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29f4919
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I didn't want this high a profile, but at least now everyone knows I'm armed.
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Richard Kadrey |
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a2b5186
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A few grumpy horns and hoofs types and a petting zoo full of rabid Pokemons? I'm Satan. I can deal with that and play "Smoke on the Water" while getting a lap dance on a runaway train all at the same time."
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Richard Kadrey |
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64ce592
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The only sayings I can remember are old Iggy and the Stooges lyrics. See? All this pulling is bad for my health. I think I'm having an aneurysm." "Do you even know what an aneurysm is?" "A little furry thing. Like a wombat." "Right on the money," she says."
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Richard Kadrey |
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f69db7f
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Home late. Be naked.
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Richard Kadrey |
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011c758
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Ninety-nine percent of these guys are the same. They cruise along in a bubble of dude-bro privilege, then can't stand it when the world lets them know they're nothing special. Then everyone has to pay.
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Richard Kadrey |
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8708001
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I can't." I scoot forward on the chair and lean close to Carolyn. She freezes, trying to keep her eyes from meeting mine. "Or maybe you're not Hunter's friend and you gave him a hot shot. Is that what you did, Carolyn? Did someone give you a special dose of Akira just for Hunter?" Stop digging, boys, we struck oil. Carolyn's brain is still humming like a tuning fork, but at least she's focused on something now. It's there in her eyes. She's..
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Richard Kadrey |
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dc89eca
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See? That's a positive attitude. Give it a try." I shift the bundle around in my arms. "I did it once. I got a rash." Alice"
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Richard Kadrey |
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7cf0ed0
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In a conversation like this when someone says 'not yet' it makes my balls ache. You know why? Because that's where the knee is going. Because 'not yet' means I have to do something and it's going to hurt. Am I right?" "Your balls are very wise indeed," said Merihim."
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Richard Kadrey |
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bc482dc
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Is killing someone always like this?" "Just the first couple of times. After that it's like folding socks. But that's just me." She"
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Richard Kadrey |
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71a7e78
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Maybe I should have kept my rock. At least I wouldn't look quite so much like a deer caught in the headlights. No. I'd look like a deer with a rock. Forget it. We
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Richard Kadrey |
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400e17d
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he grabs his pistol when I thought this was a knife fight, and, well, it's a very upsetting moment. I
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Richard Kadrey |
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394c7b8
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Dead, lost, and with only half a pack of smokes. The dictionary definition of Hell." "Amen"
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Richard Kadrey |
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b30267e
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Were those statues there before?" Buer waves his little cuttlefish tentacles and moves his finger across the paper. "They're new. A different icon for each of the Seven Noble Virtues." He's not lying. They're all there. All the personality quirks that give Hellions a massive cultural hard-on. Cunning. Ruthlessness. Ferocity. Deception. Silence. Strength. Joy. They're represented by a collection of demonic marble figures with leathery wings ..
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Richard Kadrey |
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e93ab61
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Marchosias
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Richard Kadrey |
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d93e9dc
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I didn't sign up for any of this, but at worst I always thought being the Devil would be at least a little fun. Shooting BBs at Hitler as he tightrope walks over a lake of boiling lemon juice and broken glass. Playing Pin the Tail on the Stalin. After lunch, maybe a few rounds of Ted Bundy Whac-A-Mole.
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Richard Kadrey |
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6e3a599
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The five of us are the big brains supposedly in charge of Hell. Really, we're a bunch of second-rate mechanics trying to keep the wheels from coming off a burning gasoline truck skidding toward a school bus full of orphans and kittens.
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Richard Kadrey |
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e8fe06f
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The Council is staring at me. I've been down here a hundred days and still, anytime I say anything but yes or no, they look at me like I'm a talking giraffe.
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Richard Kadrey |
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03b6024
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Hellions just aren't used to humans giving them back talk. That's okay. I can use that. Let them find me a little strange. A little inexplicable. Playing the Devil is easier if no one has any idea what you're going to do or say next.
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Richard Kadrey |
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0470ed1
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We have these meetings every couple of days. We're rebuilding Hell after it went up in flames like a flash-paper bikini when the original Lucifer, the real Lucifer, blew out of town after sticking me with the job. The trouble for the rest of the Council is that I don't know how fast I want Downtown back in working order.
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Richard Kadrey |
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4057e16
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I say, "This Nazi Disneyland stuff, it's too cheap and easy. It's like something the Kissi would dream up." That's hitting below the belt. Calling a Hellion a Kissi is like calling Chuck Norris Joseph Stalin. Buer looks like he wants to stuff the blueprints down my throat with a road flare. Obyzuth and Semyazah look at me like they caught me eating cookies before dinner. Marchosias raises her eyebrows, which is about an inch from her challe..
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Richard Kadrey |
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f5e97a7
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Seriously, I don't like people messing with old ladies. Mi madre had cancer and gave all her Social Security money to a faith healer." "What happened?" "He gave her a homeopathic cure and she felt better. Of course, the homeopathic cure was just sweet wine with ginger and some low-grade morphine. When she ran out of money, the cure stopped coming. She went back to the regular doctor, but by then the cancer was everywhere. Let me tell you, h..
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Richard Kadrey |
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f1c6066
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When we get there I say, "If anyone says you ran, point them out and I'll hit them." She grabs my arm. "I don't need you to fight my battles for me." "I'm not fighting for you. I just like punching people."
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Richard Kadrey |
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50fa642
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I look at her bandaged hands. "You all right?" "Just a couple of blisters. Some asshole convinced me to run through a furnace." "He sounds shady. As your lawyer, I advise you to avoid him in the future." "It's my fondest dream."
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Richard Kadrey |
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ee5cdec
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I pull the cork and pour a glass full. Give it a sniff. There it is. The heady bouquet of gasoline and hot pepper. I sip it and shudder a little. It burns just right going down.
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Richard Kadrey |
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fb0aed7
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The Magistrate has been watching this whole thing with the quiet amusement of Mike Brady watching his squabbling TV kids. Only this Mike's kids are killers and Dad's got a messiah complex.
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Richard Kadrey |
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3598f15
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One rule of thumb in fighting is that crazy can often overcome skill and numbers, because, while a trained fighter might actually enjoy going up against another trained fighter, no one really wants to wrestle with crazy. Crazy doesn't know when it's winning. And crazy doesn't know when to stop.
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Richard Kadrey |
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8de5b6e
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Merry-go-rounds are a shared lie of childhood. Cruelty masked as fun. Tedium cloaked as adventure. A great spinning vessel of torment getting the tykes ready for the damnation most of them will richly deserve, all because their minds were permanently twisted by this parade of pony horrors.
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merry-go-rounds
perdition-score
hell
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Richard Kadrey |
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e104504
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When you're drowning in Hell, even a cement life jacket can look good.
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Richard Kadrey |
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fbab6ca
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The Magistrate and Empress stand arm in arm like the monster-movie American Gothic.
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Richard Kadrey |
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16ab2ed
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We're in front of a run-down little motel, the kind you see along Route 66, but not the quaint kind you stay in. It's more like the ones where you check in for an hour and come out with crabs or what in gentler times they called a "social malady."
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Richard Kadrey |
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290bc32
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Her wild hair hangs down like dead weeds and she's wearing a dress that looks like she took it off a Disney princess, tossed it in a grain thresher, and got an ape to sew it back together.
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Richard Kadrey |
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7d2cac5
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Wherever we are, it isn't like the Tenebrae. No desert monotony. No spiked mountains. It's more like forest land after a nuke attack. Bare, mossy skeleton-like trees and tough tangles of gray and green weeds sprouting on low rolling hills. Pretty much everything but the weeds seems dead here.
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Richard Kadrey |
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a0c305b
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Soon I see that I was right. A bright pinprick of light flares in the distance. It's either Heaven or we're about to get hit by the 3:10 to Yuma.
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Richard Kadrey |
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e7d4ef0
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Look at my face. I didn't get these scars in pillow fights." That seems to convince her. Never doubt the power of ugly."
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Richard Kadrey |
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ffef14d
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It's a whole plot of flowers ranging from a few inches to a foot high. They have petals like roses, but in the center of each blossom is a bright white set of teeth. They snap and snarl at me when I get close enough to give them a once-over. The front teeth are sharp with big canine fangs at the edges. The big ones are like Rottweiler flowers, while the little ones bark and nip like Pomeranians with an attitude. There's a good six feet of t..
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Richard Kadrey |
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8b5505e
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I actually feel kind of bad for the little curs. It's not their fault they're a cannibal florist shop.
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Richard Kadrey |
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8703772
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I'd really like to keep it for a while and play with it, but there's a bunch of grumpy killers and angels and a soon-to-be-dead messiah waiting for me.
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Richard Kadrey |
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e9cff09
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An angel wouldn't know fun if it showed up in a blimp with dancing girls and a full bar.
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Richard Kadrey |
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03ef341
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The winners are the schemers and the ruthless who take what they want, not the suckers standing around hoping for an even break.
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Richard Kadrey |
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8ea0393
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We nod and grunt grudging affirmatives.
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Richard Kadrey |
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0d17a0e
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With a coterie of unpleasant residents doing mischief with travelers." "What's a coterie?" "A somewhat large group." "How large?" "Some say an army," said Ipos. "But a minor one." "Why didn't you say so? It sounds completely reasonable." "Good." "No, it doesn't. I was being sarcastic." Merihim frowned."
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Richard Kadrey |
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d51cfb4
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So now here I am, bouncing along in a truck with concrete shocks surrounded by a Hellion legion that smells like a fish-market Dumpster. I'm not usually the dragged-along-for-the-ride type. Usually, I'm the one doing the dragging, but I'm a little out of my depth here. Like Marianas Trench out of my depth. I fought in the arena long enough to know that sometimes the best strategy is to shut up, go along with the game, and make sure that som..
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Richard Kadrey |
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55a156a
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Start talking or we're going to see if you can dog-paddle through fire. I wonder if fried Hellion tastes like spicy or original recipe?
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Richard Kadrey |
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970cf79
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Geryon looks at me like I'm a moldy ham sandwich someone forgot in the back of the fridge at work.
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Richard Kadrey |