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| Link | Quote | Stars | Tags | Author |
| 5a77943 | if you think too hard about anything it's bound to take the fun out of it. | David Sedaris | ||
| a1c806e | I haven't got the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out. | David Sedaris | ||
| 5a74290 | For to witness majesty, to find yourself literally touched by it - isn't that what we've all been waiting for? | David Sedaris | ||
| c610bfb | There was my life before I told a strange woman in a negligee that I was a homosexual, and now there would be my life after, two chapters so dissimilar in style and content that they might have been written by different people. | David Sedaris | ||
| e120953 | I'm dating myself, but this was before Jesus Christ. We worshiped a God named Sashatiba, who had five eyes, including one on the Adam's apple. | religion | David Sedaris | |
| 6a79313 | Our neighbors would rise early and visit the malls, snatching up gift-wrapped Dustbusters and the pom-pommed socks used to protect the heads of golf clubs. Christmas would arrive and we, the people of this country, would gather around identical trees, voicing our pleasure with worn cliches. Turkeys would roast to a hard, shellacked finish. Hams would be crosshatched with x's and glazed with fruit -- and it was fine by me. Were I to receive .. | David Sedaris | ||
| 6042ac5 | Most of my ribbons were for good sportsmanship, a backhanded compliment if ever there was one. | David Sedaris | ||
| 4553d3a | The part of my plan that made old people uncomfortable, that exposed them for the bigots they were--and on a Sunday!--still appealed to me. | David Sedaris | ||
| 0e44ed6 | Love seemed all the sweeter when it was misunderstood, condemned by the outside world. | David Sedaris | ||
| fb4e4a2 | The people I hung out with in my early twenties were middle-class and, at least to our minds, artistic. We'd all turned our backs on privilege, but comfortably, the way you can when you still have access to it. No one wanted to call home asking for money, but we all knew that in a pinch our parents would come through for us. | David Sedaris | ||
| 2fcb611 | The thing about Hawaii, at least the part that is geared toward tourists, is that it's exactly what it promises to be. Step off the plane, and someone places a lei around your neck, as if it were something you had earned--an Olympic medal for sitting on your ass. Raise a hand above your shoulder and, no matter where you are, a drink will appear: something served in a hollowed-out pineapple, or perhaps in a coconut that's been sawed in half... | David Sedaris | ||
| 36c33d4 | Perhaps I've grown less likable over the years, or maybe I've just forgotten how to meet people. The initial introduction -- the shaking-hands part -- I can still manage. It's the follow-up that throws me. Who calls whom, and how often? What if you decide after the second or third meeting that you don't really like this person? Up to what point are you allowed to back out? I used to know these things, but now they're a mystery. | David Sedaris | ||
| 65b7257 | Gambling to me is what a telephone pole might be to a groundhog. He sees that it's there but doesn't for the life of him understand why. | David Sedaris | ||
| 551edd8 | While the builders worked on the cottage, Hugh lived in what used to be the stable but was later converted into a guesthouse, the kind you'd have if you wanted to either discourage guests or contain them in one spot while slowly depressing them to death. | David Sedaris | ||
| 554b775 | Poor, chubby Annette Kelper, who desperately tries to pretend that nobody notices the fact that she's balding on top of her head. That's right. Look closely -- balding just like a man. Perhaps Randy feels sorry for chrome-dome Annette. | David Sedaris | ||
| 16a8fab | Here I've given him a good eight inches and a shot at immortality and he'll turn on me the same way he did last year when I asked him to pose for a few nude sketches. Ingrate | David Sedaris | ||
| 66f5a3a | Well, think about it," he said. "Exposing yourself to a girl is one thing. Doing it to a boy, though--the guy would have to be perverted." | David Sedaris | ||
| fa76b82 | Isn't that sweet of my only son to travel all this way so he can whine about his pathetic little friend? Maybe if I weren't strapped to my deathbed I could muster up the strength to give a damn. | David Sedaris | ||
| f404436 | And it's bad enough to be caught in your underpants but even worse to be caught in your underpants scratching out a valium prescription on someone else's pad. | David Sedaris | ||
| 898c5b2 | Never again would I have so many friends, and such good ones, though I'm not exactly sure why. Perhaps I've grown less likable over the years, or maybe I've just forgotten how to meet people. The initial introduction -- the shaking-hands part -- I can still manage. It's the follow-up that throws me. Who calls whom, and how often? What if you decide after the second or third meeting that you don't really like this person? Up to what point ar.. | David Sedaris | ||
| 24b51c6 | Exceptions were made for Friday episodes of One Life to Live, and, occasionally, for Oprah, who was one of the few black people Helen had any regard for. Perhaps in the past she had been more open-minded, but getting mugged in the foyer of our building convinced her that they were all crooks and sex maniacs. "Even the light-skinned ones." | David Sedaris | ||
| 55378bb | The third guest, a poet, had recently published a memoir about her cancer and the many operations performed in an effort to reconstruct her jaw. | David Sedaris | ||
| 2e876c6 | This town is the Greek Baltimore. | David Sedaris | ||
| 7bb0733 | Every day we're told that we live in the greatest country on earth. And it's always stated as an undeniable fact: Leos are born between July 23 and August 22, fitted queen-size sheets measure sixty by eighty inches, and America is the greatest country on earth. Having grown up with this in our ears, it's startling to realize that other countries have nationalistic slogans of their own, none of which are "We're number two!" | David Sedaris | ||
| 58e0919 | It really is torture to sit around the house and write all day. I'm thinking it might motivate me to finish the book faster, the thought that after it's finished I can return to housecleaning. The | David Sedaris | ||
| 302c77a | It made no sense naturewise--owls and songbirds work different shifts, and even if they didn't they would still never be friends. | David Sedaris | ||
| ac3314e | Mijn vader houdt van jazz en heeft een uitgebreide verzameling platen en banden waarvan hij vroeger als hij uit zijn werk kwam kon genieten. Hij kon met een rothumeur binnenkomen, maar als hij Dexter Gordon had opgezet en zichzelf een wodkacocktail had ingeschonken, ebde zijn stress snel weg en werd alles 'te gek, jongen, gewoon te gek.' Op het moment dat de naald op de plaat neerdaalde, maakt hij zijn das los en werd hij iemand anders dan .. | jazz platen | David Sedaris | |
| a9776d3 | My sister has appendages connected to her ankles. They feature toes and arches, but I cannot call them feet. In color they resemble the leathery paws of great apes, but in texture they are closer to hooves. In order to maintain her balance, she'll periodically clear the bottoms of debris--a bottle cap, bits of broken glass, a chicken bone--but within moments she'll have stepped on something else and begun the process all over again. It's wh.. | David Sedaris | ||
| 4df09c5 | The thing about sports, at least for guys, is that nobody ever defines the rules, not even in gym class. Asking what a penalty means is like asking who Jesus was. It's one of those things you're just supposed to know, and if you don't, there's something seriously wrong with you. | David Sedaris | ||
| 7ea1fd2 | weeks passed, my suitcase grew more and more conventional. "I've got something for you," I'd say to a teenager. "It's nothing huge," | David Sedaris | ||
| 302396a | I can't be alone in this, can I? And, of course, you don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Therefore you keep the crocheted owl given to you by your second-youngest sister and accidentally on purpose drop the mug that reads "Owl Love You Always" and was sent by someone who clearly never knew you to begin with." | David Sedaris | ||
| 6071c8c | The child opened her beak even wider, and the stork let out a moan. "It really wouldn't hurt you to take an interest in others," she said. "I tell you I'm depressed, I tell you I feel cornered and lonely, and your response is 'Fine. Now feed me,' which is actually very insensitive of you. All mothers feel unconditional love for their children, but there's a timer on it, all right. It doesn't last forever, especially when you're selfish." Th.. | David Sedaris | ||
| d4df585 | I'm surrounded by people who have more money than they know what to do with, and none of them have earned it. | David Sedaris | ||
| 1856995 | We sweat for our pretensions. It | David Sedaris | ||
| 21277cf | There are only two places to get robbed: TV and the real world. On television you get your stuff back. In the real world, if you're lucky, the policeman who responds to your call will wonder what kind of computer it was. Don't let this get your hopes up. Chances are he's asking only because he has a software question. | David Sedaris | ||
| 282866c | The real life of the party is flattened beneath the bed, taping actual sex encounters, not sitting cross-legged on the floor with a guitar, embarrassing himself and others. | David Sedaris | ||
| f131d3d | He has a point there, that's harsh. Unfortunately, they never gave him a medal for it and as a result he brings it up time and time again. | David Sedaris | ||
| ee4b5d6 | What ultimately did me in was the self-adhesive condom. Putting it on was no problem, but its removal qualified as what, in certain cultures, is known as a bris. Wear it once, and you'll need a solid month to fully recover. It will likely be a month in which you'll weigh the relative freedom of peeing in your pants against the unsightly discomfort of a scab-covered penis, ultimately realizing that, in terms of a convenient accessory, | David Sedaris | ||
| c882737 | When it comes time to decide who gets the bottom bunk, I think anyone would agree that there's a lot to be said for doing things the hard way. | David Sedaris | ||
| f614f57 | The younger an ingredient, the more highly it was valued, thus the baby chicken, the baby spinach, the newborn asparagus, each pale stalk as slender as a fang. | David Sedaris | ||
| 122c8e4 | It was a father, one hand resting teapot-style on his hip, and the other - what would be the spout - formed into a fist. | David Sedaris | ||
| 7406a22 | She knew what my mother did not: either you want a clean floor or you want to use a mop, but you can't have both. | David Sedaris | ||
| ce4c37e | It's as though we had asked to have ice cubes in our wine, like, "Ick, who are you?" | David Sedaris | ||
| 5a71102 | The bow tie is like the pierced eyebrow of the Republican party. | David Sedaris |