|
d9acae6
|
"Okay, you gotta be nice to him, " I say, coaxing the white fur-ball into my hands. "I will," Nate says, and I smile over my shoulder. "I was actually talking to Mr. Pippi. He's a bit of a butthole."
|
|
funny
|
Cassie Mae |
|
36282ff
|
"And what if the other kids laugh at me?" Kerry complained to her parents as she nibbled on a piece of toast that morning. "I have a Cape Breton accent! They'll know I'm from Canada and they'll start asking me if I lived in an igloo or ate maple syrup, bacon and seal meat every day!" "You're really overreacting," Susan chuckled, sipping on a glass of orange juice. "Canada is a lot like the States and the only thing separating both countries is an imaginary boarder! If anyone laughs at you, tell them it doesn't snow year-round, you got free health care while you were there and that you never rode a polar bear to school. Besides, do you know how many popular movies and TV shows from the States were filmed in Canada?" "It's not just the Canada stuff mom," Kerry sighed worriedly. "I'm from Dym, it's an industrial dump!" "Yeah, and have you looked at Pittsburgh lately?" Susan asked. "Full of coal mines and steel mills, just like Sydney was when we lived there! I actually rather came to like the pollution, I don't think I'd ever want to leave it."
|
|
canada
cape-breton
funny
girl
joke
morning
nostalgia
nova-scotia
parents
pittsburgh
polar-bear
school
seal
stereotype
teen
teenager
united-states
weird
wisdom
|
Rebecca McNutt |
|
4b1465b
|
"Bernie cursed and swore like a sailor sometimes, even around young children, to the point where he was kicked out of Disney World during a trip to Orlando, Florida one year. To boot, he'd jabbed a sewing needle into the helium Mickey Mouse balloons of at least twenty kids before a park worker dressed as Cinderella finally called security. "Disney's a greedy, bloodsucking corporation," was Bernie's half-assed excuse. Tony wasn't sure that even Bernie himself knew why he had an attitude like that."
|
|
cinderella
corporation
disney
excuse
funny
kids
needle
swear
weird
|
Rebecca McNutt |
|
8235210
|
"I think we ought to find something else to do," said Mandy. "But Alecto my love, you're the first person to notice my retro diner kitchen. When my parents saw it, they thought I was creating a weird art project." "I like it. It's got that let's-drown-ourselves-in-better-days type ambiance," Alecto declared, his gray eyes narrowed."
|
|
ambience
art
better-days
cape-breton
diner
drowning
fifties
friendship
funny
kitchen
love
nostalgia
nova-scotia
parents
pollution
retro
|
Rebecca McNutt |
|
f07621c
|
Why would any writer in her right mind ever consider making a movie instead? That's like going from being a monk or a nun to serving as a camp counselor for hundreds of problem children.
|
|
funny
|
Amy Tan |
|
560fa25
|
Okay. Oh-kay. Re-cap. He just had a man come in his mouth. He liked it. He may be embarking on anal sex, soon, if he was reading the subtext right. Options: stay or leave. Pros of staying: first experience with anal sex. Cons of staying: first experience with anal sex. No, no. That isn't right. Pros of staying: first experience with anal sex. Cons of staying: not being able to face Pete the next day. Maybe ever. The thing about sex, though, as Ryan is discovering, is that it's a goddamn persuasive motivator. It fucks with people's minds.
|
|
funny
m-m
|
Dominique Frost |
|
d8a4f95
|
"A very ladylike bosom," she said, approvingly. "There's nothing there," I complained. The clerk grinned. "I have been fitting bras for twenty-five years and no one ever thinks her breasts are good enough," she said. "You'll save yourself a
|
|
funny
|
Marta Acosta |
|
8017097
|
So I went to bed, full, happy, and caring nothing for all the hurt of all the englished Welshmen that ever festered upon a proud land
|
|
english
funny
hiraeth
wales
welsh
|
Richard Llewellyn |
|
8faed6f
|
"I know you haven't burned down any buildings in a while," she said, "but if you start feeling the need..."
|
|
fire
funny
wizard
|
Jim Butcher |
|
9d01ef4
|
Tropical trees had been planted throughout the room, along with bright flowering plants that were busy committing the olfactory floral equivalent of aggravated assault.
|
|
flowers
funny
smell
|
Jim Butcher |
|
1ec9d2d
|
There is no spoon.
|
|
funny
illusion
matrix
wizard
|
Jim Butcher |
|
f44d1e7
|
The lawyer was a short, ugly, little man. He stood about three feet taller than his desk's two foot eight inch frame and he had dark eyes. Lois couldn't tell if they were black or an extremely dark brown. His hair was dirty blonde and very messy. He looked as if he had just crawled out of bed. His white button up shirt was tucked in on only one side and the other side hung out freely. He wore a pair of tan khakis and a pair of black loafers. His skin almost matched the khakis which was extremely creepy and Lois kept thinking the man wasn't wearing pants.
|
|
crawl
creepy
frumpy
funny
khakis
lawyer
lazy
loafers
pants
sleazy
unprofessional
|
Rebecca McNutt |
|
b724084
|
What the hell kind of Hell was this supposed to be?
|
|
funny
ghost
hell
|
Jim Butcher |
|
263d817
|
"That woman," Grimm said quietly, "drives me quite insane." Kettle grunted. "Why'd you marry her, then?"
|
|
funny
love
marriage
|
Jim Butcher |
|
5a88290
|
"Yen Sid surveyed the young villains in front of him. ,,What you are about to do is very dangerous." Carlos perked up. ,,That's fine, my middle name is-" ,,Oscar" said Evie. ,,We know."
|
|
descendants
funny
|
Melissa de la Cruz |
|
442eb95
|
He had the whitest teeth I'd ever seen, which made me think his kisses would taste like Pep O Mint Life Savers. Joe's kisses probably tasted like pot and Funyuns. And failure.
|
|
funny
kiss
love
|
Tracey Garvis Graves |
|
0d842b8
|
With the long hours of daylight in the Alaska summers, the gardens served up a cornucopia of amazing and extra-large produce.
|
|
clean
funny
romance
sweet
|
Debbie Macomber |
|
e484835
|
Jary, Garge, Elane and Daved Pady emerge from the Lamborgini Veneno like sad clown's from the SICKEST clown car ever.
|
|
funny
humor
|
Seinfeld 2000 |
|
c0e0f52
|
Be twice as funny as you are outrageous, because no one can resist the truth wrapped in a good joke.
|
|
funny
honesty
truth
|
Milo Yiannopoulos |
|
5bc72c0
|
"The waitress walk away. Everyone look's at each other and then laugh. The laugh it feel so cathartic. It break the ice and sudenly the mood feel like old times. They may not have money now to aford food, but they still have each other. And forget what Maslow's "heirarchey of needs" say: some time's freindship is more important than nutrient's."
|
|
funny
|
Seinfeld 2000 |
|
c2d91d5
|
"Who said that?" asked Sir Grummore.
|
|
funny
sword
talkative
|
T.H. White |
|
f4a1e6f
|
Algebra-Readpages 7-14. Do the odd numbered problems. From what I've seen, they're all pretty odd.
|
|
funny
|
David Lubar |
|
3a8ebea
|
Algebra-Read pages 7-14. Do the odd numbered problems. From what I've seen, they're all pretty odd.
|
|
funny
|
David Lubar |
|
c4f4ea9
|
"In sum," Midlife said, giving the room his best you-the-jury baritone, "Our defense will be...?" He looked to Matt for the answer/ "Blame the other guy," Matt said. "Which other guy?" "Yes." "Huh?" "We blame whoever we can," Matt said. "The CFO, the COO, the C Choose-Your-Favorite-Two-Letter-Combination, the accounting firm, the banks, the board, the lower-level employees. We claim some of them are crooks. We claim some of them made honest mistakes that steamrolled."
|
|
funny
law
|
Harlan Coben |
|
3af2c00
|
Mortimer Lindquist seemed to have finally given in to the inevitable. I'd seen him with a bad toupee, and with an even worse comb-over, but this was the first time I'd seen him sporting a full-on Charles Xavier.
|
|
funny
hair
x-men
|
Jim Butcher |
|
d2a7afd
|
Maximus coughed a while longer, but in the middle of the night towards the end of the week, they were all woken by a terrible squealing, distant shrieks of terror and fire; in a panic they burst out from the tents to discover Maximus attempting guiltily to sneak unnoticed back into the parade grounds, with as much success as was to be expected in this endeavor, and carrying in his already-bloodied jaws a spare ox. This he hurriedly swallowed down almost entire, on finding himself observed, and then pretended not to know what they were talking about, insisting he had only got up to stretch his legs and settle himself more comfortably.
|
|
funny
humor
maximus
sneaking
|
Naomi Novik |
|
c75324d
|
Considering what a hot, wed dog smells like, dog stew has a surprisingly savory odor To tell the truth, it tastes pretty good, like oxtail. To be perfectly honest, it's delicious. (Anything about this to my golden retriever, and I'll punch your lights out.)
|
|
funny
|
P.J. O'Rourke |
|
59bd752
|
...for if she had two characteristics in her natural state of health, they were a facility of eating and sleeping. If she could neither eat nor sleep, she must be indeed out of spirits and out of Health.
|
|
eat
funny
health
sleep
|
Elizabeth Gaskell |
|
b115a8f
|
This was another skill women were meant to learn: when a man's story had come to an end. Mostly, it wasn't a problem, as the end was thumpingly obvious; or else the narrator started snorting with laughter in advance, which was always a pretty good clue. Martha had long ago decided only to laugh at things she found funny. It seemed a normal sort of rule; but most men found it rebuking.
|
|
funny
men
women
|
Julian Barnes |
|
829f1b7
|
... where there's one there's ten.' That's crazy math.
|
|
funny
maths
|
Emma Donoghue |
|
b2558b5
|
I stared at MacFinn for a long moment. I believed that he was telling me the truth. That he didn't have much control, if any, over his actions when he transformed. Though it occurred to me that if he wanted someone dead, he could probably point his monster-self in the right direction before he lost control. Note to self: Do not cut MacFinn off in traffic.
|
|
funny
|
Jim Butcher |
|
da32e30
|
Remember, good things come to those who wait.
|
|
clean
funny
romance
sweet
|
Debbie Macomber |
|
f173772
|
[I don't get it. You guys look down on chimps for flinging their own poo but you think it's fine to fling other kinds of poo around? I mean, you get opposable thumbs and this is what you do with them?]
|
|
funny
monkeys
oberon
|
Kevin Hearne |
|
ae54105
|
My bare foot sounded like a sad trout flapping against the marble floor.
|
|
funny
trout
|
Kevin Hearne |
|
5ce2628
|
Wahrend Alek zuschaute, begriff er, wie primitiv er das Gerat benutzt hatte, so wie eine Katze, die Klavier spielt.
|
|
funny
was-für-ein-vergleich
|
Scott Westerfeld |
|
81832a3
|
"No one's stopping you," said Jess. "But you've got to make it more interesting. That's why why we drift off and talk about biscuits."
|
|
funny
humour
|
Nick Hornby |
|
e23b684
|
Dessert was an over baked chocolate chip cookies the size of a hockey puck and just about as tasty.
|
|
dessert
food
funny
humour
joke
|
Carl Hiaasen |
|
c397147
|
"You nearly killed him-" "You do dwell on details" --
|
|
funny
|
Patricia A. McKillip |
|
f2f1b19
|
"Then Beverley Brook stepped onto the footplate and pointed a shotgun straight at the Queen's head - I recognised the Purdey from my trunk. It was nice to see it getting an airing. Beverley herself was wearing an oversized leather jerkin and jeans. Her dreads had been tied into a plait down her back and a pair of antique leather and brass goggles were pushed up onto her brow.
|
|
foxglove-summer
funny
peter-grant
|
Aaronovitch Ben |
|
32940b6
|
"He gave a good yell, for Baba Yaga at her best caused strong windows to crack and fall out of their frames." From "Baba Yaga and the Sorcerer's son"
|
|
funny
|
Patricia A. McKillip |
|
69d2f27
|
Peyton, I'm not married and you're not a lesbian. Think of the possibilities.
|
|
funny
humour
romance
|
Robyn Carr |
|
43bb6ae
|
Once I stand and watch helplessly while some rug rat pulls everything he can reach off the racks, and the thought that abortion is wasted on the unborn must show on my face, because his mother finally tells him to stop.
|
|
funny
kids
nickel-and-dimed
|
Barbara Ehrenreich |
|
defd5ec
|
"So who else did you convince?" "Well, I got Joe to potty train himself, and then I convinced Anna to leave the kids at home and go with me on a vacation to Jamaica."
|
|
boldness
dreams
funny
life
|
Kim Stanley Robinson |
|
75549b0
|
No matter where he went in the City, there was an odoriferous mix of food and vehicles, like the alchemic concoctions of some mad gourmet mechanic: Kung Pao Saab Turbo, Buick Skylark Carbonara, Sweet-and-Sour Metro Bus, Honda Bolognese with Burning Clutch Sauce.
|
|
food
funny
|
Christopher Moore |
|
1409e3e
|
"['L]ook, of course I know you and your family have "beliefs",' began Howard uneasily, as if 'beliefs' were a kind of condition, like oral herpes."
|
|
funny
values
|
Zadie Smith |
|
f891871
|
It was not as natural as it appeared. It was more like milking a cow, easy as long as someone else was doing it.
|
|
funny
inspiration
judgments
just-do-it
random
|
Ann Patchett |
|
c8c479a
|
It seemed that it was not only live magicians which Mr. Norrell despised. He had taken the measure of all the dead ones too and found them wanting.
|
|
funny
magic
magicians
|
Susanna Clarke |
|
3e7eef6
|
Comment, Mademoiselle? Vous appelles cela betrugen? Corriger la fortune, l'enchainer sous ses doits, etre sur de son fait, das nenn die Deutsch betrugen? betrugen! O, was ist die deutsch Sprak fur ein arm Sprak! fur ein plump Sprak!
|
|
funny
german
humorous
|
Gotthold Ephraim Lessing |
|
6d30868
|
"The only fault he found with her was that she did not sing at her work. "Folks should always sing at their work," he insisted. "Sounds cheerful-like." "Not always," retorted Valancy. "Fancy a butcher singing at his work. Or an undertaker."
|
|
contradiction
funny
singing
|
L.M. Montgomery |
|
0c0dca4
|
When she looked at him with those dark eyes, Nassar felt the urge to say something intelligent and deeply impressive. Unfortunately, nothing of the kind came to mind.
|
|
funny
humor
romance
|
Ilona Andrews |
|
2acdf0b
|
There are just people going about what they always do. Talking. Parking crooked.
|
|
funny
human-nature
humor
location-3548
parking
people
|
Markus Zusak |
|
b4c61e0
|
An old man with overalls walked by; I don't think old people should wear overalls; it makes them look like shrivelly toddlers.
|
|
fashion
fashion-humor
funny
|
Aimee Bender |
|
ed73317
|
You're drunk as four skunks, you idiot.
|
|
funny
|
Sherwood Smith |
|
982957a
|
He felt about as useless as a one-legged man in a butt-kicking contest
|
|
funny
|
Karin Slaughter |
|
951fdfe
|
Drainage tubes ran out of his belly and side, and there was a catheter the size of a pencil coming out his penis. Nothing particularly hurt, so he had to assume he was on pretty nearly all the narcotics there were.
|
|
dark-humor
drugs
funny
scifi-adventure
|
James S.A. Corey |
|
c22034c
|
I sure wasn't going to ask Aunt Sally, because if she told me once that getting your period was like a moth becoming a butterfly, she'd probably say that sexual intercourse was like a deer getting antlers or something.
|
|
antlers
butterfly
changes
deer
deer-getting-antlers
funny
girl
humerous
moth
period
puberty
questioning
sex
sexual-intercourse
teen
teen-girl
|
Phyllis Reynolds Naylor |
|
b37efb6
|
Rock and roll, big band, the blues. He loved them all. He would close his eyes and with a blissful smile begin to move to his own sense of rhythm. It wasn't always pretty.
|
|
funny
humor
humour
music
rhythm
|
Mitch Albom |
|
19d1265
|
Weightlessness is like heroin, or how I imagine heroin must be. You try it once, and when it's over, all you can think about is how much you want to do it again. But apparently the thrill wears off.
|
|
funny
humor
mary-roach
sci-fi
science
space
|
Mary Roach |