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bacef5c
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I'm not lazy. I'm simply judicious about excess movement.
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Jen Lancaster |
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f07a597
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Owning a dog is slightly less expensive than being addicted to crack.
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Jen Lancaster |
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4be26c4
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Kiss the fattest part of my ass
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Jen Lancaster |
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f765de4
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Some people are destined to be deep thinkers. I am not one of those people.
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Jen Lancaster |
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a1b3945
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This is terrific! What fun! Maybe tomorrow I can go to the prom with my brother. The day after, perhaps I can wear white pants and unexpectedly get my period.
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Jen Lancaster |
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12fca48
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Despite my best efforts, I'm not quite perfect. Let's just say I'm like one of those Hopi blankets where they leave a tiny flaw so as to not affront the Lord.
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Jen Lancaster |
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d279297
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In other words? The bitch had it coming. And I am that bitch.
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Jen Lancaster |
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0c6644c
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I yearn to be a woman of more depth, but I'm not so fond of the path I'd need to follow to get there.
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Jen Lancaster |
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467c2d1
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I want to change my life...except I sort of like it. I mean, I couldn't be more delighted every Monday night after Fletch goes to bed when I come downstairs, pull up the Bachelor on TiVo, drink Riesling, and eat cheddar/port wine Kaukauna cheese without freakign out over fat grams. I'm perpetually in a good mood because I do everything I want. I love having the freedom to skip the gym to watch a Don Knots movie on the Disney Channel without..
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funny
weight
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Jen Lancaster |
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c73fb71
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You know what it was like? It was like thinking I was heading to a surprise party and instead it was a surprise pap smear.
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humor
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Jen Lancaster |
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2de1980
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As I examine my life through this book, I can't help but wonder if my mother was right. Maybe I really was what I ate. And maybe if she'd let me eat a little more sugar, I'd have come out sweeter.
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Jen Lancaster |
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ec3ee72
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But ever since I made the decision to drop a few pounds-way less easy than it sounds, by the way-I've become obsessed with my size and in so doing I've inadvertently allowed my inner critic to have a voice. And you know what? She's a bitch. Like now when I see my underpants in the laundry, I no longer think Soft! Cotton! Sensible! Instead I hear her say Damn, girl, these panties be huge.
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weightloss
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Jen Lancaster |
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cccd0a0
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Cost to clean deeply soiled rugs: $200. Cost to replace shiny, black, stack-heeled, pilgrim-toed boots: $185. Cost to fix every single delicious table and chair leg in the house: $490. Life with two shelter dogs: fucking priceless.
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Jen Lancaster |
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a07bc64
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For the record? I have never been her baby. In fact, I reject the notion of coming out of her body. I prefer to believe I was hatched, or perhaps purchased.
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Jen Lancaster |
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ccfd27c
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I stuff another handful of Raisinets in my mouth. What gets me is the 'pretty face' bit. 'Cause I won't mind being reminded I'm fat as long as you water it down first. Why not say, Hey I'm going to insult you, but first I will congratulate your fortunate genetics and appropriate appliclation of Bobbi Brown cosmetics to prevent you from hitting me. Sh*t; I kind of prefer being called a 'fat bitch.' At least it doesn't pull any punches.
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weight
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Jen Lancaster |
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3ba61c5
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Seriously, our nation is never going to be on the same page on issues like gun control, welfare, the economy, the environment, etc. I doubt we'll ever come to terms on tastes great or less filling and hybrids versus Hummers, and there will always be Yankees fans and Red Sox fans, and never the 'twain shall meet. Fortunately, all it takes for us to be of one mind is some buttercream frosting.
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Jen Lancaster |
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8389d4b
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When I hug her, I notice she's still wearing yesterday's false eyelashes. Mom? You know those come off with a little makeup remover and a cotton pad?" I'm not taking them off." Why not?" I spent $180 on that makeup job and I refuse to wash my face until I get my money's worth."
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Jen Lancaster |
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349891e
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Over the summer we chatted one night while Angie stripped a bed, changed wet sheets, comforted and repajamaed a toddler, and chased down a car of speeding teenagers while shaking a brick at them, never once interrupting the conversation or setting down her margarita. The only reason this woman isn't president of General Motors is because she's chosen not to be.
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Jen Lancaster |
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e86dab6
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I would rather receive a Pap smear from Captain Hook than venture out on New Year's Eve.
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Jen Lancaster |
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aeabccb
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This is a Lucent PBX with Audix voice mail, right? I used this kind at all of my old jobs, so I'm pretty familiar with them." Completely ignoring me, Pat continues to demonstrate every single one of the phone's features, half of which she describes incorrectly. I don't bother taking notes because I've used this system a thousand times. I have no need to transcribe an erroneous refresher course. "Hey, you should be writing this down." Like I..
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Jen Lancaster |
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9d0ae3c
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As I paddle along, I slowly become aware that it's been fear keeping me out of this pool for so many years. I never came here before because I was afraid I'd make a fool of myself by not having the endurance to complete a lap. The swimming wasn't what scared me; failure was. My fear locked me in a state of arrested development for so many years. Fear kept me from tackling my weight, which I understand has simply been symptomatic of my great..
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Jen Lancaster |
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485098a
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You think you're so cool just because you can walk!
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humor
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Jen Lancaster |
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b625a2c
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Really? If I could hate my trainer? That would be ideal. I'd prefer to despise this person with the fire of ten thousand suns. So when I walk - nay, crawl - out of here at the end of my workouts, I want to lull myself to sleep by picturing my very talented and inspirational trainer getting hit by a bus. A bus that I am driving.
