in front of him. ,,What you are about to do is very dangerous." Carlos perked up. ,,That's fine, my middle name is-" ,,Oscar" said Evie. ,,We know."

descendants funny

Melissa de la Cruz

df94972

"As it 'appens, I am Arthur's right-hand man," said Suzy. "Or left-hand girl, I can't remember where I stood last time. Anyhow, me and Arthur is like two fingers of a gauntlet. Or at least the thumb and the little finger. I mean, I'm his top General, and all. So if I say you're in, you're in."

clever epic funny humor humour make-me-laugh silly witty

Garth Nix

36282ff

"And what if the other kids laugh at me?" Kerry complained to her parents as she nibbled on a piece of toast that morning. "I have a Cape Breton accent! They'll know I'm from Canada and they'll start asking me if I lived in an igloo or ate maple syrup, bacon and seal meat every day!" "You're really overreacting," Susan chuckled, sipping on a glass of orange juice. "Canada is a lot like the States and the only thing separating both countries is an imaginary boarder! If anyone laughs at you, tell them it doesn't snow year-round, you got free health care while you were there and that you never rode a polar bear to school. Besides, do you know how many popular movies and TV shows from the States were filmed in Canada?" "It's not just the Canada stuff mom," Kerry sighed worriedly. "I'm from Dym, it's an industrial dump!" "Yeah, and have you looked at Pittsburgh lately?" Susan asked. "Full of coal mines and steel mills, just like Sydney was when we lived there! I actually rather came to like the pollution, I don't think I'd ever want to leave it."

canada cape-breton funny girl joke morning nostalgia nova-scotia parents pittsburgh polar-bear school seal stereotype teen teenager united-states weird wisdom

Rebecca McNutt

0594adb

"Shergahn and friend lay like poleaxed steers, and the Daranfelian's greasy hair was thick with potatoes, carrots, gravy, and chunks of beef. His companion had less stew in his hair, but an equally large lump was rising fast, and Brandark flipped his improvised club into the air, caught it in proper dipping position, and filled it once more from the pot without even glancing at them. He raised the ladle to his nose, inhaled deeply, and glanced at the cook with an impudent twitch of his ears. "Smells delicious," he said while the laughter started up all around the fire. "I imagine a bellyful of this should help a hungry man sleep. Why, just look what a single ladle of it did for Shergahn!"

bully defeat delicious food funny good humor humorous laughter lump shame sleep steer stew triumph yummy

David Weber

adb4623

"Kendrick walked over to her purposefully, hauled her up into his arms and gave her a mock frown. "I hunger, wench." Genevieve put her arms around his neck. "Well? What are you going to hunt us for dinner?" "I'll slay a few steaks from the freezer." "You're so brave."

funny genevieve kendrick stardust-of-yesterday

Lynn Kurland

d9acae6

"Okay, you gotta be nice to him, " I say, coaxing the white fur-ball into my hands. "I will," Nate says, and I smile over my shoulder. "I was actually talking to Mr. Pippi. He's a bit of a butthole."

funny

Cassie Mae

17215e3

You watch pro ball and those guys spend so much time with their hands on each other's rear ends, you'd think they were feeling for diamonds or something.

football funny humor

Catherine Gilbert Murdock

240f1db

The British were unhinged by the colonists' unorthodox fighting style and shocking failure to abide by gentlemanly rules of engagement. One scandalized British soldier complained that the American riflemen 'conceal themselves behind trees etc. till an opportunity presents itself of taking a shot at our advance sentries, which done, they immediately retreat. What an unfair method of carrying on a war!

funny humor revolutionary-war war

Ron Chernow

3af2c00

Mortimer Lindquist seemed to have finally given in to the inevitable. I'd seen him with a bad toupee, and with an even worse comb-over, but this was the first time I'd seen him sporting a full-on Charles Xavier.

funny hair x-men

Jim Butcher

8faed6f

"I know you haven't burned down any buildings in a while," she said, "but if you start feeling the need..."

fire funny wizard

Jim Butcher

9d01ef4

Tropical trees had been planted throughout the room, along with bright flowering plants that were busy committing the olfactory floral equivalent of aggravated assault.

flowers funny smell

Jim Butcher

88d612f

Malory! You've got a chipmunk on your pussy!

funny humor humorous

Tamara Thorne

f4a1e6f

Algebra-Readpages 7-14. Do the odd numbered problems. From what I've seen, they're all pretty odd.

funny

David Lubar

0d842b8

With the long hours of daylight in the Alaska summers, the gardens served up a cornucopia of amazing and extra-large produce.

clean funny romance sweet

Debbie Macomber

3a8ebea

Algebra-Read pages 7-14. Do the odd numbered problems. From what I've seen, they're all pretty odd.

funny

David Lubar

c2d91d5

"Who said that?" asked Sir Grummore.

funny sword talkative

T.H. White

c0e0f52

Be twice as funny as you are outrageous, because no one can resist the truth wrapped in a good joke.

funny honesty truth

Milo Yiannopoulos

c4f4ea9

"In sum," Midlife said, giving the room his best you-the-jury baritone, "Our defense will be...?" He looked to Matt for the answer/ "Blame the other guy," Matt said. "Which other guy?" "Yes." "Huh?" "We blame whoever we can," Matt said. "The CFO, the COO, the C Choose-Your-Favorite-Two-Letter-Combination, the accounting firm, the banks, the board, the lower-level employees. We claim some of them are crooks. We claim some of them made honest mistakes that steamrolled."

funny law

Harlan Coben

da32e30

Remember, good things come to those who wait.

clean funny romance sweet

Debbie Macomber

c75324d

Considering what a hot, wed dog smells like, dog stew has a surprisingly savory odor To tell the truth, it tastes pretty good, like oxtail. To be perfectly honest, it's delicious. (Anything about this to my golden retriever, and I'll punch your lights out.)

funny

P.J. O'Rourke

d2a7afd

Maximus coughed a while longer, but in the middle of the night towards the end of the week, they were all woken by a terrible squealing, distant shrieks of terror and fire; in a panic they burst out from the tents to discover Maximus attempting guiltily to sneak unnoticed back into the parade grounds, with as much success as was to be expected in this endeavor, and carrying in his already-bloodied jaws a spare ox. This he hurriedly swallowed down almost entire, on finding himself observed, and then pretended not to know what they were talking about, insisting he had only got up to stretch his legs and settle himself more comfortably.

funny humor maximus sneaking

Naomi Novik

b2558b5

I stared at MacFinn for a long moment. I believed that he was telling me the truth. That he didn't have much control, if any, over his actions when he transformed. Though it occurred to me that if he wanted someone dead, he could probably point his monster-self in the right direction before he lost control. Note to self: Do not cut MacFinn off in traffic.

funny

Jim Butcher

c22034c

I sure wasn't going to ask Aunt Sally, because if she told me once that getting your period was like a moth becoming a butterfly, she'd probably say that sexual intercourse was like a deer getting antlers or something.

antlers butterfly changes deer deer-getting-antlers funny girl humerous moth period puberty questioning sex sexual-intercourse teen teen-girl

Phyllis Reynolds Naylor

81832a3

"No one's stopping you," said Jess. "But you've got to make it more interesting. That's why why we drift off and talk about biscuits."

funny humour

Nick Hornby

75549b0

No matter where he went in the City, there was an odoriferous mix of food and vehicles, like the alchemic concoctions of some mad gourmet mechanic: Kung Pao Saab Turbo, Buick Skylark Carbonara, Sweet-and-Sour Metro Bus, Honda Bolognese with Burning Clutch Sauce.

food funny

Christopher Moore

6d30868

"The only fault he found with her was that she did not sing at her work. "Folks should always sing at their work," he insisted. "Sounds cheerful-like." "Not always," retorted Valancy. "Fancy a butcher singing at his work. Or an undertaker."

contradiction funny singing

L.M. Montgomery

982957a

He felt about as useless as a one-legged man in a butt-kicking contest

funny

Karin Slaughter

3e7eef6

Comment, Mademoiselle? Vous appelles cela betrugen? Corriger la fortune, l'enchainer sous ses doits, etre sur de son fait, das nenn die Deutsch betrugen? betrugen! O, was ist die deutsch Sprak fur ein arm Sprak! fur ein plump Sprak!

funny german humorous

Gotthold Ephraim Lessing

5ce2628

Wahrend Alek zuschaute, begriff er, wie primitiv er das Gerat benutzt hatte, so wie eine Katze, die Klavier spielt.

funny was-für-ein-vergleich

Scott Westerfeld

f2f1b19

"Then Beverley Brook stepped onto the footplate and pointed a shotgun straight at the Queen's head - I recognised the Purdey from my trunk. It was nice to see it getting an airing. Beverley herself was wearing an oversized leather jerkin and jeans. Her dreads had been tied into a plait down her back and a pair of antique leather and brass goggles were pushed up onto her brow.

foxglove-summer funny peter-grant

Aaronovitch Ben

43bb6ae

Once I stand and watch helplessly while some rug rat pulls everything he can reach off the racks, and the thought that abortion is wasted on the unborn must show on my face, because his mother finally tells him to stop.

funny kids nickel-and-dimed

Barbara Ehrenreich

f891871

It was not as natural as it appeared. It was more like milking a cow, easy as long as someone else was doing it.

funny inspiration judgments just-do-it random

Ann Patchett

951fdfe

Drainage tubes ran out of his belly and side, and there was a catheter the size of a pencil coming out his penis. Nothing particularly hurt, so he had to assume he was on pretty nearly all the narcotics there were.

dark-humor drugs funny scifi-adventure

James S.A. Corey

19d1265

Weightlessness is like heroin, or how I imagine heroin must be. You try it once, and when it's over, all you can think about is how much you want to do it again. But apparently the thrill wears off.

funny humor mary-roach sci-fi science space

Mary Roach

1409e3e

"['L]ook, of course I know you and your family have "beliefs",' began Howard uneasily, as if 'beliefs' were a kind of condition, like oral herpes."

funny values

Zadie Smith

e23b684

Dessert was an over baked chocolate chip cookies the size of a hockey puck and just about as tasty.

dessert food funny humour joke

Carl Hiaasen

2acdf0b

There are just people going about what they always do. Talking. Parking crooked.

funny human-nature humor location-3548 parking people

Markus Zusak

0c0dca4

When she looked at him with those dark eyes, Nassar felt the urge to say something intelligent and deeply impressive. Unfortunately, nothing of the kind came to mind.

funny humor romance

Ilona Andrews

b37efb6

Rock and roll, big band, the blues. He loved them all. He would close his eyes and with a blissful smile begin to move to his own sense of rhythm. It wasn't always pretty.

funny humor humour music rhythm

Mitch Albom

b4c61e0

An old man with overalls walked by; I don't think old people should wear overalls; it makes them look like shrivelly toddlers.

fashion fashion-humor funny

Aimee Bender

c397147

"You nearly killed him-" "You do dwell on details" --

funny

Patricia A. McKillip

32940b6

"He gave a good yell, for Baba Yaga at her best caused strong windows to crack and fall out of their frames." From "Baba Yaga and the Sorcerer's son"

funny

Patricia A. McKillip

ae54105

My bare foot sounded like a sad trout flapping against the marble floor.

funny trout

Kevin Hearne

f173772

[I don't get it. You guys look down on chimps for flinging their own poo but you think it's fine to fling other kinds of poo around? I mean, you get opposable thumbs and this is what you do with them?]

funny monkeys oberon

Kevin Hearne

829f1b7

... where there's one there's ten.' That's crazy math.

funny maths

Emma Donoghue

59bd752

...for if she had two characteristics in her natural state of health, they were a facility of eating and sleeping. If she could neither eat nor sleep, she must be indeed out of spirits and out of Health.

eat funny health sleep

Elizabeth Gaskell

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You're drunk as four skunks, you idiot.

funny

Sherwood Smith

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It seemed that it was not only live magicians which Mr. Norrell despised. He had taken the measure of all the dead ones too and found them wanting.

funny magic magicians

Susanna Clarke

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This was another skill women were meant to learn: when a man's story had come to an end. Mostly, it wasn't a problem, as the end was thumpingly obvious; or else the narrator started snorting with laughter in advance, which was always a pretty good clue. Martha had long ago decided only to laugh at things she found funny. It seemed a normal sort of rule; but most men found it rebuking.

funny men women

Julian Barnes

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Peyton, I'm not married and you're not a lesbian. Think of the possibilities.

funny humour romance

Robyn Carr

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"So who else did you convince?" "Well, I got Joe to potty train himself, and then I convinced Anna to leave the kids at home and go with me on a vacation to Jamaica."

boldness dreams funny life

Kim Stanley Robinson