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weight-loss
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Jen Lancaster |
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d3bd3b7
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So now I'm getting my gown made by an exclusive seamstress, and all thos anorexic whores on Michigan Avenue and Oak Street who made me feel like the Goodyear blimp can kiss the very fattest part of my ass.
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Jen Lancaster |
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c903bbd
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Point? Maybe you aren't a Carrie or a Samantha or a Charlotte or a Miranda. Maybe you're just you.
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Jen Lancaster |
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c3400c9
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Maybe I've moved to the dark side, but it's clean and nice and we never run out of toilet paper.
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Jen Lancaster |
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dc64b8a
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I've determined the ideal job for me is one where I can write clever essays about my life and my employer will give me enough money not only to live a comfortable existence, but also to buy many, many new pairs of shoes.
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writing
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Jen Lancaster |
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626a449
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Although I get a lot of specialty services like wraps, scrubs, and mustache removal, my favorite is the simple manicure/pedicure. They work on your hands and feet at the same time while you sit in a vibrating chair. I call it the sorority girls version of a threesome.
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Jen Lancaster |
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3c327cb
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No, it's not a 'corpse thing.' I feel I lack the emotional capacity to deal with those in mourning...
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Jen Lancaster |
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ec39133
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The living room is a monument to my impulsive spending habits. I've got more than two hundred DVDs, including cinematic greats such as Monkey Bone, Corkey Romano, and A Night at the Roxbury, leading me to believe not only do I have awful taste in films, but I also have a Chris Kattan fixation. What I don't have is $4000 earing intrest in a money market account.
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Jen Lancaster |
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fc5f77e
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Jen gets completely sloshed and it's her wedding) I was supposed to meet Carol and her family at the aquarium the next morning, and somehow had the presence of mind to leave a voicemail apologizing in advance for not being able to make it. I was please at myself for being so responsible and considerate. After I left the message, I blissfully headed off to bed, wearing a face full of makeup, all my grown up jewelry, and a relatively restri..
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Jen Lancaster |
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d036cbb
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When she gets rattled, the South really comes out. Once when Daddy tried to cancel our country club membership because he said the dues were too high, she went from zero to Atlanta burning in zero point five seconds.
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humor
south
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Jen Lancaster |
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695a3f6
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When did the cell phone become a license to be rude? And why must I be subjected to your personal conversations?
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Jen Lancaster |
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d9f6651
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I'm busy sorting through our new collection of rhinestone jewelry. Should anyone be in the market for sparkly accessories the size of a hubcap, this is the place to get them. Earlier today, a customer picked up one of the enormous chandelier-style offerings and asked, 'Do those be genuine rhimestones?' I couldn't even begin to explain everything that was wrong with her sentence, so I simply replied, 'Yes. They do be genuine.
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Jen Lancaster |
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5c064bb
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At a health and fitness fair) Though normally superconfident, I am not prepared for the judgmental stares of the ultrafit. They don't know me and have no idea of my prowess in the boardroom. They're unfamiliar with my shoe collection and unaware that I live in the Dot-Com Palace. And they didn't notice me pulling up in the Caddy. All they can see is how much space I occupy. With each step I take, I feel cellulite blossoming on my arms, my s..
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jen lancaster |
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7af8cbe
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Were I forced to describe this woman in one word, that word would be...herpes.
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Jen Lancaster |
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3498a43
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I never sleep on the plane. I have to be awake and using my mind power to keep it in the air
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humour
flying
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Jen Lancaster |
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e90b6a2
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Life is unfair and there are winners and losers, regardless of how much overprotective parents attempt to shield their offspring from reality.
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Jen Lancaster |
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fe31f9b
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The second prong in my revised Trinity is IKEA, the Swedish home store monolith. If you're unfamiliar, they carry every single thing you could possibly ever need to fill your home and garden at low, low prices, but in obscure Swedish sizes so those items won't coordinate with anything else you own, like, say, if you want to put a regular Target lamp shade on your IKEA lamp. Fletch thinks it's Sweden's master plan to make Americans so busy t..
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Jen Lancaster |
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3d9c8d8
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Actually, I believe there are only two kinds of women in this world: Martha people and Oprah people. That doesn't mean one can't have an affinity for both of them, but my theory is that every chick is more firmly in one camp than the other. The typical Oprah woman is all self-actualized and best-life-y and Eat, Pray, Love. The Big O seems like the kind of gal who'd insist we all spend the afternoon wearing jammy pants. And how fun would tha..
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Jen Lancaster |
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67d8f59
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Ever since I made the decision to drop a few pounds--way less easy than it sounds, by the way--I've become obsessed with my size, and in so doing I've inadvertently allowed my inner critic to have a voice. And you know what? She's a bitch. Like now when I see my underpants in the laundry, I no longer think Soft! Cotton! Sensible! Instead I hear her say Damn, girl, these panties be huge." "Your inner critic has terrible grammar." "I know, it..
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Jen Lancaster |
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2acb6a0
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I love the French and Italian church paintings from the Middle Ages. But I'm also interested to learn more about who was the first to make the leap from religious art to secular. That couldn't have been a small feat. Who was brave enough to say, " You know what? Enough of Jesus. I'mma paint me this here bowl of fruit and then I'mma paint my girlfriend... naked!"
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Jen Lancaster |
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014f7ab
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Everyday I feel more and more like a full-fledged adult. Even though it was (metaphorically) only yesterday I was sloshing in the door at four a.m. after Dollar Beer Night, I find myself with a mortgage, four types of insurance, and a non-laundry-quarter-based retirement fund.
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Jen Lancaster |
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9b07864
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I mean, six years ago my electricity's being cut off and my car's getting repossessed and I'm being evicted from my apartment, and now I'm all "Yeah, havin' dinner with Rudy in the Hamptons, what of it?"
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Jen Lancaster